Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
This is the place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel.
The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Esther Graham has being in ministry all her life and has felt silenced from all the labels and responsibilities that come from being a pastor's daughter to the unexpected role of being a pastor's wife. This journey has not been easy nor has it been just. Esther no longer wants to hid nor lower her voice.
On this podcast, Esther shares what happens when you use your voice and shares the stories of overcoming the stereotypes and living unapologetically.
Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
The Courage to Be Me: Defying Norms and Living Authentically
What does it truly mean to be "free to be me"?
Join me in this episode of Faith Unmuted as we confront this profound question head-on. Through my own personal journey and the unique challenges of raising children in a multicultural society, we uncover the struggles and triumphs of embracing authenticity amidst societal pressures.
You’ll hear honest reflections on the impact of living openly on relationships, including the intricate layers it brings to a marriage. By sharing these heartfelt stories, I highlight the importance of overcoming self-imposed limitations and embracing our true selves fully.
I delve into the compelling story of a pastor's wife who courageously defies societal and religious norms, asserting her right to self-expression. Her narrative becomes even more moving as she supports her youngest son after he comes out as gay, navigating the emotional and societal waves that follow.
This episode isn't just about one family's journey; it's about the universal quest for true freedom—living authentically and with integrity to one's beliefs and loved ones.
As we continue to live unapologetically, I invite you to reflect on your own experiences and join our conversation at www.esthergraham.com.
You are listening to Faith Unmuted. The place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel. The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Speaker 2:Free to be me.
Speaker 2:What does that actually mean for me? It means it means so much because I've always been on this journey of wanting to be free to just be Esther. And you know, I always would say to my children or in conversations, when someone is all over the place or they're doing, you know, like they're, they're, they're in confusion and you can kind of see in one minute they're this way, another minute they're that, or one minute they're this person, another minute they're another person. I'd always say it's because they don't know who they really are, who God created them to be. And I think that was me as not. I think I know, you know that was me as well.
Speaker 2:You know, with with my kids growing up, um, or especially um, my youngest son, our youngest son, was, you know, um, always kind of struggling to be who he is. And you know, and in the environment we grew up in a very multicultural environment, you know they grew up in Europe part of their lives and then, of course, come into the United States and then, you know, people would tease him and say, oh, you're not like this and you're not like this, you're this and you're that, and I remember that's what used to happen to me too, and even with our other two kids, our daughter, you know, they would tell her once again you know, oh, you're just like a white girl, you dress white. And I remember one day her coming home and saying what does that mean? What is dressing white, mom? I remember our youngest son coming home and saying I was just told by a white guy that I'm whiter than him and he's white. He said, mom, what does that mean? And our eldest son, he was so determined not to be labeled as that that he went the total opposite way. And I like to say that all of his friends were just, you know what's the word I'm looking for. That would sound kind of good, I guess, on the thuggish way. You know what I mean, right? And so I would always say he's very multicultural, because you know all of his friends. They were kind of you know, in that for my words, the thuggish kind of way, but they were all from different backgrounds. You know Latinos, you know white, black, asian, they were everybody. So it was kind of funny and I I would always look at them and I would say, yeah, you know, they have to discover who they are. But that was me as well, really embracing who I am.
Speaker 2:And so I remember, um, my husband and I went to our church leadership and conference and I remember the bishop's wife did a message free to be me. And I tuned all the way in to that message because that was something that I always spoke about but I always couldn't figure out. How could I really be free to be who I am, free to be me, what does that really mean for me? And I know that. You know, there's a scripture that I absolutely love that says where God is, there's liberty, there's freedom. And since God lives inside of me, then I should be able to be me, but I wasn't.
Speaker 2:And so that day, sitting in that leadership conference, I heard that message and I got the video and the audio and I would listen to it just quietly by myself, when no one was home or in my car. I would listen to it by myself about what does it mean to be free? And for me, being free is living out what I believe in, what I feel, what I know to be true for me, and what I discovered is that it's a lot harder, it's a lot easier to say it than to actually, you know, do it. What does freedom look like? Freedom for me means being able to say what I think. It's being free to live out what I believe fully. What freedom is not? It's not putting yourself in a box which I believe I did for a while and never going outside of the box. Now listen to hear what I'm saying, because in my mind y'all, I was thinking that I was being free, I was living free, and when the realization came, it was like, oh God, I'm not living free, I'm not living authentically, I'm pretending to be someone that I'm not. And when I get to the place that, where I'm, I feel as if I'm living free, I pull it back because I say, oh, maybe this is too free. Have you ever thought that? Oh, this is. You know, maybe I shouldn't say that this is just. This is just being free to not being free or being too free.
