Nursing U's Podcast
Nursing U is a podcast co-hosted by Julie and Caleb. We embark on an educational journey to redefine nursing within the modern healthcare landscape.
Our mission is to foster an open and collaborative environment where learning knows no bounds, and every topic—no matter how taboo—is explored with depth and sincerity. We delve into the essence of nursing, examining the intimate and often complex relationships between nurses and their patients amidst suffering and death.
Through our discussions, we aim to highlight the psychological impacts of nursing and caregiving, not only on the caregivers themselves but also on the healthcare system at large.
Our goal is to spark conversations that pave the way for healing and innovation in healthcare, ensuring the well-being of future generations.
'Nursing U' serves as a platform for examining the state of modern civilization through the lens of nursing, tackling issues that range from violence, drugs, and sex to family, compassion and love. We will utilize philosophy, religion and science to provide context and deeper understanding to the topics we tackle.
By seamlessly weaving humor with seriousness, we create a unique tapestry of learning, drawing wisdom from the experiences of elders and the unique challenges faced in nursing today.
Join us at 'Nursing U,' where we cultivate a community eager to explore the transformative power of nursing, education, and conversation in shaping a more whole and healthier world."
Disclaimer:
The hosts of 'Nursing U', Julie Reif and Caleb Schraeder are registered nurses; however, the content provided in this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. Nothing shared on this podcast should be considered medical advice nor should it be used to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or health concerns. The views expressed on this podcast are personal opinions and do not represent the views of our employers or our professional licensing bodies.
Nursing U's Podcast
Ep #020 PT 1 - Trading Scrubs for Solitude: A Nurse's Journey from ICU to Adventure
Ever wondered what it's like to trade a traditional career for an adventurous life on the road? Meet Renee, a remarkable nurse with nearly two decades of experience, who swapped her scrubs for a school bus turned home. Join us as we sit down with Renee to explore her unconventional journey from an ICU in Kansas City to the stunning landscapes of America's national parks. Her path is sprinkled with serendipitous encounters and humorous misunderstandings that have led her to a life of freedom and fulfillment. Through her story, we celebrate the courage it takes to redefine what a nursing career can look like and the unique paths that passion can carve.
Renee’s career is a testament to the resilience and adaptability inherent in the nursing profession. We journey through her nurturing beginnings, including the nurturing hands that guided her through labor and delivery, and the intense yet rewarding environment of the ICU. Learn about the pivotal role of a great preceptor and the invaluable lessons she gathered along her journey from labor and delivery to becoming a house supervisor. Her story underscores the versatility required in nursing and highlights the significance of community and support in professional growth.
In a world turned upside down by a pandemic, Renee embraced the chaos as a traveling nurse, living through unimaginable challenges and unexpected adventures. From surviving blizzards in a school bus to facing the harsh realities of a COVID-19 unit, Renee’s experiences reveal the grit and camaraderie that sustain healthcare workers. Beyond the hospital walls, nature and adventure became her solace, offering healing and self-discovery. We invite you to engage with us in redefining nursing and inspiring positive change as we wrap up this episode, encouraging a continuous dialogue about the evolving landscape of healthcare.
Hi, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2:And I'm Caleb. Welcome to Nursing U, the podcast where we redefine nursing in today's healthcare landscape. Join Julie and I as we step outside the box on an unconventional healing journey.
Speaker 1:Together, we're diving deep into the heart of nursing, exploring the intricate relationships between caregivers and patients with sincerity and depth.
Speaker 2:Our mission is to create an open and collaborative experience where learning is expansive and fun.
Speaker 1:From the psychological impacts of nursing to the larger implications on the healthcare system. We're sparking conversations that lead to healing and innovation.
Speaker 2:We have serious experience and we won't pull our punches. But we'll also weave in some humor along the way, because we all know laughter is often the best medicine.
Speaker 1:It is, and we won't shy away from any topic, taboo or not, from violence and drugs to family and love, we're tackling it all.
Speaker 2:Our nursing knowledge is our base, but we will be bringing insights from philosophy, religion, science and art to deepen our understanding of the human experience.
Speaker 1:So, whether you're a nurse, a healthcare professional or just someone curious about the world of caregiving, this podcast is for you.
Speaker 2:One last thing, a quick disclaimer before we dive in. While we're both registered nurses, nothing we discuss here should be taken as medical advice. Always consult with your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider for any medical concerns you may have. The views expressed here are our own and don't necessarily reflect those of our employers or licensing bodies.
Speaker 1:So let's get started on this journey together. Welcome to Nursing U, where every conversation leads to a healthier world.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:Here we are Little different scenery, we're just switching it up and that's fine, as we do as we do as we do, and it's fine and everything works out. So today is fun because we have a guest that I've been anticipating for a while because we've been in talks, and her name is Renee and she's a nurse. She's been a nurse for almost 20 years and I worked with her for some time and honestly, I can't we were just talking about this that my career at the place that I worked for 26 years is somewhat of a blur. So I don't. It's hard for me to like pinpoint time of like, oh yeah, she was there for 18 months or she was there for two years and it was this year and this is what I was doing and this is what my role was, because I did so many different roles that so it just all kind of is one. But she worked there for a couple of years and so during that time I would have been full-time ICU, so I would have been a full-time ICU, nights.
