Those Damn Roommates (and Apartment Searching in General) | Neurospicy Black Girl

Well, one good thing that comes from conflict with annoying roommates is that it provides good material for this episode. Follow along as Alani discusses her grievances with her roommates and roommate/apartment searching. Send good vibes and/or prayers she can move out soon!

Gray rocking method article: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/grey-rock-method

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Transcript

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Moving out is a great way to kickstart your journey of independence. However, rent can be expensive as hell. If you're in a city with a high cost of living, you most likely need to live with a roommate or two, or more depending on how much the rent is. However, looking for roommates is a pain in the ass. And living with roommates can be a pain in the ass, especially if you are a Neurospicy Black Girl. Hi, I'm Alani. I'm Black, female, and neurodivergent, aka I lost the genetic lottery. The only thing I could do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and live whatever life takes me. If anyone deserves to profit from my trauma, it's me. That's a life with NeuroSpicy Black Girl. Welcome to NeuroSpicy Black Girl, the only place where you learn that using profanity around other adults is considered threatening and needing to get the landlord involved. I'm Alani, and today, based on what I just said, we're going to talk about the annoyances of roommate searching and living with them. The inspiration behind this episode is that I apparently quote-unquote"worried my current roommates for being too quiet and not seen". I'm an adult just because I don't want to interact with you doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. My last roommates did not give a f*** that I was barely seen in the house. Hell, growing up with my mom, she didn't care that I often barely see her throughout the day or that we barely spend time with each other. Even though that may have actually been emotional neglect, I survived, I think. So I'm going to talk about this into two categories as they both have issues, especially as a NeuroSpicy Black Girl, finding roommates and living with them. Let's start with finding roommates, or if you're not searching for a roommate, finding a room and then vetting out the roommates. Let me tell you, roommate and apartment searching in general is exhausting, especially in New York City. First, landlords and brokers are shady as hell. Look, I get it, you're trying to make some money. But damn, you always gotta try to screw over someone by trying to trap them into a contract that's hard to break. Sunk cost fallacy can be a dangerous thing, especially when you're desperate. And especially if you live in New York City, where the competition to get apartments or even rooms is like a "Battle Royale" "Hunger Games" nonsense. I am someone who wants to take time and research before I make a decision. I hate having to be impulsive, especially if it's a huge decision that could impact my life. And I was unfortunately proven right with my first room. So I was desperately looking for rooms because I wanted to get the hell out of my dorm at college. I was paying 10K a semester for dorms that had mold problems and have water be shut off for hours. Plus, there's the great microwave or laundry room fires that set off deafening fire alarms. College is the first indicator of learning which people were spoiled brats growing up. But I digress. I was going through those room finding sites like Spareroom, for example, and I was getting ghosted. I already get ghosted while job hunting. I don't need to be ghosted while trying to find a place to live. God damn. My mom did have a friend who was a realtor who said that he found the perfect place for me. The perfect place for me has a wonderful amnemities of an hour long commute of nearly everywhere you go. Buses that are always super crowded, so you would have to either be late to work or have to call an Uber or a Lyft to get to the train on time. Funny enough, the buses going into the neighborhood are decent at arrival time, but the buses leaving the neighborhood almost never comes. Your neighborhood is essentially Hotel California. Now back to the apartment, it also wonderfully included no doorbell system at all. Not even a peephole. Nothing. Perfect for when your toxic relative shows up unannounced at your place and you basically gotta hide until it looks safe to go back outside to take the trash out. Coupled with a growing large beehive that looks like it belongs to Candyman. I won't be surprised if my former landlord was secretly trying to launder money and wanted his tenants dead. Anyway, and the final spice is a washer and dryer set, that needs coins, for it to work. You need coins to use your own laundry when you are already paying more than a thousand a month. If I wasn't so desperate for a place to stay, I would have not made that impulsive decision. I eventually moved out, but that process was hell, especially in the roommate sector. I would find rooms in decent or even ideal locations, but the roommates or even the landlord in some cases, hide sh*t. I hate that sh*t. Be direct on the listing. For example, there was this woman who lived in a decent neighborhood in Brooklyn that I was kind of familiar with and the commute was doable. However, as soon as I met up with the prospective roommate, she was pushy about me deciding to move in. Mind you, I didn't get a chance to review the apartment yet. As I was looking through the apartment, the woman drops a detail that she conveniently left out of the listing. Her boyfriend also wants to move in with her. Now, on the Spareroom site, I explicitly listed that I only want to room with women for safety concerns. Why the hell would you leave that crucial info out of the listing as I took the time out of my day to travel to this place? It makes you wonder if she leaves out crucial information like that. Then, what other info is she hiding? That's like if you specifically state that she don't want to live with pets. You see a roommate that