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Pains Purpose
A joint exploration into the nature of life in a way that empowers each of us to be who we are.
Pains Purpose
#8 Courage, Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Peace with Monique
Monique's story is a testament to resilience and the indomitable human spirit. Raised by a single mother in challenging circumstances, Monique's childhood was a whirlwind of frequent moves and heavy responsibilities. Yet, her mother's unwavering strength and positive outlook profoundly shaped her attitude toward life's adversities. Monique's experiences reflect the universal challenges of growing up in an imperfect yet loving household, emphasizing how such a background can cultivate resilience and the ability to face hardships head-on.
Facing unimaginable physical and emotional challenges after being struck by a drunk driver, Monique's journey through recovery is both heart-wrenching and inspiring. The accident left her grappling with severe injuries, compounded by the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic. Through prayer and divine guidance, she navigated her complex emotions and found a renewed sense of purpose in her suffering.
Forgiveness and healing are at the heart of Monique's story, particularly when confronted with the moral dilemma of showing leniency to the drunk driver who changed her life forever. Her journey through the medical system reveals significant frustrations and the vital importance of resilience and self-advocacy. As she shares her methods of coping, including the use of prayer, meditation, and even cannabis for pain management, Monique's story becomes a powerful message of finding strength through community, creative outlets, and self-discovery. Join us as we explore how Monique's remarkable journey can inspire us all to find purpose and resilience in the face of adversity.
Welcome to another Pain's Purpose podcast. I'm Evan Fitzgerald, this is my wife, Sarah, and we're really happy to have Monique here with us today for a lot of reasons. There's not many people in the world that can relate to a constant level of pain and struggle like I've been going through, and we've had a lot of really good conversations along the way and we just kind of hope to extend those and have some more of those today with you.
Speaker 3:Yes, so this is my beautiful niece Monique. She has a really cool story so we'll get into that. But before I just want to tell you a little bit about her. So she kind of my sister had her when she was pretty young and so she lived with us growing up. Sister had her when she was pretty young and so she lived with us growing up. So she kind of was like I don't want to say also my daughter, but we were super, super close so we got to see her as a baby toddler and growing up. So it's, it's been, I guess, like a different dynamic for a little bit, but she has like an old soul, so beautiful, like the babies are just drawn to her and adults like everybody.
Speaker 2:I just I'm already gonna cry so, um, okay.
Speaker 3:So first she has, she was hit by a drunk driver and I want to get there. But I also want to talk about kind of like, that's not just who, that's not just you, right, that's not your whole story. So maybe let's talk about, like I mentioned a little bit, but just like growing up, your family dynamic what it was like yeah, so basically, growing up, I was raised by a single mother.
Speaker 2:I'm the oldest of four and, luckily for me, my mom taught me at a young age how to take on life challenges with a positive attitude and to not let it weigh you down, to let it teach you and guide you into a better direction. Um, and that has helped me get to where I am today. My family, luckily, is really close to one another, awesome.
Speaker 3:Did you have something?
Speaker 1:No, I just was going to say that you are close and that's really cool to see and as you're growing older, it's cool to see how you've all grown. But along the way there was struggles. I mean, maybe you could talk about how many times you've moved and the character that you developed up until that car accident, because the reason that you're able to be such a light in the world today isn't just because of who you were after. It was the character and the person that you were developed into up until that point. And that's really what we're looking to get you know and to share, because it's really impressive and I think it's important for people to understand that it's not something that happens, you know. A tragedy happens and then the person, out of nowhere, is able to move through it with grace and dignity. It really does take a lot of development, I think, and support along the way to prepare a person for such, you know, such an impossible type of situation that you found yourself in.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Yeah, growing up we didn't have it very easy. Obviously. My mom trying to do everything on her own was not easy. We stayed with my grandma a lot and we did move often. But luckily for me, my mom is the strongest woman Well, one of the strongest women I do know, and she, I don't know, it's kind of hard to talk about.
Speaker 3:I'm like, oh, and you don't have to.
Speaker 1:I just think it's like definitely relatable with some like this single mom, like, yes, you love her and admire her and look up to her, but that still doesn't mean things weren't really hard for you it's those imperfections from our parents, though, that really kind of draw out grace and draw out, you know, some of those higher qualities, or maybe the opposite for some people, right, but you, it seems like we have parents that I think all of us here actually, we have had moms that were single growing up, and we all can relate with how impossible that would be for a mom to have to raise kids, you know, and obviously they did it imperfectly. Freud or Jung or some psychologist that said that every mother necessarily fails because they're not supposed to be perfect, right, and your mom failed in a way that it was obvious she loved you no matter what, and that foundation of love and that power that has come from her has really been a foundation for you, it sounds like in growing up, even though that she wasn't maybe there all the time and couldn't.
