Coming out.

In today's episode, Alan Cox, an international Life Coach working with gay men, examines the issue of coming out as a gay man. 
He sets out a definition of what it is and also describes his own coming out process.
The next episode will be looking at how life coaching techniques can be used to counter any issues surrounding coming out so that gay men can lead a more empowered life. 

Transcript

Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men. 

In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face. 

But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as as an ally.

In today’s episode, I want to examine the process of coming out as a gay man. I want to start by stating that it is a highly personal process. Some gay people may choose not to do so and that is just as valid as a gay man who wishes to do so. 

My great aunt, although obviously not a gay man, lived her whole life with her companion called Rhoda. When Rhoda died and the family went upstairs for the first time they discovered there was only one double bed. The two women had never told anyone, presumably through fear of rejection. 

On the lighter side, there is also a character that the comedienne Catherine Tate plays who is called Derek. He is almost certainly gay but takes great umbrage with people assuming he is.

But what does coming out mean? By the very process of listening to this podcast, I can safely assume that you are either gay yourself  or possibly an ally of gay people so you will have possibly come out to friends, family and colleagues.

One definition of coming out is:

‘Coming out for gay men refers to the process of acknowledging, accepting, and openly expressing one's sexual orientation to oneself and others. This involves both personal and social dimensions, encompassing various stages of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and disclosure to family, friends, colleagues, and society’.

It describes it as a process and that is indeed what it is. A gay man doesn’t just come out once and that’s it. 

It is something that will continue throughout the life of an individual. I am 57 and I come out to people most days by saying that I work with gay men. I have lost any fear of doing so. But that wasn’t always the case. In a past life I would be petrified of being outed as a gay teacher. Nowadays, through life coaching and general experience, I simply don’t care what others think. If they can’t accept the fact that I am a gay man then that’s not my problem to own or to internalise.

Before looking at some key components of the coming out process, I would like to just describe some of the events that happened during my own coming out.

I was born two days after the Sexual Offences Act was passed in England that decriminalised gay men. I wonder how many gay babies were born during that 48 hours. 

I can never remember when I came out to myself. I think I always knew. I was fascinated by a naked man in a public swimming pool and got told off by the teachers. I was seven years old. 
 
 

I can remember rejoicing when the government changed the legal age of consent for gay men to 21 – I was 13 at the time and then to 16 in 2000.

I never came out at school. I was too scared to. I tried having a girlfriend between 16 and 17 and tried to fit in. I was so deep inside the closet though that you would have found me with the woodworm.

I went to university and only had one dalliance with a student in the first year. But thinking back, I couldn’t have come out because it would have been illegal for both him and I. He was two years younger than me so I would have probably been treated harsher.

Then the government introduced the infamous Section 28 which prohibited the teaching of anything to do with homosexuality. This coincided with the rise in HIV and AIDS. 

My third year at university moulded me as a gay man. I went to teach in Quebec and I met a French- Canadian called Jaques who was my first partner. Yet, at the same time, I was meant to be seeing a French Canadian woman. I didn’t tell anyone during that year that I was gay.

Back at university I came out for the first time. I had just met an Anglican priest and he was my first true  love. Eleven years older too. I told a friend, Mary, because her dad was a vicar and I also told the chaplain because he was cute!

Then I spent about sixteen years teaching, largely in boarding schools and only told my housemate. 

Moving to London changed things,  again something about cities. I met my then husband in 2000 and we lived together for 16 years. Previous to 2000 I hadn’t told anyone apart from my sister who immediately told her children that they would be having two uncles.

My father’s reaction was awful. I was scared of coming out to him. He couldn’t differentiate between a gay man and someone who sexually abuses children and we were never reconciled. 

 Knowing that my family now knew meant that so much fear dissipated. I started coming out to all my colleagues and apart from one, an art teacher, everyone was supportive. I couldn’t come out to the children though and over compensated in my attempt at being ‘normal.’

Before retraining as a life coach I had my own business and deliberately slipped into the interview that I was gay.

Now it seems that I come out quite easily. My work helps and if others don’t like it then that is their problem.

So, from that little biography you can see that coming out isn’t just a one step process. Sometimes it can be smooth and sometimes an emotional rollercoaster.

Please comment on the Facebook page, Empowering Gay Men the podcast, on your own experiences if you’d like to.

Now back to the life coaching.

Most stages of coming out can be divided into different components.

1)      Self-Acknowledgment. This involves things happening inside of you.

Internal Realization: Recognizing and accepting one's attraction to the same sex. This often involves overcoming internalized homophobia and reconciling one's sexual orientation with personal values and beliefs. This can lead to a clash with any religious adherence the gay man has.

Emotional Acceptance: Developing a positive self-concept and sense of pride in one's identity as a gay man. Some gay men are unfortunate enough to never accept their sexuality on an emotional level but the majority do.

The next component is external and involves:

1)      Disclosure to Others.

Including :

Personal Relationships: Sharing with close family members, friends, and significant others. This step often requires careful consideration of the potential reactions and consequences. It can go well or in the case with my father, disastrous. 

and

Public Expression: Being open about one's sexual orientation in broader social contexts, such as the workplace, social media, or community events.

