Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Just Get Over It!
Could the secret to a thriving marriage be forgiving "seven times seventy"? Imagine the freedom of releasing resentment and nurturing a relationship where daily forgiveness is the norm. In our latest episode, we invite you into our personal journey as we navigate the complexities of marital forgiveness. We share how embracing this biblical principle has transformed our lives, allowing us to let go of unmet expectations and cultivate a healthier partnership. Through humorous and heartfelt anecdotes, like the chaos of managing household duties when hosting guests, we explore how resentment can fester if not met with forgiveness.
Communication is the lifeblood of any marriage, but it's easier said than done. The episode unravels the art of empathetic dialogue over winning battles, shedding light on modern marital roles in dual-income households. We share our stories of transformation from a desire to be right to striving for understanding and compromise. Open communication and cooperation are vital in redefining roles to match contemporary lifestyles. We close with actionable insights and heartfelt takeaways, urging listeners to apply these lessons for transformative results. Stay connected with us for more wisdom to enrich your marriage and life.
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I think about when the disciples asked Jesus well, how often should we forgive? And he told them seven times, 70, right, I think the point he was making there is. I don't expect you to keep count Exactly. Let it go Like don't hold on to things that are done to you. Give forgiveness freely. If forgiveness was money, he would want us to splurge.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 2:And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 1:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of Doing it With the Daniels. Hey, welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry, and we're so glad to have you join us today. What's up?
Speaker 2:babe, what's going on? Excellent, how are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good today. How about you?
Speaker 1:Good. I'm feeling great today. I was excited about the opportunity to share with those watching and viewing our podcast. I think it's going to be a good one today. It's going to help some couples, help people in general. You know, I know we talk about couple stuff, but there's a lot of stuff I think is really helpful in general that people can take from our podcast.
Speaker 2:Yes, in their everyday lives. Whether you're married, single with kids, family, it's something for everybody.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I know we focus a lot on marriage but, like you said, it's something for everyone yes uh, they can benefit even our, our adult son yeah who has listened. He. You know it was really insightful for him and he said there were some things he enjoyed listening to our youngest son.
Speaker 2:He's not gonna listen at all he doesn't care, right, he know what's going on, but he just don't care, but that's all right.
Speaker 1:But hey, what we're talking about today, today we're going to tackle forgiveness oh, that's a good one. It's a really good one, it's a big one.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of people struggle with forgiveness, whether you're married, single, just having relationships, you know it's. It's something that everybody has to deal with absolutely that's 100.
Speaker 1:I can remember I don't know when we made the decision in our marriage, um, I don't remember us getting that in counseling Not that we didn't, I just can't remember our counseling process, um, and and when we kind of decided in our marriage that every day would be a day of forgiveness for us.
Speaker 2:Well, I remember somebody told us that forgive every day okay and I didn't understand that.
Speaker 2:You know, just being married early on, um the beginning stages of my marriage, I'm like okay, what do you mean forgive every day? And so I remember that, when they told us that, I just kind of held that in my mind like okay, all right, not knowing that I would really have to forgive every day yeah, I mean, when you hear that young in your marriage and things are going pretty good, or even if you're going through some type of counseling, you just don't.
Speaker 1:You don't think about the need to forgive your spouse. Every day you'd be like I love them, why would I need to forgive them? What? What are they gonna do that's gonna gonna cause me to forgive them?
Speaker 2:every day. You know, that was the thing I was like man, we're gonna have something every day and it could be little things.
Speaker 1:You know, things happen so but when you live with somebody every day things can happen every day and you have to be prepared to forgive every day. Yes, so yeah. So I mean, how have you used that in your like, in this marriage, in this relationship?
Speaker 2:Well, I don't know if I used it right in the beginning, I could think of an incident where, when we first started, when we first started having guests over and they would spend like the weekend or whatever. And you know, we had kids, we had family, we're going to work, we're doing stuff. The boys have, you know, extracurricular activities. We're heavily involved in church, so we're always to work, we're doing stuff. The boys have, you know, it's critical activities. We're heavily involved in church, so we're always busy, always going. And so I used to ask you to help with the, with the house where we had people coming over, because you know how sometimes you just straighten and sometimes you clean yeah and you know, when you got somebody coming over, you got a deep clean, like you want clean baseboards.