Speaker 3:Well and in the ways that, like you needed right. Couldn't be, yeah, Like same thing with my mom. It's like, yeah, I'm sure she did her best, but still, and so that's why I love her and respect her. But at the same time, like there were times, I'm sure for you too it's like that wasn't good enough for what you needed, you know. So it's like super still hard, so like anyway, like we don't have to, I don't. Yeah, I don't want you to feel like you have to say or not say it.
Speaker 3:You're like, oh, she might listen to this.
Speaker 2:I want to share it because this is what a lot of people will relate to too. Um, I'm trying to figure out how way to comfortably kind of say kind of you know, I was staying with you guys growing up with grandma, but it's hard to explain it without it being confusing, you know, because it was so much back and forth yeah, so a lot of chaos growing up for you, yeah yeah, yeah, I always wanted to be able to help my mom, or so she would work numerous jobs.
Speaker 2:I would get home from school and babysit and, like some days, try to cook dinner and stuff and have the house clean for when my mom got home from work and have the kids in bed and ready for school the next day, and that helped me become more responsible also, even though it wasn't always easy because I'm the older sister and they don't want to listen to me all the time.
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, and that's a parental role, yeah and so I kind of didn't want to overstep my sister role, if that makes sense, right? But luckily for us we always had something to eat and we always had each other through the hard times, you know, and my mom paying all the bills and our food, clothes and things like that. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but we had family and support to help us during the tough times. And God, he's here and always will be, and that's how we're a family, that's how we're still close, that is how we are able to get through tough challenges. And I don't think life throws challenges at you necessarily to knock you down. It's to help shape you. You have the opportunity to choose to learn and grow in life or to dwell in situations that happen in life, and that is no matter how young or old you are. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Is that something that your mom instilled in you is like? It sounds like the home is god-centered home, and I can tell by the relationships that you have that it is. That is what you say. It's impressive because you all have been through so much I think I'm one of the biggest ones with.
Speaker 2:That's cool, not necessarily closer to God, but more in tune. I think, um, I'm more open to the relationship also and I think that kind of you know, because I'm the one that is first to say God and things like that in your mind. But I don't think it's that my family forgot. But I always like to just mention him because it would be a lie without For sure.
Speaker 2:And growing up, my grandma and all of my aunts and uncles and my mom. She would pray with me when we would go to bed and that always taught me to continue to pray right before I go to bed today. And I got to go to church I think a lot more than my brothers and sisters and my mom kind of I got as she got older.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she wasn't as active so growing up, um she actually helped raise me too.
Speaker 3:So yeah, she's an amazing person beautifully and perfect, and she was just like what I needed, because my mom had to work too and she kind of stopped going to school and so I was in preschool, so she took care of me and kept me alive, like literally.
Speaker 3:She saved me from drowning probably multiple times and she taught me a ton of stuff.
Speaker 3:So like I have nothing but goodness to say about her, but she was a young mom, and so I think it's cool that you can, instead of being like you weren't there for me in all the ways you're like I see that you did your best and you guys grew up together Like I'm sure sometimes it felt like sisters instead of like mom-daughter relationship, and maybe I don't know. Anyway, I still think it's awesome and I do think it's cool you guys are all so close and I think it's awesome that you're open to God, because I do think your family, like our own, like I don't know who did what back in, you know, a long time ago, but I feel like we've been dealt some harder cards than a lot of people have, and so that's probably why, you know, maybe your siblings are not as open, because it's like gosh, gosh. It's so hard, though, and that takes faith. And when you go through so much hard, like it's hard to have faith, hope, trust, like it's it is, and I'm sure you've been there.
Speaker 2:And I think I I had the opportunity to that, like my siblings they probably have Well, maybe not, but I think for me personally I got to the point where I was at the dead end. There's nowhere to go, but god really. Because every day I'd wake up like at this point I couldn't walk really without having crutches. My leg literally did not move yeah and so, when I woke up, I would be pissed you know and not happy to be alive.
Speaker 2:And I would like just wonder you know how I felt like that? Because right after my accident I remember um praying to God and asking him not to take my life because I didn't want my family to lose a loss, because we had barely lost my brother Gabriel. So I was just kind of confused like how do I have this conflict filling within? And I just prayed and asked him for guidance and clarity because I could not see why I was going through what I was going through and why I had to be a burden on my family, because I did not appreciate that. Yeah, let's.
Speaker 1:We should get like a burden. Yeah, okay, so let's skip forward to.
Speaker 3:I just like I think it's good to like the foundation because I what's the roots?
Speaker 1:It's what we're all about, right?
