My Mental Health Journey

EP #2: Ellen expands a bit more on why she named the podcast “Reasonably Certain”. Ellen also recounts her mental health journey from feeling out of place and hyper sensitive and anxious as a child to starting therapy to getting an OCD diagnosis as an adult during Covid.

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Transcript

>> Ellen: 0:00

Hey, guys. Welcome back to reasonably certain with Ellen. Hey, it's my second episode, and if you just listened to the first one, thanks for hopping on over to the second one. And if you didn't already know, there is a third one already available. So you should probably go and listen and or watch that. Uh, again, if you don't normally listen or consume, listen to or consume your podcasts on YouTube, I think you should. I feel like the video is much more fun, so I'm gonna plug that in the beginning of this episode so that you come and watch over here. Okay. So again, we're here, and, um, this is the second episode, and today's topic is my mental health journey. And I wanted to expand a bit more on why I named the podcast reasonably certain, even though I covered that very briefly in the first episode. Episode, but also to kind of discuss more broadly my anxiety and mental health. Ever since I was a kid, up until I got diagnosed with OCD during COVID I know it's a thrilling topic, so I hope you guys are buckled in and ready to go. Um, yeah, so, first of all, I thought I would just cover what I've been up to this week as a bit of an appetizer, um, to the episode before we get into the mental health topic. Um, but so far, I have set up my website. So I decided to go ahead and make a website on Squarespace, which I don't know why I thought was so daunting. Um, I was like, oh, no, a website. That just sounds so difficult and confusing, and I'm not sure if I can do it. Um, but it took me, like 15 minutes. It was super easy. I mean, I did already have a stripe account set up, so that saved a little bit of time. A little bit of time. But just setting up the Squarespace website like bare bones was, uh, super easy, and it looks like, super beautiful even without me editing the page a bunch. Um, so that was a big step for me to finally create a website. And hopefully by the time this episode is out, the website is out as well. So if it is Ellenlarson me, that's the website. Cause somebodytook.com and I'm not about to pay for a domain. I don't care that much. Maybe, maybe in the future I will care that much, but right now, I'm not paying for a domain. But whoever took it, rude because it doesn't look like it's in use. Unless you're just using it for emails. If so, then why. Why are you emailing with my name? I think there's an author named Ellen Larsen or something, so that could be it. But it didn't look like it was being used, so I'm like, can I just have it? Why are you hoarding it? Um, but the me is actually kind of cute, so it's all about me. Uh, anyway, so that was a big step this week. Um, but it's gonna be a work in progress for a little while. I've been trying to decide what I even want to be on the website. Um, but I do have a bit of an obsession for researching things. I wouldn't say unnecessarily, like, unnecessary things. They are helpful. But I have nowhere to give out all this information. I find I do have quite a lot of friends that will, like, message me on instagram. M like, hey, I know you, like, seem to know a lot about this weird topic. Like, can you tell me or can you help me with something? So I figure I might as well just have a place for them to go and search, like, basically, like, a filing cabinet of my brain and, um, all the weird things that I research. Hopefully I can narrow it down to, like, some cohesive topics so that there's actually, like, a theme to my website. But we will see. We will see. I still don't really know, but as of this week, I made it. I made the website. I just have not quite fully customized it yet and, like, put items and stuff on it. So we'll see. By the time this is out, hopefully something is on there, or it might just be a blank page, but I'll let you know. Uh, okay. So, moving on. I have also been making a better effort to go to the gym and go to sleep earlier so I can wake up earlier so that I can go to the gym. Um, if you follow me on YouTube already, you would know that I've been trying to lose weight again. I did lose weight, and a lot of you probably follow me from when I lost weight the first time in 2021, which was great. I don't know how it was so easy for me that time. Not that it was super easy, but comparatively to now, I'm like, what the heck? I'm doing all the things, and it's not changing. I'm not losing weight as easily this time. And I talked to one of my friends about it, and she said, because she's a functional health coach, and she was saying, generally, people go through hormone changes like your second puberty in your late twenties. So maybe even since 2021, when I was like, what? Like 25, 26 from then until now, like, maybe I've just gone through enough bodily changes that it's just not the same process for me anymore. I don't really know. I'm looking for, like, a million reasons to figure out why. Um, because, of course, like, everyone's. I've gotten comments before that are just like, it's just calories in versus calories out. Like, clearly you're doing something wrong. I wish I could say that I've been on rebelsis since February, which is the pill version of semaglutide. Most people are familiar with Ozempic and Magovi and, uh, a few others that are mostly available in the US that are in the form of an injection. Um, but my endocrinologist here put me on rebellsis at first because this was back in February, and at the time, only rebellsis and Ozempic were available here in Spain. So she put me on rebelsis in order to not run into any, like, stock issues with Ozempic because a lot of people were having trouble getting their hands on Ozempic at that time. Uh, so that's why we chose rebelsis. But now, uh, it's been over four months since I started it, and I've lost, like, five pounds the entire time, which, uh, is crazy because I've eaten significantly less and I've tried to be more active during this whole period, and it's like my weight is just stuck. Like, I don't know what more I could do. I mean, obviously there's more, but I. But it's like, I've already tried. So I've already gone so far with my effort, and it's like, dang. And I'm still not, ugh. Uh, whatever. So I've been chronicling that journey on my YouTube channel, just throughout my regular videos, so if you want to catch up on that, if you haven't seen those yet, that's where I'm talking about my weight loss journey again, because, uh, I gained about half of that weight back since I lost weight in 2021. And, yeah, I decided to go ahead