Sex With My Partner Sucks

This week, we have two listener questions to discuss.

First up, a man writes that his wife "let herself of" and doesn't seem to try to be sexy anymore.

Next, a woman writes in that sex with her partner sucks. He is terrible at pleasuring her. 

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Tim McGinnis
Nicky McGinnis

Transcript

Welcome to the Besties in Bed podcast with Tim and Nicky, a married couple chatting about their adventures in life and marriage. Please be advised that our bed is not always work or kid friendly, but we'll leave that decision up to you.

Welcome to Best Besties in Bed. I'm Tim, I'm Nicky. You know when we, I was just noticing when we said that together, it kind of like, okay. Try it again. Welcome, welcome to Best Besties in Bed. Did you hear it? No. What sounds weird? I don't know. It just sounds like, you know, like different than any other time.

Yeah, no, it always sounds that way. . All right, so what topic do you have for me today? Let's like, get into this. Wait, look at what, what? I just know you have a question for me or something? No, I do, I have, I have two questions again, two. First, oh gosh. We had a grocery store experience where , I was almost line back tackled

Yeah. I was almost tackled by an old lady with a mask around her chin. No, no, no. A little old lady. Like she was, yeah, tell the story. She was like a tiny little thing. Okay, so we're at the grocery store and it's got self-checkout, which is like literally the best thing. So we're going up to one of the self checkouts and Tom pulls out the receipt that was stuck in the little thing and he was.

Somebody left the receipt, do you want this receipt? And I'm like, well yeah, sure, I'll take the receipt. I scan it on Dutch app. So I'm like, yeah, I mean, you know, I'm like, okay, whatever. That doesn't matter. We need to get the receipt out of the little thingy so that Right. So he was like moving it. Our receipt could be there.

He was either gonna throw it away or say, here do you want it? So I was like, okay. And, but then I heard this lady coming up behind him yelling and like she was going, you, you finished this part cuz it was hilarious. You've got my receipt. And I had to back off the microphone to say that, oh, it was so bad, my seat.

She just comes running and she's like, and I'm like, and I'm pointing at Tim because I see her coming up and it's behind Tim. Like she is going to tackle him into his cart and onto the like, Checkout area. Yeah. And I'm, and she came waddling up. Receipt, receipt, receipt. And I'm like, she wants it. Like I didn't even get it in my hand before.

It's like, I'm not stealing your receipt, your receipt's in my way, . It was like an $8 receipt. Okay. Yes, it was an $8 receipt. I have no idea what was on it, but it was in my way and I had to move it. Yeah. So she was like, I need my receipt and I need it like pronto. So anyways, he like gave her the receipt and she had her mask all the way down to like only covering the very tippy tip of her top lip, right?

So most people around here don't wear masks. No. I mean, do people anywhere wear a mask anymore? I don't know. I don't know. But if you're going to, but you wear a mask, but if you're going to wear it properly, I mean, what is the point mean? What are you keeping? Your chin beard, your Lady chin beard off my  Lady Chin beard.

No, I don't know. I was just like, oh, oh Lord, you about to get tackle buddy. Better give up time receipt. And then, and then before that, the other night on Thursday, Wednesday, or Thursday, we had the kids over for dinner and two of 'em were leaving. They're turning the deadbolt, but the deadbolt bolt is still in there.

Uhhuh. It won't move. It's stuck. It's stuck in the wall. , we couldn't get out of the house through the front door. We couldn't get in the house through the front door. We were literally, yeah, stuck inside. It was after closing f after the closing for the hardware store, so I couldn't go get a new one. So I had to run to Walmart to get a cheap walk at least, so the door could be securely closed for.

Yes, and I did, and the lock sucked. Oh, big target. It was wobbly, it was , whatever. It was very teny like real cheap. So like 20 bucks you switch. So we had one yesterday. We went and bought one a, a, a real one, and had it re-keyed to our old keys so that we didn't have to get 50 new keys made for everybody.

Exactly. Uh, today we put it on Nicky's, like let's just paint the door wallets off , which is a great idea because the door looks so much better. It does. But woo. Anyway, I know you guys do not care about our door adventures or our grocery shopping adventures. So we have two count them, two listener questions.

