How do you navigate the complex journey from honeymoon bliss to the daily grind of shared life in marriage? Today, we unpack the realities of merging two lives into one harmonious household, focusing on financial management, household responsibilities, and even the small yet significant details like where to store common items. Through our personal experiences, we shed light on the importance of compromise, understanding, and effective communication to prevent conflicts and foster a loving partnership.
We also tackle the early challenges of selfishness and unmet expectations in marriage, sharing candid reflections on moments of frustration—like the seemingly simple task of picking up groceries. Our stories illustrate how through prayer, maturity, and conscious effort, we transformed resentment into stronger bonds. We highlight the misconception that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, emphasizing that sometimes the balance shifts and how empathy and recognizing each other's love languages play a crucial role. Join us for a heartfelt discussion on teamwork, meaningful conversations, and the growth that comes from overcoming marital hurdles together.
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How do you navigate the complex journey from honeymoon bliss to the daily grind of shared life in marriage? Today, we unpack the realities of merging two lives into one harmonious household, focusing on financial management, household responsibilities, and even the small yet significant details like where to store common items. Through our personal experiences, we shed light on the importance of compromise, understanding, and effective communication to prevent conflicts and foster a loving partnership.
We also tackle the early challenges of selfishness and unmet expectations in marriage, sharing candid reflections on moments of frustration—like the seemingly simple task of picking up groceries. Our stories illustrate how through prayer, maturity, and conscious effort, we transformed resentment into stronger bonds. We highlight the misconception that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, emphasizing that sometimes the balance shifts and how empathy and recognizing each other's love languages play a crucial role. Join us for a heartfelt discussion on teamwork, meaningful conversations, and the growth that comes from overcoming marital hurdles together.
Follow Us on Social Media!
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doingitwiththedaniels/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61560523444982
Watch on YouTube: www.youtube.com/@DoingItWithTheDaniels
those differences in us becoming one and we could talk about different areas like money, how we manage money, how we spend money. You know we had to learn to work together, but with that, when you don't really come to that place of compromise, understanding, consideration, it gets bad.
Speaker 2:It does get bad.
Speaker 1:It can get ugly and it leads to a lot of fights.
Speaker 2:Especially when you enter in a marriage and you're thinking that it's going to be 50-50.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, the podcast where we help couples navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 2:And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 1:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing life with the Daniels. Hey, thanks for joining us for another episode of Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. Let's go. What's up, babe?
Speaker 2:What's up?
Speaker 1:You ready to get started?
Speaker 2:I'm ready.
Speaker 1:Come on, what are we talking about today?
Speaker 2:We are talking about the two becoming one today, two becoming one.
Speaker 1:The Bible talks about and the two shall become one flesh. When a man leaves his mother and father cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh, what do you think about becoming one?
Speaker 2:Sounds easy right.
Speaker 1:I guess I just know it wasn't easy for us.
Speaker 2:It wasn't easy for us, but did it right right.
Speaker 1:I know in our previous episode episodes we kind of talked about our dating journey leading up to getting married. Married and you know we kind of cut off at getting married, moving into our new home, right, and just really loving each other and everything was bliss. And I think that's what a lot of couples experience, like man, this is great, we're married, we're loving each other, we're having an amazing time. Until you get under the same roof together in a marriage covenant I'm not talking about what the old, the old folks you call shagging. They call it shagging you just living together.
Speaker 1:When you live together, you're not in a God ordained covenant. The devil's really not fighting you, right? You know dang covenant, the devil's really not fighting you, right? You don't say there's really no real warfare that comes against. You know ungodly relationship. But when you get into a godly covenant like marriage, remember marriage is god's idea, not the world's, not the devil's. It's god's idea and the enemy fights marriage with everything that is in him right, and so one of the first things he's going to come against is the two becoming one.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And that is the merging of your lives. So when we got married, we both had our own apartments. Yep, we left our apartments, we bought a home and we began to move in together, and the first coming together piece of that was like what are we going to bring together?
