At the age of 10, my world was irrevocably changed by the trauma of sexual abuse. In this episode, I share the profound impact this violation had on my life and the spiritual journey it catalyzed. Alongside my story, we delve into the account of my friend's non-consensual experience orchestrated by her ex-boyfriend. Through these narratives, we explore the deep-seated feelings of betrayal, fear, and the challenging path to reclaiming a sense of safety and sexual identity. These stories highlight how trust and healing are crucial in the aftermath of such violations.

Have you ever wondered how trauma manifests physically? We discuss the intricate connection between emotional wounds and physical sensations, especially focusing on the body's responses to sexual trauma. By identifying and feeling into these bodily sensations, we can begin to process and transform the emotional barriers that arise. We explore therapeutic techniques that guide you through introspection and acknowledgment, emphasizing how the protective barriers our mind creates can lead to confusion and feelings of betrayal. Through this exploration, we aim to offer insights and tools for processing deeply ingrained emotional wounds.

Rediscovery and joy are central themes as we reconnect with our inner child and embrace creativity. Reflecting on personal anecdotes, we discuss the importance of nurturing the playful aspects within us, which can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life. By addressing the sense of abandonment and taking responsibility for past actions, we can foster self-compassion and heal from shame and self-disappointment. This episode underscores the necessity of balancing healing with daily responsibilities and the transformative power of integrating joy and playfulness into our adult lives. Unleash your inner creative energy and experience a life filled with beauty and fulfillment.

To learn more go to www.theartreality.com

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00:00
I'm going to start by saying that I am a person that's been through sexual trauma. You know, as simple as that. I was sexually abused when I was 10 years old once, and I didn't tell anybody until I was 26. And the entirety of my quote unquote spiritual evolution, this journey, this fucking ride, you know, of transformation, of growth, progress, of change, of love, no-transcript, like every aspect of myself, was to perpetuate this egoic shell that kept that secret secret. And once that secret was out, it's like somebody pulled the foundation from under my legs, or that's how it felt at the time, and my life just like imploded, exploded, imploded in every direction.

01:40
Um, I don't believe this is what's happening with you, but I just want to preface that this is that big of a thing, you know, like it can be that big of a thing. The reproductive system is the foundation of our being. If you look at the body, it's built in layers. The reproductive system is the, is the core layer, it's the first layer, basically, of our body, and so any wound that is inflicted there reverberates across the entirety of the body. I say all of this because because, off the microphone, yesterday you shared something with me and I now wonder, and I still leave that as an option for you, not to you know. I wonder if you want to also share that with the world.

Speaker 2Guest

02:39
Sure. So I have a ex-boyfriend. We were together for two years. We broke up around less than a year ago and then, you know, still continue to like, see each other and hook up and this and that, and it was one of those volatile, back and forth, very passionate relationships, I guess you can say. But to give a little bit of context, we had a very wild sexual relationship, on the verge of getting into the kinky realm and things like that, and this was probably a year ago. I can't even remember when it happened. I feel like it was before 2023, so somewhere probably end of 2022.

03:26
We were, you know, having our sexy time and getting things on and talking dirty, and we were talking about having a threesome and inviting another person into the space and his kind of fantasy was I'm a white Caucasian woman is to bring a black man, and you know, I talked dirty back. We were, you know, it was just kind of a turn on moment is what I thought in my head. And then all of a sudden, in the middle of all of this, he goes oh wait, he's here and I go what? And he's like he's here, I'll be right back. And then he just closed the door and left his apartment and I was just sitting in my lingerie on the ground of his fucking floor and he can walks in with him with a black man that I don't know, never met, don't know how he met him, don't know how he found him. Um, and he orders him to fuck me.

04:20
Um, on my knees, while I'm looking at my ex-boyfriend's into his eyes and the other guys behind me and, um, I was freaked the fuck out. I was in shock. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't want it, I didn't. I was. I was begging and pleading with my eyes looking into my ex-boyfriend's eyes and there was tears coming down my eyes and I was absolutely in fear and he ignored it all and I think the guy behind me knew that I was not like actually consenting to this and was surprised and was not on board and he became soft. So he stopped in the condom, slipped off.

04:58
So then my ex got up and goes I'll get you another one. So he went out into his room and I sat there and I didn't move and I didn't move a muscle. And he went and got another room and I sat there and I didn't move and I didn't move a muscle and he went and got another condom and gave it to him and ordered him to put it back on and to continue to continue to fuck me. And, um, then he tried and then I freaked out. I got up, I went into the bathroom, I locked the door and I was primed. So my ex-boyfriend exported the guy out and then knocked on the door and I was thinking he was gonna be like I'm so sorry, like this went all wrong. I was at the heat of the moment or something like that. You know some something's coming compassionate, and instead I opened the door and he slapped me across the face and told me I fucked up. And then after that, we did it many, many, many more times so that I can prove that I wasn't a fuck-up.

Speaker 1Host

05:52
Well, it's crazy how that doesn't get easier to. To like hold, I guess wow, every time that's my reaction, you know it's just shock yeah, and you've met him, so you know.

Speaker 2Guest

06:15
You know him like you know his demeanor, so you know I do I'm not just some random person that if telling you a story about a stranger that you can't even know if you've met him a couple times, yeah, that's kind of what I'm dealing with. And then I kind of think I accepted it into more of a perverse manner because that's the only way I could and convinced I was turned on by it. But I'm not. And now I'm very petrified to get into another romantic relationship where someone may bring this up, because I just I don't think that I know how to be that way in a healthy way and I'm also afraid of again not being someone not keeping me safe and putting me in danger. And there was many other times where it was quite dangerous, quite, quite dangerous thank you for the trust.

