Marriage is a creation of God’s and is meant to be a blessing.
So, how can we do that better?
Advice -
Recognize you are on the same team. Submit to one another for the good of the team, i.e. marriage. Ephesians 5:21-33 - Verse 33: … every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband.
One of you is not better than the other. You are equal players in this endeavor. No more trying to win for the SELF - now it is win for the MARRIAGE. Many parts - one body, all are important. (1 Corinthians 12:12-17)
Focus on your spouse's strengths - you have a choice on what you will focus on with your spouse. If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see.
Effective communicatio Truly listening to your spouse, understanding their heart, is key to knowing how to best support them. Daily Check-ins - “How are you doing?” is more important than “What are you doing?” Heart Check - Validate that you hear them by rephrasing what they have said in your words. Do not give advice unless asked for. Do not “fix” your spouse. Ask “How can I help?” “What do you need from me?”
Be Your Best - Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do to be your best version for not just the good of you, but also your spouse. We’ve used this verse alot but Matthew 7:1-3. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ...
Spiritual Growth - practicing to be more Christlike Physical Growth - taking care of your body. Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse? Personal Growth - stretch and challenge yourself in your own desires and gifts. Practicing a hobby, taking a class, accepting a new challenge to better yourself.
Love Them the Way They Want to be Loved Learn and Know what makes them feel loved, respected, and valuable
Make Christ Your Cornerstone - Build on a common and solid foundation Matthew 7:24-27 Common values for living come from Christ Pray together - invite God into your marriage. Practice forgiveness and grace as Christ does with the Church
Marriage is a creation of God’s and is meant to be a blessing.
So, how can we do that better?
Advice -
Recognize you are on the same team. Submit to one another for the good of the team, i.e. marriage. Ephesians 5:21-33 - Verse 33: … every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband.
One of you is not better than the other. You are equal players in this endeavor. No more trying to win for the SELF - now it is win for the MARRIAGE. Many parts - one body, all are important. (1 Corinthians 12:12-17)
Focus on your spouse's strengths - you have a choice on what you will focus on with your spouse. If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see.
Effective communicatio Truly listening to your spouse, understanding their heart, is key to knowing how to best support them. Daily Check-ins - “How are you doing?” is more important than “What are you doing?” Heart Check - Validate that you hear them by rephrasing what they have said in your words. Do not give advice unless asked for. Do not “fix” your spouse. Ask “How can I help?” “What do you need from me?”
Be Your Best - Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do to be your best version for not just the good of you, but also your spouse. We’ve used this verse alot but Matthew 7:1-3. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ...
Spiritual Growth - practicing to be more Christlike Physical Growth - taking care of your body. Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse? Personal Growth - stretch and challenge yourself in your own desires and gifts. Practicing a hobby, taking a class, accepting a new challenge to better yourself.
Love Them the Way They Want to be Loved Learn and Know what makes them feel loved, respected, and valuable
Make Christ Your Cornerstone - Build on a common and solid foundation Matthew 7:24-27 Common values for living come from Christ Pray together - invite God into your marriage. Practice forgiveness and grace as Christ does with the Church
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Speaker 1:
Welcome to the Rock Solid Families podcast. I am Linda Hutchinson sitting here with my ever handy husband, Merle. How are you, honey?
Speaker 2:
Ever handy, ever handy, ever handy. What do you mean by that? I'm all hands. I just did not. I'm all hands.
Speaker 1:
No, I sometimes take this for granted that you are so good. You always say you're like the jack of all trades, master of nothing. But you know, you just did a little project outside with our little wall and stone and it looks so good.
Speaker 2:
Every time I drive up I'm just like man, I got it. Hey, it only took 18 and a half years on that project.
Speaker 1:
No, it really is and I just don't realize it until you hear other women talk about how their husband doesn't even know which hand way to hold a handle of a hammer and I'm like, man, I've got.
Speaker 2:
I've got the man right here you're trying to flatter me, aren't you? You're buttering me up. What do you mean? What are you buttering me up for? What are?
Speaker 1:
you nothing. I just want to praise. No, I just want to praise. You can't even accept it, can I? No, but it does fit with what we're talking about today yes, it does, but before we go there, yeah all right, let's thank our sponsors.