Speaker 3:It's what we're talking about, and it's like well, this is why like because you have to deal with this hard first, so that when the next hard comes like, you're ready for it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I just I as framing what we're going through, people like yourself and me. What we're going through is not something that should be framed in my mind. I wonder what people did wrong in the past to bring us to this point, because, in my mind, people who are put in positions like this are entrusted with a opportunity, and what comes from it is way more than would otherwise be I probably just said that, but it's kind of like an old saying it is an old saying, but I just I think it's a good thing to interject right here just to make sure that, as far as I'm concerned, my belief and watching people like Monique go through their tragedies, it's just yeah, it's incredible really progression like
Speaker 3:yeah, exactly you need it and I'm sure you both have, and I, you know, in different ways have like an outlook on life that I wouldn't have otherwise. Watching you and like, hurt, you know, like, and you guys going through like the amount of suffering and how you can relate to each other and others Same way like we can relate to others that have lost a child, or you know it's like it sucks and you're like no, no, thanks. But then it's also like I'm sure you're going to meet people throughout your life that have had tragedies and horrible things like this and they're going to be like, oh my gosh, you get it, like they're going to look into your eyes and just they don't have to explain or give every little detail they just know like she gets it.
Speaker 1:I'm seen and that's so huge exactly and I just wanted to make that sorry.
Speaker 1:I shouldn't have a point from the get-go, just just that we're all on the same page as far as what is happening here in my mind, and pain's purpose is to remind us of our true nature, and we are somehow blessed. You know, I see it now as a blessing to have all that isn't important removed from our awareness, to focus solely on really what we're here to do and and to be, and so that it really having your story, um, it just supports me in mine and my uh desire to be what I feel like God is asking me to be. So, let's, why don't we start from the beginning of your story? And you were driving home. What time was it at night?
Speaker 2:It was at 6 30 PM. I was heading to actually get my brakes and rotors changed and, um, I was going through a light on second street. It was like on the back road, on monroe I think it is, and right when I went around the it's kind of like a curvy road. But right when I went to turn I seen a car and it's crazy because I'm in me told me you're gonna be hit and I just like asked God, I'm assuming like, do I stop or try to go fast and dodge something?
Speaker 2:just told me to stop and slightly turn my wheel so the car would go mostly into the opposite side and after I was hit I was pulled underneath my steering wheel because the engine came in on me and I just remember, kind of using my arms I just put it on the seat and in the middle console and it took about two or three times for me to be able to pull myself all the way out of the debris and I was able to pull myself back up on the seat and I just remember saying, hey, he hit me. When I looked down I seen like my leg was ruined and my bone was coming out. My hip was out of socket and I just started screaming my head off.
Speaker 3:So your femur was busted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my whole leg was broke pretty much. It was freaking, yeah, and as a paramedic.
Speaker 1:to break a femur takes insane amounts of force, so that was a really hard hit and it's amazing you didn't get knocked out.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, they actually did mention that. It's crazy that I remembered it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And was not like freaking out. You know, after I didn't stop looking at my leg, I was okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And the paramedics did a good job on getting me out, and I just remember telling them like can you carry me, are you sure? I'm like I'm heavier than I look. I'm like I don't think you guys can do it.
Speaker 3:They're like we got this and they just bit the door open.
Speaker 2:I'm like, whoa, these are God's people, did they?
Speaker 1:have to use jaws to bend the metal, the jaws of life, yeah for my door. So you were stuck in the car.
Speaker 3:Our cars were total. They were the exact same car right.
Speaker 2:And the same color, oh weird. And they were on ultimas, oh my gosh, yeah. And once the paramedics got me out and into the um ambulance, they started going and I remember feeling my bones shifting on each turn and I could not cry. I would just, I just would scream and tell them like, can you just slow down? Like I know you're trying to get me there and I want to be there, but I can't do these turns like this, you know. And he told the driver, you know, slow down. And they did a great job.
Speaker 2:And I got to the hospital and it was chaotic. I'm like they started shooting me up with medicine, yeah, cutting my clothes off. And I just kind of remember waking up during a CT. I was vomiting. They knocked me back out and this time I was in an operating room and I had woken up because they were like untwisting my leg to kind of start the reconstruction, and that's um second time. They gave me another shot of medicine, but that time I felt like I actually got shot back and I was looking at the ceiling and it felt like I just, you know, like, slowed down and everything zoomed into this white light pretty much, and that's when I just stopped.
Speaker 2:I was like uh-uh, because I imagine dying like it begins like that, and videos of your life, I don't know right. So as soon as I seen that, I just remember praying and saying please don't take me um my family and I don't want them to deal with another loss, because it was July and just October that previous year we had lost Gabriel and so it was still like we were dealing with it, you know. And after I remember saying that prayer, I don't really remember nothing else until the day of the parade. That was the first day that I was actually conscious and I asked the nurse. I was like how many days have I been here? Because I asked him how many days I would be there when I got there, and she's like three or four. I was like okay there, and she's like three or four. I was like okay, and she's like you've been here for I think she said three or four days. I was like so am I getting discharged?
Speaker 3:she's like no so and I'm like, oh, go ahead so when is my mom coming here?
Speaker 2:she's like nobody can visit you because it was COVID.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was gonna say the backstory.
Speaker 2:It's 2020, nobody could come, so her mom planned like oh so my mom would drop off stuff for me like to, because I had to go into like a rehab part to learn how to take a shower, go to the bathroom and get dressed and things like that yeah, basic, because, my well, my hand got a pin and this was all burnt and my whole leg was reconstructed.