Speaker 2:You're just doing everything, like the whole nine, and so you be like you ain't gotta do all this this, you're just doing too much, and you would do a little something and then you would go go in there and go to sleep and I was like he is leaving me to do all this by myself and so.
Speaker 2:I used to get so upset and it would turn into and I don't think I knew that I needed to forgive you for that then, but it would turn into resentment yeah, well, I guess the um it started with unforgiveness.
Speaker 1:It started with why is he doing this? And I guess not letting that go, because if we talk about the nature of forgiveness, the nature of forgiveness is about letting go, and so you didn't let it go, you just kind of we moved on, but you, you held on to it.
Speaker 2:I don't think I acted out towards you or anything, maybe initially initially a little bit um, but I just I can't, I don't know. I guess I felt like I was letting it go, but every time it would happen again I would be like, okay, here we go again. He's doing it again. And so I was just, I would feel some kind of way and each incident to a list exactly and.
Speaker 2:I was like okay, so this is what I got to look forward to every time we got somebody coming over. This is what I have. I have to do all of this, yeah, and so I felt alone in that.
Speaker 1:I got you, I got you, and so with that you're saying there was unforgiveness you were getting ready to add to that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, then it led to resentment, and so that's pushing me further away from you, right, yeah?
Speaker 1:So you felt more. You felt more of the resentment than really the focus on the unforgiveness. Okay, yeah. And maybe and the reason I'm saying that sometimes I think people don't necessarily call it unforgiveness, but they do acknowledge the resentment.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:They're resentful, but they don't realize that resentment is rooted in unforgiveness.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what else came out of that?
Speaker 2:Oh, it keeps going on and on. So it's unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness.
Speaker 1:So you were bitter towards me.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. Oh wait, ooh, yeah, then anger.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, then anger, okay, yeah, I mean it's. Yeah, it was bad yeah and but, but you weren't saying anything about it I mean initially when I asked you know when I would try to talk to you about it. I think it's all about how you say and talk what you say and how you approach things, and I think I wasn't approaching it in the best way but even if we didn't handle it through communication initially, are you saying that you went on, still holding on to it?
Speaker 1:but we still function as a couple, as in our marriage, and that's that's the point I'm bringing out. You can be married, moving on on smiling, going to church, doing family stuff, taking care of business of your household, and still unforgiveness be there and it not get resolved.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that bitterness, that resentment is all at work and it's affecting the relationship, although it doesn't look like it's a big issue on the surface.
Speaker 2:What?
Speaker 1:does the Bible say it's the little on the surface, it's the little foxes, it's those little undealt with, unacknowledged things that we avoid, that erode the foundation of healthy relationships, healthy marriages. Yeah, so. So when did so? You listed unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, anger. When did you get to frustration? When did you get to deliverance? So you listed unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, anger. When did you get to frustration?
Speaker 2:When did you get to deliverance? Well, I had to like take a self-evaluation of me, okay, because I like for my house to look a certain kind of way, and so when I got home, it's like we got kids right, so it's not going to look perfect.
Speaker 1:We had two young kids at that time.
Speaker 2:Two boys at that time, and so in my mind I'm like okay if somebody wants to stop by or you know, whatever, if somebody's coming, the house needs to be, and it wasn't like nasty or anything like that.
Speaker 2:But you know, you just got stuff it looked lived in yeah but in my mind I'm like it's supposed to be spotless all time, and so when I would come home you know when I'll come home from work or anything like that I'd be like what y'all doing cleaning up. And it just got to a place when I was like, okay, I need to chill out. I need to really chill out, I need to get over myself and then, as you get into the word of God and find out what the word is saying, then that helped me too, because I didn't want to be a nagging wife. I didn't want to be a complaining wife. I didn't want you to feel like it was better to be on the rooftop or some men don't come home. They always finding somewhere to go. They out hanging out at the bar, they at their friend's house watching the game. They're just doing everything that they can to not come home, because what? The wife is always nagging about something?
Speaker 1:they don't want to hear that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, men don't want to hear that and so I had to, like, really look at me and find out, okay, why this is just small. It's small, just minute, and it's not a big deal.
