Next Level University

#1505 - One Word To Stop Using In Your Relationship

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Explore the power of substituting "but" with "and" in your conversations. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss fostering healthier and stronger relationships through intentional dialogues and conscious communication. When we communicate intentionally, we can better express difficult and unpleasant realities in a sensitive and aligned manner. By practicing nonviolent communication and being intentional with our language, we can foster stronger bonds, reclaim meaningful relationships, and create a healthier, more fulfilling life.

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Show notes:
[0:00] Intro
[3:59] But vs. And
[4:59] Non-violent communication
[5:23] But for unpleasant truth
[7:06] Try "and" first
[10:08] Learnt and felt yet scarless`
[10:42] Intentional words
[12:35] Janine talks about how valuable Group Coaching is, what her takeaway is, and why she thinks you should take the leap
[13:45] Strength and warmth
[14:55] Communication patterns
[17:42] Cheat code
[20:57] Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed our latest episode. It was episode number 1,504. Insecurities get worse when we hide them. Today. For episode number 1,505 one word to stop using in your relationship or talk about love today.

Speaker 1:

So this came up Twice the idea for this episode a Guest we had on years ago at this point Phil M Jones. Phil M Jones has written many books. He is One of the greatest speakers in terms of skill that we have ever had on the podcast probably the best speaker We've ever had on the podcast, definitely and he is a business coach and he is a sales coach and he's big on the language you use when you're talking to people. So I was listening to one of his books recently and he talked about this, which primed my mind to start looking out for it. And I was talking Working with one of our clients who's a psychologist, and I noticed she's very, very good with this. So this is what the the thought behind today's episode is.

Speaker 1:

I want you to imagine that your partner is out for the day and you say I'm gonna do something really thoughtful for my partner. I'm gonna get them flowers and I'm going to cook. I'm gonna make their favorite dish, I'm gonna clean up the house, I'm gonna light candles and when they get home, I'm gonna serve them dinner. I'm gonna give them a massage after. It's gonna be a great night. And they get home, you give them dinner. Oh my goodness, I'm so excited, awesome, awesome, awesome. So you get to the end of the night and you're kind of recapping the night and you say what did you think? What did you think of tonight? And they said it was really good. I really enjoyed it very much.

Speaker 1:

But the second that butt hits, you're gonna say, oh my goodness, something is wrong here. Oh my goodness, it wasn't what you wanted. Oh my goodness, it didn't make you happy. Oh my goodness, I miss the mark. What if you take that butt and you replace it with Everything was awesome and Maybe next time we could do blank? That is way more constructive than but Something.

Speaker 1:

Alan you, you taught me this. I think you taught me this through. I think it was a joke at the time but lead with praise. So if you see somebody that you haven't seen in a long time, or let's just say, if somebody does something for you that you appreciate, you want to lead with praise Thank you so much for shoveling the driveway Instead of saying you miss three spots, but thank you for shoveling the driveway. Those are two very different conversations to very different levels of intentionality and Two very different feelings that are gonna be felt on the other side of that conversation. So that is what we're talking about today something very, very simple that we can replace in our relationships that will hopefully improve them, but verses and I am grateful for all of you who listen to this show but Versus I am Super grateful to all of you who listen to the show and to very different phrases with emotions on the other side.

Speaker 2:

Kevin and I masterminded before this episode we did and I told him that on the conscious couples podcast that Emilia and I do, which is to help intimate relationships, flourish singles and conscious couples, we looked at our data and we looked at listens and there was one episode that jumped Off the charts. It was twice as many listens as any other episode. We just surpassed our 90th episode. So out of 90 episodes, this one Episode some, for some reason Was twice as many listens. So then naturally, we look at the title. What is the title? What is why? What? What's the difference here? The title is about nonviolent communication, and that shocked us. As a matter of fact, we're gonna do a relationship talks virtual event on that topic, because now we know how much our listeners Want to learn more about that. But that's neither here nor there what Kevin is referring to about the and versus the. But I masterminded with him before of it's a very hard and fine line to walk, because sometimes but is actually necessary to make sure the unpleasant truth actually lands. So, for example, let's say let's say that same scenario happens, but you are Very, very you had a really bad incident happen the day before that you're really upset about. Now you think that this partner is actually doing that to try to save face and make up for what they had done the day before. So you're not really feeling really good about it, even during the night. It's not. It's not great.

