Studies have shown that the true secret to lifetime happiness is the quality of your connections. This week, Lisa and Brad explore how having deeper conversations can enhance the quality of your connections.
Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of monotonous small talk, yearning to break free and forge genuine connections? Our conversation today is a treasure trove of strategies for anyone eager to transform their chit-chat into memorable interactions that resonate on a deeper level. As we reminisce about the lost art of conversational mastery, I share my own journey towards becoming a more engaged listener and inquisitive converser. With insights from our guest, a networking sage, we unpack the subtle yet powerful techniques of sparking dialogue with observations and meaningful questions. Whether you're an introvert who dreads ice-breakers or an extrovert looking to add depth to your discussions, this episode is your guide to winning friends and influencing people—one conversation at a time.
This session isn't just about talking—it's about listening, responding, and connecting in ways that leave a lasting impression. We'll explore the FBI negotiator's playbook for establishing rapport swiftly and dive into the practicalities of preparing for conversations with new acquaintances. By sharing anecdotes and coaching tips, we demonstrate the importance of curiosity and empathy in building emotional bonds. So, whether you're hoping to rekindle the flame of a long-time friendship or spark a new one at the gym, tune in and equip yourself with the tools to elevate every conversation from mundane to meaningful.
Studies have shown that the true secret to lifetime happiness is the quality of your connections. This week, Lisa and Brad explore how having deeper conversations can enhance the quality of your connections.
Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of monotonous small talk, yearning to break free and forge genuine connections? Our conversation today is a treasure trove of strategies for anyone eager to transform their chit-chat into memorable interactions that resonate on a deeper level. As we reminisce about the lost art of conversational mastery, I share my own journey towards becoming a more engaged listener and inquisitive converser. With insights from our guest, a networking sage, we unpack the subtle yet powerful techniques of sparking dialogue with observations and meaningful questions. Whether you're an introvert who dreads ice-breakers or an extrovert looking to add depth to your discussions, this episode is your guide to winning friends and influencing people—one conversation at a time.
This session isn't just about talking—it's about listening, responding, and connecting in ways that leave a lasting impression. We'll explore the FBI negotiator's playbook for establishing rapport swiftly and dive into the practicalities of preparing for conversations with new acquaintances. By sharing anecdotes and coaching tips, we demonstrate the importance of curiosity and empathy in building emotional bonds. So, whether you're hoping to rekindle the flame of a long-time friendship or spark a new one at the gym, tune in and equip yourself with the tools to elevate every conversation from mundane to meaningful.
Hello and welcome to Just One Thing. I'm Brad Stearns here with Lisa Stearns, and we're your hosts on this weekly exploration of simple ways to enhance your relationships, improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier. Now settle in while we discuss Just One Thing. Good day and welcome to the next episode of Just One Thing. Just One Thing is the podcast of Mindful Livingtoday. You can find us on Facebook at the Mindful Couple. We have a great Facebook group If you'd like to join us at Mindful Living today with Lisa and Brad. We're also on Instagram.
Speaker 1:
We went round and round about what to call this particular topic, but I think it's going to be called having better conversations, because we were lamenting the fact that many of the people that we talked to really don't know how to have a conversation. I think it used to be something that either people did more naturally because they were drawn into more conversations, or you actually got instructions, perhaps from people that were around you parents, mentors, whatever on how to actually conduct a conversation.
Speaker 1:
I knew young ladies of a certain generation and a certain social sass were actually taught how to have conversations. We talked some months ago about having better conversations, but I thought we should readdress it and talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 1:
Because I think what really sort of drew me to this is we had some friends over and we were talking to them and we were talking about conversations.
Speaker 1:
I was talking about the people that I talked to at the gym and how well I really know everybody in terms of, like, these are the things that they like to do and these are their siblings and their parents and where they came from, et cetera. Then I was realizing that I actually know more about some of these newer acquaintances than I did about the friends that were sitting with us that I've known for almost 30 years. I'm like well, why is that? I think it's probably because I've become a practice, I've become a better conversationalist, and then I sort of probably need to go back and readdress some of the conversations that we've had with the people we know and ask some of those questions, and I think that is sort of at the heart of being a better conversationalist. So why don't you? Let me sort of say over to you, lees, how does one have a better conversation? This is what I always do. I start things out and I say take it over. I don't know what else to say.