Speaker 1:And so once I learned to calm down and then let God help me through his word, I think that was the biggest thing yeah, yeah, I think that's huge, just looking, listening to you and then some of the other couples that were able to offer guidance and advice to, I think, about a woman I spoke to who went through a divorce and after that divorce, years after just, I had the opportunity to ask her, you know, what led to the to the divorce seemed like it was a good marriage, good relationship, what made you because I think the woman, if I remember correctly initiated the divorce. What led you to that, you know, was my question and she said something. She said I never really forgave him for things that happened early in the marriage.
Speaker 1:So they were married for over 10 years I don't know exactly, maybe close to 20 years, but things happened early in the marriage that she said she she moved on but never really got over and really forgave him for, and I guess she hit a place in her life where she said I don't want to be here anymore because you've held on to that.
Speaker 1:I think that progress you mentioned unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, anger had all built up and it hit a place of. And then so you got to imagine you have your normal disagreements that have happened over those years and it's finally one day, because all that stuff is there building up, you hit a place where you're like I don't want to do this anymore, not realizing that those things have been eroding the marriage all those years, all those previous years, before she ever filed for divorce. And I think this is why it's so important that people pay attention to the little foxes, these little things that you think, oh, I can just get over. Because that's what we oftentimes say, that's what we tell people just get over it. Yeah, and that's what we tend to think, and we put people in that category when they have trauma in their life and they want to talk about it.
Speaker 1:We say, oh, you should just just get over it. But the reality is that getting over it, or really our term of getting over it, really means just move on yeah and that's, that's not getting over, that's not really letting it go, that's not forgiveness, yeah, that's not really being free, freeing yourself and freeing the other person from what you think they deserve.
Speaker 2:And I yeah, and I didn't want to grow up. I didn't want my kids to grow up always hearing their mom hollering and nagging about clean up your room, clean this up, you know. And I just didn't want that. And I think a lot of men they don't like for women to yell because their mother yelled at them and so I didn't want, I didn't want all that. So I was like I gotta really look at me hey, it's an adjustment it is.
Speaker 1:It's an adjustment but we we have.
Speaker 1:We have some steps that we can look at and we can try to give to to those listening and try to help them, those who are trying to navigate through forgiveness, because forgiveness is not easy no it's not easy, but it can be done and it's a choice, and what I often tell people is just in general, whether it's a choice, and what I often tell people is just in general, whether it's relationships or other, or if it's not a marital relationship, forgiveness is. It is a choice. You have a choice whether or not you forgive, but as believers, we have to remove the choice and understand that we've been commanded by our Lord and Savior, jesus Christ, to forgive. And it's not just forgiving people on the outside. It's forgiving your spouse.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, it starts at home.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah you got charity begins at home. In other words, you're gonna love people. Love right at home, yeah, and that love should involve forgiveness exactly I like that that's good yeah, so what? What is when? When people are dealing with their spouses, what? What's the first thing they should really tackle or look at when it comes to forgiveness?
Speaker 2:I think the first thing you should acknowledge the hurt. That's what I feel like at first you need. So I had to acknowledge that, that I was hurt.
Speaker 2:You know, I felt like he don't care nothing about me, you know what I gotta do, and all of this. So, um, I had to acknowledge that and I had to come to you, and I was. I had to be able to talk to you about what I was feeling, why I was feeling the way I was feeling, and and tried to just get it out instead of holding it in yeah, and I think on the flip side of that, I had to respect how you felt and not judge how you felt based on how I felt just to keep those lines of communication open.
Speaker 1:Right, because I think you felt, and not judge how you felt based on how I felt just to keep those lines of communication open. Right Because initially I was like man God, this is nothing, let that go. But but I had to kind of come out of that and listen to you empathetically because otherwise it just it. It minimizes your feelings and devalues them, which creates further damage to the relationship like when you would be like this, our house, just look, lived in.
