A lack of self-love.

 Gay men dealing with internalised homophobia and its behavioural consequences. Alan Cox defines what it is, where it comes from, and how it shows itself in daily life — avoidance, self‑editing, attraction distortion, and the quiet hostility men turn inward. He outlines the impact it has had on his own life, not as confession but as structural illustration.

The next episode will move from definition to correction, using behavioural life‑coaching techniques to counter internalised homophobia so gay men can operate with more clarity and less inherited constraint.

If this episode gives you one real insight into your own life, please consider a regular monthly subscription between $3 and $10 at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2377983/supporters/new.

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Transcript

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SELF-LOVE

Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men.

In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face. 

But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as an ally.

This episode marks the first look at a subject that affects gay men. I would say probably all gay men.  That of a lack of self-love.

 We will look at a definition of a lack of self-love and examine how to recognise it. The next episode will be focusing on how life coaching can empower gay men to deal with it.

But what is a lack of self-love and how does it show itself in gay men?

One definition is: 

‘Lack of self-love in gay men refers to the insufficient appreciation, acceptance, and care for oneself that can occur due to various internal and external factors. This often involves negative self-perception, self-criticism, and difficulty in recognizing one's own worth and value, particularly related to one's sexual orientation’.

It is worth stating that self-love can affect all members of the LGBTQ+ community regardless of gender. But this podcast focuses solely on gay men.

And if you listened to the podcasts covering internalised homophobia then I am sure you will see lots of similarities between that and issues surrounding self-love. Those similarities will be highlighted even more when we list the ways in which this lack of self-love can manifest itself.

So, how does a lack of self-love show itself? 

I’ve listed nine ways that we can recognise a lack of self-love but these only skim the surface. I am sure you will be able to list others.

As I read them out, maybe count how many times you recognise them in your own life or put your hand up. I’ll comment briefly at the end of each category and say how I recognise that as being, or having been, part of my own life.

When listening to these characteristics it would be easy just to call them internalised homophobia but there are some differences between that and a lack of self-love. And it’s worth differentiating between the two.

Internalised Homophobia: it manifests in behaviors and thoughts specifically related to one's sexual orientation, such as shame and denial of being gay.

Lack of Self-Love: It manifests in a general inability to appreciate and care for oneself, affecting overall well-being and self-perception, including but not limited to sexual orientation.

So here are the nine categories describing areas in which a lack of self-love can rear its ugly head.

1)      Negative Self-Perception:

Persistent feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or inferiority.

Criticizing oneself harshly and focusing on perceived flaws or shortcomings.

Yup. My hand goes into the air. Society tries to teach us not to ‘blow our own trumpet’ or not to be proud and forthright about our successes. That leads to feelings of inadequacy – we are never good enough. But who dictates what ‘good enough’ is? Who set the rules? Instead of challenging that we try to over compensate and so often neglect celebrating the successes that we do have. Instead, we focus on the negative.

2)      Internalised Homophobia:

Internalizing societal prejudices and stereotypes about being gay.

Feeling shame, guilt, or embarrassment about one's sexual orientation.

My hand shoots up in the air faster than a space rocket! In the podcast regarding this I mentioned that internal homophobia is probably the most common issue gay men have. It is the absolute foundation of so many of our problems and if we learn how to deal with it then we can avoid so many pitfalls in our lives.

My own father was incredibly homophobic and everything he said about me and to me I internalised and thought it was fact. I felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. I hated what I perceived as effeminate men or the other extreme, the so called Muscle Marys. I was desperate to be ‘normal’ to be perceived as such. Nowadays, I don’t give a you know damn what others think and I try to recognise when there is an element of internalised homophobia in my own life but it took a lot of time to overcome that internalised homophobia. 

3)      Self-Denial and Concealment:

Hiding or denying one's sexual orientation to avoid judgment or rejection.

Conforming to heteronormative expectations at the expense of personal authenticity.

Hand up again. I spent years hiding my sexual orientation from colleagues and the parents whose kids I taught. I tried to pass as straight and, like Albin in La Cage aux Folles, I tried to pass as ‘normal.’ I even practised walking in a certain way because I thought I was mincing a bit. And like Albin I tried to give it’ rough and gruff and low.’

