How Living With Exceptional Artists Made Me Shrivel Into A Ghost Of Myself

Hey there, lovely listeners! I’m thrilled to share this deeply personal episode with you. Buckle up—it’s a journey through trust, self-discovery, and the magic of female friendships.

In this episode, I peel back the layers of my own experiences. Growing up, I gravitated toward male friendships—maybe it was the simplicity, the lack of emotional complexity. But my twenties brought a different tune: inappropriate behavior, shattered trust, and a gnawing feeling of inadequacy.

Then came the turning point: moving in with a group of fierce, independent women. Suddenly, my perspective shifted. Their strength, vulnerability, and unwavering support forced me to confront my deep-seated insecurities. It was like a crash course in emotional growth.

In this episode, I spill the paint-splattered beans. We’ll talk about the power of female bonds—the late-night heart-to-hearts, the shared laughter, and the unbreakable sisterhood. And spoiler alert: It’s not just about trusting others; it’s about trusting myself.

So, grab your favorite mug, settle in, and let’s explore how to step out of our comfort zones, embrace vulnerability, and—most importantly—cultivate self-worth.

Remember, imperfections are our canvas—the brushstrokes that make us beautifully human.

Creatives and entrepreneurs have so much in common - let's bridge the gap of acknowledgement and leverage our creativity!

Stay tuned for upcoming episodes (post episode #7) for interviews with exceptional creatives and entrepreneurs from around the world!

And stick around to follow the journey of an artist in business school (me!) - hope I am able to help you in your journey to career freedom!

