Episode 293 - Michael John Cusick, "The Serenity Prayer: Letting Go of Control"

Welcome to Restoring the Soul! In this episode, Michael and Peter Zaremba explore the essence of courage, not as an absence of fear, but as the willingness to take intentional action amidst it. Peter brings to light the profound acts of everyday bravery witnessed within his men's group, intertwining their discussions with the biblical narrative that emphasizes the value of such courage.

They also reveal that courage is woven into the small, everyday fabrics of our lives—be it through acts of vulnerability, trust, or the simple yet profound steps toward spiritual growth. Michael likens courage to a muscle that gets stronger with practice, a concept they both relate to the importance of being fully present, accepting the present moment as is, and taking life's meaningful risks.

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Transcript

MICHAEL CUSICK: 0:00

Hey everybody, welcome back to the restoring the soul podcast. It's Michael when I'm here in the studio for the fourth and final episode in a series with my dear friend Peters aroma. Peter, welcome.

Unknown: 0:10

Welcome. Thank you.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 0:11

We are talking about the Serenity Prayer. Last time we talked, we are on the 25th floor of the Marriott at 40th. and Fifth Avenue. And the episode that we did on the Serenity Prayer didn't have a outcome that was favorable because of housekeeping and other noise on the street. So we're back talking about the Serenity Prayer today. I sure enjoyed my time with you face to face in New York City.

Peter Zaremba: 0:38

Me too. We had some good Korean food at the end. And

MICHAEL CUSICK: 0:43

some great conversation. That's always the best part. Let me jump right in Peter. And I want to start by praying the Serenity Prayer. So if you're listening, if you're in your car, please don't close your eyes. But take a breath. And I just invite you to listen to these words. God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living One day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship is the pathway to peace, taking as he did the sinful world as it is not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with him forever in the next. Amen. So Peter, I want to start by giving a little bit of context. And we could do several episodes on this. But most people who have heard the Serenity Prayer have probably heard the first part of this that has been made famous in Alcoholics Anonymous. And the first time this prayer appeared in Alcoholics Anonymous was in 1948, as the prayer was placed into the AAA grapevine, which was a little monthly booklet that came out as a way of letting AAA and 12 Step members have access to some of the teaching and to really to build a community. And that is the part about God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. As I mentioned, in a previous conversation with you, I grew up in the 12 steps went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting when I was five years old, with my dad with 46 years of sobriety. But in our home, we had a burlap banner that my sister had made with felt letters to kind of a 1970s Jesus movement, hippie thing that had the Serenity Prayer on it, and it was in our kitchen. And so even though I didn't grow up a quote, Bible believing evangelical Christian in my Catholic faith, part of the spirituality that I grew up in and around was this 12 Step spirituality. I remember that we had a plaque in another part of our house just in the next room over and it was in the living room. And it was a little circular plaque about the size of a shoebox. And it had the Serenity Prayer, the same thing there. And then we had, then we had a set of praying hands, that was a sculpture of two hands and more evangelical Bible believing people may have seen this at a Christian bookstore or something like that. But it was just praying hands on a block, and are said, the Serenity Prayer at the bottom of it and very small print. So it's something though it's I've been around it all my life. Only in the last 15 months has this become something really meaningful to me, as I have pressed into my own recovery from compulsive eating in a 12 step fellowship. And so the second part of this over this last 15 months is something that I've discovered. And this entire prayer was written, not as a prayer, but as a kind of journaling and reflecting in almost poem from the theologian and educator, and Pastor Reinhold Niebuhr, who taught at New York, Union Theological Seminary, all through the 30s and 40s, and into the 50s. And that's the part that says living one day at a time enjoying one moment at a time accepting hardship is the pathway to peace taking as he did, the sinful world as it is not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right. If I surrender to His will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever the next and how I like to think about this is that the second part of this prayer is really commentary and application on the first part. So as we jump into this today, I just want to frame this Peter is saying that for me II, the Serenity Prayer is a prayer to practice being human. It's a prayer to practice being human. And that as we grow in our faith as we grow in our union with Jesus, that we are meant to become more human, more fully human more fully alive as humans in our human body, as opposed to this idea that we somehow become less human, that we become more vaporous or more spiritual means less human. So this is a beautiful way to do that, and to grow. So I'll turn it back to you. What is this for any permit to you?

