💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

If your stepkid wants nothing to do with you, please know that's more of a reflection on what you represent to them than it is a commentary on your personality.

Your stepkid doesn't care how great you are. All they care is that you represent change, and change feels scary — especially to kids who are still shaken up from the massive upheaval of the divorce/breakup of their parents.

This makes stepparents the perfect candidates for stepkids to turn into scapegoats. Don’t like what’s for dinner? Blame the stepparent! Grouchy about the conflict between houses and sick of feeling stuck in the middle? Probably that dang stepparent’s fault!

A stepparent gives children of divorce a gift they never had before: a safe target for their unhappiness. Otherwise they'd have to acknowledge a lot of unpleasant truths about their parents, which most kids can't handle.

So if your stepkid's rejecting you, try not to take it personally. I know firsthand that's so much easier said than done. But honestly, these kids will change and grow and mature with time. Most of them will eventually sort out their mixed feelings and at that point your relationship will very likely change for the better. In the meantime, hang in there, keep breathing, and keep right on being your fabulous self. And if you need some extra support along the way, come join our support community in Substack. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Custody orders are not a matter of opinion. A parenting plan is an enforceable legal document that protects both parents' legal parenting rights. One parent cannot legally make arbitrary, unilateral decisions that affect the other parent's visitation time; that would be a violation of the custody order. And you have the legal right to report that to the court by filing contempt.

Ideally though, your custody orders shouldn’t be so vague that they leave room for a toxic ex to willfully misinterpret them. A lot of lawyers don’t understand how important this is however, so they keep on writing poorly-worded parenting plans. Yikes. 😱

If your high-conflict ex is a pro at twisting your legal paperwork around so it always seems to work in their favor, please go grab our conflict-reducing parenting plan checklist. Because the ex is NOT in charge of interpreting your custody orders… no matter how much they’d like you to believe otherwise. xo

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

One of my biggest stepparenting frustrations was feeling blocked in my ability to make changes for the better in the life of my stepkid. Yet — trying to parent my stepkid ended up causing stress and friction between me and my stepkid AND between me and my partner. And when that happens, it’s probably time to disengage.

It’s not that you shouldn’t care how your stepkids are raised — obviously you care, otherwise you wouldn't be out here listening to a stepparenting podcast. But no matter how much you care about your stepkids, your power to enact any real change in their lives is going to be largely determined by how much your partner supports you in the stepparenting role... or how much they don't.

If you’d love for your partner to support you but they’re unaware you need that from them, go check out the guide that Dan & I put together: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 It’s for both of you to go through together to hopefully get on the same page.

But if you’re already feeling really frustrated or resentful about your stepparenting efforts going unrecognized, I also recommend reading the Disengaging Essay. Because you need your partner’s support for sure, but you probably also need to redefine your role a little to figure out what’s working and what’s not working. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in stepfamily life that we forget there's a big wide world beyond our blended family bubble. We can try so hard to be good stepparents that we end up losing track of who and what we are outside of our stepparenting role.

When we define ourselves only by how much our stepkids like us (or whether they like us at all), or whether we feel like we’re “blended” yet, we're selling ourselves short on every possible level.

Never forget that you are a whole, complete, and worthy person just as you are, regardless of what grade you're giving yourself as a stepparent. Or what grade your stepkid or partner gives you.

Just showing up today makes you awesome. There's plenty of people out there who wouldn't even bother doing that.

So listen, there’s a link in the show notes where you can send me a text. And for a little homework today, I’d love if you send me a text sharing at least one awesome thing you are besides a stepparent. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

We tell our kids that big emotions feel scary, but that’s actually just as true for us grownups. Stepparenting is overwhelming a surprising percentage of the time. No matter how committed you are to building your blended family, you cannot be all in, all the time without some kind of pressure relief valve.

