EPISODE 15 – Post Coming Out (Part Two).
Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men.
In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face.
But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as an ally.
This is the second part of the episodes featuring Post Coming Out. The research I had carried out on the subject showed clearly that there were just too many implications to be covered in just one episode.
I discovered at least ten areas that might affect gay men once they come out. I am sure there are more that you could come up with.
Part one featured:
1. Family Reactions and Acceptance
2. Social Isolation and Loneliness
3. Discrimination and Prejudice
4. Self-Esteem and Self-Acceptance
5. Navigating New Social Norms and Communities
And Part two will be concentrating on:
6. Relationship Challenges
7. Mental Health Concerns
8. Career and Professional Challenges
9. Financial Stability
10. Long-Term Life Planning
So let’s begin with
1) Relationship Challenges.
Coming out as a gay man is a significant and transformative moment that often brings a profound sense of relief and authenticity. It can literally be like having a weight taken off of one’s shoulders. I’ve even had clients who have said they felt like they could breathe again.
However, it also introduces a range of challenges, particularly in the realm of personal relationships. The process of coming out can affect existing relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners while also influencing the formation of new connections. These relationship challenges can be complex, emotional, and sometimes difficult to navigate.
So, Strained Family Dynamics
One of the most immediate challenges a gay man may face after coming out is the strain it can place on family relationships. While some families respond with love and acceptance, others may struggle with feelings of confusion, disappointment, or even outright rejection. For parents and siblings, the revelation might challenge their expectations or beliefs, leading to tension and conflict. Many parents build up expectations of their son getting married and going on to give them grandchildren. The revelation that he is actually gay might shatter those expectations. Yet, their desires weren’t necessarily fair or realistic. Plenty of straight men might have issues conceiving a child with their female partner and nowadays surrogacy is a possibility for gay men as well as adopting.
In some cases, family members may need time to process the information and adjust their perspectives. This period of adjustment can be difficult for both parties, as it requires patience, understanding, and open communication.
For some gay men, the fear of losing their family’s love and support can be overwhelming. When faced with negative reactions, they may experience feelings of guilt, shame, or isolation. This emotional turmoil can lead to a distancing of relationships, where communication becomes strained or ceases altogether. Navigating these strained dynamics often requires a delicate balance of giving family members space to come to terms with the news while also setting boundaries to protect one’s emotional well-being.
I’ve already written about my father’s vitriolic reaction when he learnt I was gay. I hadn’t chosen to come out to him because I knew it would mean an end to our relationship but he saw the way that my ex and I interacted with each other – even then I was trying to play it straight! Obviously not very convincingly. But that led to a distancing between myself and my parents for about twelve years. I didn’t want to visit them because I knew it would prove stressful for my mother who had been fully supportive and who had opposed my father’s attitude.
Shifting Friendships
Friendships are another area where relationship challenges may arise after coming out. Friends who were previously close might react in unexpected ways, ranging from complete support to discomfort or withdrawal. Some friends might struggle with their own biases or misconceptions about homosexuality, leading to awkwardness or a change in the dynamic of the friendship. A gay man, while in the closet, may have colluded with straight friends in derogatory comments about homosexuals. That would have acted as a defence mechanism but where does he stand with those same friends once he has chosen to live an authentic life?
On the other hand, coming out can also strengthen friendships, particularly with those who are open-minded and supportive. These friends can provide essential emotional support and a sense of validation during what can be a vulnerable time. However, the process of identifying which friendships will endure and which may falter can be emotionally taxing. For some gay men, this period involves reevaluating and, in some cases, letting go of relationships that no longer feel supportive or safe.
I had been a friend with a female colleague for over twenty years. She’d known I was gay for that whole time and had even been to gay bars in London to watch a drag queen associate of mine. I thought she was absolutely open to everything. Then I sent a photo of my partner and I in Slovakia. It showed me giving him a peck on the cheek. She reacted by saying she hated seeing photos of gay men kissing. That was enough for me to end that friendship and we haven’t spoken since.
Navigating Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships present another set of challenges after coming out. For gay men who were previously in heterosexual relationships, coming out can lead to the dissolution of these partnerships, often causing significant emotional pain for both parties. The process of ending a relationship based on a false or incomplete identity can be fraught with guilt and sadness, even if it ultimately leads to a more authentic life.
