It's human nature to want to keep score and, at the same time, doing so is almost certainly damaging your relationships. This week, Lisa and Brad discuss how to recognize when you're keeping score, how to break the habit , and build better more trusting relationships.
Have you ever found yourself silently tallying who does more in your relationship? It's a battle I've fought too, and this week, we're peeling back the layers on the delicate topic of scorekeeping in partnerships. In a candid exploration, we delve into why this habit can be so corrosive, sharing personal stories that shed light on how an expectation mismatch can sow the seeds of resentment. We'll also discuss the often invisible contributions each partner makes and underscore the critical role of communication in recognizing and valuing these efforts.
Navigating the balance of chores and emotional labor can be like walking a tightrope, but it's a highwire act we're all too familiar with. This episode takes an honest look at how partners can fall into the trap of scorekeeping and the importance of establishing an equitable division of labor and emotional investment. We dissect how mutual understanding and adaptability can counteract the sneaky creep of inequality, ensuring that love isn't lost amidst the daily grind of reciprocal obligations. It's a conversation about the beauty of flexibility and patience in love's intricate dance.
Closing the discussion, we turn our attention to strategies for overcoming the tally mentality. From the wisdom of "Crucial Conversations," we extract tools for creating a "shared pool of meaning" with your partner, a concept that can revolutionize the way you align expectations. We'll guide you through the early signs of scorekeeping, the art of initiating transformative dialogues, and embracing a collective approach to fulfilling each other's needs. Join us for an episode that promises not just insights but actionable steps to building a stronger, more harmonious union.
It's human nature to want to keep score and, at the same time, doing so is almost certainly damaging your relationships. This week, Lisa and Brad discuss how to recognize when you're keeping score, how to break the habit , and build better more trusting relationships.
Have you ever found yourself silently tallying who does more in your relationship? It's a battle I've fought too, and this week, we're peeling back the layers on the delicate topic of scorekeeping in partnerships. In a candid exploration, we delve into why this habit can be so corrosive, sharing personal stories that shed light on how an expectation mismatch can sow the seeds of resentment. We'll also discuss the often invisible contributions each partner makes and underscore the critical role of communication in recognizing and valuing these efforts.
Navigating the balance of chores and emotional labor can be like walking a tightrope, but it's a highwire act we're all too familiar with. This episode takes an honest look at how partners can fall into the trap of scorekeeping and the importance of establishing an equitable division of labor and emotional investment. We dissect how mutual understanding and adaptability can counteract the sneaky creep of inequality, ensuring that love isn't lost amidst the daily grind of reciprocal obligations. It's a conversation about the beauty of flexibility and patience in love's intricate dance.
Closing the discussion, we turn our attention to strategies for overcoming the tally mentality. From the wisdom of "Crucial Conversations," we extract tools for creating a "shared pool of meaning" with your partner, a concept that can revolutionize the way you align expectations. We'll guide you through the early signs of scorekeeping, the art of initiating transformative dialogues, and embracing a collective approach to fulfilling each other's needs. Join us for an episode that promises not just insights but actionable steps to building a stronger, more harmonious union.
Hello and welcome to Just One Thing. I'm Brad Stearns, here with Lisa Stearns, and we're your hosts on this weekly exploration of simple ways to enhance your relationships, improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier. Now settle in while we discuss Just One Thing. Good day, good morning. Welcome to the next episode of Just One Thing. Just One Thing is the podcast of Mindful Living that Today you can find us on Facebook at the Mindful Couple. We have a great Facebook group, the Mindful Living.
Speaker 1:
Today, with Lisa and Brad, we're also on Instagram, and Lisa reminded me to ask each and every one of you if you enjoy this podcast, if you get something out of it. Please subscribe, whether you listen on Stitcher, spotify, apple Podcast, whatever your platform is, please go ahead and subscribe, because we appreciate that. We do appreciate that very, very much. This week, we are going to get back to something that relates to and helps you improve relationships, and the title of this one is going to be Don't Keep Score.
Speaker 1:
And it's really hard to do not keeping score because, basically, what you're doing is you're measuring the effort that you put into a relationship or a household compared to your partner, whoever that person may be, and it's difficult not to sort of weigh what you do, compare what the other person does and if your opinion, if you're doing way, way more it's hard not to get resentful to the person out angry.