Speaker 1:I was a charge nurse and, again, we just intuitively pick our guests as we're thinking of them, because they're super amazing people that you, you know, you have a career of of decades. But you meet these like souls that just come in for short blips and you know we didn't ever do anything outside of work. You have the you. It's just amazing the feelings and the energy that it's exchanged when you meet these people and then you work with them and then they leave and they move on and they, they do their stuff. But I've actually been kind of following her since she left, because she left in a school bus that she had redone, which I was like that is so amazing. I like, oh my god, I'm so tied down and I have kids and I do that. But you know, that's like for me the ultimate, like just fucking go.
Speaker 1:So she did and she's done lots of things since then and now currently works um, which will get the details, but works in like a national park as a nurse, looking out in her her pictures on Facebook that she sees the mountains and like I got goosebumps. She's just she's in nature and like so grounded, and so I know that she's an amazing soul that we're going to get to know her nursing story and, um, the conversation is just going to be amazing. That's all I have to say. Awesome, let's bring her up. Yes, let's do it hello everybody hello yeah, welcome it's so good.
Speaker 3:It's so good to have you on thank you, what wonderful things you had to say. Um, I will tell you, you actually were one of my bosses when I was there. You were, you were not full-time nights, and I think you had just transitioned, so Did I work day shift?
Speaker 1:So I think I went to day shift in, like the wind, like the January-ish of 2018.
Speaker 3:Cause I worked day shift and I I did the working nights. And that's how I got to know you, because you were kind of jumping back and forth from the ICU and CCU okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So that's that silly role that they created. That was like a ICU, ccu ER, kind of like charge nurse. So I did okay, okay, yeah, good to know, yeah, but you started in CCU and then came over to ICU, right.
Speaker 3:Correct. Um, it's kind of a funny story because when I interviewed there in my background and everything where I had come from, ccu was, um, the same as MICU, the same as MICU, so medical ICU and cardiac ICU, that's what we called CCU. So when I it's kind of embarrassing almost when I interviewed for CCU and got hired for that, I thought I was walking into cardiac intensive care and so, of course, my first day of orientation it took me about two rooms to be like but where's your monitoring? Is that you don't?
Speaker 2:have it on the monitor.
Speaker 3:It took me that, you know, a few hours into that day to realize, and it was funny because it was with Christina.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it took me a bit to understand.
Speaker 3:I'm not, I'm in, and so Okay. Started my endeavor to get into the ICU from that point on.
Speaker 1:The actual job that you were interviewing you thought you were interviewing for. Yeah, because those two units is a whole different world, as we all know. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, good, I mean I had some gnarly situations in CCU. It was, it was no joke.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, no joke that unit Right.
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, in one of your last podcasts you would discuss the um the Hoyer lifts and how you saw one fall out. That was actually my patient. I had just given report to the night nurse and they went on to do their thing while I was still giving report about another patient.
Speaker 1:And when that happened, that's so crazy that that was your patient. Yeah, yeah, but you know, it's interesting too that things like that, that that happened in your nursing career, like there are things that I can like explicitly remember and I know Caleb can too, and they're different, like we can have both been there. Like you were there, clearly so was I, because I remember going into that room, but it's like a lot of the details are just again a blur, yeah, but I remember.
Speaker 3:I just thought yeah, it was no way. It was quite an ordeal because it was with one. One of the another nurse that was involved was a brand new nurse, and you know of course that's very scary and, yeah, the whole that was. It was an ordeal for sure.
Speaker 2:Yes, Wow, it's a nightmare. I have a. I have a nightmare that that wakes me up, that there's a patient on a gurney and they're around the corner from where I am, but I hear the gurney tipping over and the patient falling. And then I wake up. Oh, no. Falling out of a Hoyer lift, falling out of a gurney, like same thing. It's a nightmare situation.
Speaker 1:Any falling patient.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, wow, for sure. That's why one of the reasons, and that one of many reasons I liked icu's because we usually had pt. Yeah, yeah, you guys welcome because I'm not catching them.
Speaker 1:You know right and they usually weren't able to get out of bed or we could restrain them so they would not get out of bed. It was a lot more. It's really interesting because you know to be an ICU nurse it's like you have to. You have to have all that critical thinking, you have to have all that education, you have to have all of that intuition of anticipating things, all of that intuition of anticipating things. But yet there's got to be some kind of personality thing around it, because it's a bit it. We like the control. So it can feel chaotic. But and maybe I'm not speaking that right because I feel like maybe med surgeon nurses they develop their own sense of control with like six or seven patients. We really need to get a mid-surge nurse on here.
Speaker 3:So raise your hand.
Speaker 1:Anybody want to come?
Speaker 3:on Because we don't have a lot of experience with that.
Speaker 1:To me that's scary and I'm sure they think the same thing coming into an ICU, but to me, going out, I always felt so out of control. So maybe it's just you develop your own control in whatever environment you're in.
