DedicatedDevoted
Grieving the Loss of a Limb: Navigating Limb Differences Together
Imagine anticipating the birth of your child, only to be met with unexpected news that shakes your world. This episode of Dedicated Devoted begins with a poignant analogy about an irreparable car, setting up the emotional story of our son Parker's birth and his congenital limb difference. We, as parents, share our raw journey from shock and sorrow to finding hope, resilience, and unwavering support from loved ones, all while navigating the stigmatization surrounding limb differences.
Discover how we transitioned from immediate feelings of helplessness and bitterness to a more hopeful outlook, driven by encouragement from family and the invaluable support of faith and past experiences. We delve deep into the Amputee Coalition's research and statistics on limb loss in the U.S., discussing its prevalence and significant impact on mental health, including the high rates of depression among those affected. Our candid reflections aim to shed light on these profound issues while providing a parental perspective that many can relate to.
Join us as we explore the importance of community connections through initiatives like the Lucky Finn Project and PJs for Little Warriors. These support systems have been crucial in helping us navigate our journey, from the initial confusion and lack of information to finding peace of mind through genetic testing and specialist consultations. By fostering a supportive environment and encouraging independence, we hope to empower other families facing similar challenges and celebrate the resilience and unique perspectives of children with limb differences.
Imagine anticipating the birth of your child, only to be met with unexpected news that shakes your world. This episode of Dedicated Devoted begins with a poignant analogy about an irreparable car, setting up the emotional story of our son Parker's birth and his congenital limb difference. We, as parents, share our raw journey from shock and sorrow to finding hope, resilience, and unwavering support from loved ones, all while navigating the stigmatization surrounding limb differences.
Discover how we transitioned from immediate feelings of helplessness and bitterness to a more hopeful outlook, driven by encouragement from family and the invaluable support of faith and past experiences. We delve deep into the Amputee Coalition's research and statistics on limb loss in the U.S., discussing its prevalence and significant impact on mental health, including the high rates of depression among those affected. Our candid reflections aim to shed light on these profound issues while providing a parental perspective that many can relate to.
Join us as we explore the importance of community connections through initiatives like the Lucky Finn Project and PJs for Little Warriors. These support systems have been crucial in helping us navigate our journey, from the initial confusion and lack of information to finding peace of mind through genetic testing and specialist consultations. By fostering a supportive environment and encouraging independence, we hope to empower other families facing similar challenges and celebrate the resilience and unique perspectives of children with limb differences.
Hello and welcome to Dedicated Devoted. I'm your host, jared Kolenbel.
Speaker 1:And I'm your co-host, Cora Kolenbel.
Speaker 2:Today's episode is a very heavy and a close-hitting one, and it is titled Grieving the Loss of a Limb. The episode's all about how we have dealt with our son's missing limb. Before we unpack today's episode, just a reminder of how you can support the podcast. If you haven't already, please check out dedicated devotedcom to learn more about our podcast, some awesome ways you can support us and how to live a dedicated, devoted life. Now on to the show.
Speaker 2:For my listeners out there, have you ever encountered a situation that you knew was beyond fixing or repair? You just looked at it and you said there's no possible way that this situation or perhaps it's something material can be fixed or repair. I recall when I was a young teenager, my father gave me an older Ford Taurus. It was a very ugly brown Taurus and it needed a lot of work. I then had the car repainted to give it a little bit of a new life. One day I was driving and pulling away from a stop sign and making a left, and I had to cross over two lanes of traffic. As soon as I accelerated, I saw a car coming right at me and I was t-boned. I was really the one that was at fault for the accident and I remember looking at the car damage on this newly painted vehicle and I just knew it was beyond repair. The car had so much damage I knew it had met the end of its life. You know, cars are simply tools and this car was replaceable. It just wasn't repairable.
Speaker 2:In a previous podcast episode, we explored the topic of the multiplicative effect of marriage and in this episode we discussed my son's limb difference, cora, and I actually had a very heartfelt exchange regarding that. In the 2003 Pixar film Finding Nemo, a stubborn young clownfish is born with an abnormally small fin and it's referred to as his lucky fin. In 2016, my son, parker, was born and, unbeknownst to his mother and I, he was missing his left hand. Parker's birth was referred really as the best and one of the worst days of my wife's life and to add a little color to that, take a little bit of a deeper listen at the Multiplicative Effect of Marriage podcast and you'll understand why it was one of the best and really worst days of her life. And in today's episode we're going to take a little bit of a deeper dive into the subject of grieving the loss of a limb, cora. I wanted to share some statistics with you that come directly from the Amputee Coalition. Have you ever heard of the Amputee Coalition?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:So the Amputee Coalition has put together some really good empirical research and some data on limb loss in the US. And so you and I obviously have a child with a limb difference, and I know that when this had occurred, we were really searching and trying to find resources and people who could kind of help us walk through this very difficult process. And so the MPT Coalition isn't one that you and I took a deep dive into, but they have some really good information regarding limb loss in the US. So, first and foremost, they had mentioned that the MPT Coalition has designated April as Limb Loss and Limb Difference Awareness Month. Does that sound familiar to you? Yeah, totally. Had mentioned that the amputee coalition has designated April as limb loss and limb difference awareness month. Does that sound familiar to you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2:So that's when you and I have celebrated quite a bit. We know, in April we definitely go to bat for Parker, and there's a lot of other people in our small little community of those who have limb differences, and so that's where it comes from. Now here's some really interesting statistics that I wanted to share with you. So there's over 2.1 million people living in the US with a limb loss. Does that surprise you?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:We see quite a bit right. We were out today and we saw an individual who was missing his arm, and I think you and I are sort of drawn to that when we see an individual who has a limb difference and so over 2.1 million people living with a limb loss in the US, there's 185,000 people that have an amputation each year in the US. There's 507 people who lose a limb each day in the US. Obviously, with Parker, his birth was one where he was born and he was defined as a congenital amputee and so he's naturally missing his limb. It didn't happen after birth, it happened while he was in the womb. But obviously these are some pretty extraordinary numbers.
Speaker 2:The next one that I wanted to share, I think, is a really relevant one so 1,729 military personnel have experienced limb loss due to combat since 9-11-2001. And I think this is becoming more of a common and prevalent thing that we're seeing specifically here in the US, in our society, people who are missing limbs. There's over 3.6 million people who will be living with limb loss by 2050. I believe that what we're sharing today is going to have a broader impact to those who feel a little bit stigmatized by this very subject, and I think you and I actually have encountered quite a bit of people regarding that subject. Over 36% of people living with limb loss experience depression. What do you think about that statistic, cora?
Speaker 1:I believe it.
