What About Love? From Passionate Eros, Family Bonds, Brotherly Love and the Sacrificial Love of Agape. Learn How to Build and Maintain the Love in Your Marriage. Ep 274

Embark with Linda and me on an intimate exploration of the complex tapestry of love, from its passionate beginnings to the profound connections we cherish in friendships and family. We're unwrapping the mystery of love's many forms, starting with a look at 'Eros' - the romantic, fiery love that often gets our hearts racing. But we won't stop there; we're threading through the realms of 'Phileo' and 'Storge', illuminating the bonds that fortify friendships and family ties. Together, we'll navigate the emotional landscapes that profoundly influence our daily lives and relationships, shedding light on the true essence of love.

Discover the secrets to expressing love in ways that resonate deeply, as we discuss the five love languages that help us connect with others. From the joy of a thoughtfully picked gift to the undivided attention of quality time, we reveal the nuances of each love language through personal stories and reflections. Physical touch, too, is celebrated for its power to bond us beyond words. Our dialogue encompasses the evolution of love languages within our own lives, encouraging you to consider how your past informs your expressions of love and how you can adapt to grow closer to the ones you love.

Celebrating Gotcha Day, an occasion dear to our hearts, we share the warmth of expanding our family through adoption and the lessons it taught us about the deeper meanings of love. We don't just stop at storytelling; we provide you with seven actionable tips for nurturing a strong and loving marriage. From the power of the vows  to the necessity of open communication, these pillars stand as a guide for couples at any stage, aiming to fortify the foundations of a thriving marriage. Tune in for a practical and heartfelt  discussion on how to cultivate love in its most sincere and impactful form.

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Transcript

Linda: 0:09

Rock solid families would like to thank Hoosier Ice House for being a proud sponsor of the Rock Solid Families podcast. In the heart of historic Lawrenceburg, Indiana, the Ice House is at the corner of Vine and High Streets. The historic building evokes a feeling of comfort, with spacious indoor and outdoor dining, a large bar and comfortable dining areas. Much enough to host parties, yet intimate enough to feel like your favorite neighborhood restaurant. So thank you again for the Hoosier Ice House for sponsoring the Rock Solid Families podcast. Welcome to the Rock Solid Families podcast. I am Linda Hutchinson here with my husband and partner in life Love what is that you still love me.

Merrill: 1:01

How attractive is that? Huh, Considering they're readers, I can't even see you.

Linda: 1:07

That is so funny. It reminds me of our little game we played today with our junior hires. We were talking about the subject of love. What about love, which is, by the way. Do you know who sang the song? What About Love?

Merrill: 1:20

I remember the song what About.

Linda: 1:22

Love, you're not going to sing for us are you?

Merrill: 1:26

I was a girl band, was it Heart?

Linda: 1:29

Heart Very good. Is that a girl band?

Merrill: 1:31

Yeah, pretty much yeah. Yeah so anyway, Not back in my day though.

Linda: 1:35

That's where the title came from. See, there are some people that that was before they were even born, so they have no idea what you're talking about now. But anyway, that's our topic today, about love and just how the world, our world today, has changed that meaning so much and how God intended it to be meant and used.

Merrill: 1:53

And so you were.

Linda: 1:54

You were cute today talking about, by the way to junior high.

Merrill: 1:57

Oh my goodness, linda gives me the topic like hey, we're going to cover the topic of love.

Linda: 2:01

You want to talk to the?

Merrill: 2:02

junior high kids, boys and girls about love. And of course it wasn't going to be love. It was going to be one of the forms of love that we're going to talk about today, called Eros, which is a romantic part. And as soon as I said like, all of a sudden the boys are clueless or like, and the girls are like, look at each other going, I'm going.

Linda: 2:22

Linda, I'm so funny because you're talking about lust and pornography and just you know how God did not intend that to be the way we use Eros and the girls are like gross. You know it's so funny but anyway, that's what we're talking about today. We'll get into that, but before we want to do, we want to thank our sponsors.

Merrill: 2:41

Yeah, let's thank Maxwell Construction, casey's Outdoor Solutions and who's your Ice House?