Let me bring up the first one. Are you ready? I am ready. Okay. My wife doesn't seem to try anymore to look. She dresses sloppy and seems to be letting herself go physically. How can I get her to dress sexy for me again and how can I get her to get back in shape? Oh, so she's not even in shape? No. Well, she's letting herself go.

Well, if she's not in shape, then she doesn't. So first of all, feel good. Let's tread lightly. I was gonna say, is this question directed at me ? Like, Hmm, why? You got you, got you. Are you feeling a certain way? No. You have a certain feels. No, but I'm just saying No, it is not directed at you. Why would, why would they eat me and ask about you?

No, but I'm just like, hmm, no. This is directed for like all men to all women  that have been married. It could go either way. Yeah. Okay. So, well, if she's definitely letting herself go, then she's not feeling so, you know, like great about herself. So to dress sexy or to do is not gonna make her feel, you know, she's not feeling the.

The mood. So, but, but why? I feel like that since she's let herself go, then you just kind of get in that rut of, well, I just don't feel like, I don't feel well, not that you don't feel well physically, but you just feel blood cuz you're like, you, you just feel fat. Let's just be real. You're like, oh, I'm kind of fat and I don't like this.

And so therefore you wear baggy clothes or plus you don't like it. Why don't you, why don't you do something? Some people just get in a rut and they just emotionally just don't feel like that they can go and do that. They're just like, eh, you don't have to go and do it. You can do it in your own house. I know, but I'm just, YouTube has some great videos.

I know, but some people are just not motivated to do that shit. Okay. . They just don't want to. So I guess what, I guess it would not be a good idea to say, Hey madam, Ms. Love of my life. Would you go to the gym? Hell no. You wanna your face slapped. Okay. Not a good idea. Well, then let's go. Okay, I got an idea.

What if he approaches it this way? What if he says, honey, I would like to make myself become, or I, I'd like to get myself into more shape, but I don't want to go along. Would you be willing to go with me so that I'm not alone at the gym and I. Work on myself. Sounds all great in theory, but is this person a workout person and not a, I don't think it matters.

You don't have to. I mean, . Well if this person, I'm saying if the husband's already in a healthy lifestyle and already doing those things, I don't know whether he is or not. I know, but I'm just saying. I mean, yes. Great. Yeah, this could great idea. Be two ways, guy. Yeah. I'm like, great idea. If he's not in shape and he could, y'all could do this together, that would be great.

But if he is in shape, then that's gonna look. Does that make sense? It's gonna be like, oh, I'm not feeling so good. Well, you work out three days a week already. So like, oh, I don't wanna go alone, but you're already doing it three days a week. Does that make sense? Yeah. You know, because like I was working out before you worked out, so for me to say that to you, it would've been like, um, what are you trying to say?

No, I'm just saying if you had approached me and said, Hey, , would you g I don't, I don't wanna do this by myself. Would you go with me so that I'm not, so, I don't feel weird being there by myself? And I would've probably said yes. Yeah, but I was already doing it by myself. Y I know, but I'm saying Right. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm, I think, I think that may, that may be his best option.

Maybe his best option. I agree. Especially if he's not working out, then it's gonna be a really good option. Absolutely. So I I, but you definitely cannot say, oh, you're looking fat . No. Now let's go back to the dressing sexy thing. Cause I think couples get, you mentioned the rut earlier. They get into a rut, they get comfortable, they quit trying.

Well, that's what I was gonna say. Like he needs to also be quarantine , which is such an old fashioned term, but he needs to be courting her to make her want to fill, because like you said, we get in a rut and it goes both ways that it's like, uh, you know? Right. She wants to be pursued, I guarantee you. Yeah.

No matter what. Right. Just like you want to be pursued by. Right. So you gotta maybe put in the fourth in effort first to see if you, she reciprocates, reciprocates, reciprocates. You know what I'm trying to say, right. Reciprocates bad. Um, you know, bring home flowers sometime. Not like a huge bouquet, just, you know, even like one or two or like a little thing.

Or her favorite, whatever. Not candy though, cuz if she's already back , that was so mean. , but yeah, that's so true. It's, but don't bring her home. Las Lasagna . You can bring me some lasagna. I was gonna say don't bring home lingerie, cuz that to me. Until you get to that, back to that point is gonna be, she's gonna be turned off.