Speaker 2:It was like with my husband. I felt as if there were certain parameters that I wouldn't let him go pass, because I couldn't be free. I really couldn't be the wife that he needed me or wanted me to be, because I wouldn't let myself be free, because I wouldn't let myself be free, even in our intimate moments, I wouldn't let myself be completely free, and that hurt my marriage. It hurt my marriage because I couldn't be free. There were things parts of me that I just wouldn't let loose. I wouldn't release it, and so I think because of that my marriage suffered.
Speaker 2:I would speak what I thought you wanted me to say, and then I found that if I did really speak what I really thought or did what I really thought or acted how I really wanted to act, let's say, then I would feel so convicted, like, oh, you're wrong. And sometimes that conviction came really from myself because it's like, oh, should I be doing this? Should I not be doing this? You know I grew up in a very protected environment. You know there are some things that we just didn't talk about in my home and so those things that we did not talk about, you know, things like sex and and making love and in life and just just some life things, can I just be honest? We just didn't talk about it, and so I had to kind of learn on my own Not a good thing sometimes.
Speaker 2:So after I heard that message, I began to take steps and really began to look at what does it mean for Esther to be free. And what I found out was that I myself didn't know what I wanted to be free. What does it really look like for me? What does freedom feel like for me? And I'm going to say it's like. Within the past 10 years and walking on all of this, I'm discovering what freedom maybe looks like like dressing the way I want to dress, which for some people may be okay. Well, that's simple, but that was important for me.
Speaker 2:Freedom for me is, even if you tell me that I'm a pastor's wife and this is how I need to dress and this is what I need to say and this is what I need to speak, it Pastor's wives don't do this and they don't do that. Freedom for me is saying that's fine for you, but that doesn't work for me, that if I want to wear this, this is exactly what I'm going to wear. If I want my shirt low, that's how I'm going to wear it. If I want to show my legs, I want to show my arms. Whatever I want to do, that's what I'm going to do it and as long as I'm good with it and my husband's good with it, it should be good for everybody else. That's freedom.
Speaker 2:Freedom for me is being able to say I don't agree with you. That's not what my belief system is. Freedom for me is not having to show up one way to please you and then, behind closed doors, I can be me. That's not freedom for me. See, I was always taught. My mother, especially, instilled this Esther, you have to be careful, don't forget you represent, and all that's fine and good until you can't represent anymore. Because no matter how you try to show up and represent and hold, somebody's going to find something to criticize you, to cut you down, to say something about you, and then that's just going to for me. It just sent me the opposite direction. Something about you, and then that's just going to for me. It just sent me the opposite direction.
Speaker 2:Freedom was when we returned back to Guyana with my parents. I did, but it was just me, my mom and my dad and I had on this dress, and the dress was just had a little flare, but it was really no sleeves. And one of the ladies said to me Esther, we're trying to get our Christian young ladies to wear dresses with sleeves. Now we're in Guyana as hot as I don't know what right. And I looked at her and I said well, number one this has a little sleeve on it. And number two who told you I was a Christian? This has a little sleeve on it. And number two who told you I was a Christian? Needless to say, my father could have just fell through. If the floor could have opened up, he would have fell through it. That's freedom.
Speaker 2:But when I spoke that, of course I'm disrespectful, I'm this and I'm all these different things. Freedom is not allowing you to put what your belief system is on me, what you believe that God says. Let me hear what God says for me. Let me live out what I know. Let me true to my God, because if he accepts me just the way I am, why can't you accept me just the way I am? Why do I have to pretend and perform for you? That's not freedom. Freedom is accepting my son's life decisions. When everyone else says don't accept it. When others say you're compromising, freedom is saying that's not what I believe. I'm not compromising.
Speaker 2:See, what a lot of people don't know, and yet many people do know, is that our youngest son came out maybe about two, three years ago as gay. One of the hardest days of my life I remember when he sent us an email telling us. I barely opened the email, it was on Good Friday and I fell to the floor screaming. My husband ran across the room. He said what's wrong? What's wrong? And I said read that. And he just got really quiet and I screamed. I was angry with God. I said how could you? I've said this, I did this and I just went through the list the list and I wouldn't be telling you the truth if I didn't tell you.
Speaker 2:I struggled for a while. I called my mom. I didn't know what my family was going to think. I didn't know how they were going to feel. I just didn't know. And I wasn't even so concerned so much about my family, like his brothers and sisters, you know. But I was so concerned about the outside, my extended family. And then what was the community going to say? What was the church going to say? What was all of these different things, free to be me, free to be me. And there were so many things that came up Criticism from the people who are supposed to love you, the people who say I love you, I love God. Those people were the ones that criticized and talked about my child Freedom.
Speaker 2:I remember, you know, I called our daughter and she was in Antigua at the time. She was going to med school and we flew down there right after Easter Sunday so I could just get away and so we could see what was going on with her. Because, you know, he sent the whole family. We wanted to make sure that she was okay and so as a family, we had to come together by ourselves and heal. It was for a little bit my son and I didn't even talk. We didn't. And then one day he made a phone call to me.
