Am I Settling? Self Worth, Comparison & Timelines ⌛ Answering Listener Q's: Quickie with Amanda Blair

QUICKIE: Am I settling in my relationship? Why do I feel so behind? What are tools to manage rough patches? Today I'm back with my Quickies co-host Amanda Blair to breakdown all things comparison, self worth, and timelines. We answer your listener Q's, share our current musings, and give tools & tips for overcoming comparison culture. 

On this episode we cover:

• Comparison culture
• "Tradwife" banter
• compromise in relationships
• Signs you're settling
• Breaking free from timelines
• Listener Q's

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💘 Let's be internet friends!!

•  @thebedside 
• www.thebedside.co

Connect with Quickies cohost Amanda Blair:

• amandablair.org (she does 1:1 coaching!) 
• @xoamandablair

Be sure to rate, review, and share this episode with a friend! LOVE YOU! 

Transcript

Tatiana Fogt (00:02.314)
This is Bedside, a podcast series on a mission to debunk sex. I'm your host Tatiana, and each week we uncover stories, ideas, and expert information to help guide you on your ever evolving journey of deep love, relationships, and good sex. Oh, and a little bit of manifestation sprinkled in there too.

Tatiana Fogt (00:31.598)
Hey everybody, welcome back to the Bedside Podcast. We have got another Quickies episode for you this week, which honestly have turned into not only some of your guys' favorite episodes, but I am obsessed with them equally. So, you know what's funny is I have people tell me a lot like, oh, you should have a podcast. And I'm always like, I don't want to do that. And then I'm like, wait, no, I do have one. I just have just a little monthly episode one and it's my favorite and I love it.

It's so good. I know. I can imagine people beg you for a podcast and you're like, you can come do sessions with me. You can have a session. I do feel like podcasts. I love podcasts. I love our podcasts and I think you have a great podcast. I think that I am not good with the technical side of things. So the editing stuff, I would always say I have to farm that out. And that's not in my...

purview right now to add that in of doing that and finding the person. And then there's a lot that goes into it. You work really hard and that requires a lot. And I just don't have that in me to give right now at this time. Valid respect. And yes, it definitely is a good amount of effort. I can't lie. Whatever people are like, I want to start a podcast. I'm like, actually genuinely do. Also, it's a lot of work. But...

I'm excited to do it. And like this community is everything. And I feel like Amanda and I just value you guys so much. And like we're giddy about every time we get on, because we're like, what do we want to talk about today? And just like full transparency here, because I love when podcasts do this, they like pull behind the curtains a little bit. We already recorded this on Tuesday, but we were having tech issues and Tatiana was...

cutting out, so I was just going off on my own and I wasn't really having her to bounce off of. And so I feel like I was just way off the rails and I needed to be rained on in. And so we are re -recording to make it more succinct. Yes, life of podcasting. Yeah, and it really is the reality. We have definitely, it's probably maybe the second time we've done this before where we're like, okay, I think we got to re -record. Yeah, I don't think we've ever.

Tatiana Fogt (02:55.406)
Maybe we have fully re -recorded, but I feel like we have gone back after a couple of ones and been like, that section I just don't feel good about, let's like re -record that one little section, which I always think is good. Like I like that we both have those instincts and that we both like wanna make this as good as possible for people. So it's not just like us having fun and like gabbing, but we're also trying to make sure that you as a listener can get the most out of it because we like care about that.

Yeah, guys, permission in your own lives. I know probably many of you don't have podcasts, but like, I feel like permission in your own lives. I once heard a family friend say this and it kind of became something that I now live by. And they were just like, you can always go back, like permission to go back and revise or fix. And they were even saying it in the context of like, if you did a wrong, you can write a wrong. And I was just like, yeah, you know what? Permission to go back, permission to just.

refine if need be. That's something that I actually always say to clients. I'm always like, you can go back and you fix it or I'd say it's in a different way, but like you don't have to have it in the moment, especially when we're working on changing patterns. It is hard to change patterns because they are deep in that subconscious mind. Your brain wants to repeat what it knows.

It's deeply uncomfortable. You're gonna feel unsafe subconsciously when you're going, you know, again to the green. And so going back to correct is the way that you get to holding a boundary in the moment is not holding a boundary in the moment, catching it later and going back with that person and being like, hey, I didn't say this in the moment because I'm, you know, here's like what I'm working through. And I just want to say it now, cause I'm trying to get practice saying it. Here's my actual boundary.

And that is good. That is how we get to, in the moment I can do it. But I think we often think perfectionism is the way and it is not the way. We want progress and going back to correct is the way that we keep there. I love that. Oh my God, that's actually great sounding advice. Yeah, because it's hard in the moment. And if we held ourselves to having to change a pattern in the moment, we would never

Tatiana Fogt (05:17.966)
Create change. Yep. And then we would be in like a beating ourselves up loop, which I bet a lot of you listening are in, right? So instead of doing that, this is what I have clients do and like help to build the awareness is either daily, whatever feels more comfortable for you, depending on how your brain works, daily, weekly, monthly, reflect, go back, whatever you're working on. Where did I not set boundaries? Where did I not speak about my needs? Where was I not communicating? Whatever it is that you're working on.

go back and find the places that weren't there, that you didn't do that at the time. And then from there, go back and correct and have those conversations. And usually people are really uncomfortable, like, oh my God, how could I? People will think that I'm being so whatever. I'm like, first of all, no one will care. And if they do, let's talk about that relationship a little deeper. And two, you're doing it for you.

you're not doing it for anything else and you need to make your growth more important, right? So there's like a lot of growth even within that context, but that's just how you can start to build some awareness and have that availability to go back and correct. I love that. And the more you do it, the easier it gets, the more casual it becomes. It's like that big daunting thing at first. And then you're like, Oh wait, actually. And you, you find your style, right? Like, I think we talked about this last quickies, but like, I'm a big voice note girl.