and try semaglutide because I was like, well, maybe it really does work. Uh, but the rubelsis, I think, is not working so great. So this week, I did have a call with an endocrinologist again to just figure out what I should do. And it's so funny how the health insurance, or, no, how just the health system in general works here in Spain. It's much different than the US, and I have private insurance. I go through sanitas I had a call with an endocrinologist on the Friday afternoon, and I've never spoken with her. She doesn't know me. I do go to one endocrinologist. I try to go to her more, like, continuously so that we have, like, some consistent conversation going on, so that I'm not meeting a new person and explaining myself every time. Uh, but my original endocrinologist is so busy that I can't even get to into her for, like, another six weeks. So I was like, obviously, I can't wait that long for another prescription. So I just did a telephone inquiry or a telephone consult with a new endocrinologist. But it's so funny how I'm speaking with her on the phone for, I think the phone call was less than five minutes. Like, it was seriously so short. And, uh, she just asked me how tall I am, how much I weigh, how much I started, or, like, how much I weighed when I started ribelsis, how much I weigh now. And she's like, okay, let's do Wigovi. And I'm like, what? What do you mean? Like, wigovi? This is new to me. And she's like, yeah, they just released it, like, a couple months ago. So we have Wigovi now. She's like, you should just do Wigovi. And I'm like, oh, I'm more than happy to try that. Like, is it gonna be difficult to get, though? Because that was my concern with the ozempic. And she's like, no, it should be easy to get, like, here you go, take Wigofi. And I'm like, oh, I think that was. She just needed to know how tall I am and how much I weigh. Whereas in the US, not that they, like, go into so much depth in the US, but, like, they, they do take more time to figure out, like, why you're on a medication, or, like, if indeed you do need to go on a different one. It was just hilarious that I, uh, think it took her, like, 1 minute to be like, okay, yeah, here you go. I'll write you the prescription. It's gonna be in the app. Have a good day. And that was it. So it makes it much easier because the telephone call was easy to schedule, I guess, with that certain endocrinologist. Um, but now, actually, later today, well, soon, actually, I'm gonna be doing wigobi. I'm so excited to see if it actually does make a difference. Like, maybe, like, maybe just the injection versus the pill is what I need. I don't know. Obviously I'll keep you guys updated on my YouTube, like my regular YouTube videos. So that has been a big change this week as well. And then I just spent a lot of money, um, buying myself a lot of little treats because it's halfway through the year, and like I mentioned in the first episode, I'm trying to do a bit of a personal rebrand. So, yeah, I'm excited for the things I bought to add those into my wardrobe, and, yeah, try to go out of my comfort zone a little bit. But for the topic of the week, my mental health journey, I wanted to cover this on the first full episode of the podcast. Since this is going to be a bit longer than the first episode was. I know it's not the most exciting topic, but it is a major reason why behind why I chose the name for the podcast and why I decided to create the podcast. Uh, so I think I'll just start with a summary of my mental health over the years so you guys can get just no HIPAA violations here. I'm just laying it out on the table for you. I'm very much an open book when it comes to mental health because I don't mind sharing it. Like, I feel like I've gone through these struggles, or I've learned certain things, and, like, the least I could do is share it so that somebody else could learn from it and, like, maybe have a less difficult time or feel less alone, at the very least. So that's the reason why I'm sharing it. I really don't. I'm not, like, ashamed or worried about any of this. I'm happy to share it. So that's why I'm going to dedicate an entire podcast episode to it. Um, but, yeah, as a kid, well, now knowing that I have OCD, it's very funny looking back on my mental health as a child, because it makes a lot of sense. Um, certain things, I think, are just typical childlike behavior, but others, I think, definitely make sense with the OCD diagnosis and in general, just having anxiety. But I remember having a lot of, like, really uncomfortable feelings about things physically. So that would just bother me to the point of, like, I couldn't. And I was born and bred a, uh, people pleaser. Like, that is me to my core, and I've been trying to undo that. But you have to understand, as a child, that is, like, out of the womb, born a people pleaser, and culturally and societally, like, that is ingrained into that child. And being an eldest daughter, just being a woman in society, but also like, just on top of all that, then having, like, the people pleaser theme or, like, flavor of life, like, drilled into you. Um, I did not want to upset anyone or inconvenience anyone ever, period. Like, I would inconvenience myself a hundred times over in order to not inconvenience someone else. So that tells me that when I did speak up and get very upset and frustrated over things, it was because I had such an uncomfortable feeling inside from either anxiety or OCD or, like, overstimulation that I could not do the people pleaser route. And it forced me to do the, like, I'm uncomfortable. I need to say something because, like, my OCD is screaming inside my head. So that's my. Or, uh, I'm saying that to say, like, I wasn't gonna just complain about every little thing as a kid. Like, I would keep my mouth shut and pretend like everything was fine. So that tells me when everything or when I did have these extremely uncomfortable situations and actually, like, act out to my parents or whoever I was with that it was so deeply uncomfortable that for whatever reason, I just was like, I need to voice this, even if it's just, like, I already over exaggerate things. In my head, I was probably just like, uh, uh, like, made a noise, or, like, was like, I really don't like this, but in my head, I feel like I'm being so dramatic. So my perspective on things is probably still a bit skewed. But anyways, so certain things I noticed as a kid was, like, if things felt uneven, like, in a room or on my body, or just if anything felt uneven, it would make me extremely uncomfortable. Um, and I also have very many memories of me eating this is kind of separate, but pudding cups. Me and my siblings, we love a snack pack. Tapioca, chocolate, and vanilla. Like, we were a butterscotch. Oh, my God. We freaking loved a snack pack pudding