Would you please stop that. You know, I think that's the first time I have ever heard you say please, gold star, for me, fucking stop. If we can turn the radio on. No, put your headphones on, or something. I would if you gave me time to grab them. I'm gonna drive this truck into oncoming traffic if you don't fucking stop so radio. You wouldn't be able to hear anything anyway. But static. We're out in the middle of nowhere. I'm just gonna keep doing this. Then, dude, see if there's a gun in the glove box so I can blow my fucking brains out.
Speaker 1:The Gentle Art of Making Enemies, Written and directed by Ben Qaddafi, Episode 5. Noah may be the hothead and Isaac knows it. Any time spent together makes you understand damn well. They don't communicate. These boys got a long road ahead of them and it will only get longer if they don't learn to get along. A man who bites his tongue may have blood in his mouth, but has a better chance of getting out alive. I think Isaac might be biting off more than he can chew. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. And boy, let me tell you, things can get pretty ugly, pretty quick.
Speaker 2:Hey, harmonica, I could make a song for us. I'd rather listen to a dog raping a dying rabbit. Oh my God, what Booty, fucking licious, booty, what Licious, you know, booty, licious. That rapper from the 90s the hell's it doing in the glove box? It's probably yours from when we were kids. It would have beaten me for listening to it if I were dad. We have to put this in, please don't. Oh, shut up, it's gonna be terribly great. I said no, what are you fucking stupid? You said please don't. There's a difference, like the difference between a broken finger and a broken nose. You've already had one of them. Fine, I'm just going to play the harmonica. Never learned this thing, so this should be riveting.
Speaker 2:Jesus God, my name is Noah and I'm a huge prick and everyone around me thinks that I'm a huge dick. Hey, hey, my name is Noah and I think I'm tough and I'm really just a power bottom. That just likes it rough, jesus Christ. Alright, that just likes it rough, jesus Christ. All right, put in the fucking tape. Perfect song. I'm going to rewind it. Jesus, I remember this stupid shit Oof. That doesn't sound good. Hopefully it eats the tape. Oh, calm down, you grumpy gust. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, just let it play, hold on. I'm starting the song over. If it'll make it Woof, there we go. What I want to listen to is next dude.
Speaker 1:Are you ready for this shit? Y'all ain't ready.
Speaker 2:Look at that butt, big ol' butt. Look at that butt. Ha ha ha. Come on, man, you singing this in public's probably gonna get you put on. Ha ha ha. Come on, man, you singing this in public's probably gonna get you put on a list. Oh, come on, man. Ha ha ha, look at that butt, big ol' butt.
Speaker 1:Come on, dude.
Speaker 2:I know, you know the words Just buck, buck, butt. Come on, oh man, I just died. This is fucking great. You don't remember this, jesus? Oh, my them thighs. Watch it before they hypnotize. You got another word, dude, look at that butt, the big old butt. Look at that butt. There you go you. That butt, the big old butt. Look at that butt, there you go you. Sour puss.
Speaker 1:Big old butt. Look at the butt. Look at the butt. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
Speaker 2:Just look at him, he just ain't in the race. Isaac likes it right in the face. You motherfucker. What, what, what, what, what, stop, stop, stop, dude, this song is fucking killing me right now. I love this. Oh, holy shit. Noah Link McConaughey, we have to stop. No, we're on our way home. I'm not stopping. Oh come shit. Noah Lake McConaughey, we have to stop. No, we're on our way home, I'm not stopping. Oh, come on. We used to go there all the time as kids. We have to go. Why? Because you have some stupid song reminding you of our childhood. That's precisely the reason I want to stop. What better way to remember Dad than to stop at our old camping grounds? Well, I'm thinking. Well. Well, I'm thinking. Well, don't think too hard. The exit's coming up. Stop talking. Let me think One mile, just saying Fuck it. There you go. This is gonna be fucking great. Don't make me regret this.