Merrill: 2:47

So, who's your Ice House has just come alongside of us here recently, so we want to thank all three of our sponsors. Now to the Rock Solid Family Podcast. Again, we also want to thank all of you that are out there listening and supporting the shows and also just the work that we're doing Now. We got a really big event coming up here later in, or actually in March, so I don't know when you're going to be listening to this, but this in March we have our first annual fundraiser banquet.

Linda: 3:15

Yeah.

Merrill: 3:16

That's going to be a big deal, and our sponsors are a big part of that.

Linda: 3:20

Yes, and so on March 7th, at Higher Ground Conference and Retreat Center, we are hosting our first Rock Solid Family's partnership banquet, and so, if you're interested in being a part of what we're doing here and partnering with us, man, it's going to be a night of celebration, it's going to be a night of inspiration and it really challenges well, and so we would love for you to have us. We're going to do some testimonies and just really share the vision and mission and what God's been doing over the past five years and what we think he's in store for us.

Merrill: 3:50

I got to take a glimpse of the first couple of videos.

Linda: 3:53

Man, they're powerful.

Merrill: 3:55

My eyes may have sweat a little bit. Oh, my goodness, I was too yeah.

Linda: 4:00

But anyway. So we're going to get in today about what is love and how God intended it to be love, and we are going to talk about eros, which you know. That word in Greek means passionate love. Okay, Romantic love, think of erotic Sexual love Right, and that's how a lot of people think of it, especially our junior high kids are squirming because they're like, ooh gross.

Merrill: 4:20

Let's not talk about sex. I hope he doesn't talk about kissing.

Linda: 4:23

But you know, it's based on that emotion, that physical attraction, right, that fleshly desire that we have, and God gave us those desires. He wants us to have those desires, but he wants us to do it in the right way.

Merrill: 4:36

Yeah, so we're not saying that's bad or anything. It's good, it has its purpose. It kind of starts the fire but, then you got to find ways to sustain the fire, and eros sort of love is not going to do that. The next type of love hunt that is referred to. These are all in the Greek right, and so, as the English language just in many cases is simplified and we use love for multiple ways, we even love pizza, which is really weird, I love my wife and I love pizza.

Linda: 5:01

Yeah, yeah.

Merrill: 5:04

So, but another Greek word is phileo, and like Philadelphia, right, and it's brotherly love, or sometimes thought of as like friendship. Okay, Phileo. Yeah, and so did I say that wrong, phileo. And so you know this is just your friend, right? This is the person you enjoy hanging around, you have common interests, and so you love that person in that way. You love them like a brother, and so that's another form.

Linda: 5:31

Yeah. Then we have store gay, which is family love. So that's how I love my children and my grandchildren, that's that deep family love. Okay, that we have a mother for a child, and some people would say it's even instinctive, where, like the minute that baby's born, you're like, oh gosh. I just I want to protect it, I love it, and so that's store gay.

Merrill: 5:55

Yeah, and then the final one we're going to talk about today is really the one that is most strongly referenced to when we're talking about living the way of Christ, and this is the agape love. When it says you know, the greatest commandments of these is love. Right, this is the type of love we're referencing here. It's agape love and this is that unconditional, sacrificial service. Okay, it doesn't mean we like somebody, it doesn't mean you're in love with them in an emotional, romantic way. It means you're going to die for that person, you're going to serve that person, you're going to put that person's needs ahead of yours. And so we think, well, I'm called to love that person. I don't even like that person. Well, that's because you're confusing the types of loves, because our English language simplifies it, oversimplifies it. Yeah.

Linda: 6:46

When the Bible says to love your enemies, people are like ooh no.

Merrill: 6:50

I can't.

Linda: 6:51

Well, if you can agape them, god wants you to agape them, and that's a sacrificial love, it's a selfless love. It's not a you know stand me in the back, your doormat love. It's the love that Christ has for us, that he has showed and demonstrated for us, and we bring that up and we kind of rush through the other ones, because this is where God wants to get us, that's where Christ came to show us how to agape, and that's why, hun, it's so funny.

Linda: 7:20

The first time I really heard that word is when I was on a walk to Emmaus, which some of our listeners may have done this, which is a it's more of an ecumenical, non-denominational retreat, and there is a whole team of people All they are there for is to love on us.

