Embracing Imperfection: Navigating Perfectionism and Dating After 50

What if striving for perfection is actually holding you back from deeper connections and authentic happiness? Join us as we unpack the powerful theme of perfectionism, sharing personal stories of overcoming the pressure to maintain a flawless image. Imagine the candid reality of going live in a robe and headscarf and how embracing our imperfections can pave the way for true self-acceptance. We’ll also respond to community questions on dating after 50, shedding light on how to navigate relationships with grace and vulnerability.

Reflect on the ways imposter syndrome and perfectionism impact our relationships from a spiritual perspective, emphasizing the importance of embracing our inherent human flaws. Drawing wisdom from scriptures and personal anecdotes, we reveal how opening up about our imperfections can actually strengthen our bonds. Through real-life examples, we delve into the significance of transparency and the emotional freedom that comes with letting go of unrealistic expectations.

In this episode, we also explore the nuances of dating in midlife, guided by the teachings of an elder who reminds us that perfection is about the journey, not the destination. We discuss the importance of self-love and maintaining a relationship with God while constantly nurturing our relationships. Additionally, we highlight how our app and book aim to bridge the gap between dating and marriage by assessing readiness and addressing potential relationship pitfalls. Tune in to learn how character, faith, and values can help build stronger, more genuine connections.

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:00

And I'm Gil from the Rich Relationship Refuge and we are excited to be with you guys tonight. We haven't been with you guys, live in a minute Been a little busy.

Speaker 1: 0:08

Been a little busy with some stuff going on. But that's what you're supposed to do during the summertime Is get out and do some activities, be hanging out with the person that you're in love with and hanging out with your family and doing things that are just fun.

Speaker 2: 0:23

And writing books and publishing apps.

Speaker 1: 0:26

That's what everybody does in the summer, and some people's idea of fun is work, but everybody's different.

Speaker 2: 0:32

No, no, no. No. That's not my idea of fun, but today I went live on YouTube and on TikTok and I shared myself giving myself a mask. My husband has still not seen that yet, so he may have a conniption fit, because he doesn't believe that you should be out in house shoes or in headscarves. So I guess I was out in my robe and a scarf.

Speaker 1: 1:01

Nothing surprises me anymore and a scarf Nothing surprises me anymore when you really think about it. We take outside, we take strangers into our house, so hopefully you want to keep it somewhat good.

Speaker 2: 1:17

But if you don't, hey? So what he means when he says we bring strangers into our house is that we allow ourselves to be open all of us to you, all Right, and we love you and we're so glad to serve you.

Speaker 1: 1:29

But we do that Strangers in the House on a regular basis, yeah, yeah, but it's always good because we're a community and that's what we're trying to do, so we appreciate you guys hanging out with us. I know it's been a little while. We said we were coming on at 7, but we're a little delayed. But we said we were coming on at 7, but we're a little delayed. But we are here now to talk about a subject and answer a couple of questions that came in throughout the past week. No, they came out today.

Speaker 2: 1:57

Ok well came out today that we decided to just freestyle and talk a little bit about what they came up with. Yeah, so if you are watching now or watching later, let us know where you're watching from. We, this was a real. The questions were they came from two different platforms, from two different people, and I will share that in the link. I was trying to find it. Um, sometimes it's kind of hard to go back and find. I do remember that the person that asked the question about the dating was from tiktok and the person that asked the question about the topic because our topic is is perfectionism a trap?

Speaker 1: 2:29

How to navigate perfection.

Speaker 2: 2:31

Yeah, but the question is the title is is perfectionism a trap? How to navigate dating after 50? So we combined the two and made it into one episode and so if you have a question about relationships or dating or just something you want to know, we want to be a safe place for you to have those questions answered.

Speaker 1: 2:51

So bring it up in the chat yes, we'll try to catch it if we see it here.

Speaker 2: 2:55

I'm trying to look you have on his glasses yep, so we can see it.

