We live in a culture of excess. We have more stuff now than ever. More clothes, more food, more comforts, and more parenting. Yes, even more parenting. In this age when our kids seem to have it all, they also have way more parenting hovering over them. As we have indulged our kids with stuff, we also have found ourselves indulging in way too many aspects of their lives. Total lack of parental involvement definitely is not a good thing in today's world. But, governing the details of their lives is also potentially harmful. What's going on? Do we not trust that our kids will ultimately make decisions that lead to their growth even if the decisions may cost them something? Are we trying to protect them from every little challenge or setback?
We have to ask ourselves, 'why do we feel the need to be so protective especially when our kids have more opportunity and options than most of us had as teens? Could the answer be FEAR. Are we afraid that we might look bad as parents if our kids struggle or even get into trouble? Are we handicapping them by providing in excess to the point that they have little to strive for? There is a reason that we have more young adults continuing to live at home rather than moving out on their own. There are fewer teens getting their drivers license when they are legally eligible. What's up with this?
The other side of this problem is the amount of fatigue we are feeling as parents. We are so busy managing what seems like every little detail of their lives that we are finding ourselves owning their problems and chasing our tails to figure out the problems. Merrill even coined a phrase called Parenting Fatigue Syndrome, PFS. Parents find themselves exhausted while the kids find themselves comfortably tucked away in the basement playing video games and entertaining themselves on social media.
It's time to serve our kids better. We must equip them to go out into the world. Resourcefulness, hard work, responsibility, and natural consequences are just the start to building the strength back into our teens and young adults. Placing firm boundaries on how much you will carry their load is a must. No reason to feel guilty when you see your kids sweating from the load they are carrying. Rather, be thankful that you are equipping them for something greater.
Check out this show and tell us what you think. What has worked for you and your family?
We live in a culture of excess. We have more stuff now than ever. More clothes, more food, more comforts, and more parenting. Yes, even more parenting. In this age when our kids seem to have it all, they also have way more parenting hovering over them. As we have indulged our kids with stuff, we also have found ourselves indulging in way too many aspects of their lives. Total lack of parental involvement definitely is not a good thing in today's world. But, governing the details of their lives is also potentially harmful. What's going on? Do we not trust that our kids will ultimately make decisions that lead to their growth even if the decisions may cost them something? Are we trying to protect them from every little challenge or setback?
We have to ask ourselves, 'why do we feel the need to be so protective especially when our kids have more opportunity and options than most of us had as teens? Could the answer be FEAR. Are we afraid that we might look bad as parents if our kids struggle or even get into trouble? Are we handicapping them by providing in excess to the point that they have little to strive for? There is a reason that we have more young adults continuing to live at home rather than moving out on their own. There are fewer teens getting their drivers license when they are legally eligible. What's up with this?
The other side of this problem is the amount of fatigue we are feeling as parents. We are so busy managing what seems like every little detail of their lives that we are finding ourselves owning their problems and chasing our tails to figure out the problems. Merrill even coined a phrase called Parenting Fatigue Syndrome, PFS. Parents find themselves exhausted while the kids find themselves comfortably tucked away in the basement playing video games and entertaining themselves on social media.
It's time to serve our kids better. We must equip them to go out into the world. Resourcefulness, hard work, responsibility, and natural consequences are just the start to building the strength back into our teens and young adults. Placing firm boundaries on how much you will carry their load is a must. No reason to feel guilty when you see your kids sweating from the load they are carrying. Rather, be thankful that you are equipping them for something greater.
Check out this show and tell us what you think. What has worked for you and your family?
Rock solid families would like to thank Hoosier Ice House for being a proud sponsor of the Rock Solid Families podcast. In the heart of historic Lawrenceburg, indiana, the ice house is at the corner of Vine and High Streets. The historic building evokes a feeling of comfort, with spacious indoor and outdoor dining, a large bar and comfortable dining areas. Not bad enough to host parties, yet intimate enough to feel like your favorite neighborhood restaurant. So thank you again for the Hoosier Ice House for sponsoring the Rock Solid Families podcast.
Speaker 2:
Welcome to the Rock Solid Family Podcast. This is Merle Hutchinson, and I'm here with my parenting partner, my PFS partner, linda Slenda. How are you, ms Linda? I'm ready, ready for what.
Speaker 1:
I'm ready for a vacation, oh.
Speaker 2:
Well, it is spring break as we're. It's the start of spring break as we are recording this.