Yeah. But what if he is turned on by her when she is dressed that way? I'm just saying, if you go in with that first thing, is what I'm saying. Mm-hmm.  go later on. But you can't go in that first thing like, oh, here's this, you know? She gonna be like, what the hell? Cause I, I. Guys are visual. I know guys are visual, but I am saying as a woman, you bring home lingerie as a first step for anything.

I'm gonna be like, dude, what's going on here? Like, you just wanting something? I don't know. It just comes off. Yeah. He is wanting something that's Oh, I know that. No, but it like comes off. He's a man. He's wanting something. No, it just comes off. Hopefully she's wanting something too. You get what I'm saying?

It's coming. It's not just. Disingenuine, it's not that, it's like comes off as slimy. I don't know how to describe it, but bringing home flowers or doing the dishes or like, for example, this woman, she may have three or four kids and she's. Fucking exhausted. Like she's tired at the end of the day dealing with this.

I don't know. She also might work nine to five. She also might work at home plus deal with children. I don't really know the situation, so if she's got all that on her, she don't really give two shits if her hair's in a bun and what clothes she has on, like, she's just like, I don't have to spit up on, on me right now.

Okay. We, we, we a hundred percent right now. It depends on the situation. There are so many variables into this. Yeah. I mean, my problem with that though is if, if she's content, not trying anymore, Well, she probably feels like he's content in not trying anymore. It would be my guess best bet cuz when I feel like when somebody gets content it's because they're both content.

and then you're not working on your marriage. Then you're just sitting there being content, which then turns into working on your divorce. Mm-hmm. . So you have to tread lightly and try to bring the flame and fire back and going straight into Las lasagna. Why do I keep doing that? Lingerie is not gonna be the thing.

Like you gotta do baby steps and then work your way into, yeah, a lingerie makes my mouth water. I know, but I'm saying you can't. It's like on the first date, you can't just whip out a condom. Be like, what dude? Like what the f No, buy me dinner and you know something first. Geez, that's what I'm trying to say.

Go through the McDonald's, drive-through and then whip out that condom, bro. , I'm telling you, but I'm saying you have to like, you know, like court her . I agree. Uh, I think I'm like work up to that. It sounds like they have been in a relationship for quite some. Yeah, I would say they are content with each other.

They're comfortable. Comfortable. They've quit trying to impress. Right. And I think that needs to be reversed. I think you should go on, I think you should have a regular date night. Oh yeah. Either weekly. At least at least monthly. Monthly? Yeah. I would say weekly or every biweekly. I would say less. More often than monthly.

Yeah. At least biweekly would try just the two of you. No kids. I'd have no idea if there are kids involved. But no kids. Just the two of you. Each of you, you know, dress, dress nice. I mean, you don't have to wear a suit, but dress up like you're trying to impress. Try to get her to wear makeup. So I think women probably can't talk , lasagna.

I think a lot of times women. I mean, if, if they have makeup on and, and they're in, in something that's sexy. I mean, I think it helps their overall mood. It makes 'em, it uplifts them. Yeah. Here, here's another thing that he could do is like, depending on if she's in a rut and always just been at home, hasn't really gone and got her hair done, hasn't gone and got her nails, it depends on if she's a nail like me going to get my nails done and be like, oh, okay, whatever.

But.  to go get your hair cut or trimmed or fixed, and he's like, here, I paid for this to get done. Or if he knows who her salon person is or if she doesn't even have one. You know, like, here, I would like you to go get your hair done and stuff like that. After you get your hair done, you always feel good. So that could Or a massage.

You get her a massage. Yeah. I mean that works too. If she's into that, definitely. Well, I mean, you aren't most women. Well, yeah. I mean, I Would you try to find a hot guy to make, give her a massages ? Well, I would. Then she may come home and jump your bones when you walk. No, I would feel uncomfortable with that though.

So why you want ugly people to give you a massage? No, I just like my girl . I, I don't like that way. Well, okay. Well, I mean, you can have a hot girl, but I'm not getting a fufu massage either. I have, you know, like this is like therapy massage girls. Right? It's not fun. But what I'm saying is something to that aspect to have her hair dye, because you always feel great after your hair's done.

