Episode 307 - "Experience Authenticity and Connection at the RTS Men's Weekend"

Welcome to another episode of Restoring the Soul with Michael John Cusick. Today, Michael is joined by Intensive Clinical Soul Care Specialist Brian Boecker. Together, they explore the profound impact of an upcoming men’s intensive weekend in Monument, Colorado, from September 19th through the 22nd, 2024.

Throughout this discussion, they unpack the essential need for men to cultivate deep connections and authentic relationships, not just with others but within themselves. Brian shares insights into the weekend designed to foster safety, vulnerability, and authenticity to address the lack of meaningful friendships many men experience. He and Michael also delve into the transformational aftercare program that supports attendees beyond the weekend, emphasizing creating a sustained community through vulnerability and empathy.

Their conversation extends to the power of storytelling in shaping one's identity and the role of fathers in modeling vulnerability. Michael highlights the flawed "maps" of masculinity often passed down by fathers and the crucial need for new paradigms that embrace openness and connection.

Prepare to be moved by Ian Morgan Cron’s song "Land of My Fathers," which echoes throughout our discussion, bringing a poignant layer to the stories and experiences shared.

Click here for more information about the Fall 2024 Restoring the Soul Men's Intensive Weekend.

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Transcript

0:01

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the restoring the Soul podcast. I'm Michael Joncusick, and I am here live on the fourth floor overlooking eenie Meenie Sushi with my friend and colleague at restoring the soul, Brian Becker. Hello. Hey, Michael. Good to be with you. So good. Today we're going to be talking about the restoring the soul men's intensive weekend. Not everybody knows about this weekend because we only do it twice a year. Maybe longtime podcasts listeners have heard other podcasts featuring Kevin Triplett, Tony Anderson, and others who have been part of the weekend and shared some of their testimony. But thanks for being here today to talk about your experience. Hey, first of all, the weekend coming up, which, as I said, we only do twice a year, is September 19 through the 22nd of 2024. So that's in, let's see, today's May. So June, July, August, September. It's about three and a half months away. People may be hearing this podcast if they're listening to it just after we recorded it and thinking, September, that's forever away. Summer hasn't even started yet. But this weekend sells out fast, and we're going to tell you why you may want to seriously consider attending our men's intensive weekend. So, Brian, you are at restoring the soul coming up on three years, is that right? Correct. Doing intensive therapy. And from the beginning, you have been a part of this men's weekend and jumped right in. You've been a group therapist, you've been a chief of staff, you've been a chaplain to our prayer team, and you've done an amazing job with that. But whereas the weekend started out really revolving around the surfing for God material, and the majority of men who attended the intensive were coming for some kind of sexual addiction, sexual brokenness, infidelity or something, we've expanded it, and there's been more and more men coming that that's not their primary issue. So I'm curious, because that's not part of your background like it is mine. What was it like for you to come as a therapist three years ago, new to restoring the soul and to participate in this transformational weekend for men? Yeah, I think what really drew me in was just, again, seeing an opportunity to be with men in a really safe container where they could really explore a lot of their story, their past, again, their trauma, but in a very experiential way, that it wasn't focused on teaching as much as it was about creating an environment. I was thinking today a quote by Gabor mate, who says, people need two things. They need attachment, and they need authenticity. And oftentimes in life, they go, I can't really be authentic to get the attachment that I want. So I have to kind of shove that down in order to be the kind of person that people would want to connect to. And I think, again, that creates a whole host of problems, whether that's addictive behavior, which is Gabor mate's kind of specialty, or what he's worked with. But I think it creates all sorts of things. It's places where I have to perform in a certain way to meet your expectations in order to be connected with you. And I just think there's a whole host of things that people come with, whether that's relational difficulties in their marriage, whether that's burnout in ministry, whether that's just difficulty engaging with life. I think there's this. This disconnect that people don't know how to be both connected and authentic in the same space. And I think that's what the weeknd really uniquely provides, is this unique container where people can actually pour out, tell out, experience out their story in a way that feels really connected to other men. And I just think that's what men are super hungry for. They know