The need always be right has a negative impact on all of your relationships. This week, Lisa and Brad discuss this incessant need to be right, exploring why it is so harmful and examining ways, with awareness and practice, it can be overcome.
Imagine a recent evening spent with friends, laughter echoing around the room, until a dispute over a game rule brings a sudden chill. We've all been there, right? That's the springboard for our heartfelt discussion on why prioritizing harmony in our relationships can be more fulfilling than the relentless pursuit of proving oneself correct. We navigate the delicate balance of standing your ground versus embracing peace for the collective happiness, all while sharing relatable anecdotes and a dose of self-reflection. Join us as we uncover the hidden costs of the 'I'm right' syndrome and discover strategies for fostering healthier, more trusting connections.
As we peel back the layers of our need for control, we encounter the pivotal role of humility. Disagreements, especially over the little things, can add unnecessary weight to our closest bonds. We probe into how a simple catchphrase can serve as a powerful tool to combat the urge to assert dominance through being right. Without shying away from our vulnerabilities, we candidly discuss embracing our imperfections and the transformative power this can have on our relationships. Tune in for an episode that promises introspection and perhaps, a gentle nudge towards a more respectful and harmonious way of living.
The need always be right has a negative impact on all of your relationships. This week, Lisa and Brad discuss this incessant need to be right, exploring why it is so harmful and examining ways, with awareness and practice, it can be overcome.
Imagine a recent evening spent with friends, laughter echoing around the room, until a dispute over a game rule brings a sudden chill. We've all been there, right? That's the springboard for our heartfelt discussion on why prioritizing harmony in our relationships can be more fulfilling than the relentless pursuit of proving oneself correct. We navigate the delicate balance of standing your ground versus embracing peace for the collective happiness, all while sharing relatable anecdotes and a dose of self-reflection. Join us as we uncover the hidden costs of the 'I'm right' syndrome and discover strategies for fostering healthier, more trusting connections.
As we peel back the layers of our need for control, we encounter the pivotal role of humility. Disagreements, especially over the little things, can add unnecessary weight to our closest bonds. We probe into how a simple catchphrase can serve as a powerful tool to combat the urge to assert dominance through being right. Without shying away from our vulnerabilities, we candidly discuss embracing our imperfections and the transformative power this can have on our relationships. Tune in for an episode that promises introspection and perhaps, a gentle nudge towards a more respectful and harmonious way of living.
Hello and welcome to Just One Thing. I'm Brad Stearns, here with Lisa Stearns, and we're your hosts on this weekly exploration of simple ways to enhance your relationships, improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier. Now settle in while we discuss Just One Thing. Good morning, good day, I said good day. Welcome to the next episode of Just One Thing. Just One Thing is the podcast of MindfulLivingtoday. You can find us on Facebook as the Mindful Couple. We have a wonderful supportive Facebook group, mindful Living Today with Lisa and Brad. We're also on Instagram.
Speaker 2:
Do you know? You say that the same way every time.
Speaker 1:
I am very consistent. One of the things you've always loved about me is my consistency. Maybe I'm in a rut. Is there a difference? Maybe we'll talk about the difference between being in a rut and being consistent.
Speaker 2:
But that is not today's topic.
Speaker 1:
Today's topic is you don't have to be right. Many of us probably struggle with that. If somebody says something egregiously in error or it's not the way your memory perceives it, a lot of times you want to insist on like I'm right. So I guess this is something you wanted to talk about. I can talk at length about it, but what prompted you to say let's talk about you don't have to be right?
Speaker 2:
Well, I think this whole concept and I think most of us don't know that we are doing this, so I'm including myself in this, I'm including you know just, I think it's just.
Speaker 1:
Yes, you can include me in this.
Speaker 2:
I just think it's something that's easy to get you know. You get stuck in your mind that you know something to be black. Let's say this is the color black. I know what black is. And somebody says, no, it's red or orange or whatever and you're like but it's black.
Speaker 1:
And you're thinking to yourself you dag on dummy. Why can't you listen to me?