Speaker 1:
It is.
Speaker 2:
So you might get your opportunity to have a little vacation.
Speaker 1:
Yes, yes, and my PFS is acting up again.
Speaker 2:
We better explain to people. It's not PMS, it's PFS.
Speaker 1:
Oh, my gosh. You coined this phrase and I'm telling you it is.
Speaker 2:
You've been using it a lot, spot on, spot on, spot on.
Speaker 1:
So parenting fatigue syndrome Do any of you out there as parents suffer from parenting fatigue syndrome.
Speaker 2:
Oh, it's kind of funny, we say it jokingly, but you know, sometimes, you know people wear us out and in particular the people we say we love wear us out and our kids can wear us out, and again it's nothing other than the need. You know that you're dealing with the needs of the kids and needs of the schedules, the moods and the attitudes and all these things in your your on. I guess your on stage all the time.
Speaker 1:
Maybe that's not the right phrase, but you're on the go. Well, and if you're just listening, maybe you don't know our background. But we have five kiddos ranging ages 33. He's gonna be 33 next week to 16. And so we have two left in the home. The other three are living independently. Two of them are married children. So you know it is, it has been.
Speaker 2:
Do you think it doesn't help that we are getting old?
Speaker 1:
Oh my gosh yeah.
Speaker 2:
Well, because you, you babysat our grandkids, several, I don't know, was it a month or so ago when the baby was born. Yeah, when the baby was born and you were just there for like a couple of days and you're like I'm exhausted.
Speaker 1:
It was good, it was really good, but you're right.
Speaker 2:
You kind of have, your energy starts to wane off a little bit, and so now you know we've got five kids in us and it's like you know we're about ready for those youngest ones to leave the nest.
Speaker 1:
But you know, and also it doesn't help in our world today that we're so digitally connected, so we kind of see what everyone's doing, and so we're gonna be talking about that today, about you know, you see everybody else and what they do for their child's first birthday or for their seniors graduation party, or the organic food that this mom is making for their toddler, or how much their daughter spending on their prom dress, or how you wrap the Christmas presents, or where you go on spring break, or how many trophies or how many scholarships your kids have gotten, and so the list goes on and on and it's exhausting when you really are kind of kind of overwhelmed by the exposure of what you can see and learn and do and give, and it's just a lot.
Speaker 2:
I think that's even so. You're talking, you know, like what we see from other parents and what they're doing and so yeah, so you see, the bar seems to be rising to a higher level. But on top of that, like specifically to our teenagers and probably even younger than teenagers, probably early middle schoolers because of the digital age, our kids on a regular basis they see stuff that comes across the computer or their phones and they go. I want that.
Speaker 1:
I want that, I want that and so has that I want that, yeah.
Speaker 2:
And so now I mean the whole comparison model which we're going to talk about is been set up on steroids. Compared to what it was at one time it used to be you compared with your small group that you saw in the neighborhood or out of school. Right and, but now I mean the neighborhood now just went international, Exactly.
Speaker 1:
So that's what we're talking about today. Yeah, that's a big deal. It's excessive parenting. What's behind it all? And then when is it too much Like? What do we do about that? So that's what we're going to talk about today, but before we do, we want to thank our sponsors.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, let's thank Maxwell Construction, Casey's Outdoor Solutions and the who's your Ice House for sponsoring the Rock Solid Families podcast. So if you are in business or planning to do anything with those folks, please tell them. Thanks for being sponsors of what we get to do here at Rock Solid Families.
Speaker 1:
We also want to let you know that the Families Rock Parenting class is coming up on March 30th. We try to do it on the last Saturday of every month, and so we will be at the Lawrenceburg Firehouse in Lawrenceburg, indiana, on March 30th from 8.30 to 12. All parents are welcome, and it's really a kind of unique class, huh, where it really is designed for that co-parenting situation. Or maybe you're working with your ex or a grandparent, or maybe you and your spouse are still married but you're not on the same page when it comes to the parenting, and maybe this show kind of reveals some of those differences that you have and your opinions on what you should do or shouldn't do.
