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Pains Purpose
A joint exploration into the nature of life in a way that empowers each of us to be who we are.
Pains Purpose
Awareness & Self Care During Difficult Times
In this episode of Pain's Purpose Podcast, we unravel the secrets to maintaining a positive outlook and a peaceful lifestyle despite chronic medical issues. We talk about blending natural remedies with traditional medicine and how to find that individual balance. In caring for the soul we harness Chuang Tzu's timeless teachings to show that unlearning and submitting to the Ultimate Reality can lead to profound peace and abundance. We'll also share practical tips on practicing gratitude and enjoying those precious moments of energy through daily meditation and mindfulness.
Balancing self-care and giving to others can often feel like walking a tightrope. We explore how cultivating awareness and being present can transform even the most mundane activities into opportunities for joy and reflection. Through true personal stories, we highlight the impact of chronic unhappiness stemming from over-fixation on specific life aspects and share strategies to break free from this cycle. You'll hear about the importance of self-care for overall well-being, benefiting both yourself and those around you.
Lastly, we delve into the transformative power of self-care within the family unit, particularly for caregivers. Drawing from personal experiences with family members who have Down syndrome, we discuss how self-reflection and understanding past struggles can enhance relationships and contribute to a nurturing home environment. We'll also introduce various meditation practices, such as Thomas McConkie's integral polarity practice and the Buddhist practice of Tonglen, emphasizing the importance of finding your unique path.
We hope you enjoy it! Thank you for listening.
Thomas McConkie Still Point Practice - https://lowerlightswisdom.org/
https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Way-of-Chuang-Tzu-Second-Edition-Audiobook/B07M9CPVWZ?action_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp
Welcome to Pain's Purpose Podcast. I'm Evan.
Speaker 2:I'm Sarah Fitzgerald.
Speaker 1:And I'm also Fitzgerald. We're married. If you haven't been listening, that's us. We're a couple, we've been married 15 years and we've been through a few things.
Speaker 2:A few things or two.
Speaker 1:And we're not necessarily experts at anything, but we've just been pushed through the ringer and we have gained maybe a few insights that we'd like to share. And also, we just wanted to kind of connect with everybody and reach out to those other people that are in similar situations like us, where I have a chronic medical condition, where my lungs are hardening and it's created all sorts of issues and anyway, if you want to learn more about that, we've talked about it in previous episodes and today we really wanted to get into how we are able to maintain positive outlooks and a peaceful lifestyle despite the situation, which hasn't always been the case. We've struggled and that's why we wanted to share some of what we've learned, because we don't want other people to struggle maybe as much as we've had to struggle. Yeah, yeah, so I don't know, do we need another update?
Speaker 1:As far as where, medically, about the same um, as far as medically goes, it just really it's difficult to understand um, what's helping, and I want to feel like I'm in control of all of it. And when I feel like something's helping's, like okay, I gotta like really control that, what I'm doing, and make sure I do this every single day, but every time I try to do that. It makes me a little crazy. So so I'm learning to just enjoy being energetic and having energy, because it's pretty rare, and focusing on that and just being grateful for it has been more helpful than the other way. So that's kind of where we're at just still looking at natural remedies combined with traditional medicine.
Speaker 1:As far as like our Western lifestyle medicine these days it's been a little lopsided with us. I've depended a little too much probably on pharmaceuticals and things to try to snap me out of this condition and what we're realizing it's going to require the support of all different disciplines. Sorry, I'm struggling. As far as trying to get healthy, it's like it can't be just one thing. There's no one silver bullet like we've talked about, so it's a little bit of what we want to talk of about today also the audio last time was really bad, sorry, so hopefully this one's better.
Speaker 2:I wanted to add that because it's kind of hard to listen to.
Speaker 1:I even was like yeah, not only has the audio been questionable as we're figuring this out, but we also kind of get it into just really difficult, hard things and I'm sure it's monotonous sometimes to listen to. I hope it's not because we try to mix in.
Speaker 2:No, we're amazing babe.
