Would you please stop that . You know , I think that's the first time I have ever heard you say please , gold star , for me , fucking stop . If we can turn the radio on . No , put your headphones on , or something . I would if you gave me time to grab them . I'm gonna drive this truck into oncoming traffic if you don't fucking stop so radio . You wouldn't be able to hear anything anyway . But static . We're out in the middle of nowhere . I'm just gonna keep doing this . Then , dude , see if there's a gun in the glove box so I can blow my fucking brains out .
Speaker 1The Gentle Art of Making Enemies , Written and directed by Ben Qaddafi , Episode 5 . Noah may be the hothead and Isaac knows it . Any time spent together makes you understand damn well . They don't communicate . These boys got a long road ahead of them and it will only get longer if they don't learn to get along . A man who bites his tongue may have blood in his mouth , but has a better chance of getting out alive . I think Isaac might be biting off more than he can chew . You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear . And boy , let me tell you , things can get pretty ugly , pretty quick .
Speaker 2Hey , harmonica , I could make a song for us . I'd rather listen to a dog raping a dying rabbit . Oh my God , what Booty , fucking licious , booty , what Licious , you know , booty , licious . That rapper from the 90s the hell's it doing in the glove box ? It's probably yours from when we were kids . It would have beaten me for listening to it if I were dad . We have to put this in , please don't . Oh , shut up , it's gonna be terribly great . I said no , what are you fucking stupid ? You said please don't . There's a difference , like the difference between a broken finger and a broken nose . You've already had one of them . Fine , I'm just going to play the harmonica . Never learned this thing , so this should be riveting .
Speaker 2Jesus God , my name is Noah and I'm a huge prick and everyone around me thinks that I'm a huge dick . Hey , hey , my name is Noah and I think I'm tough and I'm really just a power bottom . That just likes it rough , jesus Christ . Alright , that just likes it rough , jesus Christ . All right , put in the fucking tape . Perfect song . I'm going to rewind it . Jesus , I remember this stupid shit Oof . That doesn't sound good . Hopefully it eats the tape . Oh , calm down , you grumpy gust . Oh , sweet baby Jesus , just let it play , hold on . I'm starting the song over . If it'll make it Woof , there we go . What I want to listen to is next dude .
Speaker 1Are you ready for this shit ? Y'all ain't ready .
Speaker 2Look at that butt , big ol' butt . Look at that butt . Ha ha ha . Come on , man , you singing this in public's probably gonna get you put on . Ha ha ha . Come on , man , you singing this in public's probably gonna get you put on a list . Oh , come on , man . Ha ha ha , look at that butt , big ol' butt .
Speaker 1Come on , dude .
Speaker 2I know , you know the words Just buck , buck , butt . Come on , oh man , I just died . This is fucking great . You don't remember this , jesus ? Oh , my them thighs . Watch it before they hypnotize . You got another word , dude , look at that butt , the big old butt . Look at that butt . There you go you . That butt , the big old butt . Look at that butt , there you go you . Sour puss .
Speaker 1Big old butt . Look at the butt . Look at the butt . All right , all right , all right , all right , all right , all right .
Speaker 2Just look at him , he just ain't in the race . Isaac likes it right in the face . You motherfucker . What , what , what , what , what , stop , stop , stop , dude , this song is fucking killing me right now . I love this . Oh , holy shit . Noah Link McConaughey , we have to stop . No , we're on our way home . I'm not stopping . Oh come shit . Noah Lake McConaughey , we have to stop . No , we're on our way home , I'm not stopping . Oh , come on . We used to go there all the time as kids . We have to go . Why ? Because you have some stupid song reminding you of our childhood . That's precisely the reason I want to stop . What better way to remember Dad than to stop at our old camping grounds ? Well , I'm thinking . Well . Well , I'm thinking . Well , don't think too hard . The exit's coming up . Stop talking . Let me think One mile , just saying Fuck it . There you go . This is gonna be fucking great . Don't make me regret this .