Speaker 1: 2:59

So come on and join us, please share please share the link, please share the video.

Speaker 2: 3:04

Please continue to watch our own content. If you haven't subscribed yet, please subscribe. Turn on your notification bell so that when we come on, you'll know we're on and so you can continue to be a part the most important part of our community and also renee has worked really hard.

Speaker 1: 3:17

she mentioned it already at the very beginning of the new book, so make sure you check out the new book, the Singles Blueprint for Dating and Marriage. Get it. Get it. It's available now.

Speaker 2: 3:29

At Barnes Noble in person as well as online, so we'll have to share more about that, so check it out.

Speaker 1: 3:35

We have started doing some stuff out of the book, maybe for some of the teachings and some of the conversations for the lives that we're doing here right now. So you want to dive in and talk a little bit about this. The first topic is about the perfectionism.

Speaker 2: 3:50

And I'm going to start with a story. Okay, because I think that when the person asked the question, I was like whew, that's a question that I can definitely answer, and I think about even just what I did today, going live in my robe while I'm putting on a mask. That, for me, is something five years ago I would have never done.

Speaker 1: 4:14

Why is that?

Speaker 2: 4:15

Because I was so concerned about well, you know, you got to do things the right way, and is that proper? And is that appropriate? Is it inappropriate? The right way, and is that proper? And is that? Is that appropriate, is it inappropriate? And it's because for so many years I struggled with perfectionism, trying to do everything right, trying to get it right, trying to. And my thing wasn't ever so much about the image, it was about the overwhelming desire to do things without flaw okay and so one of the things that I did, I know, if you guys remember, I had a t-shirt, it was called.

Speaker 2: 4:49

It said Renee M Beavers. It said flawed, because we are flawed, everyone wants to be flawless, but it's more important that we understand that we are all flawed, and so I really, when the person asked the question, I was like, wow, yes, I can definitely address that and really share from my own life, because I had to realize that we're going to make mistakes, we're going to fail, we're going to do things wrong, we're going to maybe do something that may make someone see you in a bad light. That's just all a part of the human experience.

Speaker 1: 5:22

You know that was challenging, I think, even for me. Pastor was talking about the imposter syndrome. When you have a idea of how you should be doing things the right way, like you were kind of talking about the perfect way, so to speak. When you start, when you look at your life in light of scripture, or it gives you a different perspective about knowing who you really really are, when you know that you came into this world, like Romans 3 talks about, as a human. We are all failures in that sense in that context.

Speaker 1: 5:54

So you can't achieve perfection. No matter what you do, you can be good at a lot of things. There is no perfection, but that doesn't stop you from trying to do things as best as you possibly can. And I think a part of it for me was you mentioned it already was the fear of failure. Nobody likes to fail at anything that they do, especially in their relationships.

Speaker 1: 6:14

When you fail in a relationship and we've all had them where you've dated someone and it didn't work out and so you move on to the next one, that is a failure in a sense of maybe you didn't fail as a whole entirety of something, but you failed at the relationship and there was a reason why. There was a reason why whether the person wasn't the person for you or something that you may have done, you have to own it and think about it. But you can't let that hold you bondage to pursuing something that is far beyond our reach, when the Bible already tells you that you're human and you're going to fail at things. Don't even try it, don't even think about it.

Speaker 2: 6:50

It's not that you don't try your best, it's that you don't try to do everything without making mistakes. We're going to say the wrong thing, we're going to do the wrong thing, we are going to hurt people's feelings, we're going to do the wrong thing. We are going to hurt people's feelings, we're going to do things that are inappropriate. And the reason why I thought those even though the questions came from two different people and it was two different topics, but the solution is the same for both of them and I thought that that was really beautiful because as soon as I thought about it, I was like wow, and so let's talk about what perfectionism is. What is it Like, wow, and so let's talk about what perfectionism is.

