All humans crave control in their lives, especially in volatile times. This week, Lisa and Brad explore just how little control we really have and discuss strategies for dealing with this uncertainty.
Ever wondered why we constantly crave control, even when life continually proves how unpredictable it can be? Buckle up for a profound exploration into the 'illusion of control' that we're all subconsciously wired to believe. We dissect our deep-seated need for control, tracing it back to our ancestors who sought to control their environment, leading to the birth of various superstitions and religions. We dig deep into the paradox of control, discussing how our brains are designed to keep us safe but also how this can lead us to harbor false beliefs and create unnecessary stress in our lives.
But hold on, it's not all doom and gloom! We're diving into the liberating idea of 'letting go of control', highlighting the importance of acknowledging what's within our control and what's not. We share how this simple yet profound realization can invite peace and calm into our lives. From the power of mindfulness and meditation to the value of owning our reactions to life's unpredictable twists and turns, we're dropping truth bombs galore. So, tune in, open your mind, and prepare for a journey towards personal growth, acceptance, and a new perspective on control. Your life might just depend on it!
All humans crave control in their lives, especially in volatile times. This week, Lisa and Brad explore just how little control we really have and discuss strategies for dealing with this uncertainty.
Ever wondered why we constantly crave control, even when life continually proves how unpredictable it can be? Buckle up for a profound exploration into the 'illusion of control' that we're all subconsciously wired to believe. We dissect our deep-seated need for control, tracing it back to our ancestors who sought to control their environment, leading to the birth of various superstitions and religions. We dig deep into the paradox of control, discussing how our brains are designed to keep us safe but also how this can lead us to harbor false beliefs and create unnecessary stress in our lives.
But hold on, it's not all doom and gloom! We're diving into the liberating idea of 'letting go of control', highlighting the importance of acknowledging what's within our control and what's not. We share how this simple yet profound realization can invite peace and calm into our lives. From the power of mindfulness and meditation to the value of owning our reactions to life's unpredictable twists and turns, we're dropping truth bombs galore. So, tune in, open your mind, and prepare for a journey towards personal growth, acceptance, and a new perspective on control. Your life might just depend on it!
Hello and welcome to Just One Thing. I'm Brad Stearns, here with Lisa Stearns, and we're your hosts on this weekly exploration of simple ways to enhance your relationships, improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier. Now settle in while we discuss Just One Thing.
Speaker 2:
Good morning, good day, good afternoon, whatever time it is.
Speaker 2:
Welcome to the next episode of Just One Thing. Just One Thing is the podcast of Mindful Living Not Today. You can find us on Facebook at the Mindful Couple. We have a great supportive Facebook group that we'd love for you to join Mindful Living Today with Lisa and Brad, and we're also on Instagram as the Mindful Couple. Again, thank you for joining us this morning. Today we're going to talk about the illusion of control, and I was going to talk about how the weather plays havoc, because you can't control the weather, because our neighborhood picnic was rained out this past weekend.
Speaker 2:
But I have a better example of how you really don't have much control in this life, because this is, I think it's a first for us. This is a re-recording of this episode, which we'll try to cover the same stuff, but when I was all finished I realized I hadn't pushed the record button.
Speaker 2:
So I didn't have. Even though I've gone through tests of the microphones and I made sure all the clocks that we used to time ourselves were all set up and everything was ready to go, I evidently misclicked the record button, so all of the control that I thought I had was just an illusion.
Speaker 2:
And that's what I want to talk about this morning, about the desire that people have to control as much of their environment, their relationships themselves as they possibly can, and how much control you actually have, which is very, very little sometimes, almost not, and I think also we're going to touch on how that need for control is created. Sure.
Speaker 3:
How do you come about being a controlling person?
Speaker 2:
Well, and I think all of us want some degree of control in our lives. If you look back at our evolutionary ancestors, they had no control over the weather which impacted their hunting, their gathering, when they started growing crops over too much rain, too little rain would have very unpredictable, little control and so a lot of times, well, maybe if we sacrifice Jim, whatever spirits that sort of keep the rain coming will keep coming.
Speaker 2:
So a lot of superstitions, a lot of religions actually grew out of some desire to have control over what's going on in the environment, in the universe, in the environment, and it's a tough thing to realize you don't have as much control as you would like to have.
Speaker 3:
I think it's also tough to realize that you are controlling.
Speaker 2:
Well, let's talk a little bit about that. You have some experience with trying to be a I'll use the term a controlling person. What are the kinds of things that you try to assert control or you may not have it, or even just where do you try to be controlling.
Speaker 3:
I try to control my environment. So I feel like if things are in order, if things are planned I'm a big one for planner and organizing if things are planned and organized, they will go smoothly and then no one will be upset with me, no one will be angry with me, no one will be disappointed in me, and that comes from that started at a very, very early age and it, just once you establish that kind of pattern, it tends to multiply and multiply and multiply as you get older and I know you've always wanted to be able to control those relationships and I know from the stories you've told you were always looking for the rules of your family and how it interacted.
