Aging with Purpose and Passion

ADHD, Authenticity, and Connection: Building Better Relationships with Dawn Smith

• Beverley Glazer • Episode 119

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In this episode of Aging with Purpose and Passion, host Beverley Glazer welcomes Dawn Smith, a relationship and career transition coach who has embraced her ADHD and non-conformity to inspire others. Dawn shares her personal journey from feeling like a misfit to finding her purpose as a mentor and coach. This insightful conversation reveals how embracing authenticity can lead to deeper connections and more meaningful relationships.

Dawn offers practical communication strategies, including the concept of "spaghetti" vs. "waffle" thinking styles, to help partners better understand each other. She also challenges common relationship myths, such as the advice to "never go to bed angry," and explores how collaboration, rather than compromise, can lead to mutual fulfillment.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

  • How ADHD can be a source of strength in relationships
  • The power of authenticity and embracing your unique traits
  • Understanding different communication styles: “spaghetti” vs. “waffle” thinking
  • Why daily small actions matter more than grand gestures in relationships
  • How to shift from compromise to collaboration for mutual success

Whether you're navigating career transitions, improving relationships, or seeking inspiration to embrace your quirks, this episode is packed with actionable insights to help you thrive. Tune in to discover how you can build better connections and live authentically.

🎧 Listen now and start building relationships rooted in authenticity, purpose and passion!


Resources:

For similar episodes on relationships and self-love, check out Episode 78, and 75 on Aging with Purpose and Passion. And you may also like The Older Women and Friends Podcast, which explores the contributions older women make and the wisdom the share.

Dawn Smith:

Dawn@RelationshipCoachDawn.com

http://www.relationshipcoachdawn.com

https://instagram.com/relationshipcoachdawn

https://www.facebook.com/wholelifedawn

https://www.linkedin.com/in/wholelifesolutions

http://www.wholelifesolutions.biz


Beverley Glazer

Bev@reinventImpossible.com

https://reinventimpossible.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/beverleyglazer/

https://www.facebook.com/beverley.glazer

https://www.facebook.com/groups/womenover50rock

https://www.instagram.com/beverleyglazer_reinvention/

https://calendly.com/reinventimpossible/15min




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Have feedback or want to be a guest on the show? Contact us at info@Reinventimpossible.com

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host. Psychotherapist, coach and empowerment expert, Beverley Glazer.

Beverley Glazer:

Therapist coach and empowerment expert, Beverley Glazer. Have you ever felt that you were a misfit? Have you struggled with life transitions and you felt that you just didn't fit in? Well, welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverley Glazer and I'm a transformational coach and therapist, and I help women achieve the success they know they deserve in their lives and in their careers, and you can find me on reinventimpossiblecom or you can text me in the show notes below. Dawn Smith is a relationship and career transition coach who helps high-stress professionals navigate life transitions. She's a TEDx speaker and the founder of Whole Life Solutions, and she has spent the last decade studying the neuroscience of habits and how men and women are wired to process and communicate differently from each other. If you've ever just thought for one minute that you're just not being heard, this episode will give you actionable insights on building healthier relationships and thriving in all areas of your life, so let's dive right in.

Dawn Smith:

Hi Dawn, hi Beverly, I'm so happy to be here. What a great intro, hi Dawn, hi Beverly, I'm so happy to be here. What a great intro.

Beverley Glazer:

Well, welcome, and you have so much to share for so many couples and not only a couple, I mean just an individual who feels I'm an outsider, I'm a misfit, I just I don't understand it, Like they're not like me and you felt like that. So did you feel like that when you were growing up, when you were in your family, like what happened there?

Dawn Smith:

Dawn yes.

Dawn Smith:

I have always. I've always felt like that and I don't know if you can relate to this part, beverly but like I never wanted to fit in. To me, fitting in and belonging are two very different things. I never felt like I belonged and I wanted to have that sense of belonging. I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel that belonging, but I didn't want to fit in with any of the crowds, right? So there was a part of me that's always kind of, I guess, taken pride in being a misfit and being sort of outside the box. I've always felt that way. I felt that way in my family, in my community, in my school. It wasn't until really pretty recently, maybe about when I around the time I started this, when I started the coaching, I found a coach who took me under his wing and I learned more about my ADHD and my different processing system, and that's when I really learned why I was always felt like I was always looking at things differently.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah, yeah, and because you had ADHD, you did see the world a little bit differently, a hundred percent, and I still have it.

