Episode 101 - 4 "Nevers" for Healthy Relationships

"Never swim right after eating" is a well-known rule that we follow for our physical health, but are there some "nevers" that you should apply for your mental health and prevention of issues in relationships? Short answer, YES! In this episode, learn four important pieces of advice to start applying to your reactions and decision making from now on!

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to episode 101 of the convenient counselor podcast. My name is Brianna leach. I'm a wife, a mom of three and a licensed counselor. This week. My self-care has looked like afternoon coffees and scheduling lunch dates with friends. And I hope that you're taking time out of your week to care for yourself as well. And I'm so glad you're here. Listening today. This podcast was created to give you a safe space, to learn more about yourself and about mental health topics on your time. I lovingly like to call it the awkward one sided be, but it's obviously no replacement for actual therapy, which I hope you are pursuing, but I do want it to be a supplement and something that you can apply to your week ahead. I know my intro. Isn't quite as exciting as last week's episode, where I had the three cutest kids introing me for 100th episode. If you haven't had a chance to listen to that yet, it is a really fun one where my husband Ben was able to interview me and just ask a few questions about what's been going on over the last 100 episodes and what brought me to this point and what I've learned along the way. But for today, we're gonna jump into four nevers for healthy relationships. Now I am anti as a counselor. I'm very quick to point out if someone is saying always never, oh, I, I never do that. He always does this. I joke that absolutes are absolutely horrible. But in this scenario when I use the word, never, I do mean as often as possible, don't let this happen. But I also know it's real life. There are exceptions to the rules, but in these scenarios, when you make an exception, there's probably gonna be a consequence. I'm just warning you. But when you think about the relationships in your life, they all require work. They require maintenance. They require paying attention. They require some give and take on each side. Relationships, not only with a significant other, a spouse, I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I know sometimes when we hear the word relationship, that's the first thing that pops into our head. But I'm also talking about friendships, relationships with family members, coworkers, and even your relationship with yourself. All of that takes investment in time and work. So how do you create healthy relationships? I'm not gonna go into all those details. That is not what today's episodes about. Sometimes we get an undated with how-tos and what to do to create healthy relationships. Today, I'm gonna tell you what not to do. These are some nevers that I often advise my counseling clients, my students, even myself, to apply in everyday situations. So here's the first one. Never argue after 10:00 PM.<laugh> no one is rational after 10:00 PM. I really don't know what else to tell you, but unless you are a night shift worker and you have trained your body to operate differently than the rest of us, no, one's really rational after 10:00 PM. That's typically when maybe you're getting ready for bed or you're in bed and you're rehashing the day and you're just really wanting to follow up on that thought you had earlier, because now you've got the argument ready? No, if you look at that clock and it's ten oh one, you close that phone, you close that conversation.<laugh> you stop talking and go to bed, sleep on it, revisit it in the morning. Just trust me on this one. I have never seen a couple in marriage counseling, say, I am so glad we stayed up all night talking about this because it was very rational and understanding. No, that does not happen. I've even had some Christian couples say to me, you all, you know, the Bible verse and Ephesians talks about don't let the sun go down in your anger. So we just need to stay up and fight. No in O<laugh>. Um, first of all, that's out of con text that versus actually, um, paraphrasing back in Psalms four, four that says don't let anger take over. Do not let it control. You go to sleep. Think about it overnight and remain silent. That's literally what Psalms four four says. So it's saying don't let anger overtake you. It's not saying, oh, the sun is setting. Let's work it out. So in this scenario, never argue or expect to have a productive argument after 10:00 PM. The next one is similar along the same veins, but never reply. When you are upset, this can be a text message. This could be an email calling someone back, even responding in person. It's okay to say to someone I am too upset right now to really gather my thoughts or say things I won't regret later. So practicing some self-control never reply when you're upset, go ahead and compose the text, compose the email, save it in word or save it in the notes app on your phone. Then the next morning, when you wake up or hours later, when you've cooled down, read it again. If everything feels accurate and rational, go for it. But sometimes we need that buffer just to avoid lot of recon work later, never reply when you're upset. Okay? The third one is never make a big decision when you are halting. Now, halt is an acronym that quite frankly, I use the most with toddlers or dealing with small children and helping parents realize maybe why their child is acting out. Ask yourself halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That applies as adults too guys.<laugh> especially myself. When you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, you're not gonna make the best decisions. So you certainly shouldn't be making a big decision in those moments. Maslow's hierarchy of needs meet those basic needs first and then reassess, and then contemplate the decision. Some of these are short term. Some of these are long term symptoms. You're only hungry until your next meal. You might be angry longer. You might be lonely for a season of time. You might be chronically tired for a season as well, emotionally or physically exhausted. Those are not the times when you should be making major life decisions. There's no perfect time to make a big decision, but I wouldn't do it in those. Especially if you're aware that you are halting at that moment. I like that. The acronym implies stopping. Just pause, meet those needs. Figure out why you're lonely. Get yourself fed, get some rest. And then reassess. This directly impacts your relationships because if you're making big decisions, when you are not operating at full capacity, mistakes can be made. And I don't want that for you the last never for at least today's episode. This might seem a little unexpected because it's talking about when you're doing well. Never make a big promise when you are happy, you might think Brianna, what in the world when I'm happy is when I'm thinking clearly. And I know I can do things and I know it's gonna be great. Yes. And you might owe over commit because when you're happy, when you're feeling good, when the coffee has kicked in just right, you feel invincible in reality, probably not. So<laugh> take a breath. A lot of this requires pausing, but let's say someone at work comes up and gives you an opportunity for a big assignment or a project that you've always had your eye on. And right now the coffee's flowing. You're feeling good. Things are going well. Yes, I can take all of that. You might be able to, I'm not saying you, but in that moment, take a step away. Sometimes big commitments. It's better to look at it through the lens of if I was tired, if I did feel a little stretched already, would I still want to do this project rather than making a big promise? When you're happy, this can apply with parenting as well. You know, kids, kids are getting along. You're happy. The sun is shining. Yes. We're gonna do X, Y, and Z today. And we're gonna go to the park. Then we're gonna get ice cream. Then we're gonna do this. And the second something goes wrong, you think, oh man, why did I promise all of that?<laugh> when you could have said, this is what we're doing right now. And then we'll see what's next. This is what we're doing right now. And then we'll move on to the next thing. Even when you're happy, give yourself a little bit of buffer in the decision making process. So those are the four nevers. I'll repeat'em again. Just in summary, never argue after 10:00 PM, never reply when you're upset, never make a big decision. When you are halting hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and never make a big promise. When you're happy. These are not full proof. And like I said, at the beginning, there's always exceptions to the rule. But for the most part, if you can follow these, it can save you a lot of time and trouble in your relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, family members, parenting. Even your relationship with yourself. Preventative measures are just as powerful, if not more than reparative. And if I can save you some time and energy, I am all about that. Your mental health will. Thank you. What are your nevers? I know this is my list. These are the ones I see the most often, but maybe you have some nevers in your life. I encourage both individuals and couples to come up with some of these nevers, some non-negotiables in your life that will help you maybe force some boundaries on your reactions or decision making. And here's the deal. Yes. These might be some nevers that I've told others to do and tried to tell myself, but I still do them. I mess up myself, grace, try again. The next time, learn from my mistakes<laugh> but the goal here is prevention and maintaining healthy relationships by adhering to some of these that's all for today. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you have a wonderful week ahead. And as always, you've got this and I am cheering you on, see you next time.