Speaker 2:
Well, I've taught a lot of networking how?
Speaker 1:
to network classes and so yeah, and I remember you even had one on specifically how to help introverts, Right who's like? I don't know how to have a conversation or I'm afraid to have one or whatever.
Speaker 2:
And I think there are different tools for both introverts and surprisingly extroverts. I think extroverts think well, it's easy for me to talk, but that's not what it's all about.
Speaker 1:
Talking is one thing, having a conversation is something else it's something different. Let's dive into that a little bit.
Speaker 2:
Exactly so. You know some of the things that I think people, especially if you are an introvert, if you're uncomfortable I think COVID changed People were in, away from people for so long that now they're like oh you know, I don't know what to say or whatever, but I think for everybody it's just really important to remember to be interested.
Speaker 1:
Well, that's the key. It's interesting you say that the key is to be interested and not just like well, how are you, how are you?
Speaker 2:
Right, right, fine.
Speaker 1:
Okay, see ya.
Speaker 2:
Can I talk about me now?
Speaker 1:
And, as always, thanks Fort Worth. Thanks everyone yesterday because, as I was taking a walk, I just happened to pick a podcast the Art of Manliness is one of my favorite podcasts and he had on as his guest the particular one I just happened to listen to, charles Duhigg, who wrote a book and they talked about it called Super Communicators, and on that they talked about an FBI agent who was a hostage negotiator and how does he gain a rapport with people so quickly? And the key is, as you said, is to ask questions and to be interested, right, not just to ask questions like how are you today, because that's sort of an open-ended question and everybody says that.
Speaker 1:
And he talked about questions that have depth, deeper questions. So it's not just like, well, what did you do today? You maybe have an opening question about like how did you feel your day today? Or really you want to get to things that have feelings, right, right Feelings or emotion about it. So like not what did you do today, but like what was the best thing that happened to you today?
Speaker 2:
Right.
Speaker 1:
And then? Well, why did you feel like that? It's not an interrogation per se but, it's an inquisitiveness to find out, like what makes you tick, what's important to you, what's valuable to you.
Speaker 2:
When I recently went, it was my first networking meeting to go to since COVID and there were two women standing with me, and I'm always interested in people, so just like you, it's easy for me, but I do recognize that there's a certain skill to it. But I said to them I didn't know we'd have these women and I get tired of the same rope, chit, chat you know what's your job.
Speaker 1:
What do you?
Speaker 2:
do. And so I said what is the your favorite thing about what you do?
Speaker 1:
Right?
Speaker 2:
Oh, great question, and somebody was like wow, you know, that is a really great question, and both of them just went on to talk and talk and talk about what was their favorite thing.
Speaker 1:
And the deep question doesn't have to be, you know, invasive. No it's just sort of a sort of an easy question that really gets to people like you do have a reason like well, you majored in English, why did you?
Speaker 2:
choose English. You know what drew you to that. What was the main thing that drew you to that? What was the favorite thing you?
Speaker 1:
did today? What was the worst thing that happened to you last week? You know, something that gets some feelings and emotion involved, and then what this communicator was talking about on the podcast I listened to is that it's not an invasive, it's almost an innocuous question, but it gets to feelings and emotions and then that gives you opportunity then to share and to open up something about yourself and it's that rapport back and forth at an emotional level that really leads to a great connection and a great conversation.
Speaker 2:
Right, right, yeah, and so you know. I think, as you say, it's listening to what people are talking about very, very. It's deep listening, it's not superficial listening, like, yeah, I know you're going to tell me what your job is or that you have two kids, or whatever it's. I'm listening for the subtleties of what you are saying.
Speaker 1:
Well, and oftentimes people they're listening, only to wait to respond.
Speaker 2:
Exactly.
Speaker 1:
Instead of really listening and thinking about and processing what that person is telling you. And so if you come back with you know a follow on question that leads to I heard you, I understand you, or you even re-encapsulate in your own words what you heard them saying. That lets somebody know, boy, they have been listening to you. They're interested in what I have to say, they're interested in what I'm feeling, and that builds the rapport and that, under that mutual understanding and trust, that really leads to good conversations and a better connection with people.
