Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
This is the place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel.
The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Esther Graham has being in ministry all her life and has felt silenced from all the labels and responsibilities that come from being a pastor's daughter to the unexpected role of being a pastor's wife. This journey has not been easy nor has it been just. Esther no longer wants to hid nor lower her voice.
On this podcast, Esther shares what happens when you use your voice and shares the stories of overcoming the stereotypes and living unapologetically.
Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
Unmuted, Unfiltered and Unapologetic. Living True to Yourself, No Apologies
What if living authentically as a Christian woman meant defying both societal and religious expectations?
On this episode of Faith Unmuted, I take you on a deeply personal journey from my upbringing in a parsonage in Guyana to the ongoing struggle with the pressure to conform. Through heartfelt childhood memories—like needing to see the light to complete morning prayers and sneaking peeks during family prayer—I illustrate my lifelong conflict with the idea of "faking it until you make it." This episode emphasizes the importance of seeking genuine light and embracing one’s true self, even amid external pressures.
I share with you my story of self-discovery and identity, shaped by the expectations of being a pastor's child. I expose some of the challenges, including a brief, tumultuous marriage to an alcoholic and the secrecy of my divorce. A pivotal moment came with my father's compassionate response, which encouraged me to openly share my experiences.
I focus on the journey towards self-acceptance and living unapologetically, highlighting the significance of acknowledging past mistakes and having those hard conversations she once avoided.
Tune in for inspiration to reflect on your own path to authenticity and self-acceptance.
Share your thoughts and favorite moment with me at www.esthergraham.com.
You are listening to Faith Unmuted. The place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel. The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Esther Graham:The problem at large is not being allowed to just be who you are, not being able to authentically, let's say, meaning we often have to fake or pretend to be someone else or to agree with something, because there's always this fear of judgment or rejection, not being accepted, not being liked, and so the problem at large is that we're often trying to fit in to someone else's mold or circle and maybe just being who we are and creating our own for what we feel comfortable with and let me just go just a little bit deeper what I feel comfortable with. I think most of my life I've spent trying to fit in to what everyone expected me to be. And you know, I'm beginning to come to terms that this is really who I am. This is me. This is me. I'm that person who always said that, no, I'm my own person, I'm not fitting in, because I felt so rejected, I felt so separated, so detached from so many different things. You know, I began to look back at my life, not to really. I've been really assessing my life, really trying to figure out who I am, and I just remember, you know, as a little girl I'm from Guyana, south America, and as a little girl, so let me just give you a little background of who I am.
Esther Graham:I grew up in the parsonage. You know when I was born. I was born into a parsonage, and if you don't know what a parsonage is, it's when your parents are in ministry and they're pastors. And my parents my dad was a pastor, my mother was an educator and an entrepreneur but very much supported my father. In my eyes, she was the perfect pastor's wife. No matter what she went through, she always maintained a look. But I also remember with that is that there were many times that I would see her crying over something that happened in church, that maybe she didn't feel very protected. And so here I am now. I'm the youngest out of seven siblings and then, after I moved out, I have a brother. My parents adopted a brother when we moved to the United States. But I grew up in this place, to where you know. I grew up in church. I'm a church baby, I'm a church girl, right, and I've got the best parents ever Like. I've got all great memories of them and and yet I also have memories to where you know, where my dad.
Esther Graham:I know many times wish I wish Esther would just be quiet, so, as a little girl they told always would tell me the story that when I would wake up we would kneel down and we would say our prayers. And this one particular morning I began my prayers. Now I lay me down to sleep and part of the prayer was or no, now that I wake and see the light. That was it. And I stopped because I didn't see the light. And so I got up and I went to the window and I pulled back the curtains and I saw the light. And I came back and I said now I see the light.
Esther Graham:And when I realized, thinking about that story that they told me over and over again, is that I have to see something, I have to see the light, and if I don't see the light, I struggle, and the light for me means several things. And so, as I went through my life in different stages, I found that I was always looking for light, but pure light. There's a saying that I often hear people say fake it till you make it. I think that is such a disservice that faking it is not living in authenticity, and that was something that always bothered me, because I found that I can't fake it. Yet I went to a place in my life to where I suppressed everything, that I just really began to fake it.
Esther Graham:I just remember one time in particular I was at home and we were all my brother was there and we were all standing around and my father, you know, called us all to pray and we all stood in a circle and we're praying and I had my eyes open because I wanted to see what everyone else was doing, and my brother, who at the time time he's my, my my siblings are way older than me, like when I say I'm the youngest, my, my brother, that's right before me. It's almost eight years older than me, so I'm very much the youngest. I'm the one that grew up in the United States, the longest right, and so, um. So there's just. Just my thinking was just, I guess, just really different than the rest of my siblings. So, or at least that was my perspective.
Esther Graham:So he's standing there and he opens up his eyes and he looks at me and then he whispers across the room in the circle close your eyes. And I looked at him and I said close yours. And so, because I couldn't understand, why would I have to close my eyes? And so you know, like I said I'm this church girl. And I said at the end he begins to lecture me. My parents aren't saying anything. He lectures me on how disrespectful I am and and how I should have closed my eyes and that's what's required, and and all of these different things.