Speaker 2:
Yes, and I think that you know it causes a lot of discord in a relationship when you just have to get to the point that someone either acknowledges that you're right or you're both walking the right way.
Speaker 1:
Angry, because Oftentimes you see things differently, and I agree that the biggest impact of having to be right is on relationships, whether it's a friend, whether it's even an acquaintance or, primarily, you know your significant other is your kids, you know, your husband, your wife, partner, whatever you want to call that.
Speaker 1:
And I know there was a specific incident recently where we were reading the rules of a new game and it was an interpretation of what a set of something meant and I was insisting that it was one thing, you were insisting it was another. The rules really didn't help clarify that and I know I just like it's this. I just bullied you until you just kept insisting as a male might, loud and gruffly, and you finally just capitulated. I could tell the game was not the same. After that, you know it wasn't collegial it wasn't fun.
Speaker 1:
You know you felt bullied. And then I didn't feel good because I knew I had bullied you and I'm like why did I do that? Why did I insist on?
Speaker 2:
that, well, I think that you know. To me that's a great point because, really, and and not in this particular instance, because I don't, I don't think you need to. You've brought this up several times, like it's over and done with. Oh, but I but I think it, I just thought it was a great example. It is a great example, and I think especially in that instance. It's a game where you're supposed to be having fun. How could it possibly matter that?
Speaker 1:
much exactly.
Speaker 2:
You know, I mean it really, it's not that important and it really does.
Speaker 1:
And I think in most cases where you insist on being right and you argue the point or you bully the point, in most of those cases it doesn't really matter right, or it matters less than the health of the relationship exactly within which it takes place.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and you didn't change the other person's, so it's not like you're, it's not like you're winning. I think of the who's, the committee that we like that talks about that with the wife.
Speaker 1:
The Dana Carby no, no, no.
Speaker 2:
Where he wakes up in the morning, he's like. I thought about it all night and I know I've got this one, oh, shoot.
Speaker 1:
Oh, nate Bargay, it's a Nate Bargay.
Speaker 2:
See, yes, yes, and it's a phrase. What did she think it? The phrase was.
Speaker 1:
Might have been, I keep thinking of, like a doggy dog or one of those kinds of things oh.
Speaker 2:
No, it's one fell.
Speaker 1:
I convinced her and it was not a good day. I did not go to Disney, man.
Speaker 2:
I woke up in the morning and I was positive I had it right, so I had to bring it home one more time. It's like no, you didn't.
Speaker 1:
Yes, and we talked about a little bit yesterday, like we talked about this when does that come from, that need to be right? Well, sometimes I think it's because Something is obvious to you, right in terms of your interpretation and the kick this case rules, and in terms of that jet, that story, we, just like you do, know the meaning of the phrase right and somebody else's, I'll just say incorrect.
Speaker 2:
But does it really matter, right, and so why?
Speaker 1:
do you? I think you just insist like it needs to be correct, right, you want to have your world correct in order. So part of that maybe. Just I need a degree of control, and you know, in my world right where things like people aren't believing egregiously wrong things like like arguing with a flat earth person. Right, the earth is round. Do I need to convince them that it's? If they're a pilot, probably right, but in any other circumstance I don't really need to convince you that the earth is round.
Speaker 2:
Yes, and I think that goes along with that. I think, yeah, lost my thought, but but I? So here's the thing I think. I think it comes from and I'm an exact person I like. I like exact Part of the thing too. I think sometimes if I hear, let's say, a loved one, so it's someone that is, I feel, a reflection of me, and they are saying something like it's a doggy dog.
Speaker 1:
Oh, so like in a social context with other right?
Speaker 2:
You don't want someone that is associated with you to look stupid, so you want to correct them, because you don't want your wife walking around saying it's a doggy dog instead of versus dog eat dog, and I'm not really sure how to you know how to Fix. I'm doing quote mark, air quote mark. That my only thought is. You know. Would you mind if we looked it up?