Dawn Smith:

There's a wonderful book called Delivered from Distraction and I think they list off something like 188 sort of characteristics or symptoms so you can kind of see where you might land and see if it resonates and where it falls for you. And I'm yes to 186 out of 188.

Beverley Glazer:

How did that affect your early life and early career?

Dawn Smith:

Oh, it's a good question. So I was, I was bullied as a, as a child, I mean, I really didn't fit in. But my town was so small that we didn't have a high school, and so once I was bussed off to high school I got to kind of reinvent myself and I became friends with everybody that didn't fit into the sort of popular crowd, right, so the drama kids and the kids who went out and smoked, and the nerds and all the kids that didn't quite fit in, and I had so many friends and that was wonderful. And then as soon as I graduated I kind of took off and did a whole variety of different things and discovered myself and moved from city to city and project to project.

Dawn Smith:

My background is in community organizing, nonprofit social justice, mainly through the arts, through different art forms, and I loved it. But it's exhausting, right. You don't put down anchors or get roots. So it really wasn't until when my first son was born. I had a sort of a spiritual awakening and left that work and kind of went to explore a different path where I could still do meaningful work, but that felt more anchored, that felt like something, that that excitement and stimulation was going to come from growing what I'm doing, not from moving place to place Right, and that's that's how I ultimately discovered working with couples and then doing the coaching.

Beverley Glazer:

Right, and you also told me that you never had a traditional job for more than 29 days. Did that affect your self-esteem or you just did not care?

Dawn Smith:

No, I never wanted a nine to five desk job in my life. So, yeah, I yeah that that 29 day one was was working for an assistant to an incredibly difficult boss. So I was determined I think I lasted 30 days, because I remember I was determined to last longer than the previous assistant and I think she was 29. And so I held out to 30. And I think she was 29.

Beverley Glazer:

And so I held out to 30. We're considering your relationship coach.

Dawn Smith:

And how did you discover that that was for you? So that journey I went on, led me to starting my first small business, which was in the wedding world, working with couples, and I loved it so much I realized very early on, maybe three months in, I realized I am waking up every day and I love my work and it still feels meaningful and I'm good at it and I'm starting to make a living at it and I think I want to do this forever. And I thought that's the holy grail of careers and in working with we're there to talk about relationship stuff. But at some point I'm saying what do you do for work, how's work? And I realized how rare it was for people to have that alignment and how much, even though things are changing, how much we're still brought up especially men in our society, are still brought up with this idea that you go to a good school, get a good degree, get a good job with good benefits and, if you like it, you know more power to you. But right, that's kind of secondary and I thought that's not how it should be. And then when people get to a certain age where either they've lost that position or they're realizing they're miserable. The usual MO was well, then go back to school or let's pull out your resume and let's see what kind of entry-level thing we can get you into or where we can nudge you. And I thought that's a terrible way to go about it. Why are we starting from the place of the problem? Or why are we starting from go spend another 30, 40, 50, $60,000 to get an advanced degree when you don't know what you want to do yet? So that's why I really wanted to start.

Dawn Smith:

The coaching is to kind of flip that model and say let's start with what lights you up, what are you interested in what? What are the things that you feel best about yourself when you're engaged in them? And then I'll help you get creative about what that can look like on a practical level as a position. Right, let's get creative on that. And then take some small. This is where the neuroscience comes in. We take tiny, concrete steps towards exploring these new things rather than going oh, that's a cool idea, let me dive down the rabbit hole. And by the end of the day I'm going oh my gosh, what was I thinking? That's way too expensive, that's way too risky. And going back to what you were doing. So these tiny steps to go, maybe what if I did this?

Dawn Smith:

What if I did this? And within a very short period of time. We usually have figured out this, this brand new path.

Beverley Glazer:

But what I'm seeing and hearing is that your creativity has become part of your coaching.

Dawn Smith:

Absolutely. I think it's, it's creative problem solving right. And to me this you bring up a really good point, because to me this ties into the relationship stuff is that they say that something like 80% of what we do every day are habits that we never consciously chose. So how much of our lives are these things that we do just because that's the expectation? Right? Some of it's, I mean even just we get up and we put clothes on, you know. I mean we eat breakfast, we brush our teeth, you know.