Speaker 1:Well, that's I mean. I mean, that's what I think about you. No, I do. I think that we have some stuff to offer and hopefully it's coming across in a way that's understandable. All right, let's talk about today self-care, how to maintain intentions and really how to make a home to come home to. It's a phrase that Thomas McConkie uses when we do meditations, and it's referring to setting yourself up interiorly to be able to manage everything from the interior to the exterior, and it seems like that is the place where we can anchor in, maybe, or at least find a still point to respond from. And that's, yeah, we'll get into more of that.
Speaker 1:But to start, I really wanted to share something that I learned recently. That's pretty cool and it's from Xuanzu, who was born 369 BCE, so before the common area, before Christ, and in his book he talks about Lao Tzu, who is he is said to have lived in the 6th century BCE, so about 250 years before Shuang Tzu, and he's associated with the original Taoism. So the yin and the yang and the ideas and the philosophy behind that, and really there's not a lot of evidence that Lao Tzu lived, but Zhuang Tzu is a pretty well-known figure. That is historical as well and is anyway, is a genius in my opinion, and if you ever have time to read his stuff, I would take a look, and the book that I started with was one by Thomas Merton, and the book that I started with was one by Thomas Merton, so anyway, let's get into it.
Speaker 1:He says this is basically a conversation between Lao Tzu and one of his disciples, who's just struggling with the paradoxes of life and he is trying to change himself. And this is what Lao Tzu says to him. So he's just trying to figure out the first steps. And he says you want the first elements? He says the infant has them, free from care, unaware of self. These are the first elements.
Speaker 1:Then the disciple asked is this perfection? And he said no, this is only the beginning. This melts the ice, this enables you to unlearn, so you can be led by Tao, be a child of Tao. If you persist in making effort to obtain what effort cannot get, if you persist in reasoning about what cannot be understood, you'll be destroyed by the very thing. You seek To know when, to stop, to know when you can get no further by your own action. This is the right beginning.
Speaker 1:So, in my opinion, I think, to really understand where to start, we have to submit to the ultimate reality that's around us and to learn how to see reality as it is. And that sounds like, okay, everybody can see, but really what we want to talk about is seeing in a way that allows you to feel the abundance that's already around us and, in my opinion, without that, I wouldn't be able to function in the world, and so every day, I depend on my meditation to anchor me for the day in mindfulness. So that's something that I do in my practice every day to stay present to my life and to create. Create a life that I don't feel like I need to run from right.
Speaker 2:Um, and maybe you can mention some years yeah, we're just talking about this in the car but I liked some things that I do. Well, first let me tell you this. So I was talking to a friend about this and she goes and sees this therapist and he asked her what she did for self-care. And she's like I mean, I don't know like get my hair done different things. And he was like no, I don't mean like your nails, your hair, not like that self-care, like truly self-care. And he's like do you notice I don't know the exact thing? He said, kind of like when you take it, when you're taking your boys to school or daycare, like do you notice the birds flying or the beautiful sunrise and different stuff, like that. And I love that he put it so simply, like that, but it's, it can be meditation, it can be gratitude and it's self-care which is super important and that's something that we it's important to us too that we notice Like our boys are always like Mom, cotton candy, sunset yeah they notice.
Speaker 2:They notice those things because we do, which is really important. And then I was just talking to a friend on Marco Polo and she was just talking and then stopped. She lives in Alaska and she's like, oh my gosh, look at the beautiful mountainside filled with roses. And I started laughing because I'm like she reminded me so much of myself because you just notice those.
Speaker 2:I don't want to say they're small things, I really don't think they're small, I think they're huge things and those are those things that add up, that make our life joyful and purpose, and all of those things and it kind of can calm us down on those crazy days, if you're able to, if you're sitting in traffic and you're so frustrated and all you can see is just like I'm not home, I'm still not home and you're just irritated, or if you can, you know, take a step back and just be like, wow, look at this view.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't have noticed this view if I wasn't stuck in traffic. Right, you know, it's just like perspective too, but anyway. So I like to do those things for self-care, um, I like to go for walks, just like being out in nature and being one with mother. But we just went for a hike with some friends this weekend and I we literally hugged a tree and I was like I just feel like we're supposed to, and so me and my friend were just like, had our arms full wrapped around this tree, and her husband took a picture. He's like you tree huggers and it was funny, but it also is grounding and I'm really grateful like for that, as silly as it is.