Speaker 1Host

07:22
You know I mean that's the first thing that really I have to say this takes a lot of trust, so I appreciate that. Personally, I know it takes a lot of trust because I've done it and it does. It takes a lot of trust in yourself also to be able to just speak about these things. You know, fuck the repercussions, like just spill the beans, right, yeah, yeah and then you know, beyond that, you know we've been broken up.

Speaker 2Guest

08:01
he has a new girlfriend and the past three months he's been texting me from scrambled numbers because I've blocked him from every social media account, every my cell phone number, my everything that he can ever reach me on, because I never want to speak to him again.

08:15
And he scrambles his numbers and calls me and tells me I'm a piece of shit and that he owns me and not to forget that, that he wants to see me again and we're going to hook up again, even though he has a girlfriend, and to never remember what a piece of shit I am. Um. So last night I actually text one of his best friends and was kind of told him a PG version of him constantly um, texting me and wanting to hook up, and that I didn't know the state of his current relationship. And then I wanted nothing to do with it and I want him to never contact me again. So his friend wrote me a nice text back and was like I'm very sorry to hear this. Do we to just tell him that his behavior is unacceptable? And I said I think that's the best thing to do right now and I really do think he needs therapy and he needs rehab because he is a drug addict I'll tell you again what I told you yesterday.

Speaker 1Host

09:14
First of all, fuck him I know like.

09:20
However messed up he must be and and he is, and I'll say that with gusto Fuck him Right now. We're here with you. That's really the important bit. This man has done enough damage already and I'll tell you again what I told you yesterday. This is what I've learned from these experiences. First of all, everything around this is delicate. Everything around this is delicate, meaning you don't want to be a wrecking ball in this situation. You want to be a surgeon. It's a big wound and everything hurts. Be a surgeon um, it's a big wound and everything hurts.

10:10
You want to approach this with as much caution and as much gentleness and as much compassion as you can possibly muster, especially for yourself. Uh, which is hard in the beginning of this process, because all you want to do is blame yourself. A large part of, uh, going through something like this is the thought that it's your fault and even though I went through something similar as a kid, you went through it as an adult. We came to the same conclusion. Still, you know that it's my fault and I feel that it's. It's something to do with wanting to own the experience, wanting to take responsibility for it, wanting wanting to say at least it was my fault. It's a really weird thing, like if it's your fault and that means you had a hand in it, which is almost easier sometimes you know, well, I mean, that's what I did is I was like it's my fault, now I'm gonna own it.

Speaker 2Guest

11:10
And you know that's what went back, did it again, fucking. I did it again, again, again, just like uh, and then now, because I, I, I helped, I helped perpetuate it, I became a willing participant and that, to me, is my fault. It was my choice. I didn't stop it, I didn't break up with him, I didn't leave that night, I stayed.

Speaker 1Host

11:36
I don't see it like that. I think this person and I know him also- I just feel so fucking weak he has.

11:47
He has, um, he has an ability to see a person's weaknesses and strengths. He can see more dimensions than the third dimension. He has all sorts of spiritual gifts that he's opened, but unfortunately for him, you and the planet, he's using them for manipulation and coercion. Yes, this is probably the worst thing you could possibly do and I told you this yesterday Probably the worst thing you could possibly do. The repercussions of this on his person are immense and eternal.

12:28
Meaning to take something that is sacred and perverse it and and use it to manipulate others is is truly deplorable, not only in this sense, but in a really much larger sense. So, as I told you yesterday, he's getting his and he's gonna get get his too. But, beyond that, to say it was your fault was just like me saying it was my fault. Yeah, you know, I was tricked by an adult. You know what I mean. Like I was tricked and coerced by an adult that knew much more than me and understood a lot more than me about everything, and this is the same case. Weirdly, this is exactly the same comparison.

13:18
This person knew a lot more about your weaknesses, about how to to manipulate, and he had much less compassion than you thought, and so you were tricked, just as much as I was tricked so so for you to blame yourself would be like I was blaming my 10 year old self, you know, but that kid was 10 yeah and so you kind of gonna have to give yourself that same credit, no, the credit that says I didn't know better.

Speaker 2Guest

13:51
Yeah.

Speaker 1Host

13:52
Like with the information you had. That was the decision you made and you didn't know better. And there were people around you that did know better and were using that information to control and coerce you. And so the first part about all of this is dealing with the confusion of what happened and how did it happen and why did it happen? And did it happen? Was this even what you think it was? And the first thing I told you yesterday was yes, you know, this is as bad as you think it was meaning. This is point blank sexual abuse. Yeah, no matter how you want to look at it and I'm not saying that to victim you to make you into a victim of this, but more for you to recognize that what happened happened- yeah, yeah.

14:51
And, weirdly, that's step one. You know, just that simple recognition that says, wow, this really happened, this really happened. And now I'm forced to contend with the wound that it left really happened, and now I'm forced to contend with the wound that it left. Now I'm going to repeat again what I told you yesterday. I've been contending with my wound for the better part of seven years six, seven years now and all I can say is I've learned that the only way to deal with a sexual wound is through sexual energy, meaning that is where this festering grenade is, and so to have any chance of integrating it, maybe not as step one, but eventually you're going to have to go and start exploring that part of yourself, start exploring sexual energy, start understanding where this wound is in your body, understanding how can you give yourself the space and the love necessary for that to start healing. You give yourself the space and the love necessary for that to start healing. And how, even with that wound, can you still invite others into your life and into another vulnerable, sacred space, which right now might sound absolutely impossible. But I can assure you that that's where we're going. But I can assure you that that's where we're going.