Dawn Smith:

Sure, a lot of these are very valuable things to do, but but when it comes to the patterns, the jobs, we choose the partners, we choose what our expectations are about what relationships should look like. A lot of that are things most of us were just brought up with and thought that's the way it's supposed to be. So what I think is really, really important and what I'm so passionate about, is let's disrupt these constructs. That may not work for you, right, everybody's different, but let's at least look at them and say do I believe this? Do I know that this is what matters to me, or was this something I just kind of inherited as a belief?

Beverley Glazer:

Exactly, and what you see is the most common challenges for women. For men, there are five powerful professionals and what happens is they're in a relationship and they just don't communicate with each other. What do you do? How do you put them together? How do you let them see that their thinking is a little bit different? What do you do?

Dawn Smith:

Such a good question. There's so many things. As you mentioned, I recently gave a TED Talk on this general topic of disrupting these outdated relationship myths, and the specific one was why you should never go to bed angry is a myth, and a big part of the sort of content of that that I think is so interesting is that we are wired differently, and even if we're not talking, look, they've done the studies with men and women and for the most part, it has to do with how much gray matter and white matter we have. So, for the most part, women use more of these white matter areas. Men tend to use more of these gray matter areas, but this is not a discussion about gender lines, right? So I want to be really clear that this applies across the board. So, even when working with same-sex couples or non-binary, you're going to generally find that one person operates more one way and one person operates more the other way, and so what that is is that one person tends to, with the white matter, be a great multitasker, draw all sorts of associations, form all sorts of connections and and have what you know shorthand is the spaghetti right. So have all these, all these formations of these stories and concepts and associations with past relationships and other times, and that can be very helpful for being creative and being a multitasker, whereas the gray matter areas tend to be much more localized and that tends the shorthand is the waffle right. So, compartmentalizing one thing at a time, move on to the next thing.

Dawn Smith:

What that looks like is that in communication there's almost always one who wants to talk things out, to kind of unravel all these pieces, and another who's like well, that that's handled, I don't need to talk it out. Even if it was awful, I'm done, I'll deal with it tomorrow, where I've done with it, and doesn't need to talk it out. Um, or just approaches it differently, um, so there's a lot of the sort of stereotypes, like mansplaining there's, you know, there's a lot of things that come from this. Or again, I'm generalizing but men feeling that women are overly dramatic, or making a mountain out of a molehill because internally I'm a spaghetti. I'm forming all these connections that are legitimate connections, but to the other person it might feel like my, my children accuse me of that all the time.

Dawn Smith:

Like you're upset with me at this. How did that turn into this? Like you're upset with me of this. How did that turn into this Like what are all these things that you're bringing in, right? But then to a spaghetti it can feel like a waffle is so cold and disengaged. So one of the first things with couples is when you can recognize your lens, it depersonalizes it right All of a sudden. Recognize your lens, it depersonalizes it right All of a sudden, this person that you thought was giving you a hard time you realize it has nothing to do with that. We just literally are processing differently and often just that is a helpful starting point for being able to engage without feeling so reactive and defensive. I'll pause there, but I have so much to say on this topic.

Beverley Glazer:

No, absolutely you can pause there so that people can just continue to think and process that, because we can all relate to that.

Dawn Smith:

I appreciate that. Do you recognize yourself in one of those? I'm so curious.

Beverley Glazer:

No, I recognize my clients in that, okay, a lot of my clients. Yes, when they're coming to me with couples, they're really on the same page, but the thinking is so much different.

Beverley Glazer:

And the way of expressing is so different and it's almost like, oh, she's, and I'm stereotyping again. It's like, oh, she's on me again for this. How many times does she have to say this? You know, I get it, I get it and it's for her. She has to say it, it's more than the saying, because it's on her mind. And so if there's also a trust factor because how many times do I have to tell you? So the communication is off and then it keeps on going in so many different directions. But what you mentioned was and I love it the spaghetti part. Yes, and it doesn't matter who is spaghetti or who is a waffle, it could come one way or the other, but to understand each other, that we're on the same page. But I also want to bring up Dawn, because I think it's so important that myth don't go to bed. Okay, that's out there in the universe. It's been out there for relationship coaches for years and years. Do you have another myth to dispel?