Sometimes the only way to deflate all the seriousness down into a more manageable size is to poke some fun at the whole mess. Crack more jokes. Tease your partner a bit. Tease the kids a bit. I mean, don't invalidate anyone; there's a line between teasing and mean girling that shouldn’t be crossed. But we can’t let ourselves get so tightly wound about making everyone happy, or making sure everything is perfect and everyone gets along that we end up feeling stiff, stifled, and resentful.

Humor can help tip the scales away from anger and toward regaining a balanced perspective. Make room for the absurdity of it all — lord knows most of this shit is funny in a dark humor kind of way if we can bring ourselves to laugh at it.

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Today’s pep talk is simple. I just want you to know you are not alone.

You're not.

As isolated as you may feel, as many cheerleading posts about stepparenting that you might read (and then feel guilty that you don't feel like a cheerleading kinda stepparent), know that stepparenting being hard is also normal.

It took me years of feeling frustrated, stuck, and lonely AF before I finally figured out how to feel okay within my blended family, and okay with my role as a stepmom.

Some folks may waltz gracefully into stepparenthood with no problems whatsoever, but I promise you they are NOT the majority. The majority looks more like… drowning in mixed feelings 24/7, not feeling sure of what the right or wrong way to do ANYTHING is, and generally beating your head against a brick wall.

If that sounds like you, welcome! I’m glad you found your way here. If you’re looking to connect with other stepparents in the same boat, we’d love it if you’d join our Substack support community. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

You can’t coparent with someone who won’t compromise. If you're continually bending over backwards trying to make reasonable accommodations while the other co-parent keeps making unilateral decisions and refusing to meet you even close to halfway, I've got news for you: that's not co-parenting. That's you getting manipulated.

All the advice about peaceful co-parenting assumes that both people involved are reasonable adults who truly have their child's best interests at heart. And honestly, most of us believe that about even our most difficult exes too. So when the typical co-parenting advice doesn't work for us, we think WE’RE the ones who must be failing. Like maybe we just need to try harder & compromise more.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

NOPE. If you're dealing with someone who is high-conflict, all the rules change. They don’t care about keeping the kids out of the middle. Their goal for “co-parenting” is to get you to go along with their program, not work together.

I'm not saying that means you should be difficult right back, but do understand that however much you give, it’s never gonna be enough for someone who is high conflict... unless you're willing to give up absolutely everything and then some. So please stop compromising and stand your ground instead. This blog shares some tips to get you started: ➡️ 5 co-parenting tips that won’t work with a high-conflict ex (...and what to do instead) 👀

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

We all understand that becoming a parent is a major adjustment, yet we expect stepparents to become instant experts in their role. And by “we” I mean society, but also including ourselves. We seem to hold ourselves to this ridiculous standard — like we’re not gonna make mistakes, or there won’t be a learning curve.

For me, I was already a parent when I became a stepparent, so it never occurred to me just how different stepparenting could be. I mean our kids were even the same age for pete’s sake. I thought it’d be like, just add one more kid to the mix, no big deal.

So today’s pep talk is for all you stepparents, especially newer stepparents and pre-stepparents: pretend you're the parent of a brand new baby and give yourself the same kind of grace: get lots of sleep, accept help when it's offered, and if you need help but someone hasn’t offered, then ask. Most importantly, pace yourself! Know that the super hard beginning part isn't always how stepparenting will look or feel. Hang in there. You’ve got this.

And if you need a little extra support along the way, go read my stepparenting survival guide for the CliffsNotes version of what you need to know. Or come join our support group in Substack. You can also send me a text message right through a magical link in the show notes. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

If your partner’s ex is high conflict, limiting how much contact you have with them can also limit the potential for drama.

When I saw how ridiculous Dan’s relationship was with his ex, I thought most of the conflict between houses could be pretty easily resolved through clearer communication. I’m a great communicator, so naturally I stepped in to help. That… did not go well. 😱 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️

As outsiders, stepparents have an ability to pretty clearly see the main co-parenting issues between households. Better than our partners a lot of the time, in fact! So we think we can and should step in to help wherever we can, because that’s what’s best for the kids and our families, right?