Speaker 2:Isaac what is there to regret. When was the last time you got to do something like this, dude? I'm just saying, you always find a way to make things more difficult than they need to be. What? No, I don't. No shenanigans, dude. Come on, I'm not gonna do anything, dude, I mean it. No fucking around. I promise. No fucking around. Alright, then I cannot believe we're here right now. I know I've been here since what? 96? Yeah, something like that. I'll race you, you little dick fart. Look, dick, he even runs like an idiot. You dropped your cocaine. Fucking mook you. Alright, good Cause I'm not taking you to the hospital. Can you at least help me up jerk-off. Noah, look at this, I see it. And this is still breathtaking. You remember building sandcastles over there, of course. So much fun. Dad would help us make moats and bridges and Mom playing Godzilla. She did what she would stomp all over the castles when she wanted us to get into the water. Oh my god, I completely forgot about it. That crazy lady.
Speaker 2:And you would cry.
Speaker 1:Mom, this is my masterpiece.
Speaker 2:Is that an attempt to make fun of my childhood speech impediments? I'm seriously speechless that you think I would do something stupid like that. Funny, hey, just to be happy, our parents took the time and the money to get you to speech therapy. They, they, bought me a slap to the face any time I'd say something incorrectly. These were good times, man, a time before you hated me. Oh, stop the poor pity me routine. I hated you long before you ever became a poster child. We're here, though. Let's just enjoy it Just for a little bit. I want to get home before it's dark. Why so soon? A pregnant wife at home who is eight and a half weeks along and is a continuous ball of joy Emphasis on the cunt. I'm gonna tell her.
Speaker 2:You said that, be my guest, she'll slap you first. Yeah, good point. You know, it's almost as if Mom and Dad are here with us. You feel that? Yeah, actually I do Love you like a sister, little brother. Shit, it's Kirsten. Why the hell is she calling you? Did you leave your phone in the truck? Shit, if she's being the magical C-word, I don't even want to talk to her.
Speaker 2:Yellow, why the fuck doesn't your brother answer my calls? Well, I'm 70% convinced he's gay, so that could be a contributing factor. You know, he grabbed some old man's breast in the rest stop bathroom. Saw it with my own eyes. Isaac, seriously, I'm not fucking around here. Wow, sorry, he's right next to me. He probably just left his phone in the truck.
Speaker 2:What's she saying here? Just talk to her. I'm gonna go piss. By the way, she's in a great mood. Hey babe, you need to start keeping your phone on you at all times.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, pulled over, got out, stretched our legs. When are you coming home? That's all I care about. What about world peace and all the hippie commie bullshit? You don't care about that. Noah, not in a joking mood? Huh, noah, just answer my fucking question Seven hours, jesus, where are you?
Speaker 2:We're just outside Ogallala, honey. It's five hours from Ogallala, but I'm taking Highway 30, which is about 20 miles an hour slower. Yeah well, you were supposed to be home yesterday, kirsten. I'm trying to get a giant baby with an Oedipus complex to come home. It isn't the easiest thing to do. Come on, he's not that bad. He sabotaged a fucking truck. What do you mean? He's not that bad. He did what? Wait, you know what? I don't care. I didn't call to argue what argument. It's a fact. He's a 35-year-old emo kid. Then hog, tie him and throw him in the back of the truck. Problem solved. That actually is not a bad idea. Just get home safe, please. I'm back on the road now. Very good, I love you. I know you what. Sorry, I love you too, babe. Thank you. Now get your ass back home before I lock you both out.
Speaker 1:Shit.
Speaker 2:Dude, what's going on? We were enjoying the moment. Yeah, well, that moment's over. Here's your phone. Get in the truck. Okay, I'm sorry. What the fuck is that? What is what that? I don't hear anything Bullshit.
Speaker 2:What did you do? What did I do? You went to piss and now there's a fucking weird noise. You're blaming me again. Of course I'm blaming you. What the fuck did I do? You went to piss and now there's a fucking weird noise. You're blaming me again. Of course I'm blaming you.
Speaker 2:What the fuck did you do? I don't know. Did you check the tailpipe? Dude, I hate you so much. Seriously, what the fuck did you do? Where the fuck is the harmonica? The air intake, dude, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Seriously, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Oh, shut up. It's funny Zip-tying a harmonica to the air intake. Come on now.