Merrill: 7:39

They're their agape team.

Linda: 7:40

They're a agape team and it's so crazy because I was like what's agape, why are? And it's because they just loved on us. They carried our bags, they left us things on our pillow, they just took care of things for us.

Merrill: 7:52

They just served, they served, yeah. So, guys, those are the kind of the four loves, but as we are dropping this show, it is the week of Valentine's.

Linda: 8:02

Day.

Merrill: 8:03

So we more specifically wanted to narrow this down into the love within your marriage, the love with your partner, and so, talking about that, and how do we recognize it? And then how do we build it up, how do we maintain it? I also hun, I think we should probably mention right away. People go well, how do you love? They think of Gary Chapman's work of the five love languages.

Linda: 8:30

Yeah, yeah.

Merrill: 8:32

And so I think which we recently I told you, I'm like you know, there's actually no scientific proof that these are actual languages in action, but I do think in your gut you go yeah, this makes sense. So it's not that this is not real, it's just that Gary Chapman just brought to light in his working with couples how he sees people show affection and love towards each other.

Linda: 8:55

So you want to run through them real fast, yeah, and so I had a client just today brought those up and he was actually going to go see Gary Chapman in person and listen to him.

Merrill: 9:04

And he's still talking yeah. Wow, he's still alive, dr Gary.

Linda: 9:07

Chapman, and so, yeah, he wrote many books. One of them was the five love languages, and so we've talked about this many times on different shows. But again you kind of looked at it like hun, it's like your preference, right, like this is how you feel love and receive love the easiest Not saying it has to be just this or that, the person that your spouse is awful if they don't do this.

Linda: 9:35

Well, but this is how you prefer to be loved, and one of them is words, words of affirmation. So this is the folks who love when you say I love you, or they love those texts in the middle of the day, or they love those emails or cards that you send. They want to hear it from you.

Merrill: 9:56

You sing their praises, you give them pats on the back.

Linda: 9:58

Affirmation. You look beautiful today, right Gosh, I missed you today, and so those words mean something to somebody who's really. Their preference is words of affirmation.

Merrill: 10:11

The second one is this would hun would be one of yours that you would Prefer would be acts of service, right? We talked about this and that's just people Taking time out of their day to do something for you, that that you could stand to have done, whether it's helping out around the house or running an errand or just Taking a load off of you, right? And so you're thinking about you and we do a service for you.

Linda: 10:37

Yeah, acts of service. Yeah, acts of service is my love language and and I didn't really realize that until you know you bought me a gift one time and I thought it was a gold watch.

Merrill: 10:47

You didn't care for it, you didn't like it, which, by the way, that's number three is gifts right.

Linda: 10:51

You know, gifts of appreciation like you were trying to show me like hey, I appreciate you. Actually I think it was my birthday. But I would have rather, I would have rather probably had you mop the floor and empty the dishwasher.

Merrill: 11:01

You could have saved me a lot of money.

Linda: 11:03

You told me I'm in advance, but you know, the Bible says Jesus says he came to not be served but to serve, and so Jesus Modeled these ways of showing love and, like I said, the agape team did things for us right. So acts of service is Some ways that people love to be loved.

Merrill: 11:20

Yeah. And then the third is gifts. Right, and so gifts aren't good or bad, they're just are in terms of how some people really enjoy that you've thought of them and you bought them some special gift, something that made, made you think of them, or something, or vice versa, that you know they would think of you when they had this gift. And so we always think of your grandma. With gifts, you could not walk in grandma's house without her giving you and and you know this was so Unappreciative on I'll say my part I can't speak for anybody else that I would see a three dollar box of cookies or something and I'd be like really, and but she just I couldn't wait because, she would know it was one of your favorite types of cookies.

Linda: 12:04

Yes, she, she would. She would make a mental note that you said one time that you love these devil's food cookies and all.

Merrill: 12:10

Sorry, I ever said she would give them to you snack?