Speaker 2:I'm like, but that's not the point. I'll, you know, had my way of the way I wanted it done and it's like you wouldn't move into you weren't doing what I wanted you to do so I was like lord, what am I gonna do? But I just did it myself, did it myself, did it and was resenting you all while I'm cleaning and doing whatever I was doing. But I just realized it's so small.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know, just through our process I'm better now.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I see the value of helping you, of being that support, and that's a part of the two becoming one and we had to. I had to grow to that and I had to grow to respect your view on it, because, although I may not have your view on the extent to which you want to do it, I had to respect that. This is my wife, this is her home and there's a certain level of representation she wants to have within her home.
Speaker 1:And I need to be supportive of that, even if I don I don't agree fully, like I think the home should be clean, yeah, but man, we ain't gotta bleach everything down, and I mean you know, it's like you said deep cleaning. But hey, it's all good. But you know, we we grew to that yeah so I understand now and I value you enough to respect how you feel yeah and to be a part of that to support that.
Speaker 2:It's gotten a whole lot better yes I think, so what else?
Speaker 1:what's the next thing that that we need to give them?
Speaker 2:number two is own your part. I think that's really good, so I had to look and own my, my part, and you had to look and own my part. And you had to look and own your part. But do you understand what your part was?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do now I didn't. At that time I mean I feel like at that time that's something you own. But I see now where my part is, because here's the thing is in forgiveness. It's hard to feel, I mean it's easy to feel like that's the other person's problem. But when you're in a marriage, if your spouse has an issue and you're involved with that, it's your issue as well.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:It's just like with infidelity couples that we have helped through infidelity. The partner who committed the infidelity obviously feels like yes.
Speaker 2:I'm guilty.
Speaker 1:I'm wrong, I deserve whatever. And then the other partner is often like yeah, you, you did everything and I'm the victim in this, and we have to sit down and talk to them and tell them. As we begin to unpack this, you may find that you're not as big of a victim as you think you are.
Speaker 1:It takes two it takes two and you played a part in it, but you just don't see it right, yeah so I think, with that, with what you said, with this, this part two of owning your part, um, I think in any type of conflict resolution it requires both parties to see themselves in the problem where they contributed to the problem, not saying you may not contribute a major portion, but you played a role yeah in that, yeah, and even if you didn't play a role in in the infraction, you play a role in the solution and you have to see your place in that.
Speaker 1:one of the things when I was uh, as we started to help more couples who had dealt with infidelity and uh, uh and I began to study and do some research on it, one of the things that I found was the the the partner who feels like they are the victim, the partner who did not commit the infidelity uh often bears the responsibility of the relationship healing and the other partner being able to move forward, healing and the other partner being able to move forward. So your role is ensuring them we can go forward, because until you decide that you're willing to go forward, they can't move forward from this yeah so if the relationship stalls or fails, that's your part yeah that's your role and I'm not.
Speaker 1:You know, we believe scripturally that if it for the case of infidelity, um, if two individuals decide to part, they can yeah on biblical grounds. However, I think what has to be considered even before we get to I got biblical right to leave you. Before you get to that, I think you have to explore forgiveness, yes, and reconciliation first.
Speaker 2:First, and that's what we always push right, and because a lot of people.
Speaker 1:They cheated. I'm leaving. You have a right to leave if that's your choice, but before you run out, because this is not just a divorce. This is a breaking of covenant, this is a separating of lives, this is all of that. Children involved and we won't get into how all that plays, and I think we should do a whole other podcast dealing with divorce. Yeah, but before you do that, you may find it easier. You may find it easier. Mm-hmm To face forgiveness than it is to face divorce.
Speaker 2:Usually couples that and I don't know why we're talking about this, but usually couples that go through that their bond is stronger and they're closer. And I'm not saying it's a good thing because they have to work and they have to fight to get to that place right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But usually they come out like on the other side and it's really good.
Speaker 1:A lot of times, times. You know what I, what I've seen. They have to pull the mask off, like you really got to go ahead and get naked with each other yeah be honest, be open and really deal with what needs to be dealt with yeah, that's good, yeah, and I think that's what makes that bond strong, so we on number three number three number three is seek understanding, not victory oh, that's good did you seek understanding with me?