cup. And that was a staple snack at, uh, our grandparents house. And she would give us these cute little, like, animal spoons, and we would each get an animal spoon and a pudding cup. But I was a control freak about the lid. Uh, if there was even one scrap of the little tin foil lid stuck on the plastic of the cup, I would be like, um. Um. There's something on there. There's something on there. There's something on there. You have to get it off. You have to get it off. And I don't know why. Like, looking back on it now, it's like, okay, that's genuinely ridiculous. Like, why are you even bothered by that. It's not affecting your ability to eat the cup of pudding. Like, who cares? And if I had a pudding cup now and a bit of the foil was left on, sure. Okay. In a sense of me needing everything to be perfect, it would probably bother me, but it would not bother me like that. So I don't know why as a kid, that irked me to my soul to see it especially. Okay, uh, I will say a little bit it would bother me as an adult, but especially if the corner of it was like covering the pudding, if it was just strictly on the plastic. Okay, a little less annoying. But if it was like ripped where it was covering some of the cup still, okay, that would bother me a little bit still as an adult, but as a kid, that was like unacceptable. Like, I could not eat the pudding gumdez. Oh, it's just so ridiculous when you think about it. But yeah, that was one of my core memories is like, I just, that was something that irked me to my core and I could not, I couldn't do it. I couldn't, um, um, another thing was like, I think also part of it could be like, pathological demand avoidance, but I've never been, I've never talked about that with my therapists yet. I've seen multiple therapists over the years, but I have not spoken to multiple therapists at one time. That's why I say therapists. But, um, I'm not currently in therapy, so nevermind. But I, um, maybe had a bit of pathological demand avoidance too, because I would love to do things on my own, but as soon as my mom would do something for me without consulting me or asking me to do something or either of my parents. But obviously I was mostly interacting with my mom. Anything like that would also bother me to my core where I would want to turn inside out and crawl down a hole. I don't know. Um, um, so one time, this is another core memory that just is like telling me that something was, you know, maybe not firing correctly or like, I don't know why I was so bothered by these things that are, um, in the grand scheme of things, like, super not important, but like, we had a mirror, like, you know, just like a body mirror, like a cheap one you could buy at target that you would like, hang on the back of your door or something, painted it lavender. Cause that's always been one of my favorite colors. And then I think we were in the middle of deciding if I was gonna put a feather, a pink feather boa, uh, around the outside of it or not. And I don't know why. I could not decide if I wanted it on there or not. But I think part of the. Similar with the pudding cup, part of, like, the unevenness of the feathers, and, like, that some of them would be covering the physical mirror, because, of course, it's not gonna be, like, a perfect line. The feather boa is large enough that it's gonna take up maybe, like, an inch of the mirror where some of the feathers are covering it. So for some reason, that bothered me so much. And so then I think I had probably decided I didn't want it on there because it would have bothered me. But of course, I didn't tell my mom that. I don't know why, or she thought she was probably just thinking she was doing a really nice gesture for me by putting it on for me and just, like, hot gluing it around the perimeter of the. The mirror while I was at school one day. And then I got back home from school and saw that the feather boa was on the mirror. And I was like, again, like, the same feeling where I'm like, oh, my God. Like, the just, um, discomfort was at, like, a level 1000, and I don't know why. Like, it affects me. Like, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. And so obviously it doesn't affect me, like, to that point anymore, but I don't know what age I was probably, like, in middle elementary school or something, but it bothered me so much. And I, like, ripped the feather bow off, and I felt better because the feather bow was off the mirror, but I felt immense guilt because I was like, oh, my God, I just ripped off the work that my mom did because she was trying to do something nice for me. So I had these two extremely conflicting feelings. Like, I hate so much that I just don't like how it is on the mirror for some reason. And I hate that she did it without asking me because I think I. Because I liked it the way it was, even though she didn't know that. And then I also felt extreme guilt because she did something nice for me and, like, was just genuinely trying to, like, surprise me with something nice when I got home from school, but it just enraged me. So the putting in the mirror are, like, two things that I always think of when I'm like, hmm hm. Those reactions were not really normal. Um, I mean, and kids can get upset for things and, like, it can be misdirected and whatever. Like, that's a whole other conversation. But I think for me and, like, my track record of how I react to things. Like, I don't remember reacting to things super intensely all the time. Cause, again, people pleaser. I was usually trying not to rock the boat too much, except at home. At home, it's a bit of a different story, but I was still trying not to rock the boat, like, too, too much. When I look back, I'm like, okay. I was definitely feeling a bit anxious and overstimulated, probably majority of the time. And sometimes it just was like the pot was boiling over and that whatever situation was probably just where. Where the meltdown happened, which I think is pretty typical for everyone. I don't think that's super specific to OCD, but I think, in the way it manifested and made me feel in my brain is probably where the OCD comes in. And then I don't remember having really anything else that bothered me so much, um, that I, like, specifically remember it until. Until I was probably just feeling like. I mean, I've always had super low self esteem and, like, very bad body image. And, I mean, I think a lot of us can relate to that. I feel like, as a society, that's pretty common. But, uh, of course, as you go into, like, middle school, high school, that is pretty prevalent. I think most people struggle with that. So that wasn't really anything out of the ordinary. However, I do wish so badly that I would have known about therapy or, like, known that I could have benefited from therapy when I was that