Welcome to episode two in the Coach Yourself series and this week is all about people pleasing. Bre recorded an episode on people pleasing almost 3 years ago and still to this day, it’s one of the most downloaded episodes of all time.
It’s still an issue that so many people live with and so, with 3 years’ worth of NEW knowledge under her belt, Bre is revisiting the topic and she has a lot to say.
Tune in to hear her chat about:
👍 How people pleasing can show up
👍 Reasons WHY you might be doing it
👍 What happens afterwards
👍 What to do about it
This is a really in depth conversation about the different reasons for, aspects of and results from people pleasing with some really tangible advice to implement if you’re ready to stop people pleasing.
As always, if you loved this episode, be sure to take a screenshot and let us know by tagging @iambreannamay in your stories.
Be sure to hop on the waitlist for the upcoming round of LUL launching very soon!
If you're a coach and are interested in joining the first ever cohort of The Mind School Method, hop on the waitlist here.
Welcome to episode two in the Coach Yourself series and this week is all about people pleasing. Bre recorded an episode on people pleasing almost 3 years ago and still to this day, it’s one of the most downloaded episodes of all time.
It’s still an issue that so many people live with and so, with 3 years’ worth of NEW knowledge under her belt, Bre is revisiting the topic and she has a lot to say.
Tune in to hear her chat about:
👍 How people pleasing can show up
👍 Reasons WHY you might be doing it
👍 What happens afterwards
👍 What to do about it
This is a really in depth conversation about the different reasons for, aspects of and results from people pleasing with some really tangible advice to implement if you’re ready to stop people pleasing.
As always, if you loved this episode, be sure to take a screenshot and let us know by tagging @iambreannamay in your stories.
Be sure to hop on the waitlist for the upcoming round of LUL launching very soon!
If you're a coach and are interested in joining the first ever cohort of The Mind School Method, hop on the waitlist here.
Welcome to the mind school, the classroom for your mind and soul where we design our lives from the inside out. He will find a human first approach to life, business and relationships to create freedom, growth and constant evolution through mindset, emotional intelligence, leadership and connection to self. I'm your host, Breanna Mae, educator, CEO, mindset and business mentor. And my mission is to teach the things we were never taught at school, so that no dream is left on the pillow and no purpose left unfulfilled. Here, you can expect a lot of laughs and thought provoking conversation as we squeezed every drop of juice from this beautiful, precious, crazy thing called life. Hello, welcome back to the mind school Podcast. I'm very, very, very happy to be here. I've got Simba, my new dog guys. I've got my new little puppy sitting on my lap. And he's currently a little bit confused as to why I've just started talking into a microphone, but we'll see how we go. I'm really excited about this coach yourself series. It's something that I think is going to be so so powerful. Obviously, my intention with this podcast, and with all of the things that I teach and coach on is that you become someone who can empower yourself so that you don't rely on or need the magic from somewhere else. You don't need the book to tell you you don't need the mentor to tell you you don't need the spiritual healer. You don't need the Reiki. You don't need the Kinesiology like you've got all the answers and the tools to use yourself so that you become the power. And this episode today is actually because so you'll see from the title, it's all about people pleasing. I did a podcast episode a years ago now on people pleasing, and it still remains my most downloaded episode ever. And I think that that's because it's something that so many people actually struggle with. So I wanted to speak about it from today. But it's from a very new lens. And obviously I recorded it years ago, I'm sure it's great. I haven't listened back to it. I'm sure it was great. But obviously in the last few years I've evolved, I've studied more I have new approaches, I have new perspectives. And I wanted to speak to it from a new lens, particularly since I've been studying and have studied for quite some time now in shadow work. And I see people pleasing with a kind of new perspective. So I wanted to really dive into it. But before I do, I want to share the most fucking insane giveaway that I am running all of February. And I'm only releasing this to podcast listeners. This is not something I'm going to share in my emails. This is not something I'm going to share on my Instagram. This is just for you as my podcast community as a listener and supporter of this podcast. And that is a giveaway that celebrates Mother's Day month, it's my birthday month. And I just February's good, February is a good time to be alive. I mean, it's our wedding anniversary, and it's my birthday and I have a new puppy which I just can't get over. But to celebrate my birthday, what I am doing is I am going to be giving to one listener of this podcast a whole year, as in all of 2024 in my world with absolute free access to every course and master class that I released for 2024. And I can tell you, it is a lot there is a lot a lot a lot coming this year. So that will include level up it will not include the main school method that will include all the master classes it will include level up, it will include some new things that I will not say yet, but a very, very exciting, it will include masterclasses and there's already three