Ep3: The Werewolves take Edinburgh Part 1 (Sleepier version)

Episode 3. Same story as Episode 2 but (hopefully) sleepier music concept. Let me know if you like this or the Ep 2 version better. 

It’s the year 2125 and Edinburgh is being targeted by mysterious Werewolf invaders! The City has been isolated and now it’s residents must fightback with whatever they have to hand. Whether that’s the pistol in Helen’s handbag, or the missile-firing cyber-tech everyone has ready access to. Join Major Gordon Ramsay as he leads the resistance in Part One of this epic new serial!

Please subscribe to our YouTube channel @TwistedSleepStories. And use the comments to send story feedback, we're starting out so every follow helps! Thanks for the support. Donald. 

Chapters

• 0:43 Thomas Edison and Lizzie
• 4:21 Charles Manson, Lizzie Pt 2
• 8:22 Gordon Ramsey, Jodie Foster
• 13:28 Lizzie Pt 3, Jodie Foster Pt 2
• 18:21 Lizzie tends to Carl then meets Gordon
• 23:13 Shield Detonation and the End of Part One

Transcript

Hello my name’s Donald, and tonight, we’ll journey to my home town Edinburgh, in a story set one hundred years from now. But, please be warned, this story is intended for adults, as it contains violence, unrealistic technology and swearing. Now, let’s begin our tale: “The Werewolves take Edinburgh, Part One”. 

Your name is Thomas Edison, you’re twenty four years old. You live in Bruntsfield, Edinburgh. By day you develop cyber-implants, for Marks and Spencer. They’re a well-known technology firm, formed in twenty seventy two. When you get home, you scan the news on your EYES, that’s E.Y.E.S - Eye Enhancement System, abbreviated strangely. The Optic-interface tells you; peace has been declared in France, the girl guides have reached the moon, and there are reports of hairy men, having seizures. 

But you want to relax, so you put your EYES on the coffee table, and turn on the holo-box instead. You fancy a few games, of Deadliest Combat ten. Between rounds, you gently fondle your NUTS. That’s: Neural Unit, for Testicular Support; N.U.T.S. a new type of implant. The eff-twelves are a budget model. But Which magazine said they provide decent functionality, as well as comfortable housing, for your balls. They certainly make you feel confident, you’re on a winning streak. But suddenly the left nut jumps, and taps your leg. It senses something. But you threw away the instructions, after finding the massage setting. Too late you realise, there’s a werewolf behind you. And as you die you wonder, should I have paid for better motion detectors, in my NUTS? 

Now you’re a forty three year old lawyer, called Lizzie. It’s eight p.m, but a bunch of you are still working a case, because Hairy Jeremy suggested it. You’re doubly angry because, he’s not technically your manager, and you’re late to meet a friend. Your work EYES flicker, the document you are working on, blinks in and out. You curse the company energy policy. But behind you, a ball of lightning coalesces. You turn, just as a werewolf appears. It comes snarling at you. 

But this is exactly why, you invested in a top of the range  Tech-bra Integrated Threat repellent System, silent ‘b’, silent ‘r’. You got these Barrett nine hundreds three years ago, and you already christened the flamethrower; Clare. She’s auto-deployed and a cone of bright flame greets the Werewolf’s face. His coat quickly catches, and he runs around screaming. The noise attracts your co-workers, led by Hairy Jeremy.  Before thinking, he blurts for you to keep the noise down. And it takes every ounce of your strength, not to burn him then and there. 

Now your name is Charles Manson. You’re sixty years old, and you watch the news. You’re well aware there’s a werewolf invasion. And you also know, what the latest genital technology is capable of. That’s why you’re the proud owner, of a shiny new pair, of Marks and Spencer Titans. You’re anxious to show your girlfriend, so they’re not fully charged. But she only lives round the corner, and you’ve got excellent LEGS. That’s Leg Extension Gearing System. One of the earliest kinds of prosthetic tech.  