Speaker 1:not early on. I wanted victory. I wanted to. I wanted to be right. I wanted to be right. I wanted you to see things my way. I want you to get on board with me and just say you right and go along with it, uh. But the reality is that that that I wasn't right, yeah, and I had to acknowledge that I wasn't right. I felt I felt I'm entitled to an opinion yeah but in a marriage, my opinion can't override your feelings right and what you need for me as a husband, and that's what I had to mature to yeah
Speaker 2:yeah it took some time, but we got there absolutely hey.
Speaker 1:So so what do you think? Where were you with that?
Speaker 2:with seeking understanding. Yeah, I don't think I was seeking for no understanding and I was like this just makes sense.
Speaker 2:You know, this is what we need to do, um, but um, I think for me, I just realized that it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't that big of a deal and um, and so now I enjoy doing whatever I need to do around the house and try not to nag as much. Um, just kind of say, hey, we need to do xyz. Or if I'm running out and we got people coming, can you and I just try to list out, well, well, I didn't get a chance to do this, can you take this and do this and do this, and you know, for me while I'm gone, or something like that.
Speaker 1:I think we both had to learn to listen to one another empathetically. That constantly comes up Listen empathetically, hear one another and make the necessary compromises, which is a big part of working together. I had to give on how I felt, you had to give on how you felt, and we found a middle ground, and that middle ground was the house does not have to be spotless, but it does need to be clean beyond what I may think it needs to be. So we met in the middle and it worked.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I think you kind of scarred from your childhood, though no, I wouldn't really scar from childhood, I wouldn't really scar, I think I just kept forming this opinion, then you know so a lot of us men have this view of.
Speaker 2:That's your job.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's just. You think that's the wife responsibility. She gonna cook, she gonna clean. So it's like I'll help, but I ain't helping too much.
Speaker 2:we need to do a podcast on rose or something, because I think a lot of people struggle with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely. I don't think they really consider Rose before they get married.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly.
Speaker 1:I'm the husband, you the wife.
Speaker 2:Let's get married and it's usually what we see growing up as children is what we feel like. This is what my life is going to be like. I didn't see my mom for me, and mom was the one who cooked clean, took care of the house, washed clothes and all that stuff, and they probably didn't have to do much until they got old enough to do things on their own. And so when they get a wife, and then the wife saying you know, you need to help me, or you didn't, you ain't doing this, or I need you to keep this clean, and so they like what is this?
Speaker 1:yeah, I've been at work all day making money. What you talking about.
Speaker 2:My place should be on the table yeah, the house should be clean when I get there what you mean.
Speaker 1:You want me to do it.
Speaker 2:And what you got?
Speaker 1:some uh, some people say these modernized women modern, these modern day women don't want the man to cook and clean. What's wrong with you, some?
Speaker 2:men enjoy cooking I.
Speaker 1:I think those are traditional roles from a time past and if it works for couples today, great. If it does not work where we have two parent households I mean two working parents that may not work together. Yeah, you got to work together to make it work. I mean, and now, because of the economy you got, you definitely got two pairs working to provide, just to keep up work. I mean, and now, because of the economy, you got, you definitely got two pairs working to provide, just to keep up pace with what's going on?
Speaker 2:yeah, because you know back. You know my grandparents are old, like 90s and 80s, so they grew up different. My granddad went out and he worked, but my grandma pretty much cooked, took care of the house and made his food and, like he don't know how to go in the kitchen, do nothing.
Speaker 1:She's a real woman. Is that what it is? Is?
Speaker 2:that what it is she's a real wife don't do that. You're gonna make a lot of these women mad, uh, but that's like you said. That's what happened back then and that's what was going on back then, and sometimes I feel like you grow up seeing that and so now trying to figure out, okay, what's my role, what's his role, what's my responsibility, what's his responsibility, and it's kind of all getting kind of, you know, misconstrued and yeah people got their own views and then we get together kind of clash and that's what we tell couples define your own roles.
Speaker 1:Do what works for you too, there's no biblical role, ideally, where it says this person has to do this, this person has to do that in the modern age, and so you, that those couples, have to come together on what works for them and do that exactly. Come on, let's keep going. What's?
Speaker 2:all right, so number four was extend grace extend grace.
