Many times, our efforts just don't match up to our own expectations, or those of our friends and family. This week, Lisa and Brad discuss how to accept that "you are always enough," even when it may not seem so.
Feeling overwhelmed by the relentless pursuit of perfection? You're not alone. Join us, Brad and Lisa Stearns, as we unpack the liberating concept of radical self-acceptance in our transformative heart-to-heart chat. We shed light on the personal struggles and societal pressures that often lead us to believe we're never quite "enough." Sharing our own stories, we illustrate how recognising and embracing our limitations can be the first step toward genuine contentment. Life's relentless demands often make it seem impossible to excel in every area, but here we affirm the power of acknowledging that your best effort, no matter the capacity, is always enough.
Embark on a journey of self-discovery with us as we discuss the subtle art of detaching from the pressure of expectations to find a more fulfilling existence. We delve into the natural shifts that come with aging, the biological changes we face, and how these can influence our competitive drives and pursuit of happiness. Discover how cultivating compassion and generosity can lead to a contented life, while practical strategies like affirmations can help combat that inner critic. Together, we explore how freeing ourselves from constant comparison can unlock a deep satisfaction with life, as we celebrate the idea that personal well-being triumphs over external achievements.
Many times, our efforts just don't match up to our own expectations, or those of our friends and family. This week, Lisa and Brad discuss how to accept that "you are always enough," even when it may not seem so.
Feeling overwhelmed by the relentless pursuit of perfection? You're not alone. Join us, Brad and Lisa Stearns, as we unpack the liberating concept of radical self-acceptance in our transformative heart-to-heart chat. We shed light on the personal struggles and societal pressures that often lead us to believe we're never quite "enough." Sharing our own stories, we illustrate how recognising and embracing our limitations can be the first step toward genuine contentment. Life's relentless demands often make it seem impossible to excel in every area, but here we affirm the power of acknowledging that your best effort, no matter the capacity, is always enough.
Embark on a journey of self-discovery with us as we discuss the subtle art of detaching from the pressure of expectations to find a more fulfilling existence. We delve into the natural shifts that come with aging, the biological changes we face, and how these can influence our competitive drives and pursuit of happiness. Discover how cultivating compassion and generosity can lead to a contented life, while practical strategies like affirmations can help combat that inner critic. Together, we explore how freeing ourselves from constant comparison can unlock a deep satisfaction with life, as we celebrate the idea that personal well-being triumphs over external achievements.
Hello and welcome to Just One Thing. I'm Brad Stearns, here with Lisa Stearns, and we're your hosts on this weekly exploration of simple ways to enhance your relationships, improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier. Now settle in while we discuss Just One Thing. Good day and welcome to the next episode of Just One Thing. Just One Thing is the podcast of Mindful Living Today. You can find us on Facebook at the Mindful Couple. We have a great Facebook group. We would love you to join and include some positive thoughts at Mindful Living Today with Lisa and Brad. We're also on Instagram. If you like us and you listen to us, we would love for you to subscribe Whatever particular application you use to listen to podcasts. Please click subscribe and we would much appreciate that.
Speaker 2:
I just noticed we're in the same color. Ooh, we're matchy. We're matching matches. Mindful Living.
Speaker 1:
We used to ride our tandem bike.
Speaker 2:
We used to have matching kits, matching outfits yes, so we were quite fancy.
Speaker 1:
Today we are going to talk about you are always enough, and that sort of falls into the category of I'll just call it radical self-acceptance, something that Lisa and I talk about quite a bit, something that I sometimes have trouble with oh, me too, and I'll get into that as we go along. So when you say you are always enough, what does that mean to you, and are there any examples that you've gone through or client or a friend have gone through for you? That points out the importance of that.
Speaker 2:
Thousands of stories, thousands of stories.
Speaker 1:
Well, you have a couple.
Speaker 2:
How much time do you have? No, I grew up with parents who had very high expectations and I never felt like I met whatever it was. My parents were lovely In my mind. For me, they had very high expectations. This is behavior academics.