Speaker 3:I found that I mean, working in CCU was, um, you know, in between the whole ICU and the med surge kind of uh environment. Um, I've been house supervisor, you know, I've spent time out in med surge and then in some of my travel assignments, you know, you'd get floated out there and you're like, oh Lord, have mercy, I don't know how to do seven patients, you know. But, um, I think for an ICU nurse in that environment is that you simply just don't have the time or resource to do the things for the patients that you you see that need to be done. You just you can't. It's just not an option so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we talked about that in another podcast out. We were talking about like our best days of nursing and when Caleb asked me about it, I couldn't really think of like a patient interaction that was. I was like, oh, that was amazing. My, my choice was more, you know, helping the other nurses, because that that fulfilled me. I could get a sense of completion out of that and part of it, like I was said kind of it just patient care let me down and that was one of the reasons because you feel, I never felt like I had enough time, I couldn't spend enough time doing the thing, so I always left unfulfilled and that was yeah, and to support that if I were to.
Speaker 3:You know, take a just a second and think about my my favorite or best day in nursing. It wasn't necessarily the the prettiest or the the the most you know desired outcome. It might've actually been an outcome that led to a, you know, a death or something like that, but it was. But it was always the times that I felt like I could give my all and give them everything they needed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Be there for them a hundred percent, you know, and for the families or you know, whatever the situation when you felt like you could really do our job well and do what we know how to do really really well.
Speaker 1:So yes, well, why don't you take us a little bit through kind of your career, what got you into nursing some places, you know types of nursing that you've done and then and then what you were doing now and kind of how you got there, if you want.
Speaker 3:Wow, what a journey it's been. You know, of course, when I, I had a some idea of kind of where we might start this and it takes you, takes you back. You know, I actually my career, I would say to go all the way back to um like 1985 and I was um pregnant with my first pregnancy and it was twins, and so it was in Kansas City and so at towards the end of the pregnancy, um, I went term, so that last like four to six weeks I was going to the hospital twice a day, twice a week, for testing, and so a relationship started building there with the nurses there and honestly, I mean, I was, I was a pretty simple girl, came from a pretty unstable background, home life and a poor community, things like that. It was my first interaction into quote, a professional environment, you know, and I just kind of sucked it all in and I was.
Speaker 3:I went to the residence I'm lacking the right verbiage there but so I got to know one of the residents that actually helped deliver the twins and then, and I ended up right back pregnant again, but I, you know I had three under two and that, at when I delivered, had the second pregnancy the resident that had delivered my first was actually the chief resident at that point, and so we just, you know, I had our personal number, and so the relationship just built that way and afterwards, um, those nurses and that doctor got me a job working at that hospital and so that's where it all started.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 3:I was a secretary and scrub tech and that hospital was downtown, had they implemented a two bed perinatal intensive care and I was just obsessed, I just, you know, they were just like. They're like get out of here. I'm like, no, I want to see, I want to, you know, and that's where it all started for me. So then, but I didn't, the circumstances weren't right, the correct motivation wasn't there to make it through nursing school until several years later. And several years later I actually found myself I call it a domestic engineer being a stay-at-home mom for 10 years. I found myself single with five little kids at home, and I thought, Lord, have mercy, what am I going?
Speaker 1:to do.
Speaker 3:It was natural to me to be like, okay, well, let me just head back to the hospital. So then I started working ICU as a secretary and I mean, I just knew that I wanted to be a nurse. I just knew that was the path for me and I'd always felt that way. And nurses and techs being Henriette as they are, they put me in a situation that was it kind of broke my heart at first, but then it actually was. It went ahead and pushed me forward in that they were like oh so you want to be a nurse, you think you're going to go to nursing school with five kids and you know, come on in. If you want to be a nurse, come on in with us.
Speaker 3:And they invited me into one of the foulest patients to date I'd been around and he was just a very angry, just nasty person and, like cruel to his wife, would spit on the floor. He was just and they're like here's, here's nursing. And they were, they were getting him off the commode and of course I was so unprepared for that and I was like almost vomiting. I had to leave the room and one of the nurses followed me into the break room and I cause I was in tears, cause I was really like I really want to be a nurse.
Speaker 3:And she was like, okay, I'm, I'm sorry, we shouldn't have done that. Let me show you a little trick. And she pulled out of her pocket a little bitty bottle of Vicks, mentholatum, vicks rub. You just pop that up there and you go on with your job. And she said here's how we do it. And I was just like okay. And so then they kind of just rallied around me a little bit and gave me the support. And that's where my journey started. I enrolled in school and away I went.
Speaker 3:So, um, that's where it all started for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Um, but after that, um, my last year I did a nurse extern and at this point I'm in Oklahoma. I did a nurse extern in labor and delivery because that was what I my love. That's honestly still. My only regret at this point in nursing is that I never found my way back to that.