I know of a friend’s sister-in-law whose husband has had many male partners. She knows what has been happening and I’ve even been there when jokes have been made. But his real sexuality is never mentioned. Yet she accepts the situation. I wonder though if it wouldn’t be kinder for her husband to come out and release her into the possibility of a new relationship and for him to be true to himself.
For those who are single, dating and forming new romantic relationships can also be challenging. The fear of rejection or discrimination can make it difficult to put oneself out there, especially in environments that are not explicitly friendly towards gay men. Additionally, the gay dating scene has its own unique social norms and expectations, which can be intimidating for someone who is newly out. I can recall the first time I stepped into a gay bar in London – aged 20. It was a frightening experience and everyone seemed so old or at least they appeared to be through the thick smoke emanating from their cigarettes.
Social Isolation and Loneliness
In some cases, the relationship challenges faced after coming out can lead to social isolation and loneliness. If a gay man experiences rejection from family, friends, or potential romantic partners, he may find himself feeling disconnected and alone. This sense of isolation can be exacerbated if he lives in a community where gay male identities are not widely accepted or visible. I often think of my friends in Lebanon who are gay but who haven’t come out to family and who are expected to live with their families until they marry a woman. That was one of the reasons why I set up this podcast in order to empower men who live in less welcoming societies.
To combat this, many gay men seek out gay communities where they can find support, acceptance, and understanding. These communities can provide a crucial sense of belonging and connection, helping to alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Next let’s turn to Mental Health Concerns.
Mental Health Concerns
It is an unfortunate truth that gay men face more mental health challenges than their straight counterpart although bisexual men, for some reason, face greater body image issues.
Mental health concerns can significantly impact gay men after they have come out, often as a result of the complex emotional, social, and psychological challenges that accompany this process. While coming out can be a liberating and affirming experience, it can also expose individuals to various stressors that can affect their mental well-being. These concerns can manifest in different ways, including anxiety, depression, internalized homophobia, and substance abuse, all of which can have profound effects on a gay man’s overall mental health.
Anxiety and Depression
Before coming out gay men can face anxiety and depression but guess what? After coming out, gay men may continue, or even begin to have, heightened levels of anxiety and depression. The process of coming out often involves facing potential rejection, discrimination, or stigmatization from family, friends, and society at large. The fear of negative reactions and the uncertainty of how others will respond can lead to chronic stress, which, in turn, can contribute to anxiety disorders. Gay men might worry about losing important relationships, facing hostility at work or in their communities, or being treated differently because of their sexual orientation.
Depression is another common mental health concern that can arise after coming out. The emotional toll of dealing with rejection or feeling misunderstood can lead to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness. For some, the experience of coming out may also bring to the surface past traumas related to their identity, further exacerbating depressive symptoms. Additionally, if a gay man loses the support of loved ones, he may feel isolated and lonely, which can deepen feelings of depression.
Now we turn to a recurrent unwelcome guest in this podcast: Internalized Homophobia
Internalized homophobia refers to the internalization of negative societal attitudes and beliefs about homosexuality. Despite coming out and accepting their sexual orientation, many gay men still struggle with internalized homophobia, which can severely impact their mental health. This internal conflict often stems from growing up in a society that stigmatizes or marginalizes gay individuals. Even after coming out, these negative messages can persist, leading to self-doubt, shame, and a lack of self-worth.
Internalized homophobia can manifest in various ways, such as difficulty accepting oneself fully, engaging in self-destructive behaviors, or struggling to form healthy relationships. It can also contribute to feelings of guilt or shame about one’s sexuality, making it harder to experience genuine self-acceptance and fulfillment. Internalised homophobia can also result in a man, who has just come out, to criticise other members of the gay community. He might have been disparaging about men he perceived as effeminate and who he had previously described using the ‘f’ word. He might continue this attitude in his new life just to affirm his own sexual identity.
Substance Abuse
As well as a higher tendency to be affected by mental illness, gay men are statistically more likely to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. It is a huge concern that can affect gay men after coming out, often as a way to cope with the stress, anxiety, and emotional pain associated with the challenges of being openly gay. The pressure to fit into social norms, the need to alleviate feelings of isolation, or the desire to escape from negative emotions can lead some individuals to turn to alcohol or drugs.
