Husband Material
So you want to outgrow porn. But how? How do you change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship? Welcome to Husband Material with Drew Boa, where we answer all these questions and more! Each episode makes it easier for you to achieve lasting freedom from porn—without fighting an exhausting battle. Porn is a pacifier. This podcast will help you outgrow it and become a sexually mature man of God.
Husband Material
Why Doesn't God Remove My Sexual Thoughts And Feelings? (LIVE)
If you've spent years wishing your sexual thoughts and feelings would go away, this episode is for you.
Related resources:
- Unwanted, by Jay Stringer (paid link)
- How To Interpret Sexual Fantasies
- How To Analyze Sexual Fantasies
- Why We Sexualize Emotions...And How To Desexualize Them
Take the Husband Material Journey...
- Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
- Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
- Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
- Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy
Thanks for listening!
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today, we are talking about the question why doesn't God remove my sexual thoughts and feelings? I have asked myself this question many times over the course of my journey in regards to my sexual fetish for braces and girls with braces, which always felt irresistible and yet also repulsive to me at some level, like I didn't want to be attracted to this. I did not ever think of this as something I wanted. I really wished that I didn't sexually fixate on teeth and girls with braces, but I did, and then I thought, when I got braces, that maybe my fantasies or attractions would go away and I wouldn't be masturbating to them so much. Well, the truth is, after I got braces, I just masturbated even more. I have prayed, I have tried, I have cried and I know many of you know what this is like.
Speaker 1:Most commonly, men in our community are asking why doesn't God remove my sexual thoughts and feelings about other men? Some of you are asking why doesn't God remove my unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings about children, or about harming people, or about sexual scenarios that harm me, out of everything that my sexuality could be drawn towards. Why this God? It is a good question, it's a normal question, it's a human question and I believe God welcomes our questions and when we express anger, frustration, he is not annoyed by that. That is our invitation into intimacy with him. He knows that when we ask this question, we are bringing him our raw, vulnerable, authentic human suffering, and that's what he wants. He wants to come close to us, he wants to be with us and I do believe that he wants to answer that question, although I don't presume to know exactly how he will answer that question for you.
Speaker 1:Today we are going to explore some reasons why our sexual thoughts and feelings often persist, even the ones we wish we didn't have, even the ones that have led us to places where we didn't have, even the ones that have led us to places where we didn't want to go and caused a lot of harm. Why doesn't he just take them away? This question is related to the question of why does God allow bad things to happen? But today I'm not going to be talking about why God allows suffering or why he allows bad things to happen. That is the topic of theodicy T-H-E-O-D-I-C-Y, and that's a whole other topic we're going to focus in specifically on unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, in specifically on unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, because the question about why does God allow suffering is way bigger than what we can do in this one episode.
Speaker 1:I would like to hear from you, for everyone who is here alive, why have you wanted God to remove your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings? If you have asked God, why don't you remove my unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings? If you have asked God, why don't you remove my unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings? Why are you asking that question?
Speaker 1:Jordan says I thought my sexual thoughts and feelings made him furious. Frank says I didn't want to deal with them anymore. Right, it's frustrating, it's exhausting, especially if you feel like you're constantly fighting a battle against yourself. Timber says I've been looking for healing less of a massive burden in my life. Yes, our sexual thoughts and feelings can feel like a massive burden. Whenever you resist a sexual thought or feeling, it persists, it snowballs, it grows. It's like a train that starts going faster and faster. It's like an avalanche that builds and builds. So that's why we need to learn how to work with our sexual thoughts and feelings rather than against them.
Speaker 1:Jordan says I thought my sexual thoughts and feelings made me disgusting. Jeff says that his sexual thoughts and feelings have been the single greatest source of distress throughout my life. You can just hear the inner conflict in those words. Zach says I believe this is not part of God's plan for my life and I'm trying to live my life for him. Vijay says I've been asking this question because my sexual thoughts and feelings are a hindrance to what God reveals in scripture.