Linda: 12:13

Well, devil's food cookies all the time. But but again, that doesn't make you a materialistic person right. This means just like words, just like acts of service, like you feel loved. When someone would wrap something, she would wrap up chapstick and give it to people because she just wanted to have something for you to show I love you. So gifts are another way the people love.

Merrill: 12:33

Yeah, the fourth one is just quality time, and and you know that quality time is the idea that you're not, you're not busy doing something and, in addition to all, includes you also. So you're not cleaning the house and talking to your husband or something, or you, you know you, you're focused on them. It's not like, well, I'm home from work and the kids are out playing in the front yard, but you're down in your workshop working, which I've been very guilty of, right, this quality time is big with the parenting. Like just spend some good time with your kids, versus I could be home frequently and kids get out of my hair. You go, do your thing, I'm gonna do my thing. Well, if your kids like I just want to be around you, that's that thing. I just want to be around you.

Linda: 13:17

Yeah, this is one of your love languages where you believe that you know, like if I loved you, I would stop what I'm doing, which women have a hard time doing. We multitask all the time to stop what I was doing, to sit and spend time with you, to make you feel Valued and appreciated right and not overly.

Merrill: 13:35

But but a connectedness, like one of those things like If I'm gonna sit and talk with you and you're busy doing something that like, well, why even bother?

Linda: 13:43

guilty.

Merrill: 13:45

And the last one is physical touch, and this could be sex or not be sex. It frequently is not sexes, right? It's just the idea that you might put your arm around your spouse, you may hold their hand, you may just be in close proximity, just that idea that you there's a connectedness to the two of you.

Linda: 14:05

Okay, and so that's the physical touch, and I will say that a lot of these have to do with how you were raised. If you were raised in a home where there were hugs and there were kisses and there was, you know, touch, physical touch, or there was words of affirmation where you said I loved you on a regular basis, that's really a lot easier to receive and give. And if you came from a very Disconnected family where you really didn't show, love very much.

Linda: 14:32

It's really hard, awkward you know, I'm not saying it can't be done. I remember you and our family. You were the first one that really like hugged people when they came and went because your family did that and and, and all of a sudden my family started to get comfortable with that. But that wasn't what we used to do. Yeah, but you kind of trained us.

Merrill: 14:51

Now your dad's a big ol hugger now.

Linda: 14:52

Yeah, yeah, yeah a.

Merrill: 14:55

Disclaimer guys, I this was the problem I had with the love languages, and you said this at the beginning there and this is what I would take offensively you said and this is your love language, and I would always say no, like I'm not single, to one love language, right, and so that's like, just because you might have a preference in one, if your spouse does one of the others, you don't go. Well, you didn't quite hit the nail on the head.

Linda: 15:22

Right, you're starving me.

Merrill: 15:23

you're starving me, right and so, yeah, like quality times, important words of affirmation. I love when you brag on something that I do right, or physical touch, you know can't throw that one out right. So the whole idea of locking down on one is not fair to the whole loving your spouse process. So be careful not to say well, that my spouse doesn't do it exactly, right.

Linda: 15:49

And so, really, what we've given you is five different ways to agape the people around you, whether it be speaking those words, whether it be doing something and serving someone, whether it be spending time with, like you said, a child. Just sometimes you don't have to go out and buy them the latest gaming system. It's really just you know, and we've seen that lately, especially in the holidays, we will have parents that say grandma and grandpa, please do not buy my children any more junk, Don't buy them any more toys. How about experiences? How about taking them to paint pottery or go to a trampoline park or to the movies or something where you spend time with them instead of more stuff? What they're saying is gifts aren't that big of a deal, but experiences and quality time are. So those are just five different ways to love on people around you.

Merrill: 16:43

Yeah, I can't help but to go down that road a little bit with you. As you said that, because you said earlier that a lot of times, love languages are developed through the environment or your upbringing, and we saw that specifically. And, like, if you constantly buy your kids a gift and you say, I buy you this gift because this is the way I show I love you, your kid starts to expect that, oh, this is how this works, right, and other forms of showing and demonstrating love fall short. And so be careful, right? Like, don't train your kids up in a way that maybe is not gonna be fortified down the road.

Linda: 17:20

So I can't help but kind of use this moment just to celebrate today while we're recording. This is our gotcha day which is the day. Officially, we were blessed with three more children.

