Discount Storytime
Each week brings you a stand-alone humorous short story for grown-ups. Every story is handcrafted for your enjoyment. We take care to ensure engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue are carefully edited out.
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Discount Storytime
The Coin Cult Conundrum
Ever stumbled upon something so peculiar that it sets off an unexpected adventure? I had such an experience at a bustling downtown market where a massive, mysterious coin caught my eye. This odd discovery led me beneath the ordinary surface of city life, revealing a secret passage and introducing me to the enigmatic world of a dark cult.
We still have free stickers left for those who want to answer the challenge question at the end. Good luck! :-)
Content Warning for profanity.
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
"Sad Walz-Calm Classical Piano Music" by Calvin Clavier from Pixabay
"Let the Mystery Unfold" by Geoff Harvey from Pixabay
Girl Scream Sound, Rocks falling, and Thud Sound Effects by freesound_community from Pixabay
Sound Effects by Pixabay
"Send a text or Challenge Question Answer"
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This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to episode 30 of Discount Storytime. When you've listened to all the good podcasts but there's still laundry left to fold, we're here for you. This week's story is Mysterious Coin Cult, and our sponsor for today is Wuthering Bottoms. Enjoy Coming this fall. Emily Bronte's classic novel Wuthering Heights has delighted readers for thousands of years. Nobody knows why. Now Penguin Random Hill Publishers and Mickey Lodian join to bring you a 17-hour cinematic adaptation that is somewhat bearable. Introducing Wuthering Bottoms. Introducing Weathering Bottoms. Follow Catherine as she struggles with her love for Heathcliff, but knowing they will never be.
Speaker 2:I shall marry Edgar Linton because money it would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now, so he shall never know how I love him. Why, heathcliff, are you eavesdropping?
Speaker 3:Good one, Kathy.
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Speaker 3:he couldn't love as much in 80 years as I could in a single day, oh hi Edgar.
Speaker 1:Hathcliffe, quiet down. I'm practicing my clarinet, and how can one forget the forgettable conclusion?
Speaker 3:Hey, Kathy, now we're ghosts.
Speaker 2:We can roam the moors and be intolerable together forever.
Speaker 1:What are you two doing now?
Speaker 2:Hey Edgar, we're ghosts. That means we can follow you around forever and ever and ever, and ever and ever and ever.
Speaker 1:No, no, no.
Speaker 2:And ever, and ever, and ever. Nally help Meow, and ever and ever.
Speaker 1:Experience the endlessly popular romantic story the way it was meant to be told Weathering Bottoms. It's weathering heights, but less stupid. Editor. The Mysterious Coin Cult. Have I told you about the time I discovered a sinister cult in my own city? No, oh, this was several years ago. I don't often talk about it, but it makes for a good story, at least a good enough story for this third-rate podcast.
Speaker 1:So I was walking along the downtown market area one evening and I noticed a coin on the ground and it was different than the other coins I had seen before. This one was bigger, much bigger, about two feet in diameter, and had holes in it. What a strange coin, I thought to myself. I suspected it wasn't the typical United States currency, but perchance instead belonged to a dark and primitive cult. I'm an intellectual and I think like that, but a lucky coin is a lucky coin, and finders, keepers and what such. So, by sheer weight though, this coin was lucky. It was all metal and very heavy. Luckily, I found a small piece of pipe in a wheelbarrow at a nearby construction site. I used the pipe to get leverage enough to pull the coin up and into the wheelbarrow. My new mysterious cult coin had strange markings on it like property of blah, blah, blah. I didn't really have time to decipher the rest. Who knows, I may need the help of some cryptologist or old sacred text to do so For now. For now, I am just happy to have found my.
Speaker 1:What I found next nearly blew my mind, if indeed an intellectual like myself can have his mind blown For this large coin covered a secret passageway leading straight down into the ground. Whatever was down there, it sure was stinky. I suspected that the cultists who made this coin thought this hole in the ground to be some sort of mystic portal. What a bunch of primitives To think that this chunk of round metal wards against evil underground inhabitants invading our realm. I assume this is why the cult placed this large sacred coin over the hole, and my assumptions are never wrong. I assume With my new heavy coin now in the donated wheelbarrow, I could take it with me to find answers. What is this cult? What is this so-called magic portal they worship?