Speaker 2:The title of today's show is grieving a child with a limb loss, and we're really talking from a parental perspective. If you think about depression, there's a lot of people who are going to be experiencing this and they're grieving. It's certainly a loss of something, and everybody has a different story and a different perspective, but that's definitely a very interesting number when we talk about. 36% of people living with limb losses experience depression, and so hopefully today we can add a little color to this topic from a parental perspective. And then 85% of lower limb amputations are preceded by a foot ulcer. There's a lot of complications that come with, essentially, these surgeries with limb amputations, and so there's a lot of weightiness that comes with a limb loss, whether it's in the womb or it's after the womb, but nonetheless there is certainly a growing population of individuals with a limb loss.
Speaker 2:Now I started off the broadcast or the podcast, by stating this is going to be a very, very heavy topic, because in our last episode the multiplicative effect of marriage we talked about how having a limb loss is a very weighty thing to go through, and Parker obviously went through that. From a parent's perspective, though, you define Parker's birth as one of the best and worst days of your life, and so kind of going into some really deep questions, I wanted to just touch on the subject of Parker's birth, in terms of his pregnancy. Can you share a little bit about your experience with Parker?
Speaker 1:I think my experience with pregnancy was pretty good. I remember I think it was the second ultrasound that they told me that he was going to be a boy. There was something that just didn't feel right about that and I don't know like I had a lot of different weird feelings that I don't know if they all had to do with the pregnancy or just the fact that I already had girls and so the fact that I was having a boy just seemed like like it shouldn't be, I guess, or that it was unreal, I should say. So my pregnancy was really good with him but, um, I think I I was used to the the ultrasound tech that I had and for some reason, I believe that day it was a different lady and I don't know, I just didn't feel right with her.
Speaker 1:And then the second ultrasound, it was the same. I had the same lady and again, it wasn't my usual lady that I had with my girls, it was someone completely different usual lady that I had with my girls. It was someone completely different. And so I think, just thinking about the pregnancy then or after I had him, I just remember feeling a lot different about that experience there. But pregnancy went good and I didn't have any complications during the pregnancy. So for the most part, I have to say that the pregnancy was just fine.
Speaker 2:I remember, as we went through this process, you were in disbelief that's the best word that I think we can use to describe really understanding that we're going to have a boy.
Speaker 2:I think that you thought she had made a mistake, that you're going to have another girl, and I can't remember if you thought that beforehand that you had sort of this forethought that you're going to have three girls, and so you're like I don't think it's a, I don't think it's a boy, but I, I I do recall us really kind of hashing that out and thinking, maybe because we had some ultrasound tech switched out, they got the gender wrong, and I I recall receiving the affirmation from your doctor that that was not the case.
Speaker 2:It was actually a boy. But I do remember there being different people than we're used to in that process, and I would actually describe the pregnancy in and of itself as one that it was fairly normal and fairly joyous. We did all the things that we needed to. We were preparing for Parker's arrival and we were just very excited. I think we had a really fun gender reveal and we didn't do those very often. Do you recall that, Mm-hmm, your mom actually totally missed the gender reveal and she came back and I believe she thought we were having a girl again.
Speaker 1:No, she didn't even know what we were doing. She was too busy with one of my nieces.
Speaker 2:That's what it was.
Speaker 1:She didn't even know that we were saying that we had had a boy, until my grandma came over. My dad told her that we were having a boy and then my mom goes what so? No, she didn't even know she missed the amazing gender reveal.
Speaker 2:I recall there being these giant eggs that we had opened up, and so that was a really fun gender reveal. We didn't get the opportunity to do those with the other kids, but I remember the pregnancy experience being quite fun and we had done all the normal things and saw all the normal doctors, and so there wasn't anything abnormal. All the way up into his birth there was no signals that he was going to have a limb difference, that he was going to be born with a limb difference.
Speaker 1:In that vein, can you describe to me the experience of his birth? Yeah, I think everything felt pretty easy. He was actually eight days late, so I thought I was going to go back home and then they told me I was going to actually stay there to have him. So I was kind of surprised about that because I thought I would just come back after my last appointment. But they told me I'm not leaving the hospital and that I needed to remain there. So we did and I remember everything just kind of seemed like it was like kind of like slow motion.
Speaker 1:I remember again, some of the main people we were supposed to have weren't there. So my doctor at the time told me about what time she worked and so when we were having him I knew she wasn't going to be there until the next morning. So we had him and it was a male doctor and I never um, I've never met him before. I didn't know who he was. And so, as as Parker was being born, I just remember having him and then just feeling like he was holding him down for a while, like with my girls. It just felt like I had the baby and it was like a quick throw onto me, like they were on my chest right away.
Speaker 1:But with him I kind of felt like he kept him down for a bit and like I felt like he actually, um, knew something was wrong but didn't exactly know what to do. And, um, I just remember the second he actually put him on me. I actually saw it as he was being carried or lifted to me. I remember at the time, like not really knowing cause you know, now his special hand looks a little bit different, but at the time it looked like his hand was really mangled, like it had been um, like ripped apart or something Like it. Just it just, uh, didn't look. It looked like something was seriously wrong with his hand. So I remember them putting him on me and I don't even think you noticed at the time.
Speaker 2:I didn't. So I think you noticed something and you were saying something to the doctors and I recall I was I was in a really elevated mood. I was very excited right, it's the birth of my first son. And you looked up at me and I think you said did you see his hand? And I didn't know what you were talking about. You said, did you see his hand? And you're like, what's wrong with his hand? And it still didn't really click. Like I couldn't kind of reconcile that thought I was expecting same pattern as the girls when they were born.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't think like when I think about it now it's, it was like the only thing I noticed. I don't remember noticing his face, his feet, his, as he was being given to me. Um, that was the only thing I noticed, like it was just just like I said, it looked so wrong. You know that, I noticed it right away, but the fact that he put him on my chest and I remember him putting him on my left side, I could not see, I couldn't see it. You know, his hand and his head was above kind of by my head, so you kind of had to like lift up his little hand to kind of see what was wrong. And that's kind of when I knew like something was wrong, you know.
Speaker 2:I will say it was. It was jarring and I couldn't understand what I was seeing. There was this instance of cognitive dissonance where you're looking at it, you're seeing it, you just don't quite understand it and it's weird to have the expectation of this pinnacle moment, right. It's sort of this really high, joyous occasion and something just hits home and you're like why doesn't this feel good?
Speaker 1:Well, and I'll tell you like a big difference was. I remember when I had my girls. So my mom was there for my first daughter and our first daughter and then our second one. I remember just calling her and telling her that you know, we had a girl and all that stuff, but with my mom I didn't call her and tell her, you know, we had a son. I remember calling my mom and just saying you know, he's missing a hand, it's. I think it was the first thing I told her, you know. So that was kind of hard, just because I wish I could have called her up and told her that we had a son, but instead it was much different than that.