Speaker 1:Everyone has sexual thoughts and feelings that we would rather not have. Everyone has some kind of unwanted sexual attraction. Duncan says it feels wrong. It feels like this is something that affects my ability to be present, something that's always there and I need to hide. Brad says I feel a separation from God when I am dealing with these thoughts, like I am dirty and disgusting to look at. Oh, that breaks my heart. Bill says I want to keep peace with my wife. My sexuality still triggers my wife. I've considered going on Flomax, since it would probably prevent erections. Going on Flomax, since it would probably prevent erections and some of you have experienced what it's like to have prostate cancer and have your prostate removed.
Speaker 1:Jim says my sexual thoughts and feelings are overwhelming, persistent and they make me feel less than and unlovable by God. Less than and unlovable by God Wow, there's so much pain in these responses. Chuck says because my attractions and behaviors were inconsistent with my faith and what I considered right, honorable and God-pleasing. Also, the fear that just having these attractions made me something and disqualified me to be the things I wanted to be like a husband, a father, a faithful Christian. Many of us believe that because of certain sexual thoughts and feelings, we're disqualified.
Speaker 1:Ron says I want God to remove my sexual thoughts and feelings so I don't have to feel like I'm leading a double life or a double thought life. My unwanted thoughts and feelings go against what I truly believe God wants for me. Pete says so that I can look at a woman and not just see a sexual being or an assemblage of body parts. Yeah, jay says because my sexual thoughts and feelings were so incongruent with who I wanted to be and become. Ed says unwanted thoughts are all I have and I'm afraid to ask to remove them because that's all I have. Yeah, man, I know what this is like and I started the episode, this way to enter in with you into the experience of excruciating, agonizing inner conflict.
Speaker 1:Inner conflict Whether your sexual thoughts and feelings are about men, children, cartoons, objects, items of clothing, or about women who you would rather not be attracted to. I want you to know that your sexual thoughts and feelings are welcome here, even the ones you have hated for a long time. That might sound radical, that might sound unchristian, that might sound relieving or redemptive. Whatever reaction you have to that statement is also welcome here. I believe that sexuality is good, that God created it, that he loves it, and today we are going to explore some reasons why he sustains it. And today we are going to explore some reasons why he sustains it even when it seems to have no possible redemptive purpose in our lives, hopeless, disgusted with ourselves, ashamed of ourselves, afraid of where those thoughts and feelings can take us, frustrated, exhausted and deeply sad.
Speaker 1:It is normal and it's okay to ask this question and with the utmost tenderness, gentleness and kindness, I would like to suggest that when we ask God to take away all of our sexual thoughts and feelings that we would rather not experience, we don't really know what we're asking. God knows what would happen if he answered that request and he is kind enough to be patient and gentle, because what we are asking is quite violent. You might want God to remove your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings out of a desire to not be violent. You might want God to remove your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings out of a desire to not be violent, to not hurt other people. Yet the truth is, when we attack this part of us a sexual attraction, a fantasy, a fetish we are actually attacking ourselves. Attraction, a fantasy, a fetish, we are actually attacking ourselves. Underneath this question, we often find self-contempt, self-hatred, self-condemnation. We don't really know what we're asking, because what we're asking would do three things that I want to explain to you. What we're really asking God to do is number one amputate a part of our brain. Number two shut off a major emotion. And number three, destroy the boy within us.
Speaker 1:I'm going to say that again when we ask this question for our sexual thoughts and feelings to be removed, we are asking God to amputate a part of the brain, to shut off a major emotion and to destroy the boy within me. Let's go through each of these. First, amputating a part of our brain. You know the largest sexual organ in your body. It's not your penis, it's your brain. This is where almost everything happens sexually. It's in the brain, and for God to remove our sexual thoughts and feelings would be to remove part of our brain, to remove an important part of the body that actually has helped us survive. God designed the brain to do amazing things and often these sexual thoughts and feelings are exactly what has helped us survive boyhood into adulthood. There is a purpose, there is a reason, there is a story behind these thoughts and feelings that we need to discover.