Speaker 2:
whatever, hold the grudge.
Speaker 1:
I know this is something I've been wanting to talk about for a while. Not quite sure this will go. When I talk about don't keep score, is there anything, any incident, any other person's relationship that pops into your head on that particular topic?
Speaker 2:
You know, I would say not of the people that I know so much that are still married.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, Well, there you go. That's a key point right there.
Speaker 2:
But I see it a lot on. It's demonstrated a lot to me on television, yeah, In kind of unhealthy relationships and I just know there are so many times you know that my mind will go to, not now so much, but when life was hectic and we were younger and we had kids and you were working and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:
And particularly if you're doing very different things over the course of the day, it's hard to appreciate how things might weigh out in terms of one thing or another, and so you're keeping score in one area when the partner's contributing in another area. Right, and it's hard to. Maybe you don't see that, you're not recognizing kind.
Speaker 1:
Right, because I think this whole idea of keeping score is very much related to we call it love, language or currency. Yes, yeah, because I might be doing just a ton of things that are, I think, you're going to really really appreciate Right, and not doing things in another area. Right, and you don't even notice the things I'm doing because it's not in your area of currency or love language Right.
Speaker 1:
And so the things that you're looking for me to do, I don't do any of it. So you're like you're chalking up all the things you're doing that I don't notice, right, and I'm chalking up all the things that I'm doing that you don't notice and it causes all kinds of grief.
Speaker 2:
I have a great example of that. So when we were, when Lake was very hectic and we were homeschooling the boys and so I was definitely overextended, but on a weekend you would decide you were going to help me out and you were going to clean, and you would always clean it as the garage or the packed room and it's like that's not. You never went there. I don't go there at all.
Speaker 1:
This is a big job, and you should look how clean the garage Right so much as you know.
Speaker 2:
It's hard, then, to appreciate, like, instead of saying what are you doing?
Speaker 1:
Like why aren't you cleaning the family room that you can't walk through, you know, because of the kids, toys or whatever, instead of seeing that somebody has made the effort, and well, I think that's important too, because, let's just say, you know, it's hard not to keep score, because I think human beings, you know, essentially, are looking for a balance, equitability those kinds of things we're constantly comparing.
Speaker 1:
Yes, and so I think if you know, if I'm constantly cleaning the garage and you don't care and like, why don't you do something else? You know there is a way to navigate that.
Speaker 2:
Yes, you just say no.
Speaker 1:
I really appreciate your. You know clean out the garage.
Speaker 2:
I know it's a big job, it would really help me if you would do this or that, and so one of these times you know I'm really trying my best to put some labor in to make our relationship better.
Speaker 1:
Right, Just applying it in the wrong spot.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Speaker 1:
You need to communicate that.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely, and get a kind way in an appreciative way. Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1:
I think you've remarked a couple of occasions that you know you see a husband trying, but the wife doesn't see it at all.
Speaker 2:
She's like my husband does nothing, he's not helping our relationship at all Right. Well, and I think we've talked about too which I think is really an important area where this can fall into that category of keeping score is if you've got especially women that work, if women are working outside of the home and they've got children and so they're doing that juggling act and the partner you've got one person that's doing childcare and home care and trying to work Right, and they're fundamentally working outside of the home.
Speaker 1:
And that's hard to get the balance there.
Speaker 2:
Because it's very, very different things in terms of the actual physical, mental labor in terms of the time involved itself, right. And I think you know it's really important to understand the person that is. I'm going to use the word only right.
Speaker 1:
With quote marks only working.
Speaker 2:
You know it's important to have that conversation to understand. That may be there, like you said. That may be their love language. That may be like I'm putting in the 12 hour days.
Speaker 2:
I want us to have this nice, I'm providing for some I am providing for vacations Right and the kids private schools, whatever they whatever it is we want to do, I'm putting in those extra hours so we can have a lifestyle, and that may not be what the other person that's doing the childcare they probably that they may rather have you home more. They may rather have you taking the kids to after school activities or helping around the house or doing the pets or whatever it is. So again, just like you said, I think it's really important to have that conversation instead of just being pissed off about it. Have that conversation to say you know what. I think there's a miscommunication here. Can you, can you describe to me, you know?