Dawn Smith:

Do I have another one Myth to discuss? Yes, yes, and I will say I'm not telling people to go to bed angry, by the way no, of course not. But that timing is really important and understanding each other's lens is important. And I will tell you my other myth. But I just wanted to piggyback one thing you said that was so important is I see this too Almost always my couples. Even if they're in real crisis, they do want the same thing. That's why they're there. They both want not only do they want it to work, they want deep communication, they want intimacy, they want to feel trust, they want to feel appreciated and it's so bittersweet because you're watching them and they want the same thing, but they feel like they're so far off. But so much of it. Just like you said it's, they're just experiencing the same scenario with a different, a different filter, different lens Absolutely yeah.

Dawn Smith:

So one of the other ones I'm really passionate about is I don't believe in compromise. So one of the other ones I'm really passionate about is I don't believe in compromise. And how many of us were brought up to you know? Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship, right? It's the only way you're going to get through things with each other is to always be willing to compromise.

Dawn Smith:

I almost think compromise is a dirty word, and the reason for that is that I think, by definition, it implies both people giving up what they really want. So this goes back, I think, to what you were asking me at the beginning. In terms of my ADHD is my mind has always gone Like I hate multiple choice questions because where's X, where's where's Q? Like these don't make sense to me. I'm always thinking there's always a different way. So if you go into it saying we don't believe in compromise, we are a team, that's the part you probably see this with your couples is they feel siloed because one's seeing it one way, one's seeing it the other, and so if you approach it and you say we are a unit, we are a team, so we're not going to look at your way or your way, we're going to brainstorm until we come up with a whole bunch of new ideas, and most of them are probably going to be ridiculous, but we're going to come up with something that we both are excited about.

Beverley Glazer:

That's what I mean by that. I love that you said that. I really do, because often when you have a compromise, or you suggest that there is a compromise, it's like, oh, I always have to give in and yeah, and then nobody's happy and it's either one win or the other, but we can both win. Yes, find the win from both sides, and then it's not a compromise, it's what you need. What you need, let's make it work together.

Dawn Smith:

I love that. That's a great way of framing it.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah, both of you have to win, compromise, no, and that's the same in any negotiation. Whether it's a relationship, it honestly really doesn't matter. Even if you're buying groceries, if it's too high for you, you don't compromise by necessarily having to go next week. What is the win-win for both of us? He needs to make the money. You know. Look at it with a different lens, like you said. You know it's like it's not I have to. It's how can I make it work? And in a couple, we make it work.

Dawn Smith:

I love that. That's such a great way of framing it. Yeah, it's true, because we can feel so. Things just start to feel so unfair, right, when you feel like you're the one and probably both people are feeling like they're the ones giving up a little bit, or always giving in, or the other person's getting there, and so things just feel unfair. And that's when you end up in those silos and not feeling like it.

Beverley Glazer:

Yes, and the stress when you're not heard keeps building Exactly. You know no wonderful advice. So how do you get couples to navigate these transitions with just a few minutes a day?

Dawn Smith:

Yes, I'm so passionate about that again, the ADHD so I told you I'm a yes to 186 out of 188. I don't remember both, but one of them that I'm a no to is I've never had hyper-focus for me. I never go into that state where I could just lose track of time. I kind of joke, but I've never forgotten to have a meal in my life. That's not a thing. And so it became really important to me to understand part of why we so often stick with habits and patterns that aren't working for us is that when we try to make a change, we bite off more than we can chew and we get overwhelmed, or we don't do it because it feels so overwhelming we don't just don't start. So the whole focus of both my career and my relationship coaching is not only can you do just a few minutes a day, but it's actually faster and more effective in the longterm because you're almost tricking your brain to take on something new. And what I love about this is, if you're consistent about building in these little habits and patterns, it takes an average of 66 days for it to lock in, and when it locks in, it actually moves to a different part of your brain, it gets out of the prefrontal cortex that's making all these choices and it just becomes sort of built in as habit.

Dawn Smith:

So examples with couples an appreciation ritual, spend it's less than five minutes. Say three things you appreciate about each other once a day. Is it going to feel awkward at first? Yes, that's not a bad thing, you know. I tell people, if you're serious about making change, lean into the awkwardness of trying new things. So, um, have a ritual where you sit down for 10, 15, 20 minutes once a day and just say, hey, what's been on your mind, you know? What do you want to share with me? Or what was your, your rose and your thorn right? What was the best thing today? What was the hardest thing today? Those rituals go such a long way towards that feeling of being a team, and so I feel like what I want to encourage people is yes, we're fixing the challenges, but maybe even more importantly, we're building in a culture of the good stuff, of the positive stuff, of the intimacy and the fun and the adventure, because that's what's going to shift the perspective.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah, a hundred percent. I am so hearing you. It's like let's get the fun back. Yes, because when there is a problem, that problem grows. You don't even see each other the same way. That's right. So in baby steps, you're putting that fun back. That's wonderful. What's the most important tip that you could tell a woman who feels that they're just not understood? Dawn?