Speaker 1:I want to invite you to consider the value of not amputating a part of your brain and listening to what it's trying to tell you. And listening to what it's trying to tell you. You know, the unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings that I have have been very inconvenient, and yet they have often shown me things that I was not aware of. They've shown me emotions that I was not willing to feel. They've shown me trauma that I didn't even realize was trauma. They've taught me what happened to me when I was a little kid. These sexual thoughts and feelings have shown me my heart. They have actually given me a direct line into my deepest pain and sometimes even into my deepest purpose. If you want to learn more about that, go back and listen to our episodes about how to interpret sexual fantasies, how to analyze sexual fantasies, and listen to what they're trying to tell you. Read the book Unwanted by Jay Stringer and ultimately learn how to listen to your lust.
Speaker 1:As Jay Stringer says in Unwanted, because it's trying to tell you something, and if God was to remove it, he would be removing that important message. What you need to do is learn how to hear it, learn how to translate it. Secondly, if you didn't have any more sexual arousal, you would be shutting off a major emotion. Imagine if somebody came to you saying I wish God would remove my anger. I never want to feel angry again. I wish God would remove the emotion of sadness. I never want to feel sad again. I wish God would remove the feeling of loneliness. I never want to feel lonely again. If you hear somebody say that, how would you respond? What would you think? I'll tell you what I would think.
Speaker 1:I would think this person's missing something, because those emotions are there for a very specific purpose. Anger is there to show you when a boundary has been violated or when a perceived boundary has been violated, either in the present or perhaps coming up from the past. Sadness is there to show you when something or someone you love has been lost. Loneliness is to show you when you're isolated, when you're cut off and you need community. Even emotions like guilt or shame have a lot to show us. Guilt is there to help us realize when there has been a rupture and there needs to be repair, or something's wrong and it needs to be made right.
Speaker 1:In the same way, sexual arousal is like an emotion. It's a part of you and it serves a purpose. And even if you don't see that purpose yet, I promise you it's there. Our sexual arousal is often showing us what is incomplete in our lives, what stories have been interrupted. It's often showing us a symbolic solution to our suffering, and so we can use it to find out where I've been wounded or where I'm feeling stress or what emotions have been unprocessed in my life. You might want to go back and listen to my recent episode on why we sexualize emotions and how to desexualize them. Sometimes your sexuality is the closest connection you have to your own heart, when you're disconnected from your heart.
Speaker 1:I remember one year ago I was moving from California to Colorado. The night before we hopped in the moving truck, I felt the strongest sexual temptation I have in years. It was like a tidal wave of temptation and, like I'm inviting you to do, I started to think hmm, I wonder where that's coming from. It's probably no accident. It's the night of moving. I felt so dysregulated that I couldn't just introspect and reflect on it. I had to leave the house, go for a walk, call friends, and there's actually a member of the husband material community on the other side of the world who answered my call and helped me process what was going on. Well, guess what? That sexual temptation was trying to tell me something very important. It was trying to tell me that I was feeling all kinds of emotions about this move, that I was not aware of, that I was not allowing myself to feel. I needed to feel those things, but in the moment all I could feel was arousal in my penis. That was a clue, that was something that showed me what I was really experiencing deep down, that I needed to see, and there was a lot more down there than I thought.
Speaker 1:In the same way, you can use your sexual thoughts and feelings to discover your emotions, your heart, your story. Your feelings, your needs, your desires, all of those matter and they matter to God. And he doesn't want to cut you off from your emotions or from your desires. He doesn't want to cut you off from your emotions or from your desires. He doesn't want to dampen your desires. He wants to deepen them until they can be satisfied by Him and with others and in a full life. And our sexuality is often symbolizing something that we need but we're not in touch with or that we're not receiving, that we've been deprived of. And this is the most heartbreaking and challenging and necessary truth for me to share with you all today.