Transcript

1:18

Today, I'm going to talk about what it's like to be a woman that struggles to trust other women. And I'm going to start by explaining a little bit of my history so you can get a bit of an understanding as to why this might be. Why I also think, there are so many other women just like me and possibly just like yourself too. And hopefully by the end of the video you'll get maybe some reassurance and some practical know how as to how to change that because I think there's a lot of great upsides to Having, or being able to build relationships with other women. Because we understand each other. We've shared very similar situations in our lives. And we can learn a lot from each other. So, there was a point in time where I, didn't really have female friends, and the ones that I did, they identified as queer, possibly non binary, they were just more masculinely inclined, as was I at the time. I've just always thought men were easier to understand and to spend time with for some reason in my head, Women had ulterior motives that I was uncomfortable with. But with men, and I guess this is because I would befriend men who were just overall good people, not douchebags. But this all kind of started to change when I was in my twenties. Or when I had gotten into my 20s, because I am still in my 20s. But I had had several disgusting and inappropriate scenarios that I faced with certain men in my life as an adult woman. And so naturally, I started to just have an overarching disgust for guys. in general. I could not trust that they didn't want to just quote unquote befriend me to fuck me. Just, I couldn't get over that feeling. So, having understood this, I realized that I didn't want to be living with guys anymore. And I was able to find a A house share with three amazing independent women And I decided to move in with them like knowing that it was going to be difficult and a challenge for me Like I was going to have to get over feelings and obstacles that I had regarding, you know, building a relationship with other women. I remember during my, getting to know the roommates just before we agreed to, move in together and all of that, I thought they were just incredible. they were all creatives, but not just like creatives hobby wise. They were actually doing shit with their lives. they were a bit older than me. Two of them were close to their 30s, so like 28, 29. The other one was 25. I was, I think I was 21 or 22. I think I was 21. And I really looked up to them, just from how they spoke, how they showed up for themselves. They were just so comfortable in their own skin. they made me feel comfortable in those conversations when we're all together. I was personally very self conscious. And when I moved in with them, It was, it was fine. Like, it was, it was actually great to see them go about their days and have all these different things happening. were like, each self employed. One of them, had started their own, company in the entertainment business during COVID and it was launching and doing really well. She was putting in a lot of hours. it was so amazing to see. cause I hadn't really been around people like that before. The people I was living with before were very not that. they were mostly depressed. Didn't really have much to say. Aim towards, or we're like very small-minded, I, I really believe in that idea of, you know, the people you spend the most time with will be essentially what shape you? Right? And so I was like, man, I really hope I get to move in and live here with you guys because. You're kind of an inspiration to me. I don't have role models in my physical surroundings that are doing what you guys are doing and this is what I want to be doing too. So I, I kind of wanted to like feed through, is it osmosis or some crap, feed off their confidence and like discipline and just positive energy. I kind of, I guess I envied their ability to just be themselves and take life by the horns and just do the shit that they needed to be doing and, you know, really stepping out of their comfort zone. It was so invigorating and encouraging. I actually moved in with them and I was super happy that, I mean, the house itself, the flat itself was awesome. It was big, large living room. There was like a big space, to dance in with like big mirrors. And I really felt like I had bloody made it. I had graduated a year before. I was just kind of working part time at a cafe. there wasn't much happening, that was really fueling my insides. It was just me going to work, da da da da da. but when I moved in with the girls, they kind of, They connected me with a bunch of other people, from the warehouse, and I got to meet a lot of different creative people who were all doing these different things, and I, you know, it was almost like an overflow of, this feeling that I was not doing nearly as much or as well as all of these other people, right? that whole idea of, like, comparing yourself really started to gnaw at me. I was still more about fueling that desire to, pick myself back up, take more action, be more present in life and take some risks. The thing is, it was just so hard for me to be in the house after a while. I got a bit comfortable with just living in it, right? Just kind of cooking and doing my laundry, all of that. And because they were all super independent and had a lot of stuff going on, there was hardly a time when we would all, get to sit down and chat and get to know each other better. And through the summertime, I had a lot of time for myself. And they were all kind of doing their own things. They all had, you know, friends and events to go to. And they were, you know, working because they were in the entertainment stuff. And I was just kind of doing my own thing. Once winter hit, though, then they started spending a lot more time at home. Which makes sense. And I began proper struggling with that. Because all this time that I had for myself to just be in my own space, you know, enjoy my own time, now there was always someone around me. And that someone was someone that was just always turned on, it seemed. And when they weren't, because of course there were times when they were just chilling out, I was unable to get over that. And so, I started spending a lot more time in my own room. Which was smaller, the ceiling was slanted. It was a very compact space. I'm 5'8 I could only stand Up, fully. One third of the way. of my room, if that makes any sense. Like, you open the door and if you split the room into three sections, I can only stand on the first section. And I know this may seem like an unnecessary detail, But because I kept shoving myself in there and, you know, eating in there and spending most of my time in that small room, anytime I would get out of the room to go do something else or maybe make myself some food or whatever it was, I think it continued to like re frame my mindset. It felt like I was this. Disgusting little tiny person that was just like like a little hermit that was just getting out of its den. Also the bed was like on the floor like it didn't actually, well it did have a bed frame but it was really short so it was basically like I was on the floor and I think at one point I did dismantle the bed frame. Yeah, and then I just had the mattress on the floor. It was, it was just, it was like I was camping in a little room. And so that again, it just made me feel small and kind of worthless. And I wasn't doing anything for myself that would get me out of that headspace. because I started to feel so small. And kind of worthless and gross. like a little gremlin in that tiny room. I had, you know, become even more distant as a flatmate I started to feel like an, like a, like an imposter in my own home. I didn't like going downstairs and cooking in front of them because I was afraid that they were going to judge me, um, for whatever I was cooking, um, or how I was cooking. I didn't like standing in front of them, um, when they were just around. Like, if they were on their phone in the kitchen, I felt really uncomfortable and I just didn't know how to, I just didn't know how to be. It was super awkward. Um, and I would try to start, you know, conversation sometimes. And, you know, sometimes that would be great. Other times, not so much, like maybe they were just really engaged with whatever they were doing on their phone. Um, and I felt like, you know, I, I shouldn't really be taking up their time. but the one thing that helped was when I started to, express