So often it starts with a very small nucleus and then broadens out to a wider circle.

There are usually different stages to the coming out process.

1)      Pre-Coming Out:

Awareness and Denial: Initial recognition of same-sex attraction, which may be accompanied by denial or confusion. 

Exploration: Seeking information and support, often through LGBTQ+ resources or communities. Things are so much easier now that we have the internet. The only resources I had growing up was the Gay Times magazine which I would buy furtively.

2)      Then there’s coming out to yourself:

Acceptance: Acknowledging and embracing one's sexual orientation. This stage involves overcoming internalized stigma and developing self-compassion. Another way of paraphrasing that would be to describe it as feeling comfortable in your skin.

3)      The third stage is coming out to others:

Selective Disclosure: Choosing trusted individuals to come out to, starting with those who are perceived to be supportive. That’s why I only came out to one housemate in the years that I was teaching in private schools. It would have been catastrophic if I had come out to everyone at once.

Then there is broadening disclosure: Gradually expanding the circle of people who know about one's sexual orientation, including colleagues and acquaintances. Once you feel a bit more confident then coming out becomes much more of a natural process. It’s part of the confidence cycle where competence leads to more confidence and they feed each other.

Then there is the final stage of coming out.

4)      Post-Coming Out:

Integration: Fully integrating one's sexual orientation into daily life and personal identity. Some gay men such as myself are fortunate enough to not see any barriers between being gay on a personal level and a professional level. Unfortunately, others don’t. Clinton’s ‘Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell’ policy was a disaster.

Advocacy: Some individuals may choose to engage in LGBTQ+ advocacy and support others in their coming out journey. I guess this is the stage where I am at and why I set up my company: Life Coaching: Empowering Gay Men. But we shouldn’t forget that we have other advocates who aren’t part of the gay male community. I love the character Olympia Dukakis played in the 1995 film Jeffrey -  Mrs Marcangelo. She was so proud to be supporting her pre-operative transexual child.

Coming out doesn’t just involve a personal emotional impact but also a societal one

Emotional and Social Impact:

Positive Outcomes: Coming out can lead to a sense of relief, authenticity, and improved mental health. It fosters deeper and more honest relationships and a stronger sense of community and belonging.

But coming out can bring a huge amount of personal issues and in the next episode we will look at how life coaching can be used to deal with them. But for now, here are a few areas that could be affected by coming out.

1. Rejection and Alienation

Family Rejection

Loss of friends  

2. Discrimination and Harassment

Workplace Discrimination

Loss of employment. 

Harassment.

Social Discrimination.

Public Harassment

Discrimination in housing.

3. Mental Health Challenges

Increased Stress and Anxiety.

Anticipation Stress.

Post-Disclosure Anxiety.

Depression

Isolation.

Internalized Homophobia

4. Cultural and Religious Conflicts

Cultural Stigma.

Community Rejection. 

Cultural Norms. 

Conflict with religion.

Religious Guilt.

Religious Rejection.

5. Safety Concerns

Physical Violence:

Hate Crimes:  

Domestic Violence:  

Emotional and Psychological Safety:

Emotional Abuse.

Psychological Trauma.

6.       Lack of Legal Protections:

Employment Protections.  When I was 18 I would have been dismissed if someone had found out I was gay. And since I was working in a sensitive government setting I could have been blackmailed.

Finally, marriage and adoption. Some fathers are viewed as unfit once they come out.

There we have it.

This will have been one of the longer podcasts I would have covered. I deliberately structured these podcasts so that they would be: an introduction; internalised homophobia; a lack of self-love and then coming out. For me it was the right sequence. Some people have positive experiences coming out whereas others don’t and it can be a real challenge. Too many gay men still kill themselves rather than come out voluntarily or commit suicide when outed. 

At the end of this transcript there are going to be a series of questions that I took from my book: A Teen Coming Out Journal. The first set covers those that might be asked by those who support the gay man and the second series are those that are more hostile and accusatory. I think we need to be realistic as gay men and sometimes anticipate some hostility. By working through both sets of questions, 100 in total, you will become more empowered. You can try role playing them with an ally if it helps.

In our next episode we will be looking at how life coaching can be used to support gay men who are considering coming out; who are coming out and those who have done so. It would be a good idea to relisten to the episodes on how life coaching can tackle internalised homophobia and a lack of self-love.

Thank you for listening to Empowering Gay Men the podcast. I look forward to catching up with you in the next episode. 

 In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:

empoweringgaymen@gmail.com

And please do so if you have been affected personally with this issue and need to work through it with a professional life coach

or leave a comment on our Facebook page: Empowering Gay Men, the Podcast.

And if you have enjoyed this episode then why not consider supporting me in the work I do by becoming a sponsor. You can do so via Buzzsprout for as little as $3.00.

Their website is:

www.buzzsprout.com.

Or just look for the show notes.

And please tell your friends about this podcast. Let’s start building that strong and resilient community together.

Wishing you always an empowered life.

Alan

Fifty positive questions supportive parents or extended family / friends might ask: 

How are you feeling about coming out to us?

When did you first realize you might be gay or bisexual?