Speaker 1:For God to remove your sexual thoughts and feelings would be to destroy the boy within you. Sexual thoughts and feelings would be to destroy the boy within you. You may not realize it, but in trying to get rid of unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, you are essentially trying to kill your inner child. Your inner child is not going to like it. Many of us have anger toward that boy, frustration toward that boy. If you look at a picture of yourself as a boy, how do you feel toward him? I'll tell you.
Speaker 1:When I was going through Allender Center Counseling, encountering my 12-year-old self, I wanted to kill him. I hated him. He was disgusting to me. He was appalling to me, specifically with how he felt about his mom. My counselor told me what if, instead of killing him, you could resurrect him? The boy within you is not bad and your sexual thoughts and feelings are not your fault. They're not his fault. They are what happened to you. There is an invitation within unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings To enjoy the boy, to listen to the boy, to love the boy, to lead the boy into maturity, manhood, sexual health, freedom, husband material. We are all about healing the boy to free the man.
Speaker 1:So here are some possible reasons why God has not removed your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, even if you have tried and prayed and cried and desperately wished for something to change. Why doesn't God just miraculously remove your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings? Because he loves you, because he's good, because he loves all parts of you and he actually wants intimacy with you. That requires vulnerability, and there's no more vulnerable part of who you are than your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings. As part of our sanctification process and growth, we need to learn how to listen to our brain instead of amputating it. We need to learn how to process our emotions. Rather than shutting them off and sexualizing them, we need to learn how to love the little boy within us. Enjoy the boy instead of destroy the boy.
Speaker 1:You have been created in God's image and your sexuality is good and beautiful. It has been vandalized, it has been corrupted, it has been exploited by porn. But God is not the God of replacement. He is the God of restoration. He is a restoration artist and when he restores he doesn't always take away the scars, he doesn't always take away the pain, but he incorporates it into his masterpiece. And just like he uses evil for good, he can use our unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings for something far beyond what we can ask or imagine. So here's my second question for you what good has come out of your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Speaker 1:Timber says I evolved from asking God to take my feelings away to asking him to change them, to asking him to help me find healthy godly fulfillment. It's still a struggle at times. Yes, it is. Do you hear the growth in that? Do you hear the maturity in that? Ray says I have become closer to God. You know your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings can drive you to depend on God in a way that you never had. Jay says I can literally see nothing whatsoever good that has come from my unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings. It does seem more like a curse than a blessing. Thank you for your honesty. Chuck says I have been able to be more patient and understanding with others in their similar stories.
Speaker 1:For some of us, the level of suffering brought about by our unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings has made us more tender, gentle, empathetic, compassionate and kind, maybe even more Christ-like. Ed says the best thing is that if I was not concerned about my unwanted sexual feelings, I may have shut myself off to husband, material men who have been valuable beyond belief. Our unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings can take us to people who become some of the best friends we've ever had. Part of the reason why I got into this field of helping men outgrow porn is because I find it creates some of the deepest friendships in the world. If you can talk about your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings with someone, you can talk about anything. It is an accelerator into intimacy and oftentimes it's an indicator of the other things that are going on in our soul. That allows us to open up more easily. Sometimes we're not aware of what's going on within us and we can't share without something to reveal that, like something sexual, there's a bond that forms when you have been so vulnerable. I compare the bonds that form in groups like Hus material to the bonds that form in the military, the bonds that form in athletic teams. I mean, we have been through so much together and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Speaker 1:Zach says when I have unwanted thoughts, it makes me look to God for more guidance. Unwanted thoughts it makes me look to God for more guidance. It gets me out of thinking I'm in control and remembering it's God who's in control. There is a strong instinct towards self-reliance in many of us and our unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings can be humbling for our pride. It can be really helpful in breaking down a sense of self-righteousness or a sense of independence. As men we often drift into independence, not needing other people. Our unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings can be an opportunity to embrace interdependence. Because you know what I can't heal and I can't be free on my own. Jeff says his unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings have given him an appreciation for why Jesus had to die on the cross. The damage of a sinful condition is in need of redemption. Wow, pete says.