Speaker 2:
Right, right, yeah. So I guess the flip side of that to me is and not to rag on extroverts.
Speaker 1:
Let's get into that, because some people say, oh, I can talk to anybody, I can talk to anybody and. I have people that talk to me or at me I should say At me All the time, Right.
Speaker 2:
Because, they.
Speaker 1:
They find it easy to converse in their mind.
Speaker 1:
But number one, they're never asking me about anything it doesn't seem as though they're really interested in either what I've done or what I'm feeling, which is, as with the feeling and the emotion, is the core of that deep connection. They're just sort of to me, almost yacking at me. It's spewing off, almost like they're reading from a phone book, because that's how interesting sometimes it is. But they keep going on and on and on and on. Anytime I might say something they sort of oh well, I've done that, or I've done this, or they've done something better or more or different, or that reminded me when I had to go see the car. There's almost I don't want to say, but almost a narcissistic element to some people who are true extroverts and that they can't keep their mouth closed and listen to what somebody else is saying, or even feign and interested in what somebody else might be about what they've experienced, what they do or don't like.
Speaker 2:
Right, yeah, and first of all, be very tuned into the person that you are talking and listening to in terms of good listening and zoning in on what they are talking about and the connection, the emotional connection, that they are making with whatever it is that they are talking about. And then the next step is just listening to yourself.
Speaker 1:
Yeah right.
Speaker 2:
Can you put, maybe, a timer on? If you know you're a talker, a gregarious talker Put a timer. You know something that vibrates your smartwatch or something you know?
Speaker 1:
so in 10 minutes, I can respond, I can go right in 5 minutes I get 30 seconds before I ask a follow-up question to them.
Speaker 2:
Right, yeah, and really it should be 5 minutes tops that you should be talking about.
Speaker 1:
Well, to me, a natural conversation flows back and forth. You know, 30 seconds a minute. That's a phrase here, a phrase there. Once you're at that deep connection level where you're sharing you know experiences, feelings, desires, dislikes, etc. And that's where the connection is, is at the emotional level, and it truly is a back and forth, and you begin to become on the same wavelength Exactly.
Speaker 1:
Which sort of like leads me to the next point of how to have a better conversation is that the best conversations are when you are on the same emotional wavelength, the same energy level. Right, and you know what? Have you ever experienced where somebody tells you like a really, you know, outgoing high energy joke, and you're just going to say, ah, that's funny, are you? Vice versa, you know you're high energy and they say, ah, that's nice. And when the energy of two people talking doesn't match, you know, that kind of sets the stage for not making a connection, right, right, and so one of the things that you know you can do is, if somebody responds at a low energy level, you can bring your energy level back down and ask questions. So you know what's going on with you today. You know what's sort of I detect an aura or an air of low energy.
Speaker 1:
What's going on with you? Is something bad happen? At least you know, be inquisitive and be interested and you know. If you are genuinely interested, I think people can detect that Right. It's not just like how are you Right, it's like, oh, number one, I've noticed how you're behaving. It doesn't seem like I've seen you before. You know what's going on, I'm interested. And if they can share, then, like you know, I always say you know, don't criticize, don't try to top. You know empathize. Is there something that you know that you might have experienced, that?
Speaker 1:
a shared thing where I'm vulnerable. I'm sad too, those kinds of things.
Speaker 2:
Or I love that too. You know, those are always good kind of things.
Speaker 1:
And I think, at least in an initial stage of trying to make those deeper connections with better conversations, you know, always be encouraging, positive, those kinds of things. As you're talking with somebody, don't, you know, deny somebody their feelings. Don't try to say, oh, that's no big deal, right, you know those kinds of things it's like.
Speaker 2:
Or if they're sharing you something good that they did, it is always be enthusiastic and say that's fantastic, man, that's great, that's good for you, and without topping that and that's hard to do sometimes, it is, it really is.
Speaker 1:
You just have to bite your tongue and say oh well, you know, they won second prize. Well, I just won first prize. Right, but you know you don't say that you genuinely are happy for them that they got their third prize and they've worked hard on that Right. They must feel awesome.