Speaker 1:
how you think you are being more or less equitable or putting in fair share, equal share in terms of those kinds.
Speaker 2:
Can we talk about what we are both bringing to the table and maybe what we both need? I mean, I think that's the bigger thing is.
Speaker 1:
And I think this you know we talked about division of labor, which is certainly a place that many people do score keeping.
Speaker 2:
Yes.
Speaker 1:
But you know it can extend to things like you know, like cuddling, or touching, oh right, you know I always approach you and put my arm around your shoulder and like you never do that, and so you know, subconsciously you're sort of tallying that up Like do I love you way more than you love me, right? Do you know? Are we, are you still invested in this?
Speaker 2:
relationship and meanwhile you're doing the dishes yeah, because that you think that's right. You know again we're talking about. You know the effort that you're putting in, where you are placing that effort and I think, having that, just that open discussion about whether I need a partner in this relationship, whatever kind of relationship it is, what do I, what do I feel like I need from my partner and what do you need from a partner, and sometimes I think something's got to give the person that, especially if you're you're feeling like I'm always doing way more you actually may have to give up some of the things that you think are essentials because it's too much for anybody, and I think too, you know, because the title of this and the emphasis is don't keep score Right.
Speaker 1:
There may be times in a long period of time in a relationship where somebody is carrying more than the weight Right. Than the other, whether it's going to school, giving running chores going to school, working more, taking care of the children more. If that's the case, right, and I think the key thing here is if I believe that you are invested in this relationship and you care about me and you're doing your best. I shouldn't care that I'm carrying more weight right now.
Speaker 2:
Right, because I know you're doing the best that you can Right.
Speaker 1:
And you're you know you're committed to this relationship and if I believe that I can carry more weight for a very, very long, time, right, right, as long as we're having that conversation, right?
Speaker 2:
Yes, I totally agree, but I think it does come down to, instead of carrying that grudge, instead of keeping tally on I've done this, this and this and you haven't done anything.
Speaker 1:
If that's what you're feeling and that's the script that you hear in your head, I think that is the time to sit down and say Well, and I think you know, the first time that sort of that despair out here, that unequleness pops up into your head and your feeling a little resentful, right, I think you need to explore that and say how can I communicate this?
Speaker 2:
Exactly In a healthy way, in a healthy way.
Speaker 1:
You know, and it may be such that you know as a matter of fact, the partner is carrying more weight and doing more.
Speaker 2:
You just don't know it.
Speaker 1:
You just don't see it, don't know it, don't recognize it, and you need to have, you know, a very, you know, a loving and open conversation about how can we deal with this, because you know you can't, I can't, discount your feelings, whatever they may be. So if you're feeling less, you know less that it's not an equal relationship that I'm carrying, you know you're carrying more weight or whatever. You need to at least be comfortable opening that up and this, as I said at the beginning, this is a hard thing to do.
Speaker 2:
Very much so.
Speaker 1:
And as a relationship matures and you work on your communication skills and your ability to be vulnerable and open up, I think it gets easier. I think you know couples early in a relationship. You know you're still feeling it out. You know you and you don't have those communication skills. It's easy to get into. You know pretty significant fights over that scorekeeping because you're feeling resentful, because you're not the I looks like I'm more invested, and I think it always those kind of things to me always come up when you're at your end.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so let it go too long, and then you can't have the conversation, and really the conversation needs to start with. This is what I feel like I need. Well, not, this is what you're not doing.
Speaker 1:
And again you're not going to solve this right One fell, one fell swoop. You know, because you know. I know early on our relationship when we had these kind of discussions it was hard. I was resentful that you were bringing it up, because I thought I'm already just like doing so much. Yes, and so you know you have to allow the person to feel, you know undercut and a little bit angry that you know you're not automatically perceiving what I'm doing as being a contributing factor to that relationship.
Speaker 1:
And it takes a while to get over that there's going to be. You know there's going to be. You can do it the best you can right, but there's still probably going to be some hard feelings and some hurt feelings. You know when these kinds of things come up. But I think again, knowing that the person is trying to do the best to build the best relationship is a good undercarriage. You know to deal with those feelings. And when you bring it up the first time, you know you may have to come back to it a day or two later, right after those feelings of resentment or anger or disappointment dissipate Again. Not an easy thing but very important to sort of work through this, not keeping score.