Because sometimes I find that like, I like will text a paragraph and I don't know, I don't want it to come across as something or, you know, I just have a lot of thoughts, right? And so sometimes I'll just like hit a quick voice note to someone and just maybe explain a situation further, easy peasy. I've found that's a really great way to go back and revise. We've done that before. We talked about it on the last episode, right? Like a quick, hey, da, da, da, da, let's rerecord, right? Yeah. Hey, I went off the rails. Let's read that. Yeah.

Anyways, guys, Amanda's birthday is tomorrow, but by the time you listen to this episode... I will already be 39. Yeah.

Tatiana Fogt (07:21.934)
But happy birthday. Thank you. I am really stoked about this birthday. I think that coming to the end of a decade is special and cool because you're like reflecting on that whole decade and 39 feels a fucking world away from 29. I will say that I am much happier at 39 than I was at 29. Oh, God, 29, I was miserable. Anyway, what I'm sort of like percolating on.

like really thinking about, which is so funny. Zach and I were just in the car and he got me an ice cream cake for my birthday because I really wanted an ice cream cake. I love ice cream cake. I fucking… Is it Carbell or did you go like gourmet? Oh, well, I wish that I could do something like that, but I can't because gluten and dairy allergies. So it's from Cates, which is a vegan ice cream place and also a gourmet ice cream place. So it's like allergen free for me. But I was like reflecting on turning 39 and he was like, you…

think about turning a certain age a lot. I was like, I in fact do. But what I've like sort of been thinking about is I'm just very relaxed in myself. This is the most relaxed I've been in myself ever in that I don't feel this need to like strive to like prove myself. Like I feel I have proven myself to myself. You know what I mean? So I just don't feel the need to have to do that where past times in my life I have really felt like,

You know, like that anxiety of like, oh my God. And I don't feel that anymore. I just feel like really settled in myself and like who I am, like really like in my body, which feels really good. Does that mean that everything is perfect for me? No, certainly not. And I definitely am. There's so many areas of growth that I am pursuing, but I'm just not worried about them. How did you get to that place? Because I will speak.

pretty transparently about myself, I feel like I'm there -ish. And like I've realized, I've been talking about this on the show a bit and like on my Instagram and all, and like socials and stuff, I've been hitting a bit of burnout because I personally have been running like a million miles per hour. I've been doing way too much and I'm actually genuinely like paring back right now, which has felt really, really good. But I've realized it's because of this timeline race, right?

Tatiana Fogt (09:47.342)
this like self -imposed pressure slash like comparison that I see online a lot of like the shoulds that I feel like I've put in my head. And though I feel like many of us, especially on your like self -healing, deep work journey, whatever it might be, though you are aware of it and kind of working through a lot of those shoulds, they still come up, right? So I'm like, tell me, tell me Amanda, like what, what are things that have helped you?

Well, I think that, you know, I reached burnout when I was at a cult, when I was in the cult, which was a yoga studio in New York. And guys, I love Amanda's cult era. If you've been listening to the show, she references. It's so crazy. Cause like, I definitely see how I got there. Like I see why I went there. It makes sense for me at that time. I'm like, yeah, any cult I would have been like, let's get on board.

Now I'm a little bit more discerning, but before then, nope. So it makes sense. Wait, wait, wait. Let's explain really quickly for new listeners, Amanda joined, what was it? Because it wasn't like you weren't like in the middle. I was in New York. It just, cults have also been described as a high demand group. And I think that's a really great way to think about it. Like there was very high demand on my emotional, spiritual, physical, like everything. But reaching that burnout was actually like a really important.

lesson for me, because it was like, you cannot prioritize anything over your wellbeing. Nothing is worth that. And that was really important to learn. But I think the way that I've gotten here, you know, what you're talking about timelines, is that something that I had to really look at and work on? Because those were something that I was really obsessed with in my like early thirties. And when I was in my early thirties, it was like, my biggest thing was I wasn't living alone.

and I wanted to, and I was in New York and I wasn't making enough money and I wanted to. And I felt like such a failure. Like I turned 35 and I still had roommates and I was just like, I have failed. And learning to like really work through that made me look at my identity and how I identify and pull my identity out of external things and pull it super internal.

Tatiana Fogt (12:12.63)
so that my identity is always like, I'm a being who is worthy before I am anything else, like a woman, a partner, a therapist, or whatever it may be. And doing that really helped me get to the next level of security in myself and also recognize that, though I know that I knew it logically, there is no timeline. It's made up. The society is made up and we're all just...

playing along and like we live in a patriarchy and like all this stuff. But I have to really look how that was affecting me. If I'm just doing things to do them, that doesn't bring me what I actually want. That brings me like worse suffering. I had already been through experiences where I had done things just to do them to say like box checked. Those were like some of the worst experiences of my life. So it really had to be, if you want to be in a place where,

you're constantly treading water and like stay there. But if you want to be in a place where you're able to like really relax and be in you, we have to like choose us and what we're doing and be so attuned to validating that myself that I don't need the external validation of I'm checking these boxes. And like that is how I sort of am where I am where I no longer feel pressure.

of timelines, I no longer feel like I have boxes to check. I also think that's like part of getting older. Like that's part of the wisdom that comes, you know? But I think that there's also people in their forties who haven't got there. You know, like it's not just baked in. I think you have to work at it, but I think it is available to you the older you get. Yeah, no, I think so. And I wonder too, like, have you felt like it has been a discerning of what is truly valuable to you versus what is

like an outside facing validation conversation. Is that what you feel like has been the differentiator between the box checking and the timeline race? Totally. It's for me, what it's really about is learning how to deeply attune and self validate, right? Like shortly after I turned 35, I was able to finally move out on my own and like get my own apartment. Like it was fantastic and awesome, but like it didn't make me like a better