Speaker 2: 7:28

What is it? It's? You know, let's kind of describe it, and if I had to describe it in my own words, it is an overwhelming sense of doing things without any room for you to be human, without any room for you to grow, with an unrealistic expectation of performing at a level that is not humanly possible. And so if I had to describe perfectionism, that's what I would say it is. I think it's really. Even though on the outward it's like you're doing everything really well inwardly, you're really setting yourself up for emotional failure, because it's impossible to do things with perfection, because everything that comes from us, that's impossible to do things with perfection, oh yeah, because we have to. Everything that comes from us, that's good, it comes from God, and so it's not us, it's Christ in us, not us doing everything.

Speaker 1: 8:14

And I think it's a part of it is a mindset that you actually have. When you think about the mindset that we all obtain and we try to do things as best we possibly can, especially in our relationships, you want to put the best face or the best instance of who you are forward all the time, every time. And how long was what you think about? How long are you dating someone before you let them see you? Let's just call it what it is. How long were you dating someone before you farted?

Speaker 2: 8:43

I think that's so funny I mean that's.

Speaker 1: 8:46

I know that sounds crazy, it sounds but it is it is your stomach is hurting. Yeah, your stomach is pains and maybe you had something that you're trying to hold.

Speaker 2: 8:55

your breath You're trying to do all this. Now Gil has grown, because he would have never said that before.

Speaker 1: 9:00

See, and you rub off. See, I'm not perfect, I know that, but even just something like that, in the sense of Something, as simple as that. Even I mean, you've been around people who like that. I mean, come on, it's like, do you?

Speaker 2: 9:14

pass gas, I mean. So one of the things that I always say is that as long as you do do MP, you're just like me. If you do that, that means you're human, and so we need to understand that there are certain things that level the playing ground. And it just makes you human.

Speaker 1: 9:34

And to me, if the fact that I pass gas makes you not like me then bye.

Speaker 2: 9:36

I know that sounds crazy, but that sounds trivial, but it really is, especially in this dating terrain, as our girl camille says it's. What did she say? It was uh diabolical. Yeah, it was treacherous. So I can see how you could be eliminated by just something as simple as oh my gosh, he or she passed gas.

Speaker 2: 9:52

I got to be perfect and you can't be. You can't be. It's not possible. You're going to see each other. I really thought it was really cute. I showed you I was watching someone's feed and they created this video. They show when you first start dating. She was taking her husband some tissue in the bathroom and in the first year Toilet paper, because they were having to sit down.

Speaker 2: 10:09

Yeah, the first and in the first year because they were having to sit down. Yeah, the first time she had her face all covered up and everything. That was the first year. And in the second year she just you know handed in third year but by the last, by about 15 years, she was sitting there with him talking, having a snack.

Speaker 2: 10:21

Well, having a snack while they were. So it just shows you the we have to be open to the progression of our relationships evolving, with us being totally vulnerable, totally transparent. That's why I felt totally comfortable with you guys showing you guys, my mask. I'm like these are my people, they love me and I love them. So I don't have to show you the edited, perfect version of me, because, guess what, there isn't one.

Speaker 1: 10:45

You said something earlier about the whole perfectionism and pursuing of that and how the image is how you try to portray and display yourself in a certain light. But talk a little bit about the having a low self-worth when it comes to perfection.

Speaker 2: 10:59

Yeah, and you know, you think that it would make. It is coming from a place of high value, but really perfectionism is coming from a place of you not valuing yourself, because we always say you are more than enough. So if I'm more than enough, what is it that I'm going to do or give that's going to make me more valuable? Because what makes you valuable? We always say that you have enough stuff. You know who you are, you know how to say no. That's where the enoughness of God comes from you. Knowing that me, by myself, all along in a room with nothing, I am enough. And so perfectionism to me, knowing who you are in Christ and knowing that your value, your identity, is in something or someone bigger than you, it kind of really smashes the whole idea of perfectionism.