Speaker 1:
So we would love for you to come to our next class on March 30th, saturday morning from 8.30 to 12 at the Lawrenceburg Firehouse. You can just show up. It is a $75 cost but it's a three-hour class. It's kind of like three coaching sessions of ours for the price of one. So we would love to have you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, all right, let's get to work, yes, okay. So, uh, you set it up a little bit earlier. We're just talking about the overall fatigue, everything from what we um do in excess for our kids, what we feel like we have to provide and do, cause if we don't do it, we're, we must not be great parents, or our kids might not feel like they're loved, um, and then, now that we've trained our kids to even buy into it more, that you know you give them a little, they want more, and so now they even are requesting and desiring more. So, uh, let's start and talk about, um, well, what are some things that we can do as parents to first recognize, oh, this, I'm falling into this and I'm feeling the fatigue of it, all right, and then what can we do about it? So what's the first thing, huh, and that we better be aware of.
Speaker 1:
And so it was the one we just talked about and that's the comparison trap. You know, let's face it, it's. It looks so easy, so good, so so much on the internet and social media and everyone else is doing it. I just talked to a client just the other day as I was preparing for the show, and she said you know, our parents didn't grow, have to compete with that.
Speaker 1:
You know, as parents, or the kids, you know us as kids didn't see what was out there didn't know all the options and what everyone else was doing for their birthday or for Christmas or vacation or spring break or all that stuff, and so parents today are swimming upstream in a culture that is all about immediate gratification and pleasing self and that, as parents, is hard to fight against for our own flesh and then the flesh of our children and their desires.
Speaker 2:
As we've said many time, we cannot blame our kids for this. We, as a parents. We are the ones who have set the stage, because we also desire this immediate gratification. So you know, before you get all upset with these kids of mine, you want to look in the mirror and go this parent of me. You know what am I doing? To advocate for something that's ultimately not being good to our home.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, keeping up with the Jones is is exhausting. Yeah, yeah, you play into it. It's not healthy for anybody.
Speaker 2:
And even if you, if you're neutral on it, you're actually playing into it, you actually have to take a stand against it. All right, if you're neutral, then it just means that the tide, as you talked about, that you're naturally going to go into the tide and go with the stream, and so you actually have to make a stand and in your home and say you know, in our home, you know, I understand what your friends are doing, but in our home, yes, this is how we're going to roll.
Speaker 1:
We did that with our daughter because she was a Pinterest girl and so she had Pinterest her prom, which she was in junior high. Like she had dreams and ideas of what she wanted to do for her, for her dances.
Speaker 1:
Until she talked to us Exactly, and then we had to put a stake in the ground and we had to say babe, we love you, but there's a $200 limit and you can spend it on all on the dress or dressing, shoes or but what? We're not going to do the shoes, the makeup, the hair, the nails, the dress, all those things, because it just gets excessive. It's ridiculous. And so we had to put a stake in the ground. I don't care how much money your friend is spending on their dress, but we're doing a $200 limit and if you want an $800 dress, then you'll have to save your money to do that.
Speaker 2:
You know, one of the cool things about that hunt and we've seen it with our daughter mostly, more than our boys, because she does like to look pretty and like get those things and we put the limit on her and that girl's learned how to squeeze a block yeah. You give her $200. You might have a semi truck pull up in your driveway.
Speaker 1:
Her closet has become her best friend.
Speaker 2:
So it's actually taught her how to be more resourceful rather than just saying, well, get whatever you want, right? So it's actually a great skill to help teach them. Yeah, and let's move on. Let's talk about another way that we become excessive is the amount of control, or controlling, or where we hear, micromanaging everything. It is about our kids, and I'm going to have to point the finger at you. I'm going to have to point the finger at you. You know you're dying hard to this one. You're dying hard and it's. I think it's different, though, not to to totally throw you under the bus. Us guys do not get I'll speak in generalities do not get as emotionally attached to our kids' feelings and so like, if the kids get in trouble, I really don't sweat it If the kids are on the board the purposes of being in trouble.
Speaker 2:
I just go well, you're, whatever you do, that's fine, whereas you are one is because I don't want them to get in trouble, or I don't want them to experience that pain, and so, as a result, that's that saving grace or that savior complex that you have that you come in and you start controlling every little thing, which is exhausting in itself.
Speaker 1:
Well, and it mostly is about them being bored or entertaining them, and I know there's a ton of moms out there that feel that way, and so it's really important that we don't over schedule our kids and make them feel like, oh, I don't know what they'll do if they're, if they don't have a plan or activity or a schedule or friends over or whatever. And so you know, free play is OK, boredom is OK, and so our kids aren't having even any time to decompress and to get creative, to build that fort right, to make that work, that puzzle to create, you know, to draw, to read, whatever. Because we're so over scheduling them and I am good guilty.