Tatiana Fogt (14:33.614)
person or whatever. It was something that I like deeply wanted and I really, I'm glad I got to have that experience. But I think it was removing my worth from that box being checked. Like I am still worthy. And even if I live with roommates until I'm, you know, in my forties, I am still worthy. That doesn't change. So it was really learning how to sort of remove identity and worth from external experiences and learn how to deeply attune to me and self validate that.

shifted that and I actually started a newsletter on this very topic of breaking up with timelines and women learning how to do this for themselves. And so following their journey and where that leads them and that they're not checking boxes when people, you know, society says they should be checking boxes, but they're pursuing themselves and like what that means. And it's not pretty, it's, you know, it's messy and they're learning, but like that's part of it. And.

I want to continue that conversation and amplify that message because I think it's super important. Yes. I want all of us to embrace the mess a little bit more, myself included. Yes. I so do not have it together. Sometimes I feel like I'll go online and be like, oh my God, these people have it so together. I'm like, wait, what am I saying? I'm comparing someone's highlight reel right now. This is not - Totally. Well, I think, you know -

The way that I look at that now, so for example, let's say I'm online and I see someone who, Megan Fox, I just watched her call her daddy episode. So let's say I'm looking at Megan Fox and Megan Fox is very thin and very fit and I can look at her body and I can compare myself. I'm not as thin. I think I'm probably fit, but a little different now that I have a broken shoulder, but I'm still not as fit as her aesthetically, we can say.

And I could compare myself and feel bad about that. I could do that. And I, you know, past me's have done that. But what I do now is I look at that and I look at what that takes. Cause I know the behind the scenes of that. I know that, you know, we'll also on the podcast, she's sharing that she has like severe body dysmorphia and she had, you know, had to be hospitalized for eating disorders when she was a kid. So I'm like, you know, she not only does she have money to have people helping her.

Tatiana Fogt (16:59.246)
She doesn't have to do that on her own. So she has people to cook for her. She has trainers to train for her and create workout plans for her, stylist to style her and all the things. But that level of effort of never eating anything that isn't gonna make you skinny, like only eating like certain things like that, I'm not willing to do that. So if that means that I'm not,

going to look like Megan Vaux, I'm okay with that. Because it takes a lot of fucking work to look like that. And I think it's cool that that's what she wants to do. And also, you know, it's the job that she has. But that's not effort I'm willing to put in that area of my life. I focus my effort in other areas. And that's not good or bad. That's not a judgment thing. It's just when I'm looking at someone who I'm like, oh, wow, they have this and I appear to not have the similar thing.

I look at like what that takes to bring this into the tradwife conversation that we had last time that you were like, I have thoughts on, I think this is a good time to bring it up because the tradwife controversy, if those who don't know traditional wife that these Instagram people or TikTokers, ballerina farm, Nara Smith are a couple that they're promoting traditional wife culture. So like 1950s, like conservative Republican, we can say religious.

of like a woman should be in the kitchen making things from scratch and like stay at home with the kids, you know, barefoot, pregnant kind of thing. Sort of that they're promoting that lifestyle and like how damaging that is to women. So my take is that I follow Ballerina Farm, I follow Nara Smith. I think both of them, I'm like, I love their content. But when I look at it, I do not feel compelled to do that because I know the effort that they're doing behind the scenes. One.

Just period to film all that and then edit it. Nope, not into it. Two, I am not gonna be someone who's gonna bake everything from scratch. I wish that I did wanna do that, because I think that would be delicious to have like freshly baked bread, but that is not where my interest lies. I'm very much a person who's like, is that something I want to do or is that something that I want to pay someone to do? And I want to pay someone to do that. I don't actually want to do that myself.

Tatiana Fogt (19:24.238)
That's how I look at things now is I don't really compare. I look at like, well, that's a thing. Am I willing to do all the things it takes to get there? If so, cool. Now I feel inspired and I will do that in my own way. If not, then it's like, and that's not for me. And it's really like, what am I willing to invest in? What am I willing to do? And if I'm not willing to invest or do it, I really don't. It doesn't bother me because I know, I know that I'm capable. Yes.

That's actually, I'm really liking how you're bringing this down. Just like synthesize this. Cause I really want listeners to hear this cause it's like hitting me in an interesting way. Like I'm excited about this. It's almost like when you see the moment of comparison being like, what about this is compelling to me? And what can I almost like admire about this and what is the effort that goes into this? And is there some piece of this that I could see myself extracting from this? Do I want to do it?

exactly that same thing or a piece of that thing or right and like it's really kind of getting down to the root of something right and being like huh you know I don't know if someone has like a successful business being like wait actually I don't want to start the business I'm just inspired about creating cool content that looks similar to that so I would love to go out there and make some fun videos that is my satisfaction that I saw in whatever that person was doing right and so I like this.

And I think the underneath of how I'm able to do that is two things. I inherently feel worthy because I feel inherently worthy. I feel inherently good enough. And I know that I am capable. I know that I am capable of doing what I want to do and things that are important to me. I will put effort in and I will do them. I did not always feel that way. I did not always feel capable.

I come from a lot of trauma. I felt very incapable for a very long period of time. And it was really getting sober that helped take the work that I was doing and like really deepen it because getting sober is hard. And then one in my sobriety journey, like many people do, I started running and running long distance. I was like, fuck, I can like do anything. Cause this was, I thought impossible. And like, here I am doing it. So it was doing that work that.