It can be easily understood why a gay man might fall into the trap of substance abuse. Social isolation might encourage him to seek solace in alcohol or pills. If he lives in a large town or city then the way for him to reconcile his new identity with himself might be via the gay bar. And let’s face it, if someone orders an orange juice there then it will probably be frowned upon. Interestingly, I met two of my significant others in bars. One in Quebec City and the other in London.
Unfortunately, substance abuse can quickly become a detrimental coping mechanism, leading to addiction and further complicating mental health issues.
Coping Strategies and Support
Despite these challenges, there are ways to mitigate the mental health concerns that may arise after coming out. Seeking help from a gay life coach to gain clarity can be a valuable tool for addressing issues like anxiety, depression, and internalized homophobia. A gay life coach such as myself can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate these complex emotions.
So, to conclude:
We need to bear in mind that mental health concerns are a significant aspect of the coming-out process for many gay men. The challenges of dealing with anxiety, depression, internalized homophobia, social isolation, and potential substance abuse can take a toll on one’s mental well-being. However, by seeking professional support, building a strong community, and practicing self-care, gay men can navigate these challenges and work toward a healthier, more fulfilling life post-coming out.
8. Career and Professional Challenges
Coming out as a gay man is a monumental and often liberating experience, but it can also introduce a host of career and professional challenges. Despite progress in rights, gay men can still face discrimination, bias, and other obstacles in the workplace after coming out. These challenges can affect everything from day-to-day interactions with colleagues to long-term career advancement and leadership opportunities. Understanding these challenges and developing strategies to navigate them is crucial for maintaining a successful and fulfilling professional life.
Workplace Discrimination and Bias
One of the most significant challenges gay men may encounter after coming out is workplace discrimination. Discrimination can take many forms, from overt acts like harassment to more subtle issues like being passed over for promotions or not being included in key projects. Even in workplaces that claim to be inclusive, unconscious bias can lead to unequal treatment of gay employees. This bias can manifest in assumptions about a gay man's abilities, interests, or fit within the company culture.
For instance, some colleagues or supervisors might unconsciously perceive gay men as less capable of handling leadership roles, particularly in industries traditionally dominated by heteronormative values. This can result in gay men being overlooked for promotions or important assignments, limiting their career growth. Moreover, the fear of encountering such bias can lead some gay men to hide their sexual orientation at work, which can cause significant stress and hinder their ability to form genuine connections with colleagues.
I have already laid out the story of my own coming out as a teacher. I felt so strong but then I was suspended, and subsequently cleared without prejudice, for inappropriate behaviour towards a male colleague. I thought I had built a resilient and strong supportive group around me but I let my guard down. I was faced with an allegation and the Headteacher read out the letter that he had been sent. But I knew instantly that it hadn’t been the colleague who had written it. On the paper I could actually make out the scent of another colleague who was a practising Roman Catholic and who was horribly narrow minded. She would have dictated that letter. I told the Headteacher what I suspected. I was reinstated but the woman behind it carried on for a while. My advice would be to never let your guard down.
Lack of Inclusion and Belonging
Even in the absence of outright discrimination, a lack of inclusion can pose significant challenges. Gay men may find themselves in workplace environments where they do not feel fully accepted or understood. This lack of belonging can be especially pronounced in industries or companies where diversity initiatives are underdeveloped or non-existent. In such environments, gay men might struggle to find common ground with colleagues or to participate fully in workplace culture.
A closeted man might have to change the gender of pronouns he uses when in a social setting with colleagues. Or, if he’s already married to a woman he might have introduced her to workmates. What happens therefore when he comes out and those working with him realise he had either been lying or hadn’t been open to himself. That will require time for everyone involved to make adjustments.
Therefore, as a result, gay men might miss out on important opportunities to build relationships and advance their careers.
Challenges in Career Advancement and Leadership
After coming out, gay men might also face challenges in advancing their careers or attaining leadership positions. Despite increasing visibility and acceptance, there is still a significant underrepresentation of openly gay individuals in senior leadership roles. This underrepresentation can be attributed to a variety of factors, including discrimination, bias, and the additional scrutiny that gay leaders often face.