Peter Zaremba: 5:41

Well, I'm really embarrassed to admit this, but for some reason, I don't know why. I didn't know know that knee bore until recently, because, you know, we've talked about it. I didn't know kneeboard was the author. And I didn't know anything about the second part of the prayer until a good friend of mine, Matt. We have a men's group that meets every second Saturday up in Morristown, New Jersey. And he let he was leading, he was facilitating our group one morning, and he did on the Serenity Prayer on the full serenity prayer. Prior to that was maybe about four years ago, Michael, I thought, the Serenity Prayer was written by Francis of Assisi, for some reason, and, and, and I suppose, you know, the spirituality of letting go and, and, and incorporating the negative, if you will, kind of fit into that Franciscan theme, but like yourself, it's a prayer that I've known since I was young, that I in my head, understood, but I never really lived, studied, unpacked, I never saw it as a way to practice being human. Until very recently. And so I share a lot of, you know, we have a shared history on this thing.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 6:58

You know, there are four parts to this. And some people would say three parts, and I want to talk about each of these parts, I'm going to speak them upfront, and then we can come back and dissect them or comment on them one by one. There's the part about God, that some people when they you know, you can go online and find commentary on this and history and things like that. And Yale University where Reinhold Niebuhr got his bachelor's in his doctorate, they have a whole entire part of their library dedicated to him. And there's deep scholarship around whether or not this prayer was actually his. And I'm just, you know, for the sake of argument for the sake of conversation, I'm assuming that it is his, although there is some attribution that goes further back. And, you know, I joke that sometimes Christians will, between CS Lewis, St. Francis of Assisi, and Benjamin Franklin, we sometimes just attribute quotes to any one of those three. I know like St. Francis of Assisi said, a stitch in time saves nine. No, that was Ben Franklin. Or, you know, CS Lewis said something else that was attributed to Augustine. So the bottom line is that there was a man who deeply reflected on what was happening in the world, and in his own heart, and tried to put words to it this practice to becoming human. But so the three parts of this that are obvious are acceptance, God, grant me, the serenity to accept what I cannot change, courage, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom, the wisdom to know the difference. So I want to talk about acceptance, courage and wisdom. But the part that often gets skipped over is the god part God grant me these things. And it may seem so obvious, like, Duh, it's a prayer. But I want to start by saying, here's all we need to know about the God part is this prayer allows me to posture myself in a way where I'm saying, God, You are God. And I am not by pausing in literally saying, God 12 steps would say higher power, as you define that you are God, and I am not and I am surrendering to something bigger than me, someone better than me, someone stronger than me. And of course, in the 12 steps, the first step is to admit that we are powerless over blank in that our lives become unmanageable. And the beautiful hope of steps two and three in the hope of Christianity is therefore, if I am unable, then I can surrender to one who, who is able, if I empower less, I can surrender to someone who is powerful. And there's someone in one of my 12 Step fellowships that says, I'm an agnostic, and they truly are because they have no religious background. But here's what I do know about God, that if there is a God, he's got to be bigger and better than me. And I love that that's how Obviously not Christian doctrine, but it's, it's something that's just so simple like God, I don't know what's happening in me or in the world today. But I'm going to trust that you're bigger and better than me. And that's what I surrender to.

Peter Zaremba: 10:15

I think that, you know, you and I both kind of came to Christ in high school. And I remember, as a young, young follower of Christ reading and James, if anyone lacks wisdom, ask God who gives generously and there was in reading that I was really struck with this idea of, if I asked for this wisdom, I'll be given it and call that naivete or faith or just just the innocence of of who I was back then. But I, as you're saying, this, I really thought of that, that, that this prayer is a practice and having great confidence not in itself. But you know, God who wants to give us wisdom, courage, acceptance, and to walk the path of the Serenity Prayer.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 11:04

And you know, in retrospect, Peter, I look back on a lot of those verses that we're exposed to, and memorized or studied as young Christians in Young Life, discipleship and other ways that we were mentored. And I look at that passage in James one, five about wisdom. And there's this beautiful little part on the end of it that says, And God will grant us that wisdom without finding fault. In other words, I don't, I don't need to have my my crap together. I don't need to have been faithful for a certain number of days or weeks in a row praying to God, but I can come to Him at any time and just say, my life's a mess. I need wisdom. And I'm trusting that it's not based on my merit or favor or anything like that, that you want to give that to me. The other thing is that verses one through four of James chapter one are all about suffering. And so wisdom is in the context of life is happening to me right now in a way that I would not choose. There's pain, there's suffering, there's grief, there's loss. And I need wisdom about how to deal with this. And so I just want to say the obvious that I believe that the Serenity Prayer is deeply scriptural call, though, you know, as, as some people are often used to, it's not like, here's, God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change. And then there's parentheses with three Bible verses there, right? But it's deeply spiritual and biblical. So the fact that the starts with God is good news. And as Christians, when we wonder, what is God like? Is he better than me? Is he trustworthy? The answer is we look to Jesus, we look to the crucified Christ, we look to the fact that the glory of God is the crucified Christ as your good moments that we look to the fact that as Jesus said, If you've seen me, you've seen the Father. So this god that we're praying to, to entrust ourselves to and to surrender to is a God that looks like Jesus, as opposed to a God that looks like Zeus, a God of retribution, a God that looks like Molek, a God that requires death, and sacrifice of the innocent, and the unborn. So that's the starting point, shifting to acceptance, Peter, God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. We talked about this idea when we talked in three podcasts ago about the circle of control. And one of the things that I am increasingly aware of, is how little I can control and how little control I have over the things that I want to change, and how so much of my life is railing against believing that things shouldn't be this way. And until they are the way I want them, then I can't have peace. I can't have joy. I can't have a sense of trust. So this is really the crux of the prayer, if you will, is before we get to change and the courage to change, we've got to get to a place of acceptance. Talk about what this part has meant to you.