Speaker 2:

The idea here is, and is, important and constructive, and I do think you need to be very conscious of when you use and versus when you use but. But I think sometimes but needs to be there, and the reason why is because I think that sometimes we lessen and sugarcoat, and this is the the question how do you deliver an unpleasant truth to someone where it really lands? But you and you sugarcoat it a little bit with constructive, nonviolent communication, but not to the point where it doesn't actually land. And I think that that's as someone who studies leadership, as someone who wants to be the best partner I can be with Emilia, as someone who has a team of people, kev, sometimes there's some unpleasant truth that it's like listen, I need to make sure this actually lands, kev, I appreciate that you're always on time, but God damn it, man. And again that's can be seen as violent communication. Obviously, kevin knows me, so we're good, but at the end of the day, I think there's a time for each and so try and first. That's my point, try and first. And if and is not getting the point across because it's not landing, you might have to say but and really kind of drill home on some of the unpleasant truths.

Speaker 2:

And so nonviolent communication, I think, is communication that is not directly attacking, because the problem with this is and I said this on book club earlier the good stuff doesn't need to change. Sometimes we overly focus on the the bad stuff, because the bad stuff I mean. So if I'm late a lot in a given week, I'll use me as an example. I'm doing so much good behind the scenes and Kevin knows that, but that's not what needs to change. So what's going to get the focus thing? The things that's going to get the focus are the things that needs to change. But if I feel underappreciated or unseen or undervalued for all the amazing things I'm doing and Kevin comes in hot with hey man, you know, by the way and just attacks me, that's not going to go well. But If he doesn't actually come at me with that, ever I'm not going to have the necessity to change it and to improve and to grow and then we won't achieve our goals. So there's a lot on the line here.

Speaker 2:

I always say this this is the last thing I'll share. I say being kind is really easy, and I think being successful without being kind is really easy. It's very hard to do both when you're climbing Mount Everest in this analogy it's and you have a team of people climbing with you and it's life or death, and you take your work that seriously and you take the goals that seriously and you're really building a life together with your intimate partner, emilia and I is an example where climbing Mount Everest together we want to build a family and we want to build businesses, we want to build teams, we want to change the world. We want to do all this good in the world. It is a serious game for serious people.

Speaker 2:

We are not messing around here, and sometimes we need to give some unpleasant truths and say listen, if you don't heal that frostbite, you are going to die, and I don't want to see you die. And if I overly sugarcoat that, you're not going to face the hard truth and make the changes necessary to get to the top of the mountain. And so we all have to walk this line and this is the the. The last question, which is how do you articulate challenging unpleasant truths in a vulnerable, aligned way and share them in a way that's constructive, but you don't overly lessen it to where the real point doesn't actually get across. And this is the question that I'm constantly asking myself as a leader.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it is definitely a very, very, very challenging thing to do, because it's almost what's a good analogy you want to make sure the lesson is learned and felt, but you don't want it to be a scar. Yeah, it's kind of that. It's like a flick, not a punch. Okay, this is something that could change, should probably change, and even if you think of, think of a character in the movie who never, who always, gets overlooked they're usually very. It's just not enough with that. Even if we very passive, if we zoomed out, let's just say we zoomed out and said this is a very zoomed in version of something we might communicate. What we could say for this entire episode is make sure you're choosing your words as intentionally as possible.

