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Jalal Wilson: Trial & Error
Navigating the joys and challenges of blended family life through honest conversations, personal stories, and unfiltered insights.
Jalal Wilson: Trial & Error
Respectful Stepparenting: Adding Value Without Replacing
Have you ever wondered why blending a family can sometimes feel like mixing oil and water? Join us on Blended Families Unblended Insights as we dissect a recent disagreement with my wife to illustrate the complex dynamics of parenting in a blended family. We use a whiteboard to map out the intricate relationships and common pitfalls, such as the mistake of newcomers trying to take charge and inadvertently dismissing the other parent. By understanding these dynamics and maintaining effort even after establishing relationships, we can create a harmonious family environment.
Being a stepparent doesn't mean replacing someone in a child's life; it means adding value as a bonus. We'll explore how to engage respectfully and learn from the child and the other parent to foster a positive atmosphere for growth and development. The key lies in maintaining a strong relationship with your partner through consistent support and commitment. We'll wrap up by emphasizing the importance of respecting existing family systems while contributing positively to them. Tune in to discover more on how to navigate and improve your blended family dynamics, and remember to stay blessed until next time!
Hey, what's going on, and welcome to the channel. You know who I am, jelal Wilson with Blended Families Unblended Insights. Today I even pulled out the whiteboard because I want to make sure you guys grasp this concept today. So I want to tell you a little story. Over the weekend, me and my wife had a disagreement, and we had a disagreement about. I don't even know what the disagreement exactly stemmed from, but basically, in some course of the conversation, we got on parenting and once we got on parenting, it was just like you know what, this conversation is just going nowhere. But we went nowhere with it. You see what I'm saying. So today, after this conversation, I decided you know what, what led to this? I like to dissect these disagreements and figure out what led to this. And when I thought about it and I didn't have to think about it very long it was clear what led to this and what led to this disagreement was I forgot something. I forgot something very important that I think a lot of parents and blended families forget, and today I'm going to show you on this beautiful little whiteboard what I forgot, so that you can avoid the disagreement I had over the weekend, and I'm going to tell you at the end why you're less likely to do what I'm going to show you, because I will tell you at the end, all right, but it makes sense once I tell you at the end, because we're human and I'm going to show you, all right. So the first thing we have to think about in a blended family is what is it? And then this was, this was something I had to think about today, because, I mean, after the, the disagreement, because I think sometimes we forget here is a blended family. There is you, the person, this is you the person coming into this blended family. Here you are, my nice little stick figure drawing and this is what already exists. There's a triangle that already exists. Here we have the child. Here we have your spouse or partner here. Spouse oh, I don't even know how to spell today We'll do spouse, u-s-e or partner Okay, spouse, yes, that is correct, that's just check, all right. And over here we have the other parent. Okay, all right. So this is plus. And now we have you. I mean we have the other parent. Here we are Plus your triangle, and this is assuming you have children or a child and maybe that child's in the house. That part doesn't really matter the other parent and spouse Okay, all right. Spouse, okay, all right. Partner. And here at the bottom we have outcome. Now this, okay. So this plus this plus this equals the outcome you're going to get. Okay, how you manage these things equals outcome, all right. So let's talk about this Now.
Jalal:In a blended family, what generally happens well, what happens a lot is that this person coming in is very happy to be there, like I mean, yeah, we're about to be this blended family, this is perfect. But what happens is in this situation is they don't understand exactly, and I know I didn't understand. I came into my blended family wanting to be the, the boss. There is another word for it, but I'm actually not going to say it on here, but let's just say the boss, because here I am, I want to come in and show you know, I'm going to help my woman get this ship righted and everything like that Right. I'm going to come in here and just, you know, help out, you know, help get the ship right, because I want to see all children successful and all of that type stuff Right.
Jalal:Ok, so that's how a lot of us come in, thinking that, and then we see things that we want to change about what the kids got going on.
Jalal:And then the other partner it's like I mean the other parent were like man, this guy or this girl, yeah, get them.
Jalal:Who cares about them? You know what I'm saying. I'm here now. I'm not trying to take their place, but really I don't really care for them too much, or whatever the case may be, because we've heard the stories that our partner has said about this person, or maybe we had an interaction or something of that nature with this person. So we've got this taste in our mouth that, you know, we just forget that person, basically. Okay, and so that's. That's kind of how we maneuver. Now imagine so this is what we say forget this person. Yeah, that's what we're saying now. We're saying so our first thing is we want to come in and be the boss, and then we want to also say forget this person and whatever the case may be, because we done heard the stories. They're a very bad person or whatever the case may be, all right.
Jalal:And then we got our partner and our thought process is hey, we got them, so now we can relax. And if you're listening to this in podcast land, I do apologize because you can't see the visuals, but basically what I'm saying is I drew a triangle and child was on the left and the other parent is on the right and at the bottom, basically the border of it, is your partner, okay, and so this, this person, so this is, we'll just say, me. I'm saying, basically, I got my woman, I got my wife. You know, the hard work is already done. I can relax now. That is my input, right, this is how we. I'm like I can relax, I don't gotta do dates. Oh, you know, none of that stuff. I'm already in there, I'm already the guy.