Speaker 1:No, it's not silly, and finding beauty in the mundane, as you know, as people would call it, is, in my mind, spirituality. It's really how we're able to see what's already here. And that hike, for me, was a really important one, because it was not only so beautiful, but it was one that pushed me physically. You know, I just have been resistant to physically moving because my body doesn't want me to move right, and so, um, going out in nature has been something that has really snapped me out of moods or or um, blindness, whatever it is that we get stuck in, and so, going there, it was just like a dream. It really is such a beautiful place and it's, um, if you guys want to check it out, it's at north fork. Um, that's all we'll tell you.
Speaker 2:You have to figure out the rest, because there's just like a waterfall there's a waterfall hike, no, we can give you details, if you're really yeah if you're interested, there's lots of pretty trails up at north.
Speaker 1:But anyway, this one, you just hike a half mile and we took it really, really slow.
Speaker 2:It was like a fourth of a mile, wasn't it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was fourth of something like that Really short and just took us like a half hour and walking, so like that is a sort of like awareness, practice and meditation. Because when you're just trying to get from one place to another, like you were saying, in traffic, and you're not looking around, you can go on a hike in these incredible mountains and miss it all if you're not tuned up, you know, or if you haven't practiced being aware of what's around you and feeling that connection. And it's that connection that I mean when I talk about abundance and tapping into that unity that we have here. And I just feel like I want to describe it but any words will not give it justice. But as you climb up to the top of this in the woods, you just kind of drop into this waterfall area where you could tell the water just cut out this big space.
Speaker 1:And when we went up there it wasn't quick, it was more of a trickle, but it was still beautiful, the sun was just coming through and uh, yeah, it was just through beautiful trees and it um smell of the pine. All of it combining is just so grounding and so spiritual for me. And and uh, when I think about creating a home to come home to. That's the feeling that I'm aiming at, or that's what I'm trying to achieve, because I can respond for myself from that place pretty well, as opposed to the mundane things that we get stuck in if we're not aware, if we're just trying to get pay to be.
Speaker 2:Well, and on that hike I think it it have you ever. I back when you were, you know, super physically fit and it didn't hurt to just breathe. But like have you ever gone on a hike and you are just so busy looking down at the ground, like so you don't trip, or over a rock or whatever, yeah, tree branch, that you kind of miss the beauty and then when you come back down, you're you kind of know the past.
Speaker 2:you're kind of you come back down, you're you kind of know the past, you're kind of starting to look up a little bit more and you're like, oh, did I pass this earlier? I've done that so many times Cause I'm like, okay, I just got to focus on the path. I don't want to like fall so now. So we kept kind of taking breaks and be like where's Evan and Brady? You know like seeing how far you guys were, and it was cool because we would just stop and just like take it in and like walk a bit, stop and just pause, take it all in, look up and, yeah, look at your surroundings, because I think sometimes we can be a little too on the path, if you know.
Speaker 1:yeah yeah, detail oriented and not aware and open. Yeah, it's one of the things that Thomas says pretty frequently is that one of the or the main causes of our chronic unhappiness is how we fixate overly, focus on certain things in our lives and when we do that, we're not really aware of anything around what we're fixated on, right, not even people or their emotions, especially not plant life and animals, you know, and but maybe that's for some people can snap them out of that single-minded, you know, closed off, hard-hearted, however you want to say it attitude, um, animals can be that you know, our dog definitely has helped me with that, um. So I think we all probably have different ways that we find in life that remind us of how to be present and how to really show up and and be a part of what we're meant to be a part of.
Speaker 2:Well, and I was just thinking as self-care. So growing up my mom was always just like give, give, give, serve, serve, serve, to a point where, like she didn't serve herself and she's still this way, love you mother. But um, she'll like come up here, drop off dinner, and then I'll be like hey, did you have dinner? Um, she'll like come up here, drop off dinner, and then I'll be like hey, did you have dinner? And she's like no, I'm like why don't you have dinner? Like why are you bringing other people dinner?