Speaker 2Isaac what is there to regret . When was the last time you got to do something like this , dude ? I'm just saying , you always find a way to make things more difficult than they need to be . What ? No , I don't . No shenanigans , dude . Come on , I'm not gonna do anything , dude , I mean it . No fucking around . I promise . No fucking around . Alright , then I cannot believe we're here right now . I know I've been here since what ? 96 ? Yeah , something like that . I'll race you , you little dick fart . Look , dick , he even runs like an idiot . You dropped your cocaine . Fucking mook you . Alright , good Cause I'm not taking you to the hospital . Can you at least help me up jerk-off . Noah , look at this , I see it . And this is still breathtaking . You remember building sandcastles over there , of course . So much fun . Dad would help us make moats and bridges and Mom playing Godzilla . She did what she would stomp all over the castles when she wanted us to get into the water . Oh my god , I completely forgot about it . That crazy lady .
Speaker 2And you would cry .
Speaker 1Mom , this is my masterpiece .
Speaker 2Is that an attempt to make fun of my childhood speech impediments ? I'm seriously speechless that you think I would do something stupid like that . Funny , hey , just to be happy , our parents took the time and the money to get you to speech therapy . They , they , bought me a slap to the face any time I'd say something incorrectly . These were good times , man , a time before you hated me . Oh , stop the poor pity me routine . I hated you long before you ever became a poster child . We're here , though . Let's just enjoy it Just for a little bit . I want to get home before it's dark . Why so soon ? A pregnant wife at home who is eight and a half weeks along and is a continuous ball of joy Emphasis on the cunt . I'm gonna tell her .
Speaker 2You said that , be my guest , she'll slap you first . Yeah , good point . You know , it's almost as if Mom and Dad are here with us . You feel that ? Yeah , actually I do Love you like a sister , little brother . Shit , it's Kirsten . Why the hell is she calling you ? Did you leave your phone in the truck ? Shit , if she's being the magical C-word , I don't even want to talk to her .
Speaker 2Yellow , why the fuck doesn't your brother answer my calls ? Well , I'm 70% convinced he's gay , so that could be a contributing factor . You know , he grabbed some old man's breast in the rest stop bathroom . Saw it with my own eyes . Isaac , seriously , I'm not fucking around here . Wow , sorry , he's right next to me . He probably just left his phone in the truck .
Speaker 2What's she saying here ? Just talk to her . I'm gonna go piss . By the way , she's in a great mood . Hey babe , you need to start keeping your phone on you at all times .
Speaker 2I'm sorry , pulled over , got out , stretched our legs . When are you coming home ? That's all I care about . What about world peace and all the hippie commie bullshit ? You don't care about that . Noah , not in a joking mood ? Huh , noah , just answer my fucking question Seven hours , jesus , where are you ?
Speaker 2We're just outside Ogallala , honey . It's five hours from Ogallala , but I'm taking Highway 30 , which is about 20 miles an hour slower . Yeah well , you were supposed to be home yesterday , kirsten . I'm trying to get a giant baby with an Oedipus complex to come home . It isn't the easiest thing to do . Come on , he's not that bad . He sabotaged a fucking truck . What do you mean ? He's not that bad . He did what ? Wait , you know what ? I don't care . I didn't call to argue what argument . It's a fact . He's a 35-year-old emo kid . Then hog , tie him and throw him in the back of the truck . Problem solved . That actually is not a bad idea . Just get home safe , please . I'm back on the road now . Very good , I love you . I know you what . Sorry , I love you too , babe . Thank you . Now get your ass back home before I lock you both out .
Speaker 1Shit .
Speaker 2Dude , what's going on ? We were enjoying the moment . Yeah , well , that moment's over . Here's your phone . Get in the truck . Okay ,
I'm sorry . What the fuck is that ? What is what that ? I don't hear anything Bullshit .
Speaker 2What did you do ? What did I do ? You went to piss and now there's a fucking weird noise . You're blaming me again . Of course I'm blaming you . What the fuck did I do ? You went to piss and now there's a fucking weird noise . You're blaming me again . Of course I'm blaming you .
Speaker 2What the fuck did you do ? I don't know . Did you check the tailpipe ? Dude , I hate you so much . Seriously , what the fuck did you do ? Where the fuck is the harmonica ? The air intake , dude , I'm gonna fucking kill you . Seriously , I'm gonna fucking kill you . Oh , shut up . It's funny Zip-tying a harmonica to the air intake . Come on now .
