CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. Handling the Holidays: Grief, Boundaries, and Self-Care

Navigating the holiday season isn't always easy, especially when you're dealing with the complexities of grief or challenging family relationships. Join me, Kirsty Harris, as I share my own experiences of coping with Christmas after losing a loved one. This episode is all about giving yourself permission to feel however you need to feel during the holidays. We'll explore setting realistic expectations, managing difficult interactions, and finding ways to protect your mental health. By understanding your emotions and the experiences of those around you, you can shift your perspective and handle holiday stress more effectively.

But that's not all. We also dive into practical strategies for maintaining boundaries and practicing self-care. Discover tips for keeping family gatherings peaceful, like planning neutral conversation topics and having an exit strategy ready. Learn how to prioritize meaningful actions over material gifts, and find joy without breaking the bank. Plus, I'm here for you through email and social media if you need extra support. Tune in for comforting advice and actionable tools to help you navigate this holiday season with grace and ease.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Find your Inner Glow podcast hosted by me, kirsty Harris. I am a holistic coach and I am super passionate about helping others improve their lives by focusing on the mind, body and soul. Each week, I will be sharing my insights, experiences and advice on how to tap into your inner glow and live a more fulfilling and balanced life. So join us and let's discover how to find your inner glow and live a more fulfilling and balanced life. So join us and let's discover how to find your inner glow together. Hello, hello and Merry Christmas. So this episode is coming out a week before Christmas, just because I love you, I want you to have the best time of the holiday season and this is going to be your survival toolkit on how you navigate this difficult time of the year. Okay, we always find that Christmas is this lovely song and dance, and some people love Christmas and have a great time and some people, like me, fucking hate it. So this is my years of navigating Christmas since my nan passed away. My nan passed away five days before Christmas and I just never really kind of saw Christmas the same after that. And also, like you know, christmas isn't so magical when you're a 31 year old with bills and a mortgage. So, yeah, anyway, today I'm just going to run through a couple of things that will help you just to navigate the difficult holiday season. When you're dealing with people you might have to see family who you've managed to avoid all year, and how you can cope with it and just maintain your own mental health and well-being over the over the like difficult period. Okay, so it can be really really challenging, and that's okay to say that it's challenging. Christmas doesn't have to be the best thing in the world. Everyone dresses Christmas up to be like this amazing and incredible day when actually it's a really big anti-climax for a lot of people, and that's okay too. Christmas doesn't have to be like this amazing and incredible day when actually it's a really big anti-climax for a lot of people, and that's okay too. Christmas doesn't have to be the be-all and end-all, and you can give Christmas as much energy as you like. It doesn't make you a bad humbug, it doesn't make you somebody who is less grateful of Christmas or you know the gifts that you're given or anything. It's okay to just check out of Christmas.

Speaker 1: 2:02

So, firstly, I want to want to start by saying you can give yourself permission to just not have to deal with Christmas. You can just say I'm only going to do the bare minimum because that's what feels aligned to me. And you know you might have times like, for example, it might be your first Christmas without a loved one. There may have been something traumatic that happened around Christmas time. There may just be very difficult family members who just don't view the world like you do, and then having to deal with them at Christmas gives you anxiety and makes you feel stressed. There could be loads of things going on in your family dynamic that just need that extra bit of love and protection around you whilst you're going through this holiday season.

Speaker 1: 2:41

So let's jump in. Set realistic expectations from the jump, okay. So, like I always set realistic expectations about what I can conflict I can commit to. Okay, like certain realistic expectations may not magically resolve existing conflicts, but actually people will know when to expect you, when to have interaction with you, and it's okay if everybody doesn't get along perfectly during that time. You can pick and choose how you navigate that, how often you see people, how you protect your time and how you rest during this time. Okay, I think as well when we have to deal with people who have very challenging viewpoints.