Speaker 2:and she'll do it. She has seven kids and she'll do it for, like everyone that lives out here, it seems like and still hasn't fed herself, and so it's kind, but it's also not kind for herself, so I don't know. I feel like when I was younger, like I'd get migraines a lot, so I had to like figure out how to take care of myself, and it's not selfish, it's like that's what I needed to do to like literally survive, because I would get horrible, horrible ones, like I missed a week of school one time and they were just awful. So, taking care of myself physically, like managing stress, getting enough sleep, make sure I ate, you know enough, and like in a timely manner, like what's the word?
Speaker 2:Can't skip meals basically is what. I'm trying to say so just to keep those at bay, which was helpful, but I don't feel like she's ever taken the time to like learn those and I don't know, do you think it's like self, not self-taught, like I think some people comes naturally, but some do have to learn that.
Speaker 1:I think we teach people the wrong thing is like culture really, and the wide culture of christianity and our specific culture of just like give, give, give yeah, yeah, and it's your worth is based on what you give and how.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that the idea idea of forget yourself is a little contradictory and people get it confused. They literally don't think of themselves. But in reality, if we consider how to make ourselves as healthy as we can so that we can be present to the moment as we can, then we'll find that that's really what everybody around us wants and needs most. I think and that's been my opinion of both our, our moms, and a little bit probably has to do with how they had to deal with life after their husbands died, because our moms have that in common their husbands died at a really young age and they were left with really young kids.
Speaker 1:Lots of kids. Yeah, sarah's mom was pregnant with her sister, katie. It's interesting the synchronicities between us and our family lives, but what I was getting at is that I really believe that that has something to do with how they show up in the world, because that's how they survived during that time is, they did nothing but serve us, you know, and their kids, and that's how they were able to raise good kids, because all your brothers and sisters are pretty awesome people. I could say the same about mine too.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, and even that's funny you just mentioned that about my mom being pregnant when her husband passed away, because Her husband Kirk. Yeah, because she said that she's told me before she's like I was kind of a blessing because it forced me to take care of myself, because she otherwise wouldn't have. And it's like those five kids needed her Well, six you know, but five that were out of her belly and then one in yeah, so it's just it's kind of it's crazy.
Speaker 1:I think it's the same for my little sister, annie. She has Down syndrome and, yeah, she could not survive, still cannot survive, without my mom's constant support and care. She's pretty severely disabled, an amazing light and beautiful person. She's so funny, Her sense of humor, is awesome. But that's also been how she felt stable and how she was able to get through all of those difficult years, was to serve, and at some point, I think there just comes a real need, and maybe it's when the kids are leaving the house.
Speaker 1:I don't really know, because we're not there to that stage yet, but it just seems like as they grow old, the more we need to take time for self care so that we can show up for them, for instance with my oldest, more we need to take time for self-care so that we can show up for them, for instance with my oldest. If I didn't take time to reflect on how I disliked myself as a teenager, as his age, and if I didn't think about how tormented I felt at that time, you know, and all of these things, then I wouldn't be aware of these triggers or these resistances that come up in relationship to him. So, anyway, it just enables me to be present with him more and I think he feels more seen when I'm able to see him from a perspective that is a self-care perspective. It's arrested, it's a self-aware. It's like what do I need in this moment?
Speaker 1:And once I've been able to maintain that, what do I need to heal what was you know? And integrate all that into what I am now so that I can be the most that I can be. And all of that, I think, is what we're talking about. We're talking about mindfulness and self-care and creating a home to come home to. Hopefully, that type of individual work just ripples out. It's been my experience that this is the case, that it just ripples out into relationships and home. Then this is a place, hopefully, where the kids want to come home and feel safe and relieved and rested.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I also with all of that. I don't feel like we've ever given like a I don't know kind of a backstory of us and our families, like because you don't have just Annie, you also have a brother, james, who lives with us that has Down syndrome.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I feel like we're giving pieces of ourselves. But I don't know, maybe it could be a different podcast, but I was just thinking. Like we don't really talk about like all of our family stuff which we don't have to, it can come out through pieces, I guess.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well, I mean it's relevant. James is somebody that we help, but he's way more independent than my little sister Annie. Yeah, and he, he needs help with self-care, um things that he doesn't see physically right that we need to bring attention to, and it's just, I think, a pretty good analogy. Yeah, sure, we can see physically maybe some stuff that's going on with us most of us us but intuitively and internally, you know, it takes a little more willingness to sit in silence and stillness to really understand what's going on inside.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, and I think to be able to see others. Maybe we've talked about this before, but so, like with James, for example, sometimes he gets depressed.