Speaker 1:Reversing this question this way is a challenge. I've been so focused on the unwanted side and how to get them to stop that I've never given any thought to any good that might come from them. This might sound crazy, but as I continue to learn more about sexual arousal and attraction and fantasies and internal family systems, I see that the parts of us that we often identify as the wounded, broken parts, are actually healers, because they show us where the pain is and they show us what it might look like to be healed. I mean, if you take one of your sexual fantasies and strip all the erotic content away from it, oftentimes what you'll find is something good, wholesome and beautiful, like acceptance, connection, affirmation, affection, safety, glory, friendship, fun, adventure, purpose, relief, rest. All those are good things. Jeff says the toughest question of my life used to be why do I have these feelings? But now the toughest question of my life is how does God heal the unmet needs of the little boy in my adult self? That is a wonderful reframe and I believe that question will take you into some beautiful adventures.
Speaker 1:Richard says how do you take responsibility for your sexual thoughts and feelings? The first step is to identify them. Many of us are in denial about what our sexual thoughts and feelings truly are. So facing them then. Secondly, understanding them, finding out the story behind them. Where do these thoughts and feelings come from? Thirdly, appreciating them. Learning to bless your sexuality rather than curse your sexuality. And you can do that a lot better when you understand these thoughts and feelings and finally being able to manage them, to lead them to experience these thoughts and feelings and then choose health and then choose recovery and choose growth. That's how we can take responsibility for our thoughts and feelings, even the sexual ones.
Speaker 1:When you have unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, relate to them as you would relate to a little child, with tenderness and gentleness, not yelling or shouting or forcing or trying to control. I mean, you know, get to know this kid, find out what really helps him and what doesn't. Or you can treat your thoughts and feelings sexually like any other emotion. You know what do you do when you feel angry, what do you do when you feel lonely? Use that same process for your sexual thoughts and feelings. That will turn them into a blessing rather than a curse.
Speaker 1:Thomas says understanding my unwanted sexual feelings has helped me to have the courage to take positive, redemptive risks that have led me to discover a sense of adventure, build deeper friendships and a greater understanding of God's everlasting grace and mercy. Let's go. Isn't that amazing? That's why I love this work. That's why I love this ministry, because it always leads to something bigger and better than what you have settled for sexually in the past. Porn and unwanted sexual behavior puts you into a very small box of living a very small life. You can open that box and see what's underneath it. You're freed up for something so much bigger and better what you desire instead of just what arouses you.
Speaker 1:Adam says I have been driven by my sexual thoughts and feelings to see my life truthfully. I can no longer believe I'm okay. I've always avoided my emotions. I was afraid of finding the hurt in my life. I just wanted everything to be okay. God has used this part of my life to bring it all to light, and that's good. It's okay to have sexual thoughts and feelings that could take you in a destructive direction. What matters is what we do with those thoughts and feelings. What matters is how we respond to them. What matters is how we respond to them. Jim says my sexual thoughts and feelings have led me into vulnerable, tender, heart-centered, soul-restoring relationships with other men who, in a real and profound way, show me the love and tenderness of God. Amen, jim Wow.
Speaker 1:Chuck says I have learned that I am truly loved by God and some people in spite of my imperfection and not based on my performance or what I can do and be for someone else. Isn't it phenomenal how that truth can sink in more deeply when it touches this part of your life, when that truth of being loved touches your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings. It's amazing. It's like, well, if this part of me can be loved. It's like if I can be loved here, I can be loved anywhere, you know. Chuck says I've also learned to depend on grace rather than my own goodness, making me more graceful and merciful toward others. That's awesome, brad says it has driven me to God and grown my relationship with him. For a good part of my life I have lived on the periphery, on the outside of the throne of grace. Now I am drawn to his mercy and grace. I am having to learn how to love myself and see me as God sees me. Love myself and see me as God sees me. Let's go.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes men will describe sexually acting out as a fall downward. The way that sounds is like you're rock climbing and you've fallen off the cliff and landed back at the bottom. It doesn't have to be that way. All of that momentum downward can become momentum forward. You might think of it as falling off a cliff, but if you allow your sexual thoughts and feelings to lead you toward God, others and into your own heart, then it will become a ramp that catapults you forward, driving you into the arms of Jesus, propelling you into a sense of purpose and maybe even ministry.