For example, gay men in leadership positions might feel pressure to conform to traditional expectations of masculinity or to downplay their sexual orientation to be taken seriously. This pressure can be exhausting and may hinder their ability to lead authentically.
There has nevertheless been an increase in the number of gay men who are at the top of their profession such as Anderson Cooper and Tim Cook and I frequently quote the latter on the experience of coming out:
“It’s been tough and uncomfortable at times, but it has given me the confidence to be myself, to follow my own path, and to rise above adversity and bigotry. It’s also given me the skin of a rhinoceros, which comes in handy when you’re the CEO of Apple.”
But what about the average guy, possibly middle or lower management? Those are the ones who might face the backlash.
Strategies for Overcoming Challenges
Despite these challenges, there are strategies that gay men can use to navigate their professional lives successfully after coming out. Seeking out inclusive employers with strong diversity and inclusion policies is crucial. These environments are more likely to provide the support needed to thrive professionally.
And as I have written many times before, know your employment rights! That knowledge will empower you.
So to conclude:
After coming out, gay men may face a variety of career and professional challenges, including discrimination, lack of inclusion, and obstacles to career advancement. However, by seeking out supportive environments, building strong networks, and embracing authenticity, they can overcome these challenges and thrive in their professional lives.
Financial Stability
Coming out can have significant financial implications. Gay men, after coming out, may encounter challenges that can affect their financial stability, ranging from workplace discrimination and social exclusion to increased costs associated with healthcare and legal protections. Understanding these potential impacts is crucial for those navigating life post-coming out, as well as for creating strategies to safeguard financial well-being.
Workplace Discrimination and Job Security
One of the most direct ways in which coming out as gay can affect financial stability is through workplace discrimination. Although many countries have made strides in protecting rights for gay men, discrimination in the workplace still exists. Gay men may face subtle or overt bias from employers or colleagues, which can lead to being passed over for promotions, unfair treatment, or even job loss.
For example, in regions without strong legal protections, gay men might find themselves in workplaces where coming out could jeopardize their job security. The fear of losing a job or being denied career advancement opportunities can have long-term financial consequences, such as reduced earning potential and limited career growth. Additionally, being forced to seek employment in less discriminatory environments may mean accepting lower-paying jobs or moving to more expensive cities with better protections for gay individuals, both of which can strain financial resources.
Social Exclusion and Financial Support Networks
Coming out can also lead to social exclusion, which in turn can impact financial stability. In some cases, gay men may face rejection or estrangement from family members who previously provided financial support. This can be particularly challenging for younger individuals who may still be financially dependent on their families for education, housing, or other essentials.
What happens for instance if you’re a young gay man living at home and decide to come out? Things could either work out in a positive manner or all too often a hostile and a negative reaction arises where you find yourself out on the street. In the UK nearly a quarter of homeless people between the ages of 16-25 identify themselves as gay. That’s why charities such as the Albert Kennedy Trust are so important. The sudden loss of this support can create immediate financial pressures and force individuals to become financially independent before they are fully prepared.
Moreover, social exclusion can extend to social networks that often serve as informal safety nets in times of financial need. Friends or colleagues who may have once offered financial assistance, advice, or networking opportunities might distance themselves after a person comes out. This loss of social capital can make it more difficult to navigate financial challenges, find new job opportunities, or access resources that could help stabilize one’s financial situation.
Increased Costs for Legal and Healthcare Needs
After coming out, gay men may also face increased costs related to legal and healthcare needs. Legal protections for gay individuals are not uniform across all regions or indeed countries, and in some cases, gay men may need to invest in legal services to ensure their rights are protected. This could include drafting wills, securing powers of attorney, or navigating the complexities of adopting children with a same-sex partner. These legal expenses can add up and place a strain on financial resources.
Healthcare costs can also be higher for gay men, particularly those who may face mental health challenges such as anxiety or depression related to coming out and dealing with societal stigma. Accessing healthcare providers, therapists, or support groups might involve out-of-pocket expenses not covered by insurance. Additionally, if a gay man is in a relationship, he may need to pay for health insurance coverage for his partner if they are not eligible for benefits through an employer.
Housing and Community Costs
Housing is another area where financial stability can be impacted. In some regions, gay men may find it difficult to secure housing in areas where discrimination is prevalent. They may feel compelled to live in more gay friendly neighborhoods, which are often more expensive due to their desirability and safety. The higher cost of living in these areas can significantly impact financial stability, especially for those on tight budgets.