Speaker 1:
Whatever the category was, the bar was high.
Speaker 2:
And I know for myself. On top of that, I had very high expectations of myself. So I think I kind of took their expectations and multiplied it 10 times.
Speaker 1:
Exactly, we are often our own worst enemy, and that's why, to me, this whole topic falls into radical self-acceptance.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely, absolutely, and so most of the dialogue that was going on in my head up through my middle 40s was I'm not good enough. Whatever it is.
Speaker 2:
I'm not good enough, I didn't do that well enough, I didn't. It wasn't right, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't everything. And so you end up in this constant state of displeasure and a lack of acceptance of both yourself and your humanity, what you are actually capable of doing within any given moment of any given time. And life expectations change, life's changed with jobs and children and marriage relationships and whatever, and so you can't expect to have that same standard across the board, because sometimes it's just it is too much.
Speaker 1:
Well, yeah, and particularly you mentioned having children and changes in life. I mean, there are times in your life when there literally is just too much on your plate Absolutely Every day. And you just can't optimize each of those things. There's just, it's just not enough time, it's not possible. You're only going to have one week in the year to optimize and be the best at all of those things. Right, and if you have those high expectations, if you think, well, I'm not enough, well, you aren't.
Speaker 2:
Right, right and you can't be.
Speaker 1:
That's just not enough time for failure in thinking that you can meet all those expectations you can live up to all of, whether it's yours or others, yeah, and I think, whether it's parents, whether it's social media, whether it's yourself, you know, we all forever have all these examples, and so the example of what can be done. Right, right and so category is so high that you can't meet all of them.
Speaker 2:
Right, right and you have. You know, when you look at, especially at, social media, you have no idea what is going on behind the post. No.
Speaker 1:
You know, and the person who looks so beautiful and does so much, you know maybe having a nervous breakdown on the other side. You know that maybe they may be using a filter that makes them look like a movie star when you know the reality is not quite that.
Speaker 2:
Well, I know somebody commented on our trip that we took to Maine, which we did not enjoy ourselves. But I love architecture and so you know I took lots of pictures of isn't this pretty? And the beach was pretty and all that kind of stuff, and when I came home and talked to her she had no idea you know she's up in your pictures.
Speaker 1:
You have a great time. It looked like that you were on a fantastic vacation and I don't feel like we curate our posts, oh no, and I just want to put up there this is what I did today. No, I guess I put a positive face on most things, but that's how you and I see things Some day.
Speaker 1:
Well, in some days I'm not feeling so good Right, and some days I don't do as much as I wanted to do, and so you know I'm not always meeting my own expectations, and but I do accept that those are the things that I think one of the things that prompted this discussion was, I think maybe you posted it.
Speaker 1:
I shared it from some of them, but it was something like if you're only feeling, you know, capable, capable of 40% today, and you're gay, 40% of your effort, well, that's 100%, that's 100%. That's all you can give today, right, right, and that's that's. That's, that's plenty, that is a win. That's like you are always enough.
Speaker 2:
Exactly, exactly, because really very few of us, very few, I think, I believe, I truly believe very few people are slackers. I truly believe very few people are not trying their best to do whatever.
Speaker 1:
To have a good relationship, to do their job as best they can, to do the schooling as best they can. But your, your energy goes up and down. Your, your, the time in your day goes up and down.
Speaker 2:
Your tension span goes up and down.
Speaker 1:
But sometimes you may. Just you know, you just want to do something that is, that is fun, right, and that seems like you're being a slacker, but you, your, your brain and your body is saying you need to do this fun thing, I don't want to do this hard thing, and that's you know, that's okay.
Speaker 2:
That's okay.
Speaker 1:
There are some ramifications to that, but it's okay, it's enough to do that today.