4)      Mental Health Issues:

Unfortunately, issues surrounding mental health are more prevalent in the gay community than the straight one. That’s why it is so important to examine areas such as a lack of self-love. The issues show themselves as a

Higher prevalence of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Increased risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

According to Psychology today, June 2018, 

A British survey of gay men found that 50 percent of those who experienced depression had contemplated suicide; 24 percent had already attempted to take their own lives. Of the 600 men who responded to the survey, 70 percent cited low self-esteem as the main reason for their depression, followed by relationship problems, isolation, and not feeling attractive.  Black gay and bisexual men were twice as likely to be depressed and five times more likely to have attempted suicide than their white counterparts.

So, my hand yet again has to be raised in the air. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, especially when my marriage broke down. Thankfully though I had an excellent doctor. Pills can provide some temporary relief but you can get addicted to them. Then you can get a whole load of different issues. The statistics showing how mental health affects gay men are truly shocking.

5)      Difficulty in Relationships:

Struggling to form or maintain healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships.

Fear of intimacy and vulnerability due to fear of rejection or judgment.

Hand goes up again. Sometimes, if you don’t love yourself then you think loving someone else is impossible. Or worse, you might believe that you are unlovable. That will then feed into area 6 about sabotaging. It’s difficult sometimes as a gay man. Everyone on Grindr (other social apps apply too) seem more attractive so even to get to the point where you can start to have a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship seems like an impossibility. 

My dream was always to be married. It’s all I really wanted. To have a husband and to grow old together. To celebrate thirty, forty or even more years together. What an achievement! It didn’t turn out that way! So, based on that experience it would have been easier just to give up looking for those things. On a personal level I probably am scared of being rejected or judged -not even gay life coaches are immune to self-doubt. But at least I recognise that and develop coping strategies. You can too.

6)      Self-Destructive Behaviors:

Engaging in risky sexual behavior or substance abuse as a coping mechanism.

Sabotaging personal success and well-being due to feelings of unworthiness.

Both hands go up! When my marriage broke down eight years ago in the August, I thought my life was over. So, I chose to go for one last holiday. I wanted to go somewhere that would be so dangerous in my mind that I probably wouldn’t come back alive! I had such a lack of self-love at the time that I could literally have thrown my life away.

So, I chose Lebanon. Now, that country isn’t known for a liberal stance regarding homosexuality but as a European man you are seen as attractive. Lebanese friends have told me subsequently that we are really just seen as easy! 

My Grindr was literally beeping every thirty seconds when I arrived and things got so out of hand that I could have fitted a turnstile on my hotel bedroom door. I was engaging in extremely risky behaviour. I could have been arrested and put in prison. But did I care? No. All down to a lack of self-love at the time. I’ve worked that though and developed the tools I need to reject those kind of choices.

Then there is sabotaging success. I call this self-sabotage. I had a partner who had one core belief that dictated every area of his life. He believed that he didn’t deserve to be happy. He was healthy, wealthy and didn’t have any issue identifying as a gay man. But this core belief was stopping him from thriving. When one has such a negative core belief caused through a lack of self-love then you develop a whole subset of beliefs that are there to reinforce that negativity. Instead of looking for exceptions to the core belief the psyche actually looks for examples so that you can tell yourself: See! I told you so! But beliefs are just strong opinions and they can be challenged.  

7)      Social Withdrawal and Isolation:

Withdrawing from social interactions and support networks.

Feeling disconnected from both the male gay community and broader society.

I think my hand would probably stay on the desk at this point. I might have withdrawn slightly and feel a little bit disconnected from the male gay community but only because I am an older gay man and so much of that community seems based around men who are young enough to be my son. 

Pride marches are a good example of this. When I was in my late 20s London Pride was a real festival in a south London park. It was a celebration. Politics didn’t play a part in it. But all of that changed about twenty years ago. I don’t feel associated with what the commercial Pride stands for now. I don’t think that is a lack of self-love, maybe just a result of growing older.