Speaker 1:You know the times when you guys have responded with the most gratitude. To me is when I've been vulnerable, about things that I'm not proud of, about things that disgust me, about areas of my heart that are still broken, about all my faults and insecurities, and whenever I share that with you all publicly, there is a flood and an outpouring of gratitude saying thank you, thank you, thank you so much. And, guys, you would never have that if I didn't have unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, if I never had a struggle in this area, husband material wouldn't exist. If I never had these unwanted sexual feelings, I would never be able to love you and yours and be with you in your places of deepest pain and shame, never would have done any of this. I'm so glad that I have, because I love you guys, have done any of this. I'm so glad that I have Because I love you guys and I love this work. Although, yes, it would have been easier to never have a sexual fetish for girls with braces, I am in awe of the wisdom of God and how he has taken this part of my life and used it for my healing and then multiplied it so that all of us can go deeper in Christ with each other and learning how to love the little boy within each of us. And many of us, I suspect, would never get to know that little boy if it wasn't for these thoughts and feelings.
Speaker 1:Bill says it took a lot of thought to think of the good that has come from my sexual thoughts and feelings. At least my sex addiction got me to find out why I was the way I was. In recovery I have started to heal the trauma see PTSD character defects that may have never been addressed. Well said. Dave says my thoughts and feelings have positioned me to help others heal and grow. Grant says my sexual thoughts and feelings nowadays often alert me to some truth I'm ignoring or unaware of. Truth about what I'm feeling or what I need, truth about genuine goodness I recognize in others. That doesn't have to be objectified or sexualized. That's valuable, that's important. When you can learn to listen to what your brain and body are trying to tell you, process your emotions and connect with the boy within you, your sexual thoughts and feelings become a blessing, no matter what they are directed toward.
Speaker 1:There's a passage of the Bible that might be helpful here. I know there's speculation about whether this passage refers to something sexual or not. Regardless, to me it seems relevant. In Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, 2 Corinthians 12, he says To keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, but he said to me my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses and insults and hardships and persecutions and difficulties, for when I am weak, then I am strong, and that is my philosophy of ministry.
Speaker 1:Many of you have wondered why is Drew so vulnerable? How is he opening up so deeply about his sexual fetishes and fantasies and all of the trauma in his life and all the secrets that he's never told anyone before? Guys, it's because the power of Christ is made perfect in weakness, not in strength or easy stuff or impressive stuff, and the same is true for all of us. God's power is made perfect in our weakness. Our sexual weakness is an opportunity to allow the power of Christ to flow to us and through us. Maybe that's part of why God hasn't removed our sexual thoughts and feelings. There's nothing wrong with having thoughts or feelings about anything. What matters is what we do with them. So what will you do with yours? Will you allow them to become the stage of redemption in your life, maybe even in other lives, or will you continue to fight against them and husband material? We are here to help you stop fighting a frustrating, exhausting battle against your sexual thoughts and feelings. We want to help you befriend your sexual thoughts and feelings so that you can get to know the little boy within you who is the key to healing.
Speaker 1:Robert bly once wrote that whenever you disown a part of you, it goes off to a distant place and declares war. I would like to follow that quote up with an original thought by Drew Boa Whenever you welcome a part of you home, you embody the love of Jesus to a little boy who needs it. That is what I hope this episode is inspiring you to do To stop battling your sexuality, to start befriending your sexuality and begin to stop trying to amputate a part of your brain, stop trying to shut off a major, important emotion of sexual arousal and to stop trying to destroy the boy within you. Because God loves you, because God loves all parts of you. He is good. He created your sexuality and he doesn't regret it. He is coming to redeem all things, even your unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, Because you are God's beloved Son and in you he is well pleased.