Speaker 2:
I meant well, I mean, let's go down that road for a second. Why do you think speak from a mom's heart? Yeah, why don't you want them to be bored? Why don't you? Why do you feel like you have to entertain them? Why are you afraid that they would get hurt, like again? When I say hurt, I don't mean, like you know, hit by a car, I mean what do you think that is about a mom's heart?
Speaker 1:
That's a good question. I would love to hear other moms' comments on that, because I don't know where it comes from of. Maybe I don't want to be sad or I worry about what they'll do, maybe I don't know. But our daughter-in-law sent us a little picture. It was so cute. She took it from outside the window but her grandkiddos were hanging out in the play, in the sandbox, and they had a turtle they were feeding and they were sitting there and they were just mesmerized by workmen that were literally repaving their road in front of them and they just sat there.
Speaker 1:
She's like it entertained them for hours, but like mom didn't go out there and play games or invite friends over or, you know, come up with playing activities, she just let him go out and play. Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, well, you didn't really answer and that's fine, I don't know the answer. But I think it's connected and I'm going to take a shot here, okay, and you can correct me if I'm wrong. I think it's connected to the next word.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
And so the next thing we need to be concerned about or aware of is the fear, and in particular, the fear of failing or us failing his parents.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, of you know, um, if we're a high achieving, or we achieved a certain level or certain way, or we had a vision of how things ought to be and we don't see things reaching that, how will it reflect on us if our kids don't major up to that Right? And so oftentimes it's, it's a level of embarrassment of well you know what would that look like for our, to our name, or on me as a parent? Um, am I, you think, or not?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, I mean, sure, I mean, I am an overachieving person.
Speaker 2:
So yes, you are.
Speaker 1:
So maybe there is that fear of failing as a parent or not wanting them to fail as a child, you know. And so it is a driving force of some really poor parenting decisions, and I'm so thankful for you that you that I'm not afraid of failing.
Speaker 1:
No that you balance me out and that you will say, honey, honey, back off, back off, relax, let him, let him fail, let him figured out. You know, and you've done this since our oldest was a little kid, and so it seems to have worked so far. It's a good balance.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I don't know, like it is the balance, right it is. It's not to say that one way is right or wrong. It's a matter of having it in balance because, remember, at the top of our show we're talking about, we brought in this phrase parenting fatigue syndrome. Right, like this excessiveness.
Speaker 2:
It's over the top and, at the end of the day, it's exhausting. And it's exhausting and taking away from the things that really could matter more right, having a relationship with your kids or allowing them to learn something from a failed experiment of some sort. So it takes away from things that are ultimately, maybe a little bit more meaningful or purposeful in their life.
Speaker 1:
So I would have said for sure that 20 years ago. But I do believe that I've come a long way, that my value and worth does not come from how my kids succeed or fail, and so I don't, because there's a ton of moms out there that feel like I'm not good enough, or if my child fails or does poor at school or gets in trouble like that reflects on me as a person and I don't feel that anymore.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
But I do want them to see them succeed right and I want to help. But sometimes my help comes from my own insecurities and my own issues and fear, and it's not helping them by doing for them what they can do for themselves. So you know, I think of that story, of I've told us before the grandma whose child wanted, grandchild wanted, strawberry milk.
Speaker 1:
And this grandma had come to me because her mom, her daughter, the mom of this child, was failing as a parent and she was kind of like coming in trying to save the day.
Speaker 1:
And she was trying to overcompensate for mom's poor parenting decisions. So she kind of was just giving to this grandchild and this kid wanted strawberry milk and the mom tried to pour some. No, I want it from the store. So she gets in a car, she goes to the store, she gets strawberry milk, she brings it and puts it to the four year old's child. That's not what I want. She throws the strawberry milk at the grandma and the grandma drives to another Store to get the strawberry milk he likes. My butt would not have gone to three places to get that strawberry milk, I would have put him in time out and said no strawberry milk for you.
Speaker 2:
I would have not left the house.
Speaker 1:
We have water over in that If you don't like my strawberry syrup in that milk, then sorry. But the excessiveness of trying to please or your owning securities.