Speaker 2:I resonate with what you said earlier on everything being very slow motion and I might be dramatizing it in my head, but I remember him being born and we were trying to figure out what was going on. There wasn't any explanation and what we had experienced before the procedure was his baby comes out, baby gets clean, baby gets weighed and then baby goes back with mom and I remember them bringing the baby out and it wasn't really like any of that had happened. They turned off the light on the Wayne station and they just wrapped Parker. I don't even remember them cleaning him Like I could have missed it. Things were going so it's like they were going slow but fast and it's very hard to describe, but the best way I could probably put it is it was quite traumatizing to try to figure out. It was traumatizing and trying to figure things out was very hard and I think you and I were just trying to rely on each other and in that moment I recall them handing him over and I remember being really dark. Like in my mind and this might not be the truth they walked backwards out of the room just to make sure that we were okay and they're like we'll be back, we'll be back. And it just kind of seemed like a fading light type of effect where everybody was out of the room, there was no explanation, we didn't know what to do and we started making the calls and I remember you calling your mom and talking with her and what was really, what was really encouraging in that moment was she. We told her the news. You just said he was born without a hand and she didn't go. Are you kidding? No, you got to be joking. She just said it'll be okay. She gave us a strong affirmation of it'll be okay. And then you called some other family members and I called my mom as well and she did the same thing. She said it'll be fine, it'll be okay. And I think you and I were in such disbelief that maybe I was expecting a different reaction. But everybody that we shared that with they just said it'll be okay. And I called a friend of mine who had done ministry you and I have done ministry with for some time and we told him what had happened and he said I'll be there in the morning and he said the same thing it'll be okay.
Speaker 2:And I remember that being a very hard experience and we went through the process of them trying to give us some information. We did some Google search, but it was definitely something that was very difficult to deal with, especially in the moment. I don't know if you recall, but we saw the doctor early that I guess it was. It would have been that day or the next day. So I recall her coming in and she said I'm so sorry, I didn't know, we missed it, we hadn't seen it. And I'll tell you, at that moment I was very bitter, I had a seed of bitterness that was really growing in me and I think that that was a very trying experience. Do you feel any guilt or remorse about Parker's condition?
Speaker 1:I have to say, at the time of his birth I was. I was feeling. I wouldn't say I was feeling guilt or I was remorseful, but it was more I felt. I guess helpless is more of the word, because that's strong.
Speaker 1:It was nothing I really could do for him. I didn't feel guilty because I felt like the pregnancy went good. I did all the things I was supposed to do. But I remember, just for the first few months of his life, just looking at him and just feeling sorry for him, you know. And I thought to myself, like how, how can I stop feeling sorry for him? And I think it was someone finally told me one day, like you, can I stop feeling sorry for him? And I think it was someone finally told me one day, like you can't feel sorry for him, he's going to be just fine. And I think that's when the feeling kind of went away. But I think that I did feel really, really bad for the kid, you know. And then I realized like I can't, I can't feel sorry for him, he is going to be just fine.
Speaker 2:The word that you used earlier was helpless, and I had previously described that. When he was born, the feeling I had was I can't fix this. But that's just a descriptor of me feeling helpless, trying to be there for someone. And you know, you, you as a dad, you want the best for your kid and it's you can't do anything. You're just sitting there and you're going. I can't do anything.
Speaker 2:And it did feel like a moment of helplessness For me. I I didn't feel remorse, guilt crossed my mind, because I'm always, I'm, I'm in the camp of what did I do wrong? Is there something? Is there some sort of sin that I've committed? And it's the sins of the father that have been, you know, dished out to the child. And I don't think that that's a theological or accurate representation of how God deals with us. And in retrospect, I look back and you know we have millions of people who have limb differences in the US and a lot of people go through this, and the thought of guilt or remorse was one that sort of passed over my mind and it became something very different very quickly, and it was because I was. I really had that seed of bitterness that had been planted that had overcome? Were you mad at God at all for Parker's condition?
Speaker 1:No, not at all, I have to say. I definitely wasn't mad and there's a pretty big reason for it. So I remember, you know, throughout my whole teens pretty much, and to my adulthood, and actually before I even had Parker, before I was pregnant with him dealt with seizures for many years and I remember for years thinking, you know, why did God give me this and why couldn't it have been someone else you know, one of my siblings, or something like that and then I realized, you know, one day, like I wouldn't want any of my family to deal with these. You know, they were something I really couldn't control very much and, like I said, I remember God taking them away from me.
Speaker 1:Before I got pregnant with Parker, I stopped having seizures and everything actually felt really, really good. And so I think about that time in my life and how, if I didn't have those seizures and again, people can disagree with me, but I felt like that kind of made me get to the point where I didn't blame God for anything that had happened to me or get mad at Him for anything. I feel like everything has a purpose. And again, years and years of struggling with that condition. When I had my son, I felt like that prepared me to not also be bitter at God, because I think easily I could have been, but because I believe he worked on me all those years to not be bitter about things that we can't control, that when it came to Him again, it just built me up and made me ready for that. When he was born, were you bitter.
Speaker 2:I did not respond favorably and I was highly bitter at God. I wish I could have responded by saying I did all the things, that I was not angry at God. And I do look back and I know that you've been through quite a bit with your seizures through the years and also with each one of the kids. We had just different circumstances and Parker's we didn't have some of those same issues and I think God was trying us as we worked through it. And, by the way, just to mention it, there's been a variety of ministries that I've participated in, and so I've worked with people who have limb differences and who are deaf and blind and your dad's a pastor to the blind and deaf as well and there's been a lot of circumstances where I look back and I'm very grateful because God provided us the experience and resources for dealing for something like this and we were able to really have the experience as necessary in order to be well equipped to care for him. But I felt bitter and I wanted to blame somebody and I recall questioning God. And the other day I had a thought, and this is one that kind of goes into some of the progressions of his special hand, but I remember going to church and I was emotionally overwhelmed and so I went outside and I sat in the dirt and I was just listening to praise and worship music and I cried. And it had to do with the time where we had to make a decision on his special finger, and so we'll talk about that in a moment. But I was extremely bitter and I was trying to find somebody at fault, and we did a really good job at that. I did a really good job at that.
Speaker 2:I started looking and asking questions and I asked if any procedures were missed and how this could possibly be something that was overseen. And I asked if, procedurally, things were cared for the way that they should have been. And there was a lot of variation in our process. We had different people jump in that hadn't helped in the past, and you know doctors that we didn't know, and I just think that there were so many different people that were involved that it caused a lot of variation, and that variation resulted in individuals not seeing what they should have seen.
Speaker 2:And I remember calling my mom and asking her and you know she's a midwife and she had mentioned that this is something that, procedurally, you check the child has all limbs and you look on the left side and you have a little check sheet. Hands are present, feet are present, all the basics, even down to the condition of the heart, and I recall that. I recall them giving us I don't know if it was like an EKG or they did something where they were listening to the rhythm of his heart and I thought how could you go so deep and look for that level of detail? I miss an entire hand and I remember the bitterness growing in me to the point where we had determined that there was a huge procedural lap when he came out missing a hand, I thought, like what happened to it, like where did it go, like how did it disappear, you know?