Those intentions come from the best place. And I know it seems like by reaching out in a friendly casual kind of way to your stepkid’s other parent, surely you could get through when your partner can’t. You’re basically a neutral third party; you see both sides, you really do!

Please listen to me when I say: set those good intentions down and back away slowly. No amount of friendly outreach is gonna de-escalate a high-conflict ex who’s hell-bent on staying bitter and angry due to their own issues.

Stepparents are not responsible for managing post-divorce conflict between houses. It’s not your job to act as an ambassador between your partner and their high-conflict ex. Your job is to support your partner while they deal with this difficult person that they had a child with. Pretend the ex is your partner’s work problem: listen and sympathize all day long, but try not to get emotionally involved.

That said, if you wanna come vent about all this in a safe space, you’d be very welcome in our private Substack community! You can even sign up under a fake name to protect your anonymity if your partner’s ex is a litigious nightmare. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Becoming a stepparent gave me PTSD. And I do mean PTSD in the literal, clinical sense, as in diagnosed by an actual counselor.

Living under the constant conflict between houses and never-ending uncertainty of where the next attack might be coming from turned my existing anxiety issues into a full-blown trauma response. Which it’s taken me years to heal from.

I’m telling you this in case you yourself feel triggered by your partner’s ex or your stepkid. If you’re like “Why the hell is my heart going like a jackhammer every single transition day” — you too might have complex post-traumatic stress disorder from becoming a stepparent.

That’s how serious the stress of stepfamily life can be, particularly when there’s high conflict. So I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I have a whole blog post where I talk about my experiences in more detail: ➡️ Becoming a stepmom gave me PTSD 👀

And if you’re one of our paid subscribers on Substack, you also have access to my high conflict stepparenting workshop, where I go into a lot more depth about how why stepparents end up finding ourselves here in PTSD land, and how we can get ourselves the hell out. xo

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Knowing Dan had a kid and knowing what I was getting into are two totally different things, it turns out.

It’s not that I made the decision to become a stepparent without thinking about it. I honestly thought I knew EXACTLY what I was signing up for, especially since I already had a kid myself. (Famous last words, right?)

Turns out that helping someone else raise a kid that's not yours comes with a whole lot of strings and baggage that are wayyyyy more complex than any of us realize at the beginning of this journey.

And you know what? Feeling overwhelmed by just how different your vision of blending a family is compared to the reality of blending a family is totally normal and totally okay. Struggling to find your place and figure out what your role is really supposed to be doesn't mean you're failing. This job is hard by default.

If you’re feeling lonely or like you’re struggling or just wish you could connect with other stepparents who get it, that’s exactly what we offer in our private support community on Substack. You’ll get access to a private chat where you can vent in a safe space, you can ask me & Dan whatever questions you like or for tips and advice, and you’ll also get access to a ton of in-depth resources on everything from transition day tips to how to create effective boundaries with a high-conflict ex. We’d love you have you. xo

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

One person in a relationship sitting back and expecting the other do all the work is never okay. And that goes double in a stepfamily.

I can't believe how many stories I've heard from stepparents who are accused of not doing 'enough' by their partners… and yet their partner, the actual parent, REFUSES TO PARENT.

This is some serious bullshit, folks. Stepparents should not be expected to parent more than their stepkid's actual parent!!

I mean if you want to and you're happy doing that and you being in that role works for everyone, terrific. But if you're worn out and resentful and frustrated and STILL your partner expects you to step in and handle the lion's share of the adulting and parenting... that is not okay, and you are WAY overdue to disengage.

Start by reading the Disengaging Essay. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

You can trust your partner completely and still feel jealous of the life they had with their ex.