Speaker 1:
Yes, now, one of the things that was always tough for me and one of the things that was made me reluctant to really discuss this topic for a long time, is, I found, at least in my, in my own initial thinking that when you are, when you set goals, when you have things that you want to accomplish, when there are things that you want to improve on about yourself, right in terms of you know, maybe it's your behaviors, maybe it's your, you know, some athletic goal you have, maybe it's a career goal that you have I thought that the acceptance of myself today precluded, you know, striving for getting forward, getting better, because how could I want to get better if I was already satisfied with what I am today?
Speaker 1:
And sort of what I have found is, I don't think you can like wrangle too much with the what the words mean and just like, okay, I am okay, I am all of me today. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of accepting myself, but I can still have goals, I can still work for things, I can still work damn hard at things, and that's not incompatible with I am.
Speaker 1:
I'm good enough now Everything I need to be. I'm good enough now. Everything is fine just today. I'm all that I need to be.
Speaker 2:
Well, and I think, what that? What that? Really, at least my understanding, from my own experience, I believe that the the tug there comes with expectation. So if you are really tied to expectation and outcome, then you get very caught up in that have to keep going, have to keep doing, have to it has to be bigger, better, whatever. But I think if you are just, you just want to continue to be your best self.
Speaker 1:
There's a there's a different, there's a different mindset that way, and I think too, if you come to enjoy the process in the moment that's it. That is it In terms of being a friendlier person, you know, being a healthier person, what all those things are?
Speaker 1:
we're all those little you know I need, I want to do this today All those check boxes can be compatible with with radical self acceptance in the moment, but it's okay to if you. This is how I spend my day, basically improving, being happier, being nicer, doing more right, as long as there is a self, self negative talk involved with it, as long as there is a disappointment and some things. Now I've sort of ratcheted that my my goal is to do less right area right, and that's.
Speaker 2:
That's okay, right? Yeah, it's a very challenging thing and I guess I'm curious how, what, what approach or method did you use when you decided to embrace this mindset? I?
Speaker 1:
don't know if it was. I always talk to the guys at the gym. I say, like you know, just becoming older you're just less angry most of the time, you're less competitive.
Speaker 1:
And I, I and I don't know if it's because we become wiser as we get older or and I truly believe there's some biology involved, right, particularly for men, because I think as you begin to lose, some of your testosterone that makes you a little more competitive, a little more aggressive, a little more challenging of yourself and, and wanting to get better, I think you do allow yourself to become a little I don't want to say less, but a little more accepting of.
Speaker 1:
I don't have to be the best, I don't have to rise to the top, I don't have to step on other people's shoulders. You know, to get to the top, I don't have to constantly be comparing myself with other people or comparing myself to myself yesterday and wanting to always be better, better, better, better, more, more right. And I, I, I just think it's, it's a constant look at you. Know, where am I? What makes me the happiest, what makes me the best person right? And I think, when you, when I think about what the best person is, I think that's just shifted over time as I become exposed to more, to the realization that being a more giving, loving, compassionate person actually makes me better, better person and actually makes me feel happier inside.
Speaker 1:
So it's almost, I'm almost doing it for myself, absolutely others so sort of enlightened self-interest, and the the more more I have embraced that. I think that acceptance has become a more powerful and a bigger part of my life.
Speaker 2:
I think for me, I, I, I, I, I remember having a very clear thought of I'm tired of being the person that I am. You know, I am just so tired of the struggle and the self-doubt and the self-criticism and the just a constant disappointment and chatter in my head about how I wasn't meeting up, making it, you know, making the grade and meeting expectations and that kind of stuff and it, and consequently I was very unhappy, you know, because if you're always feeling disappointed with yourself, then you're not happy. And so that realization I actually to for to change my mind, said I, I use an affirmation yeah, I know those are very powerful.
Speaker 2:
I just started saying I am, I am enough, exactly as I am, and that was anytime a negative thought arose, that was my go-to, and as soon as the negative thought arose, I would just take a breath and I would say nope, you know what?