Speaker 2:He's yes, he lives in our basement but we try to both live like separate lives, like we do dinner up here, he does dinner down there. Like sometimes we have him up right, but like we want to keep it separate, to keep his independence and and he likes it, he likes to fill and watch a show and do his own thing. But sometimes if we're out, going out to do something, I'm like hey, do you want to go?
Speaker 2:he's like no, I'm like that's weird, like he'll get in his slump like we all do I think it is just human nature but realizing he's there and then having like talk to him about like hey and the shows he's watching, you know like get him back into like the happy, positive shows and going to birthday parties and just stuff that he might say no to yeah but also like the self-care, like hey, let's get you out and go for a walk again, because there was a time where he wasn't walking just to work and I really I was like I it's hard because I'm not his mommy, but I have this like hard role to play because we are kind of like caretakers in a way, but I'm his sister-in-law and so I'm like, hey, but I want you to walk to work, like the sunshine on your skin's good, you get to see the birds and the trees and anyway. But to him that's like hard, like I don't, I'd rather have a ride, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So if I didn't take care of myself though enough, like I probably wouldn't notice those things with him or I'd be too busy or be like whatever, do whatever, I don't care, you wouldn't understand the value of it if you didn't yourself and you can't take anywhere that you haven't been right.
Speaker 1:That's really vital and I think um james is such a good example of how in my life for me, when I'm overbearing with myself, like I've been with him before, I used to try to control what he ate, quite a bit out of fear that he wasn't healthy and that one we would selfishly we'd have to take care of somebody that was sick and obviously our family would help out with that. But it was a fear and him dying would be crushing for me, like he's really, really important in my life and, uh, just feel emotional about it.
Speaker 1:But um, well, they have like health struggles yeah, so when I was overly, what I was getting at is when I was overly controlling 100%, he resisted and he just did what he wanted. And we really need to consider ourselves in a similar way. We can't just force ways of doing things and and all of that takes work.
Speaker 2:Well, and you can talk to yourself like you're talking to James. So for a while there he wouldn't talk to you, cause he was like I've been mad at me and he would only talk to me.
Speaker 1:And it was only because I was frustrated with my situation. Right and he was reflecting on it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's just. But if you're almost talk to him like calm, like and not quietly, but you know what I mean, just with kindness and respect really, and then we but we can all kind of do that to ourselves, like sometimes I wish my mom or people that aren't very mindful, like, say, I needed a hundred dollar prescription, she would go and get it Like no hesitation for you for me, but for herself she's like nah, I probably just don't need that, and I'm like what?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:How does this make sense? That's how she thinks it. It's like she's not worthy of it, or she it's, it's just not worth it. And it blows my mind because sometimes I've turned situations. I'm like, mom, what if that was me? Would you go, yeah. Or she was having some health problems. I'm like if my heart was hurting or if this was, would you tell me, go to the hospital? And she's like, well, yeah, I'm like okay. Then do you see why this is so difficult?
Speaker 1:yeah, what what you just said? Actually you kind of got at it, but I think it's another really good example of what you're talking about. It's how we talk to ourselves.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:When we talk to ourselves with unkindness, with sarcasm or with control, you know, or whatever controlling voice, then that's what comes out with our kids and to the people around us. And it just comes out with our kids and to the people around us. And it just comes out and that's just for us should be kind of another one of those awareness triggers that's like okay, I need to figure out. Why am I responding this way?
Speaker 1:And since we're talking about that, I was just curious some thoughts that you had about meditation, because I believe that, in some form or another, meditation is for everyone and you know there's a part of us that never stops meditating. Right is how some zen masters put it, and we're just bringing awareness to this and that's what helps us see all that's there. But how do? How do you know you need to meditate right or you need to switch up your meditation type or cause? Some of us do it through activities, but maybe it would be more appropriate to sit in stillness more. You know these are just questions that I have for myself that, um, I don't know what are your thoughts.