16:27
The end game here is, weirdly, to take this experience and transmute it into a reason for you to dive into these realms of sexual energy, to understand it further, a reason for you to grow in creativity, a reason for you to heal the traumas that came before this, because this was only made possible because of previous traumas that this man has identified as ways to control you. And so when he came into that room and he told you that you're not good enough, that was him knowing, as an adult, fully aware that this is a wound you have from your father from before, and utilizing that in order to control you. That's fucking dark. And utilizing that in order to control me, that's fucking dark. That's dark.

Speaker 2Guest

17:36
He knows exactly what he's doing. That's dark. He's very smart. He's very smart and he loves to manipulate women and make them feel like shit and also to make them feel like they're in love. To make them Feel like they're in love. At the same time, it's fucking fucked up, really fucked up.

Speaker 1Host

17:51
Men should be shot, if you ask me.

Speaker 2Guest

17:54
I know others that have gone through this and I know I know one girl that changed her phone number 10 times and he keeps finding her. He's a predator.

Speaker 1Host

18:07
He's a predator's a predator, definitely a predator, yeah. And so our first move into this would be to feel into the body. I'm gonna help you with this, but I want you to sit there for a second, now that all of this is out there. Every time we talk about it, it spews more pus in you, it evacuates more of the space of the wound, it moves it. So now, for a second, I just want you to sit there and I want you to feel into your body. And I want you to tell me this this yucky feeling you were discussing yesterday, this disgusting feeling, where is it?

Speaker 2Guest

19:00
um, like in my body right now. I'm feeling it like, like around my belly button, like, like, like it's like reading in a circle, like around my hips yeah yeah, mostly in my hips that's exactly it.

Speaker 1Host

19:19
I would even go more specific and tell you that it is very specifically in your reproductive system, very specifically around the cervix, the fallopian tubes.

19:37
It hasn't touched the uterus, which is lucky relatively, because the uterus is a very, very, very important part of creation and reality creation, and so the manifestations that this brought have been relatively limited, meaning this is bad, but it's not as bad as it could have been.

20:01
Energetically speaking, energetically speaking for now, then, I'm going to put a magnet on this area and I'm going to invite you to kind of feel it. It's going to be subtle, I'm not going to poke it too hard, basically is what I'm saying, but I want you to feel into that area for a second. I'm not going to poke it too hard, basically is what I'm saying, but I want you to feel into that area for a second and see what thoughts come, what images come, what emotions come, and we're going to just start, like, chunk by chunk, feeling through this particularly nasty thing that is still very much active in you and processing it together. That's, that's basically it. You know, like we've done before, only higher stakes. You know, basically same process, only more vulnerable, more painful, more everything, but more transformative also, thank you. Can you feel anything?

Speaker 2Guest

22:00
yeah, like if you picture like my pelvis is like a triangle, like the top is like radiating, like this, and then there's like like a deep like, like like it's not a puncture room, it's like a punch, like my hip sockets, yeah, and then I can feel it just radiating down like straight down that's definitely where we're at right now um and it's like.

22:32
It's kind of like you ever use those like icy, hot things. It's like icy and then it's hot. Do you know what I mean? Like those like, yeah, that wet muscle stuff, you put cream, you put on yeah, it's like it feels icy and then it's hot, and then it's icy and it's hot I feel that, I feel that very weirdly and clearly, that's a new one for me that's a new sensation.

Speaker 1Host

22:58
I think that's that's, that's what I've been seeing in you for a while now. This, this stop start energy. Yeah, like like a really serious stop start energy yeah, yeah like you start something and you stop, and you start and you go and you stop, and, and like there's always the desire to, but then the energy doesn't meet the desire you know right right um, there's this constant back and forth and I can tell you now, in case you were wondering this is why yeah meaning this is uh, it's like I don't want to I don't want to address this.

Speaker 2Guest

23:40
It's like I want to address the situation but I don't want to. I don't want to fully address it.

Speaker 1Host

23:45
You know it's like I want to yeah I want to start a project and I'm like, I, just I'm like I just give up, you know yeah, and I can tell you that that's a direct result of this one, like a direct result of this one, because you, you've just been put in a state of confusion. There's nothing more confusing than not trusting your own body in sex, yeah, and you've been put through that situation repeatedly, meaning this is kind of a compound experience and what it creates is a pretty serious disconnect between what the body feels and what the mind thinks, because that's the only way you could possibly go through that. You have to wall that off, you have to create that distance. Am I making sense so far? Yeah, and so this is where this wall is Meaning.

25:14
You've placed it there, kind of as a way to protect yourself from the horrors that happen. You know, and that stop-start energy is kind of that barrier. You know meaning. Your energy wants to flow, but there's a barrier, so it constantly hits that barrier but it wants to flow, but there's a barrier, so it constantly hits that barrier but it wants to flow, but it hits the barrier. The thing is, you put that barrier there because you had to. I'll give you an example for me I had the same barriers placed there. An example for me I had the same barriers placed there, because in my case it's one of the weirdest things about this concept of rape or sexual abuse the body still kind of gets turned on, you know, yeah, the body still kind of gets turned on.

Speaker 2Guest

26:12
You know, yeah, like the body still.

