Procrastination in gay men.

In this episode Alan Cox, an internationally accredited Life Coach and certified CBT practitioner, examines the subject of procrastination.
He sets out a definition; investigates its origins and looks at how it shows itself in a toxic manner.
The follow up episode will be setting out how life coaching techniques can be used to counter procrastination so gay men can lead an empowered life.

Transcript

PROCRASTINATION.

Hello, and welcome back to Empowering Gay Men the podcast dedicated to celebrating the diverse lives, experiences, and achievements of gay men around the world. I’m your host, Alan Cox, and I work as a life coach with gay men. …..

In a world where the voices of gay men have often been marginalized or silenced, this podcast aims to create a vibrant space where we can share our stories, celebrate our successes, and confront the unique challenges we face. 

But this podcast is more than just a series of conversations or questions. I want it to be a community, a support system, and a source of strength for anyone who identifies as a gay man or as an ally.

In today’s episode, I want to examine the subject of procrastination and how it affects the lives of gay men. We will look at a definition of procrastination; trace its origins and see how it manifests itself as an issue for gay men. The follow up episode will set out how issues surrounding procrastination can be tackled through life coaching.

But first of all, let’s look at a definition:

Procrastination in gay men refers to the habitual delay or avoidance of tasks, decisions, or responsibilities, which can be influenced by unique social, psychological, and cultural factors related to being a gay man. While procrastination is a common behavior in many people, certain aspects of the experiences and challenges faced by gay men can contribute to its prevalence or manifestation in specific ways.

But what are the origins of procrastination?

Basically, there are so many and even the ones listed in this podcast could be added to. 

The origins of procrastination in gay men are multifaceted, deeply rooted in internalized homophobia, minority stress, fear of judgment, perfectionism, identity struggles, media influences, lack of support systems, and social comparisons. These factors create a complex web of emotional and psychological challenges that can make it difficult for gay men to engage with and complete tasks. Addressing these underlying issues through tailored strategies and support is crucial in mitigating procrastination and fostering a healthier, more productive life.

Internalized Homophobia:

Internalized homophobia, the process by which gay men internalize society's negative attitudes towards homosexuality, plays a significant role in the procrastination experienced by gay men. The subject of internalised homophobia has been covered in two previous episodes of the podcast.

This self-directed stigma often results in diminished self-esteem and self-worth. When societal rejection and discrimination are internalized, gay men may begin to doubt their capabilities and worthiness. This self-doubt can manifest as procrastination, where tasks are delayed or avoided altogether due to a fear of failure or judgment.

For example, a gay man might hesitate to pursue a promotion at work because he fears his colleagues' reactions to his sexual orientation. This hesitation can stem from a deep-seated belief that he is not as competent or deserving as his heterosexual peers, a belief rooted in internalized homophobia. Over time, these feelings can lead to chronic procrastination as a way to avoid situations that might trigger these negative emotions.

Then there is minority stress:

Minority stress, the chronic stress faced by members of stigmatized minority groups, is another critical factor contributing to procrastination among gay men. This stress arises from external sources such as discrimination, prejudice, and societal rejection. The constant need to navigate a world that may not fully accept them can result in heightened anxiety and depression, both of which are closely linked to procrastination.

The mental and emotional energy required to cope with these external pressures can deplete the resources needed to focus on tasks and responsibilities. For instance, the fear of encountering homophobia at work or in social settings can be so overwhelming that it leads to avoidance behaviors, with procrastination being a primary coping mechanism.

Now we have fear of judgment and rejection:

Fear of judgment and rejection is a significant factor in the procrastination experienced by many gay men. Whether in personal, professional, or social contexts, the fear of being judged or rejected for their sexual orientation can be paralyzing. This fear often leads to avoidance behaviors, where individuals put off tasks that might expose them to criticism or scrutiny. Procrastination becomes a protective mechanism, albeit an ineffective one, to avoid potential negative outcomes.

For example, a gay man might delay coming out to his family or colleagues due to the fear of their reactions. This delay is a form of procrastination driven by the fear of judgment and rejection, which can also extend to other areas of his life, such as career advancement or pursuing personal goals.