Speaker 2:How the fuck do you know about cars? Well, the Ottomo car was invented by a German man named Sven Ousterfaus. Isaac, I'm serious. Dad used to show us how to work on cars all the time. Or have you forgotten that? He showed me how to do that shit. You were too busy trying on Mom's clothes.
Speaker 2:You are a fucking delusion, fuck you. I was right next to you when he gave you those lessons. How else would I know how to unhook the fucking ignition module? I just assumed you jumped in like an ape and yanked on the first thing. You fucking saw what is with you and assumptions. I don't just assume everything. Ha you automatically assume I'm this dipshit Colorado junkie with no job? I don't assume it's the truth. What you know of me is a shadow, noah Bullshit. You quit your job with the city, which was a great fucking job, cashed in your 401k and you moved away to do fuck all. And you moved away to do fuck all. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Not technically, not technically. Get the fuck out of here. You know what? I am a fucking millionaire, oh, bullshit.
Speaker 2:I wrote a book called the Butcher of Bronson Street, that teeny-bopper bullshit that sits on my wife's nightstand. Fuck off, yes, that teeny-bopper bullshit. Nice try, isaac. That book doesn't say written by Isaac Peterson, it's some author, pj Williamson or some stupid shit. Rj Staker, I used a pseudonym. I call bullshit. How? How the hell are you a millionaire from writing one fucking book? Well, for one. It became a bestseller. That doesn't make you a millionaire. You're such a fucking liar, isaac. No, but investing a portion of the profits does. I took a big chunk of the profits from the book you don't believe I wrote and I invested it into the stock market, the stock split, and I made a fucking fortune. Then I had a buddy dealing with overseas trademark rights and I fucking made a shitload of money off of that. That's what made me a millionaire.
Speaker 2:You miserable dick. Wait, you buy other people's trademarks in other countries and charge them money to sell their own fucking brand. Yes, there was a lot of money in that shit. That's fucking low, super fucking low. It's not low, it's fucking business. Business it's scamming someone who worked hard for the right to be rich. If they're too dumb not to trademark their name in a foreign market, they deserve to get charged.
Speaker 2:Congratulations, you have become a world-class piece of shit. Good luck with the blood money. Well, fuck you. Good comeback. You fucking reprobate. You're a fucking joke, dude. I'm a fucking joke. Refer back to your business practices, dude.
Speaker 2:Who do you think paid for Dad's funeral, that so-called blood money? Who do you think was paying for Dad to live those past two years? Sure as shit wasn't the fucking slaughterhouse. They fired his ass and closed the doors, didn't even fucking look back. Why are you telling me this now? We're brothers, we're supposed to trust each other. Trust each other. That's a fucking laugh. You haven't trusted anyone since you cheated on your wife. Hey, we have moved past that. We are doing counseling once a week because of my fuck up.
Speaker 2:I admitted it, I fucked up. That was two years ago anyway. You're the one that diddled someone else. I told you we have worked on our marriage. Now fucking drop it.
Speaker 2:You haven't moved on at all, you moron. You are constantly angry. You piss and moan about everything. You think everyone is out to screw your wife. You blame everyone for shit that you caused. You are a miserable prick. What the fuck's that supposed to mean? Comes a point in every man's life, they need to realize they're chasing their own tail. Riddle me this dickhead. Have you ever manned up and taken responsibility for any of your actions? Have you, like I said, you blame everybody but yourself. God forbid the words I'm sorry ever spew from your fucking mouth. Half the shit you've done to me in the past two days renders an apology. Is that what you want? An apology? Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're such a fucking cunt.
Speaker 2:Oscar nominee Noah Peterson, is that how you apologize to Kirsten you better fucking stop bringing my wife's name into this. There hasn't been a thought in your mind that your wife got revenge, what you know? I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if there was another man's baby brewing in her belly right fucking now. Fuck, dude, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I was crossing the line. Seriously, dude, I'm sorry. I was getting pretty heated and I was just trying to get under your skin. That's it. I didn't mean anything.