Esther Graham:And here it is once again. I can't be who I am, I'm looking, there's a reason. And so I said to him but you opened up your eyes and you saw me, so your eyes weren't closed. And if the rule is that we have to keep our eyes closed the entire time, what are you doing looking at me and how am I wrong? And how are you doing looking at me and how am I wrong and how are you right? Here's the other piece is that I look at the practicality of all of this and it's like it says watch and pray. So I'm watching, but who's to judge? And say because I'm watching, I'm not praying? The problem at large is that we're always being judged. I'm always being judged for what I do, what I don't do, what I say, what I don't say, how I react, how I look.
Esther Graham:I've grown up with judgment all of my life, and it wasn't just in the church. Sometimes it was in my family, it was at school, it was in the community. When we moved to the United States, we moved to a place where my father comes over because the church brings him over to pastor an African-American church. One problem with that? We're not African-Americans, we're black, but we're not African-Americans. And someone may think it obviously they did. And someone may think it, obviously they did. What's the problem with that? Because it was the white denomination that brought us over, which was a great thing, but for me it was painful, because when I'm home, I lived in Guyana with my culture, where my parents didn't spend a lot of time teaching me about not being accepted Because of my culture, because of the color of my skin, because of how I looked and how I behaved. All they ever taught me was Esther, be you and just love and, as much as that is within you, just live at peace with everyone, despite how they behave, despite what they do.
Esther Graham:I think, if I was to think of one thing that really bothered me about my upbringing, was that piece right there, because what that meant for me was that I got, I had to squash everything, everything that mattered to me or how I felt, and I think that, whether you grew up in a church or wherever it is that you grew up. We spend a lot of our lives, I did, squashing how I believed, squashing my hurt, my pain, right, not being able to express how I really felt what my beliefs really were. That I come to America, I'm not accepted because I'm not black enough. And then in the white world, I'm not white, and so I had to learn how to navigate, being in both worlds, really being in three worlds, and so always becoming what someone else wants me to be. So with my white friends, I was white, I talked white. Well, that's how I talked. Anyway, I acted white. I talked white. Well, that's how I talked. Anyway, I acted white. And when I was with the black people, they didn't like me because I was black on the outside and white on the inside. What do you do with that?
Esther Graham:I spent my whole life, my entire life, just trying to be Esther, but then I realized I didn't even know who Esther was anymore after a while, because I just lost myself, living up to a standard that everyone else put on me, not really knowing who I was. I kept fighting, thinking I can emerge, but then when I emerged too much, somebody would come and say, no, this isn't right, you shouldn't be doing this, this is not what pastor's kids do, this isn't what you should be doing. And so I would pull back and just go into hiding again, going to being what everyone else thought I should be as I grew up in my adult life. I got married, got divorced, married a person from my country. My marriage maybe last maybe two years, I don't even know, don't even remember we had a son within the two years. I don't even know, don't even remember we had a son within the two years.
Esther Graham:And I remember, once again, not just being allowed to live and not understanding you know what was going on. I, I married this man. We had, by the way, the perfect wedding was going on. I married this man. We had, by the way, the perfect wedding. And, believe it or not, on that rehearsal dinner I said to my then in-laws I don't think this marriage is going to work. I said that to them. I clearly remember, and I remember I was saying it wasn't going to work because he's doing all these different things. But here I am, I'm now getting married. My parents have spent all this money I've got to live this life that looks so perfect. That's what I put on myself. I don't want to say my parents put it on me, because I just think that I just made those decisions because of what I believed and what I thought I had to be. And maybe it was put on me indirectly or directly, I don't even know.
Esther Graham:At this point, all I know is that I was living this and within the two years, I found that I couldn't live it anymore. He was an alcoholic, but what I also did not want to do was disappoint my entire family. I had a brother that got a divorce. I had a brother that got a divorce. I had a sister that got a divorce, and I knew that my parents weren't happy about it, but they accepted it, and I was so determined to make my parents proud and to stand and be that person that's going to just going to do something and stand, and so I didn't want to disappoint them. So what did I do? Hiding again, I snuck and I went and I got my divorce. Because, while I'm trying to show up and be this, there's this part of me that was like oh, this is how I'm feeling about this and I just can't live like this and I can't do this, and so if I can't live out loud and say what I say and feel what I feel and do what I do, then I'm just going to quietly do it. And so I never forget.
Esther Graham:I left him quietly, no one knew, and I called my best friend at the time we were suite mates in college and I called her and I said I got to get a divorce, I'm getting a divorce, and she said OK, what do you need? And she was there for me and I had my child and she kept him while I quietly went and got a divorce. I didn't tell my sisters, I didn't tell anyone, I just did it and I never talked about how painful that was for me, that I felt like a failure. I felt like if I disappointed not just my parents but my entire family. Here we are a Christian family, my parents are pastors and they were pastors and they were excellent pastoring all these people. And here I am with a marriage that didn't even last two years. I have a child and I walked through it by myself and although my friend was with me, I still did it alone.