Speaker 2:
Yes, all right. So we'd like to thank maxwell construction, casey's outdoor solutions and the Hoosier Ice House for sponsoring the Rock Solid Family podcast. So, guys, if you are doing business with any one of those businesses, please let them know that you are listeners of Rock Solid Families and that you appreciate that they sponsor what we do here. So thanks to those guys.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, we also don't want to forget um we have a monthly parenting class called families rock and it's held at the Lawrenceburg firehouse and Tate street in Lawrenceburg, indiana, every fourth Saturday, which which we got to say fourth because it's not the last one because it does change depending on the month, um, but it is the fourth Saturday, from eight, 30 to 12.
Speaker 1:
We really encourage any parent, really any person that is in a co-parenting situation or maybe you and your spouse aren't on the same page when it comes to parenting. This is a great class for that, so we would love for you to attend. You can find out more at roxellafamiliesorg Click services coaching. I think it's under families rock under services.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, all right. So let's talk about our show. Let's get into.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, what are we talking about today, besides flattering You're?
Speaker 2:
you're buttering me up, you're flattering me. What we are going to talk about is the idea of how to bring the best out of your spouse. Okay so how do you get the best version of your out of your spouse without being manipulative?
Speaker 1:
I wasn't being manipulative.
Speaker 2:
I sincerely appreciate just what you bring to our relationship, and I know that, I know that you, uh, you often do you speak highly of my different handyman projects and stuff and so just teasing aside, like that's an important thing for me, I like that, you like that, and so you know, if you are very critical of every project that I did, I can tell you my nature is to say, well, fine, I just won't do them anymore, and so if your spouse is doing something that you like, you know what's praised is repeated right and so anyway, we're going to talk about how we get the best out of our spouse and how we create some of that fertile ground so that grows to be better and better and more and more.
Speaker 2:
So, um you know hon.
Speaker 1:
Um, I want to share first, like we see a lot of couples at Roxella, families, and they walk in our door and inevitably there is this negative loop that's occurring, you know, and everything that our partner is doing, and we use this always and never a lot in this negative loop, like they always, you know, talk bad about me or they never help me, or whatever that is.
Speaker 1:
And so we're going to really try to help you get out of that negative loop and create this positive loop, which is about affirming and encouraging and looking for the good. And so we really want to just give you some tools that hopefully will help you and your spouse. And really this could be any relationship. It could be you and your boss, it could be you and your child, it could be you and your friend, your neighbor, and so really let's help bring out the best in the relationships that we're involved in.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I was actually just going to say that, like you know, any two people you put together, you're going to have differences, even high potential for conflict is going to be there, and so what we're going to talk about today is we're going to talk about it and direct it towards marriage.
Speaker 2:
But really, if you're a person that has challenges and difficulties in relationships like you struggle at, work you struggle with friendships, you might want to listen in, because maybe some things here would help you realize as to why you might be struggling. So let's get in to talk about how we can help our listeners out there bring out the best in their spouse.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, our listeners out there bring out the best in their spouse. Yeah, so the very first one, and you can write this down. We really encourage you to take notes and to kind of go back and listen or review what we're talking about. And sometimes we try to give you practical strategies. And so number one is to recognize you're on the same team, especially as a couple. And the Bible says in Ephesians, chapter five. It says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And so when we say, okay, you know what, it's not about what I want. It's about what's best for our family, for our marriage, for each other, and submitting to one another. Jesus wasn't, I mean Paul is the one who wrote this, but he knew what he was doing.
Speaker 1:
He knew that this long-term would play out well and that it would create this positive loop that would just really help in any relationship, especially marriage.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, our sons are in special forces. I can now start to say that finally.
Speaker 1:
Exactly, cheers.
Speaker 2:
And they were in special forces, and one of the things they quickly learn is it is about the mission and it is about our brotherhood that's going to keep us alive, and so it's dying to self, it's submitting so in Ephesians 5,.
Speaker 2:
The knee-jerk reaction from today's culture is I'm not submitting to anyone. And so if you bring a bunch of independent heroes into a team, you're not going to be a hero for long as a team. You're going to struggle and you're going to fall apart. And so the idea here is yeah, we are on the same team. There is a greater mission, right, and so we know hon all the time, like our families are under attack.