Speaker 3:
If I could, find the rules if.
Speaker 2:
I could follow the rules, my environment would be safe and calm, people would be calm. People would appreciate me. But you can never figure out the rules because they constantly change, and so I think that probably drove you to find more control in other aspects of your life Right?
Speaker 3:
Well, and you do develop as you said, it's a biological thing Our brains. They seek to keep us safe, and so we develop these false beliefs about what we can control that will make our life safe or better, easier. But they are false beliefs and they actually don't serve us.
Speaker 2:
You know, a case in point is a lot of people who have OCD obsessive compulsive disorder. They'll develop very look strange to us, unusual rituals to try to provide some control, like I need to step on every crack in the sidewalk, otherwise something horrible is going to happen to me or my family Right.
Speaker 2:
Fine, impact the environment at all. But in my brain I'm looking for something I need to do to create this control so that I'll be safe, my Family will be safe, whatever. And so you know you're trying to exert control where you know you really don't have control over if you're gonna be healthy, if you're gonna die, if you're gonna get hit by a car, those kinds of things, and so and you control people, like you or not.
Speaker 3:
You know I mean those kind of things are. You just do the best you can and you bring.
Speaker 2:
And I think. I think, though, and I think the less control you have in your life, the more you seek, you know, opportunities to try to control something, and I know, and I know for me. You know, and I look at my go back on my career when I was working, when I, when I started out, you know if I worked hard, if I showed people how smart I was, if I wrote a great paper, you know I was recognized, I got rewards, I got promoted, I was going bing, bing, bing right up the chain, but as I got, you know, higher into management, the, the certainty of what was the outcomes were going to be got less and less able to predict. There was more politics. There was more uncertainty with funding, with Congress along the lot, more oversight. You had to develop more allies.
Speaker 2:
You had to keep them to make your projects work and became less and less certain right and so you know, I know in my own mind, just I didn't realize it at the time but as I, as my career became more and more uncertain and the and the project I was working on became more and more certain in terms of the success, that they might bring right. I tend to. I tend to turn towards my own fitness.
Speaker 3:
Self-regulation self-regulation.
Speaker 2:
I can control what I eat, I can control when I exercise, I can control what I weigh and how my muscles develop, etc. So I became more and more dependent on my fitness routines as my career and those kinds of things became less and less Controllable, and so I was compensating and trying to find a way, you know, to at least control something in environment. And it got to the point what actually became a problem? And I was so strict and so compulsive about my fitness routines that it impacted negatively our relationship, my relationship with the kids, my Availability to do things, my and my own ability to enjoy myself exactly you know.
Speaker 2:
I was, I was. I became just like an old person with, you know, clinical OCD. I became a prisoner to these rituals that I had put together, to what I thought ostensibly was to improve my fitness and wellness, but in reality it was making me more and more psychologically unhealthy right and Confined very restricted. Yeah, and it was. You know. It became a problem just in that terms of seeking, seeking, control right, all right.
Speaker 3:
So what? What did you? What do you feel was a pivotal point where you said you know what this is, I Get it, I get it. There's something that's out of balance.
Speaker 2:
Well, I don't think I would have ever found it on my own, okay, but I think the fact that you were unhappy, you saw it like what is making me unhappy, and you know it's like it's Brad and his stupid rituals, and so you pointed out to me. You know, you know you are a prisoner of these, these habits, even though ostensibly they're healthy. You're a prisoner of these. You are not happy with all of these things that you have to do, because and here's a good key test If you're uncomfortable Stopping or trying to stop some of these rituals that you've created and it causes you discomfort or angst or anxiety, you know it's probably not a healthy thing.
Speaker 2:
And so if I tried to cut back on my exercise, if I tried to, you know, be less, be more relaxed on my eating, it made me very, very uncomfortable. But you had to constantly point that out and it took me a long time to realize I am a prisoner to these things. They're not necessarily making me healthier, they're making me less happy, they're making me more anxious and they're they're not good for me and and so you know it just took a while before that finally sunk in. I don't really think I could did it until I was retired and had you know, I didn't have to worry about control at work as much anymore. Like you know, I need to step back from all this stuff that I'm doing, that I feel compelled to do and think about is it really serving me and my and my healthy and my happy isn't making me more fit or not? And so it wasn't. Until you know, I really struggled with that for many, many years before I could start making positive changes.
Speaker 2:
Right right and, and the way that I went about it is I had to just kind of experiment and say, well, let's just like the OCD person I talked about. Well, let's see if I don't step on the cracks today, if my family is safe when I get home. You know, probably they are. And so I cut back a little bit on my exercise. I got a little more relaxed with my eating, one of my extra beer and ice cream diet, and the world did not fall apart. I stayed just as fit.
Speaker 2:
I stayed just as you know true healthy, just as healthy and mentally much more healthier because I wasn't a prisoner to these compulsive behaviors that I tried to pursue in the illusion of controlling my life.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, so for me I think, like I mentioned, my control issue came to try and make my relationships go more smoothly and my interactions with people go more smoothly, was it?