Speaker 2:I think meditation right now it's just, it's pretty widespread, like we hear it, like oh, you're stressed meditation, you're sick, like it has this, and it's true. But if you're, if you haven't practiced it. So I kind of was like hesitant, like what's the right word? Not hesitant, I was open-minded. But for me I'm a box checker, so say, I turn on a you know something on a meditation and then I'm sitting there my brain's going 100 miles an hour and then I'm like, okay, I don't, I feel like I should get up right now and I need to get all this stuff done. I'm wasting my time.
Speaker 2:So I was frustrated at the beginning because it felt like it was like not productive the sitting still kind of meditation, yeah and so until I practice more and more and like, like, I like the Thomas McConkie one, I like how you can kind of, you can be cleaning, you can be going for a walk and you can be listening, and then you can take your little little bits of it at a time, but just yeah, that's mindfulness plus. By the way, oh, whatever podcast you use, yeah, it's really good, but I feel like I always listen to the exact one I need to, even if I just have listened to like them before, I'm like, oh, let's go with that one.
Speaker 2:And then I pull something else from it and it's, it's good. But I like how he is so graceful, because it's not one way. It's not like hey, you take a deep breath and you do this and you should feel this way. Everyone is so different. We all have different backgrounds. We all have different personality types, our stress levels. Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I need sleep.
Speaker 1:And that's self-care.
Speaker 2:I'm just so exhausted and I'm like, why am I falling asleep? Like I got to meditate, I got to focus, so I've been having more grace for myself in that way. So sometimes I just walk the whole time and just listen and that to me was meditation and I feel a release and I don't have to hold still and I don't have to worry if I have this upright position or if my core is weak or my back hurts or just different things. We overthink it, yeah week or my back hurts, or just different things.
Speaker 2:We overthink it, yeah, and so making it your own, yeah, and having a good meditation teacher, like he said, what? Me and yours completely different, but I would say I would still get the same benefits yeah I mean, who knows how do you compare that right?
Speaker 1:I think what you're saying is 100. What he would agree with it's we really got to tune into what we as individuals need at any certain moment in time, and that, in my mind, is what self-care is all about. And to have that kind of awareness, though, is really really difficult, because awareness precedes choice. So we have to work on our ability to perceive things, and this is actually his still point meditation style. It's integral polarity practice that john kessler and thomas mcconkie have both created, but it was founded by john kessler anyway. The the first foundational polarities that we come to earth with, that they talk about, that we work with, are the life, it's expansion and contraction, basically just with are the life, its expansion and contraction, basically just accepting life as it is, the cycles of life, and we work with the breath, in-breath and out-breath, but I mean, you get to the death cycles of life too, and being willing to accept that as a practice. We have to work on that. It's something I have to practice at, and if we're not willing to see life as it is, reality as it is, then we're not going to be able to even have a choice to choose. So from there we have to clear up. This is just kind of going up his scale of meditation to work on our perception, how we're bringing things in through our senses and how we're making meaning of what's brought in. And when we start paying attention to that, we start realizing that we're making meaning out of things that are really causing excess suffering and wasting a ton of energy. And then, once we're able to kind of move through that, all these polarities interweave and they work together. So it's not like you have to start at the bottom and work up. But the next one is the awareness polarity where we're working with, like, the focus and open awareness and how we move throughout life and our awareness does this. We understand that more and more we're able to really clarify our intentions and realize what unconscious intentions are sabotaging those and how we show up in the world.
Speaker 1:And for me it's made all the difference and that's just one way and they'll say themselves that it's not the only way and for me I felt that I needed to sit still and I need a lot of stillness to be able to deal with the pain that I have. Because if I'm not aware of how I'm reacting from my pain, then I'm responding from my lowest self and I did that for a long time and that almost destroyed us and it's taken a lot of time and practice to be able to realize that hey, I'm showing up as my pain and they're seeing not Evan, they're seeing pain and my kids started to think that they were the cause of it and you. That really just caught me and helped me realize that I need to change. This was a method that just came up as an opportunity as I was following what I felt like was what my body and my mind and my heart needed.