Speaker 2:
The world is trying to attack them. The world, satan, couldn't wait to have your marriage blow apart, your kids get in trouble, your community to fall apart, your churches to all. The whole deal right, everything that's good to fall apart. And so, if you don't recognize that there's an external evil force, that we do refer to as Satan. If you don't recognize that, you will get swept up in it.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it made me think of that. Hon and you're right, we're able to share more because our sons are finally getting out, praise God. But one of the gifts that your boys gave you was this gigantic picture of this boat team for the SEALs. And they're carrying this big boat and they have different number positions and the number two is the stinkiest job. It's like it carries a lot of the weight for the boat, and I forget what the exact saying is, but something like sometimes you just have to ride the two.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, true leadership is riding the two.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, basically like carrying some of the extra load, like doing what the team needs, especially if someone else on the team is struggling, that you're willing to ride the two. And there's this gigantic picture in our office that shows that and it just is a reminder. Like you got to think about we, not me, it's not I team, it's a we team. And so we've got to recognize, especially whether you're with your you know your boss in a job, or whether it be in a spouse in a marriage recognize you're on the same team.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, one good indicator that you see all the time with couples is if you're doing a lot of arguing, because if you're going into a relationship with a lot of arguing, it's meaning we're still trying to hold our post our individual post, we're still saying, well, how can I win?
Speaker 2:
And so if there's a lot of arguing that's taking place in a relationship or a lot of silent treatment because those are basically two sides of the same coin, or a lot of silent treatment, because those are basically two sides of the same coin Okay, if that's going on, we still have not adapted to the idea that we're on the same team, and so that's one of the indicators I use and it's one of the things I say in relationship work from now on, no more arguing. Not that there's no more conflict, but there's no more arguing, because you're still referencing everything from me instead of we, yeah, and what are our kids seeing?
Speaker 1:
But there's no more arguing, because you're still referencing everything from me instead of we, yeah, and you know what are our kids seeing? Our kids are seeing a culture, a society that is all about the me and it's all about the win, and so the arguing and the complaining and the conflict is just constant.
Speaker 2:
So, as a couple, it's really important that we lead the way to show our kids this is how we can disagree and we can have conflict, but that we work together as a team. Number two let's go to number two. So this actually comes from 1 Corinthians, where, in 1 Corinthians 12, we're talking about many parts to one body, okay, and it talks to the idea that no part is greater than the other.
Speaker 2:
They all combine to make the greater whole, okay, and so what happens is when we have a team, there are different positions to be played Right, and so, yeah, we might look at the quarterback as the guy who's kind of running the show. But that quarterback's nothing without that big front lineman in front of him protecting him.
Speaker 1:
Okay.
Speaker 2:
And so the same thing happens in a marriage and sometimes we elevate positions like well, dad brings home the paycheck or, you know, mom runs the calendar or the house, and it's like no, without every one of these positions. And even the kids have positions. Right, they have a role as a child that we identify, their role. And then we start to, we lift it up, we say, hey, we are glad that you do that and we need it to be done.
Speaker 1:
well, yeah, so show your partner, your spouse, appreciation for what they bring into the family. And, yes, it's going to be different. And, yes, maybe the spouse has gone 10 hours a day at a job, but you're home with children 10 hours by yourself, and so focus on your spouse's strengths. Ok, you have a choice. This is that negative loop I'm talking about and, to be honest, I grew up in an environment where my mom focused on the negatives and I started to do that too, where you can make dinner for the family and I would be focusing on the crumbs on the counter. And so we've got to choose, ladies, especially us. We've got to choose to get out of that negative loop and encourage, to focus and encourage on the strengths, affirming and encouraging, because of what you said earlier what's praised is repeated.
Speaker 2:
If.
Speaker 1:
I'm focusing on that. The mortar joints on this rock is not up to my par. Instead of the work and the hours and the days you spent putting this stone up, you're not going to do any more projects.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, we get into the nitty gritty it is funny. Our son is starting to clean cars and he's detailing cars.
Speaker 1:
Hutch has the touch. Yeah, and he's doing it.
Speaker 2:
you know for a little side money and stuff and so we're kind of encouraging that. But it is one of those things where he just finished a car and I feel like the need to be critical because I want him to be better at it. So when he gets done he goes look how great this is, dad.
Speaker 2:
And I'm like yeah, but you know and so you have to be strategic, you have to be diplomatic is the right way. Yes, there are always ways we can encourage and make people better. But to just blast them, if you kill their spirit, you're going to kill the team. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
So that's number two focus on their strengths. Number three effective communication. James 1.19 says everyone should be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to anger and I'm just going to be honest, I do not like silence.
Speaker 2:
You're a rescuer. You're a verbal rescuer.