on the agenda three on the list. And so all you need to do is leave a review on Spotify or Apple, send it to me and share this podcast to your stories and tag me. So it's two things. It's sharing this to your stories and tagging me and leaving a review on Apple or iTunes and sending us a screenshot. If you've already done it, then be creative and use somebody else's email, use somebody else's email to create a new one. And I will put you in the drawer again. This is just so so so exciting. And like I said it's to celebrate my birthday. And to give back to my podcast community specifically, because I'm going into my third or fourth, third or fourth season of the pod. I don't actually know. And there's some of you I know who have been listening for years and there's some new people here too, who I would love to celebrate and thank you for supporting the podcast. So that's the February that's gonna be running all of February and diesel and I will announce the winner. On the next episode of recess at the very beginning of March. So, before I dive in one other thing that I want to talk about is obviously this is the coach yourself series. And like I said, my plan my intention, my my hope is that this is a place where you learn tools to practically apply. But more than that, a way of thinking that allows you to be really in control of your life to be the creator of your life and not just a passive passenger, but more an active participant and creator. And so I wanted to do the coach yourself series. This is a lot of the things a lot of the perspectives a lot of the tools that we learn inside of level up your life. And the mind school method, which is going to be opening for enrollment at the end of this month is for those of you who want to coach others. So if you are somebody who works with other humans, if you're a coach, if you're an aspiring coach, if you are an educator, a leader or consultant if you work with humans, and you want to impact and influence others through coaching techniques, through your skill set through being unstuck, being an unstoppable force yourself and then having a big toolkit to empower others, then the mind school method will be for you. It is a certification, which I will be doing a whole other episode on. It is a certification which will give you the toolkit, which teaches your mindset NLP Shadow Work emotional intelligence, rapport building communication techniques, like the whole shebang, a whole decade of my experience put into one incredible, like, insane, first of its kind certification, nobody else does something like this. And as a founding member, those who join as a founding member, it is honestly fucking insane out of this world value. So if that is something you're interested in, you can hit me up in Instagram for questions if you've got any. And you can also go to the link in the show notes to put your name on the waitlist. There's nearly 100 people on the waitlist now. And I can only take 20 people for the first cohort. So if you want to coach others, impact others, lead others, that is the place for you. And if you are still learning how to master yourself, if you are a little bit stuck, if you are getting in your own way, then level up your life is for you. And that is coming soon too. And the waitlist again is in the show notes. So let's get into today's episode, which is all about people pleasing. So I don't need to tell you what people pleasing is I'm sure you know what it is. And one of the interesting things is that, like, I don't actually identify as a people pleaser. But in saying that, I know that there are opportunities and areas where I can see in small, tiny, little nuanced ways that it can play out. And I'm always clocking where it's present. So I want to mention that people pleasing can be like the really big things that we you know, the obvious things like when you stay in a job that you actually fucking hate, because you know that it makes your parents happy. Or you know that your partner thinks you should, or you know that it's ticked and approved by society, it could come out in big things like going home with someone and having sex with them, even though your whole body says no, and you don't actually want to, but you don't know how to assert that. No, it could be like letting people actually treat you poorly. It could be like being disrespected or humiliated, and laughing along with it, like not speaking up, like it can be those big things, where you just feel like you're always allowing people to treat you in ways that doesn't actually feel good to you, or your life is feeling like it's for everybody else, because you're still really trying to please others. And that has huge impacts huge, huge, huge impacts, which, obviously, you know, it impacts your happiness, your satisfaction, it's your fucking life. Like, I obviously get very wound up about this because I truly believe that the only thing we're given that we can never give back is our time. And if we don't enjoy the way we're spending our time, because we're spending our time in a way that's to please other people. That's not a life well spent. And so, of course it has impacts on you. But it also impacts your relationships. It impacts your relationships, it impacts your physical health, it impacts so much to be people pleasing. And that's why I think this is a really important conversation. But also people pleasing can show can show up in these smaller kind of hidden ways that are a little bit nuanced, and that aren't as easy to spot. And this is where it could be little things like if you have a business and you go to write a real spicy piece of content, but then you find yourself sort of holding back because or that words a little bit too confronting or