there's something missing on an authenticity level. And again, I think a lot of times, for myself personally, that that space of, if you really knew me, would you still want to be with me? Would I still be wanted or needed, or want to be a friend with me? And I just think there's a unique environment that we're building in these weekends, which allows us to be able to experience that. What you're saying is so profound. I mean, stand alone, even apart from our weekend, this idea of attachment, which is connection, and the reliability of that connection, and then authenticity, which is, can I be my real self? And that's one of the things that at the weekend, because it's experiential, because we've been doing this, this will be our 17th weekend in twelve years that we really create a very safe environment for men to connect with others deeply in a 66 hours window of time, but to be themselves, to be authentic, to be brutally honest, not just about behaviors, sin, failure, etcetera, but to be honest about their need, about their longing. I've found that when men get together in a safe environment, sometimes it's harder for us to talk about our needs and our longings and our wants, because we've experienced so much disappointment or pain around that than it is to talk about our sin and so much of what's out there whether it's in the church or in culture is don't be authentic, don't be real, because that's the only way that you're going to get relationship. But it's actually a pseudo relationship, isn't it? It's a kind of false self. Yeah, I think that's really well said. I just think, again, those words are really true, that sometimes the hardest thing for me to. It can be easy to talk about maybe my sin or my failure or my brokenness. It's harder to talk about what I desire, what am I grieving? What have I lost, right? Like there's such a bootstrapping mentality. Like I don't need to talk about my childhood, I don't need to talk about the pain in my life, I don't need to know what's been left behind. And I just think having a safe place to do that begins to actually reframe the way we engage with others about their pain, about their loss, about their desires, about their grief. And I think that can be quite formative. I just think that the picture, right. You look at the stories that Jesus tells in the gospel, he's frequently engaging people that don't know if they want to be wanted again. The woman for twelve years had been bleeding, right? She was known as unclean, unwanted, unwelcomed, right? And she reaches out, touch Jesus. In that instant she's healed. But Jesus knew she needed something else. He turns around in this throng of people and he looks at her and he says, daughter. Right? And that one word reframes everything. That's what she most wanted to hear was, you're not unwanted, you're not unclean, you're actually my daughter. And he says that in this group of people. So it doesn't just reframe it for her personally, but it reframes probably the way that those people will forever treat her, that she was seen that way. And I think that's the power. I think our weekend pairs well with our intensive work, because while our intensive work goes deep with people, sometimes to be able to bring that into other relationships becomes absolutely critical, that I can bring this authenticity into other relationships of attachment and begin to experience both those things. Holding both of those things, well, I can be both connected and authentic and still be deeply loved and held in that. Yeah. After our traditional intensive programs of two week and one week programs, even with a couple, they're relating together. During that time, an individual is only relating to the therapist, but then they have to leave the intensive, go back home or to their environment and then begin to practice the connection and the authenticity. And I love how at our weekend, the, what we call soul groups during this weekend, because we move from a large group circle context to small groups, soul groups of about five participants. And in the beginning I thought, oh, this will be nice that we have these group experiences for guys and they get to know each other. But what started happening from the very first weekend in 2012 when surfing for God was released, is that these men developed relationships long beyond the weekend. And one of the desperate cries of men's hearts is often, I don't have many friends, or I talked with a very successful businessman recently, in his early fifties, and he said, I don't have a friend that's not a business acquaintance or one of the people that's part of my counsel or my advisory team. And we go to ball games and we golf, but I don't have a friend that if I'm hurting, I could just call. And there have been instances over the years, as the weekend has played out, where these men stay connected. And two men that met each other at the weekend ended up one of them got married and the other became the best man at his wedding. There was such a deep connection. I'm reminded of just two years ago, of a particular soul group that my friend Peter led. Peter's been on the podcast before, and that group committed to staying connected, and they have a quarterly Zoom meeting where they stay