Speaker 1:And um, I mean, it seems silly now, but at the time it was like it was there, wasn't it? And I had to like do research on what hand it was, and obviously it was his right hand that was there, it wasn't his left hand. And um, yeah, that was just really hard because I had at least I had five ultrasounds with him, but at least two of them were to check for all that. You know. The first one is just to see, you know, if there's a baby and if it's growing.
Speaker 2:Quite a bit to have and not find.
Speaker 1:And then the last two. I had the last two weeks that I had that I was pregnant with him and that was just more to check to make sure he wasn't in distress or anything like that. They weren't looking for fingers at that point or feet or anything else, but there was two there and again I feel like somehow I did have a weird feeling about that ultrasound tech, but I thought it had to do more with the gender and now looking back at it, it obviously was something bigger than that. But I think our bodies just naturally know somehow, like we know when there's something that's not right. I think it's something that God has designed us to know when things are just not quite what they should be.
Speaker 2:Well, the thing that comes to my mind as you're sharing that is I believe that there's a reason why we didn't know what his condition was and one of your triggers for seizures was stress stress and light. And I look back at it and I think that we need to be very grateful that things happened the way that they did. I believe that it would not have been an enjoyable pregnancy, it would have been a lot of hurt and trauma, if we knew what we knew afterward and we didn't know that before. And you know that's another hindsight situation and we look back at it. But yeah, I do think that there's situations where God just engineers us to understand or to have intuition and sense, and I think that there was some things there, with my bitterness.
Speaker 2:I remember I wanted somebody to pay and I was upset with the Lord, but I also wanted somebody to pay.
Speaker 2:I wanted somebody to pay dearly, I wanted somebody to be fired, I wanted somebody to write an omission of faults, like I needed something, and I recall you supporting me in this effort, but you were just there, you weren't in, you know, lockstep with me. But I went to a lawyer and I said we have this case and there has been a severe lapse of judgment and procedural integrity and we now know it. And I recall this attorney putting together a pre-brief, a little folder, of Parker's case and he had mentioned that he's dealt with a few of these. And we went into his office and we sat down and this was after them taking some time to put together all the artifacts and he sat down with you and I and he said the following I think that this is a pretty easy case, at a minimum, probably a quarter million. But I have a question for you and I need an honest answer from both of you. Do you recall this conversation with him?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And he said if you would have known that he was going to be born with a limb difference, would you have aborted him? And do you remember your answer? What was that answer?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:And then he looked at me and he said dad, if you would have known this, would you have aborted him? And I knew in my heart the answer is no. But I was trying to figure out how to dance around it because I needed somebody to pay and somebody to lose their job, and I tried to use a very nebulous answer. It is something to the effect of well, you don't know what you would have done if you would have had that information at hand at that time. And he was just drilling into that point. He said no, that's not what I asked you. If you would have known, would you have aborted him? And I said no, I do not believe in abortion and I wouldn't have aborted him. And he said it's that simple. Because you're doing that, I suggest you just go and get some counseling and figure things out.
Speaker 2:And then we walked away from that. And that result made me even more bitter. And shortly after that process, parker was born with no left hand, but he had a small special finger we called it his special finger and that special finger started to get infected and I recall that just made me even more bitter. That we have this precious boy hasn't done anything, missing his hand and his one finger. He's losing, but I remember we didn't quite know. There was some stigma around that. You remember that. How do you, how do you, how do you deal with a child with a limb difference and the finger is non-functional? So we didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1:Well, I think I think the main thing about, like the social stigma with his condition is, um, I think at first it was hard because, again, like, the main question to me was like how do you tell people?
Speaker 1:you know, cause it almost felt like it had to be the first thing you said, like like I told my mom his hand's missing. You know, I didn't feel like I could tell people like I have a beautiful son, and then you hand them over and they want to hold him and then they're like what happened, you know?
Speaker 2:so that was the hardest thing.
Speaker 1:I remember, like just trying to think of like, because I shared a lot of stuff on social media. So I thought how do I share this with people? Because I think it's ridiculous to keep it a secret, but at the same time it's like he is born different and I don't know how to share this with people. And so I remember just telling some close friends, and I had a close friend that came to visit him and she took a picture with him, but she made sure not to take a picture because I wasn't ready to tell people yet and I didn't want her to be the first one.
Speaker 1:I was very picky about how I came out with it and I remember I think before I even told people, I remember taking one picture of him and in that photo, like, you could clearly see him and he wasn't. He didn't have mitts on or anything like that. And, um, I don't think a lot of people noticed then either. I think it was the first one that I really posted of him before telling anybody, and there's a few little photos of him on there and again, no one really said anything. A lot of my family knew, and that's kind of what's interesting too is like my cousins and my aunties and all them like uncles. My family did tell people. I didn't tell people to keep it a secret because, again, I knew he's going to be with me and it wasn't anything that we needed to again keep Well it's an effort to de-stigmatize it, and for me, I didn't know how to go about it either.
Speaker 2:It's almost like you're, instead of introducing your child, you're introducing their difference, and I believe that that's what I grappled with for probably the first three months Right after his birth. It was a very traumatizing experience. I went right back to work and I kind of did the checkmark box thing. I went and told everybody I had a son and he's missing a hand. I had a son and he's missing a hand. Rather than really dealing with what I had been through and the blessing that he truly was, I was just trying to put it out there. So I guess, to make me feel more comfortable, that's probably the best way that I can put it. But it was a very short period of time that and I think we started in the same place. We looked at it and we went. We don't know what to do, we don't know what to say, we don't know how to say it, and I believe God put some resources in our path very quickly, and some of those resources I just want to share real quick. One of them was I was on base and I worked on base and I had a co-worker that told me there was going to be a guest speaker to the troops, and so I told my co-worker I can't make it, I have a meeting, not something I can do. And my meeting got canceled and I took that as a sign that God wanted me to go and see this speaker. And I went and I saw the speaker and I was by myself.
Speaker 2:I was on base and this speaker's name was Kyle Maynard and he's missing all four limbs. And I remember him with just super high energy on the stage, really positive and upbeat, and he was talking about his trials. He was a state champion wrestler, summited Mount Kilimanjaro and Everest and it was just very reassuring to me. And the base commander at the time also had a child with a limb difference and so after this show I was able to meet both of them and Kyle told me bring your wife. Tonight I'm going to be giving another speech to the troops. I want to meet her and I want to meet Parker and I recall bringing you there. Do you remember that event? That was one where I think we had that was like our first interaction with somebody who had quite a quite a heavy situation with limb differences and I think now we we've come in contact with a lot of folks like that.
Speaker 1:Well, because his parents completely didn't know and I believe it was their first kid, I believe he was their first kid and they had no idea that he was missing all limbs when he was born.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So that must have been pretty traumatic for them.
