AMANDA'S ENGAGED!!! (Plus Full TTPD Recap)

AMANDA BLAIR IS ENGAGED!!! I can't wait for everyone to hear this expansive engagement story time episode. Amanda shares how her idea of marriage has changed, throwing an authentic wedding, and how Z proposed! FYI: The first 40 minutes of our convo are all things Taylor Swift and her latest album (Tortured Poets Department) — so feel free to skip around if TSwift isn't your thing (we still love you). Though we do LOVE our take on the album if we do say so ourselves. 

Today we're chatting:

• TTPD Recap
• Embracing the messy parts of life
• Perspective on marriage
• Engagement storytime
• Aligning on expectations
• Stress-free wedding plans
• Finding "the dress"

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💘 Let's be internet friends!!

•  @thebedside 
• www.thebedside.co

Connect with Quickies cohost Amanda Blair:

• amandablair.org (she does 1:1 coaching!) 
• @xoamandablair

Be sure to rate, review, and share this episode with a friend! LOVE YOU!

Transcript

0:03

This is Bedside, a podcast series on a mission to debunk sex. I'm your host, Tatiana, and each week we uncover stories, ideas, and expert information to help guide you on your ever evolving journey of deep love, relationships, and good sex. Oh, and a little bit of manifestation sprinkled in there too. Hello everybody, welcome back to another quickie. I've got my amazing co host Amanda Blair here. Your amazing engaged co host. Damn. I'm trying not to scream loud so you guys listening are like, turning down the volume. Yeah, like honestly, where do we begin? Guys, I'm overwhelmed. Amanda's engaged. Tortured poets department. I feel like we have to start with that. Yeah, we need to start with that. I have so much to say. Yes. I'm wearing the merch, you can't see that because this is audio, but I'm wearing my Tortured Poet Department hat, so I'm in uniform. But you went to Paris. I went to Paris. Oh. Love Paris. Oh my God. Paris melts my heart in a way that. I know. Like I don't, I just don't have words for it. It was funny because it took me like a day or two to kind of like properly unwind and Connor was so sweet. Like he really kept me in check. He was like, what are you doing? Get off of your email. Like, like what are you doing? And it's just. We're in Paris. Yeah. Like, and it wasn't like, oh, I was like deep in it, but it's just like, I would glance at it. And he's just like, babe, like, he's so great. Cause he just is so good at like. Unplugging and kind of like regrounding me. And once I kind of like had that like day and a half to like recalibrate and be like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm here. It was like, I just like melted into the city and. Oh, it's so magical. It's so magical, you guys, and I think it, it was everything I needed. I needed to not have an agenda. I needed to. Mm-Hmm., like, we walked 20 to 30,000 steps a day and it's like, it's wild. You don't even try. It's just because you're like, Ooh, like, let's go. I swear the hack is like, if you have a museum in there, like you're, you're good . You know what I mean? Yeah. To actually 100% also because. Every street is romantic and adorable and has these little things along the way that you're just like, Oh, like, okay, sure. That when I go, I never plan. I will be like, I want to go to this one bakery and that's like my only plan in the morning. Or like, I want to stop and like journal and the rest, I'm just like wandering around and I, or like, yeah, I'll be like, okay, I want to go to the museum at some point. And the rest you just wander and it's. It's the best. It's the best. And if you and Zach go anytime soon, I have this amazing, like, Airbnb I've befriended, so I just, like, WhatsApp him now. And we stay below I feel like you're gonna love this because we stay below a gluten free patisserie. Oh, lovely. I mean, I eat gluten there because I can. Oh, okay. Yeah, so the gluten in Europe is amazing. completely different. So I think it's funny that they even do gluten free. So it does not aggravate my stomach in any way, shape or form. Like I have no bloating, no pain, no digestive, like interruption, nothing. So I am very much just like, I will have a million penne au chocolat behind there. I'm going to have croissants. I'm having a baguette for lunch and dinner. Actually, when I was there over the summer, Most often, and you know, I was like falling in love with Zach Wiles over there. So he'd be like, what are you having for dinner? Are you having another baguette with tomato and tuna? And I was like, yep. That was like my dinner. It's because you're like, fresh baguette, fresh tomato. And then I would get canned tuna. And that was it. And honestly, nothing better. Like the tomatoes, the tomatoes. Oh, the tomatoes. Like you, you just don't, we don't have tomatoes like that. Even heirloom. The produce there is so good. So, but yeah, I'm like bread heavy when I'm there. Cause I'm like, I can just enjoy it. So good. Honestly, I think Connor is like a little bit more of a sensitive boy. So if he has celiac, that's different. Yeah. Celiac is different. So I just have an intolerance, so that's fine. But yeah, celiac I've heard you can't like really fuck around with any wheat. He like tried and then he was like, my tummy. And I was like, okay, let's stick gluten free for you. But I mean, I go galore. I'm like, okay, we'll stop at your patisserie, whatever, but I'm still getting my like fresh baguettes. Anyways. That's good for him then. Yeah. Because yeah, if you do have celiac or like a even more severe intolerance, which it has to be celiac. I can't imagine. That's not being cynic. Then, yeah, I, I've heard that you can't fuck around, but. Yeah. If you just have an intolerance, man. I know. You can. And it is glorious. Oh, God. I remember the first time I had a croissant, I was like, I have, I'm, kill me now. This is good. Take me out. I can die. Oh, my God. That's hysterical. But yeah, other than that. It was so great. I kind of, like, went a little crazy shopping, and that's not to say I actually went that crazy, it's just I find in my day to day life, I stick to, like, my budget, I feel really responsible, like, shopping, but something about the euro, something about price, being in Paris, but also it's, like, You just realize how price gouged you are here in the States compared to like when you go. So anyways, I was shopping around and I'm like, yeah, I can buy this dress for 50 euro. This would be three times the price somewhere else. So I had so much fun. I got like a whole new set of like, I dragged Connor with me. I was like, I'm buying myself all new, like lingerie, underwear, bras. Like I was just like, let's go. Yeah. You're like, everything is getting restarted. Well, and also I feel like you're surrounded by such beauty. Not only like the chic ass people in Paris, like every time I'm there, I'm just like snapping photos of everyone's outfits. Cause they're so good. Um, and they're like, so. They're not trying, you know, it is that like je ne sais quoi, like they're genuinely, it, they look so put together always, even if they're in something that's more casual, it's like a jean and a sweater has never looked so chic, but also there's just so much beauty in the city itself. Like the architecture is so gorgeous, like the parks are gorgeous, like the buildings, the doors. I love all the doors in Paris. Like the first time I went, I think I, a thousand photos of the doors because they're just so pretty and like so ornate and like big and just the history. Oh, it's so great. I am so happy we were able to go, but I was, you know what? I have a little thorn about that tortured poets department decided to come out the day day after my 12 hour flight. I was like, really? Yeah, I mean, I heard that complaint from people that live on the East Coast because they're like, okay, but it's actually because you know, the second drop came at 2am for them. And I was like, yeah, that does suck. I mean, if I would have been in New York, I would have listened to it the next morning. Like, there's just no way that like I could have done that. That does feel like a benefit for being on the West Coast. It comes out on a Thursday for us, which is dope. But yeah, let's get into it. Let's get into it. So, this is a Taylor podcast. But, not really. So, Tortured Poets Department, the newest release. I'm gonna go off the bat right now and say, I think this is my favorite album today. Abso fucking lutely. Also, It's, it's insane. It's so fucking good. It's because I think and like, I, I feel like I heard a couple like TikToks about this. You'll hear us referencing TikTok throughout this. Warning because like, that's the best part is like hearing everybody's takes. This was a tell all. She just was like, you know what? I'm at the top. And I am so sick of holding my tongue and like, here, why don't, like, read my diary. Well, you know what I liked about this album? And so there's this podcast called Every Album, and they go through and, like, analyze all of Taylor's albums. And they've added other people in now, too. Like, they did Harry, they did Casey, they did Maggie Rogers. So, you know, I kind of, like, Wait, when an album drops, I like also really and excited to listen to that to see what they are going to say, although I haven't really agreed with their criticisms on the last two albums, but this one they were bringing up. This wasn't their criticism, but criticism they had heard that like there are people out there that are like she's a billionaire and yet we're getting an album complaining about a breakup. And I was like, Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think being a billionaire means that you're no longer? Yeah. Like it's like apples and oranges, right? Like, what does that have to do with anything? That's so silly. And also that people are saying like, Oh, you know, her fans fought so long to have her be known as someone other than who sings about breakups. And I was like, well, first of all, Why? Because that's, like, the most sexist thing I've ever heard. What is wrong with singing about a breakup or love? Men do it all the time. I don't hear that criticism coming towards men. And also, this album, thank God, like, I can no longer relate to this album because I'm in a fantastic relationship. But I have lived every single one of these