Speaker 1:
So when there's silence and it's awkward, I will jump in and speak. And sometimes that listening and that silence is super important, especially with a child or a spouse, to give them space. So we need to truly listen to understand. So maybe if it's an awkward silence, to maybe ask another question to try to get some clarification, like help me understand. Like I really want to understand this and so this is really important in a relationship to bring that best out in your spouse.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, let's go back to the me versus the we. If I'm when you're speaking, I'm already creating my response than it is about me, because I have to have some great thing that's going to come out of my mouth. And so, unless you've asked me a question, right, and so it's that idea of when you're speaking, how about seeking clarification to understand? That way, you have put your mind on rest and you're seeking to understand their mind, and so we in our practices. There's a few breakdowns here. This is where our daily check-in comes in. This is where the idea that, for 10, 15 minutes every day, you're going to speak with your spouse, you're going to talk, you're going to have conversation, and the goal out of that 10 minutes is how are you doing?
Speaker 1:
Yeah. You know, not what they're doing, what you do.
Speaker 2:
What you do is is just what you do, right, and half the time we're doing stuff that nobody else is really that interested in.
Speaker 1:
Okay.
Speaker 2:
Which is not a slam, it's just like hey, you're, you're the toe, You're holding up part of the foot right.
Speaker 1:
Oh, you're the eye, you know.
Speaker 2:
And so, but it's the idea of hey toe, hey eye.
Speaker 1:
How you doing.
Speaker 2:
Is everything good up there? Is everything good down there, right, and so the idea that during the check-in, you're walking away with. So it seems like you're having a pretty difficult day today, right.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and not just in the words that they say, but actually the more the nonverbals, their tone, their body posture, their eye contact. So you're looking for those things. And so if, if you walk in the door, hon and I was like hey, how was your day? And you're like it was all right, and you're like, oh great, well, what were we having for dinner? I might have missed something really important, and we've talked about this in a ton of other shows, but this is how you bring out the best in your spouse, because they may be so downtrodden, they may be so sad or frustrated that they need that help from you. They need maybe it's that encouragement or that extra question or those extra moments of silence to say, okay, I'm not really sure if I believe you or are you sure you're okay?
Speaker 1:
And then that way you can get clarity and give them a chance to share and to really understand what's going on for them.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, another part of this effective communication. Again, we're trying to transfer from me to we, right, for the good of the marriage, the good of the team, and so the idea here is I'm not going to tell other people how to do their job. This is advice giving right, and it's unsolicited advice giving.
Speaker 1:
The usager, the usager right, that's Merle's made up name for unsolicited advice giver.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and it's that idea, like I wasn't asking for any help here.
Speaker 2:
And the reason why people aren't asking for help is because they have to recognize their own problems and then they'll work through the solution through themselves. Now, if they're absolutely stuck, hopefully their pride is not so strong that they won't ask for help, right, or that they will ask for help. And so the idea here is we don't fix each other, all right. Um, we, we just sit back and we let them work through it, all right, if you see that your partner is stuck, all right, you might just say something very simple. Is there anything I can do to help?
Speaker 1:
Yes, how can I help that?
Speaker 2:
way, I'm not. I did not give them solution, I just said hey, I'm on your team, I'm on your team, I can be, here to help if you need me.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and this is really important, not just for your spouse, but this is for important for your kids, or even a coworker Like man. It sounds like you're having a bad day. What can I do to help? Or what do you need from me, and so that way you've kind of opened up, like if there is something that you're doing wrong, for instance on I just got to brag on you.
Speaker 2:
You know, um we used to have this times in one show you used to be very sarcastic about my spills.
Speaker 1:
Okay, we've talked about this and and it hurt because I I remember growing up I was very clumsy and so you would kind of mock it and make fun of it, and we had this hard conversation where I had to be honest and say it hurts my feelings. Okay, well, just this past.
Speaker 1:
Well, actually I just did it a little bit ago with my tea, but just this past Sunday I knocked your your coffee all over the Sunday school classroom, yeah, and a ton of kids like, oh my gosh, you know, and in that moment you were just so different where you were like, hey, let me go get some paper towels. And you just jumped up and helped and I was so thankful because I was sad and embarrassed of myself. Plus, there was like 25 first graders that are watching and laughing. But like you didn't mock me and I so appreciated that, that you bring out the best in me. That was a very clumsy move and a mess, but I appreciated the fact that you jumped in to help and you didn't even ask, you just knew like, hey, we're going to need a lot of paper towels.