Speaker 2:I think he was one of those resources. That was very encouraging to me. And then your dad I recall being at work, he contacted me one day and said hey, I met this guy who's missing his left hand and Parker's missing his left hand. And he said I don't know why, but I decided to go up and talk to him. And your dad, he likes to go up and talk to people, but in this scenario I think he just felt compelled I believe it was a Holy Spirit nudge, but he felt compelled to go talk to this person.
Speaker 2:And so it turned out that this person was, I believe, an explosives engineer, and your dad had mentioned that he had worked at the same company, that I worked same facility, same lab and so I was able to find the individual on the internal web, make contact with them, get together and I don't know, I kind of dug deep into it. I felt like God was putting all the resources at my feet and I was supposed to dig a little deep into them. And I remember bringing you we had met at a cafe and I think we brought Parker. Was that right? Did we bring Parker to meet him?
Speaker 1:I believe so.
Speaker 2:And so one of the reassuring or one of the exciting things about this person is he's a one-handed golfer, champion golfer, right and we were able to meet him and we had a good conversation and he was just very matter-of-fact. He'll be fine, Don't worry about it, Make sure that you don't make him feel weird about it. Like you know, it'll take time, but he'll overcome a lot of these things and so that was really healthy. And then I remember him saying you got to meet my wife, and so his wife's a retired school teacher and we're able to meet both of them and they've been in our lives. They're auntie and uncle now, right, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they've been in our lives now for a really long time, since his birth, and it's been really encouraging having those two people in our lives. And there's been some other resources. Do you do you remember any other resources that you would find valuable?
Speaker 1:Um, I think at the time I felt I found the Lucky Finn project very valuable. Um, I don't reference it as much anymore, but, um, that was one when I first did have him that I I did find pretty valuable because there was a lot of. I realized there's a lot of kids just like him and adults, and that it's not that I'm not alone, because I remember when we had him at the hospital, it's like nobody knew what that was Like. It seemed kind of because you must see a lot of babies.
Speaker 2:You would expect that, right yeah.
Speaker 1:And no. And even when we saw our pediatrician, like I think he had, he didn yeah and no. And even when we saw our pediatrician like I think he had. Yeah, like it was just really interesting because I thought it was common. I guess, and looking at statistics it's more common than you know and now, having a son with the missing limb, it's extremely common. It feels like right.
Speaker 1:Like you said, we saw a gentleman today, like we see people all the time. I actually saw two people today. One guy that we met, he was born missing. I think it's his. I want to say it's his left hand also, but it's, he was born like that. You know. I don't know about the other guy. I feel we didn't get to talk to him, but yeah, I feel like it's really common now to see that, but at the time again, we didn't really know anyone or hadn't heard of it.
Speaker 2:So Even Dr Google wasn't turning up any results for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, because we thought it was amniotic band syndrome.
Speaker 1:We really didn't know what it was Like, we had to do our own research. No one, even the doctor that had seen me my whole pregnancy, came in and said I'm sorry, and she was the same one who saw me with my last, with my girls, and she didn't really even know. You know, and that was the hard thing, was the first couple of days was not knowing, like, does this mean he's going to die, does this mean he has some kind of which we thought, by the way, yeah, because we didn't know, we had no idea what.
Speaker 1:what does that mean? I think it would have been different if it was just cut off somewhere, but the fact that he had that little tiny finger and just looked it just didn't know what it was.
Speaker 2:Well, one of the things that we were told is he might have I think it was a deformed or a malformed liver.
Speaker 1:No, no, it's not that they were saying that when, when you develop your limbs, hands and feet I guess that's when your kidneys are also developing. So there's a possibility. If he has a limb difference there can be some kind of issue with his kidneys.
Speaker 2:And so.
Speaker 1:I remember then he had to do that when he was younger we had to go to have two ultrasounds on his kidneys and on his bladder, because I remember them even saying his bladder looked too big and it's like, oh man, but like it could just mean that he needs to use the restroom or there might be an issue. So come back and we had to go get another ultrasound just to make sure there were no further issues, and I think that's when I truly had peace about his situation. Well, actually we did the genealogy or the genetic testing and all that, the genetic testing.
Speaker 1:I recall that yeah we did that and it was after we answered all the questions and they decided not to even go further. With that that I realized that he was just fine because it's just a hand, there's nothing else to it. But he's missing a hand, that's it.
Speaker 2:But that first year was filled with doctor's appointments and it was filled with uncertainty and worry and doubt and I recall all those resources coming to us very quickly. But we were looking for that reassurance that he was medically and physiologically okay and that was a really reaffirming moment where we both went okay, everything's fine, he's just missing a limb. And the Lucky Finn project actually was the biggest one for me and for the listeners online. If you're interested in looking this up, you can go to luckyfinnprojectorg.
Speaker 2:I would say that this is probably the most useful resource that we found right off the bat, because it was just an. It was an opportunity to connect with other humans who are facing the same thing. We were able to go through and actually figure out that it wasn't amniotic band syndrome before we were told that and that was a really healthy one. They have a sticker and Cora and I put one on both of our vehicles and it kind of made us stand out. We met somebody very interesting by putting the sticker on our car and it said said 10 fingers are overrated, and I don't think a lot of people understood what that was.
Speaker 1:No, no, or even the Lucky Finn project, cause I had both stickers on my car.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 10 fingers are overrated and the Lucky Finn project, and we've had the opportunity to share that with a lot of people and I feel like that was a super, a super informative and healthy community to engage with. There wasn't a lot of resources at the time and, like you said, everybody seems so baffled. You know, we were talking to experts and they're like I don't know what this is, I don't know what to do. Fortunately for us, we were able to see I think her name is Dr Mercer.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That was his hand specialist and so she's, you know, pretty much world renowned, and she happens to be in our state, so that was really awesome. And then the other one was and this was just a short period of time, but very encouraging. I thought it was PJs for little warriors or PJs for fighters, and we, we were able to reach out. Do you remember that one?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, definitely I remember it.
Speaker 2:We got a nice little care package and you started dressing Parker up in Superman type attire we're sharing earlier that you recall getting some clothes from somebody and you just started putting him in Superman gear and we have a cute little picture of him in it and from there we had sort of dubbed him Superman and we even had his first birthday as a Superman theme. That was the most amazing birthday. By the way, it was a what you would call a birthday bash. We had I don't know what over a hundred people there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, probably.
Speaker 2:That was a pretty, pretty amazing birthday for him. Have you had any experiences with other parents that have a child with a limb difference?
Speaker 1:Yes, I have. There's actually a few that I've met in person and then some just online. So you were kind of describing about putting our stickers on our vehicles and having an opportunity to meet some people. I think we went to Raton, New Mexico, and we were camping, and so I remember waking up and this man kind of came to us and I think he was just waiting for us to wake up.
Speaker 2:I remember that.
Speaker 1:He was just sitting around waiting because I think he was already supposed to be out of there, but he was so excited because when he saw our stickers, he has a granddaughter and she was born with some missing fingers and she might have a certain condition, but I don't know it. And so he's like oh, I've been waiting, I saw your bumper sticker and I want to tell you about my- the Lucky Finn bumper sticker right yeah about my granddaughter, yeah.