age, because being in sports from a young age, you are tend to be really hard on yourself if you make mistakes. And I think more so than even everyone else, because there's, like, a certain normal reaction to, like, maybe you screw something up in a game or you, like, misunderstand your coach's directions or something, and, like, there's a normal reaction to being like, oh, dang, I messed up. Like, okay, I'll not do it again. Um, but for me, I think it was like, I will punish myself 50,000 times more than anyone else will ever punish me. So I was extremely sensitive to any sort of feedback or rejection to the point where, like, I didn't have fun playing sports majority of the time, because I was, like, basically the narrative or the voice in my head 99% of the time. I'm not even joking. You was like, you suck. You're stupid, you're dumb, you're fat, you're lazy. You can't run as fast as your teammates. You're not as good at your sport as your teammates. Why do you even like being on the court. Like, you're not, you don't deserve to be on the team with everyone. Like, just such mean, negative things. That was legit my brain. And so that's not like, you're not going to get better at your sport if that's your mindset, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I got better, of course, incrementally over time, but I would have gotten exponentially better if I had a better mindset, no doubt about it. Like, I would have had so much more success, so much more fun and then genuinely enjoyed getting better at the sport if I had, like, a healthy, positive mindset. But instead I was just ripping myself to shreds every day. And then if I did something wrong in practice, oh, oh, my attitude would just be like, down the drain and it's like, it rubs off on other people, too. So I would get, like, some other people on my team might be a bit negative, too, then I would, like, that would rub off on me and then I would be super negative and I probably rubbed off on other people. So, like, I get, I get that at the time, too. This was what probably like 2000 910, 1112, nobody was like, have a healthy mindset, like, be positive. And anytime somebody did try to, like, cheer me up, that would just piss me off more, which obviously didn't help. Like, you know, but I would just be so mad at myself if I messed up that it's like, it wasn't helpful. So I just, that is probably the biggest thing I struggled with in high school is like such terrible negative self talk. Not necessarily in social situations as much, but with sports, m that was really bad. So I do regret that a bit because I think I would have enjoyed sports so much more if I didn't have such a negative mindset. But again, at the time, I don't even think the coaches had, like, a super great mindset or we probably would have. That would have rubbed off on us a bit more as well. And I've had seasons where coaches were better about that and somewhere coaches were just straight up rude. So obviously that has some influence on it as well. But I was just hard on myself no matter what. So I wish I would have not been like that. I would have probably just in general been happier, but I don't think anybody knew that that was abnormal at the time. You know what I mean? Like, just, it was either you were. Had a normal reaction to effing up or you had my type of reaction to effing up, which is I hate this, I suck, I don't deserve to be here. I'm stupid, I'm dumb, whatever. All the things you could think of. So I do wish that I didn't have that, but that was, I think that was, like, my default baseline. Like, I've had to unlearn that, but, like, that was my, like, default. You know what I mean? Like, I didn't, uh. Well, maybe I did learn it, but that was my automatic go to. So, like, my default is super, super, super negative self talk. So then in college, I think the self talk got less bad because I wasn't in sports. Like, that's where it really flourished. But in social situations, I've always felt, like, fairly comfortable. I feel like I'm pretty good at being the social butterfly of the group, so, like, that has never bothered me too much. So I've never, well, I always thought I never had social anxiety until I went to therapy. And then my therapist said, like, oh, you definitely do. It's just not in the typical sense of social anxiety where you're terrified to socialize with people. I love socializing with people, but I would definitely overthink everything I said afterwards and then be like, oh, yeah, they probably think I'm super annoying and hate me, but that, like, wouldn't stop me from hanging out with them again, you know what I mean? Because I just, like, I don't know, for some reason, that wouldn't be a blocker for me. Um, but I would still overthink everything I said and did and be like, yeah, they probably think I'm weird because I just didn't have enough confidence to, like, not care if they thought that. But I, um. Um. In my mind, I think I would have more shame if I didn't keep hanging out with them than if I was, like, sulking away and, like, pouting and being all weird and hiding in a corner. So for self preservation reasons, I would continue acting as if, like, I wasn't anxious. You know what I mean? But I think, I think a lot of people do that, too. So, um, yeah, not like the typical social anxiety. I go to college, I think, still unaware that I would ever need to go to a therapist. And not that you ever need or don't need it, I think everybody should just do it, just to have a professional, unbiased opinion on your, on your thought processes. Um, but I was like, no, I've never had anxiety or depression or anything. I'm good. Like, I genuinely was like, no, I would never need therapy. Why would I need therapy? I have nothing to worry about. And so I think that's what prevents a lot of people from going to therapy is you don't really know what you don't know, and you probably underestimate things that you've gone through. And you think, like, I've never gone through anything that requires therapy because we assume that you have to go through something, like, so extremely traumatic to go to therapy, and you don't. And also, I think, like I said, we underestimate a lot of, like, I think I've heard people refer to it as, like, little t trauma and big t trauma. And big t trauma, I think, is where a lot of people realize, like, okay, maybe I might need to go to therapy, but you can have plenty of little t trauma events in your life where you think back and you're like, ah, it wasn't so bad. In the moment. It was probably terrible. But once you. You know, once some time passes and you look back on it, you might think, oh, it's not so bad. But if you have enough of the little t traumas, like, you really should, you know, discuss that in therapy, because I think we. We pack it away and we