Perfectionism and Self-Expectations:

Many gay men, in an effort to counteract perceived flaws or gain acceptance, may develop perfectionist tendencies. The desire to meet high standards or appear flawless can create immense pressure. When tasks seem too daunting or the possibility of not achieving perfection looms large, procrastination can serve as a way to avoid the stress associated with potential imperfection.

This perfectionism is often rooted in a need for validation and acceptance, both from within the gay community and the broader society. For instance, the pressure to maintain a certain physique or lifestyle can lead to procrastination in other areas of life, such as career or personal development, as the individual becomes preoccupied with meeting these high standards. This area too has been covered in two previous episodes focusing on a lack of self-love.

On a personal level, I have learned about the importance of accepting a B- grade in large areas of my life. I know that if I always strove towards an A grade in everything then nothing would ultimately be achieved. I would burn out. For instance, I know there are mistakes in this podcast. I might have mumbled something or hesitated but I also know I was born with a major speech impediment and had intensive speech therapy until I was in my teens. But the important thing is that the message gets out there. If I aimed at hosting a perfect podcast from the point of view of speech then it would never happen. 

Now we turn to identity and acceptance:

The process of coming to terms with one’s sexual orientation and seeking acceptance is a deeply personal and often challenging journey. This journey can involve significant emotional turmoil, self-reflection, and societal pressures. The energy and focus required to navigate these aspects of identity can detract from the ability to manage day-to-day responsibilities effectively, leading to procrastination.

Furthermore, societal rejection or familial non-acceptance can exacerbate these struggles, making it harder to maintain motivation and focus. For example, a gay man dealing with rejection from his family might find it difficult to concentrate on work or personal projects, leading to procrastination. Coming out and how it can be tackled by using life coaching techniques has been covered in two previous episodes and interestingly the whole topic of coming out has been the most listened to.

There are also media and societal Influences:

Media and societal influences play a significant role in shaping body image and self-perception among gay men. The portrayal of idealized body types and lifestyles can create unrealistic standards that many feel pressured to meet. This pressure can lead to procrastination as individuals struggle with feelings of inadequacy or the belief that they must first attain these ideals before engaging in certain activities or pursuing goals.

For instance, the constant exposure to images of perfectly toned bodies and glamorous lifestyles in gay media can make some men feel that they are not good enough. This feeling of inadequacy can result in procrastination as they delay taking actions that they believe they are not yet "ready" for. A lack of self-love has been covered in two previous episodes as well as dealing with a poor body image.

Lack of Support Systems:

A supportive environment is crucial for personal development and tackling challenges. Gay men who lack strong support systems, whether due to family rejection or inadequate social networks, may feel isolated and unsupported. This isolation can exacerbate feelings of helplessness and decrease motivation, contributing to procrastination.

The absence of encouragement and positive reinforcement can make it more difficult to initiate and sustain effort toward achieving goals. For instance, without a supportive family or friends, a gay man might procrastinate on significant life decisions or career moves, feeling unsure and unsupported in his choices.

Impact of Social Comparisons:

Social comparisons within the gay community can also lead to procrastination. Gay men might compare themselves to peers who they perceive as more successful, attractive, or accepted. These comparisons can foster a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt, leading to procrastination as a way to avoid confronting these feelings.

For example, seeing friends who appear to have perfect relationships or successful careers can make a gay man feel that he is falling short. This can lead to procrastination as he delays taking steps in his own life, feeling overwhelmed by the perceived gap between his reality and the ideal he sees in others. When I was undertaking my CBT training the facilitator said the only person we should ever compare ourselves to is us. We can compare how far we have progressed in various stages of our development but it is a retrograde step to judge ourselves against other people.

Now that we have examined the origins of procrastination, let’s turn to how It manifests itself.