Peter Zaremba: 14:16

I think I shared this with you when we're in New York and my paraphrase of the beginning of the Serenity Prayer is God grant me that inner authority not to be defined or controlled by my circumstances. Yeah. You know, somebody shared with me years ago, a guy I worked with who we worked with each other maybe 20 years ago, and we were laughing about old stories and he said, you know, we loved you, but you were the most controlling Hi we'd ever met. I was I remember driving home from our conversation. I saw him at a trade show. And I just missed I was so sad and like, you know, like, I was so self I was so unaware of it. Like, if you had, if you had said, Hey, describe your life, what you were like when you're in your late 30s and early 40s, I could have, I could have owned a lot of my weaknesses and compulsions. And I wouldn't have said I was a controlling person. But, you know, the, maybe the power of, of control is that we're unaware of it or power for, you know, trying to control things beyond our control. What gives it its energy, what gives it its, its strength in our life is that we're unaware of it. So it's a very new idea for me to both identify what I can and can't control. And then that sense of God grant me an inner authority give me some reassurance that I don't need to run and be obsessed with things. But beyond my control.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 15:47

Yeah, I love what you're saying is you turn it to God, that there's a person to go to find a place to go to a place of real connection, a real place of oneness between this God and I and I hear this phrase a lot. Inside the 12 steps and out, I forbidden this phrase at restoring the soul with our staff where people say, well, it's just it is what it is. And there's something about that that's utterly true, right? Well, this situation is what it is. But it also can feel resigned, like, Okay, I'm, I'm just throwing my arms up and saying whatever. But acceptance is not simply saying it is what it is. But it's saying this hurts. This makes me angry. This anxiety is true. This is in my body. This is a scaring situation, I feel helpless, I don't know what to do. And if my hands and fingers are wrapped around that situation, that feeling that experience, I can actually open my hands, and there's someone there. And that someone is infinitely good, is infinitely trustworthy, is infinitely embracing me and present to me, regardless of my performance, my faithfulness, my intentionality? Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? The scriptural answer to that in Psalm 139 is nowhere.

Peter Zaremba: 17:20

Yeah, you know, the other thing, as you're saying, this, grant me the serenity would grant me this inner authority, that for decades, I knew this wasn't true. But I somehow had this mindset, that prayer was about getting God who's out there. Right. To to get involved in my life, my circumstances. And and I, I think what we're what we're getting at here is that this is also a reminder that we're reminding ourselves that God lives within us, His presence is infinite. Goodness is infinite love is within us. And we are reawakening to our union with that are already present can option. It's that never leaves us but our awareness of our always connected union with God can be easily lost, I for me, can be lost in about two seconds. And

MICHAEL CUSICK: 18:15

I say this in probably every third podcast, but quoting Martin Laird, from his book into the silent land, he says that union with God is never anything we have to acquire or attain our work or workup. It's just there. And that most of us, spiritually speaking, are like a person fishing for minnows while standing on the back of a whale. That the union is there, it's already there. We don't have to go fish for it or to seek it. So good reminder about that. So we're going to come back in a minute and talk about how to practice acceptance, but I want to move on to courage. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can't. So this is where the prayer doesn't just passively say, Oh, well, it is what it is. But it invites me to say in this situation, is there anything that I can do? Is there anything that in addition to surrender, which is letting go is there anything that I can pick up? Is there anything that I can take ahold of Is there anywhere where I can initiate or engage, or in that courage to change something that might also involve letting go of something? So talk about courage in terms of what this has meant for you?

Peter Zaremba: 19:34

Courage to me is courage is not the absence of fear or the absence of doubt. Courage is an intentional decision to step in some type of action, my words my actions. And, and for me, courage is a muscle. That the more I practice that the more I'm willing to get out of where I'm comfortable, where I know, I'm not in my wheelhouse, where I feel inadequate. You know, I mentioned this men's group that I'm a part of that meets once a month. And I'd say, man, you know, every quarter so, you know, we, we try and identify what is a relationship? Or what is a part of our life where we feel most inadequate? And what would it be like to show up there? And because we tend to stay where we know, we're strong, where we know, you know. And the story that always reminds me of that is, you know, Jesus is Chris from the treasury, he sees the widow, all these people dump in big sums. And he sees a woman put in a very small amount, and it says she's given more than all the rest. And we've used that as a way to say, you know, where in my life, can I step in by faith, and be a life giving person in a way that no one else would ever notice? In other words, if, if I'm being courageous, it's not going to because I do some great, amazing, heroic thing. No one's gonna know it, but me because it's going to be fairly insignificant, it's going to be, it's going to be the every day, it's not going to be the the impressive story, it's going to be man, I, I asked the name of a clerk that I've seen at Whole Foods for three months. And I, I, you know, some, that's a dumb example. But to me, courage is not the heroic, amazing, leaping off of a cliff action. It's something much more everyday tangible. And as we begin to step into that we get stronger and stronger. Yeah,