Speaker 1:

I told Taryn recently one of the things I'm trying to work on. When I'm overwhelmed and she says, hey, do you want to do this? Hey, can you do this? Hey, what about this? My initial reaction, more often than I'd like to admit, is no, it's almost like I don't even hear what you're saying. I just say no for self-preservation. So I'm intentionally trying to break that of Kev. I know you're overwhelmed and I know you're exhausted and I know you're under a lot of pressure, but you could be more intentional with the way that you communicate Instead of saying no, it could be. Is that something I can think about for the day? That's a completely different conversation.

Speaker 1:

So even the intentionality behind what do you want the other person to feel when you say it? That would probably be a little bit of a zoom out we could do, because if you are trying to get a point to land, if you have a landscaper, you're not going to be able to. If you have a landscaper, you have somebody who comes and does your lawn. I had a I had somebody one of my friends dealt with this. Their landscaper was just messing up horribly, like not showing up, overcharging them. That might not be a situation where you want to say I do value the work you've done and I know we have a relationship and and you also haven't been showing up as much as you should and I think you over build me you probably want to say I do appreciate the work that you've done and I do appreciate the relationship we've built and I don't really want to go look for someone else, but I feel like you haven't been delivering the stuff that you need to deliver. That's a drastically different vibe there.

Speaker 2:

I feel so good right now because I didn't know how to articulate that. That is exactly it, Brother. It's hard.

Speaker 1:

It's hard.

Speaker 2:

That it's so hard to know, because if you did the and it won't land as well, no, no, no, you know what? And he's a useful tool, but so is but yeah, I would have, and and I think that it's important to know which one to use in which scenario, with the landscaper who's?

Speaker 2:

ripping you off. You can't say I appreciate you and I understand that you're overwhelmed and I also am okay with XYZ and you also kind of over build me. See how the over billing me that the, the, the disservice, the disrespect is is masked in too much sugar. And this is the age old question of strength versus warmth. And this is one of my biggest challenges as a man, as an intimate partner, as a business leader Strength and warmth. When is it time to be like Listen, this has to change. You can't keep playing this way because we're going to lose the championship. And you got to leave. You either got to, got to fly with us or you got to go versus. I really appreciate all that you've done for us. That's a it's so such a delicate dance and an art and a balance and it's it is unbelievably challenging, and that's why I always say leadership is the hardest thing on planet Earth and people always say no no, no being a parent is, I say, leadership, same thing.

Speaker 2:

I, granted, I don't have kids, I get that Okay, but when I have children it's going to be leadership. It's just going to be leading little children and toddlers and teenagers and actually adults, but it's still leadership. It's influencing people and, hopefully, what's a positive direction towards their own self actualization.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So I think it's a conversation about intentionality, really. Yeah, at the end of the day, what? What is the outcome from the, what is the outcome that you desire from the situation, and how do you effectively communicate it and get the result you want? But it I would say this would be my next little nugget what is your communication pattern? So I just shared. My pattern is sometimes I say no, sometimes I say no, and here's a list of reasons why. Maybe in this scenario, no, but would actually be good. No, but you know what? I know it's important to you, so it's definitely something I can do.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, right, so that that would be something that I could practice, and I am. I'm consciously trying to practice that more and more because I realize I'm probably not going to be any less overwhelmed anytime soon and I don't think I'm going to be under any less pressure anytime soon. So that's a pattern that I can break with awareness first, with intentionality second, and then with consistent focus. Third and there's necessity to do it I want to make sure Taryn is, she feels fully loved. That's important to me.

Speaker 2:

Last story, emilia asked me two weeks ago. It was Emilia's birthday last week and her and I went on this beautiful adventure in New Hampshire. I talked about it on the on the show, I think, last week. I forget the name of the highway it's in New Hampshire, it's King of mangas, king, king of mangas highway, I believe, apparently one of the most famous foliage hikes roads ever in the entire world. Wow, when we Google, there's a holy crap. This place is like super famous. We listened to the little tour guide thing on the way there and, yeah, it was, it was awesome. But she had asked me hey, the following weekend, and that weekend we went off the rails, for lack of better phrasing. We stayed at a hotel, got no sleep, tucker was barking, it was, it was, it was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. But it was definitely travels, a whole thing, everyone knows.