Speaker 2How the fuck do you know about cars ? Well , the Ottomo car was invented by a German man named Sven Ousterfaus . Isaac , I'm serious . Dad used to show us how to work on cars all the time . Or have you forgotten that ? He showed me how to do that shit . You were too busy trying on Mom's clothes .
Speaker 2You are a fucking delusion , fuck you . I was right next to you when he gave you those lessons . How else would I know how to unhook the fucking ignition module ? I just assumed you jumped in like an ape and yanked on the first thing . You fucking saw what is with you and assumptions . I don't just assume everything . Ha you automatically assume I'm this dipshit Colorado junkie with no job ? I don't assume it's the truth . What you know of me is a shadow , noah Bullshit . You quit your job with the city , which was a great fucking job , cashed in your 401k and you moved away to do fuck all . And you moved away to do fuck all . Am I wrong ? Am I wrong ? Not technically , not technically . Get the fuck out of here . You know what ? I am a fucking millionaire , oh , bullshit .
Speaker 2I wrote a book called the Butcher of Bronson Street , that teeny-bopper bullshit that sits on my wife's nightstand . Fuck off , yes , that teeny-bopper bullshit . Nice try , isaac . That book doesn't say written by Isaac Peterson , it's some author , pj Williamson or some stupid shit . Rj Staker , I used a pseudonym . I call bullshit . How ? How the hell are you a millionaire from writing one fucking book ? Well , for one . It became a bestseller . That doesn't make you a millionaire . You're such a fucking liar , isaac . No , but investing a portion of the profits does . I took a big chunk of the profits from the book you don't believe I wrote and I invested it into the stock market , the stock split , and I made a fucking fortune . Then I had a buddy dealing with overseas trademark rights and I fucking made a shitload of money off of that . That's what made me a millionaire .
Speaker 2You miserable dick . Wait , you buy other people's trademarks in other countries and charge them money to sell their own fucking brand . Yes , there was a lot of money in that shit . That's fucking low , super fucking low . It's not low , it's fucking business . Business it's scamming someone who worked hard for the right to be rich . If they're too dumb not to trademark their name in a foreign market , they deserve to get charged .
Speaker 2Congratulations , you have become a world-class piece of shit . Good luck with the blood money . Well , fuck you . Good comeback . You fucking reprobate . You're a fucking joke , dude . I'm a fucking joke . Refer back to your business practices , dude .
Speaker 2Who do you think paid for Dad's funeral , that so-called blood money ? Who do you think was paying for Dad to live those past two years ? Sure as shit wasn't the fucking slaughterhouse . They fired his ass and closed the doors , didn't even fucking look back . Why are you telling me this now ? We're brothers , we're supposed to trust each other . Trust each other . That's a fucking laugh . You haven't trusted anyone since you cheated on your wife . Hey , we have moved past that . We are doing counseling once a week because of my fuck up .
Speaker 2I admitted it , I fucked up . That was two years ago anyway . You're the one that diddled someone else . I told you we have worked on our marriage . Now fucking drop it .
Speaker 2You haven't moved on at all , you moron . You are constantly angry . You piss and moan about everything . You think everyone is out to screw your wife . You blame everyone for shit that you caused . You are a miserable prick . What the fuck's that supposed to mean ? Comes a point in every man's life , they need to realize they're chasing their own tail . Riddle me this dickhead . Have you ever manned up and taken responsibility for any of your actions ? Have you , like I said , you blame everybody but yourself . God forbid the words I'm sorry ever spew from your fucking mouth . Half the shit you've done to me in the past two days renders an apology . Is that what you want ? An apology ? Well , I'm sorry . I'm sorry . You're such a fucking cunt .
Speaker 2Oscar nominee Noah Peterson , is that how you apologize to Kirsten you better fucking stop bringing my wife's name into this . There hasn't been a thought in your mind that your wife got revenge , what you know ? I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if there was another man's baby brewing in her belly right fucking now . Fuck , dude , I'm sorry , I didn't mean it . I was crossing the line . Seriously , dude , I'm sorry . I was getting pretty heated and I was just trying to get under your skin . That's it . I didn't mean anything .