states that they don't live with pets and then the roommate actually has a whole puppy breeding farm in the basement. I know PETA gets a bad rep due to their controversies and being annoying in general, but maybe they could be useful for something, especially roommates who lie by omission. So eventually, I found a place due to my friend at the time having a roommate move out. The location is very ideal both commute-wise and access-wise. I was able to get to the room due to a literal referral. Again, I can't believe room hunting is like job hunting. I even went through an interview process where I essentially masked myself in order to look appealing as possible. I got the place and I felt things were going to go well. This is too good to be true. Unfortunately, it was. Alright, so now living with others as a neurospicy Black girl got its own issues, especially if you are an introverted neurospicy Black girl. Why are introverted Black women are demonized so much? Especially if we are on the reserved side. We are literally just chilling and re-energizing ourselves by being by ourselves. Why is not bothering people bothering people? You extroverted neurotypicals are weird for feeling that way, for real. Anyway, one issue, a non-issue really, that apparently arised is that I was too quiet. No one knows when I enter or leave the house. I'm not any of your kids. Why the f*** you want to know my every move? Y'all are concerned about my whereabouts but not concerned when I'm actually there though, especially when it comes to sharing s***. Let's talk about the refrigerator situation. So this is a four person household. Three out of the four people cook. Now when you cook, you probably need to store a lot of things, especially leftovers. Tell me why all three of them cook nearly every single day, hogging up all the space in the fridge. Y'all are not broke. You could takeout for one day. I swear to God. But for some reason when I get my own fridge so I can store my perishable products, it's a problem. Are you serious? Another thing, the Wi-Fi. The Wi-Fi f***ing sucks when everybody's in the house, especially for me and the upstairs roommate because our rooms are dead zones. But the two other roommates wanna inconvenience the upstairs roommates in order to save money instead of buying another modem. You know it's bad when I'm happy when the holidays come because that's when everyone goes home to their loving families and I get to have the household to myself. That's an unexpected benefit to having an abusive family, at least being not in contact with them. I remember being secretly upset when one of them was still home for a summer holiday. Like, let me rot in my room in peace, God damn. I didn't think I was going to get in this cycle again, but here we are. So while writing this, I am now in a calmer state of mind and I am currently planning my escape from my room. However, I gotta be realistic in both my financials and the time of moving, especially knowing how annoying room searching is. So I do have three tips in dealing with conflict in searching for rooms and while living with roommates. Cause y'all gonna need it for real. Number one, when it comes to searching for rooms before agreeing to sign the lease or even visiting the room in person, ask every question possible, especially since people can conveniently leave out things in listings. Ask about schedules, ask if they have romantic partners, don't ask for details unless you're nosy but I don't recommend it. Ask about laundry or the nearest laundromat. Establish all the answers before you make the decision so you can save time and money. Number two, when it comes to interacting with roommates in a conflict setting, try to stay calm. As mentioned earlier, using profanity to express myself caused my roommate to threaten to get a landlord involved. I guess I was cussing among children now as if it's somebody's Roblox server. Anyway, try to stay calm as you do not think rationally if you are in a heightened state of emotions. Take some deep breaths so you're able to think about your decisions and words clearly. On that note, number three, adjust your communication style accordingly. Sometimes your regular style of communication is unfortunately ineffective, even if it should be blatantly obvious when you want to be left alone. But I digress. There are times where you gotta be super direct. Say explicitly, "I would rather be left alone." I thought actions speak louder than words but apparently not to some neurotypicals. So you know about child-proof things? You have to sometimes idiot-proof your way of communication to put it bluntly. Also, let's say your roommates are getting on your nerves and you don't want to interact with them but you accidentally or unintentionally are put in a situation where you have to. Use the gray rock method. According to this article, "How the Gray Rock Method Works" by Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials, gray rocking"is a way of making yourself boring and conspicuous, unemotional, and uninteresting." Do things like make yourself busy with tasks. Any task, even if it's like clipping your toenails. It's a task to keep busy. If you don't have any tasks and the roommate is talking to you, participate in the conversation as least as possible. One word answers are your best friend. "Hey, how are you working today?" No. "You going to stay in your room?" Yes. "Are you okay?" Yes. And also short brief sentences are your allies. "How was work?" Fine. "What did you do?" Nothing much. "Why are you going back to your room?" Not feeling well. "Do you need something?" No. If you have grown up with toxic parents, you probably already know how to do this. You just didn't know it had a name to it. One day I wish to not have to put up walls in order to do self-preservation. That day will come when my parents apologize for continuing the intergenerational trauma. So never. Thank you for listening to today's episode of Neurospicy Black Girl. Remember, it's okay to be human. Do what you gotta do to protect your health, especially your mental health. Tune in next time where something new happens and it will definitely not be boring.