Speaker 1Host

26:15
I mean, if you rub it it'll it'll activate, you know yeah, yeah and so, even though the situation is so fucked, the body kind of still reacts that way, and that creates a certain disconnect between you and your body, or your, your nervous system and your body, because in your mind that feels like a betrayal of sorts. It's like what is my body betraying me? But not really. It's really more a matter of this is the defense mechanism you put in place in order to survive what happened and I say the word survive very intentionally, because you survived something here, believe it or not. I know it's weird to think of yourself like that, but that's what happened. You had to survive a very difficult situation and so, yeah, you did what you had to do. But now, if you allow me, we're going to remove this wall together, and by removing this wall, you'll see that your energy will start to flow a lot better. But the first thing you'll have to contend with is the debris of the wall, because that will flow through you too.

Speaker 2Guest

27:40
Yeah.

Speaker 1Host

27:42
So the first might be a little bit gunky, but after that the energy will start to flow really well, okay. Okay, explain to you what I'm doing here. I'm basically going into your energy, in in the greater sense, in the place where we are all one. I can travel freely through space, time, anything, and I'm going to this particular place in your body and I'm to this particular place in your body and I'm literally taking the wall apart.

Speaker 2Guest

28:36
I can see it it's a wall you can feel it like, like crumbling, yeah, so I'm literally doing that.

Speaker 1Host

28:46
That's kind of step one for us just to let the energy flow and to dismantle the defense mechanism. Thankfully, I know it's weird to be thankful for this, but if this was a decade of this, that wall would have been much bigger and you would have built a whole fence around the wall and a whole, like whole, personality around the fence. So so, relatively, this is going to be straightforward, however still painful, like it is what it is, and I'm going to ask you to close your eyes and just kind of allow your creative energy, your sexual energy, to kind of exist and increase. We're basically done with the stop. Start, yeah, with the hot cold yeah, now it's like pulsing yeah, where is it pulsing?

Speaker 2Guest

30:23
it's like right from the center. It's like this, you know, like that right the gracious center good.

Speaker 1Host

30:41
This is why you've had a lot less energy over the last few weeks. It's not that our sessions made you have less energy, but you were brought into the awareness of what's been sucking your energy. And it's just been getting bigger the more you kind of focus on it. But it gets bigger before it releases. It's always like that. So it started sucking more energy, taking more from you. It was doing that so that you could see it finally and kind of release it. It left you no choice but to share your secret.

Speaker 2Guest

31:21
No.

Speaker 1Host

31:21
I know.

Speaker 2Guest

31:22
And after everything we've been talking about and everything else, this is always a little voice in the back of my head like, fucking, let it out, tell it, it happened, hello, it happened.

31:35
Hi, I'm here yeah, it happened, yeah, it did happen and I just tried to tell myself like I don't know, I don't know why, I don't know why. I just I felt like I mean, I'm like I had a lot of fucking issues, but I'm just like you know, that can't be that significant. I guess you know. I felt like I mean, I'm like I had a lot of fucking issues, but I'm just like you know, that can't be that significant, I guess you know. And then the most confusing part of his head is that he became a willing participant. You know, and that's where I'm disappointed in myself.

Speaker 1Host

32:12
I didn't know how to keep myself safe.

32:14
I'll tell you what I told you yesterday Our first impulse is often to blame ourselves and to judge.

32:29
Especially when it comes to sexual activity, because of all the taboos and all of the ways we've been brought up around sex, which is already very diseased and very unhelpful we jump to judging really quick, especially with ourselves.

32:51
With this, the journey of learning to love yourself as a person that's been through this is the journey of learning not to judge so much and to be kinder to yourself as you heal, and to learn to not not use the defense mechanisms we've built for the outside world on ourselves because it's so easy to do, you know, it's so easy to like self-flagellate and to just beat yourself up over it because it's your go-to like when you fail in your mind or when you do, you're like okay, I have to course correct, but this one works completely different from any other thing you've done. In this one, the softer you can get, the sweeter you can get, the the more loving you can get towards yourself and this wound, the more it will heal. And so every time you catch yourself trying to cast blame or cast judgment, do your best to kind of hold and you can even speak to yourself, you can even can even go.

Speaker 2Guest

34:09
No, you know that it's okay, like I did the best with what I could and and maybe, and that was enough, like for the time being yeah, no, yeah, and you know what I kind of am getting there, and at this point it's it's more like evaluating and analyzing my thought process before versus now. Do you know what I mean? Like yeah, like like accepting a new thought process before versus now.

Speaker 1Host

34:30
Do you know?

Speaker 2Guest

34:30
what I mean. Like yeah, like like accepting a new thought process and like letting the old one go yeah, let's talk about that.

Speaker 1Host

34:42
I mean what? What is the old process and what is the new process? I think it would be good to give it some words at the extreme.

Speaker 2Guest

34:49
You know, the old process was me going to any vice that was fucking in front of me cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, like that was the old process was run away yeah, feel good find pleasure somewhere. Find pleasure somewhere you don't need pleasure. Find pleasure, um. And the new process is sit with your shit, it's fucking you up sit down the shit it's like a video game and they face it down and level up.

Speaker 1Host

35:21
You know yeah, it is like a video game. It's just inside of us.

Speaker 2Guest

35:25
But yeah, it's exactly like that yeah, and it's like you know we continue talking about the fear of the punch. It's never it was worse. It's exactly like that. Yeah, and it's like you know we continue talking about the fear of the punch. It's never it was worse. It's just taking the punch like yeah I'm already. I'm already damaged. Go for it, you know yeah I'll heal, I keep healing you know, it's true, quite resilient broke both my toes. I got in a car accident.