It's normal to feel bummed that you'll never share all those important "firsts" with your partner because they already shared them with someone else. It's normal to feel angry that you'll never enjoy an uncomplicated relationship with the love of your life.

So go ahead and feel jealous sometimes. Feel angry, feel hurt, feel sad. Just don't let those emotions eat you alive. If you notice your thinking turns obsessive or toxic, make a committed effort to change the TV channel in your head to something else. (ANYthing else!)

Most of all, focus on your future together. Your partner may have had those "firsts" but do you think they're happy they had to be shared with someone who's now an ex? Of course not! Your partner is looking for their own fresh start, or you wouldn't be in the picture. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The future you'll share together adds up to way more than a chapter in your partner's past that's already over.

PS - If you’d love a guide for how to juggle the insane emotions that seem to go hand-in-hand with stepparenting (seriously, does anyone else feel like they’re back in middle school or something??) please go check this out: ➡️ 17 Coping Tips for Managing Overwhelming Stepparenting Emotions 👀

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I used to blame myself when Dan's ex would go off the rails, like it was my fault I encouraged him to grow a backbone. Like maybe I never should've tried to create rules and structure for my stepkid. Maybe if I'd just kept my mouth shut, the conflict between houses wouldn't have escalated the way it did.

Then I remind myself of something my sister always says: "Crazy doesn't need a reason."

Even if Dan & I had never met, his ex would've found some other way to alienate him from his kid. She'd have found some other excuse to flip out about every little thing, because that is the nature of a high-conflict person who thrives on chaos and drama. Nothing we did or didn't do would ever have changed that.

When you're dealing with a high conflict co-parent, the answer is always better boundaries, not more compromise. A high conflict person is gonna be high conflict either way, so you might as well err on the side of protecting yourself and the family you're trying to build.

Unfortunately, this advice is the opposite of what most co-parenting resources will tell you. But the truth is that most co-parenting resources don’t have any lived experience dealing with someone who’s determined to be unreasonable. Which is why I wrote this: ➡️ 4 things typical co-parenting advice gets wrong about high conflict 👀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

If you're a stepparent feeling frustrated, stuck, or unhappy, change for the better is absolutely possible. But it's probably not gonna come from the direction you think it is.

We keep waiting for our stepkids or partners or the ex to change so our lives become easier. We get increasingly frustrated when no one seems interested in changing. And the whole time, we forget that WE can change; that's the one thing we have 100% control over in our blended families.

In order to blend, everyone in your family will need to adapt and compromise. Including you. You can’t accelerate this process for your other family members, but you can start with yourself. As the saying goes, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Or in this case, be the change you wish to see in your stepfamily.

The first thing we typically need to change? Our own preconceptions: about how our stepkids should act, or how our partners should parent them. We could also stand to change all the wasted time and energy we spend wishing the ex were less intrusive or less crazy or just plain didn’t exist.

It can't be said often enough: blending a family, on average, takes 5 to 7 years (or more). You're in this for the long haul. The sooner you start letting go of your own preconceptions, the sooner you’ll start feeling more comfortable in the stepparenting role. To help, try one of these:

• The 7 stages of becoming a stepparent
• Stepparenting survival guide
• Why everyone in a blended family needs to let go of “should”
• 17 coping tips for managing overwhelming stepparenting emotions

And of course, you can always find more support in our private Substack community. We’d love to have you! xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

Let's talk about your partner’s ex for a sec. Anyone else gotten wayyy too obsessed with the ex for their own good?? 🙋🏻‍♀️ That was definitely me.

Man anger is a tough emotion to shake. Especially when the ex is causing so much drama that you feel like you never get a damn break from their presence overtaking your entire life.

I'm not gonna say you shouldn't be mad (you're almost for sure justified) and I'm certainly not saying you and the ex need to be BFFs (you absolutely do not) but I will say: as long as you are angry, you will stay stuck in that anger.