Speaker 2:
And let's be clear, all right, um, my knee jerk reaction is to get frustrated. Yep, right, because it it it threw a curve ball at us.
Speaker 1:
We now have other things we have to do Right.
Speaker 2:
Well, so it is frustrating. And so the nature, right. And this is when you just let spontaneous things rule your life. Right? The nature is to be impulsive and go oh my gosh, you know, look what you've done, you've inconvenienced us, but the training the training is.
Speaker 2:
No, I know she didn't do that on purpose. We're part of the team, let's go help, and that's only through training. And, hannah, it's only the training that you said. Hey, I need help with this, all right, um, otherwise, if you, if you would just laugh it off too and act like it didn't need help, then you're fair game to be made fun of, right, because you don't see it as a problem, which I had done for years Right and yeah, and so you know again, this is part of that.
Speaker 1:
I need to pay attention and we need to communicate with each other to be better for each other, yeah, which leads to number four, actually, and that is to be your best. You know, instead of focusing on what your partner's doing wrong or how they're making a mess, to focus on what you can do, to be the best version of yourself. I think of Matthew 7, 1 through 3, we talk about it a lot. It says do not judge, or you too will be judged, for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and the measure you use will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck in your partner's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? The reality is, we all make spills, we all make a mess, and so, if we're going to criticize and condemn somebody when they make a mistake, what happens when it's your turn and how they react?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, there's three general areas that we talked about here, but I think spiritual growth is one of them. Right, and being your best in your spiritual growth. And I have to point out that I think there's an important part of the physical part.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you know, especially as we get older, we take kind of things for granted Like well you know, this is just my body and this is just.
Speaker 2:
They accept me for who I am, and you know we have to. One, we have to be healthy, right, but two, we have to be beyond just healthy. We have to be healthy, right, um, but two, we have to be beyond just healthy. We have to be able to do things right. Life is action we are the hands and feet of, and so if you're not taking care of your body and being a level of fitness, it can really put a damper on on how we're doing life together. Yeah, right now you like to walk my knees bothering me. I don't necessarily like to walk, it's like. I just feel like this is just frustrating for me, you know um, so it's just hindering me.
Speaker 2:
I'm gonna have to figure out what to do all right, but sitting around and complaining about it and, um, we're supposed to go on a, a hiking trip in September and.
Speaker 2:
I'm like I got to get something done before then, because I don't want to be the wet blanket on that whole trip, um, I'll go so far as to say you know, um, do you like yourself when you look in the mirror, especially as we get older and we go? You know, look at the spare tire is picking up on me. Um, chances are, if you don't find yourself attractive, your spouse is not finding you attractive anymore. And those are the. Those are little things that you're like man anymore. And those are the. Those are little things that you're like man like I need everything I can to be attractive to my partner.
Speaker 2:
I want them to be able to look at me and not the next attractive person that's walking by.
Speaker 1:
And some things are out of your control. Like we all have some extra wrinkles. You know, even from the start of doing the podcast to today, you know things have changed, so some of that's out of your control today. You know things have changed, so some of that's out of your control.
Speaker 1:
But you know, you and I have talked about just the grumpiness sometimes of old age and so you know that we can be our best emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally, professionally. You know, intellectually we're still learning and reading and growing. So there's different areas that we really want to work toward to be our best and we want to encourage our spouse to be their best. And so if it's that you want to go back to school, you know, if it's physically possible, financially possible, we're going to make that happen for you because that would help you be your best.
Speaker 2:
That would be my worst nightmare. That was a bad example.
Speaker 1:
But you know, if you wanted to join a gym, how about that? Yeah, Well, I'd love to learn different things. I just don't want to get back in the classroom. Yeah, we've got enough degrees, we're good, so yeah.
Speaker 2:
All right, let's move on to the fifth thing All right, and that is love them the way they want to be loved. So, we've done shows about love, languages and things like that, and this is where you know if it's my teammate. Again, they're doing a slightly different job. They see the team operating and their job functioning differently, and so what they may need may be very different than the other guy right.
Speaker 2:
If I'm on a team and one guy on the team, if I have a soccer team and the guy up front is running miles and miles and miles and the guy back at the goalie is not running at all. A soccer team and the guy up front is running miles and miles and miles and the guy back at the goalie is not running at all, I better make sure the guy who's running a lot is getting more water.