connected. And some of those men have flown to other cities. And so what's happening there is not just a 66 hours. Some people might think it's an artificial experience, but an actual construction of a real community with real connection, with the opportunity for real relationships. And then, of course, because I'm talking about after the weekend, we have this twelve week aftercare program that I've come to actually be really proud of, that we've done again. Back in the old day, the aftercare would be that I'd send somebody a PDF and a video that I had done somewhere somewhat related to the weekend. But our dear friend Tom Schlosser, who's a therapist who flies in from Pennsylvania to work at the weekend he runs at Aftercare, and it's really robust where men sign up for an app and there's daily or multiple times a week points of contact and text groups. And then I think you have also been on some of those aftercare talks where the soul groups get together and there's Zoom meetings where guys can stay connected, continue to do their healing work. What's it been like, when you've been on those follow up calls. Yeah, I've done that a couple times. And I would say both Tom and I know David Dewar has been helping out with that as well. And I just think those are quality men that really continue to give opportunity for men to be connected in an authentic way. And I think that's what really the weekend does, is it feels like it reshapes people's hope for what could be possible in relationships. It definitely creates, or I don't know if it creates it, I think awakens a longing for connection that's really deep. And so I think those aftercare calls just give opportunity to keep doing that work. And, like, any longing that we have here on earth, right, like, there's always an ache of I want or need more. I think that's always going to be present. But I think it awakens to them that I was made for this. I was made for this connection. Again, Gabor mate's opposite of addiction isn't health. The opposite of addiction is connection. And I just think that's so critical that whether it's our week long or two week long intensives or the men's weekend, people need to be back into community that can offer that vulnerability and empathy that allows for authentic connection. And I just think that becomes really important for people to either be part of or to create for themselves. I know Kevin Triplett tells that story, right? He went back from the weekend and he just started meeting with guys and leading them through the surfing for God book. And there was just such a hunger, one of needing that and wanting that, but also too wanting other men to experience that sense of, here's a safe place where you can be seen, soothe, safe, secure, in a very practical kind of way with other people. And so I think the aftercare program, I agree with you. Tom is brilliant at what he does in leading that. And I think he just continues to invite men into that place of inviting that kind of authentic kind of connection with each other. Even in those calls, you know, I. Want to get into some of the details of what happens at the weekend. A lot of it men won't know ahead of time, because part of it is the encounter and the surprise and the not being prepared, because I know I like to be in control, and I always want to know what's happening next. And that often gets in the way. But I want to pause and I want to open the scriptures and turn to Isaiah 61. And anybody that's been listening to this podcast would know that Isaiah 61, one three are really theme verses for the ministry, restoring the soul that provides intensive counseling for our core values and vision, but also really the vision for this podcast, which is to help people close the gap between what they actually believe about God, or what they want to believe, or what they once believe, and then what they actually experience. And so Isaiah 61 says, this is Jesus getting up and reading this text. It's in Luke four, but I'm actually going to read from Isaiah 61, which he was quoting, the spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has appointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted and to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor. As you talk about attachment and authenticity or connection and vulnerability, those are really the two hinge pins of how we change. Ultimately, there's an attachment to God, where his grace and mercy and power works in us, allowing us to change. Some people need to be able to attach and connect in an authentic way with others before that actually happens with God. Some people are so disconnected from themselves that they can't attach to others and they can't attach to God. And then I occasionally see some people, and I actually worked with someone this week in an intensive who actually has the gift of a very beautiful, childlike faith in God. They've always felt beloved. They've always felt they belong in God's heart and kingdom and hands and family. And yet there's so much wounding that has happened on a childhood level that it's in the interpersonal or horizontal, if you will. So I think that there's really something to this idea that neuroscience discusses. It illustrates it. I don't want to say proves the