Speaker 2:

Okay, now, the next Sunday she wanted me to go for a hike, potentially with her grandma, her Mimi, love, mimi, big fan. Now, when she asked me, I said Okay, and this is my question, instead of immediately saying no, I don't want to do that, which, quite frankly, I don't. That's my truth. I don't want to do that. It's nothing against me, me. It's nothing against you. It's two Sundays in a row and I'm also overwhelmed as hell. I have a lot of back office work that I need to catch up on because I am behind, right, but she doesn't know that she does. But not really okay. So she asks, and so, instead of immediately saying no to Kevin's point, I say how important is it to you that I'm there from zero to 10? She said yeah, probably not that important. I said okay, in that case it's gonna have to be a no for me. I'm gonna stay. Do the back office. Don't worry, though, you go, I'll take care of the pets completely myself. Like you go do your thing. And that was good to go.

Speaker 2:

And I think she ended up switching with Mimi. Instead of doing Sunday, she ended up doing Wednesday, and they had this nice little hike. So that's another cheat code for nonviolent communication. Instead of immediately like absolutely not. And then she thinks I don't like her grandma, or something like that, which isn't true. My truth is the layers I'm overwhelmed. We did last Sunday.

Speaker 2:

I wanna get ahead. I have XYZ going on that I'm not even consciously aware of. I don't wanna do that, but I have these reasons that I'm not even aware of yet. So, instead of that, it's okay. How important is this to you? If she had said 10 out of 10, I would have done it, because the Kanga-Mangus Highway, she had said, I said, is this bucket list? And she said yes. I said done, it's done, doesn't matter, doesn't matter what else I have going on, we're doing this. This is your birthday, let's rock and roll. But if it's a five, no, it's gonna have to be a no for me. And again, I know I say that I'm insecure about saying that because that's the way Emilia and I operate. She asked me you know, how important is this to you? It's like, eh, three, okay, no, like that's a hard. No, we live a hell yes life. If it's not a hell yes, it's a no.

Speaker 1:

So and you both do it for each other, so it's not like you're just doing that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah yeah, it's not just me, it's not a nine or 10.

Speaker 1:

I can't. I'm not in now, can't, yeah, I can't. So that's the question how intentionally are you using your words, your phrases, and how intentional are your patterns, and could they be more intentional? Of course they could.

Speaker 2:

I've only really shared.

Speaker 1:

Go ahead Sorry to interrupt.

Speaker 2:

Go ahead. No, no, what's up? I just had a funny joke come up. These are interesting episodes, yeah, so next Sunday, emilia, it's going to be a 10 out of 10 for me to sit in bed all day and watch all three of the Hobbit movies in tandem with food.

Speaker 1:

Like that's not a joke, that's a real life. That's a real life, that's a 10 out of 10 for me. Yeah, that's all good, it's called Unreasonable Asks. Turn into our next episode for Unreasonable.

Speaker 1:

Asks I would support that for sure, 100%. So yeah, can you intentionally, how do you intentionally communicate better and what are your patterns around communication? That is what I would leave you with, whether you're watching or listening this fire episode Kev. It's a good topic, this was a good one. Shout out to Phil M Jones and our amazing client, dr Yvette Dr.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, she's a doctor. And if you're listening to this, I never give my next level nugget. My next level nugget is if you or your partner are participating in violent communication, it's hurting your relationship. So the only wrong answer is to not address that. Everyone says it's communication that is the most important pillar of any intimate relationship. Having studied intimate relationships a lot over the last couple of years, with conscious couples and relationship talks, coaching, all stuff I think it is too. Trust, communication and vulnerability. Those are the three pillars Trust, communication and vulnerability. And now if I had to pick a fourth, it would be humility. But communication is the big one, it's one of the biggest. So if you're doing violent communication, you're in trouble. That's not good. So you got to work on that and I definitely didn't realize this. But in my childhood my mom and stepdad used violent communication and I adopted some of that and I didn't realize it until way later in life. It changes everything when you overcome that.