Speaker 2:
Right, he needs more to keep doing his job and so this is that idea of taking care of people the way they want and need to be taken care of.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I'll never forget, growing up, my best friend across the street. Her dad was a father of seven. He was a pipe fitter and he would come home and he had a really physically tough day and so his whole family knew he needed about 15 minutes to lay.
Speaker 1:
He just would strip all of his dirty clothes down to his t-shirt and his pants and would lay in the foyer of the their, their, house yep and everybody knew to let mr merton just like have a break right, but mrs merton knew like that's what he needed, to kind of be refreshed, yeah, and I just love that, I, I have this vision because he had this big belly and we just lay down there I just love and that family. But that couple knew what each other needed to be loved and, like you coming home when I was a stay at home mom, when you come home from teaching, you needed a run. Right Now we worked it out that we got a jogging stroller and you took a took a child with you.
Speaker 2:
I took two kids. I loved it.
Speaker 1:
But, but you needed that to be present for our family, and so we had to work together on how do we make that work as a young couple.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, and that's just good stuff, like, okay, what do you need, how do we accommodate it? And it's a we right, and so we go back and forth. You like some of your quiet time, you like some of your reading time. And like I'm never offended when you say I just feel like I want to go back into my chair and just read and chill. I'm like, yeah, knock yourself out, because it brings out the better version of.
Speaker 1:
Linda, it did take 18 years for you to set a space to have my reading chair in my room.
Speaker 2:
Hey, you know, I would love that 18 years.
Speaker 1:
I didn't think it would ever fit in the room I had to get rid of a piece of furniture. Yeah, as it is like I'll put a lawn chair in there, but you know, ask them how they want to be loved and, as a spouse, like you have to tell them. Don't assume they know or they shouldn't know, or they can read my mind or like I think I know. Like, ask them like what would make you feel loved.
Speaker 1:
It's your birthday coming up. What would you like? You might think it's that they want to go off and, you know, go out to dinner, and they might want to go to the spa by themselves. You know, so love them the way they want to be loved. That's a good one.
Speaker 2:
The sixth point and it's a six because we want to spend the right time on it, right? It is really the foundation. I mean, everything else we talked about is good and great, right, but this is really the thing that allows you to understand why you're going to do these things. And this is make Christ your cornerstone. Another way of saying that is do you have a common foundation? Are you operating off of the same values, you know? Have you come together?
Speaker 2:
You say you're on the same team but do you approach the game the same way with the same rules, right. And so if we're playing a game and we call it the same game, but we operate under different rules, it's really going to be confusing. We're going to step on each other's toes, and so this is that idea of coming to that commonness, of saying, hey, how are we going to operate? And this is where, at Rock Solid Families, we say well, we're going to let Christ in the way of Christ.
Speaker 1:
Okay, the word that's going to dictate how we operate. Yeah, so make Christ your cornerstone, build a foundation that's the foundation of Rock Solid Families right, practice forgiveness and grace. You know it's hard when somebody's hurt you, it's hard to let go, and this is a huge one, hund. That really gets couples stuck a lot in that negative loop is that they're not willing to let go of something that happened six months ago, before they came in our office, before they found Christ, and they want to hold on to those grudges and that unforgiveness and it just builds the resentment and the bitterness, and so you always look for that speck in your partner's eye instead of realizing man, I've got work to do to let go of the past and be able to move forward and bring out the best in our spouse and our marriage and our family and really get something maybe you've never had before.
Speaker 1:
An old saying if you go around the same tree, you're going to keep picking up the same apples. And so we're trying to give you a chance to go around a different tree and pick up something maybe you've never experienced before.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I think forgiveness it gets the difficulty of it gets sort of just pushed to the side. We say, oh, you need to forgive that person, and in our work we find out how actually difficult it is because when people are hurt, they have a wound that reminds them and they feel very justified. You see, this scar here it's because of you and they can connect that wound, that scar, to a particular person or event scar to a particular person or event and and so that colors everything they do with that person and the forgiveness right.
Speaker 2:
And to release, to finally get rid of all the scar tissue right, To release it. You actually have to, you have to break the scar tissue. You have to tear it and you have to say, listen, I'm now free again. And that's a tough, tough thing to do, right, but in doing it you will move better.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, you know, there's an old saying about unforgiveness.