Speaker 1: 11:47

Oh yeah, it puts it in perspective. You also think about when you are trying to seek or you're actually trying, to be perfect in your relationships. You almost have like this fear that you, if I make a mistake, it's going to be over. That's unrealistic. It is. Mistakes are a part of just life. They're just a part of being in relationships. It's a part of just being a human, a part of just being a human. But we put so much weight on ourselves to maintain this status or maintain this image, if I can put it that way, that we don't make mistakes and if you're always trying to own up to that or try to maintain that mantle or live up to that.

Speaker 2: 12:26

yeah, that's a good way of putting it, You're going to be exhausted.

Speaker 1: 12:28

Oh man, you're going to be so exhausted because you're not going to be perfect.

Speaker 2: 12:32

Yeah, because the part of it is understanding. If you're going to be exhausted oh man, you're going to be so exhausted because you're not going to be perfect. Yeah, because part of it is understanding. If you're going to spend the rest of your life with this person, do you only want them to know the smallest part of you? I want you to know every part of me, the good, the bad, the highs, the lows, my strengths or weaknesses. And you know? No, you don't do that on the first date. That's something you have to build up to. But I think it's important that we understand that the reason why we have been able to be together and to have a healthy relationship for so long is because we have brought to each other who we really are.

Speaker 1: 13:01

You know, a part of that is really just accepting who you're with for who they are.

Speaker 2: 13:06

But you have to first accept yourself.

Speaker 2: 13:08

Yeah, go ahead, I think that's one of the things that I think, especially now in this climate, just watching the things that go on. And one of the things I said today was something that someone told me when I was a teen that has stuck with me is that when you love, you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. So when you love you, the way you love you is going to be the way you love other people, and so you have to make sure that you really have accepted and that you understand and you're not going to know all of it. It's a process, because what I know about myself at 20, what I know about myself at 56 has changed. So I think one of the biggest things that you have to be extending to yourself, to kind of crush perfectionism, is grace.

Speaker 1: 13:49

Right, and that kind of blades over into the second part of the conversation, which is dating after 50. And, brian, we thank you for just chiming in and just putting some emojis down there. Thank you for hanging out with us for a little while. Put something in there if you want to contribute to the conversation, because that's what this is really all about. We are just going live and talking about real topics that people are really going through in their relationships.

Speaker 2: 14:18

Renee and I have been together 35 plus years and so even over that time we have had ups and downs and made right turns and left turns and all the things in between, and made good decisions and bad decisions, and we just want to prevent you from share with you the things we've done right and also the things that we've done wrong, because no one has done everything right and no one has done everything wrong, and so it's just understanding that, bringing that both from a male and a female and a biblical perspective, I really believe that what we're doing, it's blessing us and so we pray that it's a blessing you all.

Speaker 1: 14:46

Because and I think I'll sum it up on the last thing when we talk about only God is perfect and that's the last thing we wanted to say about the perfection thing Only God is perfect, and Matthew tells you that in chapter four. It talks about perfection of God. Keep that in mind. We can never measure up to that. It doesn't mean that we can't aspire to be the best we can be for the people that we love and care about, whether it's your significant other, your husband, wife, your relatives, your kids, your employer, your employees, your colleagues, whomever. Just know that it's a part of just being in life. You know, if you have that fear of failure, just know it's inevitable, it's nothing that you can do. But you have to always be self-gauging and self-assessing when am I at? Am I trying to get better? If you're not in that position of trying to stay where you're at, that's what you want to get away from is to always get better.

Speaker 2: 15:38

I'm sorry. I remember when we were at Dunamis there was an elder. He really loved Hebrew and Greek and one of the things that he said. We were in a class and he said perfection is not hitting the bullseye, perfection is always trying to. Yes, and so I love that. So that helped me to kind of realize okay, I'm never going to hit it, but I should never give up trying. Right, so I'm never going to be everything that Gil has ever dreamed of, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

Speaker 1: 16:10

And even on top of that, a part of that I think goes along with is realistic expectations. Yes, having realistic expectations for the people you're in relationship with. That's a part of not allowing that person to be human and to fail and to do all the things that we've already talked about. When you have that standard that this person can't achieve what you expected, then that's an unfair expectation to put on anyone. I think about in our relationship when we first got married that there was some unrealistic expectations that Renee put on me to maintain, as we talked.