Esther Graham:It's like I felt I just had to do this alone, and it was a while before I told anyone I got a divorce. It was a while before I told anyone that I was separated. I just quietly did it, quietly, showed up, smiling, and then, when I finally told them, my father really said the best thing to me. He said, esther, in his accent I wish you would have told us so we could have been there with you and for you. I wish you would have given us the chance.
Esther Graham:And so from that point on, I began just a little bit, maybe sharing just a little bit more with my parents of what I was experiencing and what I was going through, and I remember my father being very protective of me, especially with the divorce. My mother was a little bit harder on me, you know, because what they didn't realize, because I never talked about how I was feeling, growing up in the United States and the different worlds and trying to show up in the different worlds and being able to sometimes speak my mind, but not speak it too much. You know, listen to my brothers and sisters tell me that I'm the spoiled one because I got away with stuff that they never got away with. Listen, we were so strict in my senior year of high school here in the US. You know, I got my ears pierced. My brothers and sisters, my sisters especially they were all married and never got their ears pierced. I got my ears pierced, you know, my dad had a fit about it, but I did it anyway. And then after that they went and got their ears pierced, you know. So I always said well see, I'm the leader of the family. I'm the youngest, but I'm the leader. What it really was is that I was the one that would go against the odds, but I would quietly do it in my own subtle way.
Esther Graham:I think the problem at large is that many of us do that. We'll show up and we live out as what people want us to, and then, behind closed doors, is who we really are. We get to a place. I got to a place where I just need to be me right here, to a place I got to a place where I just need to be me right here and going through my divorce, I went through a period where I just really had to find myself because the divorce was just so hard. I now had this child. I was a single mom, never talked about this struggling with me, because now, not only was I judged for other things, you know. But now I'm going to be judged because I'm this divorced woman with a child and sometimes I would leave my son with my parents and I would just go out With people that I met and just have a good time and just party, because I just needed the release. They wouldn't know where I was, they wouldn't even know who I was with. I had my friends that I just felt that I could just be me with, I could just release and I could say you know what, it doesn't matter. And I found that I was living that a lot like going into places where I could just release.
Esther Graham:I was just so lost, I was just so hurt and I didn't know. You know, I could pray about it, which I did, but there was just still always something missing, what was wrong. I was always going back to what's wrong with me. I would go back to why did my parents even bring me to this country? Why did we have to come here? Why did I get married, turned out, I really felt I got married because that's what I felt I should have been. That was the automatic.
Esther Graham:Next step, you know, I realized not fair to my ex is that I got married because I felt that was just something I should do. I got married because I was in a hurt place and I thought marriage was going to heal me, was going to cover me, and I found out it didn't do that at all. As a matter of fact, my ex, who was also a PK preacher's kid, was running from something as well, and he spent his time drinking and running, and that was something I couldn't do. Y'all. I was such a mess that I remember I tried to run him over. That's how crazy I was in my head and no one knew really knew what I was going through and what I was experiencing, because I kept it quiet.
Esther Graham:I would show up as everyone expected me to show up. I would be what everybody expected me to be, and I took that same behavior in different parts of my life in different ways, showing up and being what everybody else wanted me to be. This is me. This is just who I am, and so now I'm at the place to where I just want to be 100% who I am the good, the bad and the ugly. I've got stories after stories, I realized, when I really began to think about my life, of areas to where I've just not shown up fully, just partially, I've just felt judged, I've felt disconnected. Showing up fully, just partially, I've just felt judged, I've felt disconnected. I've overcompensated, trying to fix things that I really can't fix.
Esther Graham:I'm on this journey right now of rediscovering Esther once again.
Esther Graham:I've discovered her in different parts of my life. You know how you have different sections. Sometimes we compartmentalize our lives, you know, and so I've got different sections and I've discovered or rediscovered different sections. I think I'm at the place right now where I'm just ready to rediscover all of it and bring it all together the good, the bad and the ugly, and just face it and deal with it and talk about it and live my life the way I was created to live in the first place and that felt really good saying that, yeah, I'm ready to embrace the parts that have caused me to cry in my secret, closet to where I would just go away and I would cry and I would wipe my eyes and wipe my tears, like probably many of you have, and I would get up and I would show up.
Esther Graham:I'm ready to say this is not me and this is me now. I'm ready to have those hard conversations. I'm ready to say I'm sorry for the things I've never said I'm sorry for. I need to start with myself and say, esther, you did yourself a disservice. I'm ready to embrace me. This is me.
Welcome:Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically. Faith unmuted has allowed us once again to ask ourselves the kind of questions that will help us get to the next level and live this life unapologetically. Your next step head on over to wwwesthergramcom and let me know what your favorite episode is Ask a question or share this with a friend. I can't wait to be with you next week as we dive deeper into redefining what it means to be a Christian woman and redefining what it means to live in our truth.