Dawn Smith:

Oh, it's so hard. Well, one of the other myths I dispel is that our partners should just know what we're thinking and experiencing. They should know by now. They're the person closest to us, who we spend the most time with. It's not true. Your brain operates differently.

Dawn Smith:

So I think the biggest message I want to convey to any of us in any situation is be direct, like state really what you want the other person to hear. Don't make assumptions about them and don't assume what they're making about you. Right, and there's a way to do that kindly. I'm not saying to you know, how dare you this? How dare you? Right, you're not accusing anybody of anything. But don't be afraid to really, really even with your partner, even if you feel they should know it, to just say hey, this has really been heavy on my mind and you probably already know, but I just want to be really direct about it. And, if you can make it a request, I think that's even better, because since our partners have a different lens, it may seem really obvious.

Dawn Smith:

The most common thing and I'm sure you see this in your work when couples fight, it goes to a place often of well, just be more considerate next time. Right, be more respectful, be nicer to me, and the other person's like, okay, I'll try, but they were never trying to do that to begin with. So instead, if you can come up with a direct request, here's what I'm feeling and what I'd like from you is do you think we could spend one of my couples does, and this is recommended by Gottman Institute come home from work and give each other I think they say a 30 second hug, and yes, it's going to feel awkward, but these are the things. So make a direct request. Can I have a hug from you, a long, real, authentic, genuine hug, when you come home from work? Can we have 10 minutes before we go to bed to just check in about our days? Can we have a real romantic date night this weekend? Can you pick up your laundry and put it away in less than 24 hours? Yeah, yeah.

Beverley Glazer:

It's those little things. Those little things that keep growing. Thank you, dawn, excellent advice. Thank you, beverly.

Beverley Glazer:

Dawn Smith is a relationship and career transition coach who helps high stress professionals navigate life's toughest transitions. She's a TEDx speaker and the founder of Whole Life Solutions, and she has spent the last decade studying neuroscience and habits and how men and women are wired to process and communicate differently with each other. Here are a few takeaways from this episode. Being a misfit can be your superpower, so embrace what makes you different. Small daily shifts in your thinking can strengthen your relationship. Just do it for a few minutes a day and take action. Dawn told you how, even in high-stress careers, taking small, intentional actions can lead to both personal and professional growth.

Beverley Glazer:

If you've been relating to this episode, think about the small changes that you can make in your own relationship. Perhaps it's not by jumping in so quickly to defend yourself, or by listening with empathy or finding an expert who can help you to communicate with each other. Reach out and take action, and your life can change. For similar episodes on relationships and self-love, check out episodes 75 and 77 on aging with purpose and passion, and, if you like these stories, you may also like Older Women and Friends podcast, which explores contributions of older women and the wisdom that they share, and that link will be in the show notes as well. And where can people find more about you, dawn? What are your links?

Dawn Smith:

Thank you so much, beverly. So for the career transition coaching, it's wholelifesolutionsbiz, and for the relationship coaching for couples in crisis and individuals, it's relationshipcoachdawncom.

Beverley Glazer:

Wonderful. And all those two links there. If you didn't catch them, they're going to be in the show notes and they're also going to be on my site too. That's reinventimpossiblecom. And now, my friends, what's next for you? Are you just going through the motions or are you really passionate about your life? Sign up for my weekly self-coaching tips to empower you through your journey. And that link, where do you think? In the show notes? That's right, they'll be there too. You can connect with me, Beverley Glazer, on all social media platforms, and in my positive group of women on Facebook that's Women Over 50 Rock. In my positive group of women on Facebook that's Women Over 50 Rock. And if you're looking for guidance in your own transformation, I invite you to explore reinventimpossiblecom. Thank you for listening. Have you enjoyed this conversation? Please subscribe so you don't miss the next one, and send this episode to a friend. Always remember that you have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website, reinventimpossiblecom and, while you're there, join our newsletter Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion and celebrate life.