Bible, but connection at the weekend happens because men are able to bring their deepest, truest self, the vulnerable self, the part of them that they think, if I'm this, then I won't be wanted, loved, et cetera. Certainly not going to be seen, soothed, safe and secure. But this verse is foundational to everything that we're doing. And what happens at the weekend is that men come really feeling the rawness of their brokenness. And as you said, for some that's simply exhaustion, spiritual exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, oftentimes because of drivenness or because of a difficulty setting boundaries. And they leave and they look like different men. We've often talked about how on Thursday night, because it goes from Thursday, roughly dinner time, to Sunday at noon, how men will arrive just looking heavy and some of them are cloaked in shame and discouragement, and almost everybody is like, hey, what's going to happen here? Am I going to get my head shaved and have to wear a robe? Is this a cult? And of course that doesn't happen. But I know when I did a weekend like this, I was incredibly anxious because I wasn't a guy, I wasn't in control. But what we see, and every one of our staff people could testify to this and every attendee could testify to this, that how men begin to appear over 66 hours, how the heaviness turns to lightness, how the skepticism and darkness and depression turns to joy, how the sense of hopelessness and nothing's ever going to change turns to hope, and not in a pressured way, where after this weekend's over, I now have to work my tail off to make sure I never do these things again, but really kind of awakened and then invited into a journey beyond that. That is what binds up the broken heart and sets captive free, the freedom being that I don't actually have to get God's favor, as this passage talks about, but God's favor is now available in Christ, that I don't have to get the favor of others because I've actually been, if you will, my worst self in this context. And rather than people being freaked out by that, they're actually more drawn to me, that that's what binds up the broken heart. And as I said that, let me ask you this question. I think you've had this experience. Isn't it weird how when we get into a group of people, and it could even happen in our staff meetings, we see it at the weekend, we see it in our individual therapy. We're all afraid that if I share this vulnerable x, y or z with you about me, that you will judge me, that you'll abandon me, that I will be shamed by you. And it's almost always the opposite, and we see this at the weekend, that men are like, no, dude, I respect you more. Your stock has just gone higher. I want to be with you because of your openness and your vulnerability. Has that been your experience? Yeah, for sure. I was thinking, you know, just that sense of, like, the places I think in the last number of years, it feels like I need to be in a place where I'm not in control, where I don't know what's going to happen next. Right. I know a lot again. Been years in ministry, been years in kind of doing counseling kind of work. I'm always trying to figure out what's going to happen next. And actually I need to be led into a place beyond my defenses. And there's a lot of defenses that come up in my head intellectually, emotionally. Don't go there, whatever those may be. And I just think that's the beauty of the environment, is that being led to a vulnerable place in a safe environment becomes really important. I think of your friend Kurt Thompson's great words, right? Every child is born into this world looking for somebody, looking for them. And sometimes people have given up on that. I don't think anybody's coming. But what I see happen in the men's heart is they're like, maybe it's true, maybe somebody does care about those parts of my story, maybe somebody does care about that part of me that's long gone missing. I just think Jesus is coming after us, man. He just does not rest. He's always seeking and saving that which is lost. And that's the beauty of that is creating a place where parts of our lives and stories can be found. And I just think that's been the significance of my work, is that people have created safe environments where I could actually find those parts of me that long ago went missing and can be touched and seen and valued and welcomed back again. Much like that woman, right? Twelve years of not being wanted, of being scorned, right? And wondering if she'll ever be wanted again. She just wanted to get well. She didn't know she'd get her name back. And I think that's what the beauty of that story is, is that Jesus goes, I don't want you to just be physically well. I want you to know that you belong and that you're welcomed here. Yeah, talk about a bonus of healing. To me it feels like the bonus was the stopping of the bleeding or the hemorrhage with that woman and not to in any way invalidate or minimize how many of us need physical healing. And after twelve years that woman would need it. But it was almost like, oh yeah, in that story with Jesus, he called me daughter and I realized that's what God is like and that I actually am seen and I know my identity and oh, by the way, I stopped