Speaker 1:

As always, if you have not joined our private Facebook group yet, it's called Next Levination. I'm trying not to say Next Levination and then Next Levination. It probably gets confusing. I say that so often, but that's the name of our Facebook group and that is also what I call the amazing NLU family as well. So it's all over the place. But if you are looking for a place where you can be vulnerable, you can be yourself and self-improvement is cool and it's the way and it's common and it's what we do. Please join the private Facebook group. I know that there is a lot of people out there who feel like they're the only person in their circle growing or focused on growing, or who would listen to an episode like this about something so specific. If that's you which it is because you're listening please join our private Facebook group. Link will be in the showdowns.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, next, levination is the place where it's OK to be weird. Own your weird. Whoever you are, be a good one. Or whatever you are, be a good one. My executive admin showed up to Jerry Ann she listens as well. She has that written on her wall. Whatever you are, be a good one. So, whatever you are, be yourself, be a good one. Some people say just be unapologetically you. It's like some people are saying that so they can just be bullies. If you're a dick, you should probably change. So at the end of the day, hopefully that's funny for everybody.

Speaker 2:

Ok, so we have two different things that Kevin and I are doing a lot behind the scenes like a bunch. We've talked about them before, but I'm going to articulate it in a little bit of a different way. Kev does podcasting, podcast coaching. You want to start a podcast, you want to monetize a podcast. You want to grow a podcast. Kevin's your guy. He has been doing hours and hours and hours and hours and hours with podcast clients, helping them grow their shows, start their shows, monetize their shows, all that. I'm leaning far more into the business side and I'm coaching a bunch of business owners from all different industries, all different backgrounds. So for our listeners, who are here to learn and who love growth and who love personal growth and holistic self-improvement.

Speaker 2:

If you want to jump into the next level, maybe that next level is podcasting. Maybe that next level is starting your own podcast. Maybe that next level is monetizing a podcast you already have. Maybe that next level is starting a business underneath that podcast, or maybe not having to do with podcasts whatsoever. Maybe you have a brick-and-mortar business. Maybe you want to start a gym. Maybe you want to start a pet store. If you want to podcast or start a business, reach out. If you want to podcast, reach out to kevanatnextleveluniversecom. If you want to start a business, reach out to me, alan, at nextleveluniversecom, and what you might find is that a lot of podcasters end up starting businesses underneath it and a lot of business owners end up starting podcasts to improve their marketing. So it's a really cool ready lefty situation. We got going on here and we have many people that are doing both, many people that are doing one, and maybe in the future, that'll be you.

Speaker 1:

Are you ready, or lefty, righty In this scenario, you're righty, I meant in real life, but what in the scenario?

Speaker 2:

You also righty.

Speaker 1:

Yes, so one of us has to fight. We have to fight to the death for it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, okay, sounds good.

Speaker 1:

We'll do jujitsu. We'll find out. I guess we'll find out Whoever shows up to the next episode won and whoever doesn't ceases to live.

Speaker 2:

Can we do like an academic debate for that After the?

Speaker 1:

physical battle. Yes, okay, sounds good. Tomorrow Probably just gonna be me, because Alan will cease to exist, most likely. But tomorrow for episode number 1,506, a simple hack to cut down your screen time If you are someone who is on your cell phone more than you want to be which I think a lot of us are, unfortunately and you just lose track of time. Hopefully, tomorrow's hack will save you from that a little bit. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we are not a fan. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2:

Keep practicing nonviolent communication. Next level nation.

Speaker 1:

Boom, good one.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host