Tatiana Fogt (21:42.414)
now I don't compare myself negatively to someone. I am just like, oh, that's cool. Do I want to do that? Yeah. Like, why is that interesting to me? Okay. What is it going to take in order for me to get there? Am I interested in that work there? And it's like, sometimes, yeah, cool. And other times it's like, no. Like for example, something that I saw online that I was like, ooh, that does interest me, you know, and this is like being thrown around a lot right now with the fitness industry.

progressive overload when lifting, right? I love a butt, I love a booty, I like making my booty bigger and progressive overload is how you do that. And so I saw that a lot for like these like fitness girls are like progressive overload, progressive overload. So I would like see their butt and I was like, I want my butt to look like that. And I was like, what does it take to get there? Progressive overload and I can do that. And so I'm willing to put the effort in there. So I didn't see their butt and I was like, I could never butt like that.

I was just like, see the butt, like the butt, want my butt to look like that. I am willing to put the effort in to make my butt look like that. Sick. Like it's gonna look like it looks on me, but like that is how I do it. Right. So if I don't, then I just let it go. I'm like, oh, I will enjoy this person doing that. Bless them. Like Megan Fox, for example. I love Megan Fox. I think she's incredible. I think it's horrible how the media treats her, but I think she's a very cool woman. And I'm like, go on and be Megan Fox. I have no interest in being.

like you in terms of like the way that she aesthetically looks. So I'm not even gonna like waste my time feeling like bad or jealous or something. You know what I mean? I'm just gonna like appreciate that she's doing it and like, yay, I get to enjoy that. I don't need to try to do it or like make myself feel bad about it. Yeah, completely. And kind of going back to this interesting tradwife conversation because I feel like it's sparked a lot of controversy and...

I think what's kind of interesting about it is at the end of the day, it is so nuanced because it has the layers of coming for people who want to be stay at home moms, people who enjoy more traditional models. You know, the spectrum is very, very interesting. And I think that's why it's so hard to synthesize in like a comment section or

Tatiana Fogt (24:06.542)
some people it sparks a ton of rage in them, right? They're like, we've worked so hard to break this model, right? And like, now we're going to go back to homesteading and like slaving away and martyring for our families, right? But then there's a whole other pool of people who are like, well, actually this is by choice. Like I want to be doing this. Or then there are other people who are kind of in the middle who are like, I like the aesthetics or the

rituals behind cooking and caring for myself and caring for others, but I like it in a contemporary context where it's not, I'm doing it more for myself versus like slaving away because this is the expectation. It's very fascinating to me. It is. And I think to be very clear, I am a feminist. I believe in equality for men and women and all people. I think that these women, these tradwives,

What I have seen of them, I obviously can't speak to their intentions. I do not know them. But what I do not see their content trying to say, women should be forced to be in the kitchen, pregnant with kids and making their food for their husband who is ruling the world. Like, I don't see them saying that. And the criticism that I have seen of these accounts is kind of saying that.

And to me, that feels like misogyny still. It's like, there's something in there that feels inherently threatening to you. And so you're tearing down the women. And then I've heard people say, well, I'm not tearing down the person, I'm tearing down the brand, but like, it feels the same. And I also, again, I just don't see that like, what is wrong with homesteading if that's what you want to do. Like that's cool. If that's what you want to do. I think everyone should have the choice of,

And what a privilege if you can bake your sourdough bread with your eight kids because your husband is the heir to JetBlue, like, the ballerina firm. Like, what a privilege. You are very privileged and not everyone has that choice. Like there might be a mom who is a single mom working two jobs who would fucking love to make some sourdough bread from scratch for her kids every morning, like, but doesn't have that option. So I think that it is a very nuanced conversation and I don't see,

Tatiana Fogt (26:32.814)
by them doing that, that they're trying to insinuate that we should remove rights from women. If they were saying that, obviously I'm not on board, right? I'm not on board with rights being removed from anyone. And I know it's touchy right now in the culture because of what's happening with rolling back of Roe v. Swade and abortion rights being taken in the very conservative countries. Like that is very scary. But I don't think that we need to like convolute someone creating a video about them making things from scratch for their family.

to like that. That feels like a big dump for me. Like I think we can want a homestead and not be promoting removing rights from women. Yes. I think it's so interesting, right? Because it's like also such a conversation of privilege. And when you do see people like Ballerina Farme, you're like, you do carry a bit of a responsibility. You know, like some people do this not by choice and...

I sometimes look at her video. I remember I had such an, guys, like if you do not know what we're talking about, please just look up at ballerinafarm on either TikTok or Instagram. When I found this account, I think I did like a two and a half hour deep dive. Like I vortexed in my phone on this girl for a while, cause it kind of was alluring and exciting. Cause I do love this kind of idea. Like, yes, I would love the privilege and to have the runway to literally leisure around. But then there's another part of me that looks at her life like,

She had this birthing video. She birthed her eight child, first off. That's mind fucking blowing. Now for me. Yeah. And like she had this home birth and like she did like a real or TikTok on it and it was like so aesthetically pleasing, but at the same time, like all her kids are running around her. They're like all under the age of like seven or something. And like she's literally birthing and her kids are like asking for things from her and she's being so sweet and tender. And I'm at the...

moment in my head where I was like, I can first off not even imagine A, giving birth, B, giving birth to my eighth child and having seven other monsters running around me trying to ask for something while I'm - and of course she's not on any pain meds because like homeopath. Right. But we don't know that for absolute sure. We don't know that. She could be. Some of the controversy around that too was that two weeks after that birth, she went and participated in a -

Tatiana Fogt (28:56.814)
Mrs. America pageant like two weeks after her kid, she was like in, you know, a bikini. And women were like, what an unrealistic standard. And again, I just, I have issue with that. I do not think she is saying this is what you should do. I get that she is participating in a way that certain men, more conservative men, feel that women should do. But I also, we cannot rob women of their choice. If she wanted to perform at a pageant two weeks after birth, I'm sure it just happened to call that way.