Speaker 1:I think everybody will fall into their own similar path and it's not necessarily going to be still point meditation, but it might be mindfulness plus and just listening to kind of some different religious and philosophical ways of being in the world. And he usually does a little meditation at the end, about five to 10 minutes. And he usually does a little meditation at the end, about five to ten minutes. And, yeah, you can be walking with that. He asked that you don't drive. I think in a lot of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's helpful. I just had a thought Hold on, totally just left my brain.
Speaker 1:I was rambling for a while about meditation. No, I had it.
Speaker 2:And then I started to think of when we went just recently to the gorge. I was on the walk listening to it and you said something about not driving, and so that's where my brain went, like right there, oh boy okay, I got it back.
Speaker 2:Oh nice, so that's not coming. I still feel like a have pregnancy right, and 10 years later, it's fine. So what I was going to say, though, is, sometimes, so you're not magically like, oh, I feel so much better right after, like you can and sometimes I, you definitely do but like the daily life of stress is still there, your pain is still there. So sometimes I think I would be like, well, I'm still stressed about this and now I have to. Oh, great, now, now I'm 20 minutes behind, I have to go finish this and this. Yeah, so instead of, I guess, feeling like it's wasted time, I mean just changing my mindset, but also say something really stressful happens like a fight with the kids, or you come in and the dog's barking, and like all the chaos of just daily life, and you just want to lose it. And then your kid calls you Satan and you want to punch him in the face, but you take a deep breath and you don't. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Can you?
Speaker 2:relate with that. That was me and I was like okay, and I seriously just took a deep breath and I was like, okay, but that's like going back to your safe place, because something for me, like I just said, sitting still and even closing my eyes sometimes I haven't felt safe enough to do that, if that makes sense or like what's gonna get me, what's gonna kill me, like that it's still there is still there.
Speaker 2:So closing my eyes and sitting still is probably not the best for me right at moments of my life, and not saying that I'm not going to strive to get there, but just allowing me to be me and to move and to work its way in whatever way it needs to be possible for you. You need like you don't have a ton of energy, so sitting still, yeah, like just to move hurts, right, so that would make sense where that comes. That's your comfortable place. So just everyone it'd be helpful if they can find their comfortable place. Maybe it's in your car.
Speaker 2:A lot of moms, like after they go to the grocery store, drop kids off, they sit in their car for 20 minutes, right, just to have like a minute some space yeah, yeah, no one to touch them, because you're just like overstimulated and it's not just a kid thing, like kids start crying if they're overstimulated, thrown a tantrum, well, so can parents and moms and to, I guess, give space for that. I just see it now, like you know, friends, family, I see the just overstimulation.
Speaker 1:I feel bad and just want to hold them, be like it's okay, you're okay, we're gonna get through this yeah, we're gonna get through this anyway, and it will be okay and it will be, but sometimes you do need that extra help or just that reminder, yeah, and we need people around us to help us and we need to like establish that, like, hey, when I get to this level, I need to know that I'm okay yeah.
Speaker 1:If I'm asking for it all the time, like somebody that's codependent, that's not going to work because the power is gone.
Speaker 1:But if we're working on a healthy relationship, then in those moments when I need that reassurance, I can look to you and I can be like, okay, all right, and that's part of caring for ourselves. That's an important part. And what you said I think is the heart of meditation is bringing awareness to the moment that we're stepping outside of our highest self, and the awareness of that awareness is metacognition. It's all the studies are proving that it's helpful, more helpful than pharmaceuticals for a lot of things. It's a crime that it's not more part of the common healthcare system. I think hopefully we're getting there and we'll eventually. But yeah, so bringing awareness to the anxiety that we're feeling and how we're responding from that anxiety in that moment and how it's negatively affecting the people around us, that is mindfulness practice, and if we're able to maintain compassion, then we don't like swing to the other pendulum and shame ourselves for that. We can just realize that this is part of the learning process. We can ask for grace.