Speaker 1:As I walked along, a young woman wearing headphones and engrossed in her cell phone passed me by. Watch out for the magic portal. I said to her with a wry smile, for I could tell that she was an intellectual like me. The young woman continued on her way with her eyes glued to her cellular phone. As I walked away, I heard the young woman scream behind me. But here's the strange part when I turned to look, I couldn't see her anywhere. How strange indeed. I came to the only sensible conclusion the cult knew what I said to her and immediately kidnapped her. Clearly these are powerful and dangerous people. I must proceed with care.
Speaker 1:I walked along the street and passed many fellow pedestrians, as is my custom. I smiled and said Good day, for I am fortunate to live in the Midwest of the United States, and when it comes to politeness, the Midwest is the Canada of America. However, those who passed stared at the coin, then at me, in disapproval. Many refused eye contact and just hurried on their way away. What strange power this round relic has over people. But back to my investigation and this strange coin.
Speaker 1:Now, who best to confide in with my discovery? At first I thought a church or a synagogue or mosque, but unfortunately none were nearby. And which one to choose? I also worried that if I picked the wrong one, they may provide me with a biased account of this sacred coin's meaning, not out of malice, mind you, but simply through the lens of their particular faith. No, maybe the first would be someone with knowledge of numismatics or the study of coins, as if fate had heard my very thoughts. Not that I believe in fates, for I am an intellectual. Leave in fates, for I am an intellectual.
Speaker 1:I turned a corner and found a coin shop, and open as well. Huzzah, I entered the small shop. It was musty and dim, but there were several glass containers brimming with coins of all colors and sizes and smells. A squat figure, the shopkeeper, I assumed, faced away from me. Good day, sir.
Speaker 1:I happened across this odd coin on my walk today and wondered if you could help me. I'll be happy to Now let me. He turned around. He was older, with a balding pate, a scruffy beard and thick, dirty glasses, and his expression told me all I needed to know. The moment he saw the cult coin in its wheelbarrow, his eyebrows shot up. What the Exactly, my good man? Clearly this belongs to some sort of. What are you doing with that? Get that out of here. Well, I certainly don't appreciate being spoken to in such a manner, for I am an intellectual.
Speaker 1:I shot back, dear sir, I do not care for your tone, but then I evened my own temper, for clearly this poor, simple fellow was afraid of this coin's mystical power. I assumed he was a cult member and my assumptions are never wrong, I assume I apologize. Good sir, I'll speak more clearly to you, for you are unsophisticated. Tell me about this magic coin you uncivilized people worship. Well, he just stared at me for a very long time with a puzzled look on his face. Finally he spoke You're a moron, you're a moron. Moron, hmm, funny word. Moron Must be in their primitive cult terminology a word for disbeliever or heretic. Oh dear, I have absolutely offended this simple oaf and his beliefs about this coin and magic ground portals and what such. I was getting nowhere and left with the shopkeep still staring at me, mouth agape. As I left, he shook his head and repeated that word moron. I left the coin store thoroughly dismayed, but things were about to get much worse.
Speaker 1:As I walked down an avenue, two figures stood about half a block ahead of me A man and a woman whom I easily identified as cultists. How could I identify them? Well, they clearly weren't trying to disguise themselves. They wore matching black slacks, matching blue button-down shirts, and then this is where it gets weird down shirts. And then this is where it gets weird. They both wore large belts with an assortment of what I assume to be accoutrements used for their barbaric dark rituals. But here's the interesting part, a clue they each wore amulets in the shape of a shield made of metal Metal just like the coin. This cult must worship metallic objects. These two were clearly the enforcers of the cult, like paladins, sent out to retrieve their coin relic and return it to their so-called magic portal. It made me think of that poor young woman who was walking and looking at her phone. What had these cultists done to her? My blood simmered with rage. These barbarians may have caught her, but they're never getting me.