You’re walking on London road, at around twenty miles per hour. Your Left Titan shows a map, with dots marking people, and red squares marking werewolves. You’ve already avoided three. You’re nearly at Mindy’s flat on Leith Walk, and there’s only an elderly couple out walking. Too late, you see it’s actually a werewolf, on a scooter. Your NUTS Alert Centre must be confused, by it’s helmet. You scream ‘activate’ at the right weapon bollock, but it does not respond. And as you die, you wonder, should I have gone out, before fully charging my NUTS?

Now you’re Lizzie again, on the second floor, of McCartney, Bowie and Swift, lawyers esquire. Helen finished off the werewolf, with a pistol she had in her handbag. Now you’re checking your EYES. They’re showing news from an hour ago, and nothing, on a Government response. Hairy Jeremy is in a corner, tied up. Due to a lack of clarity, where the wolves are coming from. You’ve locked the doors, now you’re gathered round a whiteboard, deciding what to do. You list the group’s weapons. 

There’s Helen’s pistol, then your Threat Repellent System - low on napalm, but lightning shield charged. Twelve rockets, and a best-in-class threat detector, you call Sandra. [Correction needs picked up Carl and J-P to be swapped] Jean-Pierre has no tech except his Work EYES but keeps a shotgun in his desk. Carl only has bottom of the range NUTS - the unarmed eff-twelves. Unsurprisingly, Hairy Jeremy had nothing of use. He asks how many people call him Hairy Jeremy, so you gag him and refocus the group. 

That just leaves Yacine, she had no weapons but a great pair of LEGS. You ask how many people they carry? She says they’re a family model, so four. But she left the ARSE at home, so that’s it unless we carry one by hand. Jean-Pierre says “Surely we just wait. Legend has it werewolves are people by day?.“ Carl says; do you remember the Vampire uprising in Burnley? They cut the town off, morning never came. You say exactly. Does anyone believe morning ends this? And one by one, they shake their heads. You say ‘There’s no food in this building’. So the question is how far can we get, on a single pair of LEGS, with just cover, from Helen’s pistol, Carl’s shotgun and my TITS? 

Now your name is Gordon Ramsey, you’re thirty five years old, a Major in the Royal marines. You were at home in Marchmont, when a werewolf teleported in, and you killed it, with cutlery. There’s a communications blackout, so you’re on the street, looking for transport, to H.Q.. You’re wearing a pair of Titans, fully charged. You’ve read all the instructions, and even upgraded, with fur-seeking missiles. It’s nine p.m., you’re walking near the Meadows. You’ve smoked two wolves, with the lightning ray. You’re perfectly relaxed. You’re more worried about meeting someone in a fur coat, than you are a werewolf. 

Two more red squares appear on your Alert Centre, closing in fast. Luckily the lightning ray has recharged, so you cock your right bollock and wait. But the wolves use a parked car, for cover. Then activate tech of their own, each is now surrounded by a protective forcefield emanating from neck-based technology, you’re not familiar with. The Wolves are circling, one in each direction. When a third red square appears, closer than both. It’s coming down an alley, next to a Boots Chemist, on your right. You move left, but the new wolf is almost on you, it’s moving so fast it might have LEGS. You’re trapped, if you face any werewolf you’ll have one behind you. 

You’re considering breaking into Boots, when a voice shouts “Steve Coogan to the rescue!”. And a man zooms past on a hoverboard, deftly dropping two grenades and stripping the shields, from the first two wolves. Lightning arcs from your right Titan, eliminating both. But crisping the hero Coogan, in the process. You scream “Nooo!” and loose all your fury on the third wolf; first a missile takes his shield, then the last of your lightning jolts him upright. Before you jump on him, and punch him to death. “Why, why, why, why?” You say.  Then you go up to Coogan’s body, check his wallet: Stefan Cuigan, of Sweden. Tears come, if only you’d had better targeting. It’s clear; if you’re going to stop this invasion, you need military grade NUTS.  

Now your name is Jody Foster, you’re forty six years old, you’re a language professor at Edinburgh University. You went to Private school in Shropshire and you’ve got great arms, cause you use the staff gym facilities. You invested in great legs, by valuing leg day. But it’s your tits, that are really superb. And they fit snugly, inside your Tech-bra Integrated Threat repellent System, which you prefer to see abbreviated to simply “Tech-Bra”. And luckily you wore yours, to work. Along with a pair of fully charged Titans, because you eschew gender norms. 