bleeding, you know, and it's a little bit like our weekend where, you know, guys might come because they have a sexual compulsion, addiction or some kind of abuse or trauma, or as you said earlier, maybe they've got difficulty with anger or probably the most frequent thing across the board. But when we do intensives is oftentimes a wife kind of elbowing a husband in the ribs and saying, you know, you're emotionally disconnected. You don't know how to be intimate. You don't know how to have a deeper relationship. And you need to go to this weekend. And, you know, initially, as I said, for the first five years of our weekend, it was really focused on sexual brokenness, and it was called the surfing for God weekend. But we rebranded it and we call it the restoring the soul weekend because more and more men have come, and we want men to come for whom sexual brokenness is not a primary issue. And that they. They come and they go, well, I'm here because I don't know how to intimacy to do intimacy. And I learned that that or the door was open to that. But what really happened was I connected deeply with other men, and that changed my life, because when you're not able to connect deeply with other men, you're not going to be able to connect deeply with your wife. And I'll sometimes hear guys say, oh, my wife's my best friend. We have a great relationship. And then my next question will often be, well, tell me about who your closest friends are. I really don't have close friends. It's just her and I. And there might be some wives who would listen to this and go, wow, I'd love that. Right? Because he's not engaged. But a deep, authentic connection with a woman for a man requires the ability to be vulnerable across the board. So I just want to pause for a minute because we're talking about this continuum of struggles and brokenness for men. And there's a song that I want to play by my dear friend Ian Kron, known to many of our listeners as Ian Morgan Kron, the author of Road back to you. And he's been on many of our podcasts. And what folks don't know about Ian is that he's a Dove award winning songwriter that early in his professional career, he was a studio musician in New York City that he still performs with the Rob Mathis band annually alongside David Sanborn, Vanessa Williams and others. But Ian, back in the nineties, was a prolific songwriter, and he had a CD that's no longer available called sacred hunger. And on that album, he wrote a song called land of my fathers. And it's a song that's like an old sea shanty song that's about the pain that men carry in their hearts. So let's take a minute, play this song, listen to the lyrics, and then we'll come back and maybe talk a little bit about those lyrics. As it relates to our weekend, and then get into the specifics of the restoring the soul weekend, which is September 19 through the 22nd of 2024, just three and a half months away. And by the way, the registration for the restoring the soul weekend opens on May 15, and we sell out quickly. There's only 30 spots, so if you're listening to this podcast and are thinking of registering, we encourage you to do that ASAP. And if there's someone that you think would benefit from attending, whether it's your partner, friend, family member, co worker, somebody that you are helping or caring for on their journey, May 15 the registration opens@restoringthesoulweekend.com. But here we are now with Ian Morgan Kron and land of my fathers. My father drank courage to get through the morning, and he drank more to get through the night, and it carved out a highway that runs through my soul that I find myself walking to tonight. This is the map that my father left me. It's the same one his daddy left him, and I followed it closely, hoping to find his heart waiting for me at the but it led me the war where I cued the man and it made me a fortune and I lost it again. And it took me on travels in search of adventure, but it never once helped me to capture the land of my fathers. This hunger is primal, but I'm not alone. I've seen it in stronger men's eyes. We all feel like Esau. Robbed of our blessings, we surrender to desperate lives. We go to our mountains bearing our trophies, saying, when will enough be enough? But we leave there discouraged but always determined that tomorrow we'll bring the right stuff. We make millions of dollars. It runs like the bay. We too were sick, but don't know what we crave. Our women and children go overboard. First we must travel light in this unethical search for the land of our father. Cry, cry, cry and admit the embrace that you wanted most has come in and gone out like the tide on this coast. Run, run, run toward the emptiness you tried to fill. You couldn't then, you can't now and you never will find the land of your father's lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, la la. So that was land of my fathers by Ian Morgan Kron. And ive listened to that song hundreds of times. Brian, how did that impact you? What stands out? Yeah, again, just the big picture, right? The stories that we tell ourselves that come down from our parents and our families. You know, a number of years ago, I was thinking my dad passed away in December of 2021. And one of the things I most