Speaker 3:But, I did labor and delivery as an extern and there was a young lady that went into respiratory distress and it wasn't that the nurses were. They were great nurses. They just weren't really trained in that. This wasn't a high level, didn't have a perinatal intensive care, anything like that. They were really caught off guard. They didn't know. And I had also seen another situation where it was a critical situation with a mom, actually the they lost the mom and I just felt I didn't want to feel unprepared. So when I went to my clinicals in ICU at that point I made a decision you know what, let me go get that. Let me go get that ability and that skillset and then move, find my way back to labor and delivery. And so when I got out of nursing school I went right straight into ICU and kind of never really made my way back to labor and delivery. And so when I got out of nursing school I went right straight into ICU and kind of never really made my way back to labor and delivery.
Speaker 2:Those ICU skills are invaluable, though.
Speaker 3:They are.
Speaker 2:If you start there, you can go anywhere and you're going to be valuable.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I, being a house supervisor, you know I was able to, you know, have a bird's eye view of all areas of the hospital and all units and stuff. And I would tell you know, because there would always be a little bit of contention, you know, you'd get called to a rapid and you'd be like, well, where's the patient's nurse, you know, and things like that. And so I saw a lot of that. You know. Push between those two areas, pushed between those two areas, and then when I started supervising all of it, I realized it's not a matter of these nurses are smarter than these nurses, it's that these nurses are trained this way and they're thinking and their skillset and what they can and cannot do. And these nurses over here are trained this way. It's just different. And I'm an ICU nurse. I consider myself very knowledgeable, a high, high skill set. And you throw me into med surge, with seven, eight patients, and I'm like oh God, totally I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know, how do you?
Speaker 3:guys do it. How do you?
Speaker 1:do it.
Speaker 3:You know so. But yeah, I'm definitely and I feel like so many things. I learned so many things through my career in ICU that I've applied throughout my entire life, not just work. So it gave me an opportunity to. I mean, I'm thankful all the time. I still remember my preceptor, everything my beginning mattered so much in how my career went. You know, and I think about that, you know, I've been an instructor and I think it matters so much where you land at first and the people that you are surrounded with make a huge difference in how your career is going to go. At least it did for me. And so I got great training. I had a great preceptor. She was so strong, no BS advocate, huge advocate for the patients, whether she had to push up against physicians, family, her boss, whatever she needed to do, she was a huge advocate for, you know, the patient and that's so. That's how that all started.
Speaker 3:And then I did three and a half years in that ICU and it was a teaching hospital and I mean, just again, just grateful and endless learning took place, Very intense tense learning. I was so in it all the medications they were on, how they were responding when their BM was. I mean, you had to know everything about your patient by the time the doctors decided it would come around and round because you were a very integral part of that team. So again, just massive learning of that team. So again, just massive learning.
Speaker 3:And after that I was still had two teenagers at home and I needed to not be working four and five, 12 hours and, and so I needed to personally make a bit of a change so that I could be what I needed to be those last few years of parenting those teenagers. So I took a house supervisor position at a rural hospital, thinking, lord, when am I, what am I done? And the first, um, the first couple of situations I think, oh well then, well, no, don't do that here oh, no, no you can't do that here.
Speaker 1:Oh, no, no.
Speaker 3:It took a little bit, but I was. I was impressed by this little rural hospital, you know, and they, if they did a good job with what the resources that they had and what they couldn't do, they were able, they were very, you know. They shipped them off and got them what they needed. So it was, it was fun. It was a fun, fun little job. But then that was like around 2010. And you know, the economy was starting to really get bad and I was exhausted, being a single woman with teenagers. I lived out in the country, I had horses, I had dogs and an ice storm came and going to work at 530 in the morning, driving it through the country roads, pitch dark, and almost ran into a downed live power line and I was like I'm, I'm done. And at the hospital they were, you know, eliminating everything to the point where the nurse was like take care of the patients, take out the trash, do the, you know. And I was like I.
Speaker 3:I had two sons that were in the military in Arizona. They're like mom, come down here, okay, I went from Oklahoma to the Phoenix area and I've pretty much been in and out of Phoenix ever since that area Went down there to do ICU and within a year all my kids had moved out. And I always said, as soon as all my kids move out, I'm out, I'm going to go see the world and you know people will be like you're brave, you're this, and I think I'm a little bit stupid and I do a lot of things, absolutely petrified, I don't know why I just do. And I thought, and I literally applied for I had three different options. I just started shooting my and you know with that kind of experience that my options at that point were endless. And I applied for cruise ships. I applied for a travel assignment in Australia because that had always been one of the places I've always wanted to go. And then I have this ridiculous adventure side that thought, hmm, let me. And I applied for Saudi Arabia and Dubai.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 3:All of them called me, and the by far the very best money, of course, is going to be Dubai. But at that time, bless her heart, my mom was always quite supportive of my adventurous side, but at that point she almost never said no. And that time she said no, you won't keep your mouth shut. You are thinking you're going to help and you're going to get yourself in trouble.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:I was like wow. Okay, so let me just go work on the cruise ships. That's what.
Speaker 1:I did, I could come.