Procrastination in gay men manifests in various aspects of life, influenced by unique social, psychological, and cultural factors. From avoiding social situations and delaying coming out to neglecting health, wellness, and self-care, the manifestations of procrastination are multifaceted and often interconnected. It is like a complex spiderweb. Understanding these manifestations is crucial for developing effective strategies to address and overcome procrastination, ultimately fostering a healthier, more fulfilling life for gay men. Addressing the root causes of procrastination, such as internalized homophobia, minority stress, and fear of judgment, is essential in breaking the cycle and promoting well-being and personal growth.

1. Avoidance of Social Situations:

One common manifestation of procrastination in gay men is the avoidance of social situations. This behavior can be rooted in fear of judgment or rejection based on sexual orientation. Gay men may delay or avoid attending social events, particularly those involving new or unfamiliar people, due to anxiety about how they will be perceived.

For instance, a gay man might procrastinate on accepting invitations to parties or networking events because he is concerned about encountering homophobia or feeling out of place. This avoidance can lead to missed opportunities for personal and professional growth, reinforcing feelings of isolation and low self-esteem.

2. Delay in Coming Out:

Procrastination often plays a significant role in the decision to come out. The process of coming out can be fraught with fear and uncertainty, leading many gay men to postpone this crucial step. The fear of negative reactions from family, friends, or colleagues can cause significant stress and anxiety, resulting in procrastination.

A gay man might continually put off having conversations about his sexuality, waiting for what he perceives as the "right" moment, which may never seem to arrive. This delay can cause ongoing stress and hinder the development of authentic relationships and self-acceptance. I personally don’t believe there is any such thing as ‘the right moment.’ I didn’t come out to my family until I was 32 and didn’t do so to colleagues until about the same age. Fear of rejection or career regression played a major role in this.

3. Health and Wellness Neglect:

Procrastination in health and wellness is another area where it manifests in gay men. Concerns about body image, driven by societal and community pressures to conform to certain ideals, can lead to avoidance behaviors. For example, some gay men might procrastinate on starting a fitness regimen or seeking medical advice due to feelings of inadequacy or fear of judgment.

Additionally, mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, which are more prevalent among gay men due to minority stress, can exacerbate procrastination. Delaying seeking help for these issues can lead to a decline in overall well-being, making it harder to break the cycle of procrastination. Unfortunately, as a community, we are still more liable to self-medicate with tablets or alcohol and are at a greater risk of suicide than out straight counterparts.

4. Career Advancement Delays:

In the professional realm, procrastination can significantly impact career advancement for gay men. Fear of discrimination or feeling unsupported in the workplace can lead to hesitancy in pursuing promotions, new job opportunities, or further education. This can stem from a lack of confidence or fear of not being accepted in more prominent roles.

A gay man might delay applying for a leadership position because he doubts his ability to fit into the corporate culture or fears potential bias from colleagues and superiors. So much of corporate life relies on talking about one’s spouse but what if that spouse is of the same gender?

This procrastination can limit career growth and satisfaction, perpetuating a cycle of underachievement and self-doubt.

I quote the American CEO Tim Cook frequently:

Coming out ‘’has given me the confidence to be myself, to follow my own path, and to rise above adversity and bigotry. It's also given me the skin of a rhinoceros, which comes in handy when you're the CEO of Apple."

5. Relationship Challenges

Procrastination can also affect personal relationships, particularly romantic ones. Fear of vulnerability and rejection can cause gay men to delay initiating or fully committing to relationships. This hesitation can be rooted in past experiences of discrimination or internalized homophobia.

For example, a gay man might procrastinate on asking someone out or expressing deeper feelings in a relationship, fearing rejection or emotional pain. This avoidance can lead to missed opportunities for meaningful connections and perpetuate feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

6. Academic Procrastination:

In academic settings, procrastination can manifest as delaying assignments, studying, or participating in school activities. The pressure to conform to social norms and the fear of standing out as different can contribute to anxiety and avoidance behaviors. Gay students might procrastinate on group projects or class participation due to fear of judgment or exclusion by peers.

This academic procrastination can hinder educational achievement and peronal development, leading to a negative cycle of stress and underperformance. It can also impact long-term career prospects and self-esteem, as academic success is often linked to future opportunities.