think, like, okay, that's been there, done that. Like, it's done. No need to revisit it. But you can learn a lot about yourself and prevent similar situations in the future, or at least learn how to cope with similar situations in the future in a healthier manner. So I think that's still helpful regardless. But anyway, so I never thought I needed therapy. I was like, I've never been through anything that requires therapy, blah, blah, blah. So, in college, I never thought anything about it. In college, I was having a lot of fun. Not terribly worried about much, but also, um, the main theme for me, I think, in college was just, like, being. Not knowing how to interact with guys and not knowing, like, what's normal. Cause I didn't have any dating experiences or, like, really any romantic experiences in high school, so that was really tough for me. I wish I would have had more knowledge about that before college so that I wouldn't be so shocked and confused and, like, not sure what's normal and, like, be afraid to, like, uh, even ask my friends, like, what to expect within communication standards. Like, intimacy. Like, I just didn't know anything. I was so naive. Um, and then after college, I moved a few. A couple years later, I moved to Arizona, and that's when I started therapy for the first time. This was in 2019, so it was before COVID like, summer 2019. I was loving living in Arizona. However, it was the first time I had lived alone across the country. And although it was fun, it was also extremely scary. I didn't act like it was scary, but I had developed, like, really bad anxiety, because I think just the concept of being far away from home and living on your own and, like, doing regular adult life is. Is a bit scary. Um, and I was starting to develop, like, extreme agoraphobia, where I was, like, nervous to even go get my mail and I think a couple other things, but I was just starting to. Oh, no. I was also just extremely nervous of people, like, watching me through my windows or, like, following me home or, like, if a guy was stalking me or seeing when I turned my lights on and off. Like, that was ruminating in my brain. And then I was even scared to go out and get the mail because I was nervous that somebody would see me and see where I live or something, um, which is still a legitimate fear. But the amount of times I was worried about that happening was not, like, the abnormal part. That was the first time I decided to seek out a therapist. I think my first therapist was fine, but a lot of the other anxiety I had came with, like, just being perceived on social media and, like, worried how I am, um, perceived by others, and a lot of that typical people pleaser shame feeling. And I think that she wasn't really aware of social media, so it was kind of hard to, like, have discussions with her that were really, like, getting down to what? Like, that we just weren't on the same wavelength. You know what I mean? Like, I think she would have been a much better fit for people her age because she was probably in, like, her late forties or something. Um, she was just, like, not, like, the generational gap was, like, painfully obvious. So she did introduce me to, like, DBT, CBT, and, like, had me kind of go through some packets on the. On those, and, like, fill out a lot of information about myself. And we kind of just discussed, like, general anxiety. And that was, like, my first introduction to, like, how therapy works and, like, anxiety with my friends and stuff. And that was the only time I did in person therapy because it was before COVID So that was quite the experience. And I only did therapy through insurance. So I did a lot of, like, periods of therapy where I would hit my deductible for the year and then be like, okay, now I can go to therapy because it's free, because I did not have money to pay, like, a week or I $150 a week for a therapist. So I would hit my deductible for the year, usually by, like, midway through the year, and then I would be like, okay, now I can go to therapy again. So 2019 is when I did that, and then Covid happened, and then in 2020, I was like, I had gained a lot of weight by my, like, what was that, my 25th birthday? I had been gaining a lot of weight, especially because of COVID and, like, the stress of being home alone and, like, Covid, obviously. And, um, so by that time, I hit my deductible again in 2020. It was probably, like, September by that point, I started therapy again, but this time with a therapist who was a bit younger. And each time I've gone to therapy, I've kind of seeked, um, out a therapist for a different reason. So, like, each therapist kind of tends to specialize in a certain area of therapy, um, or with a certain demographic of patients. So, like, my first therapist, I don't really remember what she specialized in. It was probably, like, DBT, but I don't think she specialized in any specific topics other than, like, generalized anxiety, depression, and kind of, like, the general topics. But then in 2020, I wanted to speak with somebody who focused a bit more on, like, weight people who have body image issues, self confidence issues, weight issues, food issues. So, um, I had been binge eating a lot that year, and obviously had extremely poor body image and, like, self esteem. So that was my. I think that was one of the biggest changes, is, like, seeing my therapist from 2020, because that was the first time I've ever had anybody explain to me how, like, mental health and food and weight can all be connected together. It seems kind of, like, duh, now, but, uh, back in that time, I did not know that. So it's like, you don't know what you don't know until you know it. So that was really helpful to discuss all of that with her. And it was the first time that I actually went gluten free. I think I had been trying for, like, seven years and to try and go gluten free, but I would fail every time. And then with her, she was like, you have to accept the change, and you can't keep, like, resisting it. And then, same with weight loss. She's like. Like, we put a lot of steps into place together to work on weight loss, and that was the first time I had ever actually started losing weight successfully, which was really, like, a big deal for me. So then in 2020 or, uh, in 2021, obviously, in the beginning of the year, I had chronicled that weight loss journey, and I had lost quite a lot of weight throughout 2021. At the end of 2021, I think I hit my deductible again, or, like, towards the end of the year and started with another therapist, and this time it was more so for the intent of, like, really bad anxiety. And I don't think I had ever, like, OCD had ever crossed my mind, but I think I was looking for a therapist who was able to help me more with, like, really bad fears of, like, health anxiety. So