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Like we both bought our bedrooms because both of us had roommates yes, in our singleness. So we had bedroom sets. I think you had a living room set, but you actually I left it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I left everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you left everything except for your bedroom set, right, you even left dishes. Yeah, I'm like, wait a minute, I thought we was merging dishes and I had a few little dishes that I bought as a bachelor, which wasn't much, and he was like, don't worry about it, we'll get more stuff later, right? So we bought that. And here's the thing that wasn't a problem. No, because my dishes were the dishes. Yeah, there was nothing to talk about. It was no, whose dishes are better, whose? It didn't matter, because this is what we had. Uh, bedrooms, we had three bedroom home at that time. Yes, and that was space for all the bedrooms I mean beds to come in, because I had one bed, you had another bed. Somebody gave us a bed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for our son's room I forgot about that yeah, yeah, they gave us a bit, so hey that all came together, yeah, but when it came to doing life, that's where, that's where the fun begins, right, that's where the fun begin, because now you got to talk about uh, who's responsible for the cooking?
Speaker 2:yeah, who's responsible for the cleaning? Yeah who's responsible for the grocery shopping?
Speaker 1:yeah, who's gonna do the dishes?
Speaker 2:yeah, who's gonna drop the kids off at daycare? Yeah, who's gonna pick them up?
Speaker 1:who's gonna who, who has to uh, sacrifice and make sure the daycare gets paid?
Speaker 1:oh, that was a that's tough yeah, it was a challenge, uh, especially if you're not willing to compromise. You know, I remember for us, one thing we argued over this is this probably is a funny story for us where we had we grew up in different households and we did things in a different way, right, right, and so in my household, uh, we kept medicine like you know, tylenol, that kind of stuff that you may need, cough syrup. Yeah, we kept that stuff in the bathroom because in the bathroom is where we had, in my logic, this thing called out medicine cabinet, which I know they don't really make those in house anymore. So, in my mind, medicine cabinet, put the medicine in the medicine cabinet, which is what we did growing up.
Speaker 2:But in my household. It went in the kitchen and so, um, I think that funny story is when you were going to looking for the medicine or anything like that, it was in the kitchen and you was like why is this in the kitchen? It's supposed to go in the bathroom. And I'm like no, it's supposed to go in the kitchen. And we had to figure all that out.
Speaker 1:Well, well, what I did was is once I saw you put it all at that bottom shelf in the kitchen, I was like this don't belong in the kitchen. I took it all out and put it in the bathroom yeah right.
Speaker 1:And so when you saw I put in the bathroom, you took it out of the bathroom and put it back in the kitchen. And I took it out of the kitchen and was like this belongs in the bathroom, stop putting in the kitchen. Like no, this belongs in the bathroom, stop putting it in the kitchen. You're like no, this belongs in the kitchen. And we were going to argue over our logic. My logic was medicine cabinet, although we didn't have one. It goes in the bathroom.
Speaker 1:Your logic was it's medicine. What do you need when you take medicine?
Speaker 2:Water.
Speaker 1:Water, a spoon, whatever. Where's that stuff? In the kitchen. So if the medicine is in the kitchen, that's where you take it from, right? Right Makes sense, right, it makes sense. Both of our logics made sense, but we had to merge together and be like OK, what, what do we do? Right, what, what's best for us? I think I ended up compromising because you wouldn't yield and you was like we're going to keep it in the kitchen, right? And I think that's the important thing of the two becoming one there has to be that element of compromise Right.
Speaker 1:You cannot have a successful marriage if you go into it with a stubborn heart and a stubborn mind when it comes to what you think things should be. Yeah, because you have two different backgrounds.
Speaker 2:People don't grow up the same. Because I didn't grow up with it in it bathroom, I grew up with it in the kitchen, so that's just for me. That was it, yeah, and I probably would have been willing to compromise back then. You don't think so?
Speaker 1:well you weren't, because every time I moved you kept moving it back.
Speaker 2:I guess I would have needed a better understanding.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think. I think we both decided well, maybe it's not worth it, let's just right, that's so small and I think in marriage, like you, really discover that it's the small thing.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:That are most important. And if you don't deal with the small thing Right, those small things become bigger things, exactly.
Speaker 1:And it begins to create a divide in the marriage, right? So if you can't handle the small matters or the small differences that need compromise and understanding so you all can be together, right, it's going to create a divide. That's going to, that's going to continue to spread within that relationship and that's just medicine. But I mean even when it comes to things like putting gas in the car or oh, here's another one for us washing the car yeah like we got married in your mind you was gonna wash the cars and keep the cars clean.
Speaker 1:Right and in my mind I wasn't, I wasn't, no, I'm not, he was like I'm not washing no cars. I'm not going to be out in the sun every Friday evening and Saturday morning washing cars, because I know you wash your car every week.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was like no, that ain't going to be, and it didn't happen.