Speaker 1:
because how do you like, if you think something is wrong, how do you go about Right, whether it's in a social context or you know just somebody on the street, and to me it's. You know, I like anytime you're you're, I'll use the term arguing or persuading. The first thing is to acknowledge the other person's point exactly, exactly. Well, that's very interesting. You know, I've not heard it that way, you know. I've heard it this way and this is you know where I heard it.
Speaker 1:
Let's let's see, you know, if we can find a sort of a source that we agree on. That says oh, this is what it really is, because it's you know, it's not ringing true in my head and I know it is in your right and it you know, I just I'm uncomfortable, you know, with that or something.
Speaker 2:
Right, well, that's kind of pushing the envelope. But I think the like you said, the first thing to me is acknowledging this is what this person truly believes, and I think the second can come from insecurity needing to argue.
Speaker 1:
Push your agenda right right.
Speaker 2:
Whether you're right or not, you know. You need that Somehow, that justification inside yourself that you are good enough, you are correct, you are smart enough. Whatever that driving force is why.
Speaker 1:
I was thinking, you know, along these lines on particularly a lot of couples who have been together for a long time when it comes to autobiographical kinds of events and things like that.
Speaker 2:
Yes, yes, there's even that song from Gigi about you. No, I was right, it was evening.
Speaker 1:
No, it was morning, and so sometimes those kinds of things cause a lot of disagreement, because there's a there's an uncomfortable feeling when somebody's remembering something that's different from your memory and so you want to sort of lay it out there like, oh no, your dress was blue. I think I remember what color my dress was and the bottom line to go back to that it doesn't really remember you know it was a.
Speaker 1:
It was a beautiful memory. We had a great time right. It doesn't remember whether the dress doesn't matter, whether the dress was red or blue with this morning or evening right. We had a great time.
Speaker 2:
We fell in love right, you know we danced and it was one.
Speaker 1:
Can you move it from the specifics of you know what color the dress was to it's difficult, right, Because there is a degree of discomfort when something just like it feels, it feels Doesn't it in your brain when you hear something that's not Consistent with what your memory is or what you think your knowledge is it's hard to like hold that in a balance, right, let that be okay. I mean, maybe either explore it or just move on right. I know for us we watch a lot of old movies on television and you know, the people sometimes in this movie are 30 years younger than you see them in other movies. Right, and you think? I think that's Paul.
Speaker 2:
Newton right a little kid and I'm thinking no way that's Paul Newton and then.
Speaker 1:
So now with Google and stuff you can look it up, and so I used to argue yes, and I say oh well, that's, I don't see that.
Speaker 2:
Let's, let's see if we can find his credits and see if he was in, then like, oh my god, he absolutely was. I just, I just don't see that right.
Speaker 1:
So I think there are ways you can explore that without damaging the relationship and without saying no, you're just dead wrong, right, right, and I'm, you know. I often pride myself on my memory and my biographical memory, my ability to recognize faces and I'm you know, a lot of times I'm wrong which has helped me learn lessons in humility.
Speaker 1:
That's a lot of times you can recognize people way better than I can you know, it was it, you know humility is a good thing, yeah, particularly when you're talking about things that you disagree on, have different memories of different sources of knowledge on right, and that humility and that openness to explore it or just to let it go, it's so important in keeping the health of a relationship moving forward, and I think that's the way to look at it too.
Speaker 2:
You know initially is is is this worth losing my relationship over? And you don't think. When you're arguing about the color of address or how what a phrase is, you don't think of it in those terms. But if you add 20 of those a day together, absolutely now it's like, really like I like you don't respect my thoughts, my opinions, my knowledge, my value me.
Speaker 1:
It can be like an insidious, just like a little chipping away, chipping away at that relationship. Right, and I say again, it's hard to catch yourself right absolutely needing to be right in situations, right where it's really not that important. Yeah, or there's a way to explore. What is the? What is the the truth about?
Speaker 2:
this right, right and and maybe that's you know, to me it might be one of the first things once you get that feeling of discomfort. It is to have a have a catch phrase.