MICHAEL CUSICK: 21:46

gosh, I love so many things about that. And I will come back to the whole foods example, because I think that courage is more often than not 1000, very small acts of trust and vulnerability, as opposed to the large acts of jumping off a cliff or out of a plane or something like that. And I also want to comment about how courage is a muscle. That's such a helpful analogy for so much of the spiritual life that we think that, you know, somehow if we say the right words, that the Holy Spirit is going to come down into us in like air that just inflates a balloon, we're going to float up and rise up, and we'll be living the life that we want to live. But I think the way that the Holy Spirit works, and the way that God strengthens us, as we pray for the courage in this prayer, is by teaching us to exercise that muscle again and again and again. And because so much of healing, wholeness, integration, sobriety is about this process of growing up, it might be helpful just to come at from a developmental perspective, that when the infant is born into the world, that 100% of the strength, and the courage is on the part of the caregiver and the parent, they're acting on behalf of that infant. And as that infant grows, and they start to walk, and as they start to ride their tricycle as they start to throw the ball. And as they start to walk up the steps or take meaningful risks, that parent has to make that assessment, are they going to be able to handle this. And as that happens, that strength goes from the outside of the child to the inside of the child. And I'm not talking about physical strength, but that emotional strength, that psychological strength, that sense of what psychologists called ego strength, that sense of there's a me there, there's a there there, that is me, there's a home that is like Home Base internal, that allows me to then flex this muscle of courage and know that if I jump off the cliff with no parachute, that I'm probably going to crash on the ground. But if I do it with a parachute, and I've taken the classes, or if someone has said, It's okay, I'm handing you this parachute, and I know how to do it, or if there's a safety net there. In other words, if there's a meaningful risk that we take, the courage is appropriate, but it's because there's this inner strength inside. And so as we pray, give me the courage to change the things I can we're actually praying God work in me in such a way, where you're strengthening this muscle of me being able to be vulnerable, and to take meaningful risks. And the risk might be that you go into Whole Foods. And I know that, you know, whenever you and I are together in New York City, it's like you put your head down, and you just walk forward. And that's what everybody in New York City does, right? And I've got to walk really fast to catch up with you. And you can kind of be that way at the grocery store and wherever else because you like to get things done. So it's courage, and its vulnerability to stop and to look at that person and say, you know, I've been coming here for three months. And I'm Peter, what's what's your name? Have the courage to change the things I can. And somebody might say, well, how does that relate to sobriety into the Serenity Prayer. And I would say this, that this prayer is about helping us to be present. It's about helping us to be in the now in the present, and in the right here. Because if there's things happening in my life that I don't want to accept, and that I cannot accept, then I'm going to have to be out in the future. In 12 steps and addiction work, we call that future tripping, right, so I'm thinking about winning the lottery, that will take care of my financial problems, or I'm thinking about going on vacation. And that's all I can think about, instead of focusing on what's right here in front of me, or I start to tell myself what a bad leader I am, as opposed to focusing on the problem in front of me that's actually kind of solvable. So this idea of courage is the courage to be with what's right here. And then as I'm with it, I can actually go, oh, there's some things I can do. And there is a muscle that I can flex in the midst of ultimately being powerless. To determine the outcome, I can do something, I can show up on my yoga mat four times a week to do yoga, but I can't determine or predict whether I'm going to be able to stand on one leg without falling over. Because that's typically what what happens. And after doing yoga for about three months now, I'm realizing, wow, three months ago, I couldn't balance on one leg. And now I can most of the time. And that's a very practical example of the courage is I show up, as I show up, I engage in as I engage, if I'm standing on one leg, and I fall over which I often, you know, have literally fallen down or over instead of just wobbling, what they teach is like, that's okay, you showed up. And there's a very Christian idea of, you can give yourself compassion, Michael, you can be kind to yourself, as opposed to being mad that I'm not further along, or that I should be further along.

Peter Zaremba: 27:15

Yeah, well, I get that, you know, I think like, I have friends who, for them, courage is speaking up in the moment, and sharing a thought that that would normally, you know, bury, and then later, regret. Courage is being quiet in the moment, instead of feeling like I need to say something. What we're talking about is unique for everyone. And, and I know for me, I feel like I've succeeded in an act of courage when at when, when there's a bit of a have an inner sense of men. I am. I'm doing this by faith. And I don't know how it's gonna turn out. But I believe it's the right thing. As far as I can tell my heart's in the right place. When I feel that inner bit of angst, I know, okay, this, I'm doing something I need to do. That's, that's the, that's the context of courage. Yeah,