Speaker 1: 3:21

It's about picking our battles. If we fight everyone on everything, even if it doesn't feel like a line to us and what they're saying is absolute nonsense, you have to understand you can't control them. You can only control your reaction to them and the more power and the more energy you give to that person and their views, it almost like reinforces them, because people will become naturally more defensive over their views or their, their opinion or whatever, which then leads to arguments or disagreements or negative feelings. You know there are times where you can take that and just like choose your battle and then just hold that until you get home and then you scream it out in the car, you scream out into a pillow, you write a letter being like fuck you man, why the hell do you have to say that? Whatever it is, you can just hold it and release it later sometimes. I am not always one for like biting your tongue, but sometimes you just absolutely need to in order to survive that day again, not the most favorite method, and if you do that method, make sure you have a plan on how to release your emotions around that afterwards with our family. It's quite hard, but sometimes it's.

Speaker 1: 4:34

We need to look at them as people individually. So when I started to look at my mum as a woman with her own trauma, that massively shifted my perception on being able to handle, like, how she deals with things. So me and my mum are very different, like that's not a bad thing. Um, I think we're very similar in loads and loads of ways as well, but, like, our outlook on life is very, very different. So when I realized actually they're not just mum who's got this superhero cape on, who can, um, you know, carry that stigma of being the perfect person, when I realized she's a woman with her own trauma and her own experiences, that a that was, that was it I love. I was able to change my perspective and be able to just accept her for who she is and understand that we sometimes have had a difficult relationship because I've not understood her and I've not given her empathy when she's needed empathy. So sometimes it's about owning that a little bit and sometimes, when we are able to give empathy to our loved ones we have, it helps us to understand them and to just process our emotions and our feelings around it.

Speaker 1: 5:39

So even though, like, for example, you have a parent. They tried their best. It's not good enough, that's okay. It's okay to do that, but we need to understand why. We have to understand the why. And when we understand the why, I find that that will alleviate a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety.

Speaker 1: 5:57

And I've worked with clients who like, oh, I never knew why my dad wouldn't show up for me like this and why my mom didn't do that. Well, it's because they have their own trauma. Their mum didn't do that. Well, it's because they have their own trauma, their own fears, their own experiences, and in society we're taught that dads look like this and mums look like this and this is what they do and they hold everything together. But then when our parents fall apart, like what happens? Then like it, like nobody puts that in the, in the stereotype, nobody puts that in the stigma. But again, they're people with their own trauma and sometimes they miss a step. How many mistakes have you made in your life? Yeah, how many mistakes will you make in your life? Your parents are exactly the same and the same with your grandparents, your siblings, whatever. Sometimes people just miss a step.

Speaker 1: 6:36

Okay, and sometimes people are just not ready to deal with their trauma, like if you're on the spiritual path, it's because the past chose you, not them. Okay, and that's for a reason. It's because you can handle it and they can't. There's some people in life who can't handle going through the healing process. There's some people out there who just can't comprehend it, can't get their head around it, can't commit to it, because they literally cannot do it. That's it, okay, and you have to accept that sometimes not everybody in life is going to be as healed as you. Not everybody in life is going to invest in themselves like you have have. But that's beautiful, okay, because you've done that, you've done the work. You could be sat there exactly the same as them, but you haven't. You've done the work and now you're different and you're breaking the chain and you're breaking that ancestral trauma. How amazing, great doesn't make anything less frustrating. I get that, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel with that, okay.

Speaker 1: 7:27

So practicing empathy is a really, really good shout at Christmas time, because, yeah, I think as well when we're coming up to Christmas, it's that period of burnout as well, where we're like we've been socializing loads, we've been drinking loads, we've been probably eating loads, we've been doing overindulging in so many things that actually, when it does come to Christmas, we probably feel a little bit shit, and that so many things that actually, when it does come to Christmas, we probably feel a little bit shit and that's okay. So let's not take that out on family members. So this is for you, as a responsible adult, to not take it out on family members, but also, like, allow other family members to do their own thing based off what their experience is. I hope that makes sense and this kind of links in with establishing boundaries so you can determine what behaviors are unacceptable and communicate these boundaries assertively but calmly as well. Like, for example, if mum shows up at 5am on Christmas morning, hey, mum, don't do that this year. Why? Because I want to stay in bed. That's what I call you when I'm up. You know, be prepared to enforce them as well.