this might actually people might disagree with me. And so you kind of water yourself down a little bit. That can be a form of people pleasing, or even if it's like you're a coach or maybe you work with humans and rather than this Seeing something that you know, your client or the human in front of you actually needs to hear because it's for their highest good, but it might be uncomfortable. Rather than saying it, you actually just let them you sort of turn a blind eye because you're like, ah, I'd rather opt for being liked, then giving them what they actually need, and letting them have their own process with that for a moment. It could be things like, if you have a business, letting clients run the show, like your, you don't really even pay attention to your own time boundaries. And every single session maybe goes over time, or clients don't show up and you let them rebook or clients don't pay. And you still go ahead with the session. Like you're letting clients, you're people pleasing your clients, and you're letting them run the show. It could be little things like, you know, out and about laughing at things that you actually find it offensive, but just going along with the laughter, it's these tiny little things, saying, Yes, I'll do that, yes, putting your hand up. Or if someone asks you, if you want to go somewhere, you say, yes. If someone says, What do you want to do, you're like, I don't mind, I'm chill, I'll go with the flow. It's this real like, sort of frequency of sacrificing itself sacrifice, because you want to keep the peace, because you want to make sure that you're being liked. You want to make sure that everything between you and another person is kosher, there's no weird frequency, you want to make sure that you're being perceived as a good person. And so why you're actually doing it can be so many different reasons. And of course, every unique case, every human has a unique background and set of circumstances and upbringing and childhood and memories which contribute to how safe we feel, to speak up to use our voice to say our truth, to say what we need to be someone who actually will not self sacrifice, we all have varying degrees of tolerance. And that, like I said, is really dependent on you. And each case is different. So there's lots of reasons you might be doing it. And I'm going to go through a few reasons why you might be doing it purely so that it makes logical sense to you. And you can see the cause. However, I'm also very big on you don't always need to know why you're doing things. We don't need to go down this huge rabbit hole all the time and distract ourselves in like this quest for all why am I like this? What happened in my childhood? What can I unpack? Why am I lalalala, what's actually really important is, oh, I can see that I can I'm doing this thing. And now I'm going to choose differently. That's actually how easy it gets to be. What I've seen happen in the personal development space and the mindset space in the coaching space is that we can spend a long time being distracted in going back and trawling through memories, and then some people become a victim to the past. Some people use the childhood, the memory, the experience, as a reason and a justification for why a behaviour or pattern can occur. As opposed to going, Ah, I've seen this pattern that I no longer want to hold on to, I've seen this behaviour that no longer serves me. And I'm actually just going to choose differently. And it doesn't matter where it came from, or why what matters is how I want to respond to it and what I'm going to choose now. So with that in mind, I will go through just a few little ways or reasons that you might be doing it. And you might just find this quite validating. But also, like I said, it's not about needing to know why and especially not about our I don't feel it's not about blame and victimhood it's never about a poor me, I don't get to I feel very unsafe to have confrontation because my dad never allowed me to blah, or poor me, I was always praised for being a good girl, and therefore it's my parents fault, or or whatever. It's not that is just never the vibe, it's never the frequency. However, sometimes when you understand why things play out, it helps you to actually not go into why am I like this, I'm broken. It's some fault in me, it actually makes perfect logical sense why you are the way you are, and anyone else who went through the same things as you would probably have the exact same patterns. So for that reason, it can be quite empowering. But like I said, it's really more about what you choose to do with it and how you want to respond. So obviously there is all of the obvious and kind of societal reasons why we people please and for a lot of women in particular, the conditioning starts really young, right? We hear about being the good girl, like oh, good girl, you're being such a good girl. We always praise little girls who, you know, do as they're told they put their hand up in class. They're very polite, they help other people. We hear language which is praised in society about being selfless, like how often do we glamorise As and hold up in high regard humans who are selfless humans who sacrifice their needs. For others, it's actually painted in a really positive light, which I find very fucking interesting. Because to me, self sacrifice and martyrdom is actually a breeding ground for resent. And I don't think it's always a very healthy thing. So obviously, there's the larger societal things about being good about sacrifice about being selfless as a really positive thing. But also, you might have grown up in a childhood or in an environment where you were praised for how good you were how much you helped people, you might have