Speaker 2:I remember the night before Jonathan and I were talking and my husband said you know, my son, our son, has been on our mind, on his mind. I said mine too, and he said I'm flying out to see him, I'm going to leave tomorrow. And I said okay, but before he was able to do that, that early morning he called our son, called I'm just going to call him Jay. And he called and he said mom, and I said yeah. He said can I come home? My son asked if he can come home. I thought at the time two things. He shouldn't have had to ask if he could come home because that's his home. Then the other thing I thought, and I said it, I said this is your home, you can always come home. And he was coming home for one week but he ended up staying, I think, two months. But when he came home it healed our relationship and we talked in detail about everything. He was hurt because he broke up in a relationship and he didn't know how to heal. He didn't know how to talk and the only place he could come back to was home, his mother and his father, his mother and his father, his safe space. When I think about that, I think about, suppose I was just so stuck in what everybody else was saying that I said no, you can't come home because this, this, that, suppose I didn't show him love, right?
Speaker 2:See, there's many of us out there that we're not really living in freedom, we're not really free to be ourselves, because when our children make decisions that the world may reject, then we tend to reject as well, because we don't want it to look a certain way. At least that's how I see it. You know, we don't want the judgment. We don't want people to say, well, that, at least, that's that's how I see it, you know we don't. We don't want the judgment. We don't want people to say, well, that's so-and-so, son, and look, it's kind of like the president of United States. Their kids can't do anything. As if they're not human beings and if as if they don't get to make their own decisions and live their own lives.
Speaker 2:What I learned through all of this, as free to be me, is allowing not just myself to live my life in freedom, but allowing him to live his as well. He came home and we had so many different talks. I talked about what was difficult for me, he talked about what was difficult for him, and just a couple months ago really a couple, a few weeks ago he talked about what was difficult for him. And just a couple months ago really a couple, a few weeks ago, for the first time, he attended my retreat and one of the things that he said we did something called the integrity contract and how do you break it. And one of the things that he said in front of everyone at that retreat and in front of me and his father. He said I broke the integrity contract In the way that I came out. Said I wasn't sure how to do it so I wrote it in an email when I should have spoke to them. I should have did it a different way. Said it's always bothered me.
Speaker 2:Free to be me means that even in the worst moments, you can say what you have to say. In the worst moments, you can say what you have to say and you can feel comfortable with it. Free to be me means exactly who my son is. That's exactly who I accept him to be, because when I put restraints on him, then I put it on myself and I put it on everyone else. When I can be free, when I could show up, and now that I'm doing it more and more every day, y'all, my marriage is better. The intimacy between my spouse and I and maybe this is TMI, I don't know it is awesome. The relationship with my children is great, and where there are challenges, I can work through it.
Speaker 2:Free to be me doesn't mean that you're living a perfect life. It just means that you're living an authentic life. That's what it means for me that I just have to be who I am. I can't pretend anymore, and if you want me to pretend, then I can't even be around you, not even for five minutes, and you'll find that if I am around you, I will be there for as long as I need to be, and then I'm gone, the exit. I take the exit Because I'm just at a place in my life that you just have to accept me for who I am. That's my freedom the good, the bad and the ugly. Being free means that I'm going to live in alignment with God. I'm going to live in alignment with me. I'm going to live in alignment with what I believe and how I'm moving forward and the purpose I have in this world to do. That's what it means. It means that I'm going to speak up when I need to speak up and when it's time to speak up, and I'm not going to be silent, because sometimes your silence means that you agree Free to be me means that, no matter how much you may judge me, how much you may want to stay away from me and you don't, that's fine because everybody's in choice I'm choosing to be free.
Speaker 2:I'm choosing to live my life in freedom. I'm choosing that when I want to grab my glass of wine, I'm going to grab my glass of wine and sometimes, to be truthful, I drink a whole bottle. I like to say it's me and Jesus the wine, and sometimes coffee. That's freedom, because at the end of the day, god really knows who I am, and so that's one person I can't fake the funk with. That's him, and for me, that's who I don't want to fake with. So if he already knows, then I could be who I am all the time. I've made a decision, y'all. I made a decision y'all that I'm just going to be free, and the moment that I feel that I'm not being free. I stop and I retract and I have to go reassess because I refuse to live my life in the fakeness of this world. I'm free to be me.
Speaker 1:Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically. Faith unmuted has allowed us once again to ask ourselves the kind of questions that will help us get to the next level and live this life unapologetically. Your next step head on over to wwwesthergramcom and let me know what your favorite episode is Ask a question or share this with a friend. I can't wait to be with you next week as we dive deeper into redefining what it means to be a Christian woman and redefining what it means to live in our truth.