INTERNALISED HOMOPHOBIA:
Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men.
In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face.
But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as an ally.
This episode marks the first look at a subject that does affect gay men. I would say probably all gay men. I would also say that it is the basis of virtually every issue that my clients work through in my life coaching sessions.
That of internalised homophobia!
We will look at a definition of internalised homophobia and examine how to recognise it. The next episode will be focusing on how life coaching can empower gay men to deal with it.
But what is internalised homophobia and how does it show itself in gay men?
One definition is:
‘Internalised homophobia refers to the involuntary belief by gay men that the negative stereotypes, myths, and misconceptions about them held by the larger society are true. This occurs when gay men internalize societal prejudices and biases.
It is worth stating that internalised homophobia can affect all members of the LGBTQ+ community regardless of gender. But this podcast focuses solely on gay men.
A simpler definition, maybe more grounded, is that internalised homophobia is when we as gay men believe all the crap things that society can say about us and make that part of us by internalising it. We allow the prejudices and attitudes it has and we make it part of us. Instead of rejecting those things we actually start to believe them. But there is good news! Beliefs are just opinions and not facts and Life Coaching can challenge those beliefs and replace them with empowering ones.
So, how does internalised homophobia show itself?
I’ve listed eight ways that we can recognise internalised homophobia but these only skim the surface. I am sure you will be able to list others.
As I read them out, maybe count how many times you recognise them in your own life or put your hand up. I’ll comment briefly at the end of each category and say how I recognise that as being, or having been, part of my own life.
I’ve written eight categories and there are eighteen examples.
The first is:
1) Negative Self-Perception:
This means Feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment about one's sexual orientation.
Or Low self-esteem and a negative self-image related to being gay.
I put my hand up immediately regarding this.
Feelings of ‘shame’ guilt or embarrassment’. When I was much younger, I would have done anything not to have been gay. I was ashamed. I even asked a girlfriend to marry me when I was 18. Thankfully she said no. I would have done anything to be part of the ‘normal world.’ I’m glad she said no. She later came out as a lesbian and has been married to her wife for years and has two wonderful children.
Low self-esteem and a negative self-image. My hand goes up again.
Eleanor Roosevelt said:
‘Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent’ and that is exactly what internalised homophobia is. We are the ones who allow it. That’s why it is so dangerous.
2) Denial and Concealment:
This means Hiding one's sexual orientation.
Or avoiding gay male social circles or events to prevent being identified as ‘part of the community’.
And denying or suppressing one's own sexual feelings or attractions.
I taught for over thirty years and hid my sexual orientation for much of that. Then, I was ‘outed’ when a huge bouquet of flowers arrived at my school. So many questions from the female staff.
So, I came out to one colleague at a time but in all those years just to one set of parents. Nowadays, in most western countries, teachers can live an authentic life. A lot has changed but there is still a lot to be achieved.
3) Self-Hate and Self-Destructive Behaviors:
Includes Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse or risky sexual behavior.
As well as Internalized beliefs that one deserves to be mistreated or marginalized.
Yup, I put my hand up again.
Gay men are more likely to use different substances as self-medication to numb themselves. And I have been guilty of that too. Sometimes being legless was an easier way of living than being sober. It took a long time to work through that.
And I believed as well that I deserved to be mistreated in relationships. I didn’t set boundaries. I accepted behaviour from past partners that I wouldn’t tolerate nowadays.
4) Mental Health Issues:
Again, unfortunately, mental health issues manifest themselves more within the male gay community than its straight counterpart. That’s why it is so important that internalised homophobia should be challenged.
Mental health issues show themselves by higher levels of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts as well as Chronic stress and emotional distress related to one's identity.
My hand goes up again! Anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. If you believe you are not worthy because you’re gay then what’s the point? That’s what so many gay men believe. That’s why we have to challenge these thoughts and I know that life coaching has helped me through these areas.
Too many gay men have taken their lives. Too many victims of internalised homophobia but it doesn’t have to be like that.
5) Difficulties in relationships:
This can include difficulty forming or maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships.
As well as a Fear of intimacy and vulnerability with partners due to fear of rejection or judgment.
And Sabotaging relationships out of fear or insecurity.
Again, I put my hand up. I’ve already said that I wouldn’t tolerate behaviours in a relationship that I had done in the past. I sought acceptance from one significant other by what I thought was compromise but it wasn’t – it was submission. It wouldn’t happen again.