to them what was going on. I started to feel, I started to apologize about for how I was being. Um, cause I didn't want to, I didn't want to send the wrong message. I didn't want them to feel like, you know, I want, I was trying to avoid them, but rather it was that I was so outside of my comfort zone. It was, it was just hard for me to engage with them, when I felt so small and worthless in comparison. And I felt like they would just be judging me, or thinking that I was wasting my life and my time, which in reality was just how I felt about myself, right? And I was putting them, I had put them on a pedestal, so From day one, right? I literally moved in hoping to be able to have their, their energy inflict me. But in reality, It kind of had the opposite effect because I hadn't worked on myself concept enough to understand that where I was, one was exactly where I needed to be, right? The very fact that I had all these negative connotations to my life and to the relationship I had with them, um, It was about going through that. It was going through that, um, uncomfortable situation that allowed me to build back up or to reframe my how I saw myself. Um, but it took, it took a long time. It took a while. I was with them for about two years. And by the end of it, it was, I was still struggling with it. I, I don't think, to be honest, I, I, I'm trying to think if I would be able to get over that, if I was to move back in with them. But if I'm being completely honest, the very fact that I haven't maintained contact with them at all, it's really something I need to get better at, honestly. I do still struggle with, like, how other people see me and perceive me. Which is hilarious because I'm actually, I'm actually a good person. Like, I've made mistakes and crap. But I think one of the great things about me is that I'm able to give people space. Like, allow them to be themselves. And I'm all for other people being themselves. Like, I can take it, let's go, open up, bro. But I can, I really struggle with doing that for myself. A lot less now. But I still do. And I think a big part of that has to do with, like, being a, being a solitary person. I love spending a lot of time by myself. I really, really do. And I feel like if I spend too much time with people. all of the time, which was how I was with them, because I was living with them, right? It didn't allow me enough time and space to just reflect. Whereas now, I think I'm a lot more capable of showing up and being comfortable with who I am and where I'm at. Like, I'm not where I want to be yet. Not by any bloody means, but I'm a lot better. closer to my ideal self than I was back then. And I think a big part of that is the fact that I now live with my partner in a really big house. So we both have our own individual rooms apart from like the bedroom and a big garden and we have our own things. He works in the garden, I work in my office, like it's just, there's movement on both ends but we're doing separate things. Whereas with the girls it was, there was a lot more, like, regular contact with several different people. Because they were all very different. Um, and that's what was even more awesome, was that I saw three, Bloody amazing women go through so many ups and downs as they were trying to rebuild their lives or change direction or push through. It was amazing. It was amazing. And yet, I didn't afford myself the opportunity to fully bond with them. It was amazing. And build a real connection because I didn't see myself as valuable enough to have a relationship with. And the thing is, the few times that I shared this with them, and usually it was through independent conversations with each of them. Most of the time the reaction was, What the fuck are you talking about? I remember, I remember Claire actually. Um, who was 30 at this point. I, I told her how, how feel around them a lot. just shared, you know, shared the, the icky side. I, Of how I was feeling living there. And she said that, look, I've been there. We've all been there. You know, you go through a period in life where you're trying to figure out who you want to be, the steps you need to be taking, and it can feel really almost demotivating to see and be around people that are like, many, many steps ahead of you. You And compare your life to their life. And we do this on a regular basis, right? Even with, like, with people on the internet, let's say. And it can be motivating, I think, in doses. But when you're around them and you're struggling with your mental health and your self concept, to be in that space can be quite overwhelming. Especially if the people around you aren't able to you know give you the time of day to Help you there It's not their duty to do so at all But I know that if I was in their shoes, I personally in like myself Myself I would be able to pick up on that And, I'd be a lot more inclined to, you know, talk to them, talk, talk to that person, talk them through how they're feeling, maybe give them some different perspectives. And this is by no fault, like their own, like they didn't do anything wrong. They were just going about their lives doing what they needed to be doing for themselves. But I feel like if I had had a chance to Express that more, I probably would have gotten Not over it, but I think I would have left at a better place in myself. And I think that's, and that's kind of the main lesson with this story. If I had pushed my limits and stepped out of my comfort zone. which, you know, to be fair, I did, I did do that. It just wasn't, it's just that the emotional mental side of it wasn't shared. nearly as much as when would try to like, physically, like put my physical body outside, do something in front of them as they're doing something else. Be it dancing or painting. Um, cause, yeah, I was so afraid, I was so afraid of doing that. But, you know, after a while, you get more used to it. You get more used to it. You really do. I continued painting down there for, um, several months. And I remember making a really, really shitty painting once. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna fucking leave it here. I'm gonna leave it here! People can see it, they can say whatever, not say whatever, it's gonna deal with it. And it was just the act of like putting myself out there, right? That, um, helps me get over this ridiculous fear. Or even when I would, like, dance. I love to dance. I dance very regularly. And because we had such a big space with the mirrors and there was a pole in the house, like, It was just, it was so much fun. But I really struggled with doing that when they were there. And that's the thing, I was living in a warehouse with these girls. Like, and when I say warehouse, it was like, literally an industrial warehouse where there were several flats that had been um built up within it and in it there was like it was basically just artsy creative weird people living in each of the flats so if you go into one of them like it's usually a flat that's in disarray but everyone's just kind of happy and bubbling doing their own thing doing just bizarre stuff And I feel like I really could have made better use of it, but because I struggled so much with like a poor self concept, I keep saying this word, I'm gonna go into it I think on my next video, but it would have, it would have completely changed the game for me if I had just spoken my truth. So yeah, I think that's the biggest lesson I had, um, for today, was, you know, be open, be vulnerable, the people that care about you will be glad and grateful that you shared aspects of you that you are uncomfortable with, and the people that give you shit, well, man, Let them be like Get them out of their lives of your lives. You don't need them. You don't need them And if they are for whatever reason needed in your life, then express like man, that was kind of rude You know, I was just kind of sharing this thing with you about myself that I'm already uncomfortable doing Or sharing, and you just kind of kicked me when I'm down. Like, that's so unnecessary. So yeah, that was my little story I know just from talking to other people about this, um, situation or this story. I've learned that a lot of people have felt the same way. We're all just human beings. We can't help but to compare each other. But we need to get out of that and we need to be a more open and vulnerable. think the only way we're going to learn that we're all in the same goddamn fucking boat. We're all just trying.