This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to episode 37 of Discount Storytime. This story is Brick by Brick. When parts of my house go missing, I'm on the case, sort of Enjoy. I'm on the case, sort of Enjoy. After college and a few lousy starter jobs, I finally got a nice job that let me afford my first house. It was outside of town, a bit and small, but it was mine. It was a sweet little brick home with plenty of windows, with green shutters and a green front door. The inside was well, some would say small but I would say cozy, with a wood-burning fireplace and everything. Really, I don't know why people buy big, huge mansions. To me that seems like a lot of vacuuming, but they say that's what money does to people. It makes them love vacuuming.
Coffee:One day after work I stopped by to visit my neighbor, frank, who lived down a ways. Frank was pouring foundation on a spot near his house. I asked what he was doing and he just grunted Big plans, big plans. Sometimes Frank would come over and visit me even if I wasn't at home, and he brought over a ladder, which I thought was nice, even though I don't remember asking to borrow one. He would sit on my roof and drink lemonade, then leave after making some loud ripping sounds and hurriedly putting a roofing-tiles-shaped lemonade pitcher in the back of his truck. This went on for a few weeks. I couldn't figure out why he was doing that, but I didn't give it much thought. Then one night, as I lied in bed and looked up at the cloudy night sky, I thought maybe Frank is up to something. But then I got distracted because lightning flashed and cold rain drenched my bed.
Coffee:Frank started visiting me frequently. Like every day, we would drink lemonade and talk and catch up. He was a good listener. I would tell Frank about my day at work, my struggles and my dreams, and Frank would grunt "uh-huh while measuring the rooms in my house. It was nice to have the company, but I noticed each time he left his overalls were sagging, as if he had something heavy in his pockets. Sometimes there were window-frame-shaped bulges in his overalls. I didn't say anything, of course, because I don't like to be rude to guests, even if they are neighbors.
Coffee:Shortly after I worried I was working too hard at my job and work stress was making me tired and forgetful. The reason I say that is it seemed I had misplaced all the windows in my house. I thought I had kept them in the walls you know where windows are supposed to be but they were gone. I checked the couch, cushions and everything and no luck. Oh well, I thought they will turn up eventually. Then one day I heard someone yelling "knock, knock at my front door. I went to open the door but to my relief I didn't have to go through the tedious rigmarole of turning a handle and pulling a door open, because the door was gone. Now, where the heck did I put that? Oh, maybe under the couch and not the cushions? I'll check there next.
Coffee:But it was a delivery person. I recognized her from town. She worked with one of the construction companies in town and we sometimes got our morning coffee at the same time in our little town square coffee shop. She had large brown eyes and curly dark hair. She had a cute smile and always said hi to me, but we never talked much more than that. She drove a large truck filled with roofing, felt concrete for bricklaying, screws and nails, buckets of paint and all sorts of building things I didn't recognize. "Oh hi, I'm Tina, you're from the coffee shop. Well, not from the coffee shop, but we both get morning coffee there. I smiled and she blushed. Anyway, I'm here to deliver your house reassembly kit, are you? She checked her papers.
Coffee:"Frank McHouse, steely,
Coffee:"no, I'm Coffee McCann. Frank is my neighbor. He lives down the street that way. What did you say the kit is
Coffee:"We sell house reassembly kits. That's when you have all the main parts of a house but you need the little sticky bits and what such to put it all together." She looked at me and looked at the door, or where the door should be. She then looked at me and the empty door frame, the empty windows frame, the empty roof and the missing parts of walls. No-transcript,
Coffee:"Oh, I get it A house reassembly kit. I said so as not to appear stupid
Coffee:"well
Coffee:"yeah back, so I bet he found house pieces somewhere. Jeez, I wish I had that kind of luck, because I keep misplacing all my house pieces. Um well, perhaps Frank would be someone you should talk to then. To
Coffee:talk to Frank. She said again slowly while nodding her head. She said again slowly while nodding her head yeah, maybe he has good "well from a monkey paw or something. I used to have a good luck monkey paw, or I thought it
Coffee:crime scene evidence. Tina laughed and her dimples showed. Now it was my turn to blush. We talked for a while
Coffee:,
Coffee:mostly small talk. Tina finally said well, I've got to go See you at the coffee shop, I hope, and swished back to her truck. I would have asked for her phone number. Back to her truck, I would have asked for her phone number, but I haven't felt lucky ever since the FBI took back my monkey paw.