Speaker 1:And so through that I ended up meeting her mom and we're friends on Facebook and just the last time we went through there, which was just a couple months ago, we went and said hi and got to see her little shop there. She has a cute little nail shop, but just keeping in contact with people like that has been really good. And I think that's the thing about New Mexico is, most of the people that I've met here they all see the same exact hand specialist because there's only one in the state. So it's kind of funny to think about all of our kids having the same doctor. But they do. They all have the same doctor if they want to see a hand specialist.
Speaker 1:So that's kind of the interesting part about it. But I think those are the main. I mean, again, I've met lots and lots of people, but um, those are that one was just one that kind of stands out to me.
Speaker 2:One thing that Parker's birth had opened up for me was opportunity to engage people I normally wouldn't engage.
Speaker 1:Oh, like I would. I would have never approached anybody and been like hey, you're missing a hand.
Speaker 2:What happened? We do that all the time. Now, hey, you're missing the limb. What happened?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we're just curious. Yeah, but before him. No way would I ever ask anybody that question, you know. But it almost feels like you have a connection with people because you can ask that question and say, you know, I have a son, you know, or like sometimes now he's comfortable to go up to people and show him how he's different, you know.
Speaker 2:Like Brenda at Costco. Oh yeah, brenda, different, you know, like a Brenda at Costco. Oh yeah, brenda, with her her limb difference. So we have a we're Costco people and at Costco we have a cashier uh, actually it was our former Costco so we moved a little bit away from that one but we still go to it once in a while and one of the cashiers is missing her limb. So if we see her we're going into that line.
Speaker 1:And it's very similar to his too. Yeah, and they they give each other bumps, right. They they say hi to each other and she's seen him for years and so and she showed him how to tie her shoes, like she showed him how she ties her shoes. So I think I got that on video when, when she first showed us, and I thought it was really cool to see how she actually did it.
Speaker 2:So the community that we've created simply because of his birth and the opportunities to engage people is just enormous, and I think, more than anything, we've had different levels of experience with folks. We've walked up to some people that are very socially kind of awkward about it. It's something that they hide there is. That that's one side of the coin. There's others who are just open and willing to share. So we've got a little bit of, you know, experiences on all sides of of the spectrum, and I think it's been really interesting though and, like you said, I'll go up to people now and I'll just start a conversation and I feel like there's a natural connection there.
Speaker 1:Well, like I talk about it being so common. So just in our community I've read a few of my friends have kids with limb differences and I find that very interesting because there's one guy that I was talking to at the gym and his two sons were there and as I'm telling them about my son, all of a sudden his younger son just kind of shows me both of his hands and one of his fingers. One of his hands, like the fingers, are just completely like missing and kind of just you know, misshapen, and it's like he felt comfortable in that moment to show me and I kind of really appreciated that. And he was talking about playing football and all the different things he does, he can do, and I just thought that was really cool. And then another girl too that I talked to at the gym same thing, like when I was telling her about my son. Like you think you're going to be the only one you know. So when I'm telling her.
Speaker 1:I was telling her about my son, like you think you're going to be the only one you know. So when I'm telling her, she's like, well, I have a stepdaughter and she was actually born missing her hand too. And then we've met her a few times. You know she doesn't live with her permanently, switches back from mom and dad, but just in our small little community. Those are just two kids that I've met. You know. Again, we've met several adults. There's a lady who works at Walmart, there's the guy from church. There's a lot of people just here in this community that I've met that are missing limbs.
Speaker 2:What comes to my mind is the Bible verse that says all things work together for good to those who love God. And sometimes you look at these things and you go how are you going to reconcile this? And it's been really interesting how folks who went through what we've already been through contact us and they want to know and they're like can you give me any advice? How is it? What do you do? We've been somewhere because I believe that that's going to be for the edification of others and I believe that we have a special little guy who does have some challenges.
Speaker 1:Now what would you say? Some of those challenges are, and do you think there's any advantages to him having any limb differences?
Speaker 2:Well, first off, I think his college is going to be free, so I'm? I've been told that by, by uncle Bobby, who has a limb difference.
Speaker 1:There's not a hand clap button on here.
Speaker 2:I have a hand clap button.
Speaker 1:We'll figure it out later.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can definitely do a nice little hand clap, but I think that there's a lot of advantages that he's going to have. And, more than anything, I believe he's a cute little kid and I can just imagine the lines I would have if I were a young man, with one hand trying to find my new wife, and the pickup lines that I would have would just be amazing. And I think that's part of a little funny scenario in my head where I believe he's going to have free college and he's going to find an amazing woman and you know, he's just he's. He's a charming little guy.
Speaker 2:I also think that as part of his process, he learns he does things different. It's weird to be in these really weird patterns. We get stuck and fixated Right when we do things, we expect things to be done the same way, and when I see him do things different, it's just really amazing. So I do think that there are advantages. I think that his walk in life is much different and it's going to be different and it's going to be unique and I think that there are going to be some are that because of his limb difference he tends to pull people in and people just absolutely love him, or I don't know if it's his personality.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean, Because he's always been, he's always been missing his hand. So it's like do people kind of slightly feel sorry?
Speaker 1:and then they just want to be his friend and they're like this. You know, this would be kind of cool to be his friend. Or is it that his personality is really good, because he definitely has one of those really outgoing personalities where he can make friends with everybody, where my other daughters are not necessarily? My daughters are not like that. They won't just go up to someone and start playing with their whole family. But you know, we went on a trip and he was hanging out with the whole family like he. He didn't even hang out with us. He hung out with this other family and they're calling him by name and throwing him a ball and it was just, he just loves it.
Speaker 2:It's that preferential treatment, and it exists. There's something that makes you feel bad for him, but the funny part is you shouldn't feel bad for him. So people give him preferential treatment and they don't know it.
Speaker 1:Well, we've met people who've said that before, mainly kids, but I've heard some adults say that, where they said oh, I just feel so bad for him, you know. And I tell them don't feel bad for him, he doesn't feel sorry for himself, like he does not want you to feel sorry for him. I've told so many people that.
Speaker 2:Don't feel sorry for him. He's, he's just fine. It's his walk and it's the way that we've raised him and I think that we're going to continue to raise him to be courageous and strong and to persevere and to move forward. And I know that he has times, and I have times too. Where I come, I come back to the space of I'll watch him do something and it hits me and I go. My son's missing a hand.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it was one of those things that you thought of so much when he was little. But then you would kind of go months without thinking about it and then you're like, oh shoot, yeah, he's missing a hand. Like completely forget about it. And I remember even the friend that we're talking about, that uncle, you know. I remember one day he came he's the one who's missing a limb as well and we all went to the swimming pool and he was bringing like food or something. And he came up to me and says hey, can you help me carry this stuff? Can you help me go to the car and bring all this stuff? And I kind of looked at him thinking like why can't you just bring the stuff, you know?