because Covid obviously heightened a lot of my health anxiety, and I had had a lot of health anxiety about, like, fears of getting viruses in general. Like, I had already been kind of a health anxiety freak before COVID but after Covid, like, it really exacerbated it. So I think that was the reason why I was seeking out a therapist for that time. So I was looking for somebody who specialized in, like, health anxiety and among other things, obviously. So, um, that was the therapist I had spent the most time with. I think I was with her for over a year. Yeah, I was with her for over a year, like, almost, like, a year and a half. So I was with her since, like, the end of 2021 to, like, may of 2023. And that was the therapist that diagnosed me with OCD. And we had worked through a lot, a lot while I was living in Arizona. And I was on the fence of whether I was going to continue working with her when I moved to Barcelona in May of 2023. But I think we had a meeting. Like, my last appointment with her was, like, a week or two before I left for Barcelona, and then she was going on a vacation around that same time. And I think we were like, okay, let's touch base and see how I feel after your vacation. And once I'm all settled in Barcelona, and then I just didn't really feel the need to go back. I already felt so much better just moving here. And, like I've said in multiple videos and online and my social platforms and stuff that I have felt, or, uh, I had felt stressed. Like, I had felt stressed during that time when I first moved to Barcelona. But it was, like, a good stress. Like, it wasn't always negative. I was very happy to be here. It felt like a breath of fresh air and, yeah, so although I was stressed, I wasn't stressed in the way that I felt that I needed to speak to a therapist. And having been in therapy on and off for, like, four years by that point, I had gathered quite a lot of tools to know how to cope with circumstances that I've been going on that I've been dealing with. So then I went to a fourth therapist this past fall, and this was kind of like, the shortest stint of therapy, I think, because. Well, because I. My job. My us job stopped, and I was like, mmm. Um, I don't have enough money to pay $100 a week for therapy anymore, so I'm just gonna stop. And then hopefully, if I need it, I can pay for it again. But, like, I stopped because I didn't have enough money for it. But I had started therapy back in the fall and found a therapist who dealt with, like, relational, like, relationships and sexual, uh, therapy. Somebody who deals with sex and relationships, basically. So each therapist, like I've mentioned, has had kind of a different, like, specialty, uh, which I think is best, like, to kind of tackle certain, like, topics that you're trying to work on. And so having kind of loosened up my own, you know, ways that I'm handling Covid, and, like, I think that it's been enough time now that we're. I don't know. It's. I don't really know. I still tried. I still take it seriously. But now that I'm living more of a normal lifestyle again, I suppose you could say I wanted to dip my toes back into the world of dating, because I had not even bothered, really, with it at all from 2020 to 2023. So I was like, all right, I'm in a new country. I'm kind of, like, opening a new chapter of my life. Like, let's do this. Let's do the dating thing. I had tried a little bit, like, on apps and stuff, and I realized so quickly that I was not ready to date at all. Like, just after that many years of, like, having really severe anxiety, like, agoraphobia Ocdena, I was not ready to just, like, jump back into the dating pool like that. And to top it off, my previous two experiences with men before COVID were, like, extremely traumatic. So I. Yeah, clearly, like, just based off of those facts alone, like, clearly, I was not ready to just, like, jump back into dating. Like, that was not gonna happen. So I realized that pretty quickly. And then in the fall, I decided to work with therapist who specializes in that sort of thing. And she introduced me to EMDR therapy, which I was aware of, but I never thought that it would be necessary for me or that it would be a fit or whatever. And I only did it with her, like, over, like, three sessions. So I didn't really get fully into it because I had stopped because of my job. But funny enough, at the time I stopped the therapy, I kind of felt ready to stop anyway. It didn't feel too abrupt. We had covered quite a lot over the course of, like, I think it was like, twelve weeks we worked together or something. So it was a significant amount of time. Still mostly working on, like, fear of men, fear of strangers, feeling like a loss of control when I'm dating. Uh, or even just being on, uh, a date with a man that is essentially a stranger, which is kind of terrifying, to be honest. When you think about it. That's still terrifying. But, uh, if you do want to date, you do kind of have to be open to that or it's never gonna happen. So just that thought alone, for me, was causing so much fear. Like, the thought of being, just being in the presence of a man without being in a group of people was actually so terrifying to me. So I was trying to figure out how. And we were just working on coping mechanisms. If I'm on a date with a guy and I'm feeling so terrified, maybe I just excuse myself, go to the bathroom quick. But then, well, that was her suggestion. And she's like, maybe you can do some breathing exercises in the bathroom for, like, a minute and then come back. Um, which I do, in general, think that's a fine idea. Like, whatever. But my fear is that he's gonna spike my drink when I come back. So I was like, I don't trust him to be alone with my food. He's probably gonna do something to it, like my food or my drink. And she's like, okay, yeah, uh, that, that is a fear. But, like, I don't know, like you. I don't know. I'm still grappling with that, if I'm being completely honest. But we also went through EMDR. Like I mentioned, I didn't feel like maybe I'm not the best candidate for EMDR. I, uh, did tell her about how I felt like I wasn't the best candidate for it. And she said, it's normal. Like, just let your brain do its thing. Like, you're just trying to get out of the way of your brain and, like, let it bounce around to memories and ideas and fears and things. And it can be slightly traumatic, but, like, we always check in, like, every minute while we're doing it to see what's coming up. But I still felt like, even through the three sessions we did, I just felt like maybe I didn't really feel like I was getting anywhere. I feel like I make the most breakthroughs when I talk about a topic, enough to get like enough reassurance and confidence that I can then just take it into my real life and just like try to