Speaker 1:Come on, I love that. More grace more grace, more grace. Buy me a t-shirt I think that's absolutely what has to happen. Extend grace to your partner because, um, I mean you got to consider yourself not. This goes straight biblical you know, if bible says if you don't forgive your brother and your sister, yeah, your heavenly father will not forgive you then, beyond that, you got to consider what god has forgiven you from yeah and I'm not trying to be preaching here, but these principles of biblical forgiveness and what the bible teaches us, as believers extend beyond just being a good christian yeah it's a part of being a good husband and a good wife.
Speaker 1:You got to remember the same grace you want gift to your spouse.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:So if your spouse is doing something that you want, you don't want to forgive them for. You want to have bitterness and resentment. Consider yourself what would you want?
Speaker 2:Exactly Right.
Speaker 1:How would you want them to respond to you? I want forgiveness from you for whatever I do, I want grace for my humanity right. So if, if that's what I want from you, I should extend that same thing to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah and that's as believers going outside, of just husband and wives. But in your everyday life you know you just you need to forgive and have grace for people, because usually you want that grace for yourself, yeah, but you don't want to freely give it to others, yeah.
Speaker 1:I think about when the disciples asked Jesus well, how often should we forgive? And he? He told them seven times, 70.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So what's that? Four hundred and ninety times? Four hundred and ninety times you should forgive Right Now. I think the point he was making there is I don't expect you to keep count exactly. Let it go like don't hold on to things that are done, you be. Give forgiveness freely. If forgiveness was money, he would want us to splurge that's good he wanted to just give it. So when you think about your spouse, forgiveness is something you should have stored up reserves ready to give freely, even if you don't get an apology.
Speaker 1:Yes, even if you don't get an apology, because forgiveness isn't based on receiving an apology. Exactly.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you'll never hear. You know I'm sorry or anything, and you just got to be able to forgive a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:So get scratched, that list, that mental list ask god to erase it. Yes, erase it from your heart.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let your spouse go for whatever they did, even if you don't feel like they learned their lesson that's what it's about people want to people, want to make sure they feel it, want to make sure you learn, and then sometimes people want to just hurt you because they they're hurting and so I want you to feel what I felt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so and they may not feel anything because they added maybe you need just get over it. But this is what these steps are about, because you don't just get over. It's about acknowledging, walk. Acknowledging it, walking through it and dealing with it in a healthy way. So, as your marriage goes forward, the one who's holding the offense doesn't always want you to feel what they feel and the other one doesn't look at the person offended saying why don't you just get over it? But they work together to move forward. You be healed from the offense and I can learn to respect how you feel and learn not to offend you in that area.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because just getting over and moving on or just hey.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry what are you?
Speaker 1:sorry, we had that conversation. What are you sorry?
Speaker 2:for what are you sorry for? I think that's good, because how are you gonna know what not to do again if I don't talk? If we don't talk and get it out and I tell you you hurt me, or when you did or you said xyz, I mean you gotta have conversation because most men do that.
Speaker 1:They see their wives have an attitude, they're in a mood or whatever, and they just come in look, whatever I did, I'm. I'm sorry, I would just you'd be like you don't even know what you did you need to be able to tell them what they did. I do that now because you used to do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, whatever, I'm sorry like no, we need to talk.
Speaker 1:I need to tell you this is what you said.
Speaker 2:This is what you did hurt my feelings so and so I'm better at that I.
Speaker 1:I think I come to you a lot more you do, and I appreciate it, because otherwise I just got to see you feeling how you feel and I just pop in with I don't know what I did, but I apologize, and you what you're apologizing for if I don't know what I did, but I apologize. What you apologizing for if you don't know what you did, well, whatever it is. Well, you going to tell me Nah, you should know. Well, I don't know. So I'm sorry, but it works better when you tell me we talk through it in a healthy way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we grow from it. So I don't repeat that same thing, exactly from it. So I don't repeat that same thing, exactly. All right, come on what's the next one?
Speaker 2:that's good, okay. Number five commit to ongoing communication. I think that's a good one yeah you gotta be have. You gotta have open communication, you gotta be able to talk through um difficult conversations and um and be able to get each other's feedback on why you feel the way you feel, and sometimes you know it's just different views. On why I see something this way. You see something you know Totally different, like I don't think that's a big deal, you know, and so Just talking through that, I think it helps.