If you’ve ever looked at your stepkid and felt your blood pressure go up because they look or act so much like the ex that it’s like having a little mini me in your home, you know exactly what I mean. But transferring our anger at the ex onto how we feel about our stepkids is a lot of baggage for those kiddos to carry. And then we're stepparenting from the worst possible place.

It's hard to move past the anger. Believe me, I have been there and I know. But do NOT let the ex take up rent-free space in your head. Evict them. They don't deserve your time or energy. Once you can disconnect your anger at the ex from your feeling toward your stepkid, you'll find that love enters way more easily. And actually, today’s entire pep talk was inspired by a quote from Joan Lunden, who said: "A heart filled with anger has no room for love."

Struggling to relate to your stepkid because they remind you too much of the ex is very very common, and is yet another one of those forbidden topics no one really talks about. So please know, if that’s you, you’re definitely not alone. And you should probably read this: ➡️ WHEN YOUR STEPKID REMINDS YOU TOO MUCH OF THE EX 👀

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I found it tough to connect with my stepkid, especially in our early years. She came across as entitled. She spoke in a cutesy baby voice almost constantly. She had terrible manners, including frequently being rude to me.

I’m embarrassed to admit how long I thought this was a problem with her. It literally took years before the light dawned one day like — wait a sec. Where’s Dan in all this? Sure this kid chews with her mouth open and ignores me at her soccer games but… Dan is the one letting her get away with it.

I didn’t have a stepkid problem. I had a partner problem.

Guilt-based parenting (or rather, lack of parenting) is super common after a divorce or breakup. There are all kinds of reasons this happens, and most of those reasons actually come from a good place. Like wanting the kids to have fun when they’re with you, or not wanting to be the bad guy. Single parents often feel like their kids have it hard enough dealing with their parents’ breakup without coming down on them.

The thing is, kids actually need rules and structure to feel safe and thrive. If you’re stepparenting a stepkid who doesn’t have any of that, or if your partner agrees that their kids need that yet they aren’t stepping up themselves, please please please go check out our guide: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀

There’s an entire section in there about why kids need parenting, and how a lack of parenting can negatively impact your family’s ability to effectively blend, as well as affecting your personal relationship with your stepkid.

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

As the newest members of our stepfamilies, stepparents are the outsiders, which means it's easier for us to see any dysfunction or unhealthy patterns that have been invisible to everyone else.

That's why, when we bring up issues that concerns us, we're told there either isn't a problem, or it's just OUR problem. Like “Well, this is how it's always been... so if you want to be part of this family, you'll have to get over yourself.”

Folks, that's not how stepfamilies work.

Stepparenting is an ecosystem, not an island. Every blended family is only as blended as the sum of its parts. So while the stepparent's actions contribute to any given outcome, guess what, so do the actions or inactions of everyone else. Including your partner and your stepkids.

In other words, stepparents aren't to blame for everything that goes wrong in their blended family. And yet, we so often do blame ourselves.

If you're carrying around a whole bunch of guilt today, feeling like you're the reason your family isn't blending like you'd hoped, today's a great day to set that shit down. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

"No" is a complete sentence. And it's a sentence stepparents are allowed to say.

It really is okay if you don't want to drop everything to watch your stepkids when your partner decided to change the visitation schedule at the last minute and didn't check with you first.

It's also okay if you choose not to attend yet another school event where your stepkid ignores you and your partner doesn't correct them.

And finally, it’s okay to take a break from blending your family — especially if you feel like you're the only one working at this.

Setting boundaries and saying no sometimes are a critical part of learning how to stepparent effectively. Without putting your own oxygen mask on first, pacing yourself, and knowing your own limits, you’ll quickly find yourself feeling resentful or burned out.