When the werewolves came, you were watching a production of Grease, in the George Square lecture theatre. Tech was supposed to be checked at the door, but you arrived late; as the first wolves teleported in. You weren’t alone in fighting back; luckily a group of Nuns, from Burnley, had learned never to be unarmed. Twenty fully charged Tech-Bras, the wolves barely stood a chance. You’ve secured the theatre now and, as the others retrieve their tech, you’re surveying George Square with the Mother Superior. Werewolves are everywhere, glowing collars visible. And streams of human prisoners, are being led from every building. 

Suddenly you realise, the University Library, Banham Tower; all the major buildings of the square, had events requiring people to give up tech. You tell the Mother Superior you think it was a trap. “No shit if it weren’t for our TITS I don’t know where we’d be.” I prefer the term ‘Tech-Bra’ you say. ‘well my TITS have seen me through a war’ she says, ‘Chloe looked a Vampire right in the eyes and told him to fook off.’ She’s indicating her right bra cup. Until now you’ve always disliked women who name their Tech-bra components, but it’s hard not to admire the Mother Superior. “I’m Jody Foster”, you say, what’s your name?” “Cher” she says ”pleased to meet ye.”

Now you’re Lizzie again, the group is at stalemate. Carl and Helen want to stay, wait for help. You and Jean-Pierre want to head for your friend Rachel’s. It’s not far, and she has amazing tech. Yacine can’t decide, and no one asked Jeremy. They’re whiteboarding a new list of pros and cons, when a banging starts on the doors. You yell at the others, Sandra says there’s a mob of wolves outside. We need to move up the building. Helen says; “There’s a process, for changing the agenda.” 

Then two werewolves burst through a side door, their collars glow red and a laser hits Carl. He screams and falls, dropping his shotgun. You loose two rockets, and shout at Helen “we need to work in a more agile fashion”. You obliterate one wolf, but the other activates his shield in time. Helen says “we should organise a daily stand-up”, then fires two bullets - but they’re no match for the shield. The Werewolf closes in, you grab the shotgun and cock it right at his crotch. “Paging Doctor Pain” you say before firing straight at his sacred area. Instinctively he loads all shield energy there, and you quickly aim a second shot at his chest. He’s blown backwards, shield removed. And you eliminate him with another rocket. “Men and their bollocks” you laugh, and Yacine joins in. But you soon stop, Carl is wounded - and there’s still a werewolf mob outside the main doors. “We need to go” you say, “Fetch the medkit from the coffee area, and release Jeremy.” “Are you mad?” says Helen, “he could kill us all”. But you’ve already untied him, “don’t let me down dogman” you say, and he smiles “Thank you for believing in me, I’m sorry I raised a couple of points in your annual review” “You fucking what!?” You say. But the banging at the main door intensifies, the wolves are nearly through. 

Now you’re Jody Foster again. One of the cast members from Grease has come over, he’s wearing his tech, but is still in costume, as Danny. He introduces himself to you and the nuns as Matt Damon, a part time actor working in military intelligence. He’s getting intermittent information on his EYES. Edinburgh is encased in some kind of shield, resistance is focussed around an Army Base north of Portobello beach. You say “then to get to the base we have to cross the centre of town, which is likely full of werewolves. Or go all the way round Arthur’s Seat, through Niddrie, which is likely full of the people who live there. I vote for the Town Centre” you say, but Cher disagrees.  “we’re too large a group, there must be two ‘undred people in ‘ere. I say a group leads a distraction while the others, head out south - then round to Niddrie.” The others agree, you’re outvoted. 