35:46
I keep healing from here, you know you didn't break both of your toes yeah, and within the six-week period, I'm like in three different accidents, like I'm just like, okay, this is next, you know, and I just like that and like, and then, instead of just being this, like I'm a victim of the world is beating me up. I can't move on. I'm just like. I don't want to be that person. I want to fucking be happy again. I want to enjoy my life again. So I have two choices to make I can go through this in agony and self-hatred, my own faults for it, and recognize there is a lot of things that are out of my control and I was in an incredibly vulnerable place and a monster recognized this and took advantage of me for two years and every way silly.

36:47
Every way, every way he could. He took advantage of me every fucking way.

36:54
Yeah, that he did and then the part that makes me angry now is because I know I'm a good person, I know I'm a giving person, I know I'm a loving person. I was married before that. I was a good wife like. I don't want him to take my vulnerability and my openness to help and to be helpful and to to. And you know, one of the things he always said to me was my, my biggest strength is adaptability. He would say this to me on constantly, because I had to constantly adapt to keep up and to not fall into a pit of despair. And, um, you know, I need to, I, and now I'm adapting again, but I'm like, I'm aware of it, I'm not. It's not a an automatic response to trauma, you know yeah, I'm just feeling into your energy here.

Speaker 1Host

37:48
In the meantime You're definitely picking up speed, like definitely. I do have to say you are quite adaptable. Every time we've made a shift, you've shifted. You've shifted quite intensely and quickly. That takes intense adaptability because you know this work is always around. You jump somewhere, you make a quantum leap and then doors close, doors open, relationships come, relationships go, and that kind of constant dance between order and chaos does take a lot of adaptability. It really does. That's why I think, yeah, you're doing really well in this.

38:35
Yeah, you're doing really well in this. In this specific one, however, you're quick to jump to conclusions. You're quick to jump to solutions. You're quick to jump to conclusions, you're quick to jump to solutions.

38:50
You're quick to jump to taking responsibility, that that that is a stage down the line. I promise you there'll be a moment where you put on your big girl pants and you say you know what? Okay, this happened. I take responsibility for my part of it, because always there is that part right and I'm going to change some stuff and I'm going to go forward. But when you do that now, you're kind of bypassing the wounded child that's inside of you, that has been quite hurt by this yeah, I always ignore her you don't want to feel that feeling.

39:21
You don't want to feel that helpless, wounded feeling.

39:26
But that's where it is, that's where the healing is in sitting with that you know, with that helpless, wounded little girl that was abused, that was taken advantage of, just sitting there and giving her attention, giving her love and giving her support. And you're trying to bypass all of that by jumping into your adult shoes because you're a very capable woman, you know, you, you can, you're very good at problem solving. So you're trying to problem solve with your mind on this one, but that's not where we are. That's why I said this. This is different from any other thing you face right, it acts different. It's different like the laws of physics do not apply on this one. The move is to sit now and allow that little girl to express herself now. That can happen through you or through me, however you prefer it, but I can speak her to you now. Yeah, I would like that because or through me, however you prefer it, but I can speak her to you now.

40:31
Yeah, I would like that.

Speaker 2Guest

40:36
Because she's been kind of repressed and hurt.

Speaker 1Host

40:41
Okay, I am that little girl that he's referring to and I want you to understand that it's no more your fault than it is mine what is happening here. I wouldn't even bring the term fault into this. I wouldn't even go there. What I am right now is hurt, hurt deeply, and I have been hurt Many cases in your life. It's like this one nail has been driven over and over again. With your age it just got bigger and bigger. But the same nail has been driven into the same place since childhood, since our childhood, my childhood and your childhood.

41:39
And I'm there, I'm in that place of hurt. I need you to come get me because I cannot live here by myself. I need you to come get me because I cannot leave here by myself, and for you to come get me in it until we can reconnect, until we can reintegrate as one being, because right now we are not one being, we are two beings living in the same body. And I want to reconnect with you. And the reason all of this is happening is so that you would look, so that you would see, so that you would notice who I am, where I am and why am I so valuable in your life.

42:48
I just want to be loved. I just want to be seen and I just want to be loved. I just want to be seen and I just want to be cared for, and unfortunately, the deadline has expired for not being able to do that. That's it. You've arrived at the wall, meaning there is no going forward until you come to where I am and hold my hand. So it's up to you now to do that, and I'll be here. What do you feel?

Speaker 2Guest

43:46
just an incredible sense of abandonment yeah, that's the one.

Speaker 1Host

43:54
That is the one, that wall that I was talking to. It was a wall of abandonment fundamentally, but it was more than anything, you abandoning that little girl. So if you want to take responsibility for anything, it should be that you didn't know you were doing it, so don't blame yourself, but you did it.

44:28
But now you know, a lot of things change once you start reintegrating these wounds and these painful parts of yourself. Relationships start evolving and changing Jobs, clients, people, locations, apartments A lot of things start to shift when you start to reintegrate these things, and so all I want to say is, as you go through this, sit through the feeling, feel it'll be here, be okay with everything that's flying out of your life, be okay with the changes, be okay with now. You're able to do this, but you're not able to do that, or you're less able to do this and you're more able to do that. There's going to be a lot of those types of things. As you go through this.

45:25
Um, we're on the same path, believe it or not. I'm just a little bit farther, or maybe quite a bit farther, and I know where the pitfalls are. I've gone through a lot of them. I've fallen into so many dark holes along this path, but I've just gotten good at recognizing them and I'm telling you this is more vulnerable than you've ever been or you're ever allowed yourself to be. The fact that you're also doing this while recording is absolutely fucking, because it's going to help a lot of people too. But beyond all that point, that courageous spirit of yours towards that pain and that little girl. If you manage to do that, then everything will be alright, always.