Jalal:So then we go over and here is your partner yeah, you're a partner, and she has your children. She's thinking like, maybe, if your children are at home, well, uh, not really, uh, concerned, maybe, that's, you know, just being truthful, they're not in the home, you know, not really a concern, just focused on her children, her children, okay, and but you know, when your kids come over, she'll be cool with it, as long as they, you know, they don't stay too long. And we're just, we're just being real on how this goes sometimes. Okay, okay, for a short while, okay, all right. And the other parent oh, she don't like her. Why? Because she's the new queen, so she don't want to hear about the old queen, she don't care nothing about the old queen. All right, so this is just, this is whatever, right, she uh, or maybe again she heard some things about her. You know, whatever, we'll go with either scenario, ok.
Jalal:And then there's you. She got you and she's thinking, ah, I could just relax and do the things that I don't have to do, all the things that I got to get you, because I got you now, gotcha, so she relaxes, all right. And now what's the outcome going to be? If I'm coming in here trying to be the boss, which is, we'll just say, a negative right off the top, I've also got a negative view of the other person, the other parent, off the top, and I'm also taking my foot off the gas with my partner off the top. That's three negatives. And then, if you know she has a certain view of my children, or she has a certain view of your children, well, that's a negative because they're your children and you're like, wait a minute, that minute, this is my kids too. I know I'm in the house with yours, but you know that's a negative. If she doesn't like the other parent. This could be a negative because it might cause problems for you. So that's a negative. And if she's like, oh, I got him now, I don't got to wear that little thang at night, well, I don't got to do that, that's going to definitely be a problem for you, ok, so this leads to an outcome that no one wants and it feeds into the reason why 60 to 65 percent of blended families don't last.
Jalal:Because we get in here and we start doing these things that are are going to impact our situations negatively, and the reason we do this is because sometimes we don't really know a better way and we don't look at things like systems. This, right here, is okay, let let's go erase. Let's erase this now so I can show you All right, we're just going to erase the negative stuff, all right, we're just going to erase good old negative. We'll get all this negativity out of here, all right. So we got the negativity out of there, and now I'm going to show you something the child or children, if there's more than one child in the family that you're coming into, plus the other partner and your spouse. This is a system. This system was in place before you got there, so it is a system. This system was in place before you got there. So it is a system. So you need to respect this system. And I know what you're thinking like oh, I don't want to respect the system because you know it might say something about me. But we're going to talk about this and I'm going to show you how respecting the system actually helps you, not hurts you. Okay, let's jump into this Now. Let's just take this same situation. We've already seen it as a negative outcome.
Jalal:What if my view was a little different? And my view, coming into this is with the child. I am here for this child, not to replace. I'm not here to replace this person. I am here to be a bonus, an addition, not a subtraction. I'm here to just add value to this child's life and to figure out how I'm going to add value. I just got to, you know. I'm just going to look, learn and learn about the child and different and different things like that I'm going to figure out by watching them, you know, interacting with them on how to add value, because that is my only job really to have fun and add value. Have fun, add value. Why? Because I am a bonus to the situation. So I want to be the hard work was already done, creating a child, all those things and I didn't have any part in creating this child. I wasn't, I'm not, neither of these parents, so anything I'm adding to is a bonus.
Jalal:And if I see it like that, then I can enjoy making memories, I can enjoy collecting stories and I can enjoy the journey of learning about this child and watching them go through different stages right, and I can do all this without having the expectation that they're going to give me something in return. But something that they're going to give me is that I get I don't need them to give me something, because I get the memories, I get the stories and I get to watch their journey. Okay, so how many, how, how better, how much better would things be if we all took that view on what our role is. Our bonus, us bonus, parents. If we all took that step, parents, if we all took that view that we are here to be an addition and we don't have to come in here trying to change everything. We're here to be an addition and we don't have to come in here trying to change everything. We're here to be an addition, right? How much different. Would that make things? Okay? Now with the other parent.
Jalal:My only responsibility with this other parent is to observe, observe. And the reason why I want to observe is because I just want to understand where they're at. You know, I can look, pay attention to the things they're saying, doing, whatever the case may be, because if I can understand where they where, where they're at, then I know how to move. Not not necessarily I don't have to focus on I know how to move, and maybe in that and that may be in some seasons, that may be having no communication with this person and just letting, uh, my, my, my wife deal with this person, because maybe they're in a season where they're still, uh, bitter about the situation, or they're in a season where they're still bitter about the situation, or they're in a season where they're just, like, you know, don't like me.
