From Lawnmowers to Practical Jokes: Tales from My Quirky Job History

Ever wondered how mowing lawns and stoking furnaces could shape a career path? Join me, Linden Wolfe, on a journey through my eclectic work history in this rib-tickling episode of "Here for the Memories." From the quirks of Miss Brown, who insisted on calling me "Leland," to the unexpected gift that came with a valuable lesson in resourcefulness, you'll laugh and maybe even learn something from my early days. I share how a measly $10 check became a ticket to college life, and you'll hear all about my antics at Crystal, where my practical jokes were more memorable than my burgers.

Picture this: a late-night, rowdy fast-food joint filled with tipsy patrons straight out of "Animal House." That's where I perfected the art of the practical joke, like tricking the drive-thru clerk into preparing phantom orders. You'll meet colorful characters, including a chemist-turned-assistant-manager who faced a downfall over stolen french fries. With humorous anecdotes and reflections, this episode promises an entertaining mix of laughter and life lessons, perfect for anyone who's ever worked a less-than-glamorous job or just needs a good chuckle. So, grab your headphones and join me for a wild ride down memory lane.

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Transcript

Linden Wolfe: 0:00

Here for the memories thought-provoking audio memoir shorts filled with stories, humor, anecdotes and commentary on social, cultural, business and religious issues. Whatever Linden remembers and thinks will entertain, challenge and inform is a possible subject. The collection of memories about one's life allows for the development and refinement of a sense of self, including who one is, how one has changed and what one might be like in the future.

Linden Wolfe: 0:34

Greetings and salutations. This is Linden Wolfe, and welcome to my podcast here. For the memories You've heard of the show about nothing. I'm sure you have Seinfeld. This is the story of my career path to nowhere.

Linden Wolfe: 0:47

I have worked for as long as I can remember. It was at 12 that I started mowing lawns with my dad's much-needed assistance. It was about that time I began to stoke Miss Brown's furnace. During the winters and they were truly much colder back then For the uninitiated stoking a furnace requires shoveling spades of coal from a large mound into a subfloor furnace. I also mowed her lawn during the warmer months.

Linden Wolfe: 1:10

Miss Brown was an ornery old spinster who was too mean to die and she lived with her widowed sister, miss Schultz. In all the years I worked for her, miss Brown never got my name correct. She called me Leland. Miss Brown never got my name correct. She called me Leland, l-e-e-l-a-n-d. Never Linden, but Leland.

Linden Wolfe: 1:34

When I went away to college, she demonstrated unusual generosity by offering me a small check to offset my costs. While attempting to fill out that check, she asked how I spelled my name and I, with outstanding enunciation, spelled out L-I-N-D-E-N. She twisted her head, snarled like Billy Idol and, in her wicked Witch of the West voice muttered. I've never heard Leland spelled like that before. I said nothing but thanks and headed to the Home Federal Savings and Loan to immediately cash my $10 check $10, mind you All the while hoping the bank would deposit it with someone else's name on it, and they did. Now I had enough money to buy 40 crystals at the going rate of $0.25 apiece, and that's where my first real job was at Crystal, by the way, that's where I cooked greasetals and greaseburgers as they were affectionately called by those thrust from the Knoxville bar scene at the 3 am mandatory closing time. It was the only place open at that godforsaken hour and the patrons were a scene out of Animal House. This memory always reminds me of the song from Semi-Sonic called Closing Time. Closing time. One last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskeyosing Time. Closing time. One last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, so gather up your jackets, move it to the exits. I hope you have found a friend. Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings in.

Linden Wolfe: 3:02

Anyway, at Crystal I was known for more of my antics and practical jokes than my industriousness or ambition, of course. For example, when I wasn't cooking, I took out the trash. Drive-thrus had just been invented, so ours wasn't in a place where the order taker could see the vehicle. So as I pushed the trash can on each respective trip, I ran over the cable that alerted the clerk that a customer had arrived. On each successive route to the dumpster, I would throw my voice and call in massive orders 74 crystals please, 62 cheeseburgers. My replacement cook was then forced to work feverishly on orders that had nowhere to go and were put under the heat lamp. So by the time I finished with the trash, I was stockpiled with burgers and didn't need to cook anymore for some time. That is until I got caught.

Linden Wolfe: 3:57

I probably had, with my 10th grade education, the most credentials of the entire staff. Well, one assistant manager, a degree chemist, did, but he was fired for stealing french fries. He was also accused of forging the store manager's signature on orders of pickles and diced onions. Eek, awful. Susan Burbank worked with me and she was cute, but she had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. When I finally got a car a 1967 cut with Sierra that had no brakes and topped out at about 37 miles per hour. I became a Crystal legend, except for my friend Jeff Turner, who preceded me and was the model employee at Crystal who drove a new Datsun 240Z, purchased with his Crystal bullion. I always hated that. I liked him. I always hated that. I liked him. Seriously, jeff was a wonderful person whose presence is woven throughout my life narrative, from the first grade until he attended my mother's funeral. I have fond memories of him and his friendship.

Linden Wolfe: 4:54

Now back to my career path to nowhere. Then there was a job at the Revco Pharmacy, where I would occasionally and illicitly confiscate damaged six-packs of malt liquor that I kept in the trunk of my car. For unknown reasons, I was voted the worst employee ever at this historic store. I also worked and that's a euphemism at a dairy and for a lunch program for disadvantaged children. At both I continue to distinguish myself as infinitely ineligible for rehire, but to my credit, I never missed a day of non-working. So I was at least dependable.

Linden Wolfe: 5:31

So all my early jobs were a foreboding of my future career prospects. Is that true of you? What did you learn as your neophyte career was taking shape? Can you see evidence of your early work in your current occupation? I hope so, because I believe our earliest jobs helped to shape the workers we become. So take some time and take inventory of the jobs you have held, no matter how long, how awful or how menial. There are lessons to be learned there. Until you stop by again here at here for the Memories, this is Linden Wolfe reminding you to remind yourself of your own invaluable history.