Merrill: 17:33

The official adoption day.

Linda: 17:35

Adoption day and so, even though they were in our home over a year before that, this was the day, and so our daughter especially not so much the boys, but the daughter especially she wants to celebrate that.

Linda: 17:48

She brings it up and it catches me off guard, that doesn't say much about me as a person but she's like, hey, gotcha day's coming up in two weeks, but it's a special remembrance for her that this was the day I joined the family and became part of our family, and I remember that early on. She was only 10 at the time but she thought that meant a lot of gifts, a lot of stuff.

Linda: 18:11

And so we had to try to help her understand. And it's not that we're not going to give you gifts, but we're going to make sure that you see that there's more to love than gifts, more than stuff. And so it has been those hugs.

Linda: 18:23

It has been that quality time. It has been those words of affirmation that you are beautiful and you are loved and you have value, and so we just try to do that. So we just want to celebrate and if you have love to give, maybe consider fostering or adopting. There's a lot of children out there who don't know what love is. They've not experienced it at home, and so whatever we can do to help, that we want to do.

Merrill: 18:49

Yeah, and let's drill this down and bring it right to our couples.

Merrill: 18:54

So, as we are talking about the idea of, well, how do we love? Or what about love? How do we love? Well, how can we do it better? How do we keep it alive? We wrote down seven points. So get your pen or pencil out, get your paper out, because we're going to give you a tip or a pointer on if you can start adding this or increasing this, or at least observing it, you can find yourself protecting your marriage and loving better. Number one is remember those vows you took, for better or worse, till death. Do us. Part Two shall become one. All of these. You got to remember your vows and we oftentimes run into couples that will so flippantly throw out the word divorce. They throw it out like well, you know what? You should just divorce, and that is a forgetting of the vow. The vow is that commitment. So, just from the very beginning, if you're married, you're like no, I'm going to go back to that commitment that I made. So that's number one.

Linda: 19:52

Number two is trust build, build trust. Trust matters and you just said it. If you're threatening to leave every time there's an argument, then that trust just erodes and that foundation just crumbles, and so trust matters. So continue to build and work on building that trust.

Merrill: 20:09

I got to add to that. It is the small stuff. It is as important as some of the big stuff, and so this is when actions and words don't match, and so when you say that you're going to do something, and you're always a little bit off in the moment, it's just a little bit.

Merrill: 20:28

But what it does is it erodes the trust bridge, and so you got to just be aware and you got to be able to say listen, I'm going to be more true to my word. So trust building is a big thing, always important, because trust breaking is where the marriage will fall.

Linda: 20:46

Yeah, so remembering your vows, building that trust. And the third one is practice forgiveness often and forgiveness is a command for your sake. Okay, people think we let the other person off the hook and actually forgiveness is, you know, everybody makes mistakes often and seek forgiveness readily, remembering God's forgiveness toward us. So that's important.

Merrill: 21:08

Let's go to number four, and number four is the idea of seeking God together. There's two things that come to my mind with this. One is the equally yoked right. Where we're both understanding our relationship relative to God and that God is the governor, the king and the ruler right, and we're going to abide by God's way.

Merrill: 21:28

And so if we're both abiding by God's way, we have a lot better chance of being aligned on a lot of other things, and so that's one idea of being equally yoked, seeking God together. But we have to mention the idea we've mentioned this in so many shows, but this would be an appropriate time. This means actually doing your prayer life together, sharing prayer, praying together, praying to God at the same time, when maybe you're holding hands and you're praying out loud that now you are inviting God in between the two of you, right, and so we've said a million and one times you know, couples that pray together have a less than one percent chance of divorcing, right, and that's research based.

Merrill: 22:11

That's research based, so seeking God together is a big deal.

Linda: 22:16

Yeah, number five is embrace empathy, and that is step into your partner's shoes, listen actively and seek and listen to understand one another, and that's where trust is really built. When I feel heard and understood and I feel like you, you get me and you understand where I'm coming from. Man, that builds trust and that just strengthens the love.

Merrill: 22:36

This is where I'm bad, when I'm too consumed with my own way right and so.

