Discount Storytime
Each week brings you a stand-alone humorous short story for grown-ups. Every story is handcrafted for your enjoyment. We take care to ensure engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue are carefully edited out.
Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Grandpa Jeff's Letter
In this episode of Discount Storytime, I, Coffee McCann, bring you a story straight from the eccentric mind of my grandpa Jeff. Join me for a tale packed with cultural references, bizarre situations, and a healthy dose of humor that promises to entertain and remind us all of the stories we inherit. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's embark on an adventure that makes you appreciate the quirks of life and storytelling.
Our Small Business Shout Out this week is Beaverdale Books. Hear Jan tell us about this awesome little bookstore, and also all the exciting events coming up.
www.beaverdalebooks.com
facebook.com/BeaverdaleBooks
instagram: @beaverdalebooks
X: @beaverdalebooks
(515) 279-5400
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
"Corporate Optimism" by Dvir Silver from Pixabay
Contact information:
email: mail@discountstorytime
Mastodon: @discountstorytime
BlueSky: @discountstorytime
Or click the link in the show notes to send me a message.
Our website is www.discountstorytime.com where you can find more episodes, story blog posts, and Discount Ideas.
Thanks!
Coffee
Hi, this is Coffee McCann and welcome to episode 34 of Discount Storytime. Literature's finest dumpster fire. In addition to storytelling, discount Storytime promotes local businesses in the Des Moines, iowa area. After the story, stick around for our small business, shout out and hear from Beaverdale Books. This week's story is Grandpa Jeff's letter. Enjoy, and just as a quick reminder before we start the story, my contact information can be found in the show notes. And the reason I say that is lately millions of listeners have been asking me about the strangest thing I ever inherited. Well, I did receive something from my wealthy grandpa Jeff. We were always close. I think a lot of people said winning the Powerball made him eccentric, but I loved hearing his many stories and sure they could be some doozies in there, but that just made them more fun to listen to. When he passed away and they read the will, he left me an envelope with two papers in it. The outside of the envelope simply read For Coffee's Eyes, only One of the letters read stories. So I am sharing this one with you and maybe a podcast audience years from now on some third-rate podcast. This is the true story of how I won the Powerball lottery Back in the early 90s as a young man I loved to go cave exploring here in Nerbly County.
Speaker 1:One day I was deep in a new cavern when I could have sworn. I saw a flickering light. It wasn't but maybe a 20-minute walk later and I again saw the same flickering light, this time much larger. Now I was known the whole county over for my bravery, but I don't mind saying the idea of going forward gave me the heebie-jeebies. I took a deep breath and pressed forward.
Speaker 1:What I saw I did not believe with my own eyes. The light was coming from an entrance to a very large cavern and inside that cavern was a flying saucer. It was easily a hundred feet across and looked like a large upside-down silver plate with a large upside-down silver bowl on top of it. You know, like the ones in the movies, like that one movie with that blonde feller and that brunette woman. You know who I'm talking about, that one with those teeth All around the flying saucer, little humanoid-like space creatures scurried around working on it.
Speaker 1:The flickering light was from some sort of welding device they used for welding by someone who welds, but the name of it eludes me. For the record, I'm proud to say I didn't pass out or urinate myself. And it didn't take long for the little creatures, probably about three to four feet tall at the most, to notice me. They must not have seen a human before, for they all stopped what they were doing, stared at me with their enormous black eyes, with their tiny mouths, agape, and alien hands in their tiny silver overalls. I didn't know what to say, so I finally said what I learned from the movies I am Jeff and I come in peace. Well, it didn't take long before their leader I assume he was the leader because of his large, brainy-looking forehead waddled up to me and extended his hand claw.
Speaker 2:Welcome, Jeff. I am Captain Dale of our flying saucer named Star Chasm. We are so happy to see that there is life on this planet.
Speaker 1:Really Wow. You mean, I'm the first human you've ever seen.
Speaker 2:Yes, and such a fine specimen indeed. Clearly, this planet um, um.
Speaker 1:Earth, this planet's called Earth, um Earth, this planet's called Earth.