Speaker 2Guest

46:32
Always. If you manage to do that, then everything will be all right, always, always. Now, believe it or not, she's also super fun and, like you know, it's really funny. I mean yesterday my friend that lost her cat.

46:37
Like she, you know, I was joking with you that I'm seeing shiva about his cat for this week um I took her to brunch and she was like, oh, I really want like a stuffed animal, cat that I can just hold, and like kind of pretend it's my cat, like a proxy cat.

46:49
And I was like, okay, let's find a toy store somewhere. And so we're somewhere in venn and we found this fucking toy store and we, the three and we were with one of her other friends too and the three of us walk in and it is every game from my childhood like uh, there was a light bright, there was a skip it, there was trivial pursuit. There was like like every game I remember as a child, koosh balls, like all this weird shit. You know what I mean. Like we're like, oh my god over this, oh my god over that. Like we had the best time in this toy store and I think I made like four purchases, like I just kept back buying another game, another little thing, and we just we played light bright for like an hour last night and it was just like the happiest, like funnest thing ever. You know, we just had the best time.

Speaker 1Host

47:32
Amazing.

Speaker 2Guest

47:33
And it was just like. I'm like, I'm like this is exactly what I've walked in, what we walked into. If I was like eight years old and this has been like my dream, like every game, everything that I've ever wanted it was like and we were talking about how toys r us went out of business like that was like a mini toys r us and we just had the best time you've stumbled upon one of the best ways to reconnect with that child yeah um to reenact childhood games.

Speaker 1Host

47:59
It is deeply effective. Yeah, um, there's a book I read I told you about this where carl young um reenacted something he did as a kid he used to play with mud. He used to make like mud pies as a kid and as an adult slime.

48:17
We were looking at like the slime things you know yeah, as an adult he went and played with mud cakes again for like a few days, which is really silly as an adult to do right and then goes on right after that to write his most famous book because he reconnected to that fucking little kid that beautiful, beautiful, powerful little kid.

48:42
Yeah, and that is your connection to creativity, to growth, to fun, to pleasure. You know insects and out everything that. It's that little girl and once you do that you you get to be a brilliant human being. Yeah, without that girl, she also has all the brilliance, all that vibrant, all that fun, all that good stuff. Yeah yeah, yeah and the idea is that you and her, you become the same thing, because then you'll be all those things also yeah but, you know, with some adult sensibilities as well.

Speaker 2Guest

49:21
Yeah, and it's so funny because like that, like those memories, was like before, even like my dad trauma, you know. It was like who I was before, all this shit and I was even walking. I was even walking my dog on the beach on Sunday and these kids built this like really good sandcastle. I was like Bravo, like I was looking at these children. I was like that one's like gold star Like you was like bravo, like I was looking at these children.

49:45
I was like that one's like gold star, like you have a moat, you built a bridge like I mean, and then I like went back to my friends and I was like I really want to buy some sand toys and I want to make a badass sand castle. You know, like that's like all I want to do right now. Um, so it was like funny to like be like. I'm like kind of seeing these childish moments of like. Like I want that for myself. Is it weird that I'm 40 years old and I want to go on a boogie board and then make a sandcastle?

Speaker 1Host

50:08
No, Is it ridiculous?

Speaker 2Guest

50:09
It's the best I am in Venice. There's all preachers. All walks of life are over here. You know that's true.

Speaker 1Host

50:20
You're not even going to be close to the weirdest thing on the beach, oh yeah. No, there will be 10 times more weirder things listen, if you have one job right now, it's that go make a sand castle play like a child play like a child as much as you can.

Speaker 2Guest

50:42
It's also fun, it's just so funny just because that's the first real real, like, like um, that's the fucking word like the first real time I recognized that that's who I was before all the shit happened, you know, yeah yeah like I was. I was. I had a very good childhood up until 12, 12 years old, you know.

Speaker 1Host

51:07
You know this concept. It's nothing new. It even comes from a lot of the religious texts, like even Jesus said that nobody will be admitted into the kingdom of God. I'm paraphrasing but nobody will be admitted into the kingdom of god, um, unless they become childlike. No, yeah, meaning until you reconnect to that child, you're not going to see heaven. And heaven is a place on earth. Heaven is here, like heaven is, is a lifestyle. You know children are in a place of awe you know what I mean.

Speaker 2Guest

51:40
At all times they're just like yeah, they think everything's beautiful and wonderful and exciting, you know and I, I was.

51:47
I was reflecting on the beach, being like why, you know, I've lived my last like 20 years of my life traveling a ton, spending a fuck ton of money to go to the nicest hotel and get first class on the airplane and this and that, and I'm like why, why, why did that become what I like synonyms and synopsis or whatever that fucking word is right? Where was that? The cinema synonym for me for for fun and relaxation, instead of just like being so present and being simplistic into the beach for the day was the best fucking thing ever. Like that's all. I couldn't have been happier. And now I have the beach right next to me. I never go to it. You know, I walk, I walk my dog along the path and I never go actually into the sand. And I bought like the most expensive cabana set because I'm bougie and you know how I am like why am I not?

52:38
like do why I'm not like using it. You know what I mean? It's just like I just like had this realization. I was like why am I not like using it? You know what I mean? It's just like I just like had this realization. I was like why am I not just like having fun with this? Like this, if this would have been the happiest day of my life is just to go to the beach when I was a little kid. I don't need anything more, I need my sand toys, that's it.