Speaker 2:That fucking harmonica, whoa, jesus Christ. What the fuck are you doing, dude? Slow the fuck down. God damn it, noah. Are you trying to fucking kill us? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dammit, noah, are you trying to fucking kill us? Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, jesus Christ, you're gonna give me a heart attack. Fuck it out of the fucking truck. What the hell are you doing, you, nut bar? I said I was sorry. Get out of the fucking truck, you little bitch Shit. I really pissed him off. Are you serious? The lock? You're a lot dumber than I fucking thought. Shit, I really pissed him off. Get the fuck out. Fuck, dude, seatbelt. Fuck. Say, get up. You want to be a fucking tough guy? Get the fuck out. I'm not gonna fight you, noah, hit me pussy. Noah, stop Hit me. You are a fucking psychopath. You wanna see fucking crazy. You fucking cunt Fucking. Stop, just let me hit you. Come here, you fucking baby, stand still Fucking headlock. You fucking pussy, are you done? Fuck you. You need to calm down.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna fucking kill you when you let go. How?
Speaker 2:about now, uncle, uncle, big man had too much. You're tapping now. Do you see what happens when you lose your temper? I didn't want to do this asshole. Why do you have to solve everything with fucking confrontation? You bitch and moan about everything, but look where it gets you, motherfucker. I see it. Get you a shot to the dick. I'm done. I've had it with you this trip. This fucking truck. I'm fucking out. I'm going home.
Speaker 2:Good luck with your fragile masculinity and a broken nose. Bitch. Go right ahead, fucking, leave. Nobody fucking wants you there anyway.
Speaker 2:You've been a coward your entire life. Why should Dad's funeral be any different? Run away like you always do. Abandon us all. That's what you're fucking good at. Abandon you.
Speaker 2:I left to get my head clear. I spoke to Dad every fucking day after I left. Bullshit. You left to fill your own selfish fucking fantasies. It's the truth.
Speaker 2:Mom's death fucking destroyed me. She was my world, dude. I couldn't fucking take it being in the same city. She died in Everything she taught me about life, about women. She was my fucking mother. Oh, fuck off. You barely said a word at her fucking funeral. It's like you couldn't fucking be bothered. Seeing her put in the ground destroyed me in ways I can't even put into words, noah. It fucking destroyed me.
Speaker 2:I had a breakdown that involved a shitload of whiskey and thinking about blowing my fucking brains out. I wanted to get far away from anything that reminded me of who she was and I just I had to jump ship. She was my mother, too, and I was going through the exact same thing, and the only person I felt would get what I was going through abandoned me. He just fucking vanished. Dad was there, but he was going through his own loss with the love of his life. I needed my goddamn brother, the only goddamn person that would fucking understand my plight. And you laugh. You could have called you, fucking idiot. You think Dad's funeral is any different? I needed my goddamn brother, and you refused to go.
Speaker 2:How do you think I feel I can't bury another parent? Not after Mom, not after how it obliterated me. Why the fuck do you think I came to get you? You honestly think I can do this alone? Fuck you and your goddamn ego, afraid of how it's gonna make you feel.
Speaker 2:What about how I feel, noah? You aren't the only one hurting. I'm fucking dying on the inside. Our father is dead. He's fucking dead. There is nothing either of us can do to change that. I can't just come back with a smile on my face and shake hands with dad's old pals.
Speaker 2:The world is crumbling around me and I don't know what the fuck to do. Bitch, I have kids coming into this world in a few weeks, so I'm about to be a dad, and the only person I knew who would come show me how to be a good father is fucking dead. I'm fucking scared, isaac. Oh, come on, don't try to guilt trip me with this shit. Guilt trip you, motherfucker. I have a wife that is dealing with all of this bullshit on top of being pregnant. I have to comfort her and suck up my feelings, because the moment I break down, the whole entire ship goes down. Now I'm fucking losing it because of you and I'm afraid I may not be the man I need to be for my fucking family. How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do with my life, with my son's life? I have no idea what to do and I just need my god damn brother Get up. I don't need your help, just get in the fucking truck. I'll need your help. Just get in the fucking truck.
Speaker 1:The Gentle Art of Making Enemies, written and directed by Ben Gaddafi, starring Tim Welsh, ben Gaddafi, samantha Johnson, wren Soren, katie Lee Rumpf, tessa Thompson, alexander Hamilton, ryan Rumpff, nick Vodica, jason Flynn.