Speaker 2:This planet Earth must be inhabited by intelligent and I might say, ruggedly handsome life.
Speaker 1:Are you leader of Earth? If not, you really should be Gosh. No, but you're right, I'll probably be president of Earth someday. Uh-huh, said Captain Dale and nodded his head slowly. I asked what are?
Speaker 2:you all doing here underground? Well, we were out space exploring and what such Young Travis over there just got his learner's permit. So we thought we would let him take over a turn driving the flying saucer.
Speaker 1:Unlike the other aliens, in matching silver overalls, young Travis wore a Nirvana concert shirt, a flannel shirt tied around his waist, torn jeans and work boots. He nodded his head at me as if to say Sup. Young Travis stood under what must have been the flying saucer's bumper, because it had a large yellow bumper sticker that read Student Driver, please be kind. Next to it was a sticker that read Honk all you want, we're in space. Captain Dale continued.
Speaker 2:Yes, young Travis was driving and wanted to change the music, but his Soundgarden CD fell under the seat and, instead of watching where he was going, at this young Travis.
Speaker 1:Looked down at the ground.
Speaker 2:We crashed into Earth's crust, so we have been stuck here until our flying saucer is repaired.
Speaker 1:Wow, you know I'm pretty good when it comes to taking stuff apart.
Speaker 2:Have you ever repaired a flying saucer?
Speaker 1:asked Captain Dale no, but I've never crashed one either, travis. I gave young Travis a disapproving look. This gained me a spirit of camaraderie with Captain Dale.
Speaker 2:Sure, why don't you recorgulate the fractional input stabilizers? Why don't you recorgulate?
Speaker 1:the fractional input stabilizers. After using heavy wrenches to make dents, I started randomly cutting wires. The space aliens were obviously impressed with my mechanical abilities, for their big eyes got really, really big and Captain Dale waddled over to me. Hey, there um uh guy said, captain Dale, that was the start of our little inside joke. He'd pretend he'd forgotten my name each time we met. Oh, you can just call me Earth President Jeff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, say good job with that what you did, but we're turning in for the night. You know busy day and what such.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, I can just hang out here then until you wake up, I can get a head start on cutting wires and making dents wake up, I can get a head start on cutting wires and making dents.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, I'm sure your followers on the Earth's surface would be lost without you or whatever. Plus, we are kinda here in secret Too many cooks in the space kitchen and what have you? So?
Speaker 1:Dale rubbed the back of his little alien neck. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, maybe I should go home for a little bit, but I'll come back tomorrow, promise. Is there anything I can bring you from the surface? Captain Dale raised one eyebrow or he would have if he had eyebrows, which he didn't. And that, dear grandson, is how I became the most important member of the space team.
Speaker 1:Captain Dale pulled me aside and whispered a secret. You see, flying saucers run on a special formulation of fuel. Flying saucers run on a special formulation of fuel, one that was so secret that even the crew didn't know all the ingredients, in case they needed to make enough fuel for takeoff and they didn't feel safe going up to the surface. So, several times a week, I would bring Captain Dale secret ingredients he required to mix into their fuel, things like a medium vanilla latte with whipped cream or two chocolate frosted donuts. He would take them into his captain's quarters to keep them safe for mothers who didn't understand flying saucer fuel, like Captain Dale and me.
Speaker 1:After that it turned out the flying saucer's fuel was in need of other ingredients only found on the earth's surface, like chili dogs, french fries, an order of gristle poppers, a double bacon cheeseburger with extra ketchup, fish and chips with extra tartar sauce, and so on. Each time I returned with a secret but critical fuel ingredient, captain Dale would sneak off to the captain's quarters His secrecy. Let me know. Everything was legit. One day I asked him since it's all getting ground up and put into the fuel tank anyway, wouldn't it be easier for me to use my blender and mix everything at my house than bring the liquid goop? Captain Dale burped in surprise and wiped mustard off his chin. He hastily waddled over to me and since Captain Dale had gotten rather pudgy lately, he was out of breath when he said Captain.
