Strong Like Dad on Father's Day

In this episode of Grieve, Love, Heal, we sat down with four Valerie’s House girls who all have one thing in common. They are fatherless on Father’s Day. Our host, Ally O’Brien, lost her dad when she was sixteen, and now supports others through their grief journeys. This episode recognizes all dads. Those still by our sides and those that are no longer with us. Ally helps guide our guests through the bittersweet emotions associated with this June holiday. She reminds them that they must stay strong, strong like dad.

Transcript

Angela Melvin   0:00
Grieve, Love, Heal. You can't do them alone. We all lose people we love. So, let's talk about it. I'm Angela Melvin. My mother died when I was 10 years old. And that's why I started Valerie's House. It's a safe place in Southwest Florida. For children who've lost someone they love. Join us as we explore how to grieve, love, and heal together.

Ally O'Brien   0:26
Welcome to the Grieve Love Heal podcast produced by Valerie's House. I'm Ally O'Brien, Assistant Director of Group Support and your host for today's episode. So, Father's Day is here. It's a day to show appreciation to our fathers to show that we are grateful for them. However, for some like myself, it's a day of remembrance that often brings back feelings of grief and loneliness. On this day, every year, social media is blasted with photos of dads with their children, dads doing something special, and just being all-around great. Because let's face it, they are pretty great. But for others, it's a reminder that our dad is no longer here and we're no longer able to celebrate with them or pay homage like the others. Luckily, the day does not have to be all sad. There are ways we can honor our father on this special June holiday. For example, every year I celebrate with my father in ways that he would want me to celebrate him. I go to the beach, I make breakfast for dinner, I listen to the song American Pie. And looking back at pictures of him, I remind myself of who he was and who I am today. I honor the legacy he left by remembering which pieces of his fatherly character were passed down to me, Maybe that I'm good with my hands or I'm creative. I can kind of use a power tool, and I'm really in love with being busy. In this episode of Grieve Love Heal, I'll be chatting with a group of Valerie's House girls with one thing in common. We are fatherless on Father's Day. I wanted to hear from them the traits that they miss about their father, how they are most like him, how they will honor him on this day, and their feelings around the day in general. Welcome, guys, I am so happy to be with each of you today. I really appreciate your courage to come on and speak about this topic. Uh, the topic we were talking about is Father's Day and what it's like to be grieving the loss of our father. I want to take some time first to get you guys to introduce yourselves. So we can check-in like a normal group at Valerie's House. Um, so, a normal group of Valerie's House is telling us your name, age, how you're feeling today on a scale of one to 10, and most importantly, who died in your family. So, who would like to start?

Sydney   2:56
I'll start. Okay, so my name is Sydney. I'm 20 years old. My dad committed suicide almost a year ago. And on a scale of 1 to 10. I am... One is the worst, right?

Ally O'Brien   3:13
Mhm. One is bad. 10 is good.

Sydney   3:16
Um, I don't know, I'd say probably just in like right in the middle. I have a lot going on, like, it's Father's Day, then two weeks later is his birthday and then two weeks later is his death. So...

Ally O'Brien   3:31
Yeah. A lot of back to back going on right now.

Sydney   3:36
Yeah.

Ally O'Brien   3:37
Alright. Well, thank you for being here, Sydney. Alright. Who would like to go next?
Sam, you want to check-in?

Sam   3:46
Sure. Um, I'm Sam. I'm twelve. Um, my dad died a year ago next month. And today I'm like a seven because, like, we're not really doing anything, but it's Saturday and I'm on a houseboat and there's a bunch of people going by. So, there's a lot of big waves and we're rocking a lot. But, other than that. Nothing much.

Ally O'Brien   4:15
Cool! That's awesome that you're on a houseboat. Do you go to this place every year?

Sam   4:21
Yeah.

Ally O'Brien   4:22
Awesome. So it's your little summer vacation every year. Very cool. In Tennessee, right, you said? Cool. Love that. Well, thank you also for being here and taking time out of your Saturday on the waves to be with us.
Jaylie?

Jaylie   4:41
Okay, I'm Jaylee. I'm 18 and I- Or my dad he passed away about a year and a half ago in a car accident on his way to work, and I'm about like a seven or eight today.

Ally O'Brien   5:00
Thank you. So, we can start and I think I just have open discussion questions that you guys can answer. Just speak up whenever you feel like answering. If you don't feel like answering this question, we can even move on to the next one. But my first question I have for you guys is how would you describe your father?

Sydney   5:22
I would describe my dad as extremely hardworking. Someone who would give the shirt off of his back to anybody who needed it. Um, the life of the party for sure, but also a very simple man, a man a few words, very supportive. Things like that.

Ally O'Brien   5:42
How would you describe your dad Sam?

Sam   5:46
Um, he was, like, kind to everyone. And he was very giving. Like, he would just like give a lot of what he had. And he liked to have fun, but not like in an adventurous way. Just, like, things he was comfortable with, like coming here every summer. Like, he loved to take the boat out and have fun. But he wouldn't go out of his comfort zone much. And he was just kind of caring and loving.

Ally O'Brien   6:16
Do you feel like you have those things in common with him? Do you like to have fun but not go too far out?

Sam   6:21
Yeah.

Ally O'Brien   6:23
Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that with my dad too.
Jaylie, how would you describe your father?

Jaylie   6:31
Um, he was like... I don't know. He was just, like, super funny. And he, like, worked really hard. Um, and he, like, loved helping people like, even if he didn't like necessarily like them, he was to help them out if they needed it.
But, like, he always had a smile on his face. And that was like the most. Like, I don't know how to word it. Like, the thing that, like drew people to him, I guess. Is he was always just happy.

Ally O'Brien   7:01
He was always smiling and happy.

Jaylie   7:04
Yeah.

Ally O'Brien   7:06
Thank you. Alright, I'm gonna let Olivia into the group really quick.
Hi, Liv, how are you?
You know how to unmute yourself?
So, what we started with was we talked about um how we would describe our father. What is something, How would you describe your dad?

Olivia   7:28
Um, he was funny. I mean, he had brown hair. Um. I don't know really how to describe him. He was a chef.

Ally O'Brien   7:46
He was a chef? Cool. Did you like to eat his food?

Olivia   7:51
I mostly liked his milkshakes.

Ally O'Brien   7:54
His milkshakes? I like that. What kind of milkshake?

Olivia   7:58
Chocolate.

Ally O'Brien   7:59
Chocolate. That's awesome. Well, the next question is, and we kind of talked about this, Sam, but do you have any of those characteristics in common with them? So, you know, the life of the party or just making everyone smile? Does anyone have any, any characteristics in common?

Sydney   8:20
My dad and I have a lot in common. People always used to say that I was a mini-Sean. We have a lot of things in common in opinions and looks and mannerisms and stuff like that.

Ally O'Brien   8:38
So, you agreed on a lot of things. Nice.
Sam how else would you describe, you know, you being like your father?

Sam   8:47
Um, we were quite a bit alike. We both liked cooking and having fun, like, inside of our comfort zones. And we liked a lot of the same things. Like, the same shows and stuff. And if I was like, "Oh, I don't like this." He was like, "Oh, yeah, I don't either." Or we're like, "I am not a fan of this." He'd be like, "Yeah, no." And we would have the same reasons. And we're both like really kind I think. And we're just a lot alike.

Ally O'Brien   9:22
Yeah. You're both very kind and agreed on a lot of things, like Sydney was saying, just very much alike when you think back to the characteristics of your father.
Does anyone else have any things that they have in common? Jaylie? Olivia?

Jaylie   9:40
We used to like joke around a lot. And, so now like all of his jokes that used to tell me, like, I say them a lot. But, um.

Ally O'Brien   9:50
Are they, like, dad jokes?

Jaylie   9:53
No,  they were kind of like making-fun-of-you kind of jokes. But, like, we were just kidding with each other. But yeah no, like, we just used to joke around a lot. So, like, now I'll say it to like my family members or something and their like "that was mean." And I was like "I'm sorry."

Ally O'Brien   10:11
Yeah, because he was the one who understood you and your jokes.

Jaylie   10:14
Yeah. So at least I got that one from him. So...

Ally O'Brien   10:19
That makes sense. That's a good one. Because he was probably the one that, like, you guys would joke around with each other and not get affected by it, but the rest of your family's like "Okay, that was a little too far."

Jaylie   10:31
Yeah. Yeah, I have to watch what I say to some people because I'll be like, "Oh, nevermind, I guess I can't do that."

Ally O'Brien   10:39
Your dad's coming out in you.
Olivia, do you have things in common with your dad?

Olivia   10:45
No.

Ally O'Brien   10:46
No? Not really? Have you tried to pick up cooking or making milkshakes?

Olivia   10:52
I get my cooking from my mom. My dad was never that good. He was only good at milkshakes.

Ally O'Brien   10:58
He was only good at milkshakes? What do you miss most about your father?

Olivia   11:05
Milkshakes.

Ally O'Brien   11:06
Milkshakes? Ha Ha.
What do you guys miss most about your father?

Jaylie   11:11
I think it's just, like, joking around a lot. Because like, how I said like no one really can take it. So, I think just joking around is what I miss.

Sydney   11:24
Something I miss most about my dad is our phone calls. I didn't get to see him super often because he lives in Tampa. And as I got older, you know, I work a lot and have a social life and stuff like that. So, I would call him every day after work or any time something important happened. We'd talk on the phone for hours at a time, and I really miss that connection and being able to just go on and on and on about stuff.

Ally O'Brien   11:51
Yeah, that was gonna be something I brought it up later too is after, you know, our fathers' died. That's such a prominent person in our life and in our family. And, you know, after that happens sometimes people step up to not take the place of him because that could never ever happen. But step up to support you in a way that maybe they can teach you things that a father could or... Like, my brother, for instance, he really stepped up and tried to, you know, take care of me after my dad died and I think that makes sense, though, Sydney that like now it's like, there's no way like I don't have anybody to call and I, I could agree with that too. For sure it's different.
What was something special that your dads' would do for you or with you? Olivia?

Olivia   12:46
We'd make pizzas together because he owned a pizza shop as one of his, like, years as a chef. He owned a pizza shop. We'd make pizzas together.

Ally O'Brien   12:55
Nice! Making pizzas. What's your favorite pizza?

Olivia   13:00
The, uh, sausage pizza.

Ally O'Brien   13:02
Sausage. Yum!
The elephant in the room. And it is that Father's Day is coming up. And for us who have had our father die. This is not always a day of celebration. It's kind of a day to remember and sometimes we feel sad or lonely during this day. Um, what do you guys plan on doing on Father's Day? Or what have you done in the past or what do you want to do on Father's Day?

Sydney   13:33
So, this is my first father saying without my dad. My plan is to go with my mom, just her and I, to the Florida aquarium. And then after that, we're going to go to my dad's tattoo artist that did mostly all of his tattoos, and he is going to put my dad's handwriting on like a stencil and put it on my back. I think is where I'm gonna get it. And, um, it's from a card that my dad gave me when I graduated. And, it's actually really sweet. It says, "I'm so proud of you love, daddy." So, I think that will be something really nice for me to do. And obviously, it's something I'll always have since it's his tattoo, and it'll be nice. My dad had a lot of tattoos. He was sleeved, had tattoos everywhere. So, it's a nice way of remembering him and also embracing what he likes to do, too.

Ally O'Brien   14:29
I like that idea. And that's a great way to do something that he loved in honor of him on Father's Day. What is it feeling like for you for this to be your first Father's Day without him?

Sydney   14:42
Um, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Ally O'Brien   14:45
Yeah. This is not gonna be an easy day. I think one thing I noticed, um, on the day that makes me feel the most upset is all of the people with dads posting on social media and making memories.
Olivia's nodding her head.
Just, you know, being able to make more memories with their dad and, and have a special Father's Day with them. So that's definitely the hard, hard part about the day for me is... I try to step back from social media and try not to see all that because that upsets me. So, does anyone have anything to tell Sydney about what the first Father's Day is like or what to expect?
Olivia?

Olivia   15:33
Um. I've had actually a few Father's Days without my father, even though it's only been a year since he's died. It's because he wasn't around most of my life. So, I've just been with my step-dad and so I'm spending Father's Day with him.

Ally O'Brien   15:49
So, you celebrate your step-dad a lot on Father's Day. Yeah. So, at Valerie's House, we talk a lot about staying connected to the person who died and continuing our bond with them. Can you think of ways you can do this on Father's Day, or maybe throughout the year, that you can stay connected to your dad?

Jaylie   16:08
I think for me, um, we like try to do the things that he wanted to do. Or, like, all the things that he loved. Um, and I don't know, we kind of just, I don't know, kind of go about our day, but like, try to do like the little things that would have mattered.

Ally O'Brien  16:24
What are some tips you would give to someone who is grieving the loss of their father on Father's Day?

Sydney   16:31
I think what you do is really smart, like, staying off of social media a bit and not, like, indulge ourselves in other people's fathers.

Olivia   16:43
I would just talk to them about it, like, see how they're feeling, and then do something after that.

Ally O'Brien   16:49
So, you would talk to your friend who has also lost a dad. And see how they're feeling that day like check-in with them and then go from there.

Sydney   16:57
I just try to think that he wouldn't want you to sad. And, you know, waste the day on if he could have been or things like that. Because there's really nothing you can do about it. So, try and have a good day. Do things to remember him or don't do things to remember him. But, to be strong I know that's what my dad would want me to be strong.

Ally O'Brien   17:27
Yeah, I see a lot of head nodding. I think we all agree that our father would want us to be strong on that day. Oftentimes, our fathers are the strong ones. So often and that's like, that's what the world portrays a father as. Um. So, I can only imagine that my dad would also want me to be strong just like him.
Thank you guys for doing this. Your strength to share your story definitely does not go unnoticed. Valerie's House is always here for you, and the fact that you guys came on today and really shared some vulnerable things about Father's Day is incredible and something that I know all of our fathers are looking down and saying, Wow, check these girls out.

Angela Melvin   18:13
You're listening to the Grieve Love Heal podcast produced by Valerie's House. Be sure to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram so you can be notified when we post a new podcast. If you know of a child who's grieving and in need of support, visit our referral page on our website, www.Valerie'shouseswfl.org.