Speaker 2:I had to learn how to wash my own car.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is true.
Speaker 2:Because I feel like you know, you the man I grew up seeing my daddy wash cars and keeping the cars clean and all that, and so I felt like you were going to do that for me and it did happen like that.
Speaker 1:No, I was like. No, it's hot out here. You know like we can take it to the car wash we find somebody to wash it. But I don't want to be out here. You still didn't do that. You didn't find nobody. No, I think money was tight.
Speaker 2:Yeah, money was tight.
Speaker 1:So we just had to be like you know what, Let it be what it is. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, something simple as far as cooking. And if I was in the house cooking and you were on your way home and I would need something from the grocery store, yeah. And I would call and I would say, hey, can you stop by the grocery store and pick this up for me?
Speaker 1:Don't tell me. It makes me look so bad. Don't tell this one.
Speaker 2:What would you say? What did you say?
Speaker 1:I ain't stopping nowhere. I'm tired. I want to come straight home.
Speaker 2:And so what did I have to do?
Speaker 1:You had to pause your cooking, go to the store, get the ingredients that you did not have and then come back and finish cooking. But that's because in my mind I was like, didn't you know you was cooking before you came home, so shouldn't you have got all the stuff you need?
Speaker 2:but you didn't compromise in that area. I felt like if we're a team, we're together, we're working together. If I'm at home cooking and you're already out, I felt like you should be willing to be like oh yeah, I stopped. What do you need?
Speaker 1:that's true, and like now being more mature because we were young, we got yeah we were young, I understand. I mean, I already even realized that as a man and most men are this way, when we get married especially, you know, we're really selfish yeah men are selfish just by nature and we have to really work to overcome that selfishness. And it was really inconsiderate of me yeah so I'm glad I've grown beyond that now thank you, jesus.
Speaker 2:I was like yeah, why?
Speaker 1:didn't you get what you need to get before?
Speaker 2:uh-huh, because it had me thinking. I was like man, who is this man like? What is this like? I'm tired? I did too, and I had the, so I had to turn off the stuff. I had to grab them, get them, put them in the car, go to the store, get what I need, come back, put everything back on, start back cooking. And I was just trying to make sure that no resentment built up in me towards you because of that, because I'm like man. This is so small. Why can't he just go by the store and get what I need?
Speaker 1:I think that's good right there, because when you don't deal with those issues, it does create an inner resentment that you may not see at that moment, but it's going to manifest later, with a certain level of bitterness, anger, frustration.
Speaker 2:Because that stuff will play in your mind Like it's just going to the store and getting a can of green beans, like what's the big deal with that? You know what I'm saying? Because I've gotten off work and I went and picked the kids up and rushing home trying to get dinner started, because, you know, when you get off work 435, that time is rolling. So I think in my mind I was thinking, thinking let me go ahead and get this food started. So because kids got to do homework, you know. So I was thinking about all of that stuff.
Speaker 1:I think there are a lot of couples who deal with that in that becoming one yeah, a lot of resentment and bitterness was the seed of it was formed in their relationships and now, maybe months later, years later, they're struggling, yeah, in their marriage because of that. What would you say? How did you deal with it? How did you keep that from becoming something that the enemy could really destroy us with?
Speaker 2:So I just I didn't take it personal and I just prayed about it, even though it kind of like, you know, I was kind of taken back a little bit because you did that and I was just like, well, maybe this is just who he is and how he is, because, remember, we got married quick and so I was still learning you and I just kind of prayed about it. And you know I'm kind of the type of person where back then I just was like, okay, let me just do what I need to do, to get what I need to get done. So I just didn't hold it against you, um, but I recognized it and I recognized how the enemy was trying to play with my mind to remind me he could have winged out. You know those little, those thoughts.
Speaker 1:It's just going to the store and getting that he's already out, and so I just had to kill those thoughts yeah, I think that's good right there, because a lot of people don't really take their thoughts Right, they just let it play out. Because I'm angry, I'm frustrated, not knowing that you are actually meditating Right On something that's designed to destroy your relationship. Yeah, it's designed to destroy your marriage.