Speaker 1:There's metal all over in your leg.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so you had two metal rods, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had two metal.
Speaker 3:Knee to hip.
Speaker 2:So hip to ankle, and then I had screws from about here to ankle and it was two rods and seven screws. But, um, once I woke up, I had called my mom and I was like they said I'm not leaving and they said I'd be discharged in three days. You know, she was like you have to understand you were in a serious car wreck and she surprised me in a serious car wreck and she surprised me with all my family, um, because one thing about my mom, um, she will do her best to make sure her kids are good and as happy as they can be. And so, like, when she would call me, she was always calm and so, like, easygoing, and I'm like, wow, this is crazy, you know. And later on I was found out she was crying gonna kill people like let me in that hospital and they're like you can't come in.
Speaker 3:She's like watch me, and I was like you're gonna go to jail. You better stop.
Speaker 1:Like I do remember that she really was trying to get up there to see you.
Speaker 3:Oh oh yeah. She's like no, my daughter's here and I'm coming in.
Speaker 2:Because she only seen my car. She didn't talk to me. My phone was dead and ruined.
Speaker 1:That would be terrifying. As a parent, I can't imagine.
Speaker 2:She just had a million missed calls Because the lady at the scene that had came up to ask me if I was okay, she actually kept calling my mom too, and finally got a hold of her, and that's how my mom found out Some good people.
Speaker 2:Definitely yeah. And luckily that day my mom had invited the family to come up to the hospital and do a little parade for me. So I had visitors, even though they couldn't come in my room. But the nurses, they lifted up my bed and I just seen everybody down at the bottom with their little signs and little posters and it made me happy and got me into the mode of I can do this. And got me into the mode of I can do this, yeah, and that was the beginning of the comeback, I guess, because by day six I was using the walker and I would just strap it on here and just kind of hop, and so each day I started physical therapy, like on day six in the hospital, and it was hard because it was just too much. It felt like too much at the time, you know, yeah, but your body, remembers it.
Speaker 1:I can tell because you. It feels like you're processing some of that right now. Your body went through a lot, it went through a lot.
Speaker 3:Not just even physically, especially the timing mentally, emotionally. You're alone. She can't have her mom be like I'm here, I got you Touch. Seriously, that gives you enough strength to push forward, because it's loneliness, mental health. Push forward Because it's like loneliness, like mental health like all that stuff like so much pain.
Speaker 1:It's all involved in our healing and if any of those pieces aren't in place, it's a lot to overcome to try to heal. So that's it's part of the miracle of you being here right now and you named a few through the accident, of you being here right now and you named a few through the accident you talked about. Uh, knowing before it's almost sounded like time froze that you were going to get an accident and knowing which way to turn and not having pain just knock you out right away, and being alert enough you know to remember a lot of the people that helped you and that were there.
Speaker 3:I mean, those are all gifts and even that small female like I. That blows my mind so let's talk about yeah, like his story. That's what I think super cool. Like me is even protective. I'm only your aunt, but I still was like what you what happened, so tell us a little about like the.
Speaker 2:Yeah, whatever you want to say about that well, his wife contacted me like I would say three, two or three weeks after the accident happened are you home now?
Speaker 3:are you still in the hospital?
Speaker 2:so I had got went home. After about two or three weeks I was able to go home to my mom and she um was my home care.
Speaker 3:Take care yeah. Um and I forgot what I was talking about. No, she was mess. She messaged you like on Facebook, right she? Reached out to you, the wife of the drunk driver.
Speaker 2:Yeah, once I had been home, shortly after that she had contacted me on Facebook Messenger the wife and told me to not press charges that they have a little baby that has health problems. And at first I was pissed off because I'm like why are you contacting me, telling me not to do things you know, and your husband just ruined my leg and life probably?
Speaker 3:right and he wasn't a citizen.
Speaker 2:Right like no car insurance yeah, so they have the liability, okay, but, um, my insurance kicked in with the underinsured coverage because my bills were a lot. Oh yeah, and medical.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what happened to him?
Speaker 2:So he went to court for a few months after and the prosecutor had came over and he wanted me to go to court so they could prosecute him to be deported, to be deported. But I did end up talking to his wife and found out that he takes care of his family and I'm not God, so I'm nobody to judge him for his mistakes, although it did affect me. But I just chose to let it change me for the better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's something that really could torment a person for the rest of their life. They could. Instead of just being frustrated with the situation or struggling to accept the situation, you're instead filling yourself with poison, with resentment Right and I've seen that happen which is a natural human thing. Like someone hurts you.
Speaker 3:You're just like oh, I want to hurt you back, filling yourself with poison, with resentment. Right, and I've seen that happen. Yeah, like someone hurt you, you're just like oh I want to get you back yeah, and it's like you are just on another level so there's a wisdom in you that obviously knew better yeah, and like the first time around, it felt like that and it was just more easy.