And if you’re listening to this like “Too late babe, I am already there” then I highly recommend you go read this: ➡️ THE DISENGAGING ESSAY 👀

It’s basically an explanation of how you got here and encouragement for how you can start course-correcting back to feeling like yourself again. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

A lot of folks act like stepparenting is easy. If it’s easy for them, that’s great. But stepparenting being hard for you doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

So many books and articles I read in my early stepmom days made it sound like there'd be this brief adjustment period and then we'd all be BFFs. So I thought, feeling like this gig is really hard must mean I'm reallllly messing up as a stepparent.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Here's what I know now, though: hard is the default setting when it comes to blending a family, especially when the ex is high conflict. Feeling confused about your role is normal. Wondering where you fit in is normal. And it's also normal to not love stepparenting 100% of the time.

If you feel guilty about those feelings or feel like you're failing as a stepparent because of them, first of all that’s not at all true. And secondly, please know that it's not you. It's just this role. It's the circumstances. It's all the collateral baggage that gets dragged into our lives along with our partners and our stepkids. Please don't beat yourself up if blended family life ends up as way harder than what you thought. I promise, none of us knew what we were getting into.

Anytime you need some reassurance that you’re not alone, we’d love for you to join us in our Substack community. It’s a bunch of very supportive stepparents who totally get it and who’d be very happy to cheer you on and cheer you up as much as you need. xo

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

At first I thought my stepkid just had terrible manners or a bad attitude. TBH, those might be true too. But after years of this with no improvement and actually seeing her behavior get suddenly worse, I finally realized my stepkid was being super shitty to me & Dan on purpose; she wanted to drive us away. And that is the heartbreaking nature of alienation.

On some level, she wanted us to give up on her — so she’d be free from that loyalty bind where her mom kept her trapped. Alienation is like a self-fulfilling prophecy: the alienating parent keeps telling the kid we don’t care about them. And they reject us so hard and are so awful to us that many of us do give up, because we don’t know what else to do and we think that must really be what these kids want.

Instead of giving up though, Dan & I kept trying. Kept showing up and trying our damnedest to show my stepdaughter that we were her family too. That made her so mad for so long I thought she'd never forgive us.

Fast forward to today though and here we are. Life is pretty damn normal with my stepkid these days. She even tells us she loves us now and gives us hugs and stuff, which she quit doing for years. Just goes to show that no matter how bad your relationship with your stepkids seems right at this moment, you never know when you might turn a corner. 💕

If you’re currently trapped in your own personal worst-case scenario with alienated stepkids, please know I’m sending you love. And also, please don’t lose sight of the big picture. Don’t forget that underneath the layers and layers of the rejection and anger of parental alienation, your stepkids are your family. And you are theirs. No matter how hard they try to prove otherwise by pushing you away.

There’s no aspect of stepparenting life I found more heartbreaking than the alienation we lived through, yet finding accurate advice to support you through that is incredibly hard.

Which is why Dan & I set out to create the resources we wish we’d had ourselves back when we were living our own worst-case scenario, such as this workshop: ➡️ Parental Alienation: Survival Strategies for Blended Families 👀 It’s free for our paid Substack subscribers, or you can watch it by signing up for a free trial. I really hope it helps. xo

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

One of the few things stepfamilies have in common with a traditional family is that your romantic relationship acts as the foundation.

In a traditional family, we know exactly what would happen if we continually neglected our partner to tend to the kids. We know the kids can’t come first at the cost of our relationship, and that we’ve got to carve out couple time if we want to survive as a couple.

Somehow in stepfamilies, we tend to forget that.

Stepcouples, please make time for yourselves and each other. You’ve got to nurture the soil so your stepfamily can throw down the deep roots necessary to help you grow.

If your partner has a different philosophy about this or you otherwise feel like you’re not quite on the same page, Dan & I made this to help you out: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀

It’s free for our paid subscribers on Substack but you can also access the whole thing if you sign up for a free trial. I mean obviously we hope you’ll stick around longer than that, but even if you don’t, we’d just really love to help you turn your ship around. xo

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💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

The vast majority of stepparents enter this role with a reasonable amount of respect for our partner’s ex as our stepkid's other parent. We don't want to overstep. We want to do right by our partners and our stepkids.