I mean, once you gotta blowout, or even if it's just a wash and a blowout, maybe your hair doesn't need to be like trimmed and cut, but just to wash and blowout and like styled. That's always do I have Nice idea. Keep going. No, I, I'll do it. I was just gonna say our nails or a pedicure, or. Okay. What do you got?

I have an idea what, you know, role play is, is fun in, in a relationship. . What if they role played that this was their first date? Yeah. That'd be good too. Stuff like that. Yeah. Pretend it's first date. Do the whole small talk, you know, make up scenarios for each, like you make up something of a a, a profession or a history or whatever.

Make it fresh. A new conversation. Do the whole get to know each other. Persona. Yeah. What took you into that career? Why have you been doing that? Oh, do you like that career? Yeah, exactly. So treated as a first date. You know, if, if you're doing that, truly treating it as a first day, you're each going to try to, you're gonna dress to impress, you're going to, she's gonna do the makeup, you're going to.

Shower, , you're going to shower. I'm sure there are like questions that you can look up for like first date questions and stuff and like print out like a thing and you could give her like a mock, something you know to go by. So cuz you would know what was coming up, right? Cause it may feel awkward. To do that to her.

But yeah, have fun with it. I think that would be fun. Yeah, we should do that. Yeah, we should. That would be awesome. We're gonna do that. Alrighty then we will do that. Let's see. Do you have, is that, what else was in that question? Anything else or did we adjust dress at all? Yeah, I mean, I see my wife doesn't seem to try anymore to look sexy.

She dresses sloppy and seems to be letting herself go physically. I think we covered all that. How can I get, uh, her to dress sexy for me again?  and how can I help get her, or how can I get her to want to get back into shape? All right, well that one tread lightly on. Well, that one's just gonna be, she's not gonna be running until she's ready.

That, I mean, there's nothing you can do. You can't, I mean, you can lead a horse to water. You can't make 'em drink. I think, I mean, you can lead a fat girl to the gym, but you can't make 'em work out. It's just, it's not gonna work. . I mean, I don't, I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm being for real. The I I I think if you are, um, if you, you start getting in the practice of trying to impress each other because I think that really is important.

I should be trying to imp I should be, when we go out together, I think I need to do a better job of dressing so that you are proud to be with me. Yeah, you do. And I mean, I think I do an excellent job, but you know, okay. No, I'm, I'm just kidding. You know, I definitely have my moments, but it's been, I know that we have been going out, like we go and do sunset and things like that, and I would like to be able to, you know, have my bathing suit top on and some shorts or like a sundress or whatever, but it's freaking cold.

Even though it's in Florida, it's freaking freezing. I'm like, uh, so here I am in pants and a hoodie and all of that, all cold. You know, summertime will hint and oh, it'll get better. Speak a bikini top and that. Here's another thing for you, Mr. , it sounds like you're in trouble if, if, if she gets to the point where she is going all out looking sexy for you and other people are, are watching or looking or turning their heads, don't you be Mr.

Jealous Oh no. And, and react to it because I don't know when, when guys want. No, no. Or, or you know, or they're, they turn their hand. It makes me feel. . Yeah, there you go. You'd just be like, Ooh, did you see that guy? He was looking. Mm-hmm. . Yep. He was. So if you pointed out that you noticed that this guy is looking at her, she's gonna be like, wait, what?

I didn't even notice. And you would be like, yeah. And she probably didn't even notice. No, she probably didn't. And you'd be like, yeah, he was checking you out. That was hot and something. And then she'd be like, what? And you know, so that kind of always works in your favor too. And not doing it in a jealous way, but doing it in a hoo hoo.

You know, he noticed what I got Uhhuh kind of. Right. So, and that'll make her feel good. And, and then also, you know, who knows? They maybe have a, uh, up, upside down pineapple in their cart,  grocery store. Oh, Lord. Then you can make it a different type of game. There you go. All right, let's get to the next question.

Yeah. What is it? ? Here's another tread. Lightly. Okay. Your face was like, okay, sex with my partner sucks. Oh, well, next, he, he is just not that good and I'm not sure how to break it to him or how to make him be better. I want an orgasm. Ooh, so tread lightly. Mm-hmm. . I wouldn't be tread no lightly. I'd be like, orgasm gonna get the hell out.