Speaker 2:You know it, I was angry, but it was easier to get past the anger once I was open to listening instead of just being so quick to respond. I chose well, I guess I didn't even respond, I was reacting. So I chose to sit back and listen and try to respond, versus what I was doing before, because I didn't like the outcome it was giving me, not only because, like, I don't like to make people feel bad either, you know, even if there's a bad situation and I didn't like how being pissed off or mad was making me feel inside, I felt disgusting.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I started, you know um, after the court got settled. He had to go to jail for two months, but he was able to stay here with his family and he actually takes very good care of them. So the talked um like a while back you still talk. You talk to him, the guy that hit you with the car, yeah, periodically um, we will check in and just say you know, hey, hope you're doing well or happy holidays that blows my mind because I'm still like I'm good yeah, he actually called me for a ride once and I gave him a ride.
Speaker 2:He got pulled over because he was not supposed to be tracking me. Oh, wow, my goodness because he gave his friend a ride or something. And I was like, okay, yeah, I'll go. But I was like when I pulled up and the cops like just looked at me, I was sitting there like I hope they don't come and talk to me Like who are you? You know the girl he hit.
Speaker 1:What's your relation? The reason he shouldn't be driving the reason he should.
Speaker 2:Yeah, wow so. Luckily they didn't talk to me and he was able to just go home, wow so.
Speaker 1:I just feel like we need to slow this down a little bit right here, because that is something that most people would not do at all. Most people wouldn't give them the space of understanding, of curiosity, like you did. Like what's going on with this guy? Does he have a family? Is he really a good person? And he made a mistake, right? And these are all things that it sounds like you were already wired up to do, and I think, in my experience, most people aren't.
Speaker 2:And I think that's the reason we wanted to start with the roots, where you came from, and the struggle before Because our struggle as kids it shapes us into who we are as adults and go ahead really quick, yeah, honestly, growing up watching like, like seeing how my mom, like losing a dad, had at such a young age and then seeing her mom, you know, just become so hurt from losing her husband, and then just seeing how they chose to move on in life instead of you know it could have been a lot worse and also you yeah, like you guys, I've always been an observer and so I've always paid attention to how people because I am an empath Like I can get people's feelings.
Speaker 2:So like when I was little I would pay attention, you know, and then I would see how you guys would overcome it. So that also did help me.
Speaker 3:Do you feel like some of it like with you, with you not having like a dad in your growing up years, like you don't want to be that person that takes a dad away from, like you know that little kid like there was probably a lot of that too like well, I don't want to be the person that does that. Like I know what it feels like to not have like the dad in this.
Speaker 2:You know, in all of these different circumstances and that's got to be hard I would feel like that would probably be some, you know yeah, and like, at the end of the day, I don't want to break a family because he made a mistake, but obviously he's chose to move on in a more positive way. It's amazing, oh sorry, no, go ahead.
Speaker 1:I was just gonna say that it's amazing that he felt comfortable calling you after being pulled over by the police for driving you illegally, and he knew that you wouldn't judge him. You would respond with kindness. That, to me, is amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the first time he messaged me it was like July and he's like can I call you? And I was like Mom mom guess who messaged me. I'm like what do I say? Yeah she's like are you gonna call him? I was like I guess. I was like this is weird. I'm like, hold on, I'm gonna go take a shower or something because I'm freaking out, yeah.
Speaker 1:And then was your family giving a lot of negativity type of feeling towards him at that moment, or what was there To be?
Speaker 2:honest, we were like in California.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So we were on a trip by the pool.
Speaker 1:So it was good timing and I was like well, look at the sunset.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but honestly, we had talked and he asked me you know what happened? Because he just heard I was injured. But he didn't know exactly what happened. So he asked and I kind of told him and he said he was very sorry and like he obviously didn't feel okay or right knowing that he messed up somebody's life. Um, and he did. Let me know that if I need anything that I can message him and his family and they'll do their best to help me. Um, but the day that I gave him a ride he did say he's like it's so crazy Cause I couldn't think of anybody to call.
Speaker 2:But, then I just thought, you know, I'll just try you to call wow.
Speaker 3:But then I just thought, you know, I'll just try you, and I well like, I guess, yeah, god, yeah I. I mean, oh, wow, that I am not there, I am on a lower level than you, clearly because it, like hearing it, irritates me, like I'm like he must have had a head injury. But he in fact did have a head injury. Yeah, he flew out of his windshield. He actually has a a brain bleed currently currently.
Speaker 1:You thought he was dead when at the accident right because he was laying outside of his car yeah, through the front windshield, waist up, it was on the hood, just through the windshield.
Speaker 2:And so when the ambulance came, the first one took him, which I was like, yeah, dude, because at least I know what's going on, you know, and then we had seen a car seat, um, that came out of his car, but luckily he didn't have any of his kids with him.
Speaker 2:But there was people that were searching because we didn't know right but luckily and luckily I was by myself, because usually I was not I had my um spouse and luckily that day I was by myself and so was he, because we both made it out. Yeah, and although it's not something that I would imagine going through or want to go through, I'm glad it was me and not any of my family and, like I'm glad that I was able to come to this um term with him and the incident itself, I think what got hard for me um is round two of healing yeah because I was advised to have my hardware removed.