Speaker 2:Right, and so I just didn't meditate on that. I was just like let me just go and do what I need to do to get this done. Was it easy, because you make it sound so easy it wasn't easy Because I had thoughts, you know, like it's just going to the store, so small, you know what I'm saying, those thoughts. But I just try not to focus on that and just do what I needed to do. But no, it's not easy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that internal fight that comes with it, something that was like you grew up. You grew up seeing your dad, um wash your cars so that was your expectation. Well, same would be like. We're washing dishes. You know I don't like to wash dishes. I will wash them now yeah but I didn't like it. But um, I grew up not really seeing my father wash dishes in the house, so that was another thing that was it when we came together.
Speaker 1:yeah, oh, who's gonna wash dishes? Well, in my mind, you, you the woman. You don't wash dishes. Exactly, I grew up being they don't wash yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think that was another issue with us, because I would cook and then I would turn around and have to clean and there's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes it's just a little consideration to be like hey, don't worry about that, I'll take care of that, you go ahead and do whatever you need to do with the kids. And I never got that, so it's just like okay, hey, you see me over here, can you help me out a little bit?
Speaker 1:it was, it was. It was rough in the beginning yeah, I mean, that was two becoming one and really learning who we were. Uh and really accepting that I was selfish and inconsiderate yeah like I wouldn't consider myself to be that way, but when you get married, stuff about you that you don't think is there, yeah, starts to come out. Yeah, and I mean I was resistant to it because you would tell me about like I'm not that person yeah, I would try to tell you, but you know you was just like yeah, that ain't me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm like you, just mad, you just frustrated because I ain't doing what you want me to do. You trying to control uh me Uh-huh, that's exactly what you said, but it wasn't.
Speaker 2:I wasn't trying to control you. Now, I grew up with my grandmother, seeing my grandmother like really serve and wait on her husband, but she didn't work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so my granddaddy. Yeah, that's a big difference.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he worked and so I understood. You know what a role of a wife should be. But there comes a different time when you work. You I'm working, you're working, we got kids. You know I'm getting off work and doing all this and then you're getting off work. So sometimes you know the two should be helping each other.
Speaker 1:We got to work together, got to work together. It's like the bible. Sometimes we we don't consider, consider the Bible in our marriages, that the two have to become one or we're helpers one to another.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we think that's in Christendom as believers, but if we are two believers who are married, we're supposed to be helping each other, yeah, exactly. We're supposed to be that support If I'm going to help anybody.
Speaker 2:You should be helping me Right, exactly, and you helping me. Now. How long did it take you to get that?
Speaker 1:It took some growing. It took some growing.
Speaker 2:Glad you got it.
Speaker 1:But that was a part of the journey. Yeah, it was, it was part of the process and you know I hate it now looking back, because it was very inconsiderate.
Speaker 1:But very inconsiderate, but but I'm appreciative to it about it now because we're able to help others, yeah, who are having those same experiences, and I realized there was nothing wrong with me then. I just didn't have a certain understanding right, or even a recognition of some things that I needed to work on you. You, for the most part, was very giving, supportive, yeah, consider which I think most women are wired right because they're nurturers by nature. They want to nurture, they want to yeah they want to support they that's who.
Speaker 1:We are right. They want to carry whatever part of the load they can care to make sure everybody's doing well, and many times a wife and you can speak of this even more than I can. Wives don't always get that support and they find themselves depleted and burnt out, frustrated. Yeah, more often than everybody else a man he'll be walking around like everything great like and the wife is looking around like face long and she's mad like what's wrong with you?
Speaker 2:exactly and so and that's some of the things that, uh, for you, I was like you know I can maintain, but sometimes, you know, things get chaotic and I just need you to notice when it's chaotic, step in, help me get everything back together and let me go back to maintaining. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. You know how laundry, you know how sometimes laundry can get backed up, and so when it's backed up, it's just like, ok, let me get all this stuff done. But OK, now I need you to kind of come, come alongside of me, help let's get everything back together, and then I'm good and I can kind of maintain and get things back, because you got life, you're traveling, you're doing things you got ministry.
Speaker 2:You just get busy, yeah, and so sometimes the house can get chaotic the kitchen, the dishes like all of that stuff and I just, I just wanted you to kind of just notice on your own and say all right, babe, I got you, let's get this together.
Speaker 1:I'm glad you said that. I'm glad you said that you wanted me to notice on my own uh-huh and that didn't happen nope, it didn't happen. But here's the other thing. We can talk about communication later. When it didn't happen, you didn't say hey, will you help me? It came out in an attitude.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it did, it did.