Speaker 1:And as he's walking away I realized, oh shoot, yeah, he's missing a, he's missing a, he's missing a hand, like yeah I gotta give this guy a hand, you know, and I just thought I'm so stupid because give him a hand, you get.
Speaker 2:So you, that's a joke.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a joke yeah, okay, there you go, but no, seriously, though, does it stop?
Speaker 2:it does stop.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was a good one so, yeah, no, um, but it's one of those things that you, you, you forget about it, you forget about that there's that difference, and so at this point I don't think about Parker's hand a whole lot. When we do face certain challenges I think about it, but it's really rare that I don't feel bad anymore, and I used to feel that for the first year of his life I felt bad.
Speaker 2:And who's to say if a disadvantage is not actually a advantage?
Speaker 1:oh yeah that's misrepresented all the time and I look at that and I go that's just misperceived I think it's because we didn't know the possibilities, though we didn't know what he could do we thought?
Speaker 1:there's. There's not a lot he can do with one hand, right like I feel like there was a lot of things he was going to miss out on and it wasn't until seeing other people that are in his same situation doing things like winning golf, championships, tournaments, all that, and wrestling, and just all the things that we've seen over over the years, it made me realize like there's very minimal things that I feel like he he can't do.
Speaker 2:He can do a lot of things.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of things that he can do, you know playing baseball and everything that he likes to do riding a bike he loves that. I think you'd have to have two hands for that to grip, well, but he's. He was riding a bike early. You know a lot of things that I feel like. In some ways, he feels like he does have to prove, prove himself, you know. So he has picked up things earlier than I feel like most kids have with two hands, and he's had different experiences too.
Speaker 2:That, I think, make his life really rich, like having our friend Nathan build him a robotic hand.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Figuring out different ways of doing things. The way he plays baseball is really unique. I can tell you right now it's very, very interesting to watch him play ball. That's something that's really cool. One thing that came to my mind is both of our girls are left-handed, and so we were thinking what are the odds if he's left-handed?
Speaker 1:And I think that's probably one of the main reasons why I did notice his hand at birth, because I remember when our first daughter was born, when she started trying to feed herself, I would give her her spoon in the right hand and she would switch it over, put it in her left hand and start eating her food. And I just kept doing that and she just kept going to her left hand, left hand. And then I realized, wow, we actually have a left-handed kid, because no matter what I gave her, she would always put it in her left hand. And then, five years later, when we had our second kid, it was the same exact thing.
Speaker 1:So I tell people I'm like you don't think I would have thought about my son's hand before he was born, but, believe it or not, I did. I did think about his left hand, and it was only because, out of my my two girls, I already have two lefties and I thought what are the chances of having a third kid with a left hand? And so when he was born without a left hand, it was like I think that's what kind of made the whole thing a little bit sad. It did.
Speaker 2:And just because he's missing his left hand doesn't mean that he's not left hand dominant.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's another thing we learned from someone missing a limb too. You know I've. I I thought that if you use the hand that you're given, right, like that's just the way it is Right. And, uh, I remember when I first introduced him to Facebook, which was the Lucky Finn Project, there was a few comments on there of people saying, oh, I'm missing. I was born missing my left hand, but I'm left hand dominant and I still think about that with him now because he's only seven. So we still don't know, but there's a lot of things he's done together. When he would write with a pencil, he would put both of his hands together and write, you know, instead of just one. So I feel like, you know, as he gets older we might really know like what, what would feel comfortable if you had this hand? Would that feel more comfortable? Or does it feel completely comfortable what you're doing? Cause maybe he was just supposed to be my right-handed child, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so with with Parker, have you had to make any accommodations for him?
Speaker 1:Um, yes, but the main accommodations I've made for him is just in his clothing. So I think that's especially important, especially because I can sew, um, and I've always felt bad for people that they just have sleeves dangling, and occasionally he's had that too. I don't always get time to alter all his shirts, but if I can, I alter all of his clothing so that, um, so kids don't even really notice because, um, I try to make him the same length for his, his special hand, so it's not like the sleeve is just dangling. And there's been a few people that have have not known because the sleeve was dangling so they thought his hand was just up there, missing somehow, and they've made comments before. I remember one lady said like got your hand, where's your hand? You know one of our neighbors.
Speaker 2:We've had a few kids get freaked out too, not knowing his hand's missing. They point at it and go something's missing there.
Speaker 1:Well, I think one of the funniest experiences was one of the kids that was this little kid and he uh, it was a Harbor freight and he, he grabs Parker, he's playing with Parker, and then he grabs him by the hand that he's missing and brings them all the way to me and says his hand's missing. And I was like, yeah, I know, you know, and it's the funny part about that too is I always know when we encounter a kid, when they're going to point out his limb difference, some kids will just play with him and you know they notice it, but they don't bring it up and I can always tell I'll look at the kid and say they're going to say something and it's always still like it's missing. It's like the obvious, it's never anything mean.
Speaker 2:It's really funny though.
Speaker 1:But you already know who they are though.
Speaker 2:As the mom, for some reason I always know this kid's going to say something. We've had quite a bit of interactions like that, where somebody recognizes it usually a younger kid and they're just kind of taken back. So very, very interesting interactions that we've had there. If you could provide some advice, share a little bit of advice with others about limb loss, what would you say?
Speaker 1:I would say the main thing is is not to treat him different. My son, I've tried to treat him like the girls, like my daughters, and I'm thankful to have had him last, because then I did have that experience of what it's like to have kids with, you know, both hands, and then with him I thought, you know, there's probably a lot of things he can't do. So just knowing that he can do just as much as they can do, that's probably one piece of advice that I would give. Also, I think a main one, and this is what I've been telling people since um I think maybe my son was about two or so was um, surround them with people like them. I think that was one of the best things that we could have done as parents was two weeks after he was born. That's when we met his uncle, um, and uncle by um association association. Yeah, we adopted uh an.
Speaker 2:Association Association Adoption. We adopted an uncle An uncle, yeah, so no blood relation.
Speaker 1:An auntie yeah, an auntie, and so just introducing him to someone just like him was probably one of the best things we could have done, because at a young age, hey, there's this guy and he looks just like me, we're going to go do things, but only us can do this. Only we can do this because we're the same. So I remember him feeling like that a lot, you know, like anytime we would see something he'd say, oh, like uncle, or look at this like uncle, and he would just um, get excited to see them and um. But again, I feel like that's the sad part for some kids is their parents want to treat them Well. They treat them different, you know, and they don't expose them to people like them. For some reason, they don't want to let people know that their kid was born different and they'll just hide it and they'll not talk about it.
Speaker 1:And I think that that's. It's just kind of amazing to me that it's so simple as just try to find someone like you, you know, try to find someone like your kid and let them. Let them experience other people and the way that they do things. And I think that's probably one of my best pieces of advice that I can give to a parent, um, would be introduce your kids to people like them, and we do that with our son all the time. We go places and, hey, let's go say hi to him, you know, or you know, and it's exciting for him because he's still little. So when he meets an adult and he goes up to them and shows him that he's missing a hand too, it brings joy to their face.