Um, but she chose that then like, okay. Yeah. If she is like, actually I feel societal pressure to do that. And so that's why I did it. And then that's her also her journey for like her growth to do. I did not feel threatened at all by her doing that. I wasn't like, ah, now I feel like if I ever get pregnant, I will be less than or worse because if I'm not doing a patent, like, no, I don't feel that way. I don't understand.

the uproar about it. Is that what I would do? No. But do I think that it's wrong? Also, no. And I don't think that by her doing it, she's saying this is the ideal. I think she's just doing what she wants to do. And she happens to be a content creator who is like creating content from it because that's her job. Yes. She's honestly living her life and like in her joy. Yeah. And so it's like, who are we to rob her of that?

That being said, like I do see both sides. Like I really do wonder if there's a bit of a responsibility of being like, even acknowledging like, being like, oh, I'm so excited. I'm actually feeling really good after this pregnancy. Right. And I do understand that like, for many women, this is not possible, especially after giving birth, like their bodies are not okay after that. Right. So then as I'm saying that out loud, I'm like, is it really a responsibility? Like, does she need to justify it? I don't think so. Right. I think so. She does.

So it's like, there are so many layers. I really see like, I mean, look at Kate Middleton, right? Or Princess Kate now, I guess. She was out of the public eye because she had abdominal surgery. It was publicized. And then the media went fucking rabid. Where is she? Prince William had an affair. He had another kid with the mistress and that's why she's gone. She's had a mental breakdown. She's dead. Like all of these things, all of these things, all of these demanding, demanding, demanding.

Tatiana Fogt (31:21.326)
that they are entitled to know what's going on. She just came out today that she has cancer and that she is starting a chemo treatment. It's like, leave her the fuck alone. I know everyone's like, oh shit, we should have really just given you your privacy, huh? Right. It's like, so this idea that like, if this woman, Valerie in a farm wants to have a kid and then go to a pageant, I don't think she has responsibility to talk about it.

Like if that's what she wants to do, it's the same thing as like, what if she had a baby and just went to the beach in a bikini? A lot of women wouldn't do that. But what if she felt confident enough to do that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to like yuck your yum. Like I'm not going to like be here like shitting on her life. Like if I felt that way, I would probably do it too. And again, if I don't feel that way, it is not her responsibility nor did she make me feel that way. I would make myself feel that way. Right. If I'm like,

I'm going to listen to all the societal stuff and I haven't done work to really recapture my identity for myself and I'm sure my worth is internal, then I need to do that so that I feel good enough no matter what, no matter if I'm going putting on a bikini and my body looks differently than I ultimately would want it to look or whatever, right? Like, I don't think just because another woman looks awesome in a bikini.

that doesn't need to make me feel bad about myself. I can still put on a bikini and like go out there. Like that doesn't stop me from doing that. It also doesn't stop me from feeling good in my body. Even if I don't look like Megan Fox. Like that's on me to do. Like the way that I got there isn't only on me, that's societal, but like it is ultimately my responsibility to like make sure I do feel good. And so I think that this is another way that we're like breaking down women's, you know what I mean?

And we're trying to say that we're being more feminist, but I don't feel that way. I'm like, well, that doesn't feel like we're supporting women either. Wild. Tradwives, guys. Tradwives. Well, and also I think just to bring it back. So if you find yourself comparing yourself to other people a lot on social media, huge thing, very normal, a bunch of people do it, and it's making you miserable. One,

Tatiana Fogt (33:42.094)
let's look at, do you inherently feel worthy? Do you inherently feel capable? If you don't, let's work on those first. And let's also maybe stop looking at people that you're comparing yourself to for now, because you're not in a place to do it in like a healthy way. And let's work on those three things. And then from those three things, when you feel like you're getting those down, when you start to look at someone else and compare yourself, I want you to look at one, what is interesting and compelling about them that you

perhaps want to, I want you to research if you don't automatically know the effort it takes to get to where they're at. So if it's like they have a really cool video edit, cool, what does it take to get there? Like what equipment do you need? What tools do you need? What skills do you need? Are you willing to put the work in to get there? And if you're like, fuck yeah, awesome, great. Now start researching how you're gonna do that your way. What's that gonna look like for you? If you're not, then we need to practice being like,

awesome, I'm gonna enjoy this person doing that and I'm gonna go enjoy what I'm doing. And if this is robbing me of my joy, I'm not gonna look at it. Yes, hands down, yes. And I feel like that's how you distill and get out of that feedback loop. I think another really common one, I think like a common feeling that you can get around comparison for me, it's like a...

very, it's just like the first identifying feeling because I don't feel this very often, but when I feel jealousy or envy immediately, I'm like, what am I comparing? What am I coming to from a lack mentality? What am I telling myself or extracting from this individual or this thing that's pointing at what I think dictates my worthiness, right? And so that emotion for me is so potent when it comes to comparison. I'm like, Ooh.

Ooh, I feel that right away. Cause I'm like, I want that. Why don't I have that? Right. And then you go down that, that narrative. So if you're feeling that, that is always a really good indicator and some tools that have helped me even navigate any sort of envy. Honestly, a really big one is journaling because I do exactly kind of that practice that you mentioned. Cause I don't want to be in the state of envy. I actually want to be in the state of celebration. I've talked about this before on my TikTok, but.

Tatiana Fogt (36:07.982)
I remember a couple years ago, I was really envious of Alex Cooper from Call Her Daddy. Oh, Charlie. And because I was like, she is a bombshell. She's crushing it. She's getting such cool guests. I actually used to live in the same building as her in New York City when she first came up. So I would watch her bopping around, filming her content with her former co -host. And so...