7. Avoidance of Self-Care:

Self-care is crucial for overall well-being, but procrastination can lead to neglect in this area as well. Gay men might delay engaging in self-care practices, such as meditation, hobbies, or leisure activities, due to the pressures of conforming to societal expectations or dealing with internal conflicts.

For instance, the stress of dealing with societal prejudice or personal identity issues might cause a gay man to procrastinate on taking time for self-reflection and relaxation. This neglect can exacerbate stress and mental health issues, creating a vicious cycle where procrastination further harms well-being.

8. Perfectionism and Procrastination:

I have already touched on the area of perfectionism which is a common trait among those who procrastinate, and it can be particularly pronounced in gay men due to societal pressures to appear flawless. The desire to meet unrealistic standards can lead to chronic procrastination as tasks are delayed out of fear of not achieving perfection.

For example, a gay man might procrastinate on creative projects or professional tasks because he feels that his work must be perfect to be accepted. This perfectionism-driven procrastination can stifle creativity and productivity, leading to frustration and decreased self-esteem.

9. Financial Procrastination:

Financial management can also be an area where procrastination manifests. Gay men may delay addressing financial matters due to stress or lack of knowledge, particularly if they have faced financial instability or discrimination in the past. Procrastination in this area can lead to missed payments, poor credit scores, and financial insecurity.  

For instance, avoiding budgeting, investing, or even discussing financial goals can result in long-term negative consequences. This financial procrastination can add to the stress and anxiety already prevalent due to other factors, compounding the overall impact on well-being.

I have to admit, I have a deep hatred of filling in forms and I have to literally force myself to do so. Yet, after I have finished filling something in I am left with a whole series of questions based on what the actual issue was all about. Why had I hesitated?

10. Cultural and Community Influences:

Cultural and community influences play a significant role in shaping behavior, including procrastination. Within the gay community, there may be specific expectations and norms that contribute to procrastination. The pressure to conform to these expectations, whether related to appearance, lifestyle, or social behavior, can lead to avoidance behaviors.

A gay man might procrastinate on pursuing personal interests or goals that do not align with perceived community norms, fearing judgment or exclusion. This can result in a lack of fulfillment and authenticity, as individuals delay actions that are true to their desires and aspirations.

This section of the podcast covered ten ways in which procrastination can manifest itself.

I do hope you have enjoyed this episode examining procrastination in gay men.

In this episode I set out a definition of procrastination, I traced the origins of procrastination and I showed how procrastination affects gay men’s lives.

I also identified some of the ways that I have been affected by procrastination on a personal level.

As a life coach working with gay men though I don’t want members of my community to be in a stuck position.  

So, in our next episode we will be looking at how life coaching can be used to support gay men who are struggling with issues surrounding procrastination. It would also be a good idea to relisten to the episodes on how life coaching can tackle internalised homophobia and a lack of self-love.

 I became an accredited Life Coach through an organisation called Coaching Masters. If you are interested in a career in Life Coachng then I would recommend them.

There is a referral link below if you would like to contact them.

https://thecoachingmasters.com/exclusive-masterclass/c/0u4jf

https://thecoachingmasters.com/membership/c/0u4jf

In the next episode of Empowering Gay Men, the podcast I will be focusing on how ADHD can affect gay men. This will be followed by an episode investigating how life coaching techniques can be used to counter it.

In the meantime, please feel free to contact me on:

empoweringgaymen@gmail.com

And please do so if you have been affected personally with this issue and need to work through it with a professional Life Coach. I offer sessions on a one to one basis or in a group.  

or leave a comment on our Facebook page: Empowering Gay Men, the Podcast.

Or you can book a discovery call via the website: Empowering Gay Men.

And if you have enjoyed this episode then why not consider supporting me in the work I do by becoming a sponsor? You can do so via Buzzsprout for as little as $3.00.

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And please tell your friends about this podcast. In fact, tell everyone!

 Let’s start building that strong and resilient community together.

Wishing you always an empowered life.

Alan

For further information:  Please email me at:

empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
 
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