No, I'm just kidding.  the, um hmm. Okay. It said partner. So they're not married? They aren't married? Well, I mean, I don't know. It does say partner to him, so apparently. And to him with a hymn? No. Oh, okay. No, he is not all that. But is it a she writing? Yeah, it was a she writing. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm just making sure I'm on that and I have no idea if they're married.

Okay. I would assume not when she says partner. So I would say you have to look at the other. Things first. Yes. We'll get to the actual sex in a second, but for me you need to look at the whole picture. Are there like other red flags? Are there other things like is this really going to be a lifelong person?

Is this like you're really your best friend? Are there other things that you're just like, I don't really like, and now you're picking at this because obviously this is just coming from a girl. You're not comfortable with him to be able to let loose.  enough for him to now granted he could be doing something wrong.

I get that. But also look at it from that term. Are you not comfortable enough to wear? So she, so she needs to get her freak on and then that kind. Well, no, it's just more like there might be other red flags going on to where she's like, well, he's not gonna be my one and only for the rest of my life. He's not the one.

Or even though for that night, yeah, he may not be your one and only, well, but I'm saying he's not the one. So you're just not filling it enough to when you are engaging into sex. So we don't know if this has been a long term ongoing thing or if this is someone. You know, they've had sex once or twice and or maybe even five times times.

The guy, the guy may be inexperienced. I don't. Right. I don't know. So now let's, now let's go into, let's say you have been together. Even, even if it's only been a little bit, but you are comfortable with him, you've been able to have orgasms with it. You know, 50 other people, whatever. And that's definitely not the issue.

Right? On , what? She's been able to have orgasms with 50 other people. Oh lord. It's like I support, you're like fist bump, you open fist bump. I'm like, anyway, there's no double standard here. . Yeah. No, no, no, no. You're, you're like fist bump . All right. But so that you know that that's not the issue. Like, oh, you think that he could be a long-term guy, like everything else?

Like he checks all the boxes. That's what I'm saying. All the boxes are checked except for this. Then yes, you can work on this. Like you need to have an open conversation and say, Hey, you know, I'm not you. Even if you've been, I'm not being satisfied. Yeah. Even if you've been faking it, say, Hey, I, you know, I haven't been satisfied.

This is what's going on. I don't know if it's, you know, what's going on. If it's me, you what? But I'd like to tell you like the spots I like, you know, what if I, you know, like Right. Tell him what you like and what you don't like. Well, yeah. Cause every girl is different because if he's touching something that you're like, we'll say the butt hole, and you're like, I don't want my butt hole touched.

At that moment, it throws you. Or if you want the butt hole touch and, and he's not. Yeah. Either way it's throwing you off. You're so, also offer, offer, um, little verbal hints, cues, cues to him. So if he's doing stuff, touch, if he, if you want your butt hole touched and he's approaching that area, make it seem like that you're, you know, that, oh, that feels good.

Keep going. Right. Or, or vice versa. If it, if it's like, you know, Then be like, eh, are literally saying it, but don't go. Yeah, no, I'm, cause that's not a sexy sound . No, but I'm, I'm thinking it in my head, like, uh, stay, you know, stay the course, dude. But it's seriously, like if he's doing like a swirl and you're like, okay, the swirls good, and then he switches it up to a zigzag, you're just like, you know, I, I need that swirl back.

I was almost there and now you zigzagged it. And I'm like, I don't know where the heck's going on. Right. I, I think this is an issue. Communication. No. Well, communication, definitely. But no, I'm saying, I think when I read this, it to me, it's an issue of an inexperienced guy and he doesn't know how to satisfy a female.

Yeah. So you just need to. Like have the conversation and see, but if he's checking off all the boxes, then definitely have that conversation. But again, if he's not checking those boxes, I'm almost to the point why waste your time . Oh, absolutely. Cause you know, you don't wanna wind up like the, uh, the guy that wrote the question last week where they just don't have sex anymore.

Yeah, because, so, yeah. But let me tell you something, if you're not,  and you're, you're testing each other out. Now, sex is important in a relationship. It just is. Yeah. If it doesn't mesh, and it doesn't matter how many boxes are checked, if you still have that conversation and he still can't meet that need, go to the next one.