Coffee:That evening, after Frank came over for lemonade and conversation, I sat on my couch and looked at my favorite painting. It was hanging crooked, probably because it hung on a stick in the ground instead of on the wall that used to be there. I thought about the missing wall and then an idea came to'appliance me gusts.' of course. How stupid of me.
Coffee:I raced to my bedroom and checked my laundry basket. I went through every pocket on every pair of pants and couldn't"When find walls or a roof or doors or windows. Well, it was worth a shot. While putting my pants back
Coffee:into the laundry basket,
Coffee:"A noticed how dirty my white socks had gotten lately"And
Coffee:And again
Coffee:"A the wood flooring and padding
Coffee:was and
Coffee:"A I was
Coffee:walking on concrete
Coffee:"perhaps foundation. Man
Coffee:, that is
Coffee:"Frank to
Coffee:be a pain to vacuum and I think you, dear listener, know my feelings about vacuuming by now.
Coffee:The following day was really windy. I didn't realize how windy it was until I got home from work and noticed the wind had blown my whole house frame away. Also, the wind blew away my furniture, tv and appliances. That's the kind of winds we get here in the country. You've probably heard the term appliance gusts Now you know what it means. As I went to sleep that night on the cold, hard concrete foundation, I thought about Tina and what she said. When someone say a neighbor has or takes all the parts of a house and then reassembles that house for themselves, I ran through it again A neighbor takes all the parts of a house. And again A neighbor takes a house. And again A neighbor. And again, perhaps Frank, and again Frank. It was almost as if she was trying to tell me something. I was forming an idea before a family of raccoons attacked me and I forgot all about it. The next day I called my home insurance company to report everything that blew away by the wind, but they said there was no report of high winds in my area and they wouldn't cover it. Of course, always sticking it to the little guy, insurance companies, jeez.
Coffee:That evening, while fighting off raccoons for the last graham cracker, I realized Frank hadn't been over to visit for a while. Then it hit me, not hitting me like the raccoons were hitting and scratching me, but hitting me like an idea hitting me,
Coffee:"Howdy frank. How could I be so stupid? If anyone has been
Coffee:"Hi parts of my house, frank would have seen something. I tried calling him but my phone was gone, so I decided to drive over.
Coffee:"Oh next morning, after a night of fitful sleep and raccoon attacks, I drove over to Frank's house. He was sitting on a front porch
Coffee:"Huh but not the porch of his regular house but of a second house where he had been pouring foundation. Howdy, he
Coffee:said, probably the most chipper I'd a seen him frank,"What say what you got there? I asked, pointing to the sweet
Coffee:little - ! m
Coffee:"give home with plenty of windows, with green shutters and a green
Coffee:door. Oh, this, oh, just "Oh little project I've been working on, been meaning to build a second home, but didn't have the parts. Huh, that sure looks like my house, you know. And somebody came by a while back delivering a house reassembly kit. Frank's smile faltered, but just for a second. Here's that show. What a coincidence, because this here is my
Coffee:house, it's on my ,".
Coffee:Frank, who it dawned on me Frank, stole my house, 'no' it back, frank, that's my "And and you know it. Frank got mad, like really mad. Oh, you think so Let me tell you what, college boy, you ain't built nothing for yourself, sunshine, you and your kind, just come up and bye, bye, bye. Well, I ain't giving it back because I've worked for this. I stole every inch of this house, fair and square. Now you get off my property now. No, I'm calling the sheriff, I said, who seemed like someone who wasn't used to being told no, screamed at me in rage. And what are you going to say? Mean old man, stole my house. How can you even prove it's your house? It's on my property and possession is nine-tenths of something-something. Now get out, I've had enough, I'm going inside.