got all of your praise and started to create a bit of an identity around being the person who thinks about everybody else, you might have grown up in a family where using your voice asking questions, or any kind of confrontation was actually not normalised. And therefore, confrontation or speaking up feels like an extreme edge for you. It might be that you were actually punished for being selfish, punished for not helping punished for asking questions, putting your needs first, etc. And so what happens then is that it doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel safe at all, for you to quit people pleasing and start putting your needs first. So there's also a whole other sort of realm where, if you've experienced a traumatic childhood, if you've had lots of traumatic experiences, as we know, we respond to trauma in many different ways, everybody is different. Everybody even has a different response to traumatic experiences, because for some people, a traumatic experience will create a fight response, which is where exactly as the name suggests, it's that like, defensive energy, it's this real, aggravated agitated, defensive, I'm going to fight this situation, other people will freeze where they'll shut down, and they won't be able to respond. And then there is the foreign response, which is another response to trauma, which is to be hyper, hyper vigilant, and to be able to, and I want to say, which I'll get to in a moment, every single response, every mechanism, coping mechanism, it's exactly that it's a coping mechanism, and it's worked to help you cope. Sometimes if we want to look at it through this lens, the way that we've responded to traumas in the past, even if it is to form and to form is to be hyper vigilant to be assessing all scenarios and micro gestures for changes in energy. And what that does is it allows you to be who you need to be to not have to experience abuse, trauma, etc. So what you do is you become very, very, very good at reading energies at being who you need to be at, at people pleasing, essentially, as a trauma response, which is a protection mechanism. So that you don't have to experience that same circumstance again. So again, it can actually be an is a coping mechanism. And if you look at the Golden side, or the positive of having developed people pleasing and forming as a response, you are, you are probably someone who's developed an incredible skill set at reading energies, you're probably highly empathetic, you're probably someone who can tell what other people need and want. And of course, there is some great parts to this. It's not about everything about people pleasing is terrible. If you have developed this as a mechanism, there's probably some pieces of it that's actually strengthened to some of your skills and techniques in reading humans. And so we can look at it that way. But then we can decide to take what's good and to discard what what's no longer serving us. And so, like I said, there's lots and lots and lots of different, what reasons why you might be doing it. But as I said at the beginning, it's this is more about, okay, but how is it serving you? What happens after? And is it time to start to create some space between your conditioned response, which is to automatically say yes, or to automatically go along along with things or to automatically do what's expected? Is it time to create some space between your automatic behaviour and what you want to choose differently? So what do you actually need to do about it? So, first of all, I want to speak to something which might actually just help you to reframe, or to see this behaviour for what it actually is and what it actually does. So while it might feel like and seem like on the on the outside looking in, or that person so selfless, that person Psalm does so much for everybody else, that person, you know, etc, etc. What's going on for the people pleaser most of the time internally is that they are consistently disregarding their own needs. They are consistently disregarding their own voice. They are consistently overstepping their own internal boundaries. And what usually happens after a period of time is that the behaviour and the people pleasing becomes a breeding ground for resent. And this person is usually resenting the people that they're helping the people that they are conforming to, for example, if you always do what your parents expected of you, eventually you are going to resent them for that. If you have a partner who consistent who you allow to consistently overstep the line, if you consistently do things outside of what feels good to you, because you're trying to keep that person happy. Eventually you resent that person. You resent the boss, who you keep saying yes to. So what actually happens is, people pleasers are usually harbouring a whole lot of underlying resent, and that creates a loop where people expect you to continue behaving the same way. So there is an expectation, there's an energy of expectation, which then creates more resent. And then it's perpetuated by the fact that you keep actually saying yes, despite the fact that it's feeling like an expectation, and it's feeling like an obligation. So there's expectation present, there's resent present. And eventually, in the long term, this can lead to relationship breakdowns, it can lead to burnout, it can lead to a sense of like, Who the fuck am I, what am I doing, I don't even know who I am. Because I'm just whoever I need to be. For other people. Like I said, the results are quite dramatic. And in the end, it actually isn't helpful or beneficial to any of the people that you're claiming to want to please, you're saying you want to please these people, but actually, you're probably