Next. Right. Or you know, there are a lot of online courses that are actually really good.  that can teach people how to satisfy their their spouse. Right? Like I'm saying, if you've given him all the cues, you've verbally talked to him, you've done all that and he still just sucks, then there's obviously that connection is not there because even if that connection was there, even if he sucked, you'd still be able to enjoy it.

Cuz there's that energy, that connection. Oh, you can enjoy it for a little while, but eventually you're gonna want the, whether it's emotional or not, you're going the physical enjoyment. Right? Right. But, And normally it'll just come if it's all there. That's what I'm saying. If everything's connecting, then it just, you should, it shouldn't sex not be hard.

You, you lost me at. And he would just, you would just come . I love saying is it should, cuing should not be hard. No, it shouldn't be hard. . Yeah, it should be hard. I'm, I don't even know where, where we're going. I don't, I'm completely distracted now. No, it should be hard. . Well play . I know, right? So I think we've answered that pretty good.

I mean, yeah, I think we have, oh, that was a pretty, you know, easiest. . I thought it anyway. . Yeah. It's different when you're married. I wish I knew some online courses that I know, but if you're married, it's different. Like you've really, you've already committed and you, there was obviously something there, but you're not married it sounds like in this case.

And if they're not checking the boxes, they're just not checking the boxes. I'm sorry. No, I mean there's so many fish in the sea. You know, sex is important. You realize it or you wouldn't be even thinking about this issue. So, right. If you're not meshing, move on next. People do not get married and have shitty sex before and all that.

Unless they're just Lulu. I don't know. Unless they're Lulu crazy. I don't know. Well, that is all I have for today. Oh, we got the, or the deck. I. This one's yours. It doesn't matter. Just grab me one. The random interview question decks. All right. She's hiding it under the table, like I know. Trying to be quiet.

We have cards. Would you ever consider writing to someone in gel as a pen pal? Oh, absolutely. You totally would. I totally would. Yeah. I, I always thought it would be fun to be like an Uber driver or something, because I love people's stories. Yes, you do. I want to hear their stories. So yeah, I would, I would.

Yeah. Like I, I, dude, , what's your story, dude? Now would you write to a girl too, or just a guy? I, either one. I would write, yeah, I would write to, I'd probably write more to the girl because historically I communicate better with, with girls. This is, All right. That was kind of funny. That's so you ? Absolutely, I'm Well, I mean, you know it now.

It'd be email. Do do prisoners get email ? Probably so. I mean, they have AC and three meals a day. I don't know. Well, that's kind of They get tv, they get, yeah. That's kind of for health reasons. What, three meals? Three meals a day. A day. Yeah. Well that one. But anyway, let's just go on to what is something that you love that is vintage

Something that I love that is vintage. Yeah. Um, you . There will be no sex for Nicki for a while. , it's just me in my hand tonight. . No, I mean, that's the oldest thing I've got is you, I mean, seriously, I don't like your answer . I know, but it, it's true. What do I have in my life? It doesn't matter what you have, what is something that old that you, you still think's really cool or that's not what the question said?

He says, what is something that you love that is vintage? It doesn't say that you have to. No, but I mean, I'm not vintage. I'm modern. I'm current baby. That was such a good answer though. I mean, you are the oldest thing that I have that I, you know, I've had you longer than I haven't had you, so . Okay. . I'm just saying something vintage that I would l that I love.

Like that I liked when I was, it's an old fashioned, so you're saying I'm old-fashioned? No. Okay. My swatch telephone. That was pretty badass. Oh. I remember swatches were, I love swatches. I know the Swatch watches, but I'd love my telephone. It was really cool. See, that would count. That's yeah. What about my Cabbage Patch babies?

Those are, you know, dolls scare me. . I know, but I, I don't, I wouldn't, I mean, I don't love them now. I think if I had my swatch telephone, I would still love that  cord and all. Yes. We don't have anywhere to plug it. That's true. Uh, we have one in the kitchen still, I think. Yeah. I don't think it works. Or did we replace it?

It doesn't work. I think we replaced it with a flat plate. I was like, uh, we could just plug it and make it, it doesn't matter. We don't have the service that, it doesn't matter. I could plug it and make it look cool. We could do that, but if I don't even have the little pop thing, then it doesn't matter. But I don't even have the phone, so that doesn't matter either.

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