Jalal Wilson: Trial & Error

Between Two Families: The Stepdad’s Dilemma

• Jalal Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 5

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In this episode, I tackle the tough reality of being a stepfather in a blended family while dealing with the estrangement from my own biological kids. It's a challenging position—trying to be present for your partner’s children while feeling the weight of distance from your own. This episode is about navigating that “Stepdad’s Dilemma” and finding a way to balance these roles without losing yourself in the process.

I’ll walk you through accepting your current situation, learning to forgive yourself, and focusing on growth. We’ll also discuss why it’s crucial to be open to reconciliation, but without letting guilt or shame dictate your actions. If you’re dealing with the complexities of blended family life, this episode is for you. Let’s break down the walls and find some clarity together.

Jalal Wilson:

I have been thinking about this topic a lot as a stepfather in a blended family. Now I have two older children who do not live in the home, and I also have two younger children who live in our home, plus three of my wife's children that live in our home and sometimes this has came up for me that live in our home, and sometimes this has came up for me, and I think the best way to label this is I'm going to call this episode Between Two Families the Stepdad Dilemma. And what is the stepdad dilemma? The stepdad dilemma is sometimes when we feel as though we are being present and available to our spouses or our partners' kids, while not having a relationship with our own biological kids for whatever reason. That is what I call the stepfather's dilemma, because it creates a dilemma within us, and this is something that I experienced. I remember one day I was dancing with my stepdaughter and we were having a good old time, and then, in a moment time, and then I, in a moment, I started to feel sad because I remembered when I used to do that same thing with my daughter. I remember us having a good time, but then I also remember now, where we're not, our relationship isn't exactly where I want it to be. And so there goes that tug of war I felt on the inside when thinking about that. Now you as a father, now stepping up to be a stepfather a role of something I commend you for you may be having the same feelings, the same thoughts, thinking to yourself well, man, I'm showing up for her kids, but I'm not in a position. I don't have the type of relationship I want with my own kids. How do you rectify this in your mind? And I've definitely thought about that, and today I want to offer some things that help me, and I hope they can do the same for you. So, without further ado, I'm going to get into.

Jalal Wilson:

The first one Is I had to accept my current reality. My current reality, my current reality, was that I am now married. I am in a blended family. There are children in this home who need me. I do not currently have the type of relationship I want with my two older children. That is the reality, and that accepting my current reality is the first step to being able to heal and move forward, because I'm not acting like there is something going on that I am not aware of, I'm solely acknowledging. This is where I'm at and this is how it feels and it affects how I show up, and when it affects how I show up, I'm not showing up as my best because I got one foot in the present and one foot in my other situation. I can't even fully enjoy the moment because I'm thinking about some things that I might have done, like what could I have done in the past to lead to where we are now. But once you accept that you're able to be fully in the present, acknowledge this is where you're at in the present, and then decide the next step, the the next thing, the next part of this process is you have to forgive yourself, because us parents are.

Jalal Wilson:

I'm reminded of something that eddie murphy said to his daughter in the girl playing his daughter in belio's cops 4. He said I've only been a parent as long as you've been a child. So along this journey, I'm just like you. You're learning to be a child, I'm learning to be a parent, and sometimes and a lot of times, we don't know exactly what we're doing. But the beauty of it is that we, hopefully, are growing as a person, as a parent, and so how you? The way that child might have thought about you or thinks about you now is not reflective on who you may be now. It's reflective on what they remember about you and you have to forgive yourself for that version of you that no longer exists. Maybe you weren't the most attentive parent back then, or maybe you didn't handle, maybe you didn't show up when you were supposed to, maybe you didn't do certain things. There is no. There's nothing gained by you still holding on to that version of you. Nothing, it's just you. It's just your way of it was and it was my way of just holding on to, because if I can feel this pain, then it allows me to not be able to fully engage in the moment. It's almost like I'm keeping myself in check by making sure I still carry this pain, and that's not what we want to do.

Jalal Wilson:

The third step in this process that we all have to go to is you got to change and grow, baby. We are evolving. We do best when we are evolving, and how we evolve is by just looking. Okay, this is where I'm at, this is what I've done, this is what has not served me, and figuring out how to grow and make better decisions and evolve as a person, not only as a stepfather, not only as a father, but just as a as a person and when we change and evolve. It gives us not only the opportunity to take care of the current relationship as far as managing our interactions with the children that we have in, but it also paves the way for potential reconciliation. And that cannot be possible if we're not committed to changing and growing.

Jalal Wilson:

If you're the same version of yourself that your child is not, is, is is, you know in conflict with, then how can you, how can you, how can you open yourself up and pave that way for reconciliation if you're not changing and growing? And the the next point here is you got to be open to it. I know one of the things that, for me, is I know once I started doing this work I am open to reconciliation, but I also know that I can. I'm not going to pressure the situation. I am here, I am unavailable and I do interact, I do reach out, but I don't put pressure on it, because I know that me applying pressure isn't going to make somebody else do something they don't want to do. But I am available and I will be receptive.

Jalal Wilson:

But when I'm doing these things, I'm also making sure I'm not doing it from a place of guilt and shame, because then, when you do things from a place of guilt and shame, think about your life. I think about my life. There has never been a time that I have done something from a place of guilt and shame that did not, at some point, bring me pain. Hey, that's a bar. There is no point in time that I've ever done something out of guilt and shame that did not eventually bring me pain. It may have started out as pleasure, but it soon turned into pain. This is no difference.

Jalal Wilson:

If you are making your decisions, even with the children in the home, based off shame and guilt of what you got wrong when you was a different person, you're going to allow things to go on that you know isn't right. You're not going to be able to parent from a place of love or responsibility or even positive intention. Why? Because you're still weighted down by guilt and shame. I remember I had a situation with one of my children that you know one of the ones I don't have the relationship I would like with and they asked me to do something. And part of me, all of me I'm not going to say part of me, all of me, wanted to do it, but I did not feel like it was the right thing to do, because doing it, I would have only been doing it out of guilt and shame, I wouldn't have been doing it because I believed in it. I would have only been doing it from that place. And then, if I do something from that, I'm setting them up to show that this is how you can interact with me, this is how you can be with me. These are the things that you can do and the ways you can behave, the ways you can with me, and that would have been sending the wrong message Because, as I said, I am available, but I'm also not coming at this from a place of shame or guilt. I acknowledge what I've gotten wrong. I'm available to apologize for anything that you believe I got wrong, but I'm not going to operate out of shame and guilt, and I want you to think about that too Now.

Jalal Wilson:

I believe that there will come a time where you'll be able to repair that relationship, but you got to be ready when that time comes. And how do you get ready? By letting go of that shame, by letting go of that guilt, by growing, by changing, growing by forgiving yourself and by accepting the current reality, not wishing things to be something they're not. Accept them as they are, so that you can go into that reconciliation with your eyes wide open. And I believe life is seasons.

Jalal Wilson:

Maybe your relationship isn't where you want it in this season, isn't where you want it in this season, but we're just getting started, baby. This is, life is seasons. So don't give up, not only on yourself, but on your child too. This is just where they're at right now. Okay, this is where they're at right now. As they say in the game in football, there's four quarters. You may just be in quarter number one and, yeah, it's rough, but don't give up. Don't give up on yourself and definitely be present for the children you have been charged with in this season, all right, have been charged with in this season, all right. Now, let me know, you know, did this resonate with you? Did you? Did you feel this? Is this something that you're struggling with? Or am I on an island myself and I was the only one going through this? Let me know, all right.