Speaker 1Host

52:56
You would be, surprised that that's still the case. You just got sold on a bunch of stuff, but you'll probably have a lot more fun with some sticks and some mud and some sand, right, right, go find some worms again or, you know, for a rainstorm like that shit, you know. That shit, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, I mean spot on. It's just, it's already happening.

53:19
Basically it's already happening basically, it's already starting to happen. The more you actually actively go there, the more really wondrous things will start to happen, like really wondrous things Once you let go of the shame. By the way, shame is a huge, huge, huge element of this. This is you letting go of the shame. This is the process. You're looking at it as we speak. Then you also let go of the shame of is the process. You're looking at it as we speak. Then you also let go of the shame of acting like a kid, like you. You let go of the shame of having fun and having pleasure, because you start allowing yourself to act silly to have fun, to play to explore, to have adventure, to be in awe, you know, and that's, that's what makes this life fun.

54:07
Without all these things, what are we here for? Like what? What's the point? Of any of this you know we're definitely not here to work and make money and all that. Like we're just not here for that right, like that's a thing we do, but that's no.

Speaker 2Guest

54:19
We're not built for that shit right, it's not what it's about it's not what it's about, so you know I, you know, before I even dropped this bomb on you yesterday about this, this thing, you know, the whole week before that, um, you know, I told you, I kind of told you, what was happening inside, like, yeah, that chakra that you bursted open and the pain, the pain I felt and the acid reflux and the phlegm coming out, and me taking 10 covid tests, thinking I'd go bed, um, because I couldn't breathe for a good 10 days, um, and then, like the soreness of it, and then that cleared and then, after all of that physical shit, that was about a two-week period, um, and I told you I only went into work one day that week, like I could not, as more I was that more I was more afraid to drive, just because I was not feeling good.

55:10
So I was like, I was just like I didn't want to get into a car, um, but then after that I was sitting with a lot of memories and I don't call them negative thoughts, but it was just more of me being like really disappointed with myself and my decisions I've made this far and I'm just an incredible and it's just one. Disappointing memory after disappointing memory, after disappointing memory, and then I was just like and then it turns into like like I don't know how to do with that. So I'm like I fucking hate myself, like that's the next way way I process. It is like I hate myself, I hate myself that did that and I hate myself that I did that and I hate myself that I was part of that. And this is all related to sexual interactions with my ex-husband.

55:53
All of this there's multiple memories and things that I'm ashamed of and I'm disappointed in myself because I wasn't. I didn't, I allowed it and I didn't recognize how destructive it was. Um, you know, and then I dropped this bomb about this whole thing, probably so that I can open up about the rest of it. But how do you recommend I navigate through that? I mean, there's only so many times I can build a sandcastle do. Do you know what I'm saying? Sure.

Speaker 1Host

56:31
Honestly, piece by piece, day by day. Don't try to completely uproot your entire foundation in the course of a week. Piece by piece, day by day. What we did now is already a lot. This is a lot. You're going to be processing this for a while. I'm very deeply well aware that there's a lot more. I can see it, I can feel it, I know what it is, I know where to take us. That's where I said you're just going to have to kind of trust me on this one and be led a little bit. You have the power to take the reins at any moment, but I'm going to ask you not to, because if you take the reins a little bit here and start poking at these things by yourself at this particularly very vulnerable moment, you might implode and then definitely working will become very difficult, and so life is still life. You know there's some things that you still have to be able to keep doing, you know.

Speaker 2Guest

57:28
Yeah.

Speaker 1Host

57:28
So what the energy of the art, of this technology of myself is here to do is kind of like a personal trainer. I'm going to push you a little bit farther than you imagined you can go, but the idea is that you'll still be able to walk tomorrow, right?

Speaker 2Guest

57:47
yeah, yeah, I need to function like I really have been yeah I've been like working at like 30 capacity and, um, you know, and it was really funny. I was talking to somebody else the other day and I was like I kind of miss my insomnia, like I'm just like I'm so fucking tired all the time I kind of miss my insomnia. At least I had like thought like I would have creative thoughts coming to me, like I just have like nothing, but I'm just tired this takes a lot of energy.

Speaker 1Host

58:19
Yeah, this process takes a lot of energy. So listen, listen, like a good personal trainer. The idea is, first of all, that you're able to come back in a few days and do another one.

Speaker 2Guest

58:29
Right.

Speaker 1Host

58:29
You know, the idea is to be consistent and for you to be able to walk, because if you can't walk in three days, you're not going to want to like do anything yeah. So, for now, this chunk that we bit off is pretty big and, like you're going to be processing this for a while, you're going to be feeling through this for a while, but in a way that you can still live, and then we go and we, when you're ready, we take the next chunk.

58:54
But with every chunk you're going to get lighter, you're going to get happier, you're going to get more joyful. You're going to get more like a hole in your life Because more joyful, you're gonna get more like a hole in your life because this, this is really across the board again. This wound, healing this wound is just like turning on the volume knob of life, like it's just gonna. The volume is gonna go up from two to five to seven to twelve, and at twelve life is absolutely brilliant, um, even can be overwhelming how nice it is Like in that sense. So, day by day, piece by piece, this takes a while and it should take a while, meaning Jesus, if you want to jump into all of this and take like three months a break from your life, let's fucking go. I'll be the first one to join you on that. You know what I mean. But ideally we do this in a pace and in a way that you know I need this to be gentle.