Speaker 2:Dale had gotten rather pudgy lately. He was out of breath when he said no, no, if they're not mixed together in a very specific sequence, the fuel is ruined or something and the flying saucer won't work at all. Trust me, um guy.
Speaker 1:Jeff.
Speaker 2:Yes, trust me, Jeff, this is the only way you are saving us. But next time, no olives on the pizza. I mean I can pick them off, but that's really just a waste of food.
Speaker 1:Fuel? What Fuel? Wasting fuel?
Speaker 2:Exactly that's what I meant.
Speaker 1:And so it went. Then, one day I guess it was about two months later I went down to the cavern and my heart sank. The flying saucer was gone and there was a big hole in the cavern ceiling. All that was left was this note, which I've attached. I've kept this note with me and now I pass it along to you. Now you see the truth of how I won the lottery. Love always, grandpa Jeff. Along with the letter from my Grandpa Jeff, there was another note on a much smaller piece of paper.
Speaker 2:It read hey, guy, we got the ship working. We couldn't have done it without your help. Anywho, gotta go now. So long, and thanks for all the fish and chips To pay you back for all the fuel supplies we used our trans-glopinopitator to generate the next Powerball lottery numbers. They are 5, 23, 24, 32, 44, and the Powerball is 15 for the drawing on July 27, 1994. Get a ticket with those numbers and you will have $40 million, which we hear is a lot of earth money. Your friend Captain Dale.
Speaker 1:So that is how my grandpa won the lottery. I know they're just two pieces of paper, but that my grandpa would put together such a ridiculous story for me to read, I'll just. I'll treasure these always. And the mansion oh yeah, he left me his spooky old mansion. If I can survive one night in there alone, but that's a story for another day. The end.
Speaker 3:Discount Storytime's Small Business Shoutout the end what they have going on.
Speaker 3:Well, as usual, we have lots going on, a lot of things coming up for the new year too, but first it's the holiday and right now we've got our holiday catalog filled with great gift suggestions, and if you stop in, there's a 10% off discount on any of the books that are in here, and there's all kinds of books, including children's books, and just about something for everyone. Our store is packed full of great gift suggestions and I would be willing to guarantee that we would have something for every single person on your list, even the hard-to-shop-for ones. And then January comes, and we don't do a lot of programming in December, but in January we hit it hard, on January 6th, starting right off, and we've got three authors right in a row. You can find all that information on our website at beaverdellbookscom. We also have all of our events on our Facebook page and on Instagram, so we would encourage people to follow us. We also have a monthly newsletter that we love to send out to people and that kind of summarizes all of the upcoming events and any other news from the store some of the things that we do, some of the charitable donations we make, some of the scholarships we give, just all kinds of things that we do on a regular basis here at Beaverdell Books. Then, of course, in February we have our local author fair, and that will be on February 1st. We'll be hosting about four or five local authors, from one to three, so people can come in and mingle and buy their books, and if you've never met an author, it's a great chance to support local authors. And, by the way, beaverdale Books is known, want to really support local authors and find some good books to read. I would encourage you to look at that wall.
Speaker 3:Then in March we have the Des Moines Book Festival coming up. That's coming on Saturday, march 22nd. Des Moines Book Festival coming up. That's coming on Saturday, march 22nd. We are hard at work planning that. We're going to have keynote authors, great programs, some panel discussions, some workshops, kids activities. So mark your calendar. You'll be hearing more information about that. And then just a little secret we have a couple of best-selling authors that we're doing ticketed events. We're bringing Curtis Sittenfeld on March 11th and Jennifer Weiner on April 11th. Both of those are ticketed events. You can find them on our website. Just go to events and scroll down until you find their information and you can purchase tickets for those.
Speaker 1:That sounds wonderful and that's one thing I'm really impressed with is Beaverdale Books is not just a small local bookstore, but the way you give back to the community and you support local authors, which is so important. So thank you very much and again, that is Beaverdale Books. Please tell an enemy and if you own a small business in the Des Moines Iowa area and you would like to get a shout out, my contact information is in the show notes. Or if you have questions for me, thoughts, anything like that, I'd love to hear from you. And until next time, play nice with others, be super duper, kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh. Bye.