I remember just feeling so close to it and also like that twinge of envy. And so now after kind of distilling down what about that I saw in her that I saw in myself, I look to her as such a role model. I look to her as someone who I just find a lot of inspiration from. And to be honest, I'm like, you are so fucking badass. And another lesson in this too for me was like, okay, I see the work that she's putting in. I also see the massive.

that she has around her. So, right, so what is it gonna take? I look at that girl and I'm like, that takes a lot. So is that where you're willing to go and go full force? Sometimes it'll be like, yes, but I don't know how to get there. And then, so there you go, boom, that's what you focus on. All right, what am I gonna do to get myself closer? What do I need to learn? What do I need to practice? You know, for that, like Alex, I think what sets her apart is,

She is so willing to put herself out there. She's so willing to say the outrageous thing. She's so willing to like share the story. She's willing to be vulnerable, right? And that is huge. That seems like not a big deal, but that is a very big deal to do on a stage. That is very hard to do. So like, if that's something that doesn't come naturally to you to do more openly, then like that's something you have to practice, you know, speaking to the camera for like reels or on TikTok and being your full self and like,

not being afraid to like do something embarrassing. Like that is what you would, like that's one of the things that you'd need to practice. Like then there's like, now I have concrete things that I can focus on versus this like story that I'm creating about myself and then not actually like, you know, doing this like kind of sitting and festering with it. Yes, 100%. And also realizing like, as you do these exercises, especially if it's comparison to people, you're like, I actually don't even want to be that person. Like I want to be me.

Tatiana Fogt (38:26.19)
Right? Like I want to be more me, but what in that person feels very me that might be unexpressed or a part that I want to like exercise more. So I think it's actually very fun when you get down to the bottom of it, cause then you're like, Oh, wow. I actually really admire like their level of confidence. Okay, cool. You know, anyways, um, we can go on and on. I hope this is helpful for you guys. Cause I think it's, it's just, it's so real. It's just really these ideas of.

comparison and self -worth and being on these timelines that are imposed by us and society and all these wild things. Should we get some cues? Yes, we were going to do some listener questions, you guys. Thank you for always writing in. It's always so fun. Yes, please keep submitting. I am going to start with this one. It's not even really a question, but we'll make it a question. You'll get it.

They say, attracting unavailable partners feels like a worthiness issue? I just added the question mark. Yeah. So when we are attracting unavailable partners, a couple of things is going on. One, we subconsciously are feeling comfortable with that because that is something we have experienced in childhood. We experienced some form of unavailability. And so that is comforting to us to...

find that again, and because our brain is like, ah, here's what we know. Great. Let's let us keep doing this because this didn't get us killed. So like, we're going to keep doing it. Right. And so subconsciously, the brain is like sick. Yes. So that's happening. And so we have to understand sort of like what that is, where that comes from so that you can be aware of that. And then the second part of that is if we're attracting unavailable people, you're also unavailable. Right. Where I really want to focus that is like you're unavailable to yourself. So.

look at the last couple interactions you had with someone, either romantically or friends, because like guaranteed you're probably calling in unavailable friends too. That was a piece that took me a long time to realize. I was like, oh, not only am I attracted to unavailable men, I love unavailable women as my friends too. That really had to like look at that. So look at those last couple interactions and what did that show you? What did you learn from that? And like, so now apply that to yourself. So it's like, they weren't.

Tatiana Fogt (40:48.974)
communicating, they blew me off, they didn't make me feel important. Okay, so you are not creating yourself to be the most important thing. So you're blowing yourself off, you're not attuning to you, you're not listening to your needs. So it's like, again, the relationship we have internally is gonna be mirrored externally. So it's like, what is that showing you about your relationship to self? And when you can start to build a deeper, more intimate, available relationship with you, you will start to see that reflected externally. And then lastly,

It's because changing patterns is hard, as we were talking about earlier. And so it requires a ton of effort and a ton of time and a ton of repetition of doing sort of this work that I'm talking about in order to create that change. And if you need help, book me for a session. I love that. And you know what it made me think of too? I recently did an episode on making friends and just kind of like a solo episode on building community.

And I referenced the circles of closeness that you always talk about, which is also known as ring theory. And what is interesting is in the circles of closeness, which Amanda talks about a lot, we have a couple of episodes, I'll link below if you want to kind of like hear more about Amanda's work in this capacity, but it's very much this idea of your circles of closeness. And the way that a lot of people see the most inner circle is that it's kind of those people that you call in the middle of the night that are like,

be your most go -to contact, like your most intimate relationships. But I feel like my little amendment to that is in circles of closeness, it doesn't include you. And so I was like, oh, I feel like in circles of closeness, the most important thing that we should be fulfilling is us. And then the rings go out from there. And - One handy. One handy P. One handy P, baby. And so, yeah, that's where I feel like it would be interesting to ask this person, right? Like,

Where are you putting yourself in your circles of closeness? Right? And like, what is your current hierarchy? Are you looking at, are you putting yourself last in the equation here and outsourcing to everybody else? So I think that's just kind of an interesting thing to think about. We'll link some episodes below for you guys to tune into about circles of closeness. Amen. Completely agree. Okay. Someone asked, when going through a rough patch, what tools do you use to help support you? Hmm.

Tatiana Fogt (43:15.438)
I would like you to go first, because you were talking about you're feeling burnt out, and I bet a lot of people can relate. How are you getting through that burnout? Yeah, so this is something that I, like, in the moment, always reach to when I'm feeling funky, when I'm feeling like I'm like, just things are sticky. It can be a rough patch. It could also be like, wow, in this past hour, I'm feeling really like not myself right now, right? Like whatever it might be.