Speaker 2That fucking harmonica , whoa , jesus Christ . What the fuck are you doing , dude ? Slow the fuck down . God damn it , noah . Are you trying to fucking kill us ? Whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa . Dammit , noah , are you trying to fucking kill us ? Woah , woah , woah , woah , woah , jesus Christ , you're gonna give me a heart attack . Fuck it out of the fucking truck . What the hell are you doing , you , nut bar ? I said I was sorry . Get out of the fucking truck , you little bitch Shit . I really pissed him off . Are you serious ? The lock ? You're a lot dumber than I fucking thought . Shit , I really pissed him off . Get the fuck out . Fuck , dude , seatbelt . Fuck . Say , get up . You want to be a fucking tough guy ? Get the fuck out . I'm not gonna fight you , noah , hit me pussy . Noah , stop Hit me . You are a fucking psychopath . You wanna see fucking crazy . You fucking cunt Fucking . Stop , just let me hit you . Come here , you fucking baby , stand still Fucking headlock . You fucking pussy , are you done ? Fuck you . You need to calm down .
Speaker 1I'm gonna fucking kill you when you let go . How ?
Speaker 2about now , uncle , uncle , big man had too much . You're tapping now . Do you see what happens when you lose your temper ? I didn't want to do this asshole . Why do you have to solve everything with fucking confrontation ? You bitch and moan about everything , but look where it gets you , motherfucker . I see it . Get you a shot to the dick . I'm done . I've had it with you this trip . This fucking truck . I'm fucking out . I'm going home .
Speaker 2Good luck with your fragile masculinity and a broken nose . Bitch . Go right ahead , fucking , leave . Nobody fucking wants you there anyway .
Speaker 2You've been a coward your entire life . Why should Dad's funeral be any different ? Run away like you always do . Abandon us all . That's what you're fucking good at . Abandon you .
Speaker 2I left to get my head clear . I spoke to Dad every fucking day after I left . Bullshit . You left to fill your own selfish fucking fantasies . It's the truth .
Speaker 2Mom's death fucking destroyed me . She was my world , dude . I couldn't fucking take it being in the same city . She died in Everything she taught me about life , about women . She was my fucking mother . Oh , fuck off . You barely said a word at her fucking funeral . It's like you couldn't fucking be bothered . Seeing her put in the ground destroyed me in ways I can't even put into words , noah . It fucking destroyed me .
Speaker 2I had a breakdown that involved a shitload of whiskey and thinking about blowing my fucking brains out . I wanted to get far away from anything that reminded me of who she was and I just I had to jump ship . She was my mother , too , and I was going through the exact same thing , and the only person I felt would get what I was going through abandoned me . He just fucking vanished . Dad was there , but he was going through his own loss with the love of his life . I needed my goddamn brother , the only goddamn person that would fucking understand my plight . And you laugh . You could have called you , fucking idiot . You think Dad's funeral is any different ? I needed my goddamn brother , and you refused to go .
Speaker 2How do you think I feel I can't bury another parent ? Not after Mom , not after how it obliterated me . Why the fuck do you think I came to get you ? You honestly think I can do this alone ? Fuck you and your goddamn ego , afraid of how it's gonna make you feel .
Speaker 2What about how I feel , noah ? You aren't the only one hurting . I'm fucking dying on the inside . Our father is dead . He's fucking dead . There is nothing either of us can do to change that . I can't just come back with a smile on my face and shake hands with dad's old pals .
Speaker 2The world is crumbling around me and I don't know what the fuck to do . Bitch , I have kids coming into this world in a few weeks , so I'm about to be a dad , and the only person I knew who would come show me how to be a good father is fucking dead . I'm fucking scared , isaac . Oh , come on , don't try to guilt trip me with this shit . Guilt trip you , motherfucker . I have a wife that is dealing with all of this bullshit on top of being pregnant . I have to comfort her and suck up my feelings , because the moment I break down , the whole entire ship goes down . Now I'm fucking losing it because of you and I'm afraid I may not be the man I need to be for my fucking family . How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do with my life , with my son's life ? I have no idea what to do and I just need my god damn brother Get up . I don't need your help , just get in the fucking truck . I'll need your help . Just get in the fucking truck .
Speaker 1The Gentle Art of Making Enemies , written and directed by Ben Gaddafi , starring Tim Welsh , ben Gaddafi , samantha Johnson , wren Soren , katie Lee Rumpf , tessa Thompson , alexander Hamilton , ryan Rumpff , nick Vodica , jason Flynn .