songs. What I felt was so beautiful is this album is like a real girl's girl. It is telling you that it's okay to be messy. It's okay to be messy in love. It's okay to be messy in relationships. It's okay to get your heart shattered. It's okay to In a situationship, the fuck boy, like who hasn't been there, you know, and that doesn't make you less than because look, it's happening to this woman who we would look to and be like, Oh, it can never happen to her. Like she's on top. She has it all. She can have whoever she wants, but like, I feel like it's such a permission slip of like, it's okay to be messy. And you can think that you're not going to be messy, and then all of a sudden you have all this mess again, and like, that's okay. You're allowed to learn. You're like, here to grow. And that's what it really felt like to me. Yes, I love that interpretation of it. And also, Even though maybe you're listening to it in the context of being like, well, I don't directly relate to this, right? Like here and now there's always something so awesome about her songs and her lyrics where you're just like, Oh, but like that part of me when I was the say, it's like, ah, and like, you get to like, it just feels like it comes back and then you get to like, heal it. And in this like really great way, like there's so much music in this album where I'm just like, Yeah, like, let's fuckin unearth that shit from however long ago, and like Ooh! And I was telling Zach, I was like, I wish this album would have come out in my 20s or my early 30s. Because I would have been like, this is exactly what I'm going through. I also feel like this album answered for me. Who, like, some of her songs had been about that we didn't recognize. Like, I didn't realize that Cardigan was about Mattie Healy. I didn't realize that The One was about Mattie Healy. Like, I didn't know they had been in a decade long, like, will we won't we situation. And, you know, I think everyone anticipating that this was going to be a breakup album about Joe, which I think what was said at midnight said, And is even more true as like, Midnight's was a, the Jo breakup album. Like that was about, like all like the heartbreak around that. And we did get a couple songs about Jo. I was genuinely taken aback about how much of it was about Maddie Healy. Me too. And I'm sure, you know, there's like, we will never know for sure. And I'm sure there's like a blend of everybody in there. But listening the first, I was like, Oh my God, Maddie Healy, like fucked her up. Yeah. And I get it. Because those, like, short term, unrequited, avoidant fuckboys hurt you so much more because the potential is never realized. And when you're in a long term relationship, you have gone through all of the what ifs with that person, right? Like, you've been able to live it out to be like, Yeah, this is just not gonna work. And like, while that's sad and devastating in its own way, the like, acute pain of the unrealized potential is worse because that's like, so directly tied to like, childhood shit. And I was like, I can relate to this. I understand what that's like to be like, you know, this longer term thing. I'm, I'm good, but this person that I dated for two weeks, I like, can't stop crying over. Or like, this person that treated me like shit, but like, gave me just enough breadcrumbs to like, drag me along. Here I am still, like, wanting to be with him six years later. You know, like, I was just like, uh, uh. I have been here. I understand you. Like, I get this. Yeah. Yeah. The songs are so good. And I think too, like, to tee off of that, it, what it seems, and I've heard people speak on this too, is that her relationship with Joe fizzled out in a way that just, it was like, kind of that natural progression of like, and, and there maybe wasn't drama. As much as the crazy high lows of what her situation ship with Maddie was, which is wild. And I don't know, like there's also what a love bomber he is telling her, like putting the ring on my finger, where wedding rings go, like talking cradles, talking man. I was like, what a love. But you know what? I also, okay. So this is why Taylor Swift is so fun, because you have the easter eggs, you have the drama, and there's tea. You know, it's not like you just like listen to a song, like, you know, I love Kacey Musgraves, whatever, like, love her music, but it's like not as much, like, the reason half the fun of these albums is the drama. Oh my god. It's the, well, it's the lore. It's the lore, yeah. Like, Taylor Swift has created her own universe. And we as the fans get to live in there and when she releases something new, there's like, she put a new house down and we get to go in and like, go through it and be like, Oh, cool. Like this is now we're like getting more about what this is about. And that's so fun. Like, I love that Thursday at 9 p. m. I knew what every other Swiftie was doing. Right? Like we were all doing the same thing. And then. I was like listening to the album, cleaning our house, because I was like, well, what else to do? And then I was like opening Instagram and TikTok like see what everyone was saying, because I was like, this is the best album already. Like I am so in, I have like really zero criticism about it. I'm not a music critic, so I'm sure you could talk about like, It's sonically, but I think it's perfect. And then I saw that there was a countdown and I was like, Oh, well, Zach, I have to say, I have to see what this is. And then, you know, I'm like staying up to like, listen to that whole other section. And it was so fun to know that I'm doing that with this like whole other group. Yes. Yes. Like, it was so fun, just, it's fun, we've said this so many times, but it is so fun to be her fan. Because she generates this world that you get to live in, and like, you get to go back and forth and like, be like, this, this, this, like, you know, for me, being able to connect back to songs. On evermore, which was probably my favorite album before this one is so fun, you know, or to go back and be like, okay, well, all the songs on 1989, are those just about Harry or those also about Maddie? Cause like that's 1989 is that era is when they started. And so it's like, and it's just like, the lore is so good. Although I will say. Talking to the drama and the team and someone's review of the album and they were like this album is so beautiful It's such that you know It's like poetic and it's like a poetic take on grief and heartbreak and in the middle of all that She just has to say and fuck you Kim Kardashian Yes, I was so big you would say that. It's so good. It's like and also fuck yes Uh, I just like, she is so petty sometimes, and it's No, it's amazing. Also, I, I was telling Connor about this, cause like, he has, I don't know if he'll ever, like, listen to everything fully, but I was telling him about Daddy, I Love Him, and I was like Yeah, I'm so glad you brought up, I love that song. I was like, Connor, she broke the fourth wall, she literally just had so much so much fun with us, like being like, I'm having his baby. No, I'm not. But you should see your faces. And I'm just like everyone, when they listen to that lyric the first time, like their jaws were dropped. So it's just like, she's like, she's poking fun. Like, she's like, just like, she trolled us on that one, which was hysterical. Well, and I actually people recorded like, you know, cause they're like all the like Swifty talkers who like, you know, their whole TikTok is about Taylor Swift. They were on lives like listening to the album and so their reaction was recorded for that like the first time we heard that line and you saw the what what and then you should see their face and they like immediately burst out laughing and it's like yeah she got everybody but I love that song because she is speaking to the fans that were like Why are you with Maddie Healey? Break up with Maddie Healey. La da da da da. And I love that she's like, Fuck you. I will fucking do what I want to do. I had Zach come out and listen to the lines where she's like, you know, I'd rather burn my whole life down than listen to this, like, bitching and moaning or whatever. And like, it's my name to, you know, Disgrace if I want to. And I was like, she's right here. She's talking about the fan that and he was like, I don't know. He's like, so came to like, cool. He's like, great. It was like, thank you for pretending like you care about my Taylor Swift. You're like, and back to cleaning. And okay. Oh my god. That's hysterical. Well, let's go through the song. Yeah. If you don't mind. Okay, because I just feel like they need to be talked about. So, I feel like, okay, but daddy, I love him. So good. But also, no, I can, I can fix him. No, really, I can't. I was like, girl, you are speaking to such a specific experience. Like, girl, who hasn't felt that? Of like, like, I'm dating the guy for the potential and I am just seeing a red flag and deal breaker after red flag and deal breaker. And I'm like, Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. No. Only I can do this and I'm going to and my love is going to fix him. And it's like, no. And I love how at the end of the song, she's like, Ooh, I can't. Yeah. And like that realization It's just like, how many fucking people have gone through that? Ugh. It's crazy. So relatable. It's so relatable and I would say my favorite, oh my god, there are so many like that I'm obsessed with, but oh my god, why am I blanking on it? Wait, let me get my phone. While you're doing that, Florida is a weird song. I like it, but it's weird. It is really weird, but did you hear about why, why she wrote it? Yes, Dateline, and like, that's where people go. But I was like, this is a strange song. I know, but I love It like fits the theme. It fits the theme. I have a really particularly like, Top ten memory of my life that incorporates Florence because this was in my like wild and out phase and I went to a festival and she was headlining and I saw her under the full moon. The best. And I also was, um, I don't endorse drugs these days, but I might've been on a little bit of ecstasy. This is, uh. Back in the day. This is back in the day, you guys. Pre MDMA. Yeah, this was, yeah. But anyways. So, I was gonna say my fave song is Who's Afraid of Little Old Me. I like lose it for that song. First of all, I love a female rage song. Specifically, I love a Taylor female. Yes. Like, Oh, just the way she screams that. And then I know what, like, I don't know, like something resonated in my entire body when she just drops that base. It's like, don't don't don't. And like, like it just goes deep and I'm like, Oh, like it just is like, it's so good. I also love like the witch imagery in there. Like I levitate down your street. I love, like you wouldn't last a fucking hour in the asylum that they raised me, but yeah. Dang it. It's just so feminine rage. It's so, yeah. It's just like, fuck . And then especially, I was like, and this is why she has to write songs like this because the New York fucking times put out a article Mm-Hmm. about how Taylor is producing too much and how. We're going to get Taylor Swift fatigue. And, and I was like, what in the God? No, we're not doing this again. No, no, no. We are not going to pull her down because she's on top. And as a woman, she is dating God forbid to continue to be on top. And she's not just like powering away in the shadows and being like, okay, I guess you've had too much of me and I'll just be small now. And it's like, fucking no. Like I was happy to see that in, I was, I clicked the comments of that article and. I was worried that I was just going to see a bunch of trolls, but instead I saw a bunch of people being like, what are you doing? What is the point of this? You're being like, this is sexist. Would you say this to a man? Like, we're not going to, I'm not even a fan Taylor Swift, but you're clearly just trying to like, take her down. Like what is going on with you? And I was like, yeah. But I'm like, this song is exactly why she, or that article is exactly why she had to write this. Why she needs to continue to write songs like that. So fucking good. It's insane. It is. It's so good. It's just, yeah, it really is crazy, this like concept of fatigue. Sure, if the public fatigues a little bit, no fucking problem. But like, What? Like, that is just so crazy to, like, Well, and it's not her producing incredible music that we're fatiguing from. What I am being fatigued from is, like, constant think pieces on if Taylor Swift is too much. It's like, yeah, that is, I could do with less of that. Not. Taylor putting out music, or like, putting out a music video, or doing something for her fans. Listen, I, like, and let this be a message to anybody fucking listening, whether you're an artist or not, like, put your shit out there, and who cares how much you, you want to put it out there. Like, I, as a fan, I'm so, So excited of anyone, even not, like, outside of Taylor. Like, I love when someone puts an artistic piece out and I'm just like, let me consume this in some way and like, be inspired and see myself in this and see my friends in this and see a greater message. Like, what? Like, why are you just gonna take someone's, like, work down? I know. Like, I want more art. Yeah. I don't want less. Yeah. I want more art. I want less. Let me just take down and be a bully. I want less of that for sure I want less let's attack a woman But I don't want less art and like certainly not from like my favorite artist exactly Like I just love that. We keep getting More and more from her and like, sometimes I mean, look, the media frenzy will never know what it's like to be like that. I mean, I've, I feel like I've witnessed even some of my favorite artists. I'll be like, where are you? Like, I haven't seen your art and you can almost understand how maybe. You know, the media has influenced them to be quiet in some way and and what I like is she's just like, no, I'm just gonna keep creating and like, it's just so fun to be in it. We keep saying that. It's so fun to be. Well, yeah. And I mean, you know, she did that. And that's how we got rep, right? Like we went through all that stuff. And I'm glad that she's not like letting that continue. And she like learned from that and grew stronger from that because We suffer like the people who love her art suffer from that and I'm glad that she is not letting that take her down anymore. But speaking of, I can do it with a broken heart. That was wild. First of all, such a bop. Such a bop. Second of all, again, breaking down the fourth wall of like. The crowd. Yeah, you think I'm having the time of my life on this heiress tour and I am, but I'm also miserable because my heart has been ripped to shreds. Twice. Yeah. Oh, it's so, I love that. Like you have to fake it till you make, and I did lights, camera bitch smile. Bitch smile.. I love that she said that. I was like, I'll literally like say it like as I'm going around around my house, I'm like, lights, camera bitch. Smile.. Or like, actually one of my favorite like, he said he loved me all his life, but his life was quite short. He said he loved me for all time, but that was quite short. I'm just like, that is so funny. She's like, yeah, but actually that wasn't a very long time at all. And again, bringing bringing her fans in when she's like, the crowd was screaming more like it's just it's so. Yes. It's so interesting. And the beginning of that song, she's like, I know what you're thinking. I'm having the time of my life. You know, the lights are reflecting off of me. Like, and this was what was actually going on internally because I remember in the beginning ish of the Heiress tour, they were like, Oh, she's crying during Lover or like, Oh, she like looks really upset or she looks angry. And I was kind of like, Leave a girl alone. Like, she can just be going through emotions that have nothing to do with, like, her personal life. And I was like, oh, I guess people were pretty, pretty on board there. I mean, yes. Watch who's going to. Yes, and, right, like, you, like, you having that thought is not outlandish. I think it's just interesting to be like, to see it now and then have her validation of it. Is just like, okay, then you can look at it with a different lens, but otherwise I wouldn't, wouldn't have noticed it either. Yeah. Okay. We have to, the smallest manhood. Oh boy. When she gets to like the bridge where it's like, did you want me dead? Like, or did you have a gun under our bed? I was like, man, again, like who hasn't been here? I can think of. So many people. So many people. So many people. Off the top of my head. Me too. Who I could like, This song is like what I needed back then when I was like going through that. I really wanted this song through some of my first breakups. Like, oh my god. It's just, I was like this song hits so hard. I saw someone. It's so good. Oh my god, this is tea. I saw someone break no contact. They like hadn't texted their ex. Just send it. They hadn't texted their ex yet. Since October and all they sent was the Spotify link to the smallest man who ever lived. And then all he responded back was, really? And then all the comments were like, all the comments were like, thank you so much for like the satisfaction. Like they were like, I would never do this. And like, because you did this now, I don't need to like, like you did this for the collective. Yeah. You like definitely did it for like. The tick tock and like, I appreciate that. That's great. I know when I was listening to that song, I was like, Oh, I'm thinking of like one particular fucking guy who was just such a fuck boy. And this just sums up so perfectly what that experience was like. And I hope that some other girl, cause Lord knows, I'm sure he did the same thing to many are showing him that song. And I, I hope that one day. That person can have some realization, be like, Ooh, I have done that. I doubt it. But one can hope. One can hope. Alright, so high school. Alchemy. Alchemy. That, when he jokes that it's heroin, but this time with an E, I was like, dead. That is an insane line. Good God, she is such a lyricist. It's so good, like, that one. I love That's So High School, but I feel like, too, the alchemy just is, like, such, like, I just want to, like, dance to it. And it's really nice to see, like, Travis in this album, too. We're just getting a glimmer, you guys. I'm like, I'm waiting for the next album for this. Someone said, okay, Trav, you got your song, like, You're on the team now, like, go celebrate or something. I was like, that's cute. So high school is, I love, I love the like, you know how to ball, I know Aristotle, and like, touch me while you're French. Life Grand Theft Auto. And I was like, okay. Scout's honor. Yeah, I was wondering about that. Because like, Guilty as Sin is like a big masturbation song. Yeah. Oh, hi Dolores. And my cat's girlfriend is in the house. It's this, like, neighborhood cat, and she just, like, comes in randomly. She hasn't been coming in as much because we don't have as much food out, but she just popped in. So I was wondering, I was like, scouts honor. What is that? Like, that has to be a reference to something. And I think that it could be a reference to some stuff happening. Some sexy time. Some touching. Some touching. Some sexy time, touching stuff. There needs to be a better name for what we're talking about. I hate the name that you would use for it. Me, like, just comment two. It's, it needs to, it needs a new name. It needs to be rebranded. It feel . Yeah. It feels just so like, oh yeah. Like you're just like, that's so lovely. Yeah. And then the name is just so like, yeah. It's so not cute. It need, it really needs a rebrand. Anyone wants to come through and get that good old rebrand in 2024, I'd greatly appreciate it. Like, what are the kids calling it? Like, I'm sure they'll come up with something cooler. They have to. Like, it is just so not cute. No. I don't even like saying it, it's just like, Yeah. For such a lovely activity. Lovely act. Lovely. Love it. Love it. Don't like the name of it though. Anyway, I love, I do love that song. I think that's a great song. So what, how, so what did you think of like the second part of the album? So if I'm gonna be honest, I, and this is crazy because it's been almost like a full week, but there are some songs that I still haven't like been able to dedicate a ton of time to like really consuming. So I haven't really delineated like a difference between part one and two, but I am here for your take on it because yes, yes, go for it. Because I mean, it was. Like 31 songs, like I'm going to melt like, Oh, I know. Oh my God. Well, and you were, they was like coming right on, you know, the heels of you being jealous. And to be fair to myself, I just drove for six hours. Cause I went to my mom's yesterday. So I like drove three hours down and then I drove just three hours back today. So I had a lot of time for, to listen to the album. I will say the first part, the tortured poets, just like first drop my favorite, that is my favorite album. The second part. I like. I don't like as much. That's, yeah, that's how I feel, Amanda. But I, like, listen to it. Cause for me, the first time around, there was like a couple skips. Amy. I think it's hilarious. But I was like, I hate it here. I still don't like it. I just don't like that song. I think we could take that out. The, I look in people's windows. I listened to that today and I was like, Okay, this is a weird little song. But like, I like it now. But those three, I was kind of like, Yeah, I could have done without. You know, I didn't really need them. Again, I look in people's windows now has grown on me enough that like, I'm happy to have it, but the other songs I do really like, like, I love Black Dog, How Did It End is like, we haven't even talked about So Long London and Love of My Life, which we need to talk about. Though I like The Albatross, I think that's really good. I think the manuscript is interesting because it really feels like she's referencing like Jake Gyllenhaal or Something which is like, why? You know, like, that, I just is, I'm perplexed by that. But I do think that part of the album is strong, but like, I am glad that wasn't like the main I agree with you, because like It's not as strong. It's not as strong. Like, when I listened to the first album, I was like, literally lying in bed. You know this, and anyone who was like, watching my stories, I was like, I don't have time for this. And then so I'm with you, like, you're like, I have to go to bed. My eyes are closing. I've listened to all of them, but like, there were some I've skipped around in that second album. I have to tell you, I feel like if we're going off the idea that this is kind of all her unspoken shit, like unfiltered, I kind of feel like she just. open to the vault. Like she just was like, by the way, if there's anything like I've been needing to say, like I'm, I'm saying it. And like, I think that's kind of like some of the vibe I get from the second album. Like if Jake Gyllenhaal's in there, like he very well, maybe she's just like, let me just sprinkle that one in there too. Yeah, she's like, fine, because now Peter also could feel like Harry a little bit. Yes, yes, you know, totally. I was like, ooh, that has some like Harry vibes in it, which I'm sure I've heard someone say was like an amalgamation of like Harry, Maddie, you know, someone else. And I was like, that makes sense. But like that definitely speaks to Harry too. Yeah. Yeah. And I think In a way, I'm kind of just like, I don't know because, listen, she always comes back and like, will reference something the girl never forgets. But like, a part of me is like, in a way, I feel like this album is her being like, I don't know, I don't know if it's like her being like, I have a clean slate for myself. Like, I'm just saying it all, releasing it all, like, and in a way, I'm like, it's cause she's Well, do you have the vinyl? No. So this is key part to what you just said. It is. Because on the vinyl and on the CD, she has a like, letter from the chairman of the Tortured Poets or whatever. And she says in there, this work is from, you know, you saw me all be locked away for six years. There's Behind closed doors wasn't out really because of Joe and because of that, there was a big pendulum swing in the other direction. And like, this was all insanity. So like now you're hearing about the insanity, but now that I've like let it out, I'm done. Like that is behind me. I have like cleared that out. This is what this is for. This was like exercising all the demons. The demons are gone. Goodbye! See you! I'm like, on to better things. So, it's very much that. It's very much like, I'm cleaning out the closet. And now that that's gone, all my skeletons are out. I'm like, we're good. Yeah. That's really how it feels. And that's why there's something in this album for everyone. I'm just like like it's all like that's like going back to you saying like it's messy like I'm like permission to kind of I know like we're like today I think it or yesterday it was like retrograde ended but I feel like this specific astrological time has been like a lot about like clearing just to kind of like link this all to present day and like I keep saying I'm like I feel like this is like the energy right now has been kind of just like take the skeletons out like just shine shine a light on it like give it some air Well, and like own it. Yeah, own it and let it go. Yeah, own it and let it go. And I think that's what's also beautiful about this. It's like, yes, it's super messy. You know, like I can fix him. No, really. I can like that is messy, but she's owning it, you know, or like the prophecy is like, oh, so sad when she's like, I'm howling at the sky, you know, change it. Like there's so vulnerable, but she's really Owning it. She's like owning these, you know, choices that she made that maybe weren't the best, but like that looked really messy to us and I'm sure felt really messy to her, but like she's owning it. And there's such power in that. That's so empowering to be like, yeah, that happened. And yeah, I did that, but like, look what I learned and look what I gained. So like, good for me. And I think that's so beautiful. And that we can all take that of like, we don't need to be ashamed of our past. Like, you know, I, I have been. My past and for a lot longer period of time and I am so proud of that because that is what brought me here. That's what brought this relationship that I'm in that I'm so, I'm so proud of and I cherish so much. And I think I hear a lot of people feeling like shame about past staff or like, you know, who they were in the past. And it's like, no, like we have to own that. And I feel like she really does that. Yeah. And like, who are we to be like, Oh, like it should be this. Perfect thing. Like what? That's not the human experience. Like, why are we putting that pressure on her and nor just because she has money and she's famous like that she should be exempt from like the human condition. Yeah. Yeah. I'm laughing. No, I think even worse because she does have All of that, like, Bikki said it first, more money, more problems. You know, that, that would make it worse. Oh my God. I mean, the pool, the dating pool shrinks. Yeah. So much. Yeah, everyone knows your business, like that sucks. And you don't know who to trust because people are like using you to like, Get their own name out there or they're resenting you because you're a woman and you have more fame and money and power than like any man can hope to have. And, you know, it's like, that would be hard. That would be hard to be. I like really want to get into your engagement. Transition skirt. I just want to say one more thing. I think So Long London is the best track sends all too well. It literally is. So devastating. It's like, it's so devastating. You're just like, well, like I'm pissed that you let me give you all that for free. Also love of my life is also fucking devastating. It's like those songwriters like truly just her lyricism, like so long London for so long. Like, like it's just like the way that she plays with her, her words. You're just like, this is mastery. You're just like, An artist of our time, like just, um, the, the song that's always like has been in my head recently in conjunction with this album, though it's not on this album is mastermind. It just like has been playing in my head as I like, think of her lyrics, like, yes, she is a mastermind. Yeah. Like, She's just such an amazing lyricist and storyteller and poet. Like, it's so good. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Really quick question. How do you feel about the album name? I like it. I like the TTPD. I like it. I mean, it's a long title. It's long. Which I like. It's a mouthful. It's a long title. But I like it. And I, I like, The vibe, like it's very, you know, moody Victorian, you know, especially with the music video, rainy vibes. Like, I, I like it. I'm into that. No, I, I like it too. I have been appreciating everybody. Like there is a particular type of fan that shout out if you're listening and you're this type of fan of Taylor Swift that so evidently was like an English major in college, or at least took like AP lit and is like, Just so good at dissecting, really doing the work for someone like me who cannot get to this level of like unpacking the lyricism. And like, I just think it's, I haven't even gone as deep into kind of like really the poets she does reference and kind of like some of those historical references. So I've been loving list, like hearing people's takes on that and being like, Oh my God, I would have never gotten to this conclusion. You clearly studied poetry. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I know. There's so many references. And just like, everything is like, so, like, and the references that she uses is so, like. Fascinating and smart. Yeah. Cool. Anyways, give me like the summer to listen to this album because I feel like it needs so much time to simmer, you know? I'm like, I know. I just need to really marinate. I know. It's like masterpiece, a masterpiece, a real 10 out of 10. So I think it was, was I back already when you texted me about the engagement? Or was I? Well, we got engaged April 3rd. You got engaged. So I texted you April 4th. Yes. The next. Yes. Are you sure? Yes. Yeah, it was such, it's been just like such a romantic and like sweet time. And so I think, you know, we can talk about the engagement and stuff, but I also want to bring up that I didn't intend. That we were actually gonna get married. I was like pretty adamant. I know we're just gonna I knew that I wanted to get engaged because like, first of all, I love romance. So the most romantic moment of my life. I'm in second. I love jewelry. And like, this is the most beautiful piece of jewelry I could ever hope for like, I am so obsessed with this ring. It's so beautiful. He crushed it. Like I'm like, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever owned. I will ever hope to own. Like, I'm just so into it. So I knew that I wanted to be engaged, but I was really like, we'll get engaged and like, that's kind of it. Like, you know, that is a declaration of like, you know, we're committing and, but like, we don't need to like sign a contract with the state. And I've like really unpacked this. lately because genuinely like right before we got engaged probably like two weeks before we were having a conversation and in that conversation internally I was like oh wait I think I actually do want to marry him and I was like shit I've been so adamant that we don't need that I know you've said it how am I gonna that's why I've been eager to talk to you we literally to anyone listening like I haven't spoken to Amanda because I was like we need to debrief this on the podcast they need it fresh from the source but I was like I'm very eager to hear what you have to say your stance on the marriage thing, because you've always said, I'm down to be engaged, don't need to do the marriage thing. But don't need to do the marriage. So like, my mind had already changed. And then, and I didn't say anything because just, it was like, that's going to have to be a conversation. And right now is not the time. So when he proposed after he proposed, which was very sweet and incredibly romantic. So he proposed at my favorite vortex in Sedona. And that particular vortex, I had really called him in there. Like, I had, like, sat and, like, talked to the universe about, like, what kind of partner I wanted and what I wanted our life to be like and how I wanted us to, like, be here together. And so it was, like, very, like, full fucking circle moment. Not only to be there with him, but then for him to propose me there. Like, so, I was just so touched that, like, he showed that spot and, like, he knew how much that meant to me. And, like, now that that is, like, Where we get to go back of like, this is where we got engaged and like, so it's just, it was incredibly romantic and beautiful. And like, the sky was like, lavender was after sunset. It was. Couldn't have been, like, everything that I ever wanted. I'm literally emotional about it. I'm like, magic is real. Yeah, no, 100%. Like, it's just so crazy that, like, it's just such a testament, you guys, that, like, you can, like, call this fucking shit in and, like, I just love that you were like, this is where it happened. The first time I was there, I think I was 31, and then the second time I was 36, and like, my 31 year old self, who was, went to Sedona for the first time, and sat at that vortex, and talked about her partner to the universe, didn't quite believe that she would get it, right? Like, that me was like, I really hope this is out here, but I just don't know, and like, I want this so bad, but like, I just don't know. And 36 year old self knew. I was like, this is coming, I absolutely. Without a doubt. I haven't literally no doubt to my mind and I can't wait till like we're here back together. Like I had really had a journey within those five years alone, but still like both selves would just be like 36 or something like I fucking knew it. And like, Oh yeah. But my 31 year old self would be like, Oh my God, I cannot believe this was out there for me. Like, wow. So it is such a testament to like, the love that you want exists and is out there, but like you have to believe in it for yourself. After he proposed, which was so romantic and amazing, he told me, and I do actually want to marry you. And I was like, Oh my God, I do too. And so it was like, then I was like bawling again because when he proposed, I was crying then. So I was like, okay. And then we were like, okay, we're like actually gonna get married. And so I like really unpacked it and like what it was about for me. Not when you get married, originally, was one. I mean, I come from a broken home. My parents have each been married three times. Like, I've just seen marriage fail, not work. I've seen it, like, bring out the worst in people, rather. I've seen it, you know, in friends, too. So I was disillusioned with. I never had this like illusion of marriage that it was going to be, it's like some sort of cure all or, or that it's like a place of safety. Like for me, safety is always an internal thing. So it's not in this external experience, but I've heard a lot of women be like, well, cause marriage means like safety, like guaranteed. And I'm like fucking opposite of that. That is no, like, no, no, no. So I was very clear with myself about what I wanted and what I wanted was. It's a very strong, deep relationship. Like I want the, you know, our relationship to be number one. Something we both prioritize, something that we put a lot of work into, something we put a lot of effort in, a lot of energy into. And I feel like that can get lost if you're chasing a ring and you're chasing marriage. Right. It can be like, I got to get to this thing. I got to, it's like a checkpoint. It's like this like check box. And I did not want to do that. So like, that's part of it. I also think the other part of it is like, we have to look about the origins of marriage. Like the origin of marriage is it's a business transit. Yes. Right. Women were property and we were given to further empires, create money for men essentially. And you know, pass down property and like that business part, like you are in a contract. with the state and the federal government. And that part can't be overlooked. Like, that marriage contract is actually about the state and the federal government more than it is like you and your partner. And that piece bothered me. It still does. I don't love that we have to sign a contract with the federal government. the government about our relationship. It really bothers me. I think that what I found romantic about, you know, when we were thinking we were just going to do be engaged, Trevor, life partner thing. I love that we were going to show up every day and say, I choose you. I don't have to be here. It's really easy for me to leave, but like we're choosing to stay here. Like that to me is romantic. That level of honesty and transparency. is the most romantic to me. That's where it's at. That's also the safest, right? Like I want everything out on the table. I don't want you here because you feel obligated. Cause you signed. There's some promise we made. Yeah. Yeah. Like, or it's just difficult to get out of something. Yeah. So yeah, those were the reasons that, you know, I was kind of, Oh, I don't know. But I also, when I had that thing of like, I actually do want to marry this man. I was like, well, I have what I, like, we have an incredible relationship and not quite emotional. Not because I don't want to get emotional, but because I just want to get through this without crying. Um, but I trust him. Like, I, I trust his integrity. He has, you know, so much integrity. So like, I know that we are going to put the work in and put the effort in and, you know, center our relationship and really prioritize that. Like, we have that. That's done. That, you know, we've like, we've put in that foundation and that work. Yes. And we will continue to. Not that that doesn't stop. Like, that definitely continues. But I trust that we will continue to do that. And also, I just want to have all the experiences with it. Yes. Like, I want it all with him because I'm just so in love, so I was just like, like, oh, like I want that piece, but the way that I'm, and the way that, you know, he and I are sort of keeping our values around it is, I suggested we do a pre nup. And not because I have like a ton of money, I don't. Which I did right now, but I don't. More because I want to like, lay everything out, if worst case scenario happens, of like, how things work. You know, money or whatever would be divided and, and like property. But like, if we have a kid, what we would do for custody, what we would do for child support, all of that, I want everything like laid out because I want it to be as easy as possible for us to still leave. If we want to, because I still want that. Like, even though we're married, we are still choosing, like we're not here. An obligation. We're not here because we have to be. We're here because we want to be. So I want that like extra thing in there to create that in this other thing too. So that is making me feel like, okay, like we can do this our way and we can do it in a way that still feels like we're honoring who we are and what we believe in as like a couple. Yeah. That's so interesting. Cause like To hear your take on it is almost like, it's funny. Cause like, I think a lot of people are like when you're married, like that's your like binding choosing you every day. And I feel like it's funny. Cause your take, which is like, I do kind of agree with it. It's like also seeing it through the lens of like. Don't just stay here because that's just what you got yourself into and like you're just settling and like not growing and continuing to choose. So I, I kind of like understand from your history why you're like, no, no, no. It's like, it's much more romantic to not be in a binding relationship and choose you every day, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think like we're looking at it like in two ways. Like we're looking at the business side of it because this is like a business deal. And I think you like can't ignore that and you need to like acknowledge that. Again, transparency and honesty are the most romantic things to me. So clouding something over or like pretending not to talk about or pretending it's not there is like I have zero interest in that. So, like, there is a business side of it, and like, I want to be honest enough, right, about that. You know, then like, the romantic piece of it is the ceremony and having our friends and family there. And that is the like, romantic side, but that like, I'm choosing you every day and I, you know, I do think it's romantic, you know, and that's like what I liked about the, the not having the contracts. I, I want that vibe still. Totally. You can, and you can, you'll make it when you want to make it. Yeah. Um, and then you did text me, although I'm not going to like describe it or dish it cause you probably want to keep it a secret, but Amanda did text me a photo of her wedding dress. And like, can you, can, what, what can you explain of this? Because it's pretty crazy. Well, first of all, it's perfect. It's perfect. But let me talk about like, okay, so we're like, I guess we're going to get married. Oh my God. Okay, cool. And then we were like, okay, so also part of like not getting married is I don't want to plan a wedding. My wedding has never been something that I've like thought about really saying I don't like to plan things. I'm not a big party person. It's just not my bag. I love. Going to a beautiful wedding. Amanda, same. I always say No part in doing it. I literally always say, I am the happiest guest. I am like, thank you for putting all this together for me. Thank you for like, letting me celebrate you. Like, I am literally the best fucking guest. Like, I've really not given much thought ever to like, what an ideal wedding looks like. It overwhelms me. Yeah. No. Yeah. I, I really didn't want any part of that. So we were like, okay, what are we going to do? And I had always thought like going to, you know, the courthouse is romantic, but then, you know, and I was kind of like, okay, we go to the courthouse and we can invite our friends. And then we could like go to just like dinner after or whatever. And he was like, okay, so if we do that, we have to rent out the restaurant. And I was like, We don't. He was like, cool. So what restaurant in Portland can we show up with 50 people and expect to be sat? And I was like, okay, you have a point. So we were like, we know that we want, we want to like celebrate, right? Like with our loved ones. And so it was like going to the courthouse just alone, like isn't going to work because we do want to have a celebration. So it's like, well, we want to do that. Okay. So like renting on, and we don't want to spend a lot of money. So I was like, I don't want to plan something and I don't want to spend a lot of money. And then we're like, our house. We have a great backyard. Great. Cool. It'll be like a cute little backyard thing. Awesome. And then we were kind of on that path for a minute, but like with that came, Oh, I have to plan this. I had to get rentals. One, I had to decorate it too. I have to like, think about, and I was like, No. Okay. I don't want to plan. So, I was at PT for my shoulder. I have to say, I really dislike my PT. But she really helped me with our wedding. Because she told me that she You know, if she's good for one thing. She was brought into my life to help in this one area. She was definitely not brought in to help with my shoulder. But she told me that she got married on a boat. Oh, and I was like, Oh, tell me more. And so I called the place and it's something where I just show up like our wedding is planned. All we had to do is like, we got the date that is done. That is the only choice that I have to make. So we're going to show up, we're going to like, our ceremony will be there. We'll do a little cruise. They already have the food there. They will set it up. They're going to do our cake for us. That is set up. We show up, we leave. What? Wait. So, plant. Easy. Okay, wait. So. I'm very excited. Reversing a bit. You, like, called this, like, whatever, like, I don't know, like, boat person. And you were like, give me the lowdown, and they were just like, you don't need to do anything. Like, it's, we have everything pre set. So, I mean, is it gonna be the, like, most aesthetically beautiful, um, Wedding? No, it won't. But that literally doesn't matter to me. So, like, I don't, there's no, nothing I have to worry about. Like, our wedding is planned. Oh my god. We are gonna show up, we're gonna be there, and then we are going to leave. And I am stoked. And then we'll have, like, people, you know, can come over our house after and, like, hang out. So it's gonna be, like, very relaxed, very chill, no stress, which is what I wanted. So going into my wedding dress, I was like, Zach is like, I find it hilarious that you did not want to get married and yet here we are. And you like have a wedding dress and like you want like speeches and I was like, well, if we're going to do it, I want romance and I want to look good. So you know, here we are. But so I was going into it like thinking, Oh, so the PT also told me about brides for a cause. And I was like, all right, I'll check it out because I wanted, I wanted to go to behold and that was like where I wanted the dress to be from because I just love their styles so much. And I didn't want to spend too much. And like, there's like a pretty good range. Yes. So I had an appointment for beholden. But before I went, I was like, I'll just go for a Bridesmaids because it's like discounted wedding dresses and they're secondhand. So like you can get really good deals. So I was like, I'll just check it out. I'm sure I won't find a dress. And I was thinking going in, like, I want something short, maybe more casual, and Zach is listening so I can't talk too much about my dress, but, um, I went in I'll, I'll fill in. It, when, it's the, it's like the opposite. It's like, it's funny, which Amanda and I were joking when we were texting, which is just like the idea of like when you go in with like one thing in mind and then it's like the complete opposite and you're like, this is it. Yeah. Haha. Yeah. Yeah. But I was also like, I really don't know. What I am. You were open. You were open to the I'm really, really open. Like, I want, you know, I'm sure I'll know when it's something that I like. So, went into the appointment and it's I will say, Bride for Cause, like, amazing, fantastic, highly recommend if you're in Portland. But it also, like, is like No muss, no fuss. Like, they're not fussing over you. Like, you're pulling your dresses. Like, it's not, like, uh, an experience. Yeah. I would say. Which is fine. So I go and I'm like, first of all, I get there and she's like, Okay, so just so you know, wedding dresses run small. So you already need to size up. And I'm like, why do we do this tomorrow? Yeah. You're like, and great. Even on their wedding day. Why are we doing this? Okay, fine. And she was like, and you might even want to go up like two sizes. So I was like, well, that's fun for body image stuff, but cool. Okay. So, you know, I'm like looking through dresses and trying them on. And I was just like, and you know, I'd heard like a wedding dresses like fit so well. And I was like, Hey, you really don't. Um, and I was just like, no. No, no, none, none of it was making me feel like yes, like nothing. I was just like, this kind of sucks. Like there was one dress. I was like, I don't like this. I like kind of like the shape. What I did recognize was I hate like lace. Like I didn't like, there was so many like nude lace dresses. I was like, yeah, no, I wanted something really, you wanted like modern and clean. And so I did like a couple rounds of try ons and you have an hour and so I was like getting close to the hour and I was like, this is just like not working out. So I was like, okay, I guess I'll go to beholden, you know, cause that was like my next appointment. And I was like, whatever. And then I was literally walking out the door, had my purse and I walked by and I just felt like it hit this dress and I had already been down this aisle before. And I was like, oh, I didn't see that. So I pulled it and I was like, all right, this looks kind of cool. Like I'll just try it on. And the minute the woman zipped me up, I was like, uhoh, this. I think this is it. I think this is my dress. And then I was like, I really like this. And I was like, can I try on a veil and shoes? And she was like, sure. So I put on a veil and I got shoes, or I got shoes. And then she put the veil on in the front because I had like a little pedestal with a mirror, which is like in the video that I sent you. And as soon as she put the veil on, I just started bawling. And I was like, Oh God, I'm a bride. And she was like, yeah. And I was like, I love it. And it's just, it's so neat. I feel very me in it. It is perfect. It's not casual, but it's perfect. And I am so excited for Zach to see me in it. Like I cannot wait. It's really hard to not show him. It's really hard. Yeah, I can imagine. No, I'd be the same way. I'd be like, do you want a peek? Like, yeah, but, and we're really good. You, um, I texted him, like, I found the dress and he was like, I can't see it right now. I was like, no, but I do really want to show you, but it's just, I feel so beautiful in it. And like, and in the other dresses, I was kind of like having some like body image stuff. And I was like, man, I thought this would not be the case with wedding dresses. And then with my dress that I found, I was like, I feel so good. Hot. Like my body feels great. You looked so hot in it. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. So I was like, this is great. You just really do have to find the right dress. And it was the like feeling I was hoping for. Like I, Put it on and immediately I knew it was like, this is it. So did you go to Beholden after just for funsies? No, because Beholden is, the appointment is on Monday. So I'm not going to go because like, this dress is Beholden. So I got the exact brand that I wanted. It was 1, 400. I got it for 250 with my veil that I also got 310. I just like, like what? Like add like zzzz. This whole process has been so easy. I'm just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, done. I'm like so excited for you. Like what, who, who spends like, I spend like 2. 50 on like a dress for like, I don't know, to be someone's guest or like go on vacation. I don't know. Like, like I do stupid shit. Like my Dohan dresses are more expensive, to be honest. Yeah, literally. That's what I was about to say. Like Dohan reformation. I've spent far more on a Dohan dress. I know. Yeah. But that's why I really like Brides for a Cost, because I'm getting this like insane dress For very inexpensive. I will say I do have to have it altered. So like at the end of the day, it will be more expensive than 250 because I have to get it altered, but like, I'm glad that I'm not buying a 1, 400 dress and having to get it altered on top of that. Exactly. So that's helpful. So I'm, I just, it was so easy and perfect. And like this whole thing has just been like so easy and perfect. And it's been amazing. Like, did you know when you were in Sedona that he, that Zach was going to propose? No, I had a, like, a hope on my birthday because he said, I'm going to save a present for you to give to you in Sedona so that you feel like it's still your birthday. Because we, you know, my birthday, we didn't go on my birthday because. It was expensive to fly on my birthday and then it was much cheaper to go in the first week of April. So I was like, okay, and I had a little thought of like, ah, what if he's going to propose? Yeah. And then I like kind of held on to that for a day. And then I remember journaling, like if he doesn't propose, you're going to be so fucking bummed. So you need to like chill out. And he's probably not, so just like, and so I let it go. So, no. I did not. Oh my god, that is wild. I just want to like, shed the light for other people listening, like around navigating this. Did you have like significant conversations leading up to this about like, What you wanted. Did you talk a lot about like, you know, within the next year, I'd like to be engaged. Like what were those behind the scenes conversations? Yeah. I mean, I will say Zach and I knew very early on that we were like the one. However you want to say it, like soulmates, like we, we knew I was, I knew very, very early, but I also was like, I'm going to really do some work to make sure and not like go with that feeling quite yet. And then once I had like really seen like, okay, this is, this is, a man who is showing up in the way that I want to consistently, like the integrity is there, the trust is there. Then I was like, okay, we'll open for that feeling. But, um, so we knew very early on. So once we were like together, he has known for a long time that like, I was like, marriage doesn't really matter to me, but like, I want to be engaged. So we've had that conversation. pretty early on and then he has kind of he would kind of like put me off like I would be like I you know really want to be engaged and like rings are pretty like I would like you know try to bring it up and he was like pretty like he was just like yeah okay and whatever and like wouldn't Like really dive deep into it because he had been planning it for a long time and like was he knew what I want if he knew I wanted to be surprised he knew I didn't want anything to do with like picking the ring like I wanted him to do like I showed him like shapes that I likes like I was like I like this general line and so he like you know chose from there but he like kept me At a distance from it so that I could be surprised, which I really appreciate, but we had had those conversations, of course, of like what that means to us, what would feel good for me, what wouldn't feel good for me, so it was perfect. I love that. Yeah, I like asking these questions because I think it's important to Like kind of give a little bit of the behind the scenes of what it might look like for people, like leading up to this. Cause it's just, first off, a lot of people in my life are getting engaged these days, you included. And it's just really interesting because I was on the phone with a friend of mine lately and she was saying that like, she was at a birthday dinner with her Boyfriend and they were chatting and she was like, they kind of were having like bigger talk around kind of like, what is the next couple of years look like in terms of like, they were talking about like savings and like what they wanted to get put together for a down payment and what they wanted to like put together. And then like the wedding came up and she was just like, she was like, it's really interesting. Cause she's like, I'm actually happy that we started talking about this. Cause she's like, I know it will, like, we're going to get engaged when we're going to get engaged, but she's just like, it's nice to talk preemptively about like, Like, what does the budget look like for us? Like, can we start getting behind, like saving if I want to do a big event? Like, you know, so I kind of was like, Commending her and being like, yeah. Cause when I get engaged, I want to hit the ground running and not feel like, and listen, like, I mean, no shade to this, but like, I have friends who have been engaged for like two and a half years. Oh wow. And like, you know, who knows why. There could be other reasons, but like, even like financially speaking, because I know weddings can be such a pressure these days, which is why like, rock on for you for being like, no, no, no, like, we're like, Like, this is not gonna be what Amanda's, like, shaking her head in agreeance. No. But, like, I know I have one friend I'm thinking of, for example, where she wants this really big event. She's been engaged for a really long time, and I know it's been tough for her to be, like, how are we gonna feasibly make this happen? And, like, I'm, like, ugh, I feel bad. You know what I mean? And, like, you want to capitalize on the excitement, and, like, You know, do your thing and not feel like it's a drag. Totally. I will say that, like, we, I love our communication and we talk about everything. So, like, we were very on the same page about budget and, and stuff and, and also on the same page of, like, Once we decided that we were gonna get married, like, we don't, we're not spending a ton of money on this. Right. Like, that is the exact opposite of what we want to do. It's a huge lump sum. Like, if you were to be like, okay, Right. That doesn't matter to us. Right. Like, what could we actually take this and put it toward? That might be, like, more than a day of partying. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Exactly. Like, we do, we do, one of his best friends was like, I really do recommend, like, getting those of the most together and, like, telling each other how you feel in front of everybody. And we were like, okay, that That sounds That sounds nice. That is very romantic. I do really like that. Um, so, like, we were clear about that, but it was, like, I just, what's important to me is, like, Zach and me getting to celebrate, our commitment to each other and, you know, having the people that we're closest to witness that and like, that's it. I don't need anything else, like a pretty dress. But like, I also wasn't willing to spend a lot of money on a dress. I'm like, this is one day, which is unfortunate because I really liked the dress. I'm like, can I wear this? You could definitely get it like tailored into something else. Again, I can't say because I don't want to give anything away because Zach is Close by, but I am definitely going to do that so that I can't. Yeah, and. Cause I just like. You could even like, I know girls, I have a friend of mine who actually dyed her wedding dress another color later on. So it's like not. I already know what I'm gonna do, but again, I can't tell you. Okay. Well, we'll, we'll have to wait. I'll tell you later. Yeah, we'll have to wait and see. Um, but yeah, I think that it is, it's, It's important, especially if you're going to be, you know, potentially marrying somebody to have all those conversations beforehand, like they need to know what's important to you. You need to know what's important to them. You need to know what they like with like all those conversations should be being had like. And we did early enough that, like, he could go from there and kind of anytime if I was, like, post those conversations, bringing it up, kind of like, uh huh, like, push me off so I didn't know when it was coming. Like, I had two dreams that he proposed to me. leading up to him proposing. Wow. And every time I told him, he was like, wow, that's cool. And I was like, okay, like, when are you proposing though? Like I was just really like, come on, but I'm glad because I wanted the surprise. Like I didn't want to be involved and you know, other people aren't that way. Like I know, you know, my best friend, she absolutely wants to be involved in like every aspect of it. Like she's not someone who wants a surprise. So it's like, it really isn't like the person, but like those kinds of conversations, And like, I absolutely think they should be talked about well before it happens. You're cracking me up because a friend of mine who was like out here she Was out here doing like a bunch of podcasts And uh her boyfriend at the time like was staying with her and they were like he flew in a couple days later Stayed with her and they were like gonna go up to like san diego or something I don't know where they were going and she said that she was like the night he came in they like were like they woke up the next morning and she's like I just had the craziest dream. She was like you proposed to me in this dream and she said Like in talking to you, like a couple of days later, she's like, I must've had this man sweating balls because he literally had a proposal planned that night. He was like, like he almost, she was like, he almost gave it away because like in, in real, he didn't, but like, he was like, basically like, how do you know? He's like, you're a witch. Yeah. What's crazy to me is like, he, Zach had my ring box with my ring in it. in his backpack on the flight. He had the ring with him the whole day we were in Sedona, because we didn't stay in Sedona. So like he had just had it with him. And I was like, where did you put, because like my ring box is like pretty big. And I was like, How did I not see this? Like, what? It's like, I think connecting those dots, like, after the fact is kind of fun. Because you're like, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I understand why it doesn't. Whatever. Which is awesome. It's fun. It's like half the, like, the recap afterwards. Yeah. Is the good, the good time. Ah. And now we just, like, call each other fiancé, and, you know. I just love it. I was just thinking of that. I don't know if you ever watched Seinfeld, but there's this whole episode of like Elaine being like fiance. Um, it's great, but I'm so happy for you, Amanda. Wow. I'm so happy. It's just crazy. It happened fast for you and in a good way. Like when you know, you know. Yeah. When you know, you know. Yeah. I think part of it, like us being. Older. And I also just think like, I think because, specifically because we spent the first three months of our relationship long distance, so like we just talked and just had like these long conversations. Like, you know, we grew so, so, so close because of that. And it also like laid this foundation down of like, we talk about everything. Yeah. You know, like really in depth. So I think this, it just like created this very strong foundation for us. Thank you. Bye. Love it. It's just so, it's just such a beautiful, and I like love that it's all documented on this show, which is so cool, like if you guys are new here, you can listen back, it's just like really exciting. Oh yeah, I know, I loved when I was like, uh, hey guess what? You're like, uh, I'm back and, uh, I'm, you're like, I'm dating someone. Wow. That was the best story. And also we're moving in together. Yeah, I know. It's so amazing. Yay. It worked though. Well, thank you for sharing your story. That was just like, yeah, really, really fun. It was, it was, it's fun to share. It's, it's very cool. Like I'm, I'm really happy just like in the moment, but it's also very cool to like, just take a step back and be like, Yeah. Like, look at my journey to this relationship and, and just, within this relationship and it's just really cool. Like, my past selves would be like, so stoked. Yeah. Which is fun. I know. It's awesome. It's so insane. Especially like, my like, you know, my like, little 20 year old selves, like, oh, they would just be so like, oh my god, okay. Because there were just so many days where it was just like, this is so dark and dreary and I'm so. Like desperate and broken and it's just like good. Yeah, it's good. It's healing. It's celebratory, it's like all the things I I very very I I love it. I'm very Excited for you. Do you guys ever plan to get engaged or get married or is that something you guys want? Um, yes we are It's interesting because like kind of tailing on our like last quickie about like timelines and stuff, it's just very interesting to notice that like once you've been dating someone for a while, like how much people suddenly start to be like, so what's next? And you're like, what? And I just like, think it's interesting. Like I was. again, having this conversation with a couple of people the other day being like, it's so funny how like there can be a lot of pressure to like, just like rush and like do it. And we have definitely, we talk a lot about our potential wedding. We don't really get into like the engagement because like, I kind of just want to leave that up to him, but he's given me like, he's, he's given me like some loose timelines and I'm like, okay, like, honestly, like, It's up to you. Like, I am not pressuring about it, nor do I feel like I need it. It's not a need, you know? Yeah. So, I'm just like, it's, it's you. The ball's in your court. Like, like, we definitely have a few more conversations to probably have around it. But to be honest, it's not something I've like dreamt about. I never was like, this is something I'm planning and dreaming and I know exactly where and when and how I'm just like, I have no clue. It's funny because we'll both be like, what does the wedding look like for us? We're like, I have no idea. Like, we feel like we're starting at ground zero. Like, oh, yeah. Well, and it's, once it becomes like a, oh, like this isn't, Theoretical, this is like reality. It is such a different thing. You're like, what is actually important? Yeah. And what isn't? Yes. And I think that is like, what's the best thing to do is like really do something that fits. Who you are as a couple and like honors, whatever that means, you know, not having a wedding or not getting married. You know, like whatever it is. Yeah. And like, it's been nice for me. I'm like early in a wave of like, it's funny, I know so many people that I'm not directly friends with who Are like getting married young and engaged young young. I'm saying like under 25. I'm like, that's young to me for like marriage. That is a child. Yeah. And like, I am like, my friends are definitely, we've always been a little bit like later bloomers. Like we just take our time. Like we're not rushed and only a select number of my friends are engaged and we're like 29. So I'm like, I feel like this is happening. Like, I feel like it's just 30 that even feels young for me. Like, I mean, it's. different because you and Connor have been together for so long. So like, if you got engaged tomorrow, that would make sense. I wouldn't be like, yeah. Um, but it, it does like for me looking back, yeah, yeah. I could not have been engaged during that time of my life. Like. You know, I've said this often, like, I really wasn't ready for Zack until I turned, like, 39. Like, I, that was really when, like, the tides started turning. I was like, okay, I can actually, like, facilitate the kind of relationship I want to facilitate now. Yeah. Um, but before then, like, I could not. So for me, though, like, according to society, getting engaged at 39 seems like, Late. For me, it's like exactly on time. It always is exactly on time. Because it's exactly like the right moment for me as a person and like my individual growth and like then also for us as a couple and like our growth. Yes, hands down. And like there have even been a couple of things like Connor said to me where he's just like, I want to have this in line or like this. Yeah, whatever. before I take the next step. And I'm like, respect, you know what I mean? Like you, yeah. I mean, again, it is a business. Like we do have to consider that those things are real. Like there is a non romantic side to it. And I don't think that we can't like disregard that side. 100%. I think it's important to, like, look at both. Yeah. I don't know if you, um, have, like, culturally been following a lot, do you, do you follow, like, Alex Cooper from Call Her Daddy? Oh, oh, yeah. She got married. She just got married, and I have to say I did not love her dress. No. I'm so with you. I did not love it either. I was like I know, she had like a bunch of dresses, but the one she got married in specifically, I was like, uh. Yeah. Her other dresses were gorgeous. I was like, god damn. I know. So I was like, had high hopes, and then I was like. I know. I know. I know. I mean, if she felt beautiful, that's what matters. Right. Yeah. Who are we to say? Like, I mean, she was a stunning girl. It just wasn't my personal favorite. Yeah. She's stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. Yeah. No, I'm still with you. But I think I, I like read the Vogue article and everything and like, I, I just was like, I like reading and like kind of understanding people's like little stories and I just loved how intentional they were with all their like moments and little things. And I just, I think it's very fun when people kind of take. Like the blueprint of a wedding, but then they like make it really work for them and like put their story into it. And like, there were so many things where she was just like, we both have two left feet. So like we did a first, like shot instead of a first dance or like, like she's like, we like her, their cakes were like, just, you know, they looked like kind of just like a quick scribbled birthday cake. Like it was not an ornate thing. And I was just like, I loved kind of like reading that and seeing how they introduced like their own. Totally. I think you have to make it yours. Like, don't just do something because like, that's how it's done. Yeah, hands down. Oh, well, I can't wait to hear more about the, uh, process as it goes, but. I mean, the process is done. That's it, ma'am. The next time we could talk is when it actually happens. Like, literally everything is done. We have a photographer. Everything is done. I'm so excited. Yeah, I love it. You're like, I'm not consuming my life with the planning process. I am good. No, and nor am I doing like, I'm not doing a bachelorette. I'm not doing engagement party. I'm not doing engagement photos. I'm not doing a shower. Like none of that interests me. The only like bridal moments I want is like one being in a dress and then two, I will get ready with my friend. Yes. You know, my like honorary Wedding party. They will not be standing up there with me. They're not gonna be wearing any dresses specifically like they're just they just know that they are and they'll get ready with me. Um, and I want a robe that says bride with that. I get ready in and I want, um, pajamas that say our last name on it. And that's it. Like, that's all that, like the bridal stuff that I want. The other things I'm just like, it just doesn't interest me. So like, I'm just not going to do it. Oh yeah. Wait, are you taking Zach's last name? Yeah. Oh wow. I know, I feel like that's like not done anymore, really, but I, I really want to. I like his last name. And if we do have kids, I want the same last name as my kids. And also just like all the hyphenating. I'm like, what happens when they meet someone also with a hyphen name and then it's four last? Like, there's a lot there. Let's just keep it fucking simple. And yeah, I want to. I love it. Oh, Amanda, I'm so excited. Well, thank you for sharing all of the deets. Yeah. And, yes, thanks for asking. I love that. I love our Go listen to Taylor Swift's new album. I know, everybody. We're like her best PR. Promo. Yeah. I mean, certainly not her best PR. My god, she has a lot of PR. Oh, yeah. That's not even like stuff she pays for. Her fans are just like We'll promote you till the day we die. Yeah, truly. Truly. Live on. All right, guys. Well, thanks for tuning in. As always, you can find all of our info in the show notes. You can connect with Amanda Blair there as well. She is offering sessions as always, so you can get one on one coaching with her, soon to be therapy. And yeah. Thank you so much for tuning in, we love you guys, and we'll catch you soon. Bye! Bye! Thank you for listening to the Bedside podcast. I hope you love this episode as much as we did making it. If you have any feedback, questions, or suggestions for future episodes, or if you just wanna chat, don't hesitate to reach out to us at the bedside on Instagram and the bedside.co online. You can also find us at by the bedside on TikTok to stay updated on our latest. episodes, be sure to subscribe to our podcast on your preferred platform. And if you found this episode valuable, I would so greatly appreciate if you could leave us a rating, a review, text it to a friend, share it to your Instagram stories. Let's get this message out there loud and clear until next time. Thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you next week.