resenting these people, and possibly resenting yourself. And so it's actually not the kind thing to do. We think of pleasing others saying yes to others going along with it as sometimes the kind are good thing to do. But long term, it's not, they don't get the best version of you, they get the tired version of you, they get the resentful version of you, they get that the version of you that's watered down, that's not their true self, that an authentic version of you, because you're trying to be someone that you're not and ultimately, nobody wins because resent is present expectation is present, and honestly, tiredness. And so let's actually start to get into what to do about it and and some reframes. And some things that you can ponder and contemplate, so that this is something that you can start to observe and then choose differently. So when we look at this from the Shadow Work lens, there's a few things that can be happening, or a few things just to bring our awareness to. So all of us have got a way that we like to be perceived by the world, we show certain parts of ourselves to different people, we present ourselves in a way that is aligned with what we have been told is the most palatable or likeable, or what will make sure that we get love and attention and we belong. So we've all developed our own persona, we've all developed a concept of ourselves, or a construct of ourselves that we present to the world. And what usually is happening is that, underneath that construct, there are some truths lurking in the background that we are not comfortable showing to the world, because we've been told that that wouldn't be nice, that wouldn't be likeable. So say for example, you've created an identity. And for a lot of people, this is just truth in societal constructs. We've created an identity that we are good, we're good people, we're honest people, or we're helpful people, or maybe have created an identity around being the selfless person, the helpful person that go to for everybody, the Saviour, the person that everyone can go to, and you'll drop everything, maybe you've created a little bit of an identity around that. Maybe this is the way you like to present yourself to the world. Now what we actually need to do is start to bring our awareness to where am I actually not those things? Where am I actually on helpful, selfish, where am I actually putting my cell first and actually not caring? Because what happens is when we've created a construct around the kind of person that we want to be and that's been praised, we, we completely abandon the the darker parts of ourselves and we pretend and create Make this image that we could never be those things. I'm not selfish, I'm not selfless, I'm not whatever, etcetera, etcetera, whatever feels triggering for you, like if somebody said something about you that hit a fucking nerve. If somebody said something about you, when you use your voice or said, No, you can't help, or No, I don't want to do that, or No, I don't like that. If you think about what is the absolute worst thing somebody could call you, that is your work to do. Because where there is a trigger, there is something going on underneath, that you haven't made peace with peace with or that you're not willing to accept about yourself, that might actually still be present. And you have abandoned that part of yourself, you aren't willing to see that part of yourself. So you create space from it. And you create a construct of yourself, that you present to the world so that nobody could ever see that part of you. Because maybe in the past, you were taught that that part of you was wrong and bad, and was shunned and wasn't liked, and wouldn't belong. So if you were somebody who was shunned, who couldn't belong, who wasn't loved or praised, when you were selfish, you will create a whole persona around being a self selfless person. And you would be absolutely distraught for people to think that you were that thing for people to call you that. Because your conditioning would say, not safe. Nobody will love me, I won't be loved. Make sure people perceive me as selfless. Make sure I'm perceived as selfless. So really, it comes down to just want to belong. But what you'll do is, like I said, create this construct, create this concept, because you are actually scared shitless that somebody might perceive you as insert blank. This is where we start to see the shadow work we need to do and what's driving our behaviour of self sacrifice. And because of the way we want to be perceived. So I ask you to ask yourself, What is the worst thing someone could say about me? How would I hate to be perceived, and how you actually take the energy, and all of the emotional, like, the emotional charge of those words, how you take it out, is you start to make peace with those parts of yourself. So for example, I genuinely and quite openly call myself selfish, like I am a very selfish person, I actually, if anything, take pride in it. Because I know that being selfish is the best thing I can do protecting my energy, speaking my truth, saying what I want doing what I want. That is what makes me the best version of myself to everybody that I know and love. But also because I don't care if someone calls me selfish. I have no problem saying now sorry, I don't want to go to that. I'm busy doing nothing at home. Now. Sorry, I actually don't want to come to that I really want to read my book, or actually, no, this doesn't feel good to me. I'm sorry, I'm not going to continue this package. I don't really have any worries saying it. Because if someone was to turn around and say, Oh, well, that's really selfish. I'd be like, Yeah, that's cool. That's fine. And because I've made peace with all parts of meat, well, not