Speaker 1: 8:26

If, if necessary, you need to be able to say a boundary, communicate effectively, but and I mean I'd be straight with it, you know, don't pussyfoot around. Oh, you know well, if we do this, no, no, no, this is it, this is it. This is what we're doing. That's the boundary, that's it. I'm coming for dinner between 12 and 2. I will see you then. That's it, and be prepared to enforce them if necessary, especially because parents or caregivers or families they can sometimes make us feel really, really guilty about things. We just we have to come back with our boundaries. It doesn't matter how guilty they make us feel. If we go against our boundaries and we let them crumble, then we are the people who feel worse for it, okay, and we are the ones who have to deal with it. So, yeah, when we are getting together around the holiday period, we are probably seeing people that we haven't seen for a while.

Speaker 1: 9:17

So that's actually a bit of a positives um, and maybe focus the energy that you have on the positive aspects of the holiday gathering. So if that is meeting friends who you get along with, um, doing activities you love, try and focus on them instead of oh, I'm dreading this meal, I'm dreading seeing that person. Try and hold on to the positives that you get through through the holiday season. If you're I have a very topical maybe plan some neutral topics of conversation. You know, let's try and not go over past shit. Let's try and not discuss sensitive issues. Let's definitely not talk politics at the kitchen table when we're all having Christmas dinner. Let's just not do it this year. Why don't you just kind of have a little bit of a list of neutral conversation topics that you can distract people with to bring people back down? I know, again, it's all on you and I get that, but you are responsible for having a good time this Christmas, not anybody else. So it's important that we all take responsibility for for it. And if you want to have a better time this Christmas, sometimes we have to play our proactive role in that, in preventing rather than being reactive. So you know, planning some neutral topics of conversation like what holidays have happened this year, what people have for Christmas, like you know, just positive things or things that would be perceived as positive in your family situation.

Speaker 1: 10:47

Okay, this might not be a very popular one, but consuming alcohol is a. No, I would say, limit alcohol consumption as much as possible one, because you kind of lose your inhibitions a little bit with alcohol. It's also a depressant who wants to be more depressed at this time of year. I have no idea. Sad or sad is getting me up right now. Girls and boys and non-binary friends is getting me. Okay, I can't be doing this. This sad, sad weather, the droopy, sadness weather. I can't do it anyway. But yeah, limiting alcohol consumption. It's a depressant. It can escalate things more than it needs to. So limit alcohol consumption. You can have a glass of bucks fizz, but let's not drink three bottles of prosecco and call nana twatter right. Let's just not do that this Christmas.

Speaker 1: 11:38

Another thing to do is have an exit strategy. Things are starting to become a bit too difficult. Knowing you have an exit strategy it can provide you a sense of control and reduce anxiety. Oh god, aunt Sally is kicking off at Sarah again because of this or that or whatever. Well, oh, that's time for us to go now. The cat needs feeding, whatever it is. Come up with an exit strategy. Have something in the back pocket in order to make a speedy exit so you are able to just get out and do what you need to do. Okay. Something else that you might want to consider doing is surrounding yourself with people who can help you this holiday season. Okay, if that is friend, family and knowing who, somebody knowing who, knowing someone who understands what you're going through or your situation can be really comforting, and talking to them can actually be a really, really good way of getting things off your chest and understanding what's really important. And if maybe there's not a friend, a family member or whatever, if relationships are really difficult and they are severe and ongoing, you may want to kind of consider the assistance of a family therapist or counselor, a coach, you know. This might be somebody who can provide guidance on managing conflicts and improving communication within your family or for you specifically.

Speaker 1: 12:53

Okay, when we are going out and we are seeing people who are negative, we are carrying black crystals. Okay, obsidian, tourmaline, anything black that is going to absorb any negativity. We're doing that. Okay, we're doing it. I promise you. I've always got protective crystals on and it just helps to absorb any negativity. We are putting ourselves in a bubble of protection before we go through the door. We are visualizing ourselves in a nice pink bubble with mirrors on the outside which return all negativity back to sender, but also return positivity back to sender. We are cleansing the minute we get in the house. Okay, we are cleansing our energy the minute we get in the house. Okay, we are cleansing before we go. We are cleansing when we come back. So if you need help with cleansing, head to my website, download my free cleanse guide. You have multiple options in there in which you can cleanse your energy. You might even consider taking an aura spray to your family event where you can just spray yourself and just spray that protection around you. Okay, and that is all in my free cleanse guide on my website. Okay, so we are cleansing, we are protecting our energy energetically before we go in, because we need to have that protection around us, especially if we're dealing with difficult people, difficult emotions, all of that stuff.