implement it on my own time. Uh, so that's how I've noticed I benefit from it most, but obviously it's a, it's different for everyone. Uh, but that was my last therapist, so I stopped working with her in like late November, I think, last year. And I feel pretty good. I don't feel the need to go to therapy right at this moment. Um, and I'm feeling pretty good. However, I forgot to mention that my therapist that I was with the longest, the one before this previous one, she had also suggested that I take medication. I was so scared to ask for it. I would have asked for it much earlier, but I felt it was so stigmatized and that she would feel that I'm like cheating if I ask. And I felt like it was like that she would feel I'm taking advantage of her, which I wasn't even thinking of maybe asking until at least six months after working with her. It's like, in what world would a therapist think you're taking advantage of them for medication or something? Um, because also she couldn't prescribe it to me. I had to go to a psychiatrist. So anyway, but it was just funny because we had already worked together for over a year at this point. It was in like September or. Yeah, like late September, 2022. She was like, hey, yeah, like, just a thought. Like, have you ever considered medication? And I was like, um. Um, I have. But I just like, didn't know. It felt like maybe I shouldn't ask. And she's like, I think maybe it's time. After a year of working together, she's like, yeah, you might want to like, look into that. So I did. I tried Zoloft first for a month. It made me a little bit too nauseous and I had like some weird, really weird dreams on it. So then they switched me to Lexapro and I've been on it ever since. So I've been on Lexapro for like a year and a half. It has 1000 million percent. Saved me, made my life better, made my brain better. Like, I thank the freaking world for Lexpro. Like, I don't know what I would do without it. I asked my psychiatrist, like, do you think I'll need to take it forever? Like, what's the game plan here? And some people need to take it forever. Some people don't. I do think maybe it could have a reason to do with how much weight I've gained, but I don't know for sure, but it's been amazing. So I have not been such at peace with my m mind and my life and everything since taking Lexpro. It's seriously been such a good. A good medication for me, so I'm super thankful for that. I also take propranolol, but that's more like a very low dose as a beta blocker to relieve some of the symptoms, the physical symptoms of anxiety, which I think helped, but it, uh, is not as significant as the change of lexapro. So. I love Lexapro. Love you, girl. Um, and that is kind of where we're at today. So I still take Lexapro, I still take propranolol, and I don't go to therapy currently, but I've been trying to kind of implement little tools that I've learned in therapy here and there over time. So, yeah, I hope that was helpful or inspiring or maybe made more sense to why I am the way I am. Um, and that's it, I think, for this episode, I think I'll wrap it up with, oh, no, no, that is not it for this episode. That is it for the main topic. I do also want to mention that I think I mentioned this in a TikTok the other day, but I think humans have zootosis, and this is not to take away from everything that I just said, but something that my therapists have told me, and this is not just one therapist, like, multiple therapists have told me. Like, it's. My fears are legitimate. Like, we live in a society that's messed up, and they feel bad that so many clients come to them with, like, just feeling terrible, but the things they're feeling terrible about make sense. It's not unreasonable to have these fears or these feelings that people are coming to therapy with. And so, like, even my most recent therapist specifically was like, I feel bad because I don't really have a fix, a fix all solution for you. Even in therapy. Like, we can work on ways to cope with it. We can work on how you react to it. But she said, like, a lot of these things is just like, it's not fair to us because it's the world we live in. So she's like, ideally, the fix would be changing the society we live in, but Alaska, that's not really possible. So what we can do in therapy is work on how you react to it and so that you don't have these over exaggerated reactions or so that you can cope with it better. But she's like, a lot of fears that, like, you're bringing up to me are not irrational fears. Like, they're legitimate fears, but the reaction you're having to them is what's maybe making it unmanageable. So we can work on that. But I imagine it, like, as if we were an animal in a zoo or, like, your pet dog or your horse, and they, if those animals were exhibiting the signs of mental health issues, like a dog pacing around the house or, um, scratching at doors, or, like, dogs can also develop OCD with, like, lights and things like that. Or, like, horses can crib or weave in their stall, or, like, there's many ways that animals show signs of poor mental health. And I think humans do as well. And we don't have nearly as much compassion for humans as we do for, like, animals. Like, if I see an animal clearly in distress, it's like, you have. It feels heart wrenching or, like, gut wrenching to see animals in distress like that. But we don't feel. I feel as humans, we don't feel nearly as much compassion for ourselves. So that's my other point, is I think just humans just have zoolcosis because we live in a society that's not exactly, you know, made for us to flourish. So in that way, you should be easy on yourself, because whatever you're feeling is probably completely normal. It's just that maybe it's hindering your daily life and, like, you might need to go to therapy to learn how to cope with it, but it's probably not unreasonable, is my point. Um, but I thought to wrap up the episode, we can talk about some pop culture and trends and kind of switch gears over to that kind of side of things. So we'll wrap up the mental health topic here and move over to what I've been tuning into this past couple weeks. Um, this is very, like, south park esque. Like, if you like adult comedy, then you would probably already know about smiling friends. Um, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you probably have a normal, healthy amount of adult humorous in your life and not, like, the humor of a twelve year old, so. Yeah, but I've been loving smiling friends. Um, it's. At first I was, like, seeing it all over TikTok. Like, what is this that I keep seeing all over TikTok? Like, TikTok basically forced me to watch it because it was being shoved on my for you page every day. And I was like, okay, after, like, the 10th time of seeing, uh, a, uh, TikTok about it, I was like, okay, it