Speaker 2:
I think you know, as you talk about that, I hear so many things right all around in my head about, because of the culture that we have fallen into the for the I've written an article on and we did a show on guilty parenting right. When you're your, your kid is either being raised by grandparents or being raised by a single mom or divorced parents, and so we start to do Excessive things in a way to help cover up what we might think of as the damage that we feel guilty and responsible for it. Obviously, what we'd want to say is well, don't we need to minimize the damage, right? I mean, don't minimize the divorces and all those things. But at the end of the day, bad things happened in life and Our job is not to make everything feel better and go away. Yeah, our job is to give our kids the strength to cope and to deal with, so that not everything and we talked about this at Lunch not everything is trauma. Yeah, not everything is traumatic.
Speaker 2:
Yeah yes, there are things that are, but if I Oversensitize my kid, do everything, then literally not getting strawberry milk will ruin their entire day. Yeah, and now they are dramatically to. In their mind, they're saying this was the worst day ever.
Speaker 1:
Yeah and we train them to be that way and and if you've not heard, snow plow, parenting, that's that pushing away any adversity, any, any Disappointments, so that they feel like they're succeeding as a mom. And so, and some of them just want to feel like their child's best friend, like I want their child to be their bestie, and you know there will be a day as an adult that maybe you could be good friends, but not while they're under your roof. You're called to be, step up and be the parent, not their best friend and you set the Exit, the excessive boundaries right, so you set them.
Speaker 2:
The kid doesn't get to set them, and you say this frequently on the show. Just because you can doesn't mean you should right. Just because I can afford to buy this or I have the ability to do something Doesn't mean I actually should do. It doesn't mean it's a good play in the long run.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, so here's where this is going.
Speaker 1:
Okay, if you just trend into, hey, that's you, but this is us and we do this and that for our kids, and we love to give what love to spend and love to do, and here's what we do. We set up our children for disappointment later in life because, guess what? Life isn't gonna give them everything they want, life isn't gonna do everything they want them to do, and so, while they're under your roof, you give them this really false understanding of life Disappointments, getting what you want, what is what is within reason. And so, as parents, we set up our kids Something that cannot be sustained in life, and that's where we're seeing the employers Struggling with employees who don't want to mop the floor because that's beneath them, or they're not willing to come in early Because they want to sleep in, and so it's like, wow, we have not given them any opportunity to gain resilience and strength in the home, and that's because of this excessiveness we're doing and giving yeah, this brings, me we could be here all day, yeah, like there's a story like that.
Speaker 2:
When I was working in the schools, we had a super great teacher, but she was very sensitive to the needs of the kids and she had a heart for the kids. But because her heart was so big, her emotions got out in front of her. She would do anything and everything to not let any kid have a bad experience or even a low grade, and so that would like we. I noticed a trend for over a couple of years that these kids were coming out of her room.
Speaker 1:
It's great yes unbelievable grades.
Speaker 2:
Okay, and where I noticed it was the next year. Oh my gosh, those teachers were like hit a wall. These teachers were breaking news to these kids. Guess what? You're not as good as. You're not all that so the kids were upset, but the parents were upset. What do you mean? My kid? So the parents had an expectation that their kid was yeah, off the chart inflated right and so that's.
Speaker 2:
That was a hard Talk with that teacher because I know her heart was absolutely right and good, but it set the kids and the parents up, for sometimes you need to be told that you know you're not all bad and that's okay, that's okay, yeah, so stop get off the hamster wheel.
Speaker 1:
Your worth and value as a parent is not determined by how big your child's birthday party is or how many select teams they play on or saying yes to your child's every wish. You know, a parent who constantly pushes a child for top achievement in academics and sports and extracurriculars has to be really careful on to check their heart and their motive at the door, like who is this for anyway? I mean, I had a child who was doing gymnastics like four or five days a week and she'd been doing that all through elementary school and when she got into middle school she didn't even want to do gymnastics. But she came to me in private and it was just devastated because she thought it would devastate my parents and and honestly they they pretty much said it would like we put all this money into this.
Speaker 1:
Yeah you're gonna quit now. They were ticked and so it's like who is this for? Because your daughter doesn't even enjoy it anymore, and that's where we gotta really check the excessiveness and why. Yeah, okay, let's move on, yeah.
Speaker 2:
Okay. So the next idea here is we let go of our kids, we let go slowly, okay. In other words, we give them some leash, right to go out and to run, because at the end of the day, we're trying to allow them to be successful adults, right, and so the idea that we are raising them to fly out of the nest. So I had a conversation just the other day about this younger kid and the idea was I hope they're in my house forever. I just can't imagine them leaving.