So the first thing I always say to myself that immediately helps me no matter how much resistance I have is two things. I say, how can I either change my pace or how can I change my space? Love it. It always boils down to that. Either I'm like, oh my God, I'm moving around too fast. Gotta slow down the pace. Or I'm like, ooh, feeling a little lethargic. Gotta like pick up the pace. Maybe get some endorphins, get some movement going. So that's kind of like the pace concept. Sometimes pace doesn't apply as much as more like,

I need to change my environment right now? Do I need to get moving? Do I need to get outside? Do I need to get out of my house because I've been in here for days or do I actually need to find a place that is actually a little bit more stable and an environment that feels good? So that is kind of always something that I do. It's funny. Like I'll sometimes be like in the dark depths of some spiral and I'm like, Tati, how can you change your pace and how can you change your pace right now? And it looks awful. And I say to myself, Tati.

That's cute. So yeah, that's kind of a more like a quick fix. That being said, long term, because I have been feeling a little bit of burnout, I find it really important to just acknowledge and bring awareness to it. Like step one, just being like, yeah, I'm in a rough patch right now. Or you know what? This season of life is really busy. I don't, I feel out of control. Or I'm feeling a lot of grief in this.

time in my life, right? And so I think first, bringing awareness to it, acknowledging it for yourself, bringing compassion for yourself that it's okay to not always be in your hot girl summer, if you will. To not always be. Totally, yeah. Like having that spring in your step. And then second, I kind of come up with like a little care plan around it, right? Like for burnout, I really had to have some tough conversations with myself, even in my journal with like some close people in my life being like,

Tatiana Fogt (45:38.35)
I'm feeling this hard, you know, what are ways that I can build a support system around me? Because we can't always think we can do things alone. I usually always like result to that or that's kind of like a default. I'll figure this out myself, which goes back. And I always have to catch myself being like, yeah, by the way, you're not going to be able to figure this out alone. You shouldn't have to and create that support system around you that you need, whether that's

going to therapy or for me, the support system was just letting my friends and family know who might be like, you know, I'm more immediately reach out to like, hey, if I seem a little distant, it's because I'm recuperating. I've been needing a little bit more time. If I'm not, if I'm canceling on some certain social plans, this isn't a you thing. It's not personal. I'm excited to kind of get back into like a cadence that feels normal and regulated for me. But right now I cannot be there. I cannot meet you there.

I cannot meet myself there, so I'm taking a step back. I've been calling it my bare minimum era. I'm not booking my weekends out right. I'm just allowing myself to really recuperate and do the least amount of things possible. So anyways, that's kind of like a long -winded way of saying, I hope that's helpful, honestly. I think that's great. I think that's fantastic. I really love the like changer space and what can I change in my space? What can I change in my pace? Love that.

I think for me, the things that I do, and these are just like little activities that I do, going for walks without music or a podcast, really just like giving myself, yeah, naked walks, giving myself time to just like really like sit and process through something. And a walk is for me just like a real mental health. It's a cleanse. It really is. And it's like in nature, even better. Forest, beach, on the sand, honestly on the sand.

If I go in worse moods of my life, I've been near a beach, gone for a walk, I feel better 100%. Even if like this, there's not a solution. I'm suddenly like, but it'll be okay. Something about the negative ions in the sand just like really helped. So walks, naked walks, journaling. And also like, I think it's called like rotting now, letting myself rest. I think when we're like in a bad spot, we're kind of like, we're probably trying to like push, push, push, push, push, push, push. And we really need to like rest and slow down.

Tatiana Fogt (48:04.48)
the most at that point and we probably haven't been and that's also what's like helping us lead there and so giving myself that permission if I haven't been giving it of like you need to lay down. Yeah, and guys rest is so productive. Like I think we all just probably need more of it in our lives no matter if you're in a rut. Like it just is so necessary even in my slowing down the past couple weeks. I'm like wow the amount of clarity I've found in so many things.

I told Connor, I was like, I made the weirdest analogy. I'll just tell you guys. I was like, I feel like a chicken with my head cut off. This was when I was like in my, I feel like I'm burning out. Like train is crashing. And I was like, I just want to be a chicken with its head and its eyeballs. I'm okay being a chicken. I just need my - I'm just trying to be a chicken. I just need the head. You know what I mean? Do you ever felt like -

you don't want your head cut off and you want to keep your head attached to your body. That is how I feel. Yeah. Keep your head. I think that's a good advice. Keep your head. 2024. Yeah. 2024, we are keeping our heads. The year of attaching your head to your body. Someone asked how to know if you have found a great match or if you are settling. Okay. I really like this question. And here's what I would say. That

You have found a great match when you are not compromising your core needs. That doesn't mean compromise isn't happening, but you're not compromising your core needs. You are settling when you are compromising your core needs. And that's going to look differently depending on what you're settling with. But like, for example, you know, a compromise might be, I feel like I'm really wanting a romantic night where I'm like really connecting with my partner lots of cuddling.

but maybe my partner has had like a really rough week at work and is feeling like they need alone time to recharge. So that is a core need of his and my desire to connect would be a core need of mine. So compromising would say, I totally understand that you have, you've had a tough week and you need to like recharge cool. And they would say, I totally understand that you want like romance and like, you know, to connect deeper. Where can we meet in the middle of there? Can we spend an hour?

Tatiana Fogt (50:27.534)
in bed snuggling, maybe making out, maybe it leads to sex, maybe it doesn't, or like a massage or like, you know, something like, or like just having like deep conversation for like an hour and then would you be cool with me going and like having some alone time, right? So like we're both meeting those needs. What it would look like if I'm settling with the partner is I want to deeply connect, they blow me off, they're not responding to me, they're not calling me back, or, you know, if you live together.