Speaker 1: 14:09

There is nobody who is more important in this life than you. Okay, no one. I don't care what other people say or have made you feel before, but it is your responsibility to look after yourself. So you need to take care of your well-being during this holiday. If that's going to the gym, if it's booking a massage, if it's doing things that are just really relaxing and having some time for self-care and self-reflection, this is absolutely the time to do it, especially as most people get two weeks off for Christmas. I'm really sorry if you have to work over Christmas by the way, you're a little saint, we'll give you a clap but yeah, if you have time off, like, use this for self-care, embrace that like sleeping in and those nice baths, the reflection of the year, pulling out the good things from the last year, you know, do all of those things. That is really going to help take care of your emotional well-being during the holidays. Okay, this is a time where we need to amp up self-care. Why? Because we want to start being rejuvenated for the new year we've got. We're coming to the end of this year. We need to let go of all that stuff. Um, and if you haven't signed up already, you can join my new workshops, which are all about letting go, bringing in the goals for 2024 and the money mindset reset. If you wanted to join those workshops, then please send me a message book on my website if there's any spaces available. But if there's not, let me know and I can pop you on the waiting list. But, yeah, this is a perfect time to practice self-care, whatever that looks like for you, and don't be afraid to do the more deeper self-care around.

Speaker 1: 15:42

How did the holidays make me feel? Why do they make me feel like this? What can I do to change it and be more proactive that way? Not just a surface level. Chocolates in the bath with a nice glass of prosecco? Okay, and last but not least, if I don't even mention this, is it even my podcast? But, yeah, gratitude, be grateful for what you do have. Okay, during this holiday season, just try and be positive that the fact that you have food on the table, there are people who care about you, even if you don't agree with them or they are really difficult to get along with. You know, remember this season is about joy, connection and love, and that doesn't have to be with your family. It can be with your chosen family. It can be with your soul tribe. You may have found those people who are around you, who you can call on in times of need, and why not celebrate those those people? Okay, because as much as I would love to choose our families, we can't. We can only choose our friends, and sometimes they become our extended family families. We can't, we can only choose our friends, and sometimes they become our extended family.

Speaker 1: 16:44

And last but not least, I want to just say don't worry about the gifts. There is a cost of living crisis. Didn't you know that you're already the gift, babe? You're the gift to this family. So what I would say is please don't panic about money and about the gift. It's the thought that counts. And if it's not, the thought that counts in your family, then, tough, they get nothing. They get fuck all on toast. That's what they get. Okay, don't worry about money. Don't get yourself into debt over Christmas. It's absolutely not worth it, because material things don't always equal happiness.

Speaker 1: 17:11

Okay, find out other ways that you can create happiness and joy in your family or with the people that you love without spending a bomb. You don't need to, okay, so this episode is super, super short, because I wanted to be short, snappy, something you can listen to whilst you're dashing between shops in your Christmas shopping, and I just want you to just really take care of yourself over the next week. And, um, the episodes don't stop. So there will be an episode out on Monday. I don't know what I'm going to talk about on Monday yet, but, um, there will be an episode out on Christmas day. So if you really want to avoid your family, you can pop the earphones in and you can listen to me.

Speaker 1: 17:47

I know that's exactly what you're gonna do, you know, whilst you're in a turkey coma, um, and yeah, I just hope that over this holiday season, you find time for for yourself, you do the self-care, you look after yourself because, like I said earlier. You are the most important person in the entire world Nobody else you, okay. So look after yourself, take care, watch your pennies. Don't spend an absolute bomb on people just to prove that you love them. You should be able to do that through love alone, not material goods. And if you need anything over the holiday season, I'll be having a very quiet one, so please email me, drop me a message on instagram. Wherever you need, you can find me on these socials and, yeah, I will be on the socials doing my thing and yeah, if you have any questions, if you have any feedback, if you have anything at all, just message me. I love a chat, but, yeah, wishing you all the best for this holiday season, guys, and I'll speak to you on christmas day. Bye, thank you.