MICHAEL CUSICK: 28:13

I love that. Let's move on to wisdom. And then I want to give a five step way of practicing acceptance. So we talked about wisdom a little bit earlier, James chapter one, verse five, that God grants wisdom to anyone who asked without finding fault. And then I love how Solomon in the Old Testament, God says, asked me for anything you want, because you are my beloved David son. And Solomon doesn't say, I want to marry a beautiful woman, or, you know, I want a new chariot with extra chrome wheels or something. He says, I want wisdom. And there's a part of me that's like, well, of course, he's going to ask for wisdom, right? That's like asking the genie. Okay, you've got one wish left. What do you want? Well, I want five more wishes. You know? So when I, when I was like, very young believer, I remember saying, Well, of course, you're gonna ask for wisdom, because that's what that's the expected answer. But, Gosh, what a beautiful, humble prayer. And let me just give my definition of wisdom, the higher perspective and the skill that accompanies that. Wisdom is this higher perspective that's beyond myself. And beyond simply the traditional human perspective of looking at what's measureable, looking at what makes logic or common sense, but a higher perspective, that would be the ways of God, and then the skill, meaning the ability to actually live that out? So I think that just as we started with God as a book, and on the front end of this prayer, I would say that the book and on the other side is wisdom. We turned to God saying that you are better that you are stronger. And then we say, I need wisdom to know the difference because I want your higher perspective and I want the skill. And let me say this, I think that this prayer boils down to the fact, when you have these four elements of God, acceptance, courage and wisdom, I think this prayer boils down to trust and action, trusting that there's a person and a place to go. And that in the midst of being human in the midst of not having the quote, right answer, or the power to change, or to predict or guarantee the outcome that we can trust that all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. And that we can actually act that we can move, even if that means showing up. And I talked about and surfing for God, how there are two kinds of people in the world. And I didn't mean this to be funny, I guess some people have thought that it was funny, and it probably is funny. But it's my experience. The two kinds of people in the world are number one, people who who eat chocolate cake for breakfast, and wish they wouldn't. They're compulsive. And they say that they want to do things, and then they end up doing it. And how many times you know, here we are in the new year on January 6, and you know, the goals and resolutions that most people have. And how many times have I said, I'm not going to eat that chocolate cake that's in the refrigerator, and then I do, and then I'm off my food plan and everything else. So there's people that, that they eat chocolate cake for breakfast they wish they wouldn't. And then there's people that shudder and would be abhorred at the thought of eating chocolate cake for breakfast. And they should probably try it. Right? They shouldn't they should have it the first thing in the morning.

Unknown: 31:46

I absolutely. Remember you were the guy who introduced me to that. And

Peter Zaremba: 31:51

I always love that same because both are true in my life. Right? There's they're things that I do compulsively and afterward, you know, I full of regret and shame and you know, and then there's other things that were just not free, and where I'm superstitious still, or. And, you know, so I just I, I love that. And I do think it's funny, but I also think it's very insightful. And it's it's, you know, it's worth asking the question, what's the thing that I would never do? But maybe I should? Yeah,

MICHAEL CUSICK: 32:28

yeah, exactly. And so let's make this super practical. I want to walk through this little five point process of how to practice acceptance, how to live in a way where we're not controlled by our circumstances, just a little five point thing that I put together. And then I want to come back and quickly walk through the second part of the Serenity Prayer, which as I said, is just commentary on the first. So here's five ways to practice accepting things as they are. And feel free to comment along with me, Peter. The first is pay attention. If you want to practice accepting things as they are, and not as you would want them to be pay attention. And specifically, as my dear friend, Kurt Thompson says, pay attention to what you're paying attention to. I will have times a couple times a month, and with the new year coming even a little bit more frequently. What am I watching on television? And this is not a moral crusade soapbox, I'm getting up on about you know, do or don't watch that. But be mindful and pay attention to is this actually helping you? Or is this reinforcing stuff in your mind that you don't want to be thinking about? From time to time I love cop shows I love detective shows. And you know, I have a bent toward pacifism. I'm probably not a complete pacifist, but I'm not a violent person. I didn't grow up with guns. And I'm like, why am I drawn to TV shows where 20 people are murdered. And I'm watching that and I'm watching blood and gore in every single example. Now, if you love cop shows, please don't hear me as saying don't watch cop shows. What I'm saying is simply pay attention. Why do you do that? And as I pay attention, I begin to go hmm, I didn't realize that I eat so compulsively until things got so out of control 15 months ago that I had to pay attention to that in a way where I needed to take action. I needed the courage to change the things I could. So number one is pay attention number two, in practicing how to accept things as they are and to not be controlled by my circumstances is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. To get comfortable with discomfort. Most of life, there's discomfort there. And we're all seeking that moment or that space or that vacation, where things are just the way that they ought to be worse. Seeking that moment of exhale, that moment of peace. And I believe that the gospel is not that peace and goodness, and joy comes when discomfort leaves, but that we find the joy and the peace and the goodness in the midst of the discomfort. It's Paul, in a Roman prison in change, saying I can be content in all circumstances. And that wasn't just some platitude that he was saying he was saying, in the midst of this situation, there's a piece that I can access. And ultimately, that's what the Serenity Prayer is all about. Through trusting and action, there's a piece that we can access. And so some might go who this is sounding a little bit Eastern. Well, what is often Eastern is actually Middle Eastern, and Judaic, and coming from this Judeo Christian tradition, which is the foundation of the Jesus shaped spirituality that we talk so much about here. The spirituality of Jesus was talking to our dear friend, Ian recently, and I hope I don't preempt him with saying this, but he said this in a podcast recently, there are no problems, there are only situations. And that sounds like oh, yeah, right. But that means that we can have a neutral perspective, toward the unfavorable. Now somebody might go. So you're saying that my cancer diagnosis or the loss of my child or my unemployment, or the fact that I have long COVID, that that's not a problem. And I'm not in any way trying to diminish the suffering there. Because, again, all throughout Scripture, we're told to embrace the suffering, and that there's a hope, in the midst of the suffering. But it's to say that to look at it from a neutral perspective, is to accept and to speak, what is real, this hurts, this is angry, this is scary, this is breaking my heart, and it's simply a situation that I can be present to, because I'm powerless to change it.