is kind of funny. And then I got curious enough to watch it, and I was like, okay, this is pretty funny. And now everything on my for you page is still smiling, friends. So it's just hilarious. I have to say. Everybody says who their favorite character is. I think my favorite character is Mister boss. Um, everything he says is hilarious, but I think a close second would be Alan. Um, but, yeah, Mister boss is by far my favorite character. He's freaking hilarious. Bridgerton season three. I feel like this is pretty much old news already, but I did not ever watch Bridgerton until this season. I. For some reason, I was just kind of like, oh, uh, I don't know if I'm into, like, I do, like, period pieces, but I don't know why. This one seems like a little bit too, like, Netflix cheesy for me. I love Outlander. I love. I guess I'm not, like, foaming at the mouth for every period piece, but Outlander is one of them. But I finally was like, okay. Like, it's always TikTok that gets me. I saw so many freaking videos about season three, Bridgerton on TikTok that I was like, okay, you got me. I'm gonna watch Bridgerton. So I watched all three seasons in, like, one week, and, yeah, it was really good. I don't know, I guess I'll spill my opinions on Bridgerton because, uh, I've heard so many people's takes on, um, like, which seasons were good and bad. And, like, apparently the first two seasons had a different showrunner than the third season. So people really don't like how the third season was done. But I have not read the books, and I did not have to wait, like, two years in between each season to finally see the next season. So I feel like my opinion is a little bit different than everybody else's. But I loved the first season. I felt the second season was very slow, but I still like the storyline. However, I feel like they did, um, what was her name? Oh, gosh, Edwina. They did her so dirty. I felt so bad for Edwina the whole time. And then the third season, I still like. But I do agree with a lot of people that say, and these people have probably read the books, but they said that they didn't give nearly enough time to, like, really flush out Penelope and Colin's relationship and like, to really show, like, how much they're into each other. So I thought it was still cute, but I agree. I think they could have spent way more time, like, developing, like, actual tension and like, so you can understand, like, why they would want to be with each other. It kind of felt like just one day, like, Penelope was in love with him her whole life, and then she was just, like, waiting for Colin to, like, her one day. And then just, like, one day, he woke up and was like, I m like Penelope now. Like, we didn't get to see any of his thought process as to why he loves Penelope. So I feel like it was just kind of, like, a switch flipped, and he was like, no, I actually like her now instead of, like, not really paying attention to her. So overall, I really like it, though, and I want to see more. I'm sure according to the books, it's gonna have many more seasons, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for the next season. Like, it's just. It's not a show that I'm, like, so insanely involved in. However, I do love the pop cultureness of it and, like, talking about it on TikTok and people, like, breaking down their opinions on it and stuff. Uh, and I just watched perfect match, the season two of perfect match on Netflix, and the tea there is that everybody, I don't know if, like, normally on. On reality shows that, like, the contestants have to sign an NDA or something and, like, not spill the tea after they get off the show or something, because I feel like in this season in particular, the way the producers must have put together the show and, like, had the editors edit together the clips, like, the, um, contestants pretty much all came out of TikTok afterwards and were, like, spilling all the tea. Like, that's not how this conversation was. Like. They completely, like, made it look a different way. This person is actually like this. This person is actually like this. So the tea was on TikTok post show, and I just want to say, shout out to Dominique. And I don't know why everybody's hating on Christine so much. I thought she was, like, a good addition to the end of the show. Um, but, ah, you know, typical trashy reality tv. Just some, you know, brain rot for some entertainment. Charlie XCX and Sabrina Carpenter. I was saying that I'm not a huge fan of pop music. It reminds me of music that you would hear in, like, kohl's or, like, a department store and that you would get, like, instant depression from listening to it. Um, but not with Charlie XCX and Sabrina Carpenter. I love brat. I love please, please, please. And Sabrina's new music, again, it's not something I typically listen to, but it's so good. Okay. Well, Bratt, I have to say, charlie xx is XCX is something I'd listen to more often, but Sabrina Carpenter is more of, like, the typical pop that I would think of maybe that I maybe might not like. But I love it. I love it. I'm obsessed. So that's been on my playlist this week, and then my goals for the upcoming week. I have a networking event during the week. I feel like I go to those, like, once every other week at least. So that's usually how I socialize, unless I'm going out to the bars or something. So I'll be going to that. And then I'm just working on having a consistent routine during the weekdays because I'm still trying to lose weight. I'm gonna go to the gym tan so I can have a bit more of a natural tan in the sun. That's been one of my goals, even though my goal is also to not age my skin. But I'm sick of fake tanning. I just love how I look with the tan. I think I look so much healthier and more beautiful with a real, like, tan from the sun. So I'm gonna do it. I haven't actually made an effort to tan in the sun in probably, like, six, seven, eight years. Like, actually, I don't think I've ever really made an effort. So I think it's only fair. And then I just, in general, want to make plans with my friends because the summer is fully here and I can't waste any time. My goals, summer socializing. It's time. It's time. Um, but that's it for this episode. So I know it was not the most uplifting topic ever, but I think it was good to just kind of start off with that so you guys can kind of understand where I'm coming from. And then the rest of the episodes will be covering, uh, any range of topics in those topics I mentioned, like mental health, friends, moving abroad, makeup, fashion, all that fun stuff that I love. So that is it for this episode. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. And move on to the third one if you want, because there is a third one that's already out. Um, but if not, I'll see you later. Thanks. Bye.