Jalal:For whatever the reason, I don't have to engage here. If I cannot add value here, I do not engage here. So that's why I need to observe where this person is at before I decide what I want to do, because, no matter what, I'm here to be in addition and sometimes that addition is just by observing, I mean the way I could be in addition, is by observing and respecting where this person's at. I'm not trying to change them. I'm not trying to make them love me. I'm not trying to do any of that. I don't need to make them love me. I'm not trying to do any of that. I don't need to, because I respect the fact that they were part of this triangle before I got here.
Jalal:Okay, so now, with my, my partner, my wife, if I'm still taking her out on dates and I'm showing her that I'm here to, uh, you know, add value to her child's life too, right. And I'm respecting the fact that this is the other parent and I'm not I'm not trying to be the other parent. I'm respecting this triangle, even if she didn't ask me to, right. And when she sees that and actually you know what, I'll take that back. She may not even realize that I'm doing all these things that you know.
Jalal:People life, I get it. You know we don't always be like, oh yeah, thank you so much for doing all these things. You know, people life, I get it. You know we don't always be like, oh yeah, thank you so much for doing all the things that you know are necessary, right, but what I get from doing this is growth, proving to myself that I can show up for somebody else. Once I've made a commitment and a decision to be there for them, I can keep showing up, whether in some seasons they're giving me my cookies or not. This is the commitment I made, so I will keep showing up.
Jalal:Now, what if she also had the same exact mentality? Right? I'm not going to rewrite it again because I don't want to. But if she had the same exact mentality? Right? I'm not going to rewrite it again because I don't want to, but she had the same exact mentality. She's here for stories, memories, and she gets to watch the stages, the stages that the children go through. Um, it would have for for me, for the, for you as the other parent, that will bring you so much joy that your person, your spouse, understands exactly where you are and where you're at. And they're doing their best to add value, even if it's only on the weekends, to your child's life or if your child comes to live with you. Whatever, they add value there too, right, because they understand that there are a bonus to this situation and it would be better for them to add instead of subtract, right, and then with your other parent, they observe.
Jalal:They're just like, okay, you know, in this season if she's chirping, you handle that. You worry about that because you know what. I'm not about to give her the energy to think she can come in here and I mean she can make me step out of character and be somebody. I'm not right, I'm going to let you handle that in this season. But the only way she can do that is she's willing to observe. Just observe where this person is at and understand for both of these people. They may be going through regret, loneliness from not having their child there, anger, resentment they could be at any of those stages. But the only way you'll know that is if you observe. And so when you observe and you see that that's where they're at, you don't have to try to compound that. You have respect for that because we all go through in different areas of our life, go through those type of seasons.
Jalal:So it was just having compassion for somebody else. When you know part of you wants to, you know might want to be the step on their throat, you just have compassion instead. Now for your partner. Same thing with her. She remembers hey, I still need to pour into this man, like I did to get him, because I want him to know that, even though we're together, I still believe he has value and I still want to recognize that in the way I treat him and show up for him. And what would be the outcome of that? The outcome is, you know, it may not be easy, but it's definitely going to be a benefit to everybody involved. But it's definitely going to be a benefit to everybody involved and it's going to be something that gives us a foundation to build up on Right Now. I told you, I would tell you at the end why we don't do this. Because the reason why we don't do this it is naturally easier for us to lean into drama. Why? Because drama creates stories too and it takes a lot less effort.
Jalal:I was thinking about with my situation with my wife this weekend. I had something I was supposed to be working on and she had something she was supposed to be working on too, and instead of us doing that work the work we were actually supposed to be doing we did the easy work. The easy. It's easy to argue, it's easy to judge someone else, someone else. It's also easy to.
Jalal:Basically, I think the word is just do things, to do anything that will distract you from what you were supposed to do. That's how that's how we are wired as humans. We want to avoid doing the hard thing, so we look for things that are not hard I mean things to distract us from doing that hard thing, and for me, it was just. It was all of this this weekend. I didn't. I knew what I was supposed to do, and yet this is what I chose to do, because it was easier, and that's why, a lot of times, you'll be in these positions where you could look past somebody's behavior, but you won't, because it will allow you the excuse you need to not go do the hard thing you're supposed to be doing in that moment. Maybe that's working on yourself, or maybe that's this you know a project you're supposed to be working on, or a diet or a meditation, or whatever the case may be.
Jalal:You avoid doing the work because it's easier to do this and honestly, I know for me it tells a better story. Who wants to say, yeah, I went home and I did everything I was supposed to do and blah, blah, blah. But I remember some of the best stories in my life were stories where I created drama that sounds messed up, but you know, drama is intriguing to people, you know. So that's why we do that as humans. I hope this was helpful for you, because I really want to see that number drop way down.
Jalal:We can do blended families better, but we have to start by understanding that there was a system in place and we need to respect that system and add value to the system instead of detracting from it. And just because you got him or her doesn't mean you get to take your foot off the gas if you want it to last. That was a bar. All right, it's July, wilson Wilson. Hey, if you haven't checked out my last video on three things that every stepfather should know, something to that nature, check it out now. All right, until next time, be blessed, I'm going.