Speaker 1:
in this moment, I am good enough, exactly as I am and you talk about that too, and I know, for me I'm reflecting back as you're talking, I'm thinking back about myself and I know, you know, for most of my life especially young adults very competitive person, right, you know, always trying to do, do better, do this, do that. And you know I came to a realization, I think mid-career for me, that you know just wasn't a way to live, it was, it was sort of a dead end, not for a career, but it's dead end in terms of happiness in life. And I realized, you know, I wanted to be. When I say happy, I mean sort of satisfied and okay with myself and sort of at peace, right, every day.
Speaker 1:
And you know, if you're constantly competing and you, you know you as you as the, as you're rising up in an organization, the competitions get fiercer because the the, the skills of your competitors, you know, get closer and closer to your own, and pretty soon, whereas you know, I always got every job I wanted, I always got this promotion, I always got that promotion as I'm rising towards the top. Well, now I'm, now I'm competing with other people who have the same experience and all of a sudden, well, I didn't get that job I wanted. And then maybe it happened again. And now, as the competition gets more and more close to where you know you're along a peer group, you realize, well, maybe I can't win at all, or all the time.
Speaker 1:
And you think, well, well, that's really disappointing and that really makes me happy and you realize that's going to happen more and more often and you have to reevaluate you know your whole approach to your career and life and think I'm okay as I am right now and that's okay and I can still do these other things. I can still have these goals. I can still try to do more and better. But the expectation has to be reduced. The acceptance of where I am and what I do had to be there and it's just. It took a while to do that.
Speaker 2:
Oh my gosh. Yes, and I'm thinking literally a decade or more to grapple with all of those life changes and become more accepted. Well, because you go through a long period of years where you're just unhappy and you don't even know it. Perhaps Right right.
Speaker 1:
Because I know fiercely competing all the time is just exhausting and you are not happy because, you're constantly looking over your shoulder for your competitors.
Speaker 2:
You're running that. You're never getting anywhere Exactly when that's the motivation. You can run all you want. You're still on a treadmill.
Speaker 1:
So I don't know that we've made a great point here at all or not, but I think the fact that you need to be accepting of yourself and whatever you bring to the table today is okay. That's enough. I think that's the key thing we wanted to bring to this particular episode. But is there one thing in this context that you can sort of give to or recommend to our listeners?
Speaker 2:
I think you know it's so frequently the same as all the other. Excuse me all the other things, but I really think that each and every one of us needs to pause. Even those of us who have made the journey, who have grasped this concept, who have made the change, you still need to be vigilant. You need to pause and listen to the dialogue in your head and find those points of the moments where you are saying you're not good enough.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and I think you know, even if you set goals within that context, you're not going to make them every day, Right? You know, sometimes you just can't do it and I think to go back and say that's okay, I am enough right now.
Speaker 2:
I did my best.
Speaker 1:
And that's all you need to do and that brings you a sense of peace. You know, even though that day didn't go, maybe not the way you liked it and you are uncomfortable with that, but it's okay and you can recover from that sooner and find the peace to then go on to do what you want to do tomorrow.
Speaker 2:
Yes, acceptance creates an opening. It opens a door. So, instead of feeling like you're constantly bumping up against failure, the acceptance of it's just life, it's change.
Speaker 1:
You're doing the best you can, and so I think that's all we will say for today and important, I think a really important topic though. And it's yeah, it is and I think you it's like the thing you posted today with our group you know you're going to fall in back into your old patterns, but the more you grapple with it, the more you think about it, the more you contemplate it, the sooner you're recognizing that you're back into that old pattern and you're able to get out of it sooner, and that's a major victory.
Speaker 2:
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:
You begin to do it less and less. You get out of it sooner and sooner. You never erase it completely, but your life just becomes so much more peaceful and you get more life satisfaction, more happiness.
Speaker 2:
You got it.
Speaker 1:
And so until next time, this has been Just One Thing.