Speaker 1:I agree Number one conflict resolution is not a one time thing. No, and in order to have that communication cannot be a one time thing or communication around conflict resolution can be a one time thing, you have to commit to being to ongoing communication, saying every time something happens, we're going to talk and we're going to work through it and we're going to see this as an opportunity to get better in this area of our relationship not where I've seen a lot of people go.
Speaker 1:They see it as an opportunity to shut down yeah where, okay, we've talked about this before, you just don't get it, and so they stop talking, because we've been there where it's like just just move on just don't say anything, yeah, or you're not gonna change, no way.
Speaker 1:So why I keep saying that it's because you don't know if you'll ever change, but you just keep saying it and you don't just say it to change them, right you just say it, tell them how you feel how long did it take me to change in some aspects of our marriage long time some stuff ain't even changed, some stuff still the same.
Speaker 2:I'm saying the same thing. I just learned not to harp on certain things. It's just not even worth it. You know, the things that you know in my younger years that I was like kind of talking about, I ain't talking about that, no more. That's child, that's old.
Speaker 1:We had to grow, but we grew through our communication. Yeah, we kept the lines of communication open. Nobody went. We kept the lines of communication open. Nobody went into shutdown mode. I mean, if we did, it was short, yeah, and we came back together because we don't even like the feeling of not communicating. You know, everybody said we attach it at the hill, so you know we're always together. So for us to always be together, we have to have open, honest, healthy communication, because being close, like we are, yeah, creates problems.
Speaker 1:We, we, we offend each other but we work through it, yeah and and because we're able to talk, and I think that improvement over the years has made it a lot better, a lot easier.
Speaker 2:We get over stuff quicker, we deal with stuff faster, we don't avoid it, we talk about it, yeah, and we don't sweat the small stuff, you know, and I think we had to learn that in the in the beginning, where the enemy would try to, you know, creep in certain places, certain areas, and we just had to really realize that stuff and get better with communication, talking, just all of that yeah and so that has been a real, real game changer for us. 100 growth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well what?
Speaker 2:what do you think today? I think I think we did.
Speaker 1:I think today was good. You think today, I think we did, I think today was good. You like today? Yeah, I think it's really good.
Speaker 2:I think we got two podcasts out of today. We got some more topics. Yeah, we got some more topics.
Speaker 1:But it was really good and I hope those listening really heard our heart on what we're trying to tell them. No-transcript. Ask him to help you to have open, honest conversations with your spouse and to move forward with your partner and don't don't be tired to what, what, what happened it happened, you have to accept that it happened, acknowledge it.
Speaker 1:both parties work on moving forward and not repeating those same things so that you end up in this cycle of offense or unforgiveness and bitterness, resentment, frustration and and it silently erodes the marriage until one day the marriage may end up dissolving as a result and everybody looks and says how did we get here? Well, it started with that little stuff that was never dealt with.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And so hopefully this will help you deal with it, one of the things we want to encourage you guys to do. As you're listening to us, there are some links in the description on this page to two books that we've shared Communicating Connect and also Elimin in your marriage. Please, I encourage you to get those books, read them. They will be of great value and benefit to you and give you further steps and more information that you can go and implement. Any resource guide book we put out is about giving you practical steps or things you can apply immediately to help improve your relationship. That's what we want to see happen with couples, with marriages and with those individuals that just want to be better and have a successful marriage.
Speaker 1:I love our relationship yes, I do too but we keep getting better yeah, it's not, it's not perfect but it's we, we had a situation just the other day, and we acknowledged what we didn't like about it on both ends, and even in that we have learned to celebrate our wins. We say well, we, we're better though yeah you know, yeah, okay, I see that I work on that. He was like I work on my end.
Speaker 1:It was like but we're a lot better than we used to be yeah, so you can celebrate your wins even while acknowledging the flaws in the areas of improvement exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was good. Good, you got anything else, that's it.
Speaker 1:Come on, that's a bit awesome. Hopefully you guys grabbed what we said today. Take it, apply it. It will change your life. Listen, we can't wait to see you. Until next time, share this podcast, don't forget to like and subscribe and we will see you next week. God bless you. Hey, thank you for joining us, for doing it with the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast. Absolutely. We'll see you next time.