Speaker 1: 16:47

Well, it was. I think it goes back to. Well, it wasn't three, it was goes back to, I think, the the low self-esteem or the esteem issues where Renee it wasn't that she was thinking she wasn't worth anything, it was, I think she lacked the confidence in who she was on that and she expected me to make up for the gap. Yes, and to re-encourage her and to be constantly affirming and constantly doing the things where only God can do that.

Speaker 2: 17:12

I wanted you to make me feel good about me.

Speaker 1: 17:14

Yeah, and that goes back to what you said already of you have to love yourself first and how God created you first in order for that to happen. Because if you try to put that expectation on another human being, you're going to wear them out. It's impossible. We already just told you they're going to fail because they're human. The Bible tells you that. So keep that in mind when you're having those expectations for the people that you love and care about, but also give them the grace that you kind of mentioned already to be human, to be the person.

Speaker 2: 17:45

And understand that a relationship with God you know I know it sounds simple, god, you know I know it sounds simple, but having a relationship with God is the only way you're going to really be able to see the world through a lens that is sustainable, because in our own power, in our own humanness, in our own brokenness, we are going to see people through our own brokenness and that's why your relationship with God is important and therapy and things like that Counseling, hanging out with us, with coaching and all those things Spending time being exposed to different mindsets, being exposed to different ways of doing things.

Speaker 2: 18:17

So, on your own, on our own, the only thing we're going to do is produce more of what's inside of us. But in order to produce something that's going to be able to help someone else, you need to have people who you know, the people, the friends who will tell you the hard things, they will ask you the hard questions, but they'll encourage you that they will, you know, lift you up, and so relationships are a part of you becoming the best version of yourself.

Speaker 1: 18:41

Right, Because you can only manifest what's on the inside of you. Everybody heard that saying. A lot of people have heard it. Hurting people hurt other people. Well, that's a part of the recipe for getting over the perfection, but that's also getting better at your relationships, Because if you give people the grace to be who they are, or even having a sober mindset about who you are and knowing that you're flawed and you have issues and you have things that you're working on, just like them, but also give them the grace to know that they're in the same boat.

Speaker 1: 19:15

That makes life so much easier with living life with other people. Yeah, I love the way you say that, brian. The more you practice, the more you're consistent. You become better at it, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 19:25

Because you get good at what you practice.

Speaker 1: 19:27

Oh, absolutely. So. You mentioned about grace, so we kind of transition into the dating part. Now we're going to need y'all to help us out here, because we dated for a short time, even with each other. Well, we dated each other and I think when you said that when you posed the question at the very beginning, dating doesn't change because of your age, the way you date and the mindset that you have you just have more money to do it though you should. Well, you can go ahead with that one.

Speaker 2: 19:58

Okay, so this is my perspective. In the world of renee um, dating is something you do for the rest of your life. You don't just date when you're a teenager and then you get married, and then you just your mid-20s, 30, 30s and 40s. No dating is the gift that God gives to marriage. It's something you should be doing forever.

Speaker 2: 20:18

Oh, absolutely, so you're learning how to do it with training wheels on. When you're younger you should be, but then when you're married, you're dating. This is my. We date every week, we date every day, we check in on each other, and so how do you date in your 50s? I can say how you date in your 50s because I'm dating in my 50s, and it's one. The thing I said is connected is grace. First of all, give yourself grace, because sometimes, when we do things later, we feel like we're a go back to a what A failure. Just because you're dating later, it doesn't mean that you're behind or that you're late or that something is wrong. One of the things that I love. I took a course by Nicole and one of the things she said was you can never get behind in your own journey. Right, if you're dating at 50, then that's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 21:06

But go date.