“I’ll lead the distraction”, says Matt Damon, I’m the only military personnel. Another man approaches; “I’m Paul, I’m technically Navy, but I only work the gift shop. Matt says, ‘I can see your NUTS, but have you got any balls?’ Paul starts crying. You say “Can you just calm down. No one is obliged, I’m happy to go”. Cher says “me and the girls are practically military, we’ll come wi’ ye Matt”, and he nods, but then she turns to you; “but there’s no place on a suicide mission for a girl like you. Getting through Niddrie on a Friday night’s enough of a challenge for you.” And you say, “first of all Cher, I smoked those first two wolves before you’d even got your TITS out. I guess you forgot. And second, I know where the Gardeners keep their work LEGS, so it doesn’t have to be a suicide mission, we could escape.“ “I thought you preferred the term ‘Tech-Bra’” says Cher. “Well maybe it’s taken a war to make me realise, it’s actions, not words, that speak loudest.” you say. “That’s the spirit lass. You’re in. Matt you and Paul take the civilians across Niddrie. From the stories I’ve heard; God help you.” you say “We need to tell the others the plan.” 

Now you’re Lizzie and the other lawyers, tending to Carl, on the roof of your office. You used four rockets to collapse the stair case, and used Carl’s NUTS to short the Elevators. But the building is filled with werewolves, and you can hear digging technology in the stair-well. Carl’s face is burned, he looks like an un-masked Phantom of the opera. “Leave me” he says, “we’re six, and Yacine’s LEGS only take five anyway”. And you say “Carl weathers, you clearly don’t know me. You think I use a hoverboard? I’m a professional - obviously my TITS have wings. Now suck on this med-kit, we don’t have much time.” And Yacine smiles; “you upgraded. God I wish my Barretts weren’t charging at home, but then again perhaps my husband is wearing them“. “Let’s hope so” you say.

 “If we can get to Rachel’s she should have TITS for you and Helen.” “I’d gladly take a pair” says Jean-Pierre, “me too” says Carl. And you say “don’t worry, if we can only get there, Rachel has got TITS for everyone.” Helen says she prefers the term ‘Tech-Bra’. “Will she have a bra for me?” Says Hairy Jeremy. You say; “I don’t know I guess we’ll REVIEW once we’re there won’t we?” Then Carl says “I feel much better, I’m ready to go”. And you all turn to Yacine. But she’s got a problem with her LEGS, they won’t start.  Suddenly, the stairwell rubble explodes, and a werewolf ten feet tall emerges.

Now you’re Major Gordon Ramsay again, you’re flying on Stefan’s hoverboard. You’ve been helping people, you’ve bagged twenty more wolves, and only one rich lady. The fox in her shawl, had it’s final revenge, and ate a fur-seeking missile. You’re passing some offices with people on the roof, they seem to be having trouble starting a pair of legs. And, as you watch, an enormous werewolf bursts from the stairwell rubble. It’s got an electronic harness and tech hand-claws, perfect for digging. And killing. You immediately swerve and dive for the roof. 

Now you’re Lizzie again. Four normal sized werewolves have quickly followed the monster, their shields already up. You know Jean-Pierre only has two shotgun shells, Helen one pistol clip. As you watch machine gun turrets expand from the Werewolves tech-collars. Everyone dives for cover as they start firing. You’re about to try and surrender, when six missiles streak from your left. The first two hit the stairwell, collapsing it again, the other four strip the shields from the machine gun firing wolves, who stop to reload. 

“Now” you yell, loosing your last rockets and emptying Clare. You take two wolves, Jean-Pierre shotguns a third, Helen empties her clip to kill the fourth machine-gun wielding wolf. But the monster has grabbed Carl, it lifts him up and pulls his arm off. Then waves it around triumphantly. Lightning arcs from your right, it’s your missile firing friend  again. You’ve never been so glad to see a pair of NUTS in your life.  The monster is knocked off it’s feet, dropping Carl, and his arm. “Major Gordon Ramsey, at your service” says your hero, landing his hoverboard and running to Carl. He pulls some kind of tech-syringe from his jacket pocket. “Elizabeth Taylor” you say “what’s that?” “Benefits of being military” says the Major, and injects Carl. But before he can explain further - there’s a roar, the monster is getting up!

