Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men.
In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face.
But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as as an ally.
This episode marks a return to a subject that does affect gay men. I would say probably all gay men. I would also say that it is the basis of virtually every issue that my clients work through in my life coaching sessions.
That of internalised homophobia!
Last week we looked at two definitions of what internalised homophobia is.
One was a bit formal:
‘Internalised homophobia refers to the involuntary belief by gay men that the negative stereotypes, myths, and misconceptions about them held by the larger society are true. This occurs when gay men internalize societal prejudices and biases.
And the other was less formal. Based on my own definition:
‘Internalised homophobia is when we as gay men believe all the crap things that society can say about us and make that part of us by internalising it. We allow the prejudices and attitudes it has and we make it part of us. Instead of rejecting those things we actually start to believe them’.
We also looked at eight areas in which internalised homophobia can rear its ugly head although there are more that you might be able to identify.
They were:
1) Negative Self-Perception:
2) Denial and Concealment:
3) Self-Hate and Self-Destructive Behaviors:
4) Mental Health Issues:
5) Relationship Difficulties:
6) Projection and Discrimination:
7) Avoidance and Isolation:
8) Conflict with Identity:
And finally, I commented on how those eight areas had affected me on a personal level.
I concluded the podcast by referring to a lady who I had coached during a training program. She was working with women who had been subject to abuse and trauma. She was determined to lead those women into a place of being survivors.
My comment was: Screw that! As Life Coaches we have to help our clients reach a position further than just surviving – that of thriving.
I don’t want to be a survivor. I want to be a thriver!
So, today’s podcast builds on from the first. We now know what internalised homophobia is. We can recognise how it affects us and now it’s time to start dealing with it and to crush it and in its place to build empowering beliefs through life coaching.
Are you ready?
The first thing I want to say is that internalised homophobia is based on a series of beliefs and not facts. A belief is just a strongly held opinion. And opinions can be changed. Sometimes that requires the help of a professional but these opinions can be challenged, demolished and a new belief put into place.
We need to identify what the beliefs are though.
In the first full episode I talked about the ‘Wheel of Life’ and its role in Life Coaching. It’s such a simple but highly effective tool. Basically, it’s a circle divided into eight labelled segments, sometimes less and then each segment is divided into ten lines.
The client looks at each category and then marks where they are at the moment i.e. health 3 and where they would like to be i.e. 7. Then, with the life coach, they agree about the steps that are needed to reach that goal.
So, I would encourage you to do the same in the first move to battle internalised homophobia. You can download a blank wheel of life. Write down eight areas in your life that are affected. Then reflect. Where are you right now? Maybe a 6 or 7 and where you would like to be. Unlike the usual Wheel of Life, your aim is actually to reduce the number and not to increase it. So, if you feel particularly affected by relationships difficulties, maybe an 8, then mark that on the Wheel. Then, where you would like to be – perhaps a 2 since no-one has a perfect relationship all the time.
Feel free to use the eight categories that I identified. A quick reminder. They are also available in the accompanying script.
1) Negative Self-Perception:
2) Denial and Concealment:
3) Self-Hate and Self-Destructive Behaviors:
4) Mental Health Issues:
5) Relationship Difficulties:
6) Projection and Discrimination:
7) Avoidance and Isolation:
8) Conflict with Identity:
But feel free to add your own. Then go through each section marking where you are now and where you want to be.
Then take an overall view of what you have now. Which areas of your life do you need to address the most? Where are the priorities? Write them down in order. Then you can start to deal with them. Please note, you should only deal with one section at a time and when you have done so you can move onto another. No-one, not even Superman, can deal with all eight at the same time.
So, let’s imagine that you have identified Negative self-image as the biggest area that you need to address.
This could involve:
Feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment about one's sexual orientation or gender identity.
Low self-esteem and a negative self-image related to being gay.
Maybe vocalise or write what you’re feeling:
I’m embarrassed about being gay because…
Then ask yourself what embarrassed actually means:
Why are you embarrassed?
How does that embarrassment show itself?
When was the first time you associated being gay with something that was shameful or embarrassing? Who is responsible for that feeling because someone gave you that opinion and then you chose to internalise it? Does their opinion actually hold any value? Why do you want to keep having that belief in your life?
When are you embarrassed?
What triggers this embarrassment?
Are you embarrassed the whole time? Are you embarrassed everywhere?
What are you embarrassed about? Is it because of other people’s reactions – in which case you can do nothing about their stance, only how you deal with it and choose to internalise it or brush it away.
Then write down the advice you would give a friend? How would you advise they should see the issue? How should they react?
By challenging the belief, you can break it down.
So, time to start building up that alternative belief. One this time one that will empower you.
The first step is to write down some statements that are the opposite of your original ones.
So, instead of:
I’m embarrassed to be gay because…
Write down:
I am happy or proud to be gay because…
and write a list. Use these as affirmations every day. The brain cannot differentiate between something that is real or unreal so by telling yourself that you are proud to be gay you will embed that belief.
Finally, I want to talk about something called the Belief Cycle.
It is divided into four sections that feed into each other or sap energy from each other in turn depending on what you choose to do.
The sections are:
Belief
Potential
Action
Results
You can draw a circle and divide it into four. Then put an arrow going clockwise between each section.
By challenging your limiting belief that you previously had you will have more potential. So, by telling yourself that you are proud to be a gay man then you free yourself up from so much that was holding you back. You are allowing yourself to have more potential.
By increasing that potential, you can start to act on it. So, if you suddenly feel embarrassed recognise it and choose to dismiss it as the nonsense it is. Affirm what you really believe. Then you will see results. You will notice a difference in the way you think and act. That difference will then reinforce your beliefs which in turn will increase every other part of the Belief Cycle.
The inverse is also true. If you don’t affirm that your old belief system was holding you back then you won’t get the results you want and you won’t take action which will then reinforce that old belief system. We’re very good at allowing disempowering belief systems tell us: There, I told you so.
So, move forward. Break down the belief, realise you have increased your potential and take action about it. Then you will see results which will reinforce your belief.
I’ve used the example of negative self-belief in this description but it is applicable in any area of internalised homophobia that you can name.
I hope that this has helped.
When I saw my doctor recently, he told me that high blood pressure was the silent killer. I would say the same thing about internalised homophobia. It saps and kills the spirit. We deserve better.
By using the Wheel of Life and the Belief Cycle you can make a huge difference to the way you view yourself and empower yourself too.
Thank you for listening. I look forward to catching up with you in the next episode where I will investigate the subject of self-love. What is it? How does it affect us as gay men?
Then in the follow up episode I will be setting out techniques that I use as a life coach to deal with it. I hope you will listen.
In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:
empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
Especially if you have been affected by this episode.
or leave a comment on our Facebook page: Empowering Gay Men, the Podcast.
And if you have enjoyed this episode then why not consider supporting me in the work I do by becoming a sponsor. You can do so via Buzzsprout for as little as $3.00.
Their website is:
www.buzzsprout.com.
Or just look for Empowering Gay Men: The Podcast.
And please tell your friends about this podcast. Let’s start building that strong and resilient community.
Wishing you always an empowered life.
Alan