Peter Zaremba: 37:13

So when you when you say, learn to be comfortable with what makes you uncomfortable. I, I think that that is a beautiful way to state it, because I have such strong, uncontrollable inner reactions to things, given the right circumstances. And, and again, it also like the first one, pay attention, to be aware that all of a sudden, now I feel this need, I'm, I'm fearful, or I'm, I'm angry, and I need to, I need something to change, you know, to, to be aware of that. And to somehow be comfortable with that unresolved inner conflict. Something about that feels like a very different way of living than, than decades of my life.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 38:14

Yes. And this brings us back to the welcoming prayer, which we did in the third episode of the subtle series of welcoming the discomfort and welcoming what might feel unpleasant. And it brings us back to centering prayer, the idea of simply being still and letting thoughts, perceptions, sensations, experiences, that may feel distracting, letting that be part of the sense of being present. And of course, as we talk about being comfortable with our discomfort, this brings us right back to courage. And this is how this prayer is all so beautifully woven together like a tapestry. It requires courage to be comfortable with my discomfort. But this is so liberating, because it means that I can begin to be present to whatever is there. The third thing, first is pay attention. Second is get comfortable with discomfort. The third thing is and this is my favorite in this little heuristic that I put together, and that is practice little acts of trust, little acts of trust, and we talked about this earlier, Julianne is somebody that it's hard for her to end the day and go to bed, if there's any dishes in the sink. And over the course of our marriage, there's been times where she's done that and more recently, where I'm the person that makes sure there's no dishes in the sink and I clean up after dinner and so on and so forth. And for her a little act of trust, might be to say, I'm going to leave the dishes in the kitchen sink and go to bed. Because for her, she finds peace and calm and there's nothing wrong with this. By knowing that Ah, okay, everything's taken care of, and I don't want to wake up in the morning and see dishes in the kitchen sink, because that would stress me out. But a sense of, it's okay, if I do wake up in the morning, and there's dishes in the kitchen sink. Now, fair fighting, let me give an example. For me, an example of a little act of trust, would be that when she's giving me feedback, or sharing a feeling about how she feels disappointed or frustrated about something I didn't do, for example, I didn't take care of the dishes in the kitchen sink, that she's just giving me her perspective. And she's just giving her me her feelings, and that it's not an attack, that it's not a threat. Because so often, that's the moment where I get tight inside, and I want to become reactive. And we you don't know all that I did yesterday, and how I got up in the middle of the night to take care of the puppy and I was so tired, I didn't have time to do what's in this thing. And instead of going down that route, a little act of trust would be to take a breath, to pay attention to say, I'm starting to get defensive, and then just to listen. So as you said earlier, for some people, a small act of little trust that we process, for some, it's keeping our mouth shut. For some, it's opening our mouth and speaking and offering something that we might not. And that's a way of accepting things as they are because wow, if I'm the person that has to open my mouth and say something that's a meaningful risk, or if it's vulnerable, for me to speak, that could cause things to go south. And I don't want that to happen, because I can't control that. And I can't accept that. So I hope that people are tracking on the two sides of this continuum, some have to do, and some have to not do. Some have to take action, and some have to stop action. Some have to eat chocolate cake when they're repulsed by that idea, and some have to stop eating chocolate cake. But we don't do this simply through the act of our willpower. We do it through the grace of God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The last part of what I would say is that we need to simply practice letting go and practicing surrender. And on a very practical basis, I encourage people for 30 seconds a day to sit with their feet flat on the floor, to close their eyes, if it works for them in that moment to make a fist. And to feel the tightness with their fist together. And I'm holding on the video my hands clenched and to take a breath and to exhale. And at the bottom of that exhale to open their hands. And if you clench your head fists for even 10 seconds, when you open your fist at the bottom of that exhale, it's going to be a little bit difficult. And the longer you hold your hands clenched, the more difficult it is to open your hands. And this becomes a practical illustration that surrender doesn't happen instantaneously. Surrender doesn't happen overnight. Just like Courage is a muscle that we exercise. Surrender. And trust is a muscle that we exercise, acknowledging our powerlessness is a muscle that we exercise. So practicing letting go. I'm sure

Peter Zaremba: 43:36

there's people out there like me, who said, I heard Michael say they were five ways, and we got through three was formed.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 43:44