all. That's not happened. You know, there's a lot a lot a lot of I don't think any human think it's a never ending journey. But I have done a lot of shadow work on the selfishness word. And it just, there's no energetic charge. So I don't mind speaking up and letting people think that maybe I've made a selfish decision. Because I don't care. It doesn't impact me. So I'm able to say what I want for me, and speak my own truth and say what feels good to me. And obviously, this is the other part. Obviously, there's levels, right? I'm not saying that I've completely transcended people pleasing. And there's not still edges, where it feels scary to speak up where it feels vulnerable to say what I actually want to say. There's always edges, there's always levels, but I've done a lot of work to transcend, for example, staying in a job I don't like because maybe it would have made my parents proud or, like doing the promotion because it would have made the the boss VA like the boss would have liked it. But I actually didn't want it, you know, I transcended that a long time. There's always edges, there's always levels. It's about finding where your edge is, and leaning into it and starting to play around with where your current edges. So that's the part that first I want you to think about what is the worst thing someone could say about you? And is there a potential that you aren't willing to see how maybe That part is true? And that's okay. Maybe sometimes you are selfish, maybe sometimes you are rude. Maybe sometimes you are all of these quote bad things. But if you can take the energy out of even calling it bad and seeing the good in it, then you are going to completely remove the power from people calling you that so you won't mind saying what you need to say and stopping with the P people pleasing, because you've actually made peace with whatever decision they make about you. Because it's not about you. Right? And because you've made peace with it. So there's that just thinking about what is the part that I do not want to be called? How do I want to be perceived? And can I actually make peace with not being perceived that way, and MIT completely owning that part of me? So that's the first bit. Now something else I want to bring to this conversation around people pleasing, is that I would ask, what do I get to gain from continuing this cycle? of, you know, saying yes, overstepping my boundaries, letting people overstep, etc, etc, what do I get to gain from people pleasing, and this might be a very deep way of looking at it, but it's, it's true. What often happens, when we choose to continue people pleasing, what we actually get to gain is that we get to escape personal responsibility. And we get to, we get to avoid taking complete ownership of our lives. Because what happens when we consistently people, please, is that we usually, like I said, it's a breeding ground for resentment. When someone is consistently people pleasing, they actually usually end up resenting the person that they're trying to, quote, help, or, or please. And so the benefit of holding on to resent is often that when we hold on to resent, we get to blame other people for not being where we say we want to be, or I would, but I had to stop everything for this person, or I would, but I had to this person always asked me to do it, I would, but my boss, bla bla, bla, bla, bla, so we get to stay in a loop where we're resenting others, and therefore it's other people's problem. It's because of other people, that you're not where you want to be. It's other people. The resent gets to get pushed out at other people, you get to project that resent that dissatisfaction, that frustration, you get to push it out at other people, the ones who are putting the expectations on you, instead of completely taking responsibility and taking ownership of the fact that actually, the resent and the frustration is at myself, because I can't say no, because I aren't, I'm not putting my needs first. Because I have completely let other people ruin my life, we get to project all of that frustration out of the people were saying yes to, and that relieves us, it relieves us of what we actually need, which is self responsibility, and ownership of our decisions. And so sometimes there's a benefit to continuing this cycle. And sometimes it's that we get to relieve ourselves from ownership. Sometimes it's that we get to blame others instead of looking at where we can actually become powerful leaders of our lives. Sometimes it's purely a safety thing, like our nervous system genuinely feels like we will not survive, we will be cast aside, we will be shunned if we are speaking our truth. And like I said, sometimes it's because we've created a construct of ourselves, or that we have on some level decided is what we need to do to survive. And so there's a few things like I said, that you can do about that, which is to make peace of all parts of yourself, which is to see the cycle of blame and and resent and start to see how actually to dissolve this would be to have better quality relationships, and to start to trust yourself further. So how do you actually go about it, especially if it doesn't quite feel safe in your body and in your voice to speak up and to put yourself first is that you start small, you really start small. And you see opportunities where you can feel what you want to say or do but you do the opposite. And you consistently over time, bring your awareness to it and choose something different. And you start really, really, really small. And it might just be having a few phrases in your back pocket that you use all the time. Things like are actually can I get back to you on that? So just noticing how your automatic response