appreciated about him was he, for whatever reason, began talking about the fears that he had. And that was something I never saw in my dad. I saw very competent, very controlled, very perfectionistic man that seemed to always get things right, which felt completely opposite of me. Right. And I lived with this tape, like that song said. I lived with these desperate lies in my head, trying to figure out how to be more competent, how to kind of get my crap together enough to kind of take care of life in this world. And I think when he named his fears, there was something suddenly that I could begin to see as, oh, I can relate to that. And there was something that freed up in me that I could begin to see my dad's heart on a totally different level. And that was probably one of the best gifts my dad gave me. And it comes right back to connection and vulnerability. Yeah. Attachment, authenticity, connection, vulnerability that we all long for. Connection with our fathers, for those of us that have had fathers in our life. And I know that. That some people listening to this, that's not the case. And many men will say, oh, I had connection with my dad. We did things together. He taught me these things. But then I'll often ask, well, you know, what did you know about his vulnerabilities? And do you even have the ability to speak of those vulnerabilities? Right? Because many men like, oh, I can't name that there's anything wrong with my dad, because then the shiny is worn off the trophy, if you will. But I think what we long for is to know our dad's weaknesses, limitations, vulnerabilities. And to have dad reveal that to our own hearts and ears. And it feels life giving. We're going to need to wrap up. Just quick comment. What always stands out to me from that song is the fact that, number one, we were all given a map from our fathers. Here's what it means to be a man and to navigate the world. And for most of us, that map has some significant flaws and detours in it, which don't serve us well. They may help us to survive, but they don't serve us well. But the second thing is that there really is a map forward. And that's what the restoring the soul weekend does, is it gives men an experience of connection and authenticity that says, that's the map. The way to walk into wholeness, the way to walk into your heart, being bound up by Christ and his good gifts and his community, the way to freedom is living in this way of vulnerability and connection. And the line from Ian that says, cry, cry, cry and admit the embrace that you wanted most has come in and gone out like the tide on this coast. Run, run toward the emptiness you tried to fill. You couldn't then, you can't now, and you never will find the land of your fathers. And that doesn't mean that you'll never find a dad that you never had. It means you'll never connect with your dad's heart unless there's the vulnerability in both directions. And for myself, I know only my story and men that I've talked with on a deep level, that's not our story. Where we were given, at least when we were younger, the connection and the vulnerability. So at our weekend, we take men into their wounds. Wounds of presence, things that happened that never should have happened, wounds of absence, things that should have happened and didn't and left us incomplete as men, unfinished men, and set on a trajectory of needing to meet our deepest needs through performance and affiliation and influence and things like that. We also deal a lot with shame. And that's often the biggest takeaway for men, is I came believing lies about myself. I came being fueled by needing to perform to be better, to become more adequate, in effect, to earn love so that people wouldn't leave me, so that people will engage with me. In other words, to live a life where I can guarantee that that attachment will be there and I'll never have to be vulnerable. We need to do this again, and I'd love to get a couple of the guys who have actually been to the weekend as participants who have said, hey, if you ever want to have me on, I'd love to do that. But once again, the restoring the soul weekend is restoring the soul weekend.com. Our next weekend is coming up September 19 through the 22nd of 2024. It's in monument, Colorado. We take over a bed and breakfast there. There is discretion and privacy. It's a beautiful property. There's great food and registration opens May 15, 2024, and I hope to see you there. If you have any questions, you can write us@inforestoringthesoul.com and to each and every listener, you are valuable. It's to you that we are speaking and sharing every week. And if you have topics that you'd like to hear on the restoring the Soul podcast, if you have questions, you can always write us@infoestoringthesoul.com dot so we've. Wrapped up another episode of restoring the Soul. We want you to know that restoring the soul is so much more than a podcast. In fact, the heart of what we have done for nearly 20 years is intensive counseling, when you can't wait months or years to get out of the rut you're in. Our intensive counseling programs in Colorado allow you to experience deep change in half day blocks over two weeks. To learn more, visit restoringthesoul.com. That's restoringthesoul.com. It.