Speaker 2:And that decision of just going and saying yeah, like I trust you, and now I'm left with these issues that give me more problems than I had initially, it made me have an issue trusting my decisions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's probably one of the most painful day-to-day things. Right, like I can relate. As far as my situation, what I've gone through, I've tried to just force myself to get healthy. You know, I've done things out of just complete inability to really think through and understand what I was doing to try to get better, so, anyway, so as far as that goes, I relied too much on doctors as well and had some issues like poisoning my body, you know, and things like that. So day to day body, you know, and things like that. So day to day, trusting, you know, the impulses that I'm having, trusting the pain is real, trusting that I'm actually in this position, trusting my mind, really, when it comes down to it, um, was something that I had to work to get back and reestablish. But, um, before we get into all of that with you, let's go back a little bit.
Speaker 2:so you healed up completely, your leg was healed up and you were walking well without crutches she still had a yeah, I still had a cane, but my leg would just give out on me and my knee was a little sore. But and they said my foot would move, I walk normal and he's like you know. The only thing that I can advise is getting the hardware removed, because obviously that's going to be the first cause which I understood. But um, unfortunately, the things that I was left with are uncommon, and so it's like they cut some nerves maybe as they were removing it.
Speaker 2:And the more I dove into it. The peripheral nerve damage can be caused by numerous traumas to the body. So it's like the accident itself the trauma of the first reconstructive surgery, then the trauma of the removal first reconstructive surgery than the trauma of the removal. So that too could have caused it, but I blame myself for not doing research and not looking up what the outcome could be as well.
Speaker 3:It's so hard to know though, like because, like we said, we grew up to trust doctors. Like we don't know, know, we didn't go to medical school, so it's like will that help? Okay, so, and me?
Speaker 2:I was like you reconstructed my leg, you can do anything right because I was like that thing was messed up yeah which I'm not blaming him, because I don't think he necessarily obviously mean meant for this to happen.
Speaker 2:You know, it's just frustrating the way that it was handled because when my surgery went good and my healing was going great, they wanted me to go in every two to four weeks, calling me. But as soon as they found out like my leg was not moving after eight weeks, um, I went in. He told me to go get a nerve conduction. I said no schedule, we'll call you. That was December, so a February of the next year. I called and I was like my leg still does not move, so what do I do? And he's like oh, why don't you come in?
Speaker 2:that was the first time I met with the surgeon he didn't even see me at my post-op visit he said his PA and that was not in the surgery, and he made it clear to me that he wasn't in there. So I'm just like why are you in my appointment then? You know? Yeah so it's just like the way things were handled just kind of irritated me the medical system really isn't shining at its best right now.
Speaker 1:It's really there's fractures all over. There's issues that are coming up that me and you you know people that deal with chronic stuff really know about that.
Speaker 1:maybe it's important for other people to learn about, and it's over over specialization with doctors and I think there's an arrogance throughout all the medicine right now that makes every person in every specialty feel that they have the answer and they'll try to convince you they have the answer. But in reality there's way too much influence from pharmaceutical you know, big pharma and insurance companies and not enough time to really focus on each individual.
Speaker 2:So it's just, it's a mess and you sounds like had to suffer some of that and I think it is harder for the doctors that are like get patients kind of like us, that are more like willing to do the work yeah because then it's like why are we not seeing results? And like why was I able to do so much more? Yeah, and it just it's like why are we not seeing results? And like why was I able to do so much more?
Speaker 1:And it just it's hard to accept, it is 100% hard to accept and it's an everyday thing, right?
Speaker 1:And that's where the trust aspect is such a vital piece.
Speaker 1:Because if we trust in the basic goodness of life, if we trust that, even though we're in the situation, that it is for good, it's for our good, it's maybe for the good of the people around us, and if we trust that the will of God is that we are in this moment, here, together, in the way that we're together, you know, in the bodies that we're in, because that's what I believe, that reality as it is is God's will.
Speaker 1:And these are all big aspects of trust that take a lot of work, I feel like, for people like you and me to, on a daily basis, to re-engage with and to even look at, because I've, you know, just sat back and tried to hide, you know, for a lot of time. And as far as trying to get better, it gets so frustrating because I got to the point myself that I just realized that this is a lot of what I'm dealing with is permanent damage and that I probably won't get better, and then my doctors told me that I won't get back to more than 50% of what I was, and that, for me, was a gut punch and still, even as I tell you, I feel it like a gut punch in my stomach, like it's. It's a painful, painful reality that I live with daily. You know, not the same kind of limitations that that you're talking about, but, um, I think.
Speaker 1:It's like you have to mourn exactly what you were able to do yeah, or who you even wanted to be and who who you plan to be yeah, because it's all changed it sucks when your plans don't go your way, but I think this gave us the opportunity to see God's way.