Speaker 2:Right and not throwing it out altogether, because I was the personality I don't know was it type one personality, but it's kind of like all or nothing and I'm definitely. I think I'm a healthy one, though like I don't do that. It's just it's not helpful. It's like the balance is huge, but just because maybe I didn't feel the way I was expecting or had these weird expectations, it's like no, this still helps you and like even with you, like um, if we have a crazy hard day, like sometimes they help you, like calm you down and vice versa, right. And it's like, okay, we have these tools, but anyway, sorry, that was just kind of adding onto your like sometimes we need to help each other.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, it's really good.
Speaker 2:It's life is hard.
Speaker 1:And we don't. Sometimes we get spun out and we don't even know we're spun out, right, and somebody needs to be like, hey, you're not acting.
Speaker 2:We're kind of like okay, everyone, let's take a breath. Yeah, we definitely. You're probably like shut it.
Speaker 1:No, it's helpful, it's definitely helpful.
Speaker 2:I'm always like, okay, should we all just take a breath, everyone?
Speaker 1:So you just reminded me when you talked about you taking a breath. I just had a flashback A cubby on the cliff. On the cliff Same flashback.
Speaker 2:Dude, we have the same brain.
Speaker 1:I legit.
Speaker 2:had the same thought just now too it was so amazing.
Speaker 1:You want to tell it, or do you want me to? You go ahead. I want to tell it, okay. So he was on this pretty high cliff. For him it was like 25, 30 feet maybe, and he's a little nine-year-old tough guy, has older brothers that are really brave, so he's the last one to go and he's up there just trying to gather himself. It was so cute and he's just like tiptoeing by the edge and then backing up tiptoeing by the edge, backing up.
Speaker 2:Kind of going side to side thinking like is this the best spot? Let me go over here. What about this? Does this look a little less? Can just feel the butterflies in his belly just spinning and uh, then finally he goes and you can watch his mouth like full, like full belly, full of air and then he releases, jumps, jumps.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's. It was just so beautiful. What a perfect example of what we're talking about. It was beautiful Because that's what we're trying to do is to gather ourselves to take a step out into this unknown, really Take a leap. Yeah, because we don't know what's going to happen next. None of us do. We want to pretend like we know and we create illusions around all of that. But in reality, being present to the moment is kind of giving up all that and just being brave. Being present to the moment is kind of giving up all that and just being brave.
Speaker 1:And I have to have practices throughout the day, similar to Kavi, where I have to take breaths and I have to do visualizations, and one of them that I do that's been so helpful. It's called Tonglen, a Buddhist practice, and we don't maybe have enough time to go over it in detail, so I'll just give you a brief explanation of how I practice it, and I'm not in any way, you know, a professional in any of this. So just for what it's worth and any of the things that we share with you, it's all to help you develop your own practice. So Tonglen is a loving, awareness kind of meditation and for me, when I'm feeling pain and it feels overwhelming, I take a deep breath in and I picture light mixing with the shadows inside of me, around me, and I say, with the breath in, may I suffer this on behalf of myself. And then, as I breathe out, the light goes, dissipates into the space around me and as I breathe out, I say, may I suffer this on behalf of myself, and then out, on behalf of all creation. And you can do that with joy as well, and I've been doing it more with when I'm experiencing joy and I've been doing it more with when I'm experiencing joy and it's something that I feel like is connecting to the greater wholeness of us.
Speaker 1:And, at this kind of point of talking about it, really lose our ability to talk about it because it's beyond words, and that's why a lot of Buddhist practices it's more of an experiential type of learning. There's not a lot of words when you're learning at all. So anyway, for what it's worth, yeah, as we go into the self-care and with an intention to be guided to what we need individually, it's just being open to those sorts of things and different types of learning, because all of the things that are being presented to us, I believe firmly, are what we need for what's coming next, and awareness of what's being offered is a big part of self-care. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I agree.
Speaker 1:Is that a good place to stop?
Speaker 2:I think it's a good place to stop. I'm just nervous because the boys are going to start coming home.
Speaker 1:Okay, thank you for listening. Please share it if you thought it was helpful, and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 2:Thank you.