And worse, his tech-harness has absorbed the Major’s lightning, and now fires it back at him! The Major dives out of the way just in time, to avoid the ball of crackling energy. “You got any rockets?” He yells. “No” you yell back. “I’m out of missiles!” he replies. Suddenly the giant werewolf stops, then makes a gruff rumbling noise, it might be laughter. It presses a button in its COLAR and the barks become speech: “thanks for the update, snack children”. Then it blasts the air vent covering Jean-Pierre, and pounces. But, quick as a frenchman, he slips out of the way. Then runs. 

“Lizzie!” yells the Major, “do you know what a full shield detonation is!?”. Oh god, you saw a thing on the news - about some irresponsible kids in Newcastle. The monster slashes Jean-Pierre’s calf, bringing him down. Laughing again, it turns to Helen. You remember the Major’s lightning ray, and know what he has in mind “Um yes I think so”, you shout back. You activate the lightning shield; a forcefield of crackling blue energy now surrounds you. You crank it to full beans, and loosen your bra straps. “You ready Major!?” You yell. But the monster has grabbed Helen, and is using her as a human shield. You step from cover, the Werewolf speaks again “come any closer, and I’ll snap her neck”. Stalemate. The silence is broken by slow hand clapping, it’s Hairy Jeremy. Apparently he has something to say. 

“I was told of your coming, I’m Jeremy. I became one of you last month, in preparation” he says. “I knew it!” Says Helen “we should’ve killed you when we had the chance!”. “Yes” says Jeremy. “Where’s your COLAR?” says the monster wolf. “The advanced party had to operate without them” says Jeremy, “You lie, show me proof” says the wolf. “my tech is affected by the blackout.” says Jeremy “But I have a print out of the orders here.” and he holds out a sheet of A-four paper. Confused the Giant wolf reaches for it , but as he does Jeremy grabs his tech-claw, there’s a flash of energy - and the monster yells in pain, releasing Helen. “Now Lizzie!” yells Jeremy, dragging Helen out of the way. He’s cleared the path, you run straight at the monster wolf. 

Now you’re Major Gordon, your right Titan is crackling with energy. Lizzie comes running past yelling “Paging Doctor Pain!”. The monster wolf turns towards her and raises both claws, ready to bring them smashing down. Lightning arcs from your bollock again - striking the werewolf square in the chest, just as Lizzie rams the overloaded control unit into the shield from the inside. Everything goes white. 

You’re still Major Gordon, your hearing and sight are recovering from the sonic boom. The roof has part collapsed. The monster wolf is dead, a smoking ruin. You run to the explosion centre; Lizzie is there, singed from head to toe, but alive - her clothes are burning and she’s unconscious. As you, Helen and Yacine quickly strip her, and apply your last basic med-kit - Jean-Pierre asks: “How is she not dead?”. “the detonation projects the shield energy out” you say, “then you focus it with an outside energy stream, the kids used hot-wired ELBOWS, we used my lightning ray. But Jeremy how did you get him to release Helen?”. Jeremy holds up his hand, of course - he had a THUMB. 

Lizzie starts coughing and moaning, she’s coming round. “Well done, that was a hell of a move” you say “How are you feeling?”. “Like shit” she says, “But nothing’s broken. We need to get to Rachel’s, she’s got lots of tech - and she’s only about six blocks away”. “Sounds good” you say, “Let’s get these LEGS working, and since your TITS are fried, you’ll have to ride the hoverboard with me.” and you smile at her.  

Now you’re Lizzie again, suddenly the Major looks like a block of cheese. And momma wants fondue. 

Now you’re Thomas Edison again. You’re covered in your blood, but you are not dead. In fact, you’ve never felt so alive. You begin to change, first claws appear. Then hair bursts through your clothing. Naked, a seven foot werewolf - you howl at the moon. Then you notice, on the coffee table, a COLAR - which you suddenly know means Computerized Over-neck Lifestyle Adjustment Relay. The COLAR has a note with it; “welcome to the club; your new name is ‘Barney’”. You snap the COLAR  round your neck. But that’s a story for another time. 

This is Donald McSnooze signing off. Please be nice to each other, and don’t fret about werewolves. Good night, wherever you are.