Speaker 2:You know, special hand bumps is what they get. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:You know, but, like I said, that's probably the main piece that I could share there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's really good for me it would be. Don't feel like you have to validate your, your limb difference or if it's a child that you have, it doesn't need to be validated. You don't have to push it on people and, and you know, feel it necessary to go. My son's missing a hand, just so everybody knows. My son was born. He's missing a hand. If you don't want to say anything, that's fine, but you let that individual shine, embrace it. We're fearfully and wonderfully made according to the Bible and I think that we need to live in that light.
Speaker 1:Knowing God makes everybody different, Just because you were born with two hands doesn't mean that that's quote unquote normal. Well, and I remember at the beginning, even when we dropped him off in a nursery or somewhere we weren't familiar with, I would tell the teacher like, oh, by the way, he's missing hand, you know, and I think one of my main reasons for doing that is because he did have that little finger and I was worried about kids pulling it, because there were kids who did that and for those of you who don't know, like his little finger was barely attached, so it seemed like easily, if a kid had enough strength they could just pull it off.
Speaker 2:So it wasn't the truth of that thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was. But it was scary if he would have fallen on it. Like there was a few times that he did things that it kind of made us a little bit nervous for him, because we didn't want him to hurt himself. But I think that's mainly why I would let people know, because after that, like we didn't tell anybody, like we would just here's my kid, and then that's it.
Speaker 2:That's all they need to know.
Speaker 1:And I think one of the exciting moments was, I think we went to a church and we gave him to the nursery worker and when we picked him up he was only about two. He was barely walking, maybe he was like 18 months, I can't remember 18 months to two. And when I picked him up the lady told me we let him hand out all the plates. And I just thought that's just for me as a mom, I thought that's the sweetest thing that they could let my kid with one hand hand out all the plates, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was really cute.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So, like I said, he does have a lot of things that he can do and I appreciate when even those who don't know him give him that responsibility, responsibility and they don't neglect that he can't do things. You know, they do think he can and they've seen him too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, he's 100% capable, and I don't think we've put limitations on him, and that's the thing is. He does have certain things that he has to overcome, but if you don't put limitations on people, they will excel in whatever it is that they're doing, and I think he's the same way. And one of the things that I think that we've encouraged him to do before, too, is hey, if somebody asks you about your hand and you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to answer. If you feel comfortable, you can answer If you want to tell them that a shark ate it. That's even funnier. Like you make up your own cool funny stories, but you live your life just the way that you want. Don't don't ever be ashamed about it, though. That's the big thing I think we've tried to really encourage him with.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think as he gets older he's going to have way more exciting stories to tell people. You know if they're true or not. You know, like a shark, ate his hand. But right now he tells the truth, Like his sisters have tried throwing that out there and he goes no, no.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was born this way, you know. And the cool thing about that is because I think earlier we're talking about like stigma around it is when you tell people you're born that way, no one really questions it after that, Like what else is there to add, you know? And so I feel like that's kind of been easy for him as he tells people, oh, I was born this way, and then they just move on with life, you know, and believe it or not, like with this. I think when he was first born I thought about all the negatives. He's going to get bullied, People are going to be mean. It's going to be a constant thing and you know, when we did talk to a few people who were born years ago with the same thing, they did talk about a lot of bullying in school and hiding it and not talking about it and all that.
Speaker 1:And I think that's what's really nice about social media and all the stuff that we have now is we've seen so many people like us that these people are not hidden. We're not.
Speaker 2:Well, almost 1,800 people who have come back from the war with lost limbs. You know that we have and it's estimated 3.6 million people will be living with a limb lost by 2050. This is kind of the new normal. This is what it looks like living in our world.
Speaker 1:I don't know the numbers, but I remember too, doing our research after having him and they said that this is more of a rare thing to be born with a missing limb versus like you're talking about war and all that. That's extremely common, but to be born with it is more rare. But it's the best. I feel like to be born with it because then you don't know any different.
Speaker 2:It's life and you just move on with life and I'm very grateful for him.
Speaker 1:So what is your best memory with our son?
Speaker 2:I would have to say what was really heartfelt and touching is when he first tied his shoe, so he was letting me know. He said I can tie my shoe, I can tie my shoe and I kind of wasn't paying attention and letting me know.
Speaker 2:He said I can tie my shoe, I can tie my shoe. And I kind of wasn't paying attention. And when I heard what he said I was like you can tie your shoe. Like I got to see this. I'm like okay, go ahead and tie your shoe. And he, he did this little. You know rabbit ear under the loop, you know the whole routine, but I didn't understand how he did it and he tied his shoe and I just I remember it just really tugged on my heart and a little tear came out of my eye and I thought this, this guy's going to be okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:He's going to be fully capable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think for me. I have like one memory that's my favorite. But I think one of my favorite favorite things is when it's springtime or summer, because he will always pick me flowers like no matter what, like you could tell him go pick up trash outside and he'll come back with a flower, you know, but for me, and so I remember, um, just a few weeks ago he was kind of in some trouble at school and I think at school they have to kind of walk around the play yard. If they're in trouble they have to give them time of walking or running.
Speaker 2:And when you say flowers, you mean beautiful little weeds.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, basically.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, they're not. They're like wild flowers and they smell really bad, but but it's just something he's always done, Made sure to do that for me. So, um, the teacher that was in charge of that is a personal friend of mine and I've known her since we were younger and I have her on Facebook too. So, as he's supposed to be doing this little thing, I guess he just found a flower and picked it and gave it to her, and so she sent me a picture of it, and it just made me think about all the times that he has picked flowers for me. He just, anytime we go anywhere, no matter what it is, he'll always make sure to pick a flower for mama. So for me that's very special that he thinks of me like that.
Speaker 2:He's your special little right-hand man.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, for sure, most certainly Mama's right-hand man.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna end here today. I hope that this was edifying for our listeners and I just wanna end on one note, and I want that note to be Lucky Finns Rock. If you wanna check out some of those resources, go to luckyfinprojectorg. They're really helpful. You can also check out the Amputee Coalition. They have a lot of good resources available as well.
Speaker 2:I really hope that today's subject helped to dive a little bit deeper into grieving the loss of a limb. It's not really about staying in the grieving process. It's more about celebrating the differences that we each have. I think that our opportunity to go through this process is really one that allowed us to strengthen our relationship and our parenting capability, and so, hopefully, today's episode has been really fruitful and edifying to our audience. Thanks for hanging out with us today. We aim to help others live a dedicated, devoted life. If you want to come alongside us in partnership, please check out dedicateddevotedcom and make sure to subscribe. Join us next time for another episode of Dedicated Devoted. We post a new episode every week and we hope you join us. We'll see you here there or up in the air.