Speaker 1:
Unforgiveness is like you drinking the poison and waiting for your spouse to die or the other person to die, and so if you want to bring out the best in your spouse, you might be like I need them to be sorry for what they did and I need to browbeat them for what they did and I need them to forgive, you know, or to ask for forgiveness Like no, this is for you. This brings out the best in you. If you're cause man, you can see a mile away somebody who has holding and grudges and unforgiveness like they just spit nails.
Speaker 1:
They walk in my door all the time and it's like woo man that is ugly, and so that's the best for you is to let go, and I know it's not easy, I know you've been hurt. It doesn't justify what they did. It doesn't let them off the hook. It literally lets you off the hook. So if you're struggling with that, get help, come see us, Give us a call. We would love to walk alongside you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, not not always, but, um, oftentimes when we have. I work with a lot of men and when they come in and one of the things that they write, the problem that they're struggling with is anger. Um, if I know that that's a significant problem and it's interfering with their life, I know that there's some. At some point in time there's trauma enough that they can't forgive, and the way that they've gotten through life is to harden up and be tough, and they have a little bit of success with that right.
Speaker 2:
Rather than being able to control somebody or something or intimidate, and so they become the master of it. And they start to recognize like this is how I work. This is me. Accept me for who? I am, and it's like you know, we know in our work. It's like there's a good chance, there's a good chance that that's not really in your core of wanting to be an angry person. You just haven't learned that you've got a wound and you. The scar tissue is still restricting you and holding you back. You're not free from it.
Speaker 1:
So it's important to work through that and I'm to say, a lot of times you're angry at the wrong person.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you direct it to anyone.
Speaker 1:
Your partner is the whipping post for something that is a deeper wound that you've never healed, right. You've never reconciled, and so the closest person that you are vulnerable with gets the worst. And so please, please, bring out the best in yourself, get help to heal that wound so that you're in a healthy place for your relationships.
Speaker 2:
Last thing we want to say on coming together. You know, in the world of the cornerstone of crisis, practicing praying together and we've said this so many times but the idea that we pray together, we know each other has a prayer life, we pray out loud with each other, and not just scripted prayer, but prayer from the heart, because it just exposes a whole, never another level of depth to what's actually going on inside of that person's mind and body.
Speaker 2:
And so learning to pray together. That could be awkward and weird for many couples at first but, like all practices, once you practice it it becomes part of the norm, and so we strongly, strongly encourage couples to start praying together and being in that deeper, intimate circle.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I'm sure you've heard it if you've listened to any of our shows that couples who pray together on a regular basis they are 0.1, actually it's less than 1% divorce, because it's hard to be mad, it's hard to lie when you're praying regularly with somebody. So it builds that intimacy. So what we try to do is just give you some practical things for relationships, especially your marriage, to really build into that relationship, to bring out the best in that other person, and so we're really hoping that you wrote these down. Maybe you'll listen to it again and if you need help with this this is what we do every day. We would love for you to reach out to us at rocksolidfamiliesorg or you can call our office at 812-576-ROCK. That's 812-576-7625.
Speaker 2:
Here's a simple start this week, a very simple start. Be very intentional this week to compliment your spouse. Just start there. Look for good, compliment your spouse in a way that you haven't typically done. All right, be authentic about it. Don't be fake and just throwing compliments around that are valueless. All right, but just compliment and bring something to the surface that you've recognized and bring it out and let them know that you've seen it. All right, and just start that new habit of saying hey, thank you, I appreciate what you've done.
Speaker 1:
This is good yeah, so thank you honey.
Speaker 2:
Thank you.
Speaker 1:
Thank you for all you do. I'm so thankful, I'm blessed, and I believe that you could be that in that relationship too, where you value one another, you encourage one another, you're thankful for one another, and that's how we bring out the best in our spouse. So thank you so much for listening to the Rock Solid Families podcast. Building a stronger community, one family at a time. Make it a great day. Rock Solid Families would like to thank Hoosier Ice House for being a proud sponsor of the Rock Solid Families podcast. In the heart of historic Lawrenceburg, indiana, the Ice House is at the corner of Vine and High Streets. The historic building evokes a feeling of comfort, with spacious indoor and outdoor dining, a large bar and comfortable dining areas, large enough to host parties, yet intimate enough to feel like your favorite neighborhood restaurant. So thank you again for the Hoosier Ice House for sponsoring the Rock Salad Families Podcast.