So, to conclude:
Coming out as a gay man can have profound implications for a man’s financial stability. From workplace discrimination and social exclusion to increased legal and healthcare costs, the challenges are significant. However, with careful planning, support, and resilience, it is possible to navigate these challenges and maintain financial security while living authentically.
Next we look at Long-Term Life Planning
Coming out and the desire to live an authentic life introduce new considerations into long-term life planning. The decision to live openly can affect various aspects of life, from financial stability and career prospects to relationships and health. While coming out can pave the way for an authentic life, it also necessitates thoughtful planning to address the unique challenges that may arise.
Financial Planning and Stability
One of the most significant areas impacted by coming out is financial planning. Gay men may face discrimination in the workplace, leading to challenges in securing stable employment or advancing in their careers. This can affect long-term financial goals, such as saving for retirement, buying a home, or building an investment portfolio.
Moreover, gay men may need to consider additional expenses related to legal protections and healthcare. For example, securing legal documents like wills, powers of attorney, and healthcare directives becomes crucial, especially in regions where gay rights are not fully protected or respected. These legal expenses, along with potential healthcare costs related to mental health support or LGBTQ+-affirming care, can add to the financial burden. Therefore, long-term financial planning must account for these unique needs, ensuring that there are sufficient resources to cover both expected and unexpected expenses.
Relationship and Family Planning
Long-term life planning for gay men often involves unique considerations around relationships and family planning. For those who wish to have children, the path to parenthood may involve adoption, surrogacy, or other assisted reproductive technologies, all of which can be costly and legally complex. Navigating these options requires careful financial planning and legal preparation.
Health and Well-being
Long-term health and well-being are also critical considerations. After coming out, gay men may face increased risks of mental health challenges due to societal stigma, discrimination, or social isolation. Ensuring access to competent healthcare providers and mental health professionals is essential for maintaining overall well-being. This may require additional planning and resources, especially if such services are not readily available in their area.
Additionally, long-term planning must consider the potential need for elder care. Gay individuals often face challenges as they age, including discrimination in healthcare settings and a lack of LGBTQ+-friendly elder care options. Planning for these eventualities, such as identifying inclusive care facilities or securing long-term care insurance, is crucial for ensuring a safe and supportive environment in later years. I was thrilled when an American friend of told me he and his husband were going to move to a gay village.
Social and Community Involvement
Finally, social and community involvement plays a vital role in long-term life planning. After coming out, gay men may find themselves seeking new communities that offer acceptance and support. Engaging with gay organizations, advocacy groups, or social networks can provide a sense of belonging and purpose. These connections not only offer emotional support but can also be valuable for career networking, legal advice, and other aspects of life planning.
So, to conclude:
The decision to come out as a gay man has profound implications for long-term life planning. From financial stability and career development to relationships, health, and community involvement, gay men must navigate a complex landscape of challenges and opportunities. By proactively addressing these areas, and seeking out supportive environments and resources, gay men can create a long-term plan that aligns with their authentic selves and secures their future well-being.
These two episodes have been a marathon task to research, write, host and edit but I hope that you have enjoyed listening to this episode on Empowering Gay Men and the second part of Post Coming Out.
In the next episode of Empowering Gay Men, the podcast I will be focusing on how life coaching can assist a gay man after coming out. I hope you will enjoy that one too.
In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:
empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
And please do so if you have been affected personally with this issue and need to work through it with a professional life coach. I offer sessions on a one to one basis or in a group.
I became an accredited Life Coach through an organisation called Coaching Masters. If you are interested in a career in Life Coachng then I would recommend them.
There is a referral link below if you would like to contact them.
https://thecoachingmasters.com/exclusive-masterclass/c/0u4jf
https://thecoachingmasters.com/membership/c/0u4jf
In the next episode of Empowering Gay Men, the podcast I will be focusing on how ADHD can affect gay men. This will be followed by an episode investigating how life coaching techniques can be used to counter it.
In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:
empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
And please do so if you have been affected personally with this issue and need to work through it with a professional Life Coach. I offer sessions on a one to one basis or in a group.
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Wishing you always an empowered life.
Alan
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