Speaker 2:
Right, right and, and I would say, preface something always. If this conversation is one you need to have, feel like you'd like to have preface it with. I really appreciate everything that you are doing, Right. And I know you are- doing the best you can in this relationship.
Speaker 1:
And then really it's all about then a shift. And I would say, you know, if one person truly is not invested in that relationship, they are not contributing, they are not open to exploring these feelings and discussions. You know what I mean. You may need some marriage counseling or maybe issues with the overall health of the relationship all together, and that's something that needs to be dealt with too, right, right, because it won't go away. That's a thing, and it will only get worse. It will only get worse.
Speaker 2:
Once you start keeping score.
Speaker 1:
you'll start keeping score on everything and you're like, wow, you know it's a hundred to two.
Speaker 2:
I'm just like you're just not into this Right, right, yes, and so.
Speaker 1:
I know you had read a book early on in our growth period of our relationship. It was called Crucial Conversations. I think this falls in that realm.
Speaker 2:
Very definitely.
Speaker 1:
Can you recall any specific or anecdotal stories or vignettes from that book that might be, you know, useful here? I hate to put you on the spot.
Speaker 2:
No, I think the one phrase that always pops to my mind when I think of that whole ideology is they have in there what they described, the shared pool of meaning, where everybody sits down and says what is your ideal for this situation? And if you can start from what is your ideal generally, you will find that everybody has the same ideal in mind. The story that I know they told, which I really really appreciate, was I guess it was back in the maybe late seventies with the whole auto industry crisis and the workers and the union and the corporate could not come to and they had been battling forever and it was affecting the whole country's economy and so, actually Crucial Conversations. People went in there to help navigate the situation and so they took corporate and they put them in one room and they took the Auto Worker Union in another room and they said exactly that, in a perfect world, what do you want? And then they did that for however long half an hour, whatever they came back and they compared the list of what they wanted.
Speaker 1:
They were the same.
Speaker 2:
And that, to me, is the perfect example of here. These people have been bumping heads for a month or however long you may be using different languages.
Speaker 1:
You might be sitting at that table with animosity to start with.
Speaker 2:
You're digging your heels in on something little. When it's so, I think, understanding. Hey, our shared pool of meaning is we want the best, strongest positive relationship we can have. So what does that mean? How do we?
Speaker 1:
go forward. What does that look like when we talk?
Speaker 2:
about it? What does the vision of labor look like? What does whatever look like in within that context?
Speaker 1:
So when I say, you know, don't keep score, because I think it is just something that we'll not at and we'll destroy a relationship, I agree. That would be the one thing that you would tell people in this context to do first or to think about first.
Speaker 2:
I hate to always sound like a broken record, but I think it's awareness. I think it has to start with recognizing that there's a voice in your head that says God, I always do this.
Speaker 1:
I was going to echo the same thing. The first thing is say am I feeling resentful in some area of this relationship where I think my partner is just not carrying their weight and that's an indication that I am scorekeeping? I am trying to see what the balance is. So the fact that I'm scorekeeping, that's an indicator right there. So let's address this.
Speaker 2:
Try to get me away from keeping score and that's a great to me that's a great opener for a conversation with your partner, whatever relationship you are in is. You know what I recognize just now that I'm scorekeeping. And this is what scorekeeping means.
Speaker 1:
Oh, yes, absolutely To me.
Speaker 2:
This is how I define scorekeeping. Are you aware, maybe, that you're doing scorekeeping, you know? I mean that's the way to start that conversation. So they're saying oh my gosh, you know, why aren't you ever doing? I do so much of everything, you know. You have to start it from a place of I just recognize within myself I'm doing this. It's not healthy for our relationship. I would like to change. What do you think about this?
Speaker 1:
topic Sounds great, sounds perfect. I appreciate your listening. Again, if you like the show, please take the time to subscribe. Yes, we'll try to bring you more meaningful and, hopefully, valuable information mindful information each week and next time. This has been just one thing.