You know, I was hoping you wouldn't notice that because I lost I lost the numbering on here. And I was like, I think this is the case. I do this all the time. You've seen me speak somewhere. And I say so there's three things that I want to say. And I go off on a tangent about one and two. And then I close and never say number three, and I get emails saying hey, what was number three? And I said, there actually never was one I was going to hopefully make it up along the way. Let me say them again, because I think I offered one without calling it number four. Number one, pay attention to what's happening to what it is that you're not accepting to what it is that you're saying this must change. Number two, get comfortable with discomfort. Number three practice little acts of trust. And then number four is actually consider the perspective of another person. Consider the fact that there are alternatives. Consider the fact that this doesn't actually have to change in order for there to be peace and joy and the ability to be present in the moment. And then fifth, is to practice letting go and surrendering as a way of exercising the smile So, in over time, we're going to realize that we can have this piece and this serenity. And you know, the root word of serenity is really calm. And I like the word calm. Over and above the word peace. Peace, to me has always felt like an emotional word. I feel peace right now. But calm, is emotional and physical. My heart feels peace and my body feels calm. That's what serenity is.

Peter Zaremba: 45:33

I think Jerry Stiller, as George Costanza, his dad, and Seinfeld with serenity.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 45:44

Yes, Jerry Stiller, let's come back to the end of this prayer. And I'm not going to say a lot about it, Peter. But the second part of the Serenity Prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, that we often don't know, is part of the Serenity Prayer. And I've come to pray this every day, every morning, and on days where I miss it, or I forget, I feel like there's something that's incomplete. And on days where I do pray it, I feel like it's a guide. So I'll start at the top again. And then say, the second part God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living One day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship, as the pathway to peace, taking as he did this sinful world as it is not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with him forever in the next. Here's what I'd like to do, I'd like to do just a quick overview of the entire second part, words that stand out to me, and then I'll let you comment. So first of all, living one day at a time in AAA and the 12 steps, that's just a huge man maximum one day at a time. And the beauty of that is that the teaching of Christ in don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough worry of its own. And then how Jesus talks about how the lilies of the field are clothed in splendor. And he's talking about Solomon quoting that. And then he's talking about how the birds of the air are taken care of, and how basically, Jesus is saying, God's got this, you can be right here, right now, one day at a time, one moment at a time. The second part, accepting hardship is the pathway to peace. I'm embarrassed to say this. But at 58 years old, I'm 59. Now, but when I started praying this prayer, and when I started my recovery from compulsive eating, I actually didn't believe that hardship was the pathway to peace. A hardship in exercise is it's hard to get out of bed and show up on my yoga mat. It's hard to go for a walk every day, when that's not something that I'm just inclined to do. It's hard to sit and prepare a sermon, it's hard to sit and prepare a budget. It's hard to go through chronic illness. But that's actually the pathway to peace, because it's not the removal of those things where I can sit on my couch, and watch my favorite Netflix series and binge it, which I've done over the break. Instead of doing the things I needed to do know, I'll watch TV, pressing through it is where I find the peace. There's really something true about how engaging in suffering, whether that's minute suffering of the moment, or whether it's the suffering that comes from having to live in a really, really hard life, that we cannot change, that embracing that. Embracing the moments, that's where God is God is in the present. He's not in the past. He's not in the future. He's the God of the past. He's the God of the future. But he exists only in the present moment. This next phrase about taking as he did this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it, that word sinful there. I think that what Niebuhr was saying, because he wrote this at a time, where it was either pre World War or right the beginning of World War Two, after of course, the Great War of World War One where the world was still in a very chaotic place like it is today. And this phrase, to me is so meaningful, like, Ah, here's how I want the world to be. Here's how I want it all to line up but nope. God who's bigger and better than me, and ultimately trustworthy and powerful. I want the world as it is because it will call as depression, anxiety, anger, or addiction in me, if I'm requiring it to be as I want it to be trusting that he'll make all things right. By surrendering to His will. There's a sense that it feels supernatural, it feels divine, it feels completely human at the same time, that when we surrender and trust, there, that's where rightness is. rightness is I am okay. I am at peace. I may be even in this circle of anxiety, but there's a place deep inside where everything is okay. The psychologist Tara brach calls this true refuge, the Psalmist. David might call this the fortress within where we need not be afraid, the safe place this tabernacle, the sanctuary within. And then the last part about that I may be reasonably happy. This is another part where I just smile. I'm embarrassed to say this as well, Peter and eager to hear your thoughts, I think I have a very American entitled idea that I deserve, and ought to demand complete happiness. And that if I arrange my life in such a way, where if my income gets to a certain point, and if I can live in a certain kind of house, and if my kids can turn out a certain way, then I am going to be supremely happy. Versus what if reasonably happy is good enough? What if moments filled with happiness instead of a continual flow of bliss? What if that's enough? And what if accepting the quote, reasonable happiness opens the door to joy and peace and love and patience and kindness and goodness and faithfulness and self control and the other kinds of things that the apostle Paul called the fruits of the Spirit, and then supremely happy with him forever in the next. I don't think of that so much as in the sweet by and by when I die and go to heaven, as much as in this deepest place of union with God, which I believe in Christians believe that on the other side of this physical life, there is a face to face relationship with God. But that there is a taste of that right now. That is the already but not yet. So those are my thoughts on the prayer. What do you think and feel about the second half of this prayer? What words or ideas stand out?