Speaker 1:The two cult lackeys saw me and their oh-so-precious magic coin that they use in I'm assuming virgin sacrifice rituals. They yelled at me to stop virgin sacrifice rituals. They yelled at me to stop. I shouted back never, I'll never stop protecting the innocent from your dark cult. She wasn't just some virgin for you to sacrifice. Yolanda was a person. Now, I don't know if the young woman looking at her phone was a virgin or if her name was Yolanda, but she kind of looked like my cousin Yolanda. So I'm assuming her name was Yolanda, and my assumptions are never wrong. I assume I'm coming for you, yolanda. I yelled, and started running back to the portal. Would she still be there? Perhaps they hadn't taken Yolanda far? The two cult followers said something into their walkie-talkies. I can only assume they were telling the high priest they had found the magic coin and were giving chase and chase they gave.
Speaker 1:I ran as fast as I could, but the wheelbarrow slowed me down. Luckily, though, the streets I took to return to the portal started going downhill and it got easier, but it got easier for the cultists as well. Easier, but it got easier for the cultists as well. As I ran, crowds of people looked at me and glared when they saw the cult relic. So many shook their heads and called me a moron, to use their primitive language. Oh, I was mad. I yelled. Think for yourselves, you f***ing sheep.
Speaker 1:Finally, I arrived back at the portal and there was quite the commotion. Strange shaped vehicles with flashing lights flooded the scene. Oh, how brazen was this cult. They couldn't even drive normal cars. Like the rest of us, they had to use flashing lights and sirens to alert everyone to their savage rituals. Then I saw her, yolanda. Thank goodness she was still alive. She was strapped to some sort of wheeled cot and her face? Her face was all bruised and her arm was in a sling. What had this sinister cult done to poor Yolanda?
Speaker 1:Two more cult members wearing black pants and bright yellow jackets wheeled Yolanda into the back of a large square cult van with flashing lights. I screamed her name and Yolanda looked at me. Now Yolanda, clever as always, pretended she didn't know me and even widened her eyes and started yelling go, go, go, go, go, go go. When she saw me running towards her, I couldn't make it to the large van in time and they drove off with their flashing lights and loud sirens. But Yolanda kept the act up the whole time, pretending she wanted to get far away from me.
Speaker 1:I will always remember you, brave Yolanda. They can take Yolanda, but I will never, never obey their cult leader, stefan. I don't know if Stefan is the name of their nefarious cult leader, but I assume it is, and my assumptions are never wrong. I assume. I looked around, the portal was still there and it was surrounded by orange cones and bright colored tape Clearly a simpleton's attempt to diffuse negative spectral energy. These cult people will believe anything. The two cult lackeys that had been chasing me caught up, I decided that perhaps, instead of running, I use my wits for I am an intellectual here, have your sacred coin and close your foul portal. But Yolanda and I will never, but Yolanda and I will never, never stop fighting you and Stefan. And with a flourish or at least as much of a flourish one can flourish with a rusty wheelbarrow I dumped the coin out and stood defiantly.
Speaker 1:The next part I did not expect they began worshipping me. The cultists adorned my wrist with shiny, interlocked bracelets made of you guessed it the metal, the metal they so worship. The coin, the shield and now the bracelets. It all makes sense. Then they prayed an incantation to someone called Miranda, who I assume is one of their primitive goddesses. They put me into one of their vehicles with the flashing lights In the back seat, which we all know is the seat of honor. Look at any procession and you will see presidents and kings sitting where, in the back seats. They must see me as some sort of deity.
Speaker 1:But as my new worshippers drove me away from the dangerous magic portal, I couldn't help but think back of my good luck. Things were definitely looking up. Maybe that was a lucky coin after all, the End. After all the end. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this show. If you did, please tell a friend. If you hated it, please tell an enemy. And, as always, you can contact me with the contact information in the show notes. And until next week, be sure to play nice with others, be super duper kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh Bye.