Speaker 3:And I mean I literally will never forget that very first time I got to get off the I'd never traveled, done anything, never. I'd never been on a cruise ship, never. I didn't know I'm, for all I knew I was gonna, you know, puke my guts out on it. I didn't. And so the first time I got to get off the ship in the Virgin Islands, around Christmas, around my birthday, was just, you know, surreal. I'll never forget that moment. But I was also equally impressed with the fact that the nurses and doctors from all over the world are smart I mean we're, you know. It was also the first time in my little naive bubble in America that I realized, ooh, not everybody loves America, not everybody loves.
Speaker 3:Americans, and I was 100% a minority, but every ship I was on I was probably only one of not even five Americans ship. Every ship I was on, I was probably only one of not even five Americans. And so to learn and practice alongside of doctors and nurses from all over the world was an irreplaceable experience also wow, yeah, for sure no, and of course, if it, I you know people be like what did you do?
Speaker 3:well, we did. If it happens on land, it happens on sea too, and sometimes even worse, because they're drunk, they're you know, they're in a lack inhibition, they're on vacations, you know, they're just doing crazy stuff. Plus, they get motion sick, they get norovirus, they have lacerations, they have fractures, they have heart attacks, they have strokes, they have death, all of that wow, I don't even think about that ever.
Speaker 3:I've never even thought about that they have a full set, a full setup medical with ventilators and er and x-rays, and labs and boards on the cruise ships. Wow, wow yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So, um, what an experience. Now, you worked all the time. There was usually, I mean, like the ships I was on, there was five medical people and so and there was like four to 6,000 people per ship, so, and you ran a clinic for the crew and plus you ran a clinic on the opposite side of that for guests, for guests, and and, of course, I got to see Norway, I got to see Alaska, canada, went through the Panama canal multiple times, but I did it alone. You know, I didn't take my best friend, I didn't take my love of my life, I didn't take my kids. You know, it was just me.
Speaker 3:And so the job itself and the demand is, while they're, most of them are American owned companies, they're not run by Americans and the work ethic is incredibly different. The expectation is you would do whatever they ask and whenever they ask, whether it's your day off, whether it's two in the morning, whether you know. So there was, um, it was a, an irreplaceable adventure. I got to see amazing places, but I did. It was an irreplaceable adventure. I got to see amazing places, but I did it alone and I worked a lot.
Speaker 3:So after that, I jumped back into ER and did that for quite a while and then did a little bit of home health. Did you know? I'm just kind of in and out of that, just some of the flip flipping. The same roles again, house supervisor again I've never been. You know, whenever you said that I jumped off in the school bus and took off, I always want to tell specifically other women, but men too, if they see that I go and do crazy, crazy things with my career and I'm not afraid of a change. There's a reason why I have that capability and one of them is I'm perpetually single and that isn't always a wonderful thing.
Speaker 3:You know it's. You know, my picker was broke for many years and I made bad choices in relationships and I and I just finally just stopped choosing you know, and that doesn't.
Speaker 3:That comes with a cost my ability to disconnect and jump off to the next adventure. There's, there's, an underlying reason that I'm capable of doing that, and so and it's not necessarily a good thing, you know, it comes there's reasons for why I have that capability, you know, and we all figure out how to survive in the circumstances that we find ourselves in. Right, and that is so, you know. I mean, I get it. I remember being tied down to five kids and thinking, lord, have mercy, and somebody told me this is the best years of your life and I was like, tell me again, that's not true. And and yet, wait, of course, now I look back and think it was amazing being a mom. It was the still forever will be the best role I've ever had in my life. But yeah, so I can jump off and adventure off into stuff, but there's a reason, you know. There's a reason why I can um.
Speaker 2:I resonate with that yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So, um, let's see well, how do we bring it to date um, I, I did, um I was traveling in that bus and I did. And that bus was um Julie.
Speaker 3:You probably don't even know that, but when I started at that hospital we worked together at, I was probably the most emotionally broken I'd ever been oh and it was um, I had again in personal life had severely traumatized me and I was trying to put my pieces back together and the bus was a part, is a massive part of that healing in that Cause, literally I just went to work, worked, worked, worked, worked, worked and came home and worked on the bus, went back to work, made some more money, came home and went to work on the bus. It was an insane project that, of course, my family thought I literally lost my mind. My single mom, who doesn't even own a drill, just bought a 36-foot school bus and thinks she's going to turn it into her home and travel in it. But I did and it was so healing, it was great that's awesome, awesome.
Speaker 2:I mean that's my woodworking journey. That's. I did the exact same thing with the woodworking I was my day.
Speaker 3:I want, I just let me build things. Yeah, let me create things so.
Speaker 2:Have you? Did you listen to the episode where, where we kind of talked through how my my experiencing of death and suffering? When I found woodworking, it was exactly the opposite. I'm taking, I've got patients that, on the one hand, are alive, trying to die, and, on the other hand, and I'm standing over them, working with my hands right, taking care of them, and then when I'm woodworking, I'm taking care of something that's dead and giving it a new life and I'm standing over it working with my hands. It's the same job. It's just the opposite side, where it's going from a futile situation to actually building something that I can see with my eyes and I can touch and I can feel and it's. It's here, it's.