Speaker 2:
I love a catch phrase for this kind of stuff and rehearse it, rehearse it um, so that, so that you, you know, okay, I have this feeling there somebody's challenging a thought, a saying or whatever that I have. What can I say? That then stops me from getting into that. I'm right thing, and it may be something as simple as oops. I'm getting that feeling oh, yeah, just especially with a partner that you're you know. You see, all the time you're like whoops, wait a minute, I'm getting that. I'm right feeling.
Speaker 1:
I've got.
Speaker 2:
I've got that. I'm right feeling give me a moment, just give me a moment to kind of take a breath or whatever it is that I need to do so that I can move past that initial knee jerk reaction.
Speaker 1:
I've got to be right well, yeah, and I sometimes you know in the past like I wouldn't like visit, visually or audibly argue with you.
Speaker 2:
I'd like go over here to the side right up in Google okay, here's this guy's credits, and like ah see, that's you know, sydney Green Street that's not Orson. Welles.
Speaker 1:
Well, that's just just bad right bringing that up later, it's, it's like the likes um, it's just, it's a deal with that discomfort and like I'm not going to pursue it right, which is, you know, takes. It's like be you know, we talk a lot about being, with, experiencing discomfort just like play out and be comfortable right be comfortable with the discomfort and it doesn't matter and it helps to not bring that up other times.
Speaker 1:
You may want to explore, say you know, do you mind if we sort of like talk about this a little bit. See where if this really is Orson Welles versus Sydney. Green Street right.
Speaker 2:
A lot of you people don't even know who those people are, but they're old actors yeah, and I think if you, if you have that feeling like nanny, nanny, boo boo, yeah, back up and apologize, because you're, you're, you're way in at this point, you're nobody likes a gloating winner.
Speaker 1:
No, it's so damaging to any relationship, whether it's your, your spouse, your partner, your kids, anybody right just uh, that's just like not classy well, it's unnecessary you know it's really it's demeaning to the other person yes, and I think at the same point, look at why do.
Speaker 1:
Why do I need to rub somebody's face and a lot of times, depending on your upbringing and your, your schooling experiences, etc. You know that kind of gloating triumph was, was encouraged. Yes, you know, and that's just the way your peer group or your family even operate right but step back and say that's. That does not create a healthy Trusting relationship where we can be vulnerable and wrong with each other right and trusting to me is the big is.
Speaker 2:
the big key here, I think, is is if somebody's not acknowledging you all the time or insisting on being right and then rubbing your nose in it all the time, that there's a big loss of trust and value in that behavior.
Speaker 1:
Well, and I think it's been hard for me over the years to show my vulnerability when I'm wrong, when I'm weak, etc. But it really being that way with you strengthens our relationship so much better and it's hard. It is hard, and knowing that the goal is a strong relationship enables you to step back a little more easily and try to be right and powerful all the time.
Speaker 2:
Right. So if you had one thing, what would your one thing be?
Speaker 1:
I think it's to recognize that almost all of us are vulnerable to this I'm right syndrome and the and the and the need, and the desire and the need to respond in that way when you feel that discomfort, right that person saying something that's not how I remember or not what.
Speaker 2:
I know Right.
Speaker 1:
And just recognizing that we're all vulnerable to it. It is uncomfortable and it takes practice.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Speaker 1:
To sort of like, take a different course.
Speaker 2:
Right, right, and I think let's see what's what's mine that would be different than yours. I think you're just wrong. You know, let's go with. I think it's it.
Speaker 2:
Once you recognize that, wrecking to me with all the things we talk about, recognition is the first step, so it's always the first step traps, and all of us are vulnerable to exactly and, I think, recognizing that you're not wrong in having those feelings, yeah, the feelings, the feelings, even, maybe even the information, whatever it is, you're not that that initial experience is not wrong. But what can you do to have it's not wrong, but you can do better.
Speaker 2:
What can you do to have a different outcome from there? And to me it's have some kind of catchphrase. Whether you say it out loud or you say it in your mind, have some kind of catchphrase that gives you that extra moment of pause to say is this really something I need to drive home? Right, right, ok, well, this has been interesting. I love this topic.