Peter Zaremba: 52:50

Yeah, as you're saying all this I, you had mentioned the phrase earlier, the spirituality of Jesus and I thought of a sermon on the mount that that just echoes so much of this, right? You know, each, don't worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough challenge of its own evil is the actual word but you know, I'm paraphrasing, you know, don't worry about what you're going to wear Don't worry, don't be obsessed with what you're going to wear with what you're going to eat. It's funny because you know, a good guy, you know, invited me to go watch giants Eagles tomorrow, and a couple of us are going and I said I'm gonna bring a pot of chili. I thought about this pot of chili ever since he invited me to the game. Three o'clock yesterday, my literally been planning about the ingredients I need to get. There's a snowstorm coming here in Jersey. I've worried about what storm I'm going to go to because I know there's this mad this ridiculous mad rush at grocery stores anytime it snows here. And I'm so you know, I mean, it's a small thing. But if Jesus is inviting us if this prayer is our words that are intended to simplify our path and to say, be present, and and, you know, be focused in this moment, let this day be enough, you know, and then to end it with reasonable happiness when I can I use the word happiness regarding circumstances. I think relationship for me, the word joy comes where I really have, at least in this season of my life experience a lot of joy and relationship. And our friendship is certainly a product of that. I'll settle for reasonably happy circumstances. Right. And so you know, that that sounds pretty, pretty good. So I I'm so grateful that we've spent the time that and you've reintroduced me to the second half of this prayer because it really is. It really invites us to a different way of approach We change our circumstances. And, you know, this is I used to think, man, the only people who pray this prayer are people with addictions and compulsions and people who are, you know, in recovery. And I, I just am so convinced that what you said earlier, this is an invitation to, to know how to be human. This is for everyone, this is universal. And, and it's to me, so filled with hope it makes God so accessible. And I tend at least a stage in my life I trust. And I'm drawn to the things that simplify life. Not simplistic, right? We're complex, life is complex. There are difficult questions, sometimes the details really matter. But this is a way of simplifying my heart. And I'm grateful for it. And I'm drawn to it.

MICHAEL CUSICK: 55:47

Those are great comments, I just want to make one comment off of that. And then we'll wrap up, you use the word, I'll settle for reasonable happiness. And I've used that word, I think, even during this podcast. And, and I want to say for our listeners, that perhaps a better word that relates to this whole prayer, but this idea of happiness that we're all pursuing, is that I will surrender into a reasonable happiness. I remember, for my five year anniversary, and Julianne and I will celebrate 33 years of marriage this year, but five year anniversary, we went to this little island called Palm Island off the Gulf Coast, and we're flying a kite. And it was this, you know, awesome husband moment where I got a kite, and I was going to impress her and woo her. And we're flying this kite, and we had this new 35 millimeter camera. So we flew the kite. And then I said, here's what I want to do, I want to take a picture of you flying the kite so that we have this picture of you on the beach, and the sunset is happening. And so I got so frustrated with the kite not flying and her not flying the kite, the right way. And the picture wasn't working out, she stopped. And she said, You are trying so hard to make a moment here that's going to make us happy down the road, that you're not enjoying what's happening right here of me enjoying flying the kite, that Utah. It's a great story, and that has played out through my whole life. And that's what I think happens. And that's the story of Genesis, chapter three, Adam and Eve are supremely happy, they're there with God and the cool of the day every day. And then along comes this opportunity based on this lie of you're not going to die. If you grasp and reach towards something that could make you even more happy that God is holding out on you. If you go for that and take that, then you will be supremely happy and even a greater way. And the reasonable happiness is not a settling like Oh, I'm only going to be seven tenths happy and I could be 10 tenths happy. It's a sense I think of that I can be present to the happiness that's here. And to the degree that I'm trying to make a moment in the future, flying the kite and not being there enjoying flying the kite, to the degree that I'm grasping for happiness, I can't actually be happy in the moment because I'm discontent. It's so counterintuitive, but to the listeners to those who have listened all the way through this series, the counter intuitiveness is that the way that we find life is by surrendering by dying. Jesus said, If you want to follow me, pick up your cross. And if you want to find your life, you have to lose it. To paraphrase if you want to find happiness, let go of your demand for happiness. And you will be reasonably reasonably happy in a way that you'll actually be content. And there's a way that's coming the supreme happiness that's really about how Adam and Eve walked with God and had a supreme happiness without striving and without high trying to grasp for it. So the end of that prayer, and this just struck me now is really about that I may find happiness without having to grasp it. And that there will come a time when that's all I know, with him for all of eternity. So brother, it's been so good talking with you about this. And thanks for sharing your journey. Thank

Peter Zaremba: 59:27

you, Michael. It's been both a joy and a real honor to do this together. Thank you

MICHAEL CUSICK: 59:34

to our listeners. Thanks for listening. And as always, I can't wait to be with you again on another episode of restoring the soul