Speaker 2:There's a permanence to it the building actually like makes so much sense with the backdrop of nursing yeah, I agree absolutely.
Speaker 3:Um, anything that you can busy yourself with, that's that creating up instead of watching it demise is, is cathartic, it's healing and it it's it's doing something that is even on the smallest scale, is, is a positive and and let your mind rest and and and get fed that success versus, you know, brokenness, but um, so I hit the.
Speaker 3:I did hit the road in that and my first assignment was, um. It was hilarious. I never even heard of this place before and it was funny. One of the doctors we worked with at the time, um, was like seriously, that's my hometown. I was like you, somebody is actually from there. It's the littlest place ever in Nebraska and to this day I still have people that I treasure there. That it was. It was so to this. Literally the scariest thing ever is to get.
Speaker 3:It was for me to get in that bus and drive it to Nebraska and park and it was supposed to be um, I, I discussed that. I did some incredible insulation in that school bus, but the intention was literally never to be in a winter, a true winter, in it. And, um, I mean, I felt like, okay, I'm getting out of here fast enough. And um, the discussion during the interview for that actual job was when does the snow start? And he was like, not till at least January.
Speaker 3:Well, of course that didn't prove to be true and I lived in that school bus in the middle of nowhere in a little city RV park in an absolute blizzard and they were like begging me please don't go home, you're not going to make it back. I said I have to go home. I have two huge dogs that are living in a school bus. I am not going to leave them. What that would have looked like would have been disgusting. By the time I got back it's not happening, I'm going home. So, but it all worked out. It was crazy. I have video of me tracing literally through a blowing blizzard, trying to get to the door of the school bus because my car wouldn't make it all the way there. It was crazy, so I went from that to so you had a car and the school bus.
Speaker 3:I did yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, paulina, I actually did that on one assignment just to see if I could. I was like, can I just stay in your parking lot in my bus? And they're like, okay, sure, and I did it, but it was kind of cool. You know, you just walk out of work and your home's right there. But, it was too close. It was too close, I was like no let's go find a place to park the RV you know, bus or whatever.
Speaker 3:But so I went from that, from back to Kansas City for a bit, just for a layover regroup, and then I took an assignment in Tucson and so then I drove the and the neuro ICU that I got a job at, you know, ended up locked down into a COVID ICU and I did an assignment and then I thought, lord have you know, looking around the country and looking around the world we were living in at that point, I went ahead and did another assignment because I thought I don't want to step out of this and try to blend in. You know, because when you go to different places you have to. It takes time to find out where the bathroom and the gauze is Right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:So and and who, who is going to be accepting of you and you guys can work as a team and who you're going to just kind of let them hate you or whatever, just kind of let them hate you or whatever. And so I did two assignments there and of course it was brutal. You know everybody only other nurses that lived through it can actually, yeah, I would. I would try to get feedback from my, you know, like my grown children or or sisters or whatever. I was needing desperately for them to be like I understand what you're going through, but the truth is they didn't have that to give. They had no idea.
Speaker 1:Nobody does.
Speaker 3:Nobody had any idea. And so I was going to work and coming home to a school bus and then at one point, when I realized I was going to have to extend, it was going to be too hot and the place I was keeping it they had already gone back east for the summer. They're like move into our house, stay in our house while you're there. And so I did. I got to move into that house and so the existence was insanity. You know, you just go to work, come home. Go to work, come home. And I liken it to and I had two just, and they're still to this day my truest and bestest girlfriends that are also nurses, and we talk to each other daily and sometimes hourly, and sometimes I was the one sobbing and sometimes they were the one sobbing, and I mean, sometimes we were both sobbing, but it was just. You know, it was just so much death, you know, and so much. Nobody understood. The world didn't understand, the government didn't understand, the nurses, the doctors, everybody.
Speaker 3:That was the first time in my career that I felt like I had no bottom to stand on, because nobody really knew what the truth really was, what the right thing really was, what you know all of that. So I mean my conversations about COVID and crimes against humanity and all of that you know. Could we could talk for hours and hours and hours about that. But, um, you know, we one of your podcasts is about, you know, the, the, the dark shift, that that assignment was the last time I ever worked night shift. I was just like I'm just getting too old, I cannot do it anymore. How I got home repeatedly without dying and hurting somebody else, Literally, I don't know. I just it was, you know, by the grace of God, because, um, there was many times I got home I had no idea how.
Speaker 3:I got there, I know I'd slept the majority of the way home yeah, driving through mountains to get there and so, but literally going to work, you know, and I would have panic attacks there and just just I can't go, I can't get in there, I can't go in there, I can't get out of my car, I can't, you know, hyperventilate. You know you're like I can't keep doing this. There was no out, because leaving was not an option, because that meant I left my colleagues and I left those patients and I left the family members that I was holding the and spend their 30 minutes saying goodbye to grandma before she passed and then ushering that you know it was just, and yet it was. It was destroying and killing me and it. So the whole thing was just and and so that dark humor I'll never forget one day.