Speaker 1:It came out in kind of you never helped me around here. Well, you didn't say that until you got frustrated and mad, but before that it was like the silent treatment Shut down. I'm like what's wrong?
Speaker 2:the silent treatment shut down. I'm like what's wrong? Nothing, because I wanted you to notice, I wanted you to see, and it's just like you going around, like everything. Great, I'm doing good. And I'm sitting around here looking at this house and like what, come on we need some help. We, I need some help yeah and then you know later on. I guess when finances got better, you was like I can hire somebody.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I'm like no, that's not going to fix it.
Speaker 1:But but with with us thinking about this, as we kind of wrap this up, those differences in us becoming one, and we could talk about different areas, like money, how we manage money, how we spend money. So that blew some money, but you know, we had to learn yes to work together, um, but with that, when you don't really come to that place of compromise, understanding, consideration, it gets, it gets bad it does get bad it can get ugly and it leads to a lot of fights especially when you enter in a marriage and you thinking, you're thinking that it's going to be 50 50.
Speaker 2:It's not going to be 50 50 all the time. Sometimes it's going to be 19 really 50 yeah, it's not. It's not 50, 50, it's going to be 80, 20 yeah and so what do you do? I think a lot of people get into marriage thinking that it's going to be that and it's not yeah, you know, it's 80, 20, it's 90, 10, sometimes 100 zero.
Speaker 1:yeah, it is all depends on the situation and that was what we were 100, zero. No, no, it wasn't that bad.
Speaker 2:No, I wasn't that bad.
Speaker 1:But you know, people do enter in marriage thinking that you know everything's going to be shared and it's not like that, yeah, and I think those differences, like we talked about, creates those fights, so disagreements, those arguments which, if, if it goes on, it leads to a separation and spills over into your communication exactly it spills over into intimacy.
Speaker 1:Yes, and you know a lot of men like you know men, just hey, let's do it. And she's not just willing and open. Sometimes it's not that she doesn't want to or she doesn't desire you, sometimes it's she don't feel loved by you, right like if we talk about love languages, I realized your love language, one of your primary love languages, was acts of service right, exactly that's it and when I figured that out I was like oh so if I wash dishes can't turn you on praise.
Speaker 1:Okay, put some dishes in the sink. Where's the?
Speaker 2:vacuum.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something simple, right, something simple you discover that, but if you don't, it just creates more tension, because until I got that it was right. What's wrong?
Speaker 2:what's wrong with you? You don't desire me, you don't want me. Yeah, what's wrong?
Speaker 1:and that wasn't the case right, but you didn't feel consider you right, the love you didn't feel help exactly in the relationship, which created other challenges that we had to navigate through, but it led to a lot of disagreements, uh, arguments and fighting and my usual term fighting I don't mean physically fighting.
Speaker 1:Right, you probably wanted to physically fight me a couple times but, but just those indifferences that led to certain blow-ups yeah along the way, kind of like you said uh, you don't ever help me, but that didn't just happen it kind of led to that over the course of time. Yeah, and I think we need to talk about that more and help some people yeah, but that as well.
Speaker 2:That'll be good, but that two becoming one is a big deal. It's a big deal, it's a really big deal.
Speaker 1:It's tough I think that love, that consideration, that compromise, that understanding, if people would put those things in a place, if they would be more empathetic towards one another, I think that would truly help couples really navigate the two becoming one right and really learn to, like we said. We said understanding, but really learn. The Bible says all you're getting, get understanding. Sometimes, when you have those indifferences, you need to sit down yeah, and and just talk.
Speaker 1:Put your biases aside. Put what you want aside. People are talking, but they're not putting what they want aside. Put what you want aside. Have a conversation with understanding and empathy.
Speaker 2:I think it goes along, exactly because I think I was coming to you talking, but your understanding, wasn't it?
Speaker 1:No, I lack empathy and considerate because my mind was made up yeah, your mind was like I'm not the problem, you the problem but when we changed it yeah, we changed it, you changed it
Speaker 1:yeah, it did get better hey, listen, hopefully this discussion has helped you all. Um, seeing our two becoming one is really a big thing and I'm glad we were able to navigate and god has helped us and hopefully you'll be able to get a head started navigated a whole lot better and a whole lot faster than we did. All right, so thank y'all for joining us for another episode of doing it with the Daniels. We'll see you at the next one. Take care, hey. Thank you for joining us for doing it with the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast. Absolutely, we'll see you next time.