Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men.
In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face.
But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as as an ally.
This episode marks a return to a subject that does affect gay men. I would say probably all gay men. I would also say that it is the basis of virtually every issue that my clients work through in my life coaching sessions.
That of dealing with a lack of self-love.
In the last episode we looked at a definition of what a lack of self-love is.
‘Lack of self-love in gay men refers to the insufficient appreciation, acceptance, and care for oneself that can occur due to various internal and external factors. This often involves negative self-perception, self-criticism, and difficulty in recognizing one's own worth and value, particularly related to one's sexual orientation’.
We also looked at nine areas in which a lack of self-love can affect gay men. They were:
1) Negative Self-Perception
2) Internalised Homophobia
3) Self-Denial and Concealment
4) Mental Health Issues
5) Difficulty in Relationships:
6) Self-Destructive Behaviors
7) Social Withdrawal and Isolation
8) Lack of Self-Care
9) Fear of Authenticity
And finally, I commented on how those nine areas had affected me on a personal level.
I concluded the podcast by referring to a lady who I had coached during a training program. She was working with women who had been subject to abuse and trauma. She was determined to lead those women into the place of being survivors.
My comment was: Screw that! As Life Coaches we have to help our clients reach a position further than just surviving – that of thriving.
I don’t want to be a survivor. I want to be a thriver! And I want that for you too.
So, today’s podcast builds on from the first. We now know what a lack of self-love is. We can recognise how it affects us and now it’s time to start dealing with it, to tackle it and replace it with empowering beliefs.
Are you ready?
I always start by saying that any issue facing gay men is based on a series of beliefs and not facts. A belief is just a strongly held opinion. And opinions can be changed. Sometimes that requires the help of a professional such as myself and these beliefs can be challenged, demolished and a new belief put into place.
We need to identify what the beliefs are though.
In the first full episode I talked about the ‘Wheel of Life’ and its role in Life Coaching. It’s such a simple but highly effective tool. Please listen to it again.
Basically, it’s a circle divided into labelled segments and then each segment is divided into ten sections- lines.
So, I would encourage you to do the same in the first move to battle a lack of self-love. You can download a blank Wheel of Life. Write down nine areas in your life that are affected. Then reflect. Where are you right now? Maybe a 6 or 7 and where you would like to be. Unlike the usual Wheel of Life, your aim is actually to reduce the number and not to increase it. So, if you feel particularly affected by relationship difficulties, maybe an 8, then mark that on the Wheel. Then, where you would like to be – perhaps a 2 since no-one has a perfect relationship all the time.
A quick reminder of the categories although they are also listed in the shownotes:
1) Negative Self-Perception
2) Internalised Homophobia
3) Self-Denial and Concealment
4) Mental Health Issues
5) Difficulty in Relationships:
6) Self-Destructive Behaviors
7) Social Withdrawal and Isolation
8) Lack of Self-Care
9) Fear of Authenticity
But feel free to add your own. Then go through each section marking where you are now and where you want to be.
Then take an overall view of what you have now. Which areas of your life do you need to address the most? Where are the priorities? Write them down in order. Then you can start to deal with them. Please note, you should only deal with one section at a time and when you have done so you can move onto another. No-one, not even Superman, can deal with all nine at the same time.
By now you wlll have identified a goal. Now you need to start thinking about the resources you already have – both internal and external, what obstacles you might face and the way forward. It’s called the GROW method.
Let’s say that you have identified a fear of being authentic as your biggest concern.
In the previous episode, I described it as:
Reluctance to express one's true self openly and confidently or avoiding situations where one's sexual orientation might be revealed.
It is basically fear of judgment, rejection, or not fitting societal norms and this fear can stem from various sources such as:
People-Pleasing Tendencies
Lack of Experience and Skills
Emotional Factors
Fear of Being Alone
I love the Coaching Masters’ description of what fear is:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
And that’s what fear is. It is false. It’s a belief that you have created, internalised and turned it into what you will see as a fact. But I will stress, it’s false. You’ve gathered what you think is evidence of that (it’s called a supporting belief) and you’ve made it seem real. Fear should only be present if something is directly threatening your life. It might be helpful to relabel it as apprehensive although this apprehension also needs to be addressed.
You can challenge these beliefs though. They need to be recognised as limiting. What you need to do is to start replacing them with empowering ones.
Ask yourself what the source of that fear is. Did someone give you that belief? Was there a time when you didn’t worry about being authentic. What are the differences between then and now?
Then a big question. What does authentic actually mean?
How many people are truly authentic? If any.
What’s the most authentic thing you’ve ever done?
What attributes and competencies do you have that will enable you to feel more authentic? (You should probably spend most of the time on this area).
Fill your mind with the positive because at the moment if you are fearful of coming out as authentic then you are reducing your competency. And, as we learnt in the internalised homophobia episode increased competency leads to increased confidence.
When we examine what we belief are facts, but are only really strong opinions, then we can chip away at them. We then realise that there was very little basis for them. The next step is to start replacing them with empowering ones. Use affirmations too such as:
I can live an authentic life because….and then name a reason.
Say it to yourself every day and then your brain will start to believe it. You will develop confidence and your confidence will grow. You will become more empowered.
I hope that this has helped. I used the example of a fear of being authentic but you can actually apply what I have described to all nine categories that describe a lack of self-love.
I became an accredited Life Coach through an organisation called Coaching Masters. If you are interested in a career in Life Coachng then I would recommend them.
There is a referral link below if you would like to contact them.
https://thecoachingmasters.com/exclusive-masterclass/c/0u4jf
https://thecoachingmasters.com/membership/c/0u4jf
In the next episode of Empowering Gay Men, the podcast I will be focusing on how ADHD can affect gay men. This will be followed by an episode investigating how life coaching techniques can be used to counter it.
In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:
empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
And please do so if you have been affected personally with this issue and need to work through it with a professional Life Coach. I offer sessions on a one to one basis or in a group.
or leave a comment on our Facebook page: Empowering Gay Men, the Podcast.
Or you can book a discovery call via the website: Empowering Gay Men.
And if you have enjoyed this episode then why not consider supporting me in the work I do by becoming a sponsor? You can do so via Buzzsprout for as little as $3.00.
Their website is:
www.buzzsprout.com.
Or you can also support Via Patreon
And please tell your friends about this podcast. In fact, tell everyone!
Let’s start building that strong and resilient community together.
Wishing you always an empowered life.
Alan
For further information: Please email me at:
empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
Facebook: Life Coaching: Empowering Gay Men.
Website: Life Coaching: Empowering Gay Men. (lifecoachingempoweringgaymen.com)