8)      Lack of Self-Care:

Neglecting physical, emotional, and mental health needs.

Avoiding activities and practices that promote well-being and self-acceptance.

Hand sort of shoots up at this stage. I was useless at sport when I was a child. That’s not a limiting belief. Unfortunately, it’s a fact. Being virtually blind in one eye isn’t good at sports that involve balls! Yet I was always placed in goal in football and shouted at when the ball went in. I couldn’t bloody see it! 
 As I got older though I was determined to do something about it so when I turned forty, I did my first London marathon. 

I was so fit though for about ten years and then things tailed off. I knew what I should be doing. I knew I was capable of it but I just couldn’t be bothered. 

Maybe I didn’t love myself enough though to do anything about it. I have turned things around. I got all my running medals out and hung them on the wall in my dressing room. I have to walk past them. They either denounce me for weakness or encourage me and I must say I have started to fall in love with running again. But you have to be aware of those supportive beliefs. I can look out from my kitchen and see the slightest breeze and tell myself it’s too windy to run. I can create a hurricane in my head. Sometimes you just need to push through that and get on with it.

9)      Fear of Authenticity:

Reluctance to express one's true self openly and confidently.

Avoiding situations where one's sexual orientation might be revealed. 

Hand goes up. When I taught in Quebec City, I fled a gay bar because the biology teacher had just walked in. How dumb was that? He might have appreciated support. Then for a long time I would acknowledge that I was gay but didn’t do so with any confidence or even conviction. Nowadays I simply don’t care. I’ve learnt that if someone has a problem with you being gay then that isn’t your problem to own and internalise. They’re the ones with the problem. Not you.

So, to conclude this podcast has set up a definition of what a lack of self-love is. 

We have also looked at how it can show itself.

I’ve also set out examples on how a lack of self-love has affected my life at times.

But I don’t want to leave it there.

As a life coach working with gay men, I don’t want members of my community to be in a stuck position.  As a coach, we too are coached, and it’s good sometimes to be coached or to work with someone who isn’t part of our chosen niche. It gives a different perspective. So, at the start of June I had the pleasure of coaching a lady with two children who was working with women who had gone through abuse and trauma. She said that she wanted to help women move from being victims to survivors.

Sometimes in life coaching a sixth sense kicks in.

And I replied ‘Screw that’ (or words to that affect). What I actually said was much more Anglo-Saxon.

I told her that we don’t work with people so they just survive. We aim to make them thrive! To be the best and most authentic person they can be.

That is what I want for you, to thrive as a gay man. 

That’s why my company is called Life Coaching: Empowering Gay Men.

We can be a victim. We can be a survivor but we owe it to ourselves to be a ‘thriver.’

So, in the next episode I will be setting out how, through life coaching, you can do that. To move from being a victim of a lack of self-love to recognising it as a limiting belief and how to introduce empowering beliefs. How to thrive as a gay man.

 I became an accredited Life Coach through an organisation called Coaching Masters. If you are interested in a career in Life Coachng then I would recommend them.

There is a referral link below if you would like to contact them.

https://thecoachingmasters.com/exclusive-masterclass/c/0u4jf

https://thecoachingmasters.com/membership/c/0u4jf

In the next episode of Empowering Gay Men, the podcast I will be focusing on how ADHD can affect gay men. This will be followed by an episode investigating how life coaching techniques can be used to counter it.

In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:

empoweringgaymen@gmail.com

And please do so if you have been affected personally with this issue and need to work through it with a professional Life Coach. I offer sessions on a one to one basis or in a group.  

or leave a comment on our Facebook page: Empowering Gay Men, the Podcast.

Or you can book a discovery call via the website: Empowering Gay Men.

And if you have enjoyed this episode then why not consider supporting me in the work I do by becoming a sponsor? You can do so via Buzzsprout for as little as $3.00.

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And please tell your friends about this podcast. In fact, tell everyone!

 Let’s start building that strong and resilient community together.

Wishing you always an empowered life.

Alan

For further information:  Please email me at:

empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
 
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