Have you felt comfortable talking to anyone else about your feelings before?

Do you have any worries about how we might react?

Can you tell us more about what being gay or bisexual means to you?

Have you experienced any challenges or struggles because of your sexual orientation?

How can we support you through this process?

Are there any specific concerns or fears you have about coming out?

What do you need from us right now?

Have you thought about how you want to share this with other family members or friends?

Do you have any questions about sexuality that you'd like to discuss?

Are there any resources or support groups you're interested in exploring?

How do you envision your future relationships?

Have you considered how your sexual orientation might impact your social life or activities?

Are there any ways we can help you feel more comfortable being open about your identity?

Do you have any concerns about facing discrimination or prejudice?

How can we best advocate for you and your rights?

Are there any boundaries or privacy concerns we should be aware of?

Have you thought about how you want to navigate dating and relationships?

Are there any misconceptions about being gay or bisexual that you'd like to address?

Have you experienced any positive moments or affirmations related to your sexual orientation?

Do you feel comfortable introducing us to anyone you're dating?

How can we help educate ourselves and others about LGBTQ+ issues?

Have you considered talking to a counselor or therapist about your feelings?

Are there any experiences or stories you'd like to share with us?

Do you have any concerns about how this might impact our relationship?

Have you noticed any changes in your feelings or behavior recently?

How can we ensure that you feel loved and accepted for who you are?

Are there any challenges or obstacles you anticipate facing in the future?

How can we celebrate and honor your identity?

Are there any ways we can help you feel more confident and empowered?

Have you thought about how you want to handle questions or comments from others?

How can we help create a supportive and inclusive environment for you at home?

Are there any traditions or rituals you'd like to incorporate into our family life?

Do you have any concerns about your safety or well-being?

How can we ensure that you feel heard and understood?

Have you considered connecting with other LGBTQ+ individuals or communities?

Are there any ways we can help you navigate social situations or peer pressure?

Do you have any questions or concerns about your health and well-being?

How do you want to address your sexual orientation with extended family members?

Are there any role models or mentors you admire within the LGBTQ+ community?

How do you want to handle questions or discussions about your sexual orientation in public settings?

Have you thought about how you want to express your identity through clothing or personal style?

Are there any hobbies or interests you'd like to explore that are related to LGBTQ+ culture?

How can we help you feel proud and confident in who you are?

Are there any support networks or resources you'd like us to connect you with?

How can we continue to learn and grow as allies to the LGBTQ+ community?

Are there any cultural or religious considerations we should be aware of?

How can we help you build resilience and cope with any challenges you may face?

Above all, know that we love you unconditionally and are here to support you every step of the way.

Fifty questions unsupportive parents or extended family / friends might ask:

Why are you choosing to be gay?"

"Did you do something to make yourself this way?"

"Are you ashamed of your family?"

"How could you embarrass us like this?"

"Have you considered the disappointment you're causing us?"

"Are you sure you're not just confused?"

"Did something traumatic happen to make you this way?"

"Are you prepared for the ridicule and bullying you'll face?"

"Do you realize you're making life harder for yourself?"

"Can't you just pretend to be straight?"

"Are you sure you're not just going through a rebellious phase?"

"Have you considered the impact your sexuality will have on your future?"

"Did someone influence you to become gay or bisexual?"

"How can you expect us to accept this?"

"Are you intentionally trying to defy us?"

"Do you understand the shame you're bringing upon our family?"

"Are you aware of the religious consequences of your actions?"

"Have you thought about how this will affect your siblings?"

"Do you realize you're breaking our hearts?"

"Are you prepared to be disowned if you continue down this path?"

"Did we do something wrong as parents to make you like this?"

"How can you be sure this isn't just a phase of experimentation?"

"Are you just doing this for attention or to be trendy?"

"Have you considered the disappointment you're causing your grandparents?"

"Do you understand how your actions reflect on our family's reputation?"

"Are you deliberately trying to hurt us?"

"Can't you see how this will affect your future relationships?"

"Did you think about how your grandparents would react before coming out?"

"Are you prepared to lose the respect of your peers?"

"How can you expect us to support something we don't believe in?"

"Have you considered the financial consequences of being disowned?"

"Do you understand the cultural implications of being gay or bisexual?"

"Are you prepared to live a life of loneliness and rejection?"

"How can you expect us to love and accept you when you're like this?"

"Have you thought about the disappointment you're causing your extended family?"

"Are you aware of the legal challenges you'll face as a gay or bisexual person?"

"Did you consider keeping this to yourself instead of causing a family rift?"

"How could you betray our values like this?"

"Are you deliberately trying to ruin our family's happiness?"

"Can't you just try to be normal?"

"Did you think about the impact this will have on your future career?"

"How can you expect us to celebrate something that goes against our beliefs?"

"Have you thought about how your siblings will be teased because of you?"

"Are you prepared to face the consequences of being different?"

"Do you realize how much harder you're making life for yourself?"

"Can't you see how your actions are tearing this family apart?"

"How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?"

"Are you aware of the mental health issues you're bringing upon yourself?"

"Did you consider the impact this will have on your future marriage and c