Speaker 2:You know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, there's a quote that just came to mind Life is what happens while you are making plans. You know that's one way to say it. There's so many good quotes about that.
Speaker 2:We all have an idea of how life should turn out, but, like you said, god shows us really how it's meant to turn out and what we're meant to turn into and I think the unfortunate stuff that we've like gone through to get to where we are today, to continuously kind of feel like it's a task to get up, you know, and yeah it's not like your regular task. It's painful, it's hard, it's discouraging. So when you do get over that hurdle and you, you know you get dressed for the day. No, that's enough.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, you know, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm like, even if that's all you do for that day. That's what I'm trying to learn, because I always like expect so much of myself yeah. I'm like if you see, my office. I have, like you know what, I'm not running a mile and I'm not running a store, or I'm not running a salon, or things did not work out like I wanted them to and I'm not walking how I want to be, but you know, I feel proud to be so close to graduating yeah and I feel proud to be able to let a situation or pain shape me instead of break me yeah, exactly because, even though the days that I wake up and I'm like, what am I doing this, you know?
Speaker 2:I'm like, can I do this anymore? And I'm just being honest, yeah. But then days like today, I'm like, oh see, that was no jiffy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I do know the it's yeah and the trusting too comes into play in the day-to-day life, because we got a trust that we'll have the energy we need to show up as our best selves and that energy isn't like the normal kind of energy. I think the energy that helps us show up despite pain and struggle is is on a higher level of energy, and if we're not able to maintain that on a day-to-day and wake up, you know, with the routine of like, this is how I maintain that awareness or vibration that you've mentioned before in the past then then I just the despair, the pity, you know, it just overtakes me. So what do you do on a daily basis to to deal with that?
Speaker 2:um, I pray, I was doing really good on meditating and stuff. I've been slacking, but, um, realistically, meditation and prayer helps me the most because sometimes when I get like overworked or just mad at my pain or I don't want to sit with myself, I'm like mad at myself, I guess, because I'm like why is it so hard for you to get back to what you were? Yeah, like you know, so I just when I meditate. It gives me the chance to approach myself in a different manner.
Speaker 2:That's not so erratic yeah um, and that helps me kind of recenter and literally your diagram that you shared, yeah. I think of that a lot thank you for bringing that up.
Speaker 1:It's an important thing that it seems like it's catching on with a lot of people. Thomas mcconkey is the one that introduced it to me and he actually just presented it to, uh, thousands of people at restore the conference that they do in salt lake, where they bring like-minded people into to talk about these important things that help us maintain a life, despite the nature of it, the tragedy of it, and the diagram that I'll try to explain maybe, just so everybody understands it. It's called the Pythagoras tree or the tree of life and basically, if you can imagine, just as sensory input comes into our body, they represent it with a block and two blocks coming off of it, just a diagonal, and that sensory input then is just taking through our higher level of understanding and through our emotions, and so it's extrapolated and expounded upon and we make meaning from it. And this diagram it's from the neuroscience magazine. I'm not sure when it was published, but it's an actual neurologic representation of how our minds process information as it's taken in through our bodies and through our sense gates and by the time it gets up into our prefrontal cortex.
Speaker 1:We're so intelligent and so able to make meaning of things. We make meaning on meaning and meaning on meaning, and then we get stuck in the leaves, never coming down and feeling the emotions and dropping back down into just the sensory input level of life, which is where a lot of that abundance that we're talking about, that source of abundance that helps us through the unimaginable, that's, that's how we re engage with that. That's how we re-engage with that. So if you're chronically in pain, then your mind does what it does and it just tries to get out of it, it tries to resolve it and it gets stuck up in the leaves trying to make meaning on meaning, like it's because I'm doing this.
Speaker 1:If I just tweaked this, then I would be able to do this and then I'd be able to heal myself right, and new age ideas that we can heal ourselves also complicate that and make us believe even that we're more able than we are to change the circumstances of life, and that gets us farther away from that acceptance that helps us drop into that.
Speaker 1:Being single is a way to say it, and it's that diagram has helped me a lot as well. I'm just understanding that okay, I'm in the leaves right now and having that picture of okay, what I need to do is just drop into my senses, and when I do that it brings me to the moment, and when I'm not obsessively worrying about not having enough energy to deal with life in the future and depressed about the events that led me to this point, that have crippled me you know the depressed feelings of the past and if I can just center myself in the still point of the now, then it's lifted right and that's when cannabis for me is really, really effective. Cannabis without meditation for me isn't very effective at all. So anyway, that's something we also have in common is cannabis, and I don't know if you feel comfortable talking about that.
Speaker 2:I feel I don't mind, I'm like I'm not very open about it.
Speaker 1:You're not. I didn't mean to skip over this.
Speaker 2:No, it's okay, I'm like Grandma, I'm a pod, okay, sorry skip over this.
Speaker 3:No, it's okay. Oh, my grandma, I'm a pothead. Okay, sorry, not really it's medicine. It's medicine not good for you. Like you can't, your body can't process and they make you super sick I am the same way and the thc.