Speaker 2:
any specific incident that sort of said, oh I really can't control these things, and how did you go about trying to? How did you realize that you were controlling things that you probably couldn't control and how did you sort of step back from?
Speaker 3:
that I would say I still have a lot of work to do in this area. But I think one of the first recognitions was just you have those pivotal moments when whatever whether it's something you're doing, saying, having whatever just becomes too much. It's just too hard to go forward. And I think once my, when my mom passed, my family dynamic just became such that I basically shut down.
Speaker 3:
I was like I can't go any further being the me that I have been, and at that point I wasn't really sure how to be a new me. But I knew that the old me, just I just simply could not function in that capacity anymore. And so, you know, I sought out ways to think better of myself, to put myself forward, to stop looking for external reward and gratification, to constantly be liked or be approved of or keep people from being upset. You know, I had to. Just like you said, I had to be comfortable with the fact that it was going to be uncomfortable when I knew I was going to say something or have to tell somebody, or have to do something that somebody was not going to like and just remind myself.
Speaker 3:
You know what I thought this through. I'm not making a decision that's purposefully unkind to someone or and this is just the decision is for me, but I can't control how they're going to feel about me, but I can't control how they're going to feel about me Exactly.
Speaker 2:
Well, you know when you think about it. You know we talked about the weather. You can't really control the weather. You really can't control how people are going to think about you other than being, you know, friendly and outgoing as much as you can.
Speaker 2:
You know it goes back to all of the sages from all of the different philosophies and religions. They're really the only thing that you can control. I would say you can control your emotions, but that's not true. Those emotions are going to arise. All you can really do and hopefully is recognize what's going on in your head and choose how you're going to react to that. The only thing that you can really control is your reaction to what's going on in the world, absolutely.
Speaker 2:
And that in itself is very difficult, you know, if you're overcome by powerful emotions of sadness, jealousy, rage. It's hard to control that. But I think one of the things that mindfulness, particularly meditation, does is it allows you that pause which we've talked about, to say, okay, I can't control what's going on in the world. I can't control if Jim or Jill is going to like me. I can't control that it rained. I feel the sadness or anger or frustration arising or anxiety. Now, because of the tools that I've used, I have a small pause where I can say, okay, how am I going to behave?
Speaker 3:
How am I going to act?
Speaker 2:
in light of all of these things that I can't control, that's. The only thing you can consistently control is how you behave, how you react and how you act in the face of all of the things that are happening in the world.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, the only thing you can really do is try to recognize when you're getting into that habituated pattern, and this is not easy, that's what I was going to do.
Speaker 2:
This is not an easy thing to do.
Speaker 3:
The first thing is recognizing, like Brad said before, if I feel like I have to do something and I decide not to do it, and if I'm feeling really, really uncomfortable about that, that's a good indication that this is a time for me to stop and take a pause and say OK, wait a minute.
Speaker 3:
If I know this is going to happen anyway, somebody's going to be unhappy with me. I can't control what's happening at work. What can I do in this moment, with these feelings that I'm having to move forward to create a better life?
Speaker 1:
and a better me.
Speaker 2:
And that's really all you can do and that's as you said. It's not natural, it's not easy Giving up control of things that are outside you. Certainly, you can practice for your presentation. Certainly you can make sure you have handouts if the projector fails. There are things that you can do to prepare, but you can't control everything, and I think that's all we're really saying here is the only thing you really can control is how do I react? Somebody stole all the handouts. The projector failed anyhow. Do I panic?
Speaker 3:
I'm going to make light of it. I can make light of it and say well, it looks like my handouts are gone, let's move forward from here.
Speaker 2:
And so, in light of all this, all of the little control that you do have, what would you urge people to do? Moving forward, what would be the just one thing that you would say there's this illusion of control. What do you do with that?
Speaker 3:
I think it's what we've hit on a couple of times. It's just choosing to recognize, to be aware, to raise your awareness. Where are there places that I have habituated behaviors that are causing either me anxiety or those around me anxiety?
Speaker 3:
So if you need the dishwasher stacked only a certain way for example, if you find you cannot miss a day at the gym, which was your thing. If you have to have the suitcase packed in a certain way, those kind of things if you recognize, if you can pause and say oh, wait a minute, you know what? If I didn't do this I would feel uncomfortable, just that recognition.
Speaker 2:
What are you trying to control?
Speaker 3:
Right, and does a messy suitcase really mean my vacation is going to be ruined, or my spouse is going to leave me home or whatever it is. It's just that recognizing. Where are those habituated patterns where I mistakenly think I have control?
Speaker 2:
Right, I would sort of jump on that and my just one thing is recognize that in this world, in this life, you really control very little. And then just that recognition and then trying to see where am I trying to control things that I really can't is a first step to figuring out how do I navigate this in a healthier way for me, the people around me, etc.
Speaker 3:
Very definitely. Okay, I think we could talk about this for days.
Speaker 2:
This is a great topic.
Speaker 3:
I think both of us. It hits home for both of us.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely so until next time. This has been Just.