Speaker 1:
And that's excessive.
Speaker 2:
Well, it's excessive and it's hurtful. It's unhealthy, because you basically hamstring the kid from really growing. They have to have a little bit of that pressure, a little bit of that discomfort to say I've gotta try something different. That's where the growth takes place. And so you let go, you let go slow. You don't just open the door one day and say you're out.
Speaker 1:
Okay, you bar the door, yeah.
Speaker 2:
But at the end of the day, you're forcing them to understand the responsibilities that they need to start taking on and you carrying their responsibility is basically hamstringing or handicapping them Hamstringing. What's that you think that means yeah you're hamstrung so like if you've ever been running, and you pull your hamstring and now you got a limb.
Speaker 1:
I've never heard of it. You've never heard of being hamstrung.
Speaker 2:
Oh my gosh, you've never run.
Speaker 1:
Oh gosh anyway. But we want to raise healthy, successful adults, and so we have to kind of think long-term. And with freedom comes responsibility. We say this in our home all the time. Our kids are sick of hearing it, but maybe you're a parent of a teenager like us, where they're the ones digitally connecting, looking at all the things that their classmates are doing or getting, and so that's where the PFS is coming from, cause, honestly, I feel like we're just getting pushed and almost bullied into we need this, we got this, we deserve this, and it's so excessive. And the classmates driving the new Tesla? Or the friend who is buying the $800 prom dress?
Speaker 1:
you know, and that doesn't include the shoes, the hair, the makeup, the nails, and it goes on and on. And I know they're MVS and I know they want those things, but that's normal, right. Like you said, it's a kid.
Speaker 2:
Right, and, by the way, the kid is driving the Tesla. I shouldn't be mad or angry at that kid, right.
Speaker 1:
Like.
Speaker 2:
I mean they're going to learn what life they're going to learn because life is going to do that. Now whether you know to help, hopefully helping my kid early on by allowing them to experience a little bit of that friction and turmoil so that they get the strength to handle it earlier rather than later.
Speaker 2:
So we're trying to give tools so they can endure better later. So the kid is driving the Tesla to school. You know, I'm really I'm neutral on that because I'm like, well, you know, I know life we talk about all the time. There's no such thing as an arrogant old man, because all of them have been humbled, right, they've all been humbled, and so I think it's important that we just recognize that. And if we're truly going to help our kids, we have to look further than the end of our nose. We have to look well, what did I give them to be strong and better out in the future? Something comes to my mind being a Christian we are constantly swinging swimming upstream, and so we're constantly being bombarded with.
Speaker 2:
Well, that's weird or strange or you know, and so you know if our audience out there is primarily a Christian audience, and so this is just another way for us to teach our kids it's okay to swim against the stream. In fact, it builds strength in you to do that.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, actually it's.
Speaker 1:
One of the spiritual disciplines is simplicity of not the excess, not really searching for or longing for or going after the excess, to simplify.
Speaker 1:
And you know and I've read an author that was reading or wrote about you know how she picks seven things and just focused on that. So you know, we've seen these power plays, by the way, with divorced parents, where we're trying to get that control or we're trying to be their best friend, and so we're the ones buying the car or the phone to try to one up the parent. That's not healthy in the long term. That doesn't play off well, you know. Or the to be a cool dad to let them drink in your home when they're still in high school, or giving that child a brand new Tesla or whatever. It doesn't play out long term. Play it out to see what this looks like in the long term, you know. Or the elementary child that still sleeps in your bed because you're insecure, because you're needing them, or you're having struggles with your marriage, you know all those scenarios just don't end with successful, healthy, independent adults.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so the final real question here is when does it stop? Well, like, when do you stop providing in all these ways, and especially like the excess, like who's gonna define excessive? Okay, and so the idea here is and this goes throughout entire life right, my dad's in a nursing home right now. Right, and even the rule in the nursing home is you don't do stuff for the clients or the patients.
Speaker 2:
You don't do stuff for them if they're capable of doing it on their own. And the reason is because, as soon as you start doing it, you basically are going to stop them from doing it. The muscles are going to go weak, you know, and so Even all through life you.
Speaker 2:
There's one thing to do a favor an occasional favor to help somebody out, but when you are starting to do things that your kid is capable of, then that is your time, that's your sign where you go. Oh, I probably need to stop this. Okay, and that goes for, like I'm, my kid is capable of making enough money to buy a sufficient car to drive. They're capable of doing that, so that means I do not need to throw 10,000.