Speaker 2:I use a cartilage. It's electric. A couple hits and then I'm able to eat. I'm able to sit down with that because my tendons are hardening in my way. So a lot of the time like I can't sit like yeah like right now I'm sitting here worried about you, but then I have my hit that wants me to sit yeah so then it's just like this tension that I mean.
Speaker 1:It makes me feel like I'm going crazy it's like agitation that goes throughout your whole body, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to handle this. And so when I get in that erratic state of mind it kind of helps me tone down, but not mentally. It's my body, I can feel my muscles and stuff literally just relax a little bit, you know yeah and I'm not sitting there to get super stone out of my mind. You know I'm like one, two hits, I'm fine, and that does not make me feel like I don't know what's going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like the medication you know that I was first given. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, and let me speak for my mom. When I feel like you guys are like, oh no, she's going to judge me. She wants you to be okay, so she's not going to judge you.
Speaker 2:And I understand that she is like You're not a pothead either.
Speaker 1:I know they do that for recreation right, either they do that for recreation, like you guys are just trying to survive, like there's a difference.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's, that's part of the trust right and the the shame that can come in right, but I do like, how you mentioned, um, to involve meditation, because it's not just that I hit this and I'm okay. Now I feel, no, yeah, you still feel, you know, uneasy, and you have to go back to self to get back to that neutral feeling. Because, for me, I unfortunately tend to often get too overworked and like overstimulated, because I do try to do too much but it's because I don't feel like I'm doing enough physically, you know so when I see like oh, you just passed off a course.
Speaker 2:My client just messaged me that they're happy like you know what I mean. I'm like okay, that makes me feel good. Yeah, so luckily for me, school and design has helped me it's kind of like medicine too for you and she.
Speaker 1:She created this logo. Everybody, check that out, legit, you can see it on.
Speaker 3:You know it's, it's our logo yeah on instagram here, but all over we're gonna do more things with it, just we're still getting started.
Speaker 1:She's an incredible artist and I think it's a good example of how we can use the struggle as an artistic outlet, and you found some traction with that you have natural talent.
Speaker 2:Because I never heard of graphic design. I obviously knew what a logo and stuff was but I never really thought of like what goes behind making it. And I was, I had gotten a caseworker to kind of help me um with my mental health and things like that yeah and she told me you know like you need to figure out what you want to do.
Speaker 2:I called her and I was like, okay, take me off your. I'm not going to be pressured on what to do with my life. This is not helping me, don't contact me. And she's like calm down, it's a bad day, you know. She's like I completely understand and I said a prayer and I'm like God, I just need help knowing which direction to go and I will gladly do my part.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I woke up the next day and I was on Facebook and I seen a graphic design and what made me interested is um, I'm finishing a book and so can't wait. That um book got me into learning how to publish it myself and, like you know, getting it tied up.
Speaker 1:And then I started learning logo marketing and realized that I love doing that too yeah and I think that's just a stepping stone to kind of get me to where I'm going yeah, I see it as you're on an amazing journey and these things understanding the value of symbols is kind of what you're about right now and for me, that's been a huge move in a direction of healing, because I think it's our, you know, more subtle faculties that are able to sense and be aware of symbols, and that's how I think we get some of the food that our soul needs as far as moving forward and and having the nourishment we need to make the next step.
Speaker 1:So all of those things I think are going to support who you're becoming, and I think you know everybody that's listening, everybody should be paying attention because it's going to be good and I think the moments that are tough will come, but it's clear that you're a force for good and you're already a light. That is undeniable. So thank you for that and I hope that we can continue talking and maybe next time we could talk about the hardest days and how you deal with those. But maybe today this is a good place to stop, unless you have something else to add.
Speaker 3:Well, last thing I just think is important you were talking about your nails in the salon. Like that had to be changed, like you pivoted Well, so not like, oh, my dreams are out the door, but then you're like, ok, I can't sit anymore because of pain. Like you can stand, like you had to shift, and I thought you did that so well. And now you, like you just said, into design and this creativity, which is like just your outlook, I guess. So it's inspiring to me because I'm going to cry it's fine, like I have certain, like we all have these plans Right and so to being open.
Speaker 3:But, like I said, like you've dealt with so much hard that I even I'm like your older aunt, like I still get so inspired because I'm like, oh, my gosh, and I think my life's hard, I just got out of bed easily, I just went for a walk easily, I went up those two stairs easily, and then I see you and like just the little struggles you do, with a smile on your face, but you can stay hopeful and like I'm just excited for you because it, just like I said, it inspires me and I think it will inspire so many others because you know we aren't alone in this pain and yeah we're so grateful to know you and thank you for coming on you guys being with us to be related.
Speaker 3:I love you guys and I appreciate you well. Thank you, of course, and we're gonna have Ron just all the time because I love her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and she's fabulous. Yeah, we're gonna work together for a long time, definitely yeah thanks for listening thank you.