Speaker 2:
Right, right, because in that moment it's about them.
Speaker 1:
It is about them. Yes, in that case.
Speaker 2:
And the next thing I wanted to say is, or kind of comment on in terms of somewhat of a maybe a remedy is if you are one of those people that you feel like I just never have anything to say, I go to meetings. You know it's hard for me to talk to anybody. I'm an introvert, Whatever. However, whatever umbrella you put that under, I know for a fact, based on the people that I've worked, with and the experiences that I've had, that if you prepare a couple of questions, it's exactly where I was going to next.
Speaker 2:
Just a couple, one or two.
Speaker 1:
It's not a fake thing, it's not yeah.
Speaker 2:
Something, just a think of a question that you could ask just about anybody. That would be something that would be Interesting for you to know about them. You know, and it may be gosh, you know, I really love movies what's your favorite movie? I mean, it can be anything, but be prepared with one question or two, because one may not fly.
Speaker 1:
And again on this podcast that I'm referencing, they talked about people doing that. They worked with a whole classroom full of people and they just had them prepare. You were going to meet with a stranger and you're going to talk to them, and they had them prepare each three things that they could talk about, right Well, it often turned out that they never referred to any of those things they had written down, but the fact that they had prepared and had thought about it made them more at ease and that they were able to actually have a conversation.
Speaker 2:
Exactly, exactly, and when I was coaching and teaching this, I would say you know, pick a couple of questions, sort out your two favorites, write them on a card and put them in your pocket, your wallet, your purse, whatever on your phone, so that whenever you know you're going into a place where you're going to meet people that you don't know, you have this overwhelming feeling of I'm not going to be able to talk to anybody. I'm so uncomfortable. Just prepare, just read your two questions and then you know that you've got those and you've got something to say, because frequently it's the stumbling block is I don't have anything to say.
Speaker 1:
And then you know that's sort of, if you're going to a party or a mixer or networking, where you know people are going to be talking anyhow, if you're in a situation where you know people may not naturally talk, that's even harder. What I usually do and I find really valuable. I just find something that I notice about that person that I like or want to know about. Like I just say, oh man, those shoes are awesome. Like, where did you get those? And then I can start talking about well, have you always been into shoes? Right, what do you like about their shoes? And, dude, you play that sport.
Speaker 1:
And then that really opens up all kinds of avenues for conversation. Or like you know that red that your shirt is like, it just like caught my eye, that's really cool. Or you know, I love the way that you've done your hair Right. You know, and you want to be careful because you don't say, wow, you really fill out that sweater. That's not appropriate, you know. But if I talk about a color or I talk about a style or you know something that catches my eye, what I often do is a lot of people have logos on their t-shirt and they just, oh, did you go to Michigan or oh, did you go to? You know Georgetown? And then that opens up just that one piece of data that I'm asking about, like, oh, I'm interested, now I can ask, I can ask follow-on questions about Georgetown and why did you go there, and all those kinds of things. So it's just a skill that you can pick up and wow, it just makes you so much more at ease.
Speaker 2:
Right and you get to learn.
Speaker 1:
You learn about people and you get to really know cool people, you develop connections and pretty soon you literally have, you know, I don't want to say deep friends, but you have friends everywhere, right, right, because you've made the effort to listen deeply. Yeah, absolutely so we're getting near the end of our time here. This is a great topic. I think we both love this topic.
Speaker 2:
Yes.
Speaker 1:
I think we both, you know, worked hard to hone the skills that we have and having better conversations, deeper conversations. What's the one thing you would leave people with in terms of, you know, having these better conversations?
Speaker 2:
Prepare, prepare, prepare. Just have a question or two that are your go-tos, that you know you can rely on, no matter what.
Speaker 1:
And I guess for me it's just recognize if you're not comfortable, it's not natural to you. This is a skill, oh, absolutely, you can develop. You know with work and knowing what the?
Speaker 1:
steps are? I think one of the great steps is having questions to prepare. You know, the key thing to me is be genuinely interested in somebody that you're trying to talk to. And what does that mean to be interested in? It's to ask deep questions just to listen to what they say and try to make that emotional connection Right. Yep, and that's been just one thing.