Speaker 3:Going to work on the phone with one of my girlfriends. Actually, I called her and I was like okay, my theme song is on and I want you to hear my theme song right now. And she's like what are you talking about? And so I just blared the radio and only nurses would understand this effed up humor. It was a foreigner. Another one bites the dust, laughter and I heard laughter effed up humor. It was foreigner. Another one bites the dust and I'm kind of layering in my car just so much emotion. Yeah, her, and I still look back on that time. I got a summer time. I called you when I played foreign. Another one bites the dust. You know what's wrong with me. But so, oh my, what's wrong with me. You know what's wrong with me.
Speaker 1:But so, oh my gosh, nothing's wrong with you, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's normal.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Abnormally normal.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that's our normal.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's our normal.
Speaker 3:Abnormalities. Yeah. So while I was doing that, I was actually also going to school to get my coaching certification. And so after that second assignment, I was like I cannot do this anymore, I cannot. And so I have to pass the baton. I'm not going to, I'm not going to emotionally survive this. I'm not going to be able to come back from this if I don't step away.
Speaker 3:So and some of my harebrained ideas? I thought, well, let me just start my company right in the middle of COVID. That's a good idea, because people have all kinds of money and time to decide what they're going to do with their future and what's keeping them from achieving their goals. And, of course, that didn't exactly work out. I still believe in 110% that whole process and coming alongside somebody and helping them find their roadblocks and finding their own truths and finding their own path. I love that. I love, love, love it.
Speaker 3:But that was not the time. So after a few months I thought you know what? Let me just take an assignment at this little hospital. This will be fine. It's just a little bitty hospital. Anything really, really sick is going to go.
Speaker 3:Well, that was just stupid on my part, because that's where, that's not where we were at as a country. Right, there was no. Well, we'll send them down here because they're more equipped. No, you took care of whatever walked through the door, whatever came through the door and that was of all, my time during as a COVID nurse was the most horrifying, for sure the most death. We had two patients in each ICU room, so we one person was taking care of four patients on NIMBACs, on tube feeding, on Versed, on you know all of it, prone unprone families, just all of it. And I mean I'm still kind of bonded to a few of those nurses because that was too dark to talk about, you know. So, and I've spent a great deal of time working my way past all that and dealing with what I saw happen to families and patients and all of that.
Speaker 3:So I did that assignment. Then I went to California, did an assignment, started. I actually started an assignment there. That's the only assignment I ever went, absolutely not. I cannot.
Speaker 3:I was so emotionally I wouldn't say I was emotionally unstable, but I no longer had the ability to give what a nurse has to give and and deny, not even deny, set aside, I guess, self to give care, and as often nurses have to do and I couldn't do it anymore and I found myself so angry and so I had no ability to be kind. I guess whenever and families were starting to come back in and they weren't acting right, the nurses were trying to figure out how to be professional again. So we weren't really acting right. And you know, during COVID it was a free was not because they were trans, but because they were a severe psych patient.
Speaker 3:That that cold, it was just the ugliest, difficult situation to be in and very, very sick individual and physically presented as a male and was screaming and defecating on the floor and and it was just and so many people outside of the hospital and outside of nursing don't understand sometimes this is what we actually deal with Not always, but this is a component to it and this individual, presented physically as a male and was screaming and demanding to be addressed differently and it just wasn't possible for any of us to grant that. It wasn't even that we weren't willing to. The try was there, but it was just impossible. When you're screaming at me and you are just acting, a fool in a deep voice and a shadow and male anatomy. It wasn't in our ability, specifically my ability to constantly use the right pronouns or the right address and at that point I was like I cannot, wherever we're headed as a society and as an environment within the hospital.
Speaker 3:I cannot do it anymore because I literally just wanted to say F you and punch him.
Speaker 3:You know, I and I and that's not who I am. I'm not like that. I've always been able, regardless if I agree with your lifestyle and the things you do and all of those things, I was always able to let my own personal belief be okay and stay in the car and give them what they needed, and I couldn't anymore and so that is the only assignment. I was just like I'm done and I'm one again. One of my best friends is like just you got to get through the shift, do not walk away from that. I said I cannot, cannot do, do this, I cannot. She's like make it through the shift, to make it through the shift. You know, no abandonment, none of that take your patience, see you walk away.
Speaker 3:So and I walked away and I got through the shift and I never went back to the hospital.
Speaker 1:After that I just knew well, you just didn't have, you weren't your whole self. Yeah, not, you weren't grounded anymore and my heart was just broken yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:so I ended up, which was the coolest thing. It's amazing how things turn out. I ended up becoming an instructor and a team lead of nurses who were instructors, and I could do it remotely, and so you probably see all pictures of that too, julie. I took a little 2010 Ford transit connect and I turned it into my home and me and my two massive dogs took off and I traveled nonstop for four solid months and it was the most it I need, I need, I had to. I I didn't even know how bad I needed it. I it was the most healing to be parked in the middle of nowhere, watching teaching students, lecturing, grading, testing. And yet I was literally in the middle of nowhere, living amongst hummingbirds and coyotes and incredible sunsets and wearing the same clothes, two or three days in a row and cooking on the back of my van for food, and it just it was so necessary. I literally went from Arizona to California, all the way across, up almost to the border in North Dakota, all the way back down, spent when it got hot. I spent a month and a half in Kansas City at a friend's, jumped back in the van, traveled through Arkansas, texas, new Mexico, excuse me and I ended up pretty healed back in Arizona. And one of the things I describe is you know what healed me the most? Two friends that knew and understood and felt the same angers and felt this, could understand when I was feeling so angry and so broken and so sad. They could totally so, constantly, hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of talking um to them and and nature.