59:50
I can't, I can't like yeah and so yeah, that's, that's the plan, so feeling it in my neck now yeah, this is this wall that we took off basically allows your creative energy, your sexual energy, to not flow through your body. And as it flows, it clears like we increase the flow, so the banks of the river get wider and all that gunk in the banks of the river.

01:00:24
It flows with it. So you're going to be feeling all sorts of pings and pangs and changes and yeah, you're at. So I just want to say this is a good pace, this is not slow. Yeah, this is not slow, not slow at all. Actually, if you look, we've been doing this for a few months now. What like three months maybe, something like that. How many things have changed? I mean, like, how different things are you know?

Speaker 2Guest

01:01:20
I mean I'm a much calmer person. I don't like radiate out into like pits of anger and like I don't overreact, I'm not over-emotional. Yeah, you know, there's that time period I was really mad at my dad. We went through that. And then, you know, then we talked a little bit about my mom where I like really blamed her because she wasn't there for me, you know, and I'm actually like my mom's going through it right now, but, um, I've kind of just forgiven her and just realized that she did the best she could. She didn't know any better. She didn't know what else to do.

01:01:59
It was a different time period where you didn't talk about your father being an incredible alcoholic, like it was you that that generation kept it hidden, you know, yeah, um, and then you know, I know I told you I talked to what my aunt was, my dad's sister about it, and she knew all. She knew everything that was happening. She didn't know how bad it was for me. You know, um, and it it helps that just knowing that it was validated. Um, you know, my sister had a big issue with, like, how emotional I was and she couldn't understand me. And she doesn't understand she. She thinks she was there. She's 10 years younger than me. She thinks she was there during all this and I was like I was shielding you from all of it. You know, yeah, and I still don't. I still don't talk to her about it because I don't. She had a. She had a different childhood than me. She had a wonderful father, because he became sober and.

01:02:50
I don't want to take that, those memories, away from her and I don't want to take that for her. It's not right. You know, and like my aunt said to me um, you know she was like your dad would want you to be fucking angry at him because he was angry at himself.

Speaker 1Host

01:03:07
Wow, that's quite a thing to say.

Speaker 2Guest

01:03:10
Yeah.

Speaker 1Host

01:03:12
That's quite a thing to hear.

Speaker 2Guest

01:03:14
Yeah, and I still don't know if I'm like completely forgiven him. And I told you I think I told you yesterday my brother sent me a video of my dad. He was like so he's like, oh, I just want this video of dad. He died four years ago, um, and he was my dad was a carpenter, so he got this like new saw and he was sawing and he was smoking a cigarette and the ash was like an inch long, like he wasn't ashing, he was just like smoking and like all the ash is like this long in the video, like fucking funny, and he's like cutting something. And then you could hear his voice at the end of it. It's the first time I heard his voice in four years and I kind of found it comfort, comforting.

01:03:51
You know I didn't have negative feelings come up about it that's huge.

Speaker 1Host

01:03:58
I mean that's, that's massive yeah forgiveness is a big word. You'll end up there, yeah, but for now your vibration about it is definitely really different than it was before.

Speaker 2Guest

01:04:10
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't feel so much like anger when you know, when you feel like a victim it's the worst feeling, kind of, yeah, like I fucking hate that word, but like you have to start somewhere, you know.

Speaker 1Host

01:04:31
You have to start somewhere, and if you were indeed a victim, then that's where you start.

Speaker 2Guest

01:04:36
Yeah.

Speaker 1Host

01:04:37
Like it's shitty, but also sometimes that's what it is. I mean, that's what happens.

Speaker 2Guest

01:04:42
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1Host

01:04:45
So, yeah, you start where you start. Listen. I think for now, this is more than plenty, mm-hmm. For you to feel through process chew on. I'll remind you again the best thing possibly that you could possibly do is art, art of any kind. Uh, planting plants is art. Writing is art. Drawing is art.

01:05:16
Uh, playing with those games even that that's art too yeah meaning follow whatever's fun, follow whatever's joyful yeah if, in that joy, all of a sudden there's a dark moment, take it gracefully and ride that wave too, because it's a part of reconnection to your sexual energy is reconnection to your creativity, and so that creativity, this increased flow, you'll have to point it somewhere, it'll have to go somewhere yeah, and you remember me telling you like I just I couldn't find the energy to like draw.

Speaker 2Guest

01:05:55
You know how I like I was an artist, I could do this. Remember I like I tried to do it months ago and it took so much energy out of me I just gave up. And now I kind of understand why.

Speaker 1Host

01:06:07
It's like I wasn't connected to it there's a reason this is called the art there was like a misfire.

01:06:14
The wires weren't connected, you know there's a reason this is called the art. It really is about reconnecting you to the art in you, right, and that sounds so fucking hippy-dippy and like spiritual-esque, but it's also true. Like there is art in there, there's brilliance in there, there's joy in there, there's peace in there, there's beautiful things in there, there's beauty in there, and what we're doing here is basically just reconnecting to that, letting go of all of the habits that formed from not being connected to that, and the more you do that and the better life gets. It's. It's really like a straight shot to a nicer life, basically. And yeah, and I think you've been feeling that now you're going to have a lot more of this energy, so just make sure you point it somewhere because, yeah, sexual energy that is unused, like creative energy that is unchanneled, becomes destructive right, it goes toxic yeah it comes toxic, so make sure that you do point it somewhere.

01:07:26
Yeah, but you're going to get a lot more energy, like that's for sure.

Speaker 2Guest

01:07:31
Okay, good, okay, okay all right, we'll talk soon.

The Art

The Art - Cycle 1 Session 2 Transmutation

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