Coffee:Frank got up and marched to the front door of his house, or mine, I should say. He went inside and gave me the middle finger. Then he screamed once more and when I didn't budge he slammed the door as hard as he could. Then there was almost silence. Almost.
Coffee:The house
Coffee:started vibrating and creaking. Tiles slipped off the roof. I don't know if bricks can shimmy, but it sure looked like a lot of brick shimmying going on. Then the house gave a loud groan as if it had a bad stomach ache. Then the whole thing toppled down. The house collapsed with Frank inside it. !
Coffee:Angry as I was at Frank he's still a person I ran to see if he was okay and to help him. "You and your stupid house made me twist my spleen, but I'm fine, I ain't some little weakling like you, you dumb face.
Coffee:That's when Tina from the house of reassembly kit walked up. "Wow, she said with wide, beautiful eyes.
Coffee:"Right, can you believe it fell down like that? I asked her
Coffee:"yes, yes, I can, she said proudly. When she saw the confused look on my face, she added I'm surprised the house stayed up as long as it did after
Coffee:I cocked my head, clearly confused "After,
Coffee:"well, after we gave the old house thief his due, karma sucks, huh, frank.
Coffee:"I'm sorry I don't follow,
Coffee:"That's right. I forgot who I was talking to. She rolled her eyes and I thanked her for
Coffee:"We
Coffee:"But
Coffee:"yes we sell house reassembly kits, as you know, but only so someone with the know-how and resources to get the other materials can build their own home at a cost they can afford. When I saw what Frank was doing Frank you"She oh, I " got so angry and I told the
Coffee:"Yeah company owner. The whole team thought it was wrong to take
Coffee:"Sure of a . neighbor like that. So we decided to teach Frank a lesson. We replaced the steel nails with 3D printed, cheap plastic, just only " strong
Coffee:"Fine to
Coffee:"That a hammer, the roofing paper was ironically named construction paper and the cement mix was expired industrial-grade waffle mix that even nursing homes wouldn't buy. But he got hurt. I said, yes, yes,
Coffee:"Oh right In our defense.
Coffee:"The didn't think the house would
Coffee:"Let even get assembled, much less stand for a day or so. We never thought there would be someone inside it, and I'm sorry about that, sorry, frank. She called out. Frank replied from the fallen rubble. Yeah, but
Coffee:now I don't even have a house. I said . Sure and,
Coffee:"And, do.
Coffee:It just needs re-reassembly, and I'm sure Frank is more "I willing to give you your house parts back.
Coffee:Isn't that right, frank? I Fine , that didn't help, though. I told Tina I can't afford the reassembly kit,. and
Coffee:And if I could, I don't know the first thing about re-reassembling . a house
Coffee:The End can
Coffee:barely use a hammer. Oh, frank is buying you a real kit. The hell I am you. Let me rephrase that If Frank doesn't want to wind up in jail for theft, and in exchange for you not calling the sheriff, he is returning all the house parts and buying you a house reassembly kit right
Coffee:, frank? There were muffled sobs and swears, but Frank finally agreed and as far as for putting the house back
Coffee:together, it goes quicker than you might think and I'm really good at it.
Coffee:Tina moved closer and rubbed her shoulder up against mine. I could show you how, if you like. She smiled and her dimples showed again. I knew I was helpless. Here was a girl I can never say no to, and that's how Tina and I built a house and a life together the end. Thank you for listening and I hope you enjoyed the show. Also, thanks to everyone who's been reaching out with their comments and questions. My contact information is in the show notes and if you want to get in touch with me or if you want a free discount storytime sticker, just drop me a line. And until next time, play nice with others, be super duper, kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh Bye.