Speaker 3:And nature for me is real, it's truthful, it's understandable. It's standing on a dirt road or a dirt trail, physically moving my body and working my body to climb things, to see things. And I say all the time, even if a bear killed me, it didn't do it out of militia, it didn't do it. Yeah, when I spend so much time in nature, it's probably at some point going to be to my demise, I would assume. I don't know. That's where I spend most of my time. I would much rather die out there than on a couch. And it's, it's real to me. It doesn't. If it, if it ever does hurt me, it's not because it meant to, it's just nature. It can be unpredictable, but yeah, I don't know, it's just different. Nature is different for me. That's where I get my, my healing, you know, and and that's where I find God.
Speaker 1:So you're amazing yeah, I mean really, what's that?
Speaker 2:I say you're amazing, oh no I'm a mess, I promise no we are, but you're amazing. You're an amazing person. I'm like you, have lived, and it's so awesome to hear all of this.
Speaker 1:It's just incredible, oh, inspiring it is inspiring and it's very, um, just the waves that go through your story are like that of trust and intuition, and trust in your own intuition. You may not have thought you were trusting yourself but you are, because when you make those decisions to leave and to start the engine and to put the gas and like drive away, that you have faced so much fear, like cross that threshold that holds so many of us back from doing the things that we think we can and maybe want to. Um, but it's like you've also used living as your healing. Yeah, you know like it's. We're all hurt, we all get hurt in situations and it hurts us and then it's our journey to heal through that and to remember who we really are.
Speaker 1:And you have chosen to actually take action on doing that healing you know a lot of us think we can get it from a book or saying mantras or just lying in your bed praying, and that may work for some people. But you know it, it all. It has much more impact if you can take those actionable steps and so it's all you know, like a a journey of healing. You can just see it throughout the moves that you've made and the choices that you've made to do.
Speaker 3:Well, and I think you're exactly hit the nail on the head when it comes to trying to heal whatever ails you, because nobody's coming through it without you. Know, we're all getting battered and scarred and hurt and broken, and so it does require an action on our own part to figure out where that answer and that healing is. And, like you said, that comes in different ways for different people. You find your healing, but you and that's one of the things I love about coaching too is it empowers a person to understand. You actually have it within you, yeah, to fight, figure it out if you'll just listen and and and go inward, and sometimes you have to just shut out everything around you to hear your own inner voice, but, um, it sounds like ooh, but it's really not, it's no, literally just getting quiet and and taking the time and then, and then you have to do, you have to push through with the action, and there's, let me tell you, julie, there's times that I got in that bus to drive that bus that it would.
Speaker 3:When I knew a travel time was coming, I had so much anxiety, so much what, if, what, if, what, if, what, if you know? And oh my gosh, what am I going to do and I can't afford. If a school bus breaks down, it's going to cost me $10,000. I don't have that. Just find a way to keep pushing through the fear and just keep one step, one step. Strap down another door, pack another, you know, check the oil, you know. One step at a time, just keep doing steps to move you towards the goal that you have set for yourself. You've got yours. You get there. You get there. And man getting behind the wheel and driving off. Sometimes it was like I may need to start investing in this little can of oxygen or something.
Speaker 3:You know, but, and I have I mean, I'm going'm gonna be 60 next month. I've pushed myself in that situation enough, I do. I have a lot more trust in myself. And so now that I've been able to push through that fear in so many situations, I, I do. I think too. I find myself thinking a lot, and it sounds so cliche. Um, when that's I mean I'm gonna paraphrase it horribly, I'm sure you know it's like well, what if this? Well, what if this? What if this doesn't work and this doesn't work? And then, but, oh my dear, what if it does?
Speaker 3:yeah, you know, and what if it does? And often, often, often, oftentimes it does, and if it doesn't, what? Okay, that's its own journey to an extreme, sometimes with wilderness and being out in the middle of and, and maybe it's because at this point in life, you know, in age and stuff, I'm like I, I want to, I mean, I have a goal in life to live, to be hundreds, you know, but if that's not what's meant to be, then it's just not, you know.
Speaker 2:Right, we hope you've enjoyed this week's episode.
Speaker 1:Remember, the conversation doesn't end here.
Speaker 2:Keep the dialogue going by connecting with us on social media posted in the links below or by visiting our website.
Speaker 1:Together, let's continue to redefine nursing and shape a brighter future for those we care for. Until next time, take care, stay curious and keep nurturing those connections.
Speaker 2:Don't forget to be kind to yourself.