So we take any suggestions that we're overstepping very seriously. The last thing we want is to make things worse between houses or harder for our stepkids, right? If accused of overstepping, we typically back off just to stay on the safe side, even when all we're doing seems like totally normal stepparenting.

Here’s the thing though. A normal, mature adult whose children have a stepparent wouldn't insist on dictating that relationship in the first place. So if that's what's happening, HELLO RED FLAGS! 🚩🚩🚩 Chances are pretty dang good you're looking at someone who's high conflict.

So today’s pep talk is more of a reminder: just because the ex claims you’re overstepping doesn’t mean you’re actually overstepping.

Many a high-conflict ex will play the overstepping card in an attempt to get you the hell away from their kid. Or control what’s happening at your house. Or stir up drama. Or heck, all of the above!

A lot of stepparents get intimidated by this shit and become paranoid about what the “right” way is to interact with their stepkid. (I know I did!)

So let me be clear: normal, everyday involvement in your stepkid’s life does NOT constitute overstepping.

Packing school lunches, driving your stepkid around, attending their games & recitals, decorating their room at your house, planning family vacations with them, asking them to take their dishes to the sink… none of that is overstepping.

It’s stepparenting.

Anyone who implies otherwise should be soundly ignored.

Like everything else about dealing with a high conflict ex, don’t let their attempted manipulations influence how you and your partner run your household.

This isn’t a job interview. The ex doesn’t get a vote; they don’t have veto power over you. You do not need the ex’s approval to become a stepparent, and they don’t get to dictate the way you’re allowed to stepparent.

If you’re fed up with a nightmare ex, you should definitely come join our support community on Substack. We have a private chatroom where you can safely vent, and you can even use a fake name for extra anonymity if you want. We’d love to have you. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

As a former single mom, all I wanted was to give my kid a "real" family. Even if it killed me.

The thing is, meeting Dan and then trying to force 4 strangers to feel like a family just about DID kill me. Because at no point along the way did I remember to put my oxygen mask on first.

All that self-care advice I’m always sharing with you all? I did NONE OF THAT. I kept thinking, once all our issues are solved, THEN I can relax. Focus on other things besides trying to blend this family.

But stepfam life doesn't work that way because the issues are never fully solved. I don't mean that in a negative or hopeless kind of way, but rather that life keeps happening and challenges are the very nature of life.

We can't put our own self-care on hold indefinitely while we're waiting for our families to blend — especially not when that's a process that takes 5 to 7 years (and 10+ in high conflict 😱).

So make sure you're carving out time for yourself and your own mental health along the way. There's more to you than stepparenting.

If you feel like you’re drowning as a stepparent, please go read my free survival guide! So much of what makes stepparenting challenging is our own misconceptions about life in a blended family and this role itself. In my survival guide, I share a bunch of tips and resources to help make stepparenting feel more doable in a sustainable way. xo

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)

I’ve been sharing all these little tips and reminders and pep talks and advice for many days in a row now, so I feel like maybe this is a good time for a disclaimer.

Please remember that no stepparenting advice applies to every stepparent. If what you're doing works for you & your family, keep right on doing it! Feel free to ignore any "rules" about blending your family that don't apply to you and would never work for you.

Blended families come in an infinite variety of flavors — the key is to find a way forward that works for you and your family. Which could look very, very different from what works for someone else.

It’s so easy to get inside our heads about this and worry that we’re blending our family upside down and backwards. You’re not, I promise. You’re just finding your way, exactly the same as all the rest of us.

If you’d like some extra solidarity along the way, please come join our support community in Substack! We have a private chatroom for troll-free venting, plus you can get advice from me & Dan in our weekly Q&A. But the best part is that you’ll get to connect with a bunch of awesome stepparents who totally get it. xo⠀⠀⠀⠀

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🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo