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The Esoteric Entrepreneur
A place for soul-work seekers, project people and generally chaotic creatives to explore non-traditional success systems. Hosted by Jaz Borri, listen in and get out side the box.
The Esoteric Entrepreneur
184. YEARLY RECAP: Bankruptcy, Lexapro & Quitting Coaching
It's time to review the year that was, aka the most intense year of not just my business, but my life. As your omni-present guide through the labyrinth of entrepreneurship and personal growth, I felt it was high time I peeled back the layers on the odysseys that social media never witnessed.
Through the emotional rollercoaster of 2023, I've grappled with the shadows that lurk behind the entrepreneurial gleam, unearthing insights that are raw, a little ugly & left me feeling skinless.
In my most vulnerable and unfiltered episode yet, listen in as I lift up the hood on a wildly heartbreaking year and how I'm walking out not necessarily unscathed, but breathing steadier than ever before.
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I'd like to begin today by acknowledging the traditional owners of this land on which this podcast is being recorded today, the dark and young people. I pay my respects to their elders, past, present and emerging. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. It's an esoteric entrepreneur thing. Hello and welcome back to the Esoteric Entrepreneur Podcast. I need to exhale.
Speaker 1:I'm feeling a lot of feelings about recording this. I'm just going to be straight up with you. I've kind of procrastinated on doing this. I'm making a lot of excuses in my brain. I'm having a lot of feelings about it and it's because I know that this is going to be vulnerable. My inner saboteur, my inner critic, is telling me to axe half the things that I've written down that I'm going to be sharing to waffle on during the intro. I don't even know how long probably the last week when I've been like I'm going to record this episode I've been stuck on what I'm going to say in the intro. It's set up and you have all this context. The reality of the situation is that that's just my fear and a little bit of perfectionism coming in to protect me, because I know I have to be vulnerable in order to do this episode. I just want to say that I'm going to do it and even though I'm feeling a lot of resistance, I know that I wouldn't have the desire to even record an episode like this if I didn't want to do it, and I'm just hearing all of that fear and just doing it anyway.
Speaker 1:This is a sharing episode. I'm just going to be sharing with you guys what happened in 2023, lifting up the hood and just telling you all the things that I didn't share on social media, I wasn't open about. With that just comes a lot of emotions. That's all I wanted to be honest about that, because the one thing that I'm reminding myself and that's getting me to hit record right now is that sharing your experience is incredibly powerful, because storytelling is what changes people's lives. I've been stuck a lot on like well, what's the value and why would somebody want to listen to this episode? Then I just remembered that stories rule. We love stories as humans and I love telling stories, and you've probably even sensed that I've stopped telling stories a lot on the podcasts especially. We've done a lot of interviews and, whilst I love doing them and we're still going to continue to do a majority of interviews I do think a part of that was because I've been going through so much, and to share and be vulnerable and to tell stories of my own just felt really overwhelming and something that I wasn't ready for. But I do feel ready now, as ready as I'll ever be. I also know that stories are a really great way to empower people to make changes and shift and also feel like they're not alone.
Speaker 1:A big part of the esoteric entrepreneur ethos and brand is about realism and not pretending to be something that you're not to share, an unfiltered reality of what it's like to be an entrepreneur and the spiritual quest that that inherently is. And when we're on a spiritual journey, then there's always going to be shadow, there's always going to be darkness, there's going to be a whole lot of light as well, but that light can only truly shine if the shadow is there too, and so I'm going to share all of it with you guys today. I'm also not going to edit this, because one I think it just takes away from what will bring some value to this, which is for it to feel like we're just chilling, having a conversation. You're just kind of listening into my inner thoughts and, I guess, verbal diary. I think that's the only way that this will truly land and actually be helpful. And also, I don't think I could actually go back and edit it without over analyzing it and just editing out the stuff that I quite and quite don't want to share and again that inner saboteur kind of coming through. So there's going to be a lot of ums and r's, there's going to be a lot of awkward pauses.
Speaker 1:If you want to listen to this on two times speed, go for it. Yeah, I'm just. I haven't done an episode like this in a while, and I used to do a lot of them, and I know you guys like them too, and I like listening to episodes like this as well. Like that's another thing I'm reminding myself too is just like I'm a nosy bitch. I want to know what's going on and I don't want you to, like you know, polish it up for me. Just give it to me straight, just give it to me raw. So I'm going to just do that and my prayer is that, if you have had a really tough year, that you don't feel so alone after listening to this and if you've had a fabulous year, maybe this can give you some perspective and some insight and maybe even like, affirm it like affirm to you some of the decisions that you've made and how right they were and how good you're doing, or, again, it could just be a little bit of voyeurism. That's cool too.
Speaker 1:So before I jump in to all the things and how we're going to like format this episode so it's concise because there's a lot to get through and whatnot I'll just start by saying that 2023 was the most intense year of my life, one of the most intense. I've had some pretty hectic years in my life. Namingly, I want to say 2013,. No, 2014 was pretty hectic and no, 2013 and 2014 were pretty hectic. 2016 was pretty hectic, but from then on, your girl's been vibrant. Your girl has not had a tough time. Your girl could have sat here every single year and been like this year was better than the last and it's just all been up from here. And it's not to say that everything was really bad, but I want to say that there was probably like there's only like one major thing that happened this year that I'm really like loving and like one good thing that happened and it was pretty good, but it was only like one thing. Everything else was really tough and really hard and I wanted to share the depths of that, all that, the entirety of the pain and the tribulations and trials that I went through.
Speaker 1:But when I was first writing it all down, I was like I could sit here for like three hours, like I needed to have some kind of format, framework, structure to kind of give you all of this information through. So what I've done is I've done what's actually called, after Mystic Mandan did the research and told me what it is is called a bacogram, I think is what it's called, which is basically like an anagram, but done backwards. So recap is going to, I guess, like theme each part of my share. So what I mean by that is R is for something, e is for something, c is for something, a is for something, p is for something, but instead of me, like recap is obviously already a word, so you'll get it as I move through it. But I just love this idea. I actually saw this idea through Claudia Saluski, I think is how you say her last name. She's like a vlogger, if you're like a YouTube babe. She's been on YouTube for like a decade and I've been subscribed to her for about that long as well, and she's doing this thing now, where she does like monthly vlog recaps and like each month, r can like mean something different as well. It's not always the same like topic or genre, and I just really loved that. It felt like a framework that you could kind of like vibe with. So if you like this framework, we can like play around with it.
Speaker 1:I have a couple of ideas of how I want to do recaps in 2024. I used to do those sort of episodes. I need to stop doing them. I obviously just told you before why. But yeah, so that's what we're going to do. We're going to move through like five sections, each of them themed by the letters that make up the word recap. That was probably a way more concise way of saying this and that's what we're going to do. So buckle up. I don't think there's anything else I want to say. Oh, this is going to be like part one of a two part series.
Speaker 1:Next week I'm going to talk about 2024 and like what I'm doing with all this information and how I'm forecasting for the year. What I'm forecasting, what I'm doing, I'm I will like, I guess, share a little teaser here and let you know that I am making massive, huge, massive changes in my life, in my business, really, really big changes so that are scary, like they're fucking still scaring the shit out of me. But I know they're right and, yeah, I've just like never felt more clear and like sure of what I need to do to get to where I want to go and feel how I want to feel and be who I want to be and honor my full potential and do what my soul came here to do. So, yeah, this is the first part. Next week will be that all about next year.
Speaker 1:I'm going to walk you through the esoteric entrepreneur edit, which I've been doing as like a mini course, sharing as a mini course inside the club. It's like a month long planning and reviewing framework for spiritual founders. It's called the esoteric entrepreneur edit. I think I said that before and it's been really cool. I've obviously gone through it myself. So a lot of these, everything that I'm going to share with you today, I've been able to pull out with conviction because of what I've done with the edit. So I'm going to share basically the whole edit with you guys next week and, yeah, go into that a little bit more.
Speaker 1:But if you are struggling to just decipher the year that was and plan for the year ahead in a really aligned way and you want to make sure that the goals that you're setting are realistic and achievable but still excite you and the planning process doesn't overwhelm you. It actually feels fun and creative then and you want a framework for that. Then the esoteric entrepreneur edit is for you and if you join the club, it's right there for you to move through. So that's it. Let's jump in and talk about 2023. So the first stop is the letter R in recap, and that is realizations.
Speaker 1:This has been a year of like, realizing things, as Kylie Jenner would say. I wanted to just like, list out all of the things that like came into consciousness for me this year, because this year has really been about that. There have been preconceived notions that I had about myself and I guess, if I'm completely honest, I feel like I was really in my ego up until this year and it's not that I had an ego, death and whatever. It's more so that, yeah, I think I was lying to myself and telling myself that I was more healed than what I actually was. And I think, on top of that, you know, I'm always somebody who's doing the inner work. I'm always excavating, I'm always looking deeper and I love doing that work and it's very fulfilling for me and it feels, I mean, I'm a Scorpio rising, like I'm here to really be in the depths.
Speaker 1:And I think, ever since knowing that, I definitely wanted, like I wanted, to have a family and I think, definitely since meeting Dan, it felt quite poignant and important for me to do a lot of that inner work because I just had this intuitive feeling that and I've had this for my whole life that I'm really here to kind of like break patterns and heal a lot of the stuff that my lineage and my family have gone through. If you guys know my story, you know that you know I was the first person in my family to ever earn like six figures. At the height of my career I was earning way more than like anyone in my family could ever conceptualize, and that's not just like. There's like one other person in my extended family who's very, very wealthy. Everybody else is basically on the poverty line and so, yeah, I've just always had that feeling and then when I met Dan a couple of years ago, that there was just like an importance that really came with that and so this year really just everything had kind of come up and there was a lot of stuff that I got a lot of clarity this year and so I thought sharing with you like the realizations that I'd had that were kind of tough and like hard pills to swallow but the truth about myself would be a great place to start. So I have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight core realizations. These come personal, professional. You know the whole vibe, so I'm going to move through these. I'll explain a couple of them, I'll explain them all, but we'll see how in depth they go with each of them.
Speaker 1:So, number one I am not a recovered workaholic yet, if you know. You know I went on my sabbatical, obviously all the things, but my biggest realization this year, one of my biggest realizations this year, was coming to terms with the fact that I actually wasn't as healed with my connection to workaholism and work in general and my addiction to it. Then I thought I was, I realized I would be if you worked for me, had a reliance and a codependent relationship and an addiction to work. In 2020, when I started, when I went full-time in my business and I did a lot of work around that and I felt quite healed around that, but I was wrong and I didn't realize how wrong I was until this year. I can say that I am feeling a whole new level of healed when it comes to my addiction to work. Now, but, yeah, like and up until I want to say, september this year, I was really in the pits with my addiction to work and the burnout that it causes. And yet the rest that I cannot take without having severe anxiety, which we'll talk more about soon. But that was a big realization for me was understanding like, oh, actually I'm not healed. And yeah, I thought that I was and that was. That was difficult, but I did finally realize that and took some really big steps, which we'll talk about a little bit later.
Speaker 1:Number two is I bankrupted myself. So this year has been one of the most horrendous financial years that I have ever had. I've talked about how I've healed $25,000 worth of debt. I've talked about how I have had some really hectic times with money in my life, but this past year has been it rivals it at the very least. I made some really bad decisions with investments and also, I think, paired with some of the struggles that I went through mentally, it was just really it was really bad. It was really really bad and it was a hole that I dug myself into that I felt a lot of shame around. What I will say is that once things got really fucking bad, I didn't make them worse. That was good. But yeah, like for context, I didn't have to pay any tax this last financial year because I didn't technically make enough money to pay any Like I didn't meet the tax threshold. So you can do the math on that.
Speaker 1:And, as I said, I hold a lot of shame around this. It feels like I've it felt like I had just wasted everything. It just, yeah, I really bait myself up about it and I felt really stupid and yeah, I just I struggled to really come to terms with it and it impacted the way that I viewed myself. It impacted the way I viewed my value inherently within my relationships as a mentor. But what I also realized on the back end of that is that like this is business, baby, like this is entrepreneurship.
Speaker 1:And I had a friend share with me that this was actually a good thing and he's a very successful entrepreneur who is in tech and he's about I want to say yeah 12 years into his business now and he, yeah, like, bankrupted himself many times, and so hearing him say this to me which was this makes you so much more interesting. This makes your story so much more powerful. Who the fuck wants to hear about somebody who just like one all the way to the top, like that's really fucking boring? And he's like, especially with what you do, the revenge story, the bounce back, like what you're going to build after this? What you've learned through this experience is invaluable. It cannot be taught, you cannot pay to learn it, and if you look at every other successful entrepreneur, they have gone through this exact thing, exact thing. So it means that you took a lot of risks, which is your job as an entrepreneur, and you have a really cool story and in your line of work, that's actually going to be really helpful for you. You're going to be able to help so many, so many more people. You're going to be able to stop so many more people from going to the depths of bankruptcy that you did, because you're going to be able to see the signs, and that is going to be so much more beneficial for you, for everybody.
Speaker 1:And, yeah, I have this really deep motivation now, I think, from hitting bankruptcy and I have not shared about this at all online and that's because I felt a lot of shame around it and I got that news like six months ago. So I'm only just starting to feel good about sharing this story now and a part of me is like I'll share this story when I'm making great money again. But nah, that's not the esthetic, entrepreneur way. I share whilst I'm in it and I'm storytelling as I go. That's like a big part of the intention that I have sort of going into next year, which again, we'll talk about next week. But yeah, I bankrupted myself and that was hard.
Speaker 1:The next thing I realized is that I don't want to be a coach. We've talked about this. If you've been here for a while, around the beginning of the year, I realized that I wanted to move away from coach and really start stepping into, I guess, being more of a content creator who has coaching products, rather than a coach who makes content. And that was kind of like my first little inkling that something was shifting and changing. And then I want to say, during my sabbatical, so around August, september, it became really clear to me that that's just not a title that I really vibe with because of the way that it's perceived in the zeitgeist and, I think, also just the role of a coach. It's not to say that coaching isn't something that I do, but it's just not something that I want in my fucking bio. It's not what I want to be known for. It can be something that I do, it can be a tool in my toolkit, just like consulting is, and breathwork and shadow work and life coaching and astrology and all of the things. But to be known as that just didn't feel aligned because I don't really agree with that being the first point of contact when you're thinking about the tool that you want to pick up to help you along your way.
Speaker 1:I think, especially for business owners and for entrepreneurs. You're not an entrepreneur because you don't know what you're doing, and the other thing is as well is you can fucking google it and a coach there's kind of this connotation that the coach is either behind you whipping you along or that they're in front of you leading the way, and I don't want to do that. I think that there are people who are really good at that and I'm not here to be a fucking leader. I'm here to support, help, guide, mentor, like share what I know, make my gifts and talents and expertise and knowledge and wisdom available. And I want to stand beside someone. I want to stand beside my clients. I want my role. I don't want the expectation of anyone that I work with for me to be the person that is telling you leading the way, and you're just eyes closed, holding my hand, and I just take you to where I say you're going to go, where you want to go, no, and I also don't want to be behind anyone whipping them along either. That's just not the vibe I don't want to. Like. I'm not your mom, you know what I mean. Like no, and that's kind of what a coach does. Well, that's what it kind of feels like for me. That's what the industry kind of says it is for me and again, no shade to anyone who was like fuck you.
Speaker 1:I want to be the leader, I want to show people the way. I want people to be able to just sit back, relax and let me move them, and that's just not it for me. I want to make stuff and share stuff that can be in your back pocket, like I want to be beside you. Like if this is like the way I visualize it is like you've you're dropped down to the middle of the jungle, right, like Bear Grill Styles, and you basically have someone beside you, right Again, you can have the person behind you or in front of you. You're at the Bear Girls and you just put a fucking blindfold on and somebody holds your hand and they lead the way right.
Speaker 1:Or there's the person behind you that is just checking for a bears making I don't know, just making sure that you're protected, I guess I don't know, and like whipping you along and making sure that you keep going and keep walking and like don't stop now and like you know, I guess just motivates you, which is cool. But I want to be the person beside you, like I've been dropped in this same jungle before and I know where high ground is and I know where water is and I'm going to and I know, like, how long we have until you know I might fall and I know how to make a fire, and I know you know, like I've done this before and you've got a map and it's your journey, but like so you're going to be leading the way and you have me, an expert, next to you, making sure you don't fuck up, making sure that you don't drown, making sure that you don't get eaten by the saber tooth tiger, and like that's like and that wisdom I feel like is so important, like that's actually what you need to survive, like someone who's a partnership, who's a team with you, and to me, that's mentorship. And so I yeah, I don't want to be a coach, I want to be a mentor. I want to like make really cool stuff and like again, like, share what it is that I'm experiencing and what I know to be true, and that's my way of helping. And obviously, yes, I have all of these like modalities that I have knowledge in and therapies that I can facilitate to make you as strong and as capable and energized on that journey as well. Like, yeah, I know how to like hunt and kill and cook the, cook the meal so that you can keep going. And that's where, like the astrology and the hypnotherapy and all that, comes in. I hope the analogy makes sense, makes sense in my brain.
Speaker 1:I also realized this year that I have depression and maybe PTSD. So, yeah, I've said that I've been dealing with a lot of mental health stuff. I've never directly talked about how bad it is and I'll share a little bit about that now. Trigger warning that I'm going to talk about mental health, so skip forward if you don't want to hear this. So I realized I was depressed around March because I went to the Harry Styles concert and I was in the kitchen, which if you've been to Harry Styles concert, you know. That's like inside the center of the stage and, as somebody who is a creative and was a musician for such a long time, when I go to gigs, like I just feel so alive and I love it. And so I was really excited to be in these seats or this area, because I was standing, because I was basically in the middle of the stage, like I'm feeling and seeing what Harry Styles is seeing, like that would usually like just crack me open in a way. That was is just so euphoric for me.
Speaker 1:And I went to Harry Styles and I felt like nothing like numb, not numb, but like I don't know. Yeah, I just like didn't feel exciting, like excited, like it. Just I didn't get the adrenaline rush, I didn't get the feelings and I was like, hmm, and it had been like a thing that Dan had sort of maybe like reflected back to me and like I hadn't been feeling that great, probably since, like the August of 2022 is when I started to feel bad, like I was like crying every weekend, basically up into that point, and so that was when I was like, but I didn't know it was depression. Like I didn't understand that that didn't, but wasn't something that I thought it could be. I just thought I was like having a tough time and then that happened. So then that might like sort of pricked my ears up to be like okay, so maybe I'm depressed, like maybe something's going on here brought it to my hypnotherapist. She was like look, it could be low lying depression. I'm a hypnotherapist, not a psychotherapist. Go see your doctor.
Speaker 1:Obviously didn't do that for a couple of months and kept feeling really shit until August of 2020, and then that's when I took my sabbatical. And then what happened is the sabbatical was was good, like I started to feel better, the addiction to work stuff started to lift, but what I realized is, oh, that is a coping mechanism for all the shit that's underneath it. So then when I kind of like lifted that hood, thinking that that was the root but it was actually just an effect, not the cause I then had a I can't even explain. Like the shit that went down, it was just like my whole psyche was just like hemorrhaging trauma. That's the only way I can describe it. So I felt really good during the sabbatical.
Speaker 1:I came back to work and I want to say three days back I started to experience what I can only explain as episodes. I'm still figuring out what they are and that's why I say maybe PTSD. We're still figuring that out of whether it's PTSD could be categorized as PTSD. But that's kind of like what was happening and that is the theory that my general practitioner had and therefore sent me to a psychotherapist to get this diagnosed and sought out. But these episodes that I was experiencing were in the middle of the night. I would wake up and be convulsing, shaking, vomiting, like just there's so many other symptoms that are like pretty intense and graphic. I don't know if you need to really hear all about exactly what was happening in those episodes.
Speaker 1:But yeah, we're talking like suicidal thoughts, we're talking about the whole shebang, and it was just really scary to me because I'd never experienced that before. I had experienced episodes like this, but more so, just with the panic. I didn't have the depression and so it was more the thoughts that were freaking me out. It almost felt like I wasn't safe to be around myself. Even if you've ever struggled with depression before, you know what that's like. But I'd never experienced that. But I had experienced anxiety, and so the nausea and even the convulsions and the shaking and all of that. That was something I had experienced, but paired with the thoughts, it was just so overwhelming. And so I struggled with that for a couple of months. And it just takes a while to get into a doctor and find someone, and just that can actually take like three months to set that up, even if you're really on it. So I kind of just like grit and bare it and just got the support that I needed.
Speaker 1:And I was so lucky I'm so lucky to have the relationships in my life that I have, who were there for me during all of this and like, mind you, I'm trying to run a business. So now you guys know why I fucking went bankrupt. I was fucked up. You know what I mean. Okay, I'm really grateful for my relationships and this actually takes me to my next kind of brings me to my next realization is the only thing that really matters is your relationships.
Speaker 1:If I did not have Dan and my fucking mom. I swear to God, I don't like, like, I don't know if I would be here, like, I'm not even kidding, and that's what I mean is like. This is why, like, your mental health is so important, because I could sit here and say like, oh, like, I bankrupted myself and then I had like, then that like led to the depression and maybe that's true, who fucking knows but also did I just have depression and then I was fucked up and then I wasn't making rational decisions because I couldn't think fucking straight. You know what I mean. This is why we need support. I didn't have the support that I have. Like there's just no way I would have been able to see that clearly. Like, there are so many entrepreneurs who don't do that work and don't put themselves first, and that's a big reason why they became successful. I was one of those people. I worked my fucking ass off but for fucking what. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Anyway, my relationships, my mom, my fiance, other fucking bees knees. You know, during all of this, whilst I was, whilst I was going through all of this stuff and, yeah, figuring all this stuff out, like Dan goes away for work a lot, so I found it one of the worst ones that I had, which lasted all night, like seven hours, was when I wasn't with him. I was in Sydney and he was on the coast and, yeah, I had this really, really bad episode. It was really bad. And then he has to go away for work, and so my mom took four days off work and drove up here and stayed with me. You guys, if you follow me on Instagram, you would have seen when we were shopping and making curry chicken and that's because I was scared to be alone. Like I was frightened to be alone, and they just fucking showed up for me. I wanted to. I just don't want to share prematurely about something. I'll talk a little bit more about this, but yeah, that was one big thing that I realised is like your relationships, that all them at it, and I think as well, like when you don't have the quote unquote success, or like you're not feeling the fucking best, like you're kind of in the fucking pits, like my relationships were the only things that mattered. And the other thing too oh, this is the other reason why I wrote this down too.
Speaker 1:I lost a lot of people this year like death wise, like, not just like, oh, I lost some friendships. Like people died this year. Two of my dad's really good friends passed away. They're his age. Like, yeah, it just, it really just puts things into perspective and it just, yeah, this year just made me realise, like who gives a fuck about whether my business is successful? Like my dad's alive you know what I mean and healthy, and I have an incredible fiance and his family is amazing, and I have amazing friends. Like as soon as I opened up with my friends about everything that was happening, they were there for me like in such an amazing way and, yeah, like hectic shit, like I just your relationships really are the only thing that matters, fuck everything else.
Speaker 1:The next thing is I really wanted to have a baby. Like, really, I realised this year that you know, having a family, I always envisioned myself, you know, being a part of a family, but the mother archetype being pregnant, yeah, like it just was something I could never really picture, sort of growing up, and I was like I guess I'll have a family and that was probably just like. You know, like I didn't imagine myself at 50 just like vibing on my own. What's interesting is like I want a baby, but like I can envision myself just vibing with Dan and I and like us travelling and just like doing whatever we want. You know if that doesn't happen for us, but it's cool to know that it's something that I really want, but not something that I need, and I don't know how many people feel like that about children.
Speaker 1:It's something I would love to do. It's something that I think I'd be really good at. The more I hang out with my nieces and my nephews now that you know, dan has nieces and nephews, so they're my nieces and nephews now, which is really cool the more I hang out with them, the more I think I'd be really fucking good at it and the more I realise that I think I'll have a good time doing it and the more I realise how patient I am and, yeah, I just think I'd be a fucking bomb ass mom. Like I just think I'd be really fucking good at it and I'd love to do it and I'd love to watch Dan be a dad and I just think we would make a really good parental team and I think that if we're going to bring more people into an overpopulated world, that isn't a super easy place to be. We've both kind of said, like, well, we want to make sure that we can raise a really good human that could add value to the world and leave the world better than they found it, and could we mentor and foster and teach a human being how to do that in whichever way they kind of choose. And the answer was yes and the answer was a fuck yes. I actually think we are really great people to be doing it and we think that our team together provides a really powerful yin and yang for a child to be brought up with. And yeah, I really want to have a baby. I'm just like really pumped about it.
Speaker 1:I love the idea of having family and that's another big thing. As I said, like the only thing that matters is your relationships. The value that I have on family I'm realising is actually really really strong. I didn't realise how much I value family and loyalty is like a big thing for me. But again, my kind of perception of loyalty is kind of different, probably what you might be thinking, which that's a whole nother podcast but family and loyalty and like it's important for me to have those relationships. They are incredibly important to me and the way that I treat my family, I've realised is like pretty. It definitely reflects that that is an incredibly high value. Even other people who I know value family don't value it in the same way I do. Like I can just see through our behaviours and that's like no shade. Yeah, I only know like one other family in my life who values it in the same way that I do and my family does. And, yeah, I want to have a baby, really want to have a baby On.
Speaker 1:I guess, following on from that as well, I realized this year that I am marrying the best human on the planet. Like shout out to Mystic man Dan. We did that episode a couple of months ago. It's our engagement story and Q&A. So if you want to just straight out hear why first hand, I believe that Just go and listen to that episode and listen to the fucking thought and intention that this man put into proposing to me and you can just hear in his voice and the way that he.
Speaker 1:That was the biggest piece of feedback, because people were like he just sounds so fucking good. I'm like man is good to the bone, just the most beautiful human. Shout it out, in my opinion. And like he's just the best. He's just the best guy. Best was the best boyfriend. He's the best fiance. I know he's going to be the best husband, but he's also like the best son that I know, the best brother that I know, the best cousin that I know, the best friend that I know. Like the guy is fucking good and anyone who knows him and meets him is like you're so lucky that he's married. You are like I fucking know right.
Speaker 1:And then, last but not least, is my inherent value is not for sale. And this kind of goes hand in hand with understanding that I'm like marrying one of the best humans on the place on the face of the planet and I think, in seeing how good he is, I'm like I must be really good if he thinks I'm good. Like there's no like. Whenever I'm kind of down on myself, I'm like yeah, but Dan wants to marry me, so you're probably not as bad as what you think, babes. You're actually probably way better than what you think, because one like he has really high standards when he tells me about, like how he used to date. Like he has high fucking standards. I didn't know, I have high standards like that. Like this man was not letting people walk all over him. You know what I mean. Like he has really fucking high standards and yeah, I just think that, like you know, I just realized like my inherent value is just not fucking for sale and I think a lot of time it go.
Speaker 1:It's been throughout my whole life, like how I engage in partnerships, how I engage in work, how I engage with clients, how I engage with friends, like I'm always just like giving away, fucking over giving, and just like that's fine to be giving and loyal and show up for people and I love that about me. But sometimes I cross a line. It happens more so in my work, where I will, yeah, give away my inherent value for money and it's just not all like in exchange for something and it's just not for fucking sale. I talked about this in the simplicity files. I'm not going to bang on about it here. Go and read the simplicity files, watch the simplicity files. I'll make sure I put the link down in the show notes. I think if you just hit my link tree you can just like it's free.
Speaker 1:But if you're somebody who is like, who has their worth like wrapped up in their work, a lot, this in piece of like your inherent value not being for sale is so like poignant to being able to employ sustainable success and simplicity throughout your work, because simplicity and sustainability are very much interconnected. So if you're kind of struggling to simplify, if you're struggling to create sustainability in your business, inherent value is a really core part, and looking into that concept, which we do inside the simplicity files, is really really powerful and important. So go get that, read that, watch that links down the show notes in my link tree. It's free. So, yeah, I think, through seeing my relationship with him and also seeing, like the way that I was working and the way that I invested and the way that, like how I see the coaching industry and you know what, how I showed up through my depression and and every like, just everything that I've just mentioned like my inherent value is not for sale. I am not here to give you who I am and the value of my breath in order to make you happy, to make money, to get your attention to know it's in that. That is where, in unsustainability, like breeds from is when we are giving away our inherent value and it's so sneaky and now that I know this, it's like there's a bound. It's not even about boundaries like fuck the word boundaries. There's just a fucking line that I won't cross. There is just this like it's just like this truth of like no, this is just like not it, and I don't waver from it, and there's like, like I said, there's a strength in that. So that's our. We're like one hour in and we've literally gone through one part of this, but it's okay. So the next part, like I knew that was going to take up the most of it, because that was me basically telling you everything that went down in 2023. So now we're going to kind of get into a little bit more of like the nitty gritty and like the aspects personal, professional aspects of kind of all of this. So if I look back on 2023, he represents exiting.
Speaker 1:I quit a lot of shit this year. Basically, I went on the sabbatical. I quit work for two months and when I quit work, like I fucking quit Again in the club. I reported every single month on like what I was doing, how I was feeling, and then the simplicity files talk a lot about the findings of that sabbatical. But I quit work for two months. I closed down my business, I let go of my team. I did not reply to emails, I didn't check emails. I got off social media. I was out for two months and I'm not someone who exits or quits shit normally and I quit a lot of stuff this year and I exited a lot of stuff. The other thing is I exited masterminds, masterclasses, constantly making new programs. You know personally and like professionally, like I decided I'm not going into masterminds anymore. I'm not taking fucking free masterclasses anymore. I'm not making them anymore either.
Speaker 1:The reason I decided to do this is because, well, masterminds for me there's a couple of reasons. Masterminds, specifically for me, the way that they run currently in the coaching industry, I don't believe are actually helpful. I've been into masterminds before. I can't see here and like, bag them, like specifically, but it's just like I just don't know if the framework is actually working for the clients. I think it works more for the coach because, like, from a like time, energy and money perspective, it's a really great way to offer like a high level of coaching and so, therefore, get you know a high like, have it be a high ticket offer, but I don't know if you actually get the high level of coaching that you're actually paying for and it's not to say that what they're doing is wrong. It's just like the industry standard is not very high and I don't think it's like just not doing the fucking job, and so I feel like that format of programs needs to be innovated.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking of ways of doing this and really just like breaking the mold on what a mastermind is, and I don't know if we need to go like do away with that concept altogether or if we just need to give it a fucking rebrand. But it's not working. It's never worked for me and I don't think that's because, like, my inherent style is to do more one-on-one, like I think it's maybe a little bit of that. I'm not great in groups, but masterminds aren't really like that. Like it's more one-on-one in front of people, and so I'm like what's the value in that? Like I just don't love it. I closed down my mastermind purpose to paycheck. I got out of a mastermind that was just not like it. Just it was one of the decisions, like the financial decisions that bankrupted me, and so maybe there's a little bad taste in my mouth from that. But yeah, like I'm just not into it. I don't want to lead them. I don't want to like there are a lot of work. They just seem kind of messy sometimes, like it's just not a vibe.
Speaker 1:Masterclasses look, I was the masterclass queen. If you've been with me for a while, I used to do fucking free masterclasses all the fucking time. I think masterclasses are great. Like I've taken a couple like three day ones and you know, but I was doing a whole lot less of them and I really only do them like one person now who I feel like does them really well and like that's just like a great way that her gifts come through. But now she has a podcast and so I'm learning kind of more there, and so I feel like if she was to do a masterclass now, unless it was like a really low price point and like really specific for what I'm going through right in that moment, I probably wouldn't do it. But yeah, I more so exited doing them myself.
Speaker 1:I think the last time I did one was like longer than six months ago and again it just I think it's a really great way to market, like it was a great way to sell, but like it just felt. Sometimes it just feels like you're shouting to the abyss, you know, I just feel like it's kind of done and old and again like as customers. It's like we just I'm more into like three day workshops, mini courses, audio courses, like I just think there's more fun ways than doing like an hour long, two hour long masterclass, like on Zoom. It just feels done, it feels kind of dated and it's not fun for me to do and I think the trend is done. Yeah, so I exited that and yeah, constantly making new programs I launched. The last program I launched was in April, which is insane, insane and I mean obviously I did simplicity files, but that was just like a free, like learning experience. It was just like a series that I did.
Speaker 1:But programs specifically I did I can't even remember what it was called, but it was basically like a hypno journey and I was promoting it and promoting it and promoting it. I was in Melbourne, if you guys remember, when I was in Melbourne doing the shoot, the branding shoot, I did some podcast interviews down there and I was promoting, promoting, promoting. I was getting no fucking traction. I basically created it because I was like I need a cash injection. Look, I was like passionate about the idea, but I don't know, like I just like the passion for the idea sort of fizzled once I started promoting it. And sometimes that happens and usually it's because you're creating it from a place of like scarcity, need, desperation, like it's not from this, like creative wellspring it's, or in response to something you're seeing that you're really passionate in the world, like it was just not the vibe and then, like three days before it was supposed to close which technically in a launch like that's when everyone fucking signs up I just stopped talking about it. I was like I don't wanna do this. Like I just don't wanna even do this anymore. I'm not getting a lot of traction for it anyway, fuck it, nah, I'm not doing it. I think even if people would have signed up for it probably would have refunded them Like because I just was not into making these. Like six week cost is six week programs, like no dude, nah. So I exited and I'm not going to be making programs like that in the new year. Let me just say that more on that next week. Big decisions being made there that might be you might think are fucking insane.
Speaker 1:I also exited and quitted. Basically, exit is another word for quit, because it starts with a. So I exited my addiction to cigarettes. I stopped smoking cigs. I am smoking vapes Don't fucking come. For me it's not the fucking same. Okay, it really isn't. As someone who smoked cigarettes for 10 years, longer, almost 15 years the vape is child's play. I can put this thing down Like when people tell me they're addicted to vapes, I'm like, bro, you're not. Yes, there's nicotine, like I get it. And you're probably like, well, why don't you just fucking quit then? Because I don't want to and I love doing it and I love nicotine. But I am going to be quitting because I want to have a baby. But I'm doing it like the full medical way and I was happy to give myself a year on the vapes. That was fine for me and now it's time to get rid of that. So I'm excited to get rid of that next year.
Speaker 1:But I was really proud of myself that I did not get back on cigarettes, because for me cigarettes were more than just the nicotine. It was the feeling in my hand, it was being somebody who was a smoker. It was sort of the rebel without a cause, like coolness, that cigarettes represented to me. It felt like this way of me sort of showing the world that I didn't give a fuck and that I was strong and yeah, like people can say what they want about that, but that's how I felt about it, and so for me it felt like I was giving up a part of my identity. Also, as someone who hasn't drank for 10 years, that was my thing. That sort of kept me cool and kept me hip, kept me social and in sort of social circles. And, yeah, like some of my favorite memories of me sitting up late at night smoking cigarettes and chatting with a friend and usually people do that with a glass of wine or whatever, and I didn't have that and so for me it was more sort of finding a way to still maintain that mystique about myself, but without the cancer sticks. You know what I mean. So vaping's been really great this year. I definitely do not feel anywhere near as addicted to it than I did. Cigarettes, yeah, like I forget about it sometimes, like it's weird.
Speaker 1:And then, last but not least, I exited doing everything myself. I it's funny, cause I let go of my whole team and so I'm doing all of the business myself. Now I contract out to a team every now and again for some admin stuff, but like 90% of the time it's just me. And yeah, the reason I say this is more so in the context of really doubling down on therapy and just thinking that I have all the answers. I've kind of like almost talked about this earlier in the episodes. I'm just gonna say it now and it's gonna come up later again anyway. But one thing I have not mentioned on socials anywhere and I might do an Instagram live, or maybe this is the only time you'll hear me talk about this, but what I mean by that is and stuck quitting doing everything myself is I started taking medication for my anxiety and depression and maybe PTSD.
Speaker 1:I am a proud lexaprotaker and, as somebody who resisted medication for 10 years, I feel so good, oh my God, and I'm on like fuck all, like I'm on like five fucking milligrams and I feel amazing. I feel amazing. I think next week we'll have been on it for six weeks and that's surely when you can kind of be like okay, this is how you're gonna feel on it. And every day, even in the last like week, I've just started to feel even better and better and better and I'm the anxiety sort of subsided quite quickly. Like I wanna say, in the first two weeks I haven't had an episode since I started. Well, I had mini episodes, but I haven't had an episode in two weeks at all, not even a mini episode.
Speaker 1:I have started to feel more creative and more motivated, like I've been bored for the first time in like 18 months. Yeah, I'm feeling like I'm feeling alive again, bro. I feel like my brain like gives a fuck. Like I don't know how to explain it. It's not that I wish I took it earlier, because I don't think I needed it any earlier. You know, years ago, when I was dealing with anxiety and all that, but with the depression, bro, like I fucking need this shit, like it's great. And you know, my goal is to come off it. But I'm also like fuck man, if I have to be on this forever, I don't give a fuck. Like I'm fine, like if this means that I'm gonna be good, like it's cool, it's the best thing I've ever fucking done. Honestly, it's the best fucking thing I've ever done, and I could get emotional about it. And so I'm not saying that you should take medication if you don't want to. I didn't for fucking 15 years I didn't. But, dude, it's great. If you're thinking about it, look into it. Love it for me. Love it for me. Okay, so that's everything that I exited. So now on to C. I'm gonna blast through this pretty quickly.
Speaker 1:What did I create? I created a lot this year and that's what felt the most exciting to me. C is for like create creativity. 2023 was a year where I really analyzed artistry and what it means to like be a creative person, and you know, this first came through on my trip to Melbourne which, by the way sorry, I need a little vape break, we've been doing this for a while when I went to Melbourne and I talked about this, I think, inside the club. I talked about it a little bit on the free podcast as well, but this artistry sort of element really came alive in me. I think Melbourne does that. If you've ever been there. It's a very creative artistic place and when I was there I just felt I got that sort of same feeling that I get when I'm in New York. Like I just felt really alive and I met some really cool creative people and I went to a really amazing gig and my friend that I stayed with she's a creative as well and I just like made contact with that part of me again as a musician who over the last couple of years, has kind of struggled with my relationship to creativity in that traditionally artist way, and I've always seen astrology as an art and even business as an art.
Speaker 1:There's so many through lines that I see between entrepreneurship and artistry and that's something I wanna have an idea about Diving into that concept, because I think it's really interesting and I wanna like, yeah, I have an idea about that. But creativity is something that really kind of came back online and it was kind of this like North star, but like this sort of very dull light at the end of the tunnel that I was concentrating on. That was such a speck during the darkness of this year, but a speck of light nonetheless, and I just felt like by focusing on that I was able to really move forward. And that first kind of came through when I was in Melbourne and it's come through the content that I'm creating in the club and where I wanna take the club next year, which again we'll talk about next week. I just felt like I really came home to creativity and especially over the last two months of really healing and getting into therapy and taking the meds and getting this motivation back, the artist within me, and remembering it, that at the end of the day, what excited me about business, what excited me about working for myself, what excited me about entrepreneurship, is the same thing that excited me about being an artist and being a songwriter and getting in the studio and wanting to be independent. An independent artist, like it's the creativity and I just wanna be fucking creative and that's who I am. That's who I've always been, since I was born. I am a born creative and so bringing artistry into entrepreneurship I mean a podcast is like the perfect fucking way to do it and I feel like I've melted both of my wells by. I love the podcast so much and, while it's like the focus of everything that I do, like I just came home to my creative, like inner world.
Speaker 1:I'm reading this book at the moment, called the House that Joy Was Built On or something like that. I can't remember exactly what its name is. It's by Holly Ringard, I think is her name. My mother in law, or Susan. My mother in law bought it for me for Christmas. I just started reading it. She talks about how creativity is this inner country. That is like never ever land in Peter Pan, and like our directions to never land are so unique and specific and yet elusive at the same time. In Peter Pan it talks about what is it like, third star, on the left, and all the way, and then straight into a morning, like it's so specific but it's so elusive at the same time, like what does that even mean? And so I feel that so deeply that creativity has just been this magnet that I've been feeling the pull and that's what sort of pulled me along and I feel more creative now than I have in a long time and I wanna write music again and I wanna paint and I wanna write. That's the other thing too. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. We're gonna talk about this next week, but there's so much that's coming through me. Things that I had written off, that I no longer was or never could be as an artist, as a creative, are just not true anymore. I'm having this pull to just fully dive into creativity in the way that I have, in the way that I'd mastered in the past, in the way that I never thought I could. It's just it's really exciting to me and I'm really excited to make it a core of the year ahead.
Speaker 1:A A is for alchemy, so 2023, I really alchemy. It was such a slow and painful process of turning pain into power. And what I really wanted to say with this point is your girl had her satin return this year and I've been waiting to drop this bomb of. You're probably like, fuck, babe, you've had a hard, sounds intense, and I would say, yeah, yes, and my satin fucking return happened. Okay, it's happening. So when retrograde my satin's at zero degrees Pisces, it's a hard fucking placement as it is, and then the return has just been hectic. It's been fucking hectic, but the gold in your satin return, the lessons, the feedback that you get during your satin return through the trials and tribulations, and the lessons that you don't pass I'm starting now to see the gold, to see the power in it, to understand it all you know. It's starting to really sink in and the work is starting to work and that feels really exciting, like I'm excited and proud to be able to sit here at the end of 2023 and go. I'm getting better.
Speaker 1:The analogy that I said to my psych the other day was, literally this is the first time in a while that I've felt like my head is above water, and for a really long time I felt like you know, when you're diving under the waves and you're under that wave and like it's pretty hectic and it's like a big wave and you kind of get tossed around a little bit and it's like goes for that little bit too long and you're like there's a moment where you're like fuck, am I gonna drown. I've been in that phase and in that fright and in that pain of like fuck, am I lungs gonna give out for like 18 months and I just got smashed around. And there's this worship song and if you listen I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast or anything, but I listened to a lot of the gospel cause, like I swear, like those, those people that love Jesus, like they Just they're really rejoiced, like they're just so joyful and I find I found that when I was really in the depths of my depression that it wasn't necessarily like looking to Jesus, oh God, or whatever, but gospel music was really powerful because that just it's very hopeful music and it just reminded me of my connection to God universe. That you know, it's been really potent, powerful and again, I talked about that in the sympathy files to faith. And there's this worship song by this guy called much more. It's like really cool indie worship stuff and he has this breakdown in this song called underwater, and the breakdown is underwater, not watered-down. Truth is anchored to the ground. Holy Father, hold me now as the waves come crashing. And I remember when I would listen to that song I would cry, and we, because I just felt Like I was in that.
Speaker 1:I was in the fucking crashing wave getting thrashed around. And you know, now, only in the last couple of weeks, do I feel like I'm still in the water. I'm. I want to make it very fucking clear I am still out at fucking sea, but I can my heads above water, I'm breathing, I'm not choking, I'm alive. I'm treading water, I have energy, I can see land or the sea, the boat, and I know what I got to do to get to safety, and that's it. I'm not on the fucking land, I'm nowhere near the land or the safety, but I am treading water, I got energy, I'm good, I know what I've got to do to get there. You know, that means I'm probably gonna have to paddle really hard and then float for a bit, and then paddle really hard and float for a bit, like I know what I've got to do to get there, and and that is. It's so Like there's a relief Because I've just felt so overcome by failure and depression and Anger and sadness and so much. It's just been so bad. It's been so bad and not knowing if I'm Gonna be able to get out of it. And now, like I know I can and that just feels so good.
Speaker 1:And I think the most beautiful thing out of all of this that kind of falls under this alchemy thing is, you know, my obsession with success that I've always had. That was so apart of what was keeping me sick and burnt out and Living half a life you know, with through my addiction to work, was has now been Alchemized into my obsession with sustainable success. That's what was born this year. I'm obsessed, guys now obsessed. You know it's everything that we talk about here and we're about to like triple, double, quadruple down on that next year. Like the esoteric entrepreneur equals sustainable success, like that's what we're talking about and I know that like that's what we have been talking about and you know that's not new. But really bringing that to the forefront of the brand is something that I'm excited to do and Again, we'll talk about that next week.
Speaker 1:But because of this alchemization process, my obsession with success has not like Was not for nothing. Now it's been turned in and alchemized into this obsession with sustainable success and that feels so exciting to me and it feels so helpful and it feels so Life-giving not to myself but to everybody else and it feels like that impact can be massive and change industries and change the world, and I know so many of you guys Want to find more sustainable ways to Garner success, sustain success. You know, build success, create success, scale success. Like you know, you want to do it long term and my obsession now With the sustainability of it is only because of the pain that I went through.
Speaker 1:And, last but not least, p P is for pride and I'm just gonna list out the things that I'm incredibly proud of, because the only thing I can walk I Can't walk away with 20 from 2023 with much I'm pretty bare bones. You know no team, a Pretty bare bank account, you know it's. I feel like my business, my finances, my Life has been stripped to its bare bones and it's not to say I have nothing because I have so much, but I'm really kind of in a ground zero and I am so proud Because I could have been still at Minus, minus, minus, minus, you know below. So I'm so proud I'm really walking away. I just in awe of the healing that I've done and the clarity that I've been able to Create. I feel so self assured I'm. It doesn't mean that I'm not scared, but like I'm not that scared because I'm like so sure in a way that like Feels really integrated and like I thought about everything and like I feel really informed in all these decisions I'm gonna share with you about the changes that I'm making in my life and in my business and my career and Personally, like what I'm valuing, like everything just feels so right and authentic and true and I'm so proud that I fuck it. I cannot believe that even I'm in this, where I am now. I can't believe I even have clarity. Never thought I'd even had clarity, just really thought I just would be in this mess or not feel the level of clarity that I have now. And so here's what I'm proud of. I'm proud of getting on meds and going back to therapy. I'm proud of how I've stayed present through all of the pain.
Speaker 1:I I'm proud of the friends that I made in real life. That's one thing that didn't really mention, but as somebody who has really struggled with friendships. This year, like this, like this year has been so, I think because I felt like I had nothing to lose, like I wasn't this, like I was going through shit. I was like going through some really tough shit and I was not like the greatest version of myself, and so Putting myself out there kind of felt like I had nothing to lose. It kind of worked in this like reverse way with me and I ended up making some incredible friends this year that I'm so excited to grow the friendship with, and so I'm really proud of myself that, for whatever reason, I Was able to put myself out there and in a place that used to really scare me, was really worried, I think, because I knew that I was performing Now wasn't really as like I knew I had a lot of shit going on and so I wondered that in friendship, like if that would be found out, and so because I just was so honest with myself, finally I felt like now I, yeah, I could make these authentic friendships. So it worked.
Speaker 1:I I am really proud of the commitment that I've made with the huge decisions to change a lot in the next year and I think you know. Last but not least, I am so proud To be marrying my best friend next year. Like that was by far the best thing that happened to me. The only truly good thing, amazing thing that happened to me was getting engaged and starting this journey and I think that's what also made this year kind of even more sad is because I had this amazing thing happen to me and and yet I was like the saddest and the the most depressed that I'd ever been, and so it felt like I was kind of being robbed of this, like beautiful time, and it's like why? Why did everything have to just like fall to shit? But I think now I can look back and be like that was the year where, like that was the only thing that Went well, and I can say it with a smile on my face because I Cannot wait to marry the absolute shit out of him. Absolute shit out of him.
Speaker 1:Okay, with that said, make sure you subscribe to the pod, because next week's episode you're gonna hear about all the shit that I'm gonna change and do and Be and the forecast for 2023. Sorry, 2024, if you've been wanting to work with me. It's gonna be a great episode to listen to because I'm gonna share all the things that I'm gonna be doing and putting out and not doing and all that sort of stuff. If you Just like all the personal stuff too and you want to kind of know how I'm gonna be, like how I'm Approaching the back end of my business and my personal life and you know, wanting to have a baby and like all that sort of stuff, like the things that I'm doing, like if that's exciting to you to hear and you like hearing that stuff, then you know I'm gonna share all that too. Or if you're just a nose little bitch and you want to know what's going on, what's gonna happen, then it's gonna be a Great one for you too. And I look I'm a nosy bitch as well.
Speaker 1:Like I love this, listening to episodes like this and like the episodes I'm gonna be putting out, because it gives me ideas about what I want to do and how I want to move. And, yeah, I think it's cool to kind of like hear how what other people are doing, because it can be really Helpful to help you decide. And and that's one again, I kind of want to land on this and end on this is like that's why I Wanted to record this too, because I've been listening to a lot of content like that and I've been finding that if I can sit in more of a witnessing position and kind of listen from this place of like, hmm, does that ring true for me? Does that? You know, if I kind of run their story through my personal algorithm and Filter of what works for me and what I believe you know, what's left is some stuff that I maybe would have never thought of or, you know, we're kind of in the back of my mind or I didn't have words for I didn't couldn't quite pinpoint, and that's why I think, you know, doing episodes like this are actually really, really powerful. So I want to do more recap episodes in the future.
Speaker 1:I Said it a million times, we'll talk about that next week. So subscribe to the podcast if you enjoy it and Share it. If you've liked this episode, dm me. I'd love to hear from you. If this has resonated with you, let me know. And and as always, this is the esoteric entrepreneur podcast. I'm your host, jazz boy.