Speaker 2: 21:07

Yeah, go date. Don't allow what happened to you before to make you not date. Don't allow the disappointments and the things that happened in the past to stop you from dating. Dating is a gift that we're going to be doing for the rest of our life. So, whether you start dating at 16 or you start dating at 50, it's something you're going to have to learn how to get better at, and it's going to get better at it with different people. Yep, because I think about when I dated and I was laughing today because, you know, the first person I dated was you.

Speaker 1: 21:36

I can believe that.

Speaker 2: 21:38

I didn't. I didn't. I mean, my mother didn't allow me to date, so I didn't get to date. And Gil has made my dating experiences so great, even when we were teenagers. He took me places, he spent money on me, he exposed me my first concert, my first amusement park, my first real trip, my first fine dining experience.

Speaker 1: 22:00

This brother right here, and that's a part of just having fun. And just because you think about it, what's the purpose of dating? I remember asking I think I shared this before what is the purpose of dating? Some people think it's to have those friends with benefits, and that's not it. Some people think it's just to have someone to hang out or companionship. That's a part of it, but that's not the goal and that's not the purpose of dating. The purpose of dating is to find somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with, even if and for those who may be younger listening to this or watching this, it doesn't mean that you can't find your person at a young age because we found each other at a young age, we were.

Speaker 2: 22:41

And it doesn't mean you can't find your person at an older age. We were, yeah we were 20.

Speaker 1: 22:46

I mean really, when we got serious and got married. We got married at 21. We were 21 years old. Those are babies, man. I mean, we really barely.

Speaker 2: 22:55

We weren't babies. Life teaches you, life makes you grow up and I just think that our generation the Bible says each generation will get wiser but weaker. You guys, this generation is very intelligent and very articulate and they have a lot of information. But I think that our generation.

Speaker 1: 23:15

We have more application.

Speaker 2: 23:16

We may not have known as much, but we did more. We weren't trying to learn it, we were trying to do it, and that's how you learn, you learn by. We learned by doing.

Speaker 1: 23:26

Well, some of us didn't have a choice because we were last key kids. We're my last key kids. Go ahead and chime in. Yes, I'm dating myself. We were last key kids, so we were teaching each other foolishness, but we were also teaching each other some fun stuff. You know, I mean I ain't gonna get into we're gonna talk about that another time some of the foolish things we did as a young age. But this is something that we wanted to talk about because even the question came out as far as 50, we don't think it has something to do with the age. It has more to do with the mindset that we mentioned earlier, but also the purpose and what you're doing. What are you looking for If you're out there dating? Do you know what you're looking for?

Speaker 2: 24:05

And do you know the difference between dating and going out? Okay, we talk about that in our book.

Speaker 1: 24:10

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 24:13

That's in the book and I think we need to really have a different understand that there's a difference between dating and going out, and so many times we don't realize that there's a difference.

Speaker 2: 24:23

And so if you understand that dating is something you're going to do for the rest of your life with one person, because in the beginning you're just going out with a lot of people, but when you date, the dating phase of it is designed to be with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with um you guys know I love dear future wifey podcast and I was watching an episode and they're talking about how, um they're dating someone and they had things that they need to unpack and there was pain. One of the reasons why we created the app is because, after working with couples for 19 years, we realized that there's a gap between dating and getting married. It's like you're either dating or you're engaged, about to get married. But guess what? Dating and engaged, you're still single. So who helps you to get prepared for if you're even ready to date? And that's what the app does and that's what the book does. It helps you to kind of assess well, am I even ready to date?