They're shutting down, they're stonewalling, they're picking a fight, they're leaving the house, they're not telling you where they're going, they're just like out drinking with their friends and you have no idea where they are, things like that, right? That's gonna look like settling. So when you are able to understand, one, this is important for our work, what your core needs are, and you're able to advocate for them, you start speaking up about them, and you have a partner that's willing and able to do the same, and you guys are meeting in the middle, that is a great fucking match.

we don't have to compromise on our core needs, period, the fucking end. And if you are in a relationship where you feel like you are, that is not something you have to do. You can choose to leave that relationship and find one where you don't have to compromise those core needs. And like what I've also extracted from what Amanda is saying is that there is that difference between getting your core needs met and guys, I think it's so important to realize that even in a healthy partnership, there will be moments where you're like,

not maybe 100 % satisfied and being like, oh, could I maybe be having more whatever, whatever, whatever? And I think that's where it comes to the time of compromising, right? So what me not being a good partner is if I'm like, no, you need to give me all the time now tonight. And if you go take time for yourself and like, you're not now we're in a bad relationship. We're not a good part. I'm not being a good match. Right. So no.

Is it going to be that the like compromise is both people getting core needs met, but that doesn't always happen at the same time. Yes. Right. But like it's still being met. So a deeper example, I have a core need of like wanting my partner to be involved in my family, but this isn't true. But let's say like my partner doesn't want to go to a family event, right? For whatever reason, they have a really good reason for it. And I understand. So compromise would be like, okay, I do want to like,

Tatiana Fogt (52:52.238)
have you at this thing, but I totally understand that that feels out of a boundary for you, where you just don't feel available to do that at that time. So can I find a smaller family that would feel more approachable for you to attend? And like, you know, maybe it's not a weekend wedding, but maybe it's like, let's go to dinner with my parents or my sister or whomever. And would you be willing to do that so that we are finding that compromise? And then like,

If it's like the wedding piece, like, would you be willing to come with me, but not go to the wedding? And you can find those places where both of those needs are getting met. What we're not doing is like shutting down someone else's needs and or letting our needs be shut down, right? We're not dismissing others' needs. We're not dismissing ourselves. But that doesn't mean that it has to happen exactly my way, exactly the way that I thought it would happen in my head. That isn't being...

a good partner either. That's like, we have some personality things happening there. Yeah. And so it's that willingness. You're just not always going to be a hundred percent matched on every single thing. And so I think it's more of where you're at, but it's the willingness to meet each other where you are at, find room for compromise. If there is no willingness to be there, to find common ground, that is your exact signifier that you're settling. I have one.

real life from my real life partnership. Zach is a night owl and I am a morning person. So we don't go to bed at the same time. We tried that for a while and he wasn't really speaking up for like, I don't want to go to bed this time. Also, cause he like wanted to go to bed with me, you know? It was like, it was a beginning, it was new, it was, it was fun. And then when we really started to like talk about that, he was like, I like going to bed later. And I was like, I get that.

And so we went through some iterations of like what that looks like, but we felt we like kind of hit a sweet spot where what's important for me is not that he is physically in bed with me at the time I go to bed, because if he does that, he tosses and turns, he has to read for like a long period of time, like he's uncomfortable, he's not falling asleep. So that actually isn't that great for me, because I have a partner who's like very, you know, unrested in bed and then that's keeping me awake. But what I do like is to be connected before bed. So I like.

Tatiana Fogt (55:15.022)
special time of like pillow talk and like cuddles and kisses and jokies and you know, like reflections of the day and just like little dumb conversations like, well, would you love me if I was a worm? Like, you know, whatever. And so we make sure I always ask really silly questions like that. And he's just like, oh my God, Blair. He calls me Blair when I'm being like crazy or funny or if I'm like in fake trouble. But I, it is, I love, I mean, yes, but.

that is really important to me. So like we distilled like what our needs are and like, I love to get up early. I love mornings. And so I don't need him to be up there with me, right? And like, he doesn't need me to be up with him late at night because that's his like time for him. He feels about nights the way that I feel about mornings, like, ah, it's just like my time. It's like fresh and it's like, ooh, the world is quiet. And so that's our compromise, right? Like I want that connection before bed.

And so does he. And so we get that. And then we get to each enjoy the time that we like the most. Him is night, mine is the morning. Right? And it's like, if he wasn't even willing to meet me there of like, well, whatever your need for connection, then that wouldn't be a great match. That would be settling. Yep. And if I wasn't willing to meet him there, if I was like, well, you have to go to bed with me or else this is a deal breaker, then he would be settling. I wouldn't be a good match for him. Totally. I love this. All right, guys. Well,

That's it. That's it. Amanda, have a great birthday. Thank you. I will. I'm going to have ice cream cake and I am very excited about it. I am jealous that I'm not nearby you to celebrate because I feel like I would be eating that ice cream cake with you. I would love to share some with you because it's going to be really... Not to brag. Not to brag, but it's a good ice cream cake. All right, guys. Well, thank you so much for tuning in this week.

As always, Amanda's links are in the show notes. So she does sessions. I think I forgot at the beginning to mention that Amanda is a dating expert, extraordinary - Relationship coach. Relationship coach, LMFT in training. So go hit her up if you want to chat more, if you're curious to kind of dive deep on some of your own questions or if this kind of prompted you to maybe find your own deeper support system. So all links are there. And as always, we -

Tatiana Fogt (57:43.244)
Love you and can't wait to chat with you soon. Bye everybody. Bye.

Tatiana Fogt (57:53.07)
Thank you for listening to the Bedside podcast. I hope you love this episode as much as we did making it. If you have any feedback, questions or suggestions for future episodes or if you just want to chat, don't hesitate to reach out to us at TheBedside on Instagram and thebedside .co online. You can also find us at by the bedside on TikTok. To stay updated on our latest episodes, be sure to subscribe to our podcast on your preferred platform. And if you found this episode valuable,

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