Merrill: 22:42

I come in and Linda's giving me an emotional outcry of something and I don't want to hear it at that time, right, Like I am like gosh and I dismiss it, right, and so the idea like I need to be able to back down and walk into their shoes for a little bit, and so that's a practice, guys. That's where we've talked many times about our 10 minute check ins, and so our 10 minute check ins are all about is my finger on the pulse, right and so, and that's empathy, that's just like. Well, I need to try to see what this looks like through your eyes.

Linda: 23:15

Yeah, number six is communicate openly and honestly. So share your needs, share your hurts, share your joys authentically, even when it's uncomfortable. You know we use the 24 hour rule. If there's something that's bothering you or eating you up, please don't just stuff it and build it and build it and build it until it blows Like you want to. You know. Honest dialogue with faster connection and growth, and also quick to forgive and to reconcile.

Merrill: 23:41

I got to confess again. Right, this is, I'm an avoider right, and so I will like oh, do I really want to go down this road?

Linda: 23:49

Am.

Merrill: 23:50

I really ready to open this up, and so my nature is to avoid the conflict, and so that doesn't mean the conflict goes away, it just means that I store it back in the back of my head, and so the idea here is one of my practices is to be have the courage and have the energy to step in and go. I don't know how to talk about this right now, but can we talk about this right now, okay? So, being honest and communicating.

Linda: 24:14

Last one is number seven. Invest in growth. So be intentional about building your marriage. It's not going to happen just haphazardly. So that means those daily check-ins you talked about, weekly date nights, you know common activities, a church home that you in praying together, you know all those things that intentionally build that relationship, because it's just not going to happen by chance.

Merrill: 24:37

Right right.

Merrill: 24:38

So guys those are seven points, right, seven points. Let me run through them real fast, because remember the vows, trust matters, practice forgiveness, seek God together, embrace empathy, communicate openly and honestly and invest in the growth of the marriage. So, guys, hopefully on this Valentine's Day week you will recognize again. So those of you who have been married for more than a year realize this is a choice of love, right, and it is a practice of keeping the love. It is a practice. So this is important for not just getting through the day, it's for this generation and generations to come. So think about what you're doing within your marriage.

Linda: 25:18

So you were talking to the junior high kids about how you know that little spark you know they may feel and you talked about. You know you can't just burn on toothpicks, it doesn't last very long, but we would say, put another log on the fire.

Merrill: 25:30

Yeah, oh, that sounds like a good country music. There you go.

Linda: 25:33

You need to keep, you know, feeding the fire, feeding that relationship, so it doesn't die out.

Merrill: 25:38

Yeah, all right guys. If there's any way that we can help you in your marriage, in your family, if there's any way, please reach out to us at rock solid familiesorg. Also, please call the office at 812-576-7625. That's rock Gosh hun. Is there anything else that they need to know about?

Linda: 25:56

Again. If you're interested in coming to our first ever partnership banquet on March 7th, we would love to have you just reach out again. The things that we just mentioned rock solid familiesorg and we would love to include you.

Merrill: 26:07

All right. So we want to thank our sponsors again Maxwell Construction, casey's Outdoor Solutions and Hoosier Ice House for sponsoring the Rock Solid Families podcast. So thanks again for listening to Rock Solid Families podcast. Building a Serenity Community, one Family at a Time, make it a great day. Rock Solid Families wants to thank Maxwell Construction for sponsoring the Rock Solid Families podcast.

Merrill: 26:50

For over 30 years, maxwell Construction has been a leader in turning dreams into realities building schools, banks, restaurants and many other commercial and public facilities. Maxwell Construction has made it their priority to not just build buildings but to build into their community. So if you have any construction needs, call them at 812-537-2200. Rock Solid Families wants to thank Casey's Outdoor Solutions for sponsoring the Rock Solid Families podcast. Casey's has grown to be one of the largest and most unique garden centers and gift shops in the Cincinnati Tri-State area. Whether you are looking to take on that next landscape project or simply add a little home decor to your house, casey's has you covered. Located at 21481 State Line Road, lawrenceburg, indiana, call them today at 812-537-3800. Let Casey's help you add beauty to your home.