Some gay men deliberately sabotage their relationships. The very thing that should give them happiness and fulfilment is sabotaged. It doesn’t make sense does it? Yet, one man I know showed internalised homophobia to an extreme. He didn’t hate being gay. That wasn’t an issue but he had a core belief that he would never be happy. Then he built a whole system of supporting beliefs that reinforced that. He was literally looking for reasons to get out of a relationship. All of this was due to internalised homophobia.
6) Projection and Discrimination:
This means Projecting internalized negativity onto others, sometimes resulting in homophobic attitudes towards other gay men as well as Discriminating against or judging other gay men.
Again, my hand goes up. Or maybe not as high as in the other categories. I spent so many years trying to be a ‘straight gay man.’ A friend described my ex and I as the most bourgeois gay couple she knew because we acted so ‘normally.’
So, as a result, I judged others – particularly more effeminate gay men or those who we used to call Muscle Marys. I used to shun and even comment on those people.
The funny thing is that a colleague told me that I hadn’t fooled anyone by trying to be ‘straight acting.’ If only I’d known.
7) Avoidance and Isolation:
This can be Isolating oneself from friends, family, or social activities to avoid potential rejection or judgment and avoiding seeking support or resources designed for gay men.
Wow! Both hands shot up.
Isolating oneself from friends, family etc. I’m lucky, all my existing friends know I’m gay. I did have a good friend who asked me not to send any holiday photos showing me kissing my boyfriend because she wasn’t comfortable with it. I dropped her quicker than a hot stone! And the photo was just a peck on the cheek. I wouldn’t allow her insecurities to lead to internalised homophobia in me though.
Family!
I wasted so many years not telling my family that I was gay. I felt ashamed. I must have done something wrong in my life and I didn’t deserve to be part of theirs. And I’ve learned through working with gay men that this is a common feeling. I was thirty two before I came out to my parents and sister. During that time I had created a fake wife for my boyfriend so I could say I was staying with ’Jane’ and him. After university I would spend as little time visiting my family because I wanted to avoid being questioned. I missed seeing my niece and nephew growing up. So much wasted energy. Now though, all my friends and family know everything about my life. But it took a long time.
8) A Conflict with Identity:
This enshrines Experiencing internal conflicts between one's sexual orientation and other aspects of identity, such as religious beliefs or cultural norms.
Hand goes up again! I was lucky that my sister and I weren’t brought up in a religious household although I was confirmed and my first boyfriend was actually an Anglican priest!
But then adolescence hit and I was so conflicted. I hated being gay. I threw myself into a Pentecostal church, even at university for the first two years, and I was baptised by full immersion at sixteen. I believed that if I gave my life to God then he would take away this ‘curse’ of being gay.
Unfortunately, so many other gay men go through the same experience.
But guess what? Religion in my life has gone but being gay is permanent!
So to conclude:
This podcast has set up two definitions of internalised homophobia.
We have also looked at how internalised homophobia can show itself in gay men.
I’ve also set out examples on how internalised homophobia had affected my life.
But I don’t want to leave it there.
As a life coach working with gay men, I don’t want members of my community to be in a stuck setting.
As a coach, we too are coached and it’s good sometimes to be coached or to work with someone who isn’t part of our chosen niche. It gives a different perspective. So, at the start of June I had the pleasure of coaching a lady with two children who was working with women who had gone through abuse and trauma. She said that she wanted to help women move from being victims to survivors.
Now, sometimes in life coaching, a sixth sense kicks in.
And I replied ‘Screw that’ (or words to that affect). What I actually said was much more Anglo-Saxon.
I told her that we, as life coaches, don’t work with people so they just survive. We aim to make them thrive! To be the best and most authentic person they can be.
At which point, bless her, she started to cry. She hadn’t realised that she had been surviving and hadn’t started to move on to the thriving stage.
That is what I want for you – not to burst into tears – but to thrive as a gay man.
That’s why my company is called Life Coaching: Empowering Gay Men.
We can choose to be a victim. We can be a survivor but we owe it to ourselves to be a ‘thriver.’
So, in the next episode I will be setting out how, through life coaching, you can do that. To move from being a victim of internalised homophobia to recognising it as a limiting belief and how to introduce empowering beliefs. How to thrive as a gay man.
Thank you for listening. I look forward to catching up with you in the next episode.
In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:
empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
or leave a comment on our Facebook page: Empowering Gay Men, the Podcast.
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Wishing you an empowered life.
Alan