is? Yeah, sure. No worries. Oh, yes, I can do that. Or Yep, that sounds good. Just noticing where your automatic responses and creating a different response to give you space to check in with yourself. So it might be when you notice the automatic response use just say, can you just give me a few days to check my daughter and get back to it can be that simple. And then it gets to be Hey, I've looked at my schedule or I've looked at how this feels and it's just not the right timing. And what you will find And and this is even a great reframe in itself is that when you transcend all of this people pleasing patterns, what actually happens is that you become a very fucking trustworthy person, you become so trustworthy, because people trust that you will say what you mean and mean what you say, there's no second guessing. There's none of this. Yeah, I'm fine. No, honestly, I'm fine. There's that you can sense underneath that you're not you know, that frequency of like, I'm fine. But actually, you're not. When you are someone who says what you mean and mean what you say, people trust you. And so it's actually about seeing this as an opportunity to be an even more authentic person who values honesty. If you can start to reframe speaking up speaking your truth, saying what you need, asserting your boundaries, if you can start to see that as you being authentic, as you're being honest, as you being a safe person, for others to be around as you actually putting your needs first, so that you can serve everybody around you, so that you clear the energy and there's no resent, so that you can clear the energy and there's no expectation and obligation, then everyone trusts you, your relationships flourish, you trust yourself, people actually want to be around you, because they sense that you're a very autonomous and sovereign leader. And that's a very, very, very magnetic place to be people feel that power. And ultimately, people stop overstepping your power, because they sense that you're no longer available to it. And I want to say, this has huge impacts in your business, because it's a personal power thing. When you start to transcend people pleasing, and you stand in your power, and you speak your truth, and you say what you want to say, and you don't water things down, and you don't mind how you're perceived. Because you've made peace with yourself, you become a match to very powerful human beings, because you're self led, it's really a personal power thing. And so, like I said, everybody does this in some degree, or everybody is working out where their edges are, and stepping into more and more and more power. And I think that the journey never stops. And it's not about you being wrong, or you being broken, or some issue or pattern that nobody else has or understands. It's not that at all. It's about bringing curiosity to your patterns, and really checking in with yourself, before you say yes, checking in with yourself before you water things down. It's about self awareness to really see what's underneath the behaviour so that you can get to know yourself more. And it's about just consistently finding your edge so that you can transcend and evolve to your next place and become even more empowered in creating your life, and being the kind of person who you trust to create any circumstance, because you no longer live through the lens of what others want to view. And I think that's the most beautiful path to choose a life that is yours, a life that feels good to you. And you know, before I wrap up, this always reminds me this conversation, it always reminds me of one of my favourite books that I recommend to every single human. And that is Top Five Regrets of the Dying. If you read Top Five Regrets of the Dying, which is exactly as the name suggests, one of the top regrets of people who are dying is that they wish they'd had the courage to live a life that was true to themselves. And this is huge. When you people, please you're not living in a way that's true to you. It's not honest. It's not authentic. It's not genuine. It's a breeding ground for resent. And it's a breeding ground for a life with regrets. And that is what I don't want for anyone listening to this podcast. And so I hope that this episode gives you a few things to think about a way that you can sort of start to question your actions and behaviours, and an encouraging sort of take home to lean into your edge where it feels a little bit edgy, to speak up and to be authentic, and to practice with small, small, small steps. So that's all for today. I will be back next week with another of the coach yourself series. Please make sure that if you wanted to get into the February giveaway, the birthday celebration for podcast listeners, tag me and this podcast, leave a review share it with us and you will go in the draw to win a whole year in my world. And it is going to be a fucking phenomenal year I can feel it. There's so much exciting stuff on the agenda. So I've got you covered for 2024 If you would like to go into that drawer, and that is all for me. Have a brilliant day wherever you are. And I will see you next week. Bye. Thank you for tuning in to the mind school podcast. It is a massive intention of mine to continue to grow this show. Because the more the show grows, the better the guests get. And I know that is going to be so powerful for you You listening. So if I could ask this massive favour it would mean the world if you could please leave a review, hit the Follow button or leave a rating on Spotify so that we can continue to grow this show and bring you the juiciest, most thought provoking and expansive conversations through incredible guests. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'll see you next week.