Speaker 1:
Dollars down towards a car, make their payments, make their appointments, make decisions for them. We're crippling our kids and, honestly, honey, it's creating this anxiety and insecurity and this real anxiousness of like I don't think I could do it on my own. We have to build resilience and confidence that, yes, you can do it. We believe in you, we believe you can go get a job, we believe you can make that payment. We believe that you can do that on your own. And so we got to think longterm, um, and how? What we're doing now, how it plays out?
Speaker 2:
you know an interesting thing we live in a somewhat rural area, although it's it's, I would say, quickly turning suburban. Um. But I would say, when I taught at our area school here it was it was probably 50, 50 rule meaning farm kids, and the thing I loved about the farm kids is they were so, uh, so resourceful. So resilient they were so resilient and but like because they might have to get up early to go feed animals right and they just had to get the job done, yeah Right.
Speaker 2:
And so those kids, they were driving tractors when they were 12 years old. They were paying bills because maybe they wanted to go buy, you know, some of them for four H or whatever. And I think back, like those parents. Those kids were full of mud, they were working, they were sweating, but those kids have, uh have, a backbone of integrity and strength and endurance, and work ethic. Oh isn't that what I want my kids to?
Speaker 1:
have Right.
Speaker 2:
And so because they were out there just doing the work, taking care of the stuff.
Speaker 1:
So, as we wrap up, we want to leave you with two challenges. The first one is to think through the things you do for your children, as Merle said, and the stuff you give them. Could they do it for themselves? What's really behind what you're doing? Is it your own insecurities? Is it your own control issues? Are you fearful or anxious about being a bad parent, or what people will think? So really think through. Why am I doing and giving to them? Is it excessive, Is it necessary and why am I doing it?
Speaker 2:
And then the number two is uh, lasting joy and pieces better than a temporary happiness. And so that whole idea, if you, only your kids only have the ability we know this, like with kids, before they can tell time, they can only know what's happening right now, okay, and so they're seeking happiness right now, and once they learn to tell time, they can really still only see out just a few hours and maybe days. Okay, and so joy comes from the pathway that they see themself on, Like this is leading me to something good, all right. And so, uh, we training our kids to seek out a contentment and a joy because of the path that they're on versus them, step by step, immediate, walk that they're on, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
So again, there's so much we could talk about. We could be here for hours.
Speaker 2:
I mean, don't get us on a soapbox Cause that's talking about fatigue syndrome Exactly.
Speaker 1:
But we just see it, we see the excessiveness. It's not helping, it's crippling our kiddos, and so if that really just kind of sparked something in you and you're kind of maybe left more confused than than not, then reach out to us. We'd love to sit alongside and walk alongside you and to really kind of unpack what's going on in your home and what's going on and what you think maybe we could do to help, and so we would love to. So thank you so much. Anything else you got going?
Speaker 2:
on. We better thank our sponsors.
Speaker 1:
Thanks.
Speaker 2:
Maxwell construction, Casey's outdoor solutions and who's your ice house. So thank you again to our sponsors. So we want to thank all of you out there who are sharing shows. We hear that a lot now. Hey, I heard your show. I shared it with a friend of ours who's going through that same situation. That's really what this is all about. This is just a resource of just to make people think so, share our shows. Our phone number eight, one, two, five, seven, six, 76, 25. So if you feel like you need a little help or guidance or direction, feel free to give us a call there. Other than that, I think we got it.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, thanks so much for listening to the rock solid families podcast. Building a stronger community one family at a time. Make it a great day.
Speaker 2:
Rock solid families wants to thank Maxwell construction for sponsoring the rock solid families podcast. For over 30 years, maxwell construction has been a leader in turning dreams into realities building schools, banks, restaurants and many other commercial and public facilities. Maxwell construction has made it their priority to not just build buildings but to build into their community. So if you have any construction needs, call them at 812-537-2200. Rock solid families wants to thank Casey's outdoor solutions for sponsoring the rock solid families podcast. Casey's has grown to be one of the largest and most unique garden centers and gift shops in the Cincinnati tri-state area. Whether you are looking to take on that next landscape project or simply add a little home decor to your house, casey's has you covered. Located at 214-H1 State Line Road, lawrenceburg, indiana, call them today at 812-537-3800. Let Casey's help you add beauty to your home.