Speaker 1: 25:19

You know you said something. You said an optimal word when Renee mentioned that we were going to be talking about this subject. She said gap and I was just talking and just she told me about it and it just resonated with me because I heard people's relationship have gaps in them and I really believe the Holy Spirit gave me this. People have gaps in their relationship and the source of those gaps if you have them in your relationship it's going to be gap is greed, arrogance or pride. So if you have gaps in those relationship areas greed, arrogance or pride in yourself Think about that. If you're struggling with someone, sometimes you can look outward and see those things like this. You can see them at the drop of a dime, but if you turn that mirror around and look at it as it applies to yourself.

Speaker 2: 26:09

That is so sexy, baby, you came up with that.

Speaker 1: 26:11

Well, if you look, at yourself, that's something that you really have to look at, because when I thought about that, I said greed. Okay, how am I greed towards in relationship? How is that creating a gap where it's never enough?

Speaker 2: 26:24

Somebody who is greedy has never enough of anything, an insatiable appetite it could be for food, it could be for sex, it could be for things, it could be for um titles, it could be for pleasure. Greed is never leading to anything getting closer. It's going to make you further away from people absolutely.

Speaker 1: 26:44

And when you talk about arrogance, some people people confuse arrogance with confidence. Confidence is having a reassurance about your ability to do something. Arrogance is trying to convince other people that you can do better or more than what you can do. But guess what? In the, in the instance, in the inside of who you are as that individual, you really know or you really have these thoughts that I'm really not good enough for that, really have these thoughts that I'm really not good enough for that, or thinking that you're too good for that other person or that other relationship to thinking, oh, I'm better than they are or I'm doing them a favor. You ever heard that term, marrying up or dating up? Yeah, if you are having those mindsets, or if you ever use that term, or even if you heard it, that's more than likely you're engaging with somebody that has an arrogance disposition.

Speaker 2: 27:30

And one of the things that I, when I think about the difference between arrogance and confidence, is that arrogance is based on you and confidence is based on God in you. Oh yeah, that's good Because arrogance is just what you can do, who you are, as you constantly trying to sell yourself and confidence is it's the Lord, and he just enabled me to do it.

Speaker 1: 27:49

Absolutely. And then the last one we talked about is pride. This is probably the Bible.

Speaker 1: 27:54

talks about it throughout the Bible, If you do a word search and just mention pride and just look for every instance of pride that you are going through. Think about this in a context of today's situation. If you have the mindset of deal breakers or things that are you saying are absolutes and that you can't live with, especially in a person, what's the origin of that? Where did you get that from? Where did you set that standard to the point that? Is it the standard that you set or is it the standard that God has presented in your life and you should have deal breakers, but they should be based on character.

Speaker 1: 28:29

Yes, they should be based on faith.

Speaker 2: 28:31

They should be based on value. They should not be based on Well girl, he took me to.

Speaker 1: 28:35

Or he drives this kind of car. Or he drives, or she wears, or he don't wear these kind of clothes.

Speaker 2: 28:39

Or her, or she's too light, or she's too dark, based on things that are not value, faith and character, then it's more likely for it that it is more than likely, as pride.

Speaker 1: 28:52

It's funny how we see. We know pride when it's relevant and visible. Big time in other people we can see it. It kind of goes into that arrogant stuff, but you see the pride in that person. There's nothing wrong with having pride in who you are being proud of.

Speaker 1: 29:08

Yeah that's a good way of putting it being proud of being proud of something, not pride in something. Right, when you think you're all that in a bag of chips, as they say, yes, you may want to check. How is my pride meter? Where is it at? Is it pegged out? Because other people will tell you real quick.

Speaker 2: 29:23

If you ask, and normally people who are prideful.

Speaker 1: 29:26

No, you're probably too arrogant to ask. They're not going to ask. They're not going to ask. They're going to be too arrogant to ask.

Speaker 2: 29:31

They're not going to ask. And one of the things you know I talked about this before, I said this before Pride has destroyed more relationships than sex.

Speaker 1: 29:37

That we've seen? Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 29:39

Because pride. The Bible says that pride comes before the fall, pride comes before the fall, and so whenever pride is leading, just know whoever is being led by pride, the outcome is going to be a fall. And you may not physically see the fall, but relationally, emotionally, physically, you will see the fall.

Speaker 1: 30:12

And it's a part of that person who is in pride will always see the flaw in you. If you're in a relationship and that person is always pointing out something that you need to be working on or thinking you're the source of the disagreement or the conflict or things that need to be resolved, or if they think you're the one that needs ABCD therapy or need to be talked to or whatever the case may be. Hopefully you're turning that mirror around, like we said at the beginning, and check yourself and see where am I adding this? Because if you're in a relationship with another person, you are going to be a source or a part of the problem, even if it's a little little, little, little little part of the conflict or anything else that happens in your relationship, anything that's just in your selection, because if you're in a relationship that you are not satisfied with, you still chose that.

Speaker 2: 30:49

And unless you're married? If you're married, you need to really work on getting the help you need, either get coaching- or you need training, or you may need therapy, because sometimes there's things that have happened to us in our past and that's why it's important, and when I was listening to Lataris it really made my heart happy, because I really know that what we've created is something that's so needed. You need to know where you are. You may think you're ready to date I'm good.

Speaker 2: 31:16

You may think you're ready to be engaged, you may think you're ready to be a wife or a husband, but you may not be. And if you're not willing to even check and see, guess what? That is Pride? Because we all have room for growth. We all have room Because we have been together since we were 18 years old. And it's not that we know everything because we don't. It's not that we have all the answers, but we don't. But we know more than someone who's just starting out in the journey. So if we're willing to open ourselves up and to share and to be available and to be vulnerable, why not take advantage of it?

Speaker 1: 31:55

Yeah, because all we're trying to do is decrease the learning curve and learn from the mistakes and some of the topics that we talk about. That's the whole purpose so you can get better at the relationships that you are in, and that's our goal. So we hope you got something out of this. We hope you. Thanks Brian for chiming in and hanging out with us we appreciate that.

Speaker 1: 32:13

Remember, check out the podcast, check out the YouTube videos and all the other things that we have out there. You can always reach us at Rich Relationship Refuge Gil and Renee. Whatever the case may be, reach out to us, put the comments in. When you see this posted out there, share it with somebody. Maybe you know If this wasn't applicable to you. Hopefully it was applicable to somebody that you know.

Speaker 2: 32:33

And, more than likely, if you don't think it was applicable to you, you're looking for somebody else. That might be that gap thing going on, one of the parts of the gap, and we're not talking about the gap band or the gap store, we're talking about the gap between you and relationships. And Gil, what is it?

Speaker 1: 32:47

It's the gap Greed, arrogance and pride.

Speaker 2: 32:51

He is so smart, I'm just going to marry him.

Speaker 1: 32:54

We'll see you guys next week.

Speaker 2: 32:55

We love you guys, and we'll see you guys next week. We'll go live next week.

Speaker 1: 32:59

Next week? Yeah, yeah, let us know Friday or Saturday. Yep, remember we're stronger together. Love you guys, see you.

Speaker 2: 33:04

You are more than enough in Christ Jesus. So if you guys have any questions, please, please, please, put them in the chat. We will answer them. We'll give a couple of minutes for you guys to ask questions. If you have questions or things you want to know, please put it in the chat. We're going to just give it a few more minutes. So if you guys have any questions. This was supposed to be our date night, but we decided to do this tonight because we're going to do something fun tomorrow, and maybe during the summer, friday night would be better too, or maybe Thursday night. So we'll see you guys. Let us know in the chat which day is better for you guys.

Speaker 1: 33:39

Well, we just want to hang out with you, so we appreciate you guys.

Speaker 2: 33:41

So we love you guys. Again, if you have any questions, put them in the comments in the chat. If you're watching now, watching later, don't forget to subscribe like